In our house there is a rule. If Sophie and Matt go out for the evening I am allowed either one man OR six midgets.
Sophie: Im going out to tea with twins this eve and matt is going to see his pa.
Me: but id prepared . . . ha ha
Sophie: Prepared an amuse bouche, followed by oysters and champagne, followed by steak and chips followed by a triple chocolate mousse followed by a cheese board served from the naked chests of 7 midgets?
Me: yeah that was what i was going to do. except then i realised it wouldnt work as i am only allowed 6 midgets.
Sophie: Matt, is rosie allowed a 7th midget?
Me: I'd love it as much as the other 6!
Matt: i'm going to have to be a stickler for the rules and say only six midgets are allowed
Showing posts with label Conversations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conversations. Show all posts
Friday, 5 June 2009
Thursday, 4 June 2009
just say the word
I am not sure if I have mentioned it on here (and I cannot be bothered to go back and check) but there is a crazy house next to ours and a nutter who is forever calling his mate Alan from our driveway. You see, the back garden of the crazy house is down our driveway and so Alan's mate walks down it and leans over their fence and calls for Alan.
Here is an example of what used to wake me up at oh fuck o clock every weekend.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNN ALANNNNNNNN....... lend me some money Alannnnnnnnnnn!!! Carollll Carolll where's Alan? He doesn't want to talk to me? Lend me a pound Carol! Carol! Alannnnn I'm down on a tenner Alan!!!
Anyway. Sophie and Matt did not believe me until they witnessed it firsthand. Sophie was all DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? And I was all *blink blink*
Me: Someone might need to provide me with an alibi in a minute.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
Maybe you should go out and tell him you'e Alan. That'll confuse the crazy. Though I suspect most things confuse a crazy.
Me: No, you see. It is a Catch 22 situation (i read the book and from what I can understand, a crazy screaming outside the house definitely counts) as in. If I go give him a pound yelling OMG JESUS CHRIST HERE YOU GO TAKE IT TAKE IT FOR THE LOVE OF GODDD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. But then he would be back and hassling me and the thought of his little bald head peering in my window whilst I am trying to sleep is just too too much
And then I might feel a little bad letting loose on a crazy because.. you know. He's crazy.
Sadie: They deserve it. Just cos they're crazy, doesnt mean they are good peeps.
Me: Yeah but if they are bad peeps it is because there is a duck siting on their shoulder whispering stuff about melon balls and whatnot
Sadie: Laughing!
Sophie: Tell him to k no b off! If I was there I would!
I swear!
Sadie: SOPHIE!
Sophie: Yeah, we had this discussion. If we give him a pound then he’ll move on from Alan to us. I thought we could throw coppers really hard out the window at his big bald head so he doesn’t know where they are coming from. But I think he might just come back praying to the sky.
Sadie: LAUGHING!
So, really what we're all saying is that shooting then burying in cement to cover up the crime is your only option.
Sophie: Honestly, I had to restrain myself (ok, matt had to restrain me) when I was cooking dinner listening to it. I was about to go out with my knife aloft! I wouldn’t have stabbed him, just used it to emphasise a point.
Sadie: I felt like that at 1am when crazy neighbours were bickering.
Sophie: Oh mate, I think I would probably write them a letter saying please argue-whisper between 9pm-7am as it’s very inconsiderate.
Sadie: Or I could just shoot and cement 'em.
Me: yeah. but is it worth the effort? I mean. where are we gonna get cement from?
Sadie: I had not considered that.
Me: we'll do a deal. u scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. and by scratch i mean kill. and by back i mean neighbours
Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
I am more than prepared to scratch your backs. honestly, MORE THAN PREPARED.
Here is an example of what used to wake me up at oh fuck o clock every weekend.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNN ALANNNNNNNN....... lend me some money Alannnnnnnnnnn!!! Carollll Carolll where's Alan? He doesn't want to talk to me? Lend me a pound Carol! Carol! Alannnnn I'm down on a tenner Alan!!!
Anyway. Sophie and Matt did not believe me until they witnessed it firsthand. Sophie was all DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? And I was all *blink blink*
Me: Someone might need to provide me with an alibi in a minute.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
Maybe you should go out and tell him you'e Alan. That'll confuse the crazy. Though I suspect most things confuse a crazy.
Me: No, you see. It is a Catch 22 situation (i read the book and from what I can understand, a crazy screaming outside the house definitely counts) as in. If I go give him a pound yelling OMG JESUS CHRIST HERE YOU GO TAKE IT TAKE IT FOR THE LOVE OF GODDD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. But then he would be back and hassling me and the thought of his little bald head peering in my window whilst I am trying to sleep is just too too much
And then I might feel a little bad letting loose on a crazy because.. you know. He's crazy.
Sadie: They deserve it. Just cos they're crazy, doesnt mean they are good peeps.
Me: Yeah but if they are bad peeps it is because there is a duck siting on their shoulder whispering stuff about melon balls and whatnot
Sadie: Laughing!
Sophie: Tell him to k no b off! If I was there I would!
I swear!
Sadie: SOPHIE!
Sophie: Yeah, we had this discussion. If we give him a pound then he’ll move on from Alan to us. I thought we could throw coppers really hard out the window at his big bald head so he doesn’t know where they are coming from. But I think he might just come back praying to the sky.
Sadie: LAUGHING!
So, really what we're all saying is that shooting then burying in cement to cover up the crime is your only option.
Sophie: Honestly, I had to restrain myself (ok, matt had to restrain me) when I was cooking dinner listening to it. I was about to go out with my knife aloft! I wouldn’t have stabbed him, just used it to emphasise a point.
Sadie: I felt like that at 1am when crazy neighbours were bickering.
Sophie: Oh mate, I think I would probably write them a letter saying please argue-whisper between 9pm-7am as it’s very inconsiderate.
Sadie: Or I could just shoot and cement 'em.
Me: yeah. but is it worth the effort? I mean. where are we gonna get cement from?
Sadie: I had not considered that.
Me: we'll do a deal. u scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. and by scratch i mean kill. and by back i mean neighbours
Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
I am more than prepared to scratch your backs. honestly, MORE THAN PREPARED.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
british
Sadie: Just working out how to put my auuuto spell check back on
Sophie: Mine won’t switch off yank!!! The setting is English UK but it’s still misspelling English words.
Do they not understand Brittania rules the world?!!!!!
Jess: Oh God, thats appalling. But laughing at BRTW!
Me:dont ask me. i tell you. being out of work, you lose all sense of routine and time and capability. srsly. im like. shall i even bother to brush my teeth?? but i do because. you know. gross. not that far gone.
had a LOVELY day yesterday though. walked down to palmers green as i needed to go to the post office and renew my tax disc. i could have driven as i was only a few hours untaxed and on the way to pick up a new disc but i really really dont need a criminal record at the moment.
anyway. i walked and yea verily was it hot. i had nickleback on the ipod though so happily bopped along. i started on one side of the high street in that little clothes shop by the station. there was a beautiful maxi type hippy dress in there but it was £30. so i wandered to the bank and paid in a cheque and sweated a lot because it was approx 75 thousand degrees in there. then some little kid said something to me and i forgot i had rock music blaring and i thought i said what but in fact i said WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
then i wandered along the charity shops. i bought a couple of books in each one. well done charity shops! then i crossed over and went to the post office where, again, they tried to boil me alive and i queued up and q-ed and q-ed and then i was like, huh, maybe i should have checked that they did tax discs in here before i started q-ing. but i was feeling all zen and all, well, i have nothing better to do. but luckily they did do tax discs in there AND i had all the correct documents. high five me.
then i wandered into the picture shop and bought a little card to send to gma and pa and a union jack pen to write it with. then i carried on in the charity shops and then i needed a sandwich from greggs because i hadnt eaten yet. obviously i got stuck behind a mental who was debating bread with the sullen teenage boy serving who had no idea what bread she brought last time (and he didn't care, either) and i was all I JUST WANT MY PLOUGHMANS SANDWICH OMG (i wanted the tuna actually but i eat a lot of tuna at home and i dont want to give myself mercury poisoning).
