I adore Paul. He is just up there with my favourite people in the whole world.
The one legged rehabilitation specialist who skateboards, motorbikes, climbs mountains, wrassles sharks…
Me: My car was valued at £35
Paul: I have skateboards worth 5 times that!
Paul: How was your Christmas?
Me: Fantastic thanks. Although I turned 27 and just felt so old, what with my neck issues, which are causing back ache. And on New Years Eve I fell over and turned my ankle so hard AND I hadn’t even had a drink yet.
Paul: Well that is because you haven’t sorted your neck out - it affects your balance.
Me: Whatevs, I just felt so old … so I went and got a tattoo.
Paul: LET ME SEE….. Nice. Do you want to see mine? *Whips trousers down*
Me: Good grief!
He has the most awesome tattoos though. Norse Gods and Godessess. I think that after getting a tattoo myself, I like them a lot more. His are amazing. Blew my little rose right out of the water.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Monday, 9 January 2012
o la la monsieur
Secretarial cliché -
Me: I like to give you the hard ones
Him: ….. What did you just say?
Me: …. Er, I like to give you the hard ones?
Him: OH. I thought you said you like to give me the hard ons!!
Me: …
I love the crackle effect nail varnish but note to self, gold crackle on top of red polish looks like you have had a horrific accident and smashed your nails with a hammer.
Me: I like to give you the hard ones
Him: ….. What did you just say?
Me: …. Er, I like to give you the hard ones?
Him: OH. I thought you said you like to give me the hard ons!!
Me: …
I love the crackle effect nail varnish but note to self, gold crackle on top of red polish looks like you have had a horrific accident and smashed your nails with a hammer.
Sunday, 8 January 2012
8 inch cogs
Today I went to Ruths house for her birthday. Her father-in-law, Chris, is seriously one of the funniest dudes ever.
We were sitting on the sofa and Andy, Ruths husband, was saying to his daughter: ‘there are a lot of things you don’t know about grandpa. Ask him about his time in the army.’
Dot (Andys mum): NO DO NOT ASK HIM ABOUT HIS TIME IN THE ARMY
Apparently, at the end of world war 2, Chris was the reason one of the biggest Nato air strikes was called off. Because he was missing. And was found having relations with a woman. A German woman.
Now, I am not sure how much of this is true but what is true is that when he left the army his mum had remarried and moved house. Without telling him.
Chris was telling us about his bike ride to Clapton. And his 8 inch cock.
Andy: COG. 8 inch COG.
Man I got the giggles.
I haven’t seen Ruth for ages so it was really lovely snuggling with her and catching up. She pulled me into another room for a sneaky look at my tattoo. Her mum walked in. Then her Dad walked in. And out again.
Ruth: This is not such a sneaky look.
In other news there is a spot on my chin that it would be a mockery to call a little friend. He is huge. I am 27, this shit is meant to be OVAH.
We were sitting on the sofa and Andy, Ruths husband, was saying to his daughter: ‘there are a lot of things you don’t know about grandpa. Ask him about his time in the army.’
Dot (Andys mum): NO DO NOT ASK HIM ABOUT HIS TIME IN THE ARMY
Apparently, at the end of world war 2, Chris was the reason one of the biggest Nato air strikes was called off. Because he was missing. And was found having relations with a woman. A German woman.
Now, I am not sure how much of this is true but what is true is that when he left the army his mum had remarried and moved house. Without telling him.
Chris was telling us about his bike ride to Clapton. And his 8 inch cock.
Andy: COG. 8 inch COG.
Man I got the giggles.
I haven’t seen Ruth for ages so it was really lovely snuggling with her and catching up. She pulled me into another room for a sneaky look at my tattoo. Her mum walked in. Then her Dad walked in. And out again.
Ruth: This is not such a sneaky look.
In other news there is a spot on my chin that it would be a mockery to call a little friend. He is huge. I am 27, this shit is meant to be OVAH.
would you?
No, but seriously, would you rather tattoo moist bush monkey on your hand OR get a tattoo that covers your entire back but of your choosing?
to sleep perchance to dream
12:12am.
It is legitimately bed time and yet I can’t sleep.
I can nap happily and gaily throughout the day whenever the opportunity arises. Napping is up there as one of my most favouritest favouritest activities. I even have to set myself rules - no napping after 4pm.
For the last month, sleeping at night has completely evaded me. I have been going to work exhausted and longing to curl under the desk and sleep. I crawl home. I desperately want to get into bed but falling asleep at 7pm is no good as I get disturbed ... and that way lies sleepwalking.
Sleepwalking. An activity that can lead to many hilarious stories, but I think I have enough stories now. I would like to not sleepwalk. If I fall asleep and something disturbs me I sleepwalk. And talk. This sleepwalking is generally the physical meaning of the phrase - I leave my bed / my room and wander. That sounded peaceful didn’t it? Ha. Wander. My family have many stories to tell about my wandering sleepwalking which normally involve me shouting like a mad woman and wandering the halls.
The wandering sleepwalking is rare, but mainly because I know that it is due to being disturbed massively when napping. The worst sleepwalking is when I sit up in bed and carry out whole (silent, I think) conversations with people.
I sit in bed and listen to these people rambling on, all the while thinking - jeesh, do you know how late it is?
I also imagine myself to be in other places. Like, whelp, I am at work, I hope no one notices I am naked. I will just surreptitiously cover my breasts with the bed sheet.
I work with patients so a lot of sleep-non-walking is patients coming in to my room. I am aware that something isn’t right about the situation but struggle to reason it out. Yes, self, it is perfectly normal to conduct meetings in my bed, naked. Can not see the problem so far. Make it quick, it is late and I want to go to sleep.