Then i went into b wise. but i came straight out again. then i went into ethel austin where i bought a beautiful sundress which was £10 - much better priced for me! PLUS i also purchased 2 of their lavender body scrubs which were meant to be £1.50 but my total was only ten so either i stole the body scrubs or my dress was only 7. either way. bargainous.
then i went to morrisons to buy some eggs for matt. then i came out and by seconds missed my bus. by this point my bad was so freakin heavy and i almost fainted from dehydration but i didnt want to risk leaving the bus stop and another elusive 121.
anyway. then i got home and so did matt and sophie and matt cooked chicken kievs and omg YUMMEY.
Jess: oh dude that was VERY entertaining...
Sadie: Wasn't it! Laughed loud at the PO trying to boil you! Good on the dress for £7!!!!! I am off out now before the highest temps hit to see what the clothes shops in Leadenhall have.
Me:i came home and drank about 2 pints of water and lay very still. my whole outing only cost 15. unless you include a tax disc which was 66. and if that car breaks down before the disc is run out i will shake my fist
Sadie:Shake your fist and say grrrrrr no doubt.
Me: And needless to say i will be writing to complain
Sophie: Mine won’t switch off yank!!! The setting is English UK but it’s still misspelling English words.
Do they not understand Brittania rules the world?!!!!!
Jess: Oh God, thats appalling. But laughing at BRTW!
Me:dont ask me. i tell you. being out of work, you lose all sense of routine and time and capability. srsly. im like. shall i even bother to brush my teeth?? but i do because. you know. gross. not that far gone.
had a LOVELY day yesterday though. walked down to palmers green as i needed to go to the post office and renew my tax disc. i could have driven as i was only a few hours untaxed and on the way to pick up a new disc but i really really dont need a criminal record at the moment.
anyway. i walked and yea verily was it hot. i had nickleback on the ipod though so happily bopped along. i started on one side of the high street in that little clothes shop by the station. there was a beautiful maxi type hippy dress in there but it was £30. so i wandered to the bank and paid in a cheque and sweated a lot because it was approx 75 thousand degrees in there. then some little kid said something to me and i forgot i had rock music blaring and i thought i said what but in fact i said WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
then i wandered along the charity shops. i bought a couple of books in each one. well done charity shops! then i crossed over and went to the post office where, again, they tried to boil me alive and i queued up and q-ed and q-ed and then i was like, huh, maybe i should have checked that they did tax discs in here before i started q-ing. but i was feeling all zen and all, well, i have nothing better to do. but luckily they did do tax discs in there AND i had all the correct documents. high five me.
then i wandered into the picture shop and bought a little card to send to gma and pa and a union jack pen to write it with. then i carried on in the charity shops and then i needed a sandwich from greggs because i hadnt eaten yet. obviously i got stuck behind a mental who was debating bread with the sullen teenage boy serving who had no idea what bread she brought last time (and he didn't care, either) and i was all I JUST WANT MY PLOUGHMANS SANDWICH OMG (i wanted the tuna actually but i eat a lot of tuna at home and i dont want to give myself mercury poisoning).
Then i went into b wise. but i came straight out again. then i went into ethel austin where i bought a beautiful sundress which was £10 - much better priced for me! PLUS i also purchased 2 of their lavender body scrubs which were meant to be £1.50 but my total was only ten so either i stole the body scrubs or my dress was only 7. either way. bargainous.
then i went to morrisons to buy some eggs for matt. then i came out and by seconds missed my bus. by this point my bad was so freakin heavy and i almost fainted from dehydration but i didnt want to risk leaving the bus stop and another elusive 121.
anyway. then i got home and so did matt and sophie and matt cooked chicken kievs and omg YUMMEY.
Jess: oh dude that was VERY entertaining...
Sadie: Wasn't it! Laughed loud at the PO trying to boil you! Good on the dress for £7!!!!! I am off out now before the highest temps hit to see what the clothes shops in Leadenhall have.
Me:i came home and drank about 2 pints of water and lay very still. my whole outing only cost 15. unless you include a tax disc which was 66. and if that car breaks down before the disc is run out i will shake my fist
Sadie:Shake your fist and say grrrrrr no doubt.
Me: And needless to say i will be writing to complain
Monday, 1 June 2009
Monday, 4 May 2009
I'm down on a 20 Alannnnnn
Sadie: They've been filming Spooks outside the office this morning. Only Ros has been seen though. I'm hoping that tomorrow - I'm in the office from 7.30am - Richard Armitage will be popping along. Then quite frankly it will be a case of f*ck the testing, I'm off out to drool!
Jess: Awesome!!!!!
Sadie: And of course if I do get to meet him, lets just say I'm quitely confident of a June wedding.
Sophie: Hello hello, I think that would definitely be the case. Can I attend? Went to BX last night and spent £80 at the Mac make up counter. The woman was really non-invasive and nice. I think that was her secret skill. Ro is in her interview now. I just called Matt up and said I’m nervous. Sadie, 7.30! Work! Saturday! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I would not cope well with that. Would not cope well at all. Lots of keenos here come in at the weekends (through choice) including Matt.
Jess: Ro coming here after interview- quick lunch in the churchyard- will see how she got on-
I'm working tomorrow, been covering allys sickness so been on half 5 wake ups for nearly 2 weeks- so tired- no lie in tomorrow- no lie in Sunday- work absolutely horrendous here- every fu**ing person must be ill in the fu**ing UK.
Tired, pissy, fed-up----------- fu*8ing fax machine/emails are relentless-----non stopping............ JESUS FU**ING CHRIST IF THIS FU**ING GODDAM FU**ING FAX MACHINE DOESN'T STOP FUCKING SHI* FU**ING SPEWING OUT STUFF OUT SOON MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sadie: God, you poor f*ck.
Laughing at the rant though.
I am geting the 6.52 tom from Enfield Taaan by the way.
Jess: Oh dude I get the 7.23 but if i can drag my arse up I'll go for that one too!!! I'm sure I can manage it.
Sadie: No, dont get up half an hour before you have to dude!!!!! I have to be up at 5.50 and thats bad enough.
Jess: Be nice to see you tho, so i'll try.......you know wot i'm like...i'll wake up anyway.......just keep your phone handy........no probs........
I’m sorry. Ro is ok and all but I would not wake up that early to see her.
Sophie: She called me by the way. Said it went well but I’m sure she’ll tell you ALLLLLLLLL about it. Hmm just looked up and seen that she was included in this email.
I called her yesterday and she was asleep. She said “yes, yes that is fine.” Me: are you asleep?
Ro:No
Me: what did you want me to buy you again?
Ro: what?
Me: what did you… are you sure you aren’t sleep talking right now?
Ro: NO I AM AWAKE … tell the lady rufflerufflemoon
Me: ok…
*20 mins later my phone rings*
Ro: Hi, did you call me earlier?
Me: eh…
Ro: what were you saying again?
Jess: Oh dudeeeeeeeeeeeee last bit so funnyyyyyyyyyy
Sophie: For months on end Rosie has said there is someone shouting “ALAN” outside her window. Frankly, I was not a believer. I thought I would be able to hear someone shouting outside the flat. This has gone on for ages. Every few days she gets up and asks if we heard the person calling for Alan.
This being Ro, I just labeled it under ‘crazy sleep’.
Matt has stood outside the house before shouting Alan outside her window.
So, matt and I came home a couple of days ago and there was a bald man dressed all in black loitering around outside.
He was getting agitated and started calling out into the crazy garden. As we get into the house we hear him shouting
“ALAN, ALAN GIVE ME SOME MONEY ALAN”
Ro *in the lounge*: can you hear that man calling for Alan again?
Matt and I: dumdedum Nope.
I think this is how people get committed.
Sadie: Laughing! Thats so MEAN!!!!!!
Jess: Awesome!!!!!
Sadie: And of course if I do get to meet him, lets just say I'm quitely confident of a June wedding.
Sophie: Hello hello, I think that would definitely be the case. Can I attend? Went to BX last night and spent £80 at the Mac make up counter. The woman was really non-invasive and nice. I think that was her secret skill. Ro is in her interview now. I just called Matt up and said I’m nervous. Sadie, 7.30! Work! Saturday! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I would not cope well with that. Would not cope well at all. Lots of keenos here come in at the weekends (through choice) including Matt.
Jess: Ro coming here after interview- quick lunch in the churchyard- will see how she got on-
I'm working tomorrow, been covering allys sickness so been on half 5 wake ups for nearly 2 weeks- so tired- no lie in tomorrow- no lie in Sunday- work absolutely horrendous here- every fu**ing person must be ill in the fu**ing UK.
Tired, pissy, fed-up----------- fu*8ing fax machine/emails are relentless-----non stopping............ JESUS FU**ING CHRIST IF THIS FU**ING GODDAM FU**ING FAX MACHINE DOESN'T STOP FUCKING SHI* FU**ING SPEWING OUT STUFF OUT SOON MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sadie: God, you poor f*ck.
Laughing at the rant though.
I am geting the 6.52 tom from Enfield Taaan by the way.
Jess: Oh dude I get the 7.23 but if i can drag my arse up I'll go for that one too!!! I'm sure I can manage it.
Sadie: No, dont get up half an hour before you have to dude!!!!! I have to be up at 5.50 and thats bad enough.
Jess: Be nice to see you tho, so i'll try.......you know wot i'm like...i'll wake up anyway.......just keep your phone handy........no probs........
I’m sorry. Ro is ok and all but I would not wake up that early to see her.
Sophie: She called me by the way. Said it went well but I’m sure she’ll tell you ALLLLLLLLL about it. Hmm just looked up and seen that she was included in this email.
I called her yesterday and she was asleep. She said “yes, yes that is fine.” Me: are you asleep?
Ro:No
Me: what did you want me to buy you again?
Ro: what?
Me: what did you… are you sure you aren’t sleep talking right now?
Ro: NO I AM AWAKE … tell the lady rufflerufflemoon
Me: ok…
*20 mins later my phone rings*
Ro: Hi, did you call me earlier?
Me: eh…
Ro: what were you saying again?
Jess: Oh dudeeeeeeeeeeeee last bit so funnyyyyyyyyyy
Sophie: For months on end Rosie has said there is someone shouting “ALAN” outside her window. Frankly, I was not a believer. I thought I would be able to hear someone shouting outside the flat. This has gone on for ages. Every few days she gets up and asks if we heard the person calling for Alan.
This being Ro, I just labeled it under ‘crazy sleep’.
Matt has stood outside the house before shouting Alan outside her window.
So, matt and I came home a couple of days ago and there was a bald man dressed all in black loitering around outside.
He was getting agitated and started calling out into the crazy garden. As we get into the house we hear him shouting
“ALAN, ALAN GIVE ME SOME MONEY ALAN”
Ro *in the lounge*: can you hear that man calling for Alan again?
Matt and I: dumdedum Nope.
I think this is how people get committed.
Sadie: Laughing! Thats so MEAN!!!!!!
Friday, 27 March 2009
unbelievable
Me: Guess what happened in Asda last night!!!! The checkout lady thought I was Sophie's MOTHER!!!!! Not happy. At all. And she's now dead. I had to mash her for that one.
Sadie: i'M LAUGHING SO HARD THAT I cant type properly! Seriously dude, the woman must be a bit simple though!
Jess: OH DUDE....that is SO not funny!!!!!!!!! Why then, am I peeing myself?
Sophie: Checkout lady scanning wine: eh, you aren’t paying though? your… mum is? Me: haha, yes, I am paying. That’s my little sister.
Jess: FUNNY!!!!
Me: UN BE LIEV ABLE.
It was.
UNBELIEVABLE
Jess: Laughing!!!! Funny dude!!!
Sadie: Still laughing.
Jess: Me too
Sophie: Then I got out my driving licence which was PINK woo hoo!!! Then I wound Rosie up all evening. I couldn’t possibly put the shopping away, I’ll leave mum and dad to it etc
Me: Luckily I am a firm believer in beating ones kids.
Sadie: i'M LAUGHING SO HARD THAT I cant type properly! Seriously dude, the woman must be a bit simple though!
Jess: OH DUDE....that is SO not funny!!!!!!!!! Why then, am I peeing myself?
Sophie: Checkout lady scanning wine: eh, you aren’t paying though? your… mum is? Me: haha, yes, I am paying. That’s my little sister.
Jess: FUNNY!!!!
Me: UN BE LIEV ABLE.
It was.
UNBELIEVABLE
Jess: Laughing!!!! Funny dude!!!
Sadie: Still laughing.
Jess: Me too
Sophie: Then I got out my driving licence which was PINK woo hoo!!! Then I wound Rosie up all evening. I couldn’t possibly put the shopping away, I’ll leave mum and dad to it etc
Me: Luckily I am a firm believer in beating ones kids.
Thursday, 26 March 2009
alternatives
Me: My tomatoes are delicious.
Jess: EH? I had sushi for lunch.
Me: I had a chicken bagel and some veges Sophie cut up. I pretended they were cake. Mmm mmm mmm mmm MMM.
Jess: Hmm mmm m mmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm yummy...... Cake is bad. Veggies are good...I feel I should be finishing that sentence off with a gangster rap lyric thingy.... something in da hood!
Me: Cake is bad
Veggies are good
Don't hit the spot like cake could
Tho
Jess: Well up to the 'tho' I was wondering if I was emailing notorius B.I.G.
Me: You are emailing notorious B.I.G... is why I am eating veggies innit.
Jess: Ffddd!
Sophie: That is well gangsta… trippin
Me: I know. Think I have found an alternative career. GANGSTA aiiiiiight
Jess: EH? I had sushi for lunch.
Me: I had a chicken bagel and some veges Sophie cut up. I pretended they were cake. Mmm mmm mmm mmm MMM.
Jess: Hmm mmm m mmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm yummy...... Cake is bad. Veggies are good...I feel I should be finishing that sentence off with a gangster rap lyric thingy.... something in da hood!
Me: Cake is bad
Veggies are good
Don't hit the spot like cake could
Tho
Jess: Well up to the 'tho' I was wondering if I was emailing notorius B.I.G.
Me: You are emailing notorious B.I.G... is why I am eating veggies innit.
Jess: Ffddd!
Sophie: That is well gangsta… trippin
Me: I know. Think I have found an alternative career. GANGSTA aiiiiiight
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
romancinnnnn
Backstory: David is back in the dating game. Him trying out some chat up lines:
Get in the van
Don't scream
Should I bother flirting or shall I just get out the Rohypnol now?
etc. They amused me A LOT but I'm sick.
David: Afternoon Bounciepoo
Me: Keep calling me that and I will mash you
David: I'd just enjoy that..
Me: Pervert
David: Shut up and get in the van
Me: You WISH you had a van
David: I don't NEED a van
Me: I really don't think throwing someone over the back of your bike is going to work....
David: I got a potato sack and a bloody big shopping basket. Shut up and get on the bike
Me: Dude. I really don't want to see you on CrimeWatch tomorrow - man on pushbike tries to kidnap woman...
David: True.. just invite me over then. Less paperwork.
Me: ROMANTIC
Jess: I have so laughed at David!!!! David who IS David, I love him already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I call him Dave. Suits him more. He hates it. He says it makes him sound like an idiot. I'm all *.....*
Jess: So is he Dave? or Roderick? I laughed out loud again and showed Ally your Dave conversation!!!
Me: Was really making me laugh too. Which is unfortunate in a public place... laughing at rape... ho hum.
Jess: Dave's come from Dagenham.........it's a given........me and Ally know this for fact...Dave is Dagenham Dave, a bit like comedy Deeve is from oop north.
Me: "All Daves are from Dagenham. FACT."
HAHA. He is Enfield Tahnnnnnnnn mate.
Also, he is really into Arnold Swartzenegger (whatever spellchecker). Like, really. Amusingly really. We went to Forbidden Planet on Friday (OH DEARSSS) and he casuallyyyyy leant on the counter and was all, er... mate... do you have any... er... TERMINATOR stuff? And the guy was all, dude, no. And Dave was all, lets leave now. But he said it to empty air because I was disassociating.
Jess: SRSLY.... I'm pissing myself!!!