My mum and my sister, Sophie, randomly take the brunt of the sleepwalking. Firstly, in both cases, I think it is because they had no respect for a napping me and were in the line of fire, as it were, when I ‘woke’ up and starting screaming for graph paper. Yes. The screaming / shouting / rambling does eventually wake me up and yes. It can be embarrassing to realise you have been adamantly asking (demanding) for something, righteously, only to wake yourself up. Secondly, I lived with Sophie in a small flat. Our bedrooms were next to each other and I slept with my door open because we had a cat. Bumbling around my room ‘sorting laundry’ etc was clearly an easy to hear activity at 3am.
Of course Mum and Sophie have both been very considerate when dealing with me in this vulnerable state (hahaha are you sleepwalking? Are you asleep? Are you asleeeep? Are you asleeeeeeeeeeeeeep?) (to which the definitive answer is NO!) (SHUT UP AND GET BACK INTO BED).
I moved in with some friends a year ago. I have only a couple of times sleepwalked out of my room. Neither housemate has noticed. Once, scarily, I even shouted down the stairs in the early hours. I believe I was shouting: ‘I have got it’ although what I had is unconfirmed. I always am aware of when I have sleptwalked. The next day I embarrassedly apologised for disturbing them. They looked at me blankly. The fact that I got away with yelling down the stairs in the dead of night does not bode well for them waking up if the house is being burgled or we are on fire or the villagers come to spear the monster.
Some nights I go to bed and wake up tireder than before.
Some nights I go to bed and have whole conversations with friends and the next day I cannot look at them (so inconsiderate, do they know what time it is?).
Some nights I have a lover I tell I am a Phillips Senseo too.
Some nights I wake in a cold sweat thinking I have texted / called someone.
Coupled with the fact that I have been having trouble falling asleep and some terrible nightmares, I am just so tired. I thought this Christmas would sort it out. I was really looking forward to not feeling so tired but if anything it has just added ‘routine out of whack’ to my list of problems.
Lordy. Sleeping. I used to be so good at you.
It is legitimately bed time and yet I can’t sleep.
I can nap happily and gaily throughout the day whenever the opportunity arises. Napping is up there as one of my most favouritest favouritest activities. I even have to set myself rules - no napping after 4pm.
For the last month, sleeping at night has completely evaded me. I have been going to work exhausted and longing to curl under the desk and sleep. I crawl home. I desperately want to get into bed but falling asleep at 7pm is no good as I get disturbed ... and that way lies sleepwalking.
Sleepwalking. An activity that can lead to many hilarious stories, but I think I have enough stories now. I would like to not sleepwalk. If I fall asleep and something disturbs me I sleepwalk. And talk. This sleepwalking is generally the physical meaning of the phrase - I leave my bed / my room and wander. That sounded peaceful didn’t it? Ha. Wander. My family have many stories to tell about my wandering sleepwalking which normally involve me shouting like a mad woman and wandering the halls.
The wandering sleepwalking is rare, but mainly because I know that it is due to being disturbed massively when napping. The worst sleepwalking is when I sit up in bed and carry out whole (silent, I think) conversations with people.
I sit in bed and listen to these people rambling on, all the while thinking - jeesh, do you know how late it is?
I also imagine myself to be in other places. Like, whelp, I am at work, I hope no one notices I am naked. I will just surreptitiously cover my breasts with the bed sheet.
I work with patients so a lot of sleep-non-walking is patients coming in to my room. I am aware that something isn’t right about the situation but struggle to reason it out. Yes, self, it is perfectly normal to conduct meetings in my bed, naked. Can not see the problem so far. Make it quick, it is late and I want to go to sleep.
My mum and my sister, Sophie, randomly take the brunt of the sleepwalking. Firstly, in both cases, I think it is because they had no respect for a napping me and were in the line of fire, as it were, when I ‘woke’ up and starting screaming for graph paper. Yes. The screaming / shouting / rambling does eventually wake me up and yes. It can be embarrassing to realise you have been adamantly asking (demanding) for something, righteously, only to wake yourself up. Secondly, I lived with Sophie in a small flat. Our bedrooms were next to each other and I slept with my door open because we had a cat. Bumbling around my room ‘sorting laundry’ etc was clearly an easy to hear activity at 3am.
Of course Mum and Sophie have both been very considerate when dealing with me in this vulnerable state (hahaha are you sleepwalking? Are you asleep? Are you asleeeep? Are you asleeeeeeeeeeeeeep?) (to which the definitive answer is NO!) (SHUT UP AND GET BACK INTO BED).
I moved in with some friends a year ago. I have only a couple of times sleepwalked out of my room. Neither housemate has noticed. Once, scarily, I even shouted down the stairs in the early hours. I believe I was shouting: ‘I have got it’ although what I had is unconfirmed. I always am aware of when I have sleptwalked. The next day I embarrassedly apologised for disturbing them. They looked at me blankly. The fact that I got away with yelling down the stairs in the dead of night does not bode well for them waking up if the house is being burgled or we are on fire or the villagers come to spear the monster.
Some nights I go to bed and wake up tireder than before.
Some nights I go to bed and have whole conversations with friends and the next day I cannot look at them (so inconsiderate, do they know what time it is?).
Some nights I have a lover I tell I am a Phillips Senseo too.
Some nights I wake in a cold sweat thinking I have texted / called someone.
Coupled with the fact that I have been having trouble falling asleep and some terrible nightmares, I am just so tired. I thought this Christmas would sort it out. I was really looking forward to not feeling so tired but if anything it has just added ‘routine out of whack’ to my list of problems.
Lordy. Sleeping. I used to be so good at you.
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