Me: He is also amusingly ... slow? literal? Like, we were in Spitalfields and he picked up Jeff Buckleys album and I said, oh, does it have Alexandra Burke singing Hallelujah on it? And he was all ER NO DUH I DON'T THINK SO. And I'm all, shut up Dave
Jess: How did you meet Dave from Dagenham?
Me: Dave is more Matt's mate I think... well. We used to all work in the library together and his evening was with Matt (mine was with Fiontan) and if you weren't paired with someone on an evening you didn't really see them as most non-casual staff did Saturdays elsewhere.
ANYWAY. I used to chat to him a bit though. He fancied Sophie. He cracked Matt up.
I think he used to text Matt a bit but they never met up. Then I was online one day and David started chatting to me. Then I think he texted Matt and was all, I've broken up with my gf lets all go out drinking. And I chatted to him online more. We went out drinking.. and he's become a mate.
I was like, MATT. DAVE IS REALLY AMUSING. And Matt was all DUH! Don't you remember me telling you he read books on tanks at the counter?? And I was all NOW I UNDERSTAND. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH.
Jess: SRSLY...I LOVE HIM and I don't know him.....
Me: Some people are so amusing. He walks like Terminator too. As in, straight across a road. I'm all *cover eyes.*
And when we got off at my station (he came back to mine for a cuppa) and he marched off. I was all WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO MINE BEFORE. COME BACK. Like, he was HERDING ME the wrong way.
Then, we sat in the lounge drinking tea. And he was all, what a nice view. I'm really digging this room. Loving the pictures, the sofas are cool, all those c.d's are amazing.. BUT. What SKIP did you drag that tv out of??
OH AND. TALKINGGGG OF HERDING:
When me Sophie and Sadie went to Brent Cross, Sophie and Sadie kept wandering in the wrong direction. Sophie had a go at me because she was all GOD IT IS LIKE A ROUTE MARCH just because I was like LEFT. But if I hadn't of said it, those 2 have ended up in Early Learning.
ANYWAY. We were on the A10 shopping thing and whilst Matt was in JJB's we headed to Homebase. A straight line of shops. Homebase big and green at the end.... so why Sophie and Lulu headed into Comet I DON'T KNOW.
And Lulu was all, gosh, we would have worked it out eventually.
And I'm all EVENTUALLY??? Why do you need time to work out that this shop is BLATANTLY not HOMEBASE???
Jess: SNIGGER!!! man I'm srsly loving this dude!!
And, Dude I'm so with you on the wandering malarkey, Sadie does it ALL the time.... but she lives in her own little world, like Sophie, so we're used to it!!! Funny tho...... Sophie, Lulu and Sadie are a disaster waiting to happen......oh no, hang on too fu**ing late!!!
Am still laughing out loud at Dave leaning on the counter and going, mate, have you any terminator stuff.. classic!!!
Me: If Sophie starts driving. And we go somewhere. And she drives. I'm going to be scared to fall asleep incase we end up in Scotland.
How's Ally's driving??!! Booked any road trips???
Him leaning on the counter and trying to be nonchalant about it all .. HAHAHAHAHA.
Jess: She hasn't actually driven yet but that is because her car has been out of action.... hey dude she's drving us to Grandmas on April 26th! But she's gonna have to drink to put up with mad June and ken, and of course you, and mark, and lulu, and Lucy... Also, Ro, I can't get past the counter thing...I'm still enjoying and laughing...just shared with Ally.
Me: HAHA! I hid behind some Twilight merchandise.
She's going to drive down? Ar that's wicked! Good to see her! Why is her car out of action? Did she run someone over? She really shouldn't. That dents up cars more than you'd think.
I'm loving my gma and pa so no rudeness about them! Fingers crossed that I have a job by then.
Jess: FUNNY!!! Her car is just not recognising the key entry code.... what thef**kever! She wants to run someone over badly tho....(secretly, she says, that's why she hasn't got in the car yet).
Me: Key entry code? Goodness. Fancy. When my car won't let me in (e.g. I've locked the keys inside) I just pull down the corner of the door.
Running people over is tempting but damaging to a small vehicle like mine. Also, I don't want to drive around with a gaffer taped up bonnet again.
Jess: Oh man funny!!!
Get in the van
Don't scream
Should I bother flirting or shall I just get out the Rohypnol now?
etc. They amused me A LOT but I'm sick.
David: Afternoon Bounciepoo
Me: Keep calling me that and I will mash you
David: I'd just enjoy that..
Me: Pervert
David: Shut up and get in the van
Me: You WISH you had a van
David: I don't NEED a van
Me: I really don't think throwing someone over the back of your bike is going to work....
David: I got a potato sack and a bloody big shopping basket. Shut up and get on the bike
Me: Dude. I really don't want to see you on CrimeWatch tomorrow - man on pushbike tries to kidnap woman...
David: True.. just invite me over then. Less paperwork.
Me: ROMANTIC
Jess: I have so laughed at David!!!! David who IS David, I love him already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I call him Dave. Suits him more. He hates it. He says it makes him sound like an idiot. I'm all *.....*
Jess: So is he Dave? or Roderick? I laughed out loud again and showed Ally your Dave conversation!!!
Me: Was really making me laugh too. Which is unfortunate in a public place... laughing at rape... ho hum.
Jess: Dave's come from Dagenham.........it's a given........me and Ally know this for fact...Dave is Dagenham Dave, a bit like comedy Deeve is from oop north.
Me: "All Daves are from Dagenham. FACT."
HAHA. He is Enfield Tahnnnnnnnn mate.
Also, he is really into Arnold Swartzenegger (whatever spellchecker). Like, really. Amusingly really. We went to Forbidden Planet on Friday (OH DEARSSS) and he casuallyyyyy leant on the counter and was all, er... mate... do you have any... er... TERMINATOR stuff? And the guy was all, dude, no. And Dave was all, lets leave now. But he said it to empty air because I was disassociating.
Jess: SRSLY.... I'm pissing myself!!!
Me: He is also amusingly ... slow? literal? Like, we were in Spitalfields and he picked up Jeff Buckleys album and I said, oh, does it have Alexandra Burke singing Hallelujah on it? And he was all ER NO DUH I DON'T THINK SO. And I'm all, shut up Dave
Jess: How did you meet Dave from Dagenham?
Me: Dave is more Matt's mate I think... well. We used to all work in the library together and his evening was with Matt (mine was with Fiontan) and if you weren't paired with someone on an evening you didn't really see them as most non-casual staff did Saturdays elsewhere.
ANYWAY. I used to chat to him a bit though. He fancied Sophie. He cracked Matt up.
I think he used to text Matt a bit but they never met up. Then I was online one day and David started chatting to me. Then I think he texted Matt and was all, I've broken up with my gf lets all go out drinking. And I chatted to him online more. We went out drinking.. and he's become a mate.
I was like, MATT. DAVE IS REALLY AMUSING. And Matt was all DUH! Don't you remember me telling you he read books on tanks at the counter?? And I was all NOW I UNDERSTAND. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH.
Jess: SRSLY...I LOVE HIM and I don't know him.....
Me: Some people are so amusing. He walks like Terminator too. As in, straight across a road. I'm all *cover eyes.*
And when we got off at my station (he came back to mine for a cuppa) and he marched off. I was all WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO MINE BEFORE. COME BACK. Like, he was HERDING ME the wrong way.
Then, we sat in the lounge drinking tea. And he was all, what a nice view. I'm really digging this room. Loving the pictures, the sofas are cool, all those c.d's are amazing.. BUT. What SKIP did you drag that tv out of??
OH AND. TALKINGGGG OF HERDING:
When me Sophie and Sadie went to Brent Cross, Sophie and Sadie kept wandering in the wrong direction. Sophie had a go at me because she was all GOD IT IS LIKE A ROUTE MARCH just because I was like LEFT. But if I hadn't of said it, those 2 have ended up in Early Learning.
ANYWAY. We were on the A10 shopping thing and whilst Matt was in JJB's we headed to Homebase. A straight line of shops. Homebase big and green at the end.... so why Sophie and Lulu headed into Comet I DON'T KNOW.
And Lulu was all, gosh, we would have worked it out eventually.
And I'm all EVENTUALLY??? Why do you need time to work out that this shop is BLATANTLY not HOMEBASE???
Jess: SNIGGER!!! man I'm srsly loving this dude!!
And, Dude I'm so with you on the wandering malarkey, Sadie does it ALL the time.... but she lives in her own little world, like Sophie, so we're used to it!!! Funny tho...... Sophie, Lulu and Sadie are a disaster waiting to happen......oh no, hang on too fu**ing late!!!
Am still laughing out loud at Dave leaning on the counter and going, mate, have you any terminator stuff.. classic!!!
Me: If Sophie starts driving. And we go somewhere. And she drives. I'm going to be scared to fall asleep incase we end up in Scotland.
How's Ally's driving??!! Booked any road trips???
Him leaning on the counter and trying to be nonchalant about it all .. HAHAHAHAHA.
Jess: She hasn't actually driven yet but that is because her car has been out of action.... hey dude she's drving us to Grandmas on April 26th! But she's gonna have to drink to put up with mad June and ken, and of course you, and mark, and lulu, and Lucy... Also, Ro, I can't get past the counter thing...I'm still enjoying and laughing...just shared with Ally.
Me: HAHA! I hid behind some Twilight merchandise.
She's going to drive down? Ar that's wicked! Good to see her! Why is her car out of action? Did she run someone over? She really shouldn't. That dents up cars more than you'd think.
I'm loving my gma and pa so no rudeness about them! Fingers crossed that I have a job by then.
Jess: FUNNY!!! Her car is just not recognising the key entry code.... what thef**kever! She wants to run someone over badly tho....(secretly, she says, that's why she hasn't got in the car yet).
Me: Key entry code? Goodness. Fancy. When my car won't let me in (e.g. I've locked the keys inside) I just pull down the corner of the door.
Running people over is tempting but damaging to a small vehicle like mine. Also, I don't want to drive around with a gaffer taped up bonnet again.
Jess: Oh man funny!!!
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Steve leaves
Chris is leaving my old place of work. Since he has been known as Steve there for 3 years now, I assume it is to get his identity back.
Steve: Dear all,
Just a quick reminder about this Thursday. For those of you who were away last week, we postponed the dinner to Thursday 19th March, so hopefully everyone can now make it along.
The vague plan is to meet in a pub at 6pm, then I will book a table somewhere for 7pm. Please let me know whether this works with everyone. If so, I will send clearer plans on the day.
I have already got confirmation from Hollie, Martina, Sam, Florian, Charlotte and myself, so am still waiting for a final word from Mike, Shamima and Fanny.
Hopefully see you all on Thursday.
Regards,
CS
Me: RUDE. Don't I count?
Steve: Apologies Rosie! But to quote Jagdish, "you worthless monkey!"
Count yourself officially counted. See you on Thursday.
Sam: I guess we all took it for granted you would be there - like Chris. Else what's the point?
Me: Thanks Sam! I tell you, it is lucky I know such great people otherwise I might have chucked myself under the Piccadilly Line by now... actually, that is a lie. I find it really bugging when people do that.
Sam: Too true, please choose another line when the time comes. Look forward to seeing you. Sam
Steve: Dear all,
Just a quick reminder about this Thursday. For those of you who were away last week, we postponed the dinner to Thursday 19th March, so hopefully everyone can now make it along.
The vague plan is to meet in a pub at 6pm, then I will book a table somewhere for 7pm. Please let me know whether this works with everyone. If so, I will send clearer plans on the day.
I have already got confirmation from Hollie, Martina, Sam, Florian, Charlotte and myself, so am still waiting for a final word from Mike, Shamima and Fanny.
Hopefully see you all on Thursday.
Regards,
CS
Me: RUDE. Don't I count?
Steve: Apologies Rosie! But to quote Jagdish, "you worthless monkey!"
Count yourself officially counted. See you on Thursday.
Sam: I guess we all took it for granted you would be there - like Chris. Else what's the point?
Me: Thanks Sam! I tell you, it is lucky I know such great people otherwise I might have chucked myself under the Piccadilly Line by now... actually, that is a lie. I find it really bugging when people do that.
Sam: Too true, please choose another line when the time comes. Look forward to seeing you. Sam
Friday, 13 March 2009
drivin
Jess: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! ALLY PASSED HER DRIVING TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sadie: Oh DUDE!!!!!!! WELL DONE ALLY!!!!!!!! That's SUPER!!!!!!
Sophie: OH THANK GAWD!!!! WELL DONE ALLY!
Jess: You and her both!
Sophie: My driving licence arrived today!
Sadie: So, thats everyone but me then!
Me: You should hook up with lulu. She has a vair vair interesting business plan re: hot naked chauffeur drivers.
Sophie: YOUR TURN SADIE!
Sadie: So not.
Jess: Aw, Sade, not important dude.
Sophie: Oh, that’s what I meant too!
Sadie: TOO LATE! I shall just stick to knitting and kittens. And wardrobe removal.
Me: If those 3 categories are your strengths... good luck dude.
Sadie: Mean
Sophie: Tee hee
Me: Congrats to Ally anyways. Did she get her boobs out? ME TOO
Sadie: Dude. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.
Me: Give me a break, that sht was HARD man. Also, that just proves I am entrepreneurial and forward thinking and willing to put my best foot forward etc.
Sadie: Proud of you babe. Proud.
Sadie: Oh DUDE!!!!!!! WELL DONE ALLY!!!!!!!! That's SUPER!!!!!!
Sophie: OH THANK GAWD!!!! WELL DONE ALLY!
Jess: You and her both!
Sophie: My driving licence arrived today!
Sadie: So, thats everyone but me then!
Me: You should hook up with lulu. She has a vair vair interesting business plan re: hot naked chauffeur drivers.
Sophie: YOUR TURN SADIE!
Sadie: So not.
Jess: Aw, Sade, not important dude.
Sophie: Oh, that’s what I meant too!
Sadie: TOO LATE! I shall just stick to knitting and kittens. And wardrobe removal.
Me: If those 3 categories are your strengths... good luck dude.
Sadie: Mean
Sophie: Tee hee
Me: Congrats to Ally anyways. Did she get her boobs out? ME TOO
Sadie: Dude. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.
Me: Give me a break, that sht was HARD man. Also, that just proves I am entrepreneurial and forward thinking and willing to put my best foot forward etc.
Sadie: Proud of you babe. Proud.
Friday, 6 February 2009
trouserless
Things that you say at 5am:
Woken up by Clyde leaping onto dresser:
Mmmmmmok well, you can play with my makeup but try not to tangle my necklaces
Clyde drinking out your water glass:
Try not to spill that on my phone
Clyde snuggling/sticking his head in your face:
Cute. Lets do this another time though cos this is too early. K?
Clyde biting your hands:
ow. this really hurts. please stop
Clyde scratching the fake wood:
Dude, that's not realllll. Go do it somewhere else.
Things that you say at 7.30am:
Clyde leaping onto the dresser:
OMG GET DOWN YOU IDIOT WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION!!?????
Clyde drinking out your water glass:
DUDE!!! OMG!!!! I DRINK THAT!!! HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING IT TOO???? GROSS!!!
Clyde snuggling/sticking his head in your face:
This doesn't happen when it's a convenient time. E.g. Not fuck o'clock
Clyde biting your hands:
OW THAT HURTS JESUS CHRIST CAT
Clyde scratching the fake wood:
No, srsly, that ain't real wood. Stop it before it looks worse than it does... are you even listening to me?
Jess: Oh god I love this email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keeping it!
Sadie: Laughing big time! I'm beginning to be grateful I dont have a cat!
Sophie: Last night -
*THUMPPPPPPPP CRASH*
Matt: Erm… Clyde?
Matt: Clyde!
Matt: CLYDE!
Clyde: …. *looking*
Matt: Clyde, are Clyde’s allowed up there?
Clyde: *Looking*
Clyde: *Still just generally looking*
Matt: It’s ok buddy I’ll get you down
Matt: (Whispering) It’s ok, I won’t tell Sophie what your arse has just done to her glasses
Me: OH MY GOD YOU FAT EFFING CAT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY YOU AREN’T ALLOWED UP THERE YOU GINORMOUS BL**DY LUMP
Matt: Poor Clyde, I think you have upset him
Clyde *Still just looking*
Me: POOR CLYDE?! RANTRANTRANT
Jess: Srsly fu88ing funnyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! Love it!!!
Me: You know, it's funny when it happens to you. And your stuff.
Jess: Snigger
Me: When I got home last night, Sophie and Matt were lounging on their bed. I went in and had a chat. Went out and bumped into Clyde outside. Picked him up and went back in their room and was all: Look Clyde, all your family together! I put him on the bed. He LEAPED off and shot out the door. Matt: "Well. Huh. That was pretty insulting."
Sophie: Yes, this was 10 mins after the whole sitting on my glasses situation. He had just endured a bit of an earful.
I had a big fat headache last night and came home after an hour and a half driving lesson. Was going to put some washing on and think about dinner but I just took my trousers off and went to bed. Then Clyde came in and sat on me. That Matt came home and was like, what is going on? And then he sat on the bed watching telly. Then Rosie came home and was all, what is going on? And I just wanted to be in bed trouserless and in peace and dark.
Me: *All in bedroom*
Sophie: I would just like you both to know that I'm trouserless.
Me: Eh, you're always naked
Matt: *doesn't even acknowledge*
Jess: Oh laughing still!!
Sadie: FD! All your nightly conversations just excellent!
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
butts
I went to uni with this guy. He is still at uni now because, for some reason, he decided to do a Masters. At uni I thought he was a bit of a jerk. Like, taking the piss out of people for laughs. It all stopped when I yelled at him. But he started talking to me online, apologised for not realising he was a big jerk and is now... kinda funny. The butt thing is because one of his jokes was to tell everyone I loved butt sex. Just out of the blue. Said that. He is pretty lucky I just yelled at him, come to think of it.
Sonny: What's up bum girl?
Rosie: You are.
Sonny: : )
Rosie: My butt looked great on Tuesday. For reals. OH! Did you get a snow day!!??? ME TOO!!
Sonny: I've been off uni all week. Lectures today though. What did you get up to on Tuesday?
Rosie: Because of the snow? Cool. Tuesday?? Work. Had to trek in. Left early though because am scared of breaking a hip on the black ice
Sonny: Your bum looked good at work?
Rosie: What?? Oh. Are we back to my butt? Gosh. That is all you talk about. It's sad really
Sonny: 2 things on my mind...
Rosie: Left cheek. And right.
Sonny: LOL! Liverpool and sex : )
Rosie: Sad. To the Liverpool part. I had to listen to the live transfer coverage on Monday
Sonny: You don't deny the sex part then!
Rosie: uu - That was supposed to be a butt smiley. I guess I'm not down with the kids enough to know how to do that.
Sonny: Lol
Rosie: EXCEPT I saw some Obama footage and this interviewer was asking him about his fist bumping. Except she called it FISTING. Obama. Fists :O
Sonny: Lol
Rosie: YES WE DID
Sonny: You're nuts
Rosie: What? Why? Because I'm topical?
Sonny: Just how you put things. Neway mate. I gotta get ready to go uni
Rosie: Student bum
Sonny: I'm not a typical student bum
Rosie: Stop talking about bums. Pervert
Sonny: YOU STARTED IT
Rosie: Definitely did not.
Sonny: Okkkkk.
Sonny: What's up bum girl?
Rosie: You are.
Sonny: : )
Rosie: My butt looked great on Tuesday. For reals. OH! Did you get a snow day!!??? ME TOO!!
Sonny: I've been off uni all week. Lectures today though. What did you get up to on Tuesday?
Rosie: Because of the snow? Cool. Tuesday?? Work. Had to trek in. Left early though because am scared of breaking a hip on the black ice
Sonny: Your bum looked good at work?
Rosie: What?? Oh. Are we back to my butt? Gosh. That is all you talk about. It's sad really
Sonny: 2 things on my mind...
Rosie: Left cheek. And right.
Sonny: LOL! Liverpool and sex : )
Rosie: Sad. To the Liverpool part. I had to listen to the live transfer coverage on Monday
Sonny: You don't deny the sex part then!
Rosie: uu - That was supposed to be a butt smiley. I guess I'm not down with the kids enough to know how to do that.
Sonny: Lol
Rosie: EXCEPT I saw some Obama footage and this interviewer was asking him about his fist bumping. Except she called it FISTING. Obama. Fists :O
Sonny: Lol
Rosie: YES WE DID
Sonny: You're nuts
Rosie: What? Why? Because I'm topical?
Sonny: Just how you put things. Neway mate. I gotta get ready to go uni
Rosie: Student bum
Sonny: I'm not a typical student bum
Rosie: Stop talking about bums. Pervert
Sonny: YOU STARTED IT
Rosie: Definitely did not.
Sonny: Okkkkk.
Saturday, 31 January 2009
SMASH
Background: Since I watched the Hulk on Sunday night, every conversation I've had with David has included the words: "Hulk SMASH!!!
David: Right, I'm off for a blood test.
Rosie: Are you off to see if you are the Hulk?
David: No. I know I'm the Hulk. What with forever waking up in random locations naked. A trail of destruction behind me and a raging headache.
Rosie: ARE YOU REALLY THE HULK??!! OMG. WAIT RIGHT THERE. I AM COMING TO JUMP YOUR BONES.
David: What?? Do you fancy the Hulk!!????
Rosie: Er... YEAH. Who doesn't??
David: We've talked about this. What about his penis problems?
Rosie: What?! What penis problems??! We just said that no one could fell him by kicking him in the nuts!
David: You're only going out with him because of his big arms. I mean, it certainly ain't the conversation. Especially when all he can say is "Betty."
Rosie: What can I say. I chose big arms over conversation. I am shallow like that. Plus, I don't mind him calling me Betty.
Someone I used to work with used to call me Audrey.
David: "Yes darling, Hulk smash!, now come on lets go to the cinema"
Rosie: Jealous
David: I just cant believe youve found someone better at smashing than me. I'll just have to go find me a radioactive chick
Rosie: Good luck with that
David: Wow. We talk a lot of bollocks.
David: Right, I'm off for a blood test.
Rosie: Are you off to see if you are the Hulk?
David: No. I know I'm the Hulk. What with forever waking up in random locations naked. A trail of destruction behind me and a raging headache.
Rosie: ARE YOU REALLY THE HULK??!! OMG. WAIT RIGHT THERE. I AM COMING TO JUMP YOUR BONES.
David: What?? Do you fancy the Hulk!!????
Rosie: Er... YEAH. Who doesn't??
David: We've talked about this. What about his penis problems?
Rosie: What?! What penis problems??! We just said that no one could fell him by kicking him in the nuts!
David: You're only going out with him because of his big arms. I mean, it certainly ain't the conversation. Especially when all he can say is "Betty."
Rosie: What can I say. I chose big arms over conversation. I am shallow like that. Plus, I don't mind him calling me Betty.
Someone I used to work with used to call me Audrey.
David: "Yes darling, Hulk smash!, now come on lets go to the cinema"
Rosie: Jealous
David: I just cant believe youve found someone better at smashing than me. I'll just have to go find me a radioactive chick
Rosie: Good luck with that
David: Wow. We talk a lot of bollocks.
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
questions mainly based on scary programmes on tv
Me: Would you rather:
Suck a slimy, snotty slug
or
Crunch a cockroach?
Gio: Great, great question….cockroach I think.
A woman here just said she wouldn’t sell her cat for £20 million. I told her to get a grip.
Me: I think cockroach too. The thought of even touching the slug makes me gag.
£20 million!!!!!! Firstly, I would question the sanity of anyone offering £20 million for Clyde. Second, I would question it whilst cashing my £20 million down Barclays.
Would you rather:
Suck a tramps crusty infected toes for up to and including 5 minutes
or
Give him £1000?
Gio: Have to give them a grand of my dosh I suppose.
Looked at my CD collection yesterday and really worried about myself when I saw Kylie, Aqua, Take That and Chapzone staring back at me.
Me: Me too.
Don't worry re: the albums. Matt has some of those too. He just hides them between albums like: omgihateeveryonetheyareallsuchloserswhydoesntanyoneunderstandmegoingtohavetopokemyselfintheeyeargh
Would you rather be:
Half ton son
or
Half man/half tree?
P.s. It is the year of the Ox. Even though I am rattus rattus, I feel this is my year.
Gio: Have to be Half ton son, at least he can do something about it I suppose.
I’m an Ox an’all!!
Me: Good answer. I don't think I could still be your friend if you were the tree man. Freaks me out too much. I could only watch 4 minutes of that programme. Like the Elephant Man. Me and Matt were arguing the other day about what Rolf harris' wobble board was called and he wouldn't change the channel off of the Elephant Man until I said, alright alright it is called something more technical than wobble board.
We have some very sophisticated debates in our house.
ARE YOU ALSO AN OX???!!!! HAHA! Biiiiiig and strongggggg.
Would you rather get off with:
One of those extreme doll things
Or
A bollard?
Gio: Some of those "extreme doll things" are very nice I'll have you known.
Me: ... Lordy
Suck a slimy, snotty slug
or
Crunch a cockroach?
Gio: Great, great question….cockroach I think.
A woman here just said she wouldn’t sell her cat for £20 million. I told her to get a grip.
Me: I think cockroach too. The thought of even touching the slug makes me gag.
£20 million!!!!!! Firstly, I would question the sanity of anyone offering £20 million for Clyde. Second, I would question it whilst cashing my £20 million down Barclays.
Would you rather:
Suck a tramps crusty infected toes for up to and including 5 minutes
or
Give him £1000?
Gio: Have to give them a grand of my dosh I suppose.
Looked at my CD collection yesterday and really worried about myself when I saw Kylie, Aqua, Take That and Chapzone staring back at me.
Me: Me too.
Don't worry re: the albums. Matt has some of those too. He just hides them between albums like: omgihateeveryonetheyareallsuchloserswhydoesntanyoneunderstandmegoingtohavetopokemyselfintheeyeargh
Would you rather be:
Half ton son
or
Half man/half tree?
P.s. It is the year of the Ox. Even though I am rattus rattus, I feel this is my year.
Gio: Have to be Half ton son, at least he can do something about it I suppose.
I’m an Ox an’all!!
Me: Good answer. I don't think I could still be your friend if you were the tree man. Freaks me out too much. I could only watch 4 minutes of that programme. Like the Elephant Man. Me and Matt were arguing the other day about what Rolf harris' wobble board was called and he wouldn't change the channel off of the Elephant Man until I said, alright alright it is called something more technical than wobble board.
We have some very sophisticated debates in our house.
ARE YOU ALSO AN OX???!!!! HAHA! Biiiiiig and strongggggg.
Would you rather get off with:
One of those extreme doll things
Or
A bollard?
Gio: Some of those "extreme doll things" are very nice I'll have you known.
Me: ... Lordy
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
riddles and revelations
Sophie: There's a body lying dead on a bed, and on the floor beside it is a pair of scissors. The scissors were instrumental in his death, yet there's no trace of blood. The body reveals no signs of any cuts or bruises. How could the person have been murdered with the pair of scissors?
Me: Rubber/metal allergy. You hear about people with allergies like that. They can't wear condoms.
Jess: Shouldn't we call the police instead of trying to solve the crime ourselves? I mean...someone's dead!
Sophie: I think they need to call EXTREME FORENSICS!
Me: I reckon
he swallowed the scissors
and then
pooped them out.
No need for extreme forensics. I'm on it.
Jess: FD!! It's rather sad that i immediately think of stupid things to say RATHER than actually be bothered enough to work out the riddle... I spose it's because I just don't really give a f**k... and I'm immature.
Sophie: Or me:
What was he wearing? What time was it? How long had he been dead for? Where was the suspect? Was there any DNA evidence? Fingerprints?
Actually, that line of questioning would serve me well for a career with the fowensics.
Jess: FD!!!
Me: No. You'd be going:
Where did he get his socks from?
What was his paternal grandparents called?
Jess: She SO would!!!
Sophie: Background research!!!
Me: She'd keep on like that until there was a new murder. Hers.
Jess: FD! Fowensics funny! It was probably a perverts death of some sort anyway.
Me: CASE CLOSED
Me: YOU CAN ALL GO HOME. SORTED.
Me: PUT THAT MICROSCOPE AWAY! DIDN'T YOU HEARRR??? PERVERTS DEATH
Jess: Oh reeeely laughing here!!!!
Sophie: I’d LOVEEEEEEEEE that job. Best job ever.
Me: That job is GROSS. You have to deal with dead bodies in refrigerators. That is not my idea of a good time. Unless I put them there.
Jess: FD! I could kill very easily.
Sophie: Me too, especially with a gun where you wouldn’t have to jab flesh or anything squeamish
Me: I've never thought of shooting anyone. If I was going to kill someone I could easily run them over. Or beat them to death. I think once I started battering someone, I wouldn't stop. I'm not like one of those people who get startled by a burglar or attacked and who manage to knock them down but then run off. If I got them down I am going to mash them. Get Clyde to sit on them whilst I call the old bill. Throw bleach and nailvarnish remover at them. ... I've thought it through.
Jess: Srsly you HAVE thought this through!!!
Jess: Oh man I'm still pissing myself here!!!! NAILVARNISH REMOVER???? BLEACH????? What is WRONG with you???
Sophie: Dunno but getting scared. Especially with the sleepwalking tendencies.
Me Srlsy, Sophie threw that shit in my eyes once. Thought I'd been blinded.
Sophie: WHAT! WHEN?
Me: Years ago. You were sitting on the top bunk. I was standing. I remember the burn like it was yesterday.
Jess: Snigger.......elephant memory much!
Me: It is hard to forget these things. Also, if you are ever attacked and you throw nailvarnish remover at them and you survive... YOU'RE WELCOME
.
.
.
.
.
Sadie: Am on a course..
At 4.30 I had had enough.
At 4.45 I had had more than enough.
At 5.15 I had zoned out
At 5.20 I threw a murderous look at Paul when he said 'can I just ask..............'
At 5.21, with the aid of a pair of scissors...............
Me: Rubber/metal allergy. You hear about people with allergies like that. They can't wear condoms.
Jess: Shouldn't we call the police instead of trying to solve the crime ourselves? I mean...someone's dead!
Sophie: I think they need to call EXTREME FORENSICS!
Me: I reckon
he swallowed the scissors
and then
pooped them out.
No need for extreme forensics. I'm on it.
Jess: FD!! It's rather sad that i immediately think of stupid things to say RATHER than actually be bothered enough to work out the riddle... I spose it's because I just don't really give a f**k... and I'm immature.
Sophie: Or me:
What was he wearing? What time was it? How long had he been dead for? Where was the suspect? Was there any DNA evidence? Fingerprints?
Actually, that line of questioning would serve me well for a career with the fowensics.
Jess: FD!!!
Me: No. You'd be going:
Where did he get his socks from?
What was his paternal grandparents called?
Jess: She SO would!!!
Sophie: Background research!!!
Me: She'd keep on like that until there was a new murder. Hers.
Jess: FD! Fowensics funny! It was probably a perverts death of some sort anyway.
Me: CASE CLOSED
Me: YOU CAN ALL GO HOME. SORTED.
Me: PUT THAT MICROSCOPE AWAY! DIDN'T YOU HEARRR??? PERVERTS DEATH
Jess: Oh reeeely laughing here!!!!
Sophie: I’d LOVEEEEEEEEE that job. Best job ever.
Me: That job is GROSS. You have to deal with dead bodies in refrigerators. That is not my idea of a good time. Unless I put them there.
Jess: FD! I could kill very easily.
Sophie: Me too, especially with a gun where you wouldn’t have to jab flesh or anything squeamish
Me: I've never thought of shooting anyone. If I was going to kill someone I could easily run them over. Or beat them to death. I think once I started battering someone, I wouldn't stop. I'm not like one of those people who get startled by a burglar or attacked and who manage to knock them down but then run off. If I got them down I am going to mash them. Get Clyde to sit on them whilst I call the old bill. Throw bleach and nailvarnish remover at them. ... I've thought it through.
Jess: Srsly you HAVE thought this through!!!
Jess: Oh man I'm still pissing myself here!!!! NAILVARNISH REMOVER???? BLEACH????? What is WRONG with you???
Sophie: Dunno but getting scared. Especially with the sleepwalking tendencies.
Me Srlsy, Sophie threw that shit in my eyes once. Thought I'd been blinded.
Sophie: WHAT! WHEN?
Me: Years ago. You were sitting on the top bunk. I was standing. I remember the burn like it was yesterday.
Jess: Snigger.......elephant memory much!
Me: It is hard to forget these things. Also, if you are ever attacked and you throw nailvarnish remover at them and you survive... YOU'RE WELCOME
.
.
.
.
.
Sadie: Am on a course..
At 4.30 I had had enough.
At 4.45 I had had more than enough.
At 5.15 I had zoned out
At 5.20 I threw a murderous look at Paul when he said 'can I just ask..............'
At 5.21, with the aid of a pair of scissors...............
Monday, 26 January 2009
I like big butts and I can not lie
Jes: Oh man…Monday…and Saturday to look forward to. Not.
Sophie: Nooooooooooooooo(nonononononononononono)
Jess: FD.... though I do feel that pain.
Sophie: Where is Sadie then?
Jess: I dunno!! Any idea?
Sophie: Chillaxing at home?
Me: Funny! That is what I think too. I am eating porridge. Taking it slowly.
Jess: She may be on a course I suppose? Now I want to know.... I'll text her.
Sophie: Company brekkie being delivered in a mo. Good thing about that is the crate of yummy seasonal fruit from I believe the only English greengrocers left in London. I like to make myself a platter to last the week
Me: Wish we had fresh fruit delivered here. Instead we get doughnuts. Loads and loads of doughnuts and custard creams. My butt. Jess - I had a dream last night that you lost so much weight that you butt was like... TINY. But, like, DEFORMED tiny. I don't know why I am dreaming of your butt instead of, for e.g., Jensen Ackles' butt. You need to write and complain for me.
Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!! Laughing big time!!! New series of Supernatural started last night........gosh those two lads are lovely.... bestest tv programme eva! I'd damwell love to see Jensen's butt.
Me: Talking of butts-
Me: Get down. Down. GET DOWN. DOWN. GET... Clyde.. I am NEVER going to feed you again unless you get down
Clyde: SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTT
Me: Graceful.
He is a big butt head. He was sitting in the front of the dresser getting ready to leap up. I was lying in my bed going, sternly, NO CLYDE. NO. NO. He was all WHATEVER *preparing to leap* I rolled up my magazine and was like NO CLYDE. He looked at me and was all, pffft. *Walks round to side of dresser, out of reach of me by the door and leapt up. Me: Ok. That was impressively done. But GET DOWN
Sophie: He did that to me yesterday. When I was going “OI. OIIIIIII, GET. OFF.” He just sat his fat a r s e down and looked me in the eye.
Jess: Oh FFDD!!!! So FD! "Sat his fat a r s e down!"
Sophie: The thing was I was sitting on my bed sorting out my scarves so he was literally looking me in the eye in a blatant display of “Yeah…. And?” It’s just so rhude! He has every ledge and sofa, bed and even the kitchen table to plonk on but I take offence to the one area I have made nice with jewellery, photos, make up etc
Me: I know. The ONE surface. The one with glasses of water, coffee cups, perfume bottles. What a d i c k.
ALSO. He came and snuggled last night. Too late I was all, dude you are WET and pushed him off the white sheets. This morning there is a perfect trail of muddy paw prints. Gross.
Jess: Fd! HE'S A RIGHT BOY THAT CAT!!! Rude and ignorant...actually that is so cat!
Sophie: It’s the only surface that I have covered with trinkets and bits and bobs that I like.
I typed bits and boobs then but that is definitely not right.
Jess: SNIGGER. Funny tho.
Sophie: Nooooooooooooooo(nonononononononononono)
Jess: FD.... though I do feel that pain.
Sophie: Where is Sadie then?
Jess: I dunno!! Any idea?
Sophie: Chillaxing at home?
Me: Funny! That is what I think too. I am eating porridge. Taking it slowly.
Jess: She may be on a course I suppose? Now I want to know.... I'll text her.
Sophie: Company brekkie being delivered in a mo. Good thing about that is the crate of yummy seasonal fruit from I believe the only English greengrocers left in London. I like to make myself a platter to last the week
Me: Wish we had fresh fruit delivered here. Instead we get doughnuts. Loads and loads of doughnuts and custard creams. My butt. Jess - I had a dream last night that you lost so much weight that you butt was like... TINY. But, like, DEFORMED tiny. I don't know why I am dreaming of your butt instead of, for e.g., Jensen Ackles' butt. You need to write and complain for me.
Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!! Laughing big time!!! New series of Supernatural started last night........gosh those two lads are lovely.... bestest tv programme eva! I'd damwell love to see Jensen's butt.
Me: Talking of butts-
Me: Get down. Down. GET DOWN. DOWN. GET... Clyde.. I am NEVER going to feed you again unless you get downClyde: SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTT
Me: Graceful.
He is a big butt head. He was sitting in the front of the dresser getting ready to leap up. I was lying in my bed going, sternly, NO CLYDE. NO. NO. He was all WHATEVER *preparing to leap* I rolled up my magazine and was like NO CLYDE. He looked at me and was all, pffft. *Walks round to side of dresser, out of reach of me by the door and leapt up. Me: Ok. That was impressively done. But GET DOWN
Sophie: He did that to me yesterday. When I was going “OI. OIIIIIII, GET. OFF.” He just sat his fat a r s e down and looked me in the eye.
Jess: Oh FFDD!!!! So FD! "Sat his fat a r s e down!"
Sophie: The thing was I was sitting on my bed sorting out my scarves so he was literally looking me in the eye in a blatant display of “Yeah…. And?” It’s just so rhude! He has every ledge and sofa, bed and even the kitchen table to plonk on but I take offence to the one area I have made nice with jewellery, photos, make up etc
Me: I know. The ONE surface. The one with glasses of water, coffee cups, perfume bottles. What a d i c k.
ALSO. He came and snuggled last night. Too late I was all, dude you are WET and pushed him off the white sheets. This morning there is a perfect trail of muddy paw prints. Gross.
Jess: Fd! HE'S A RIGHT BOY THAT CAT!!! Rude and ignorant...actually that is so cat!
Sophie: It’s the only surface that I have covered with trinkets and bits and bobs that I like.
I typed bits and boobs then but that is definitely not right.
Jess: SNIGGER. Funny tho.
Friday, 23 January 2009
not an animal
Sadie: Wanted to read and reply to all emails as I have 5 mins but PC crashing all over the place so can barely type this email. Forgodsakeandallthatsholyalready...........
Sophie: 5 mins til what?
Me: You could do a lot in 5 minutes. Madge and Justin saved the world in only 4
Sadie: I didnt quite save the world, but I have managed to get through the week without performing a face to desk bounce on anyone, and thats quite a remarkable feat.
I am having a nightmare time again, no lunch for days, early mornings, late nights. And I also had a reasonably rubbish time on Saturday. Went for a meal before O2 concert, forty quid for some chicken and chips and a glass of water. Right put me in a bad mood that did. Plus 25 quid taxi cos 02 is in such a shite place you cant get home from it.
Still at least...............no, there's no at least.
Jess: Morning ho's. 'fraid I'm gonna have to get the expression 'face to desk bounce' in SOMEWHERE today!!! Srsly like that!!!!!
Sophie: Who did you see at the O2? £40 for chicken and chips? I go to the Pizza Express if I go to the O2. Just put on contact lenses, face powder, eyeliner, mascara and a coat of nail polish at my desk (over the chipping coat).
Added bonus: someone came to talk to me whilst I was trying to put my lenses in and said “bad time” and walked off.
Went to see The Reader last night.
Jess: CLEVER! What was The Reader like?...................My Bloody Valentine was mega tosh, but Mr Ackles was stunningly gorgeous eye candy homicidal maniac in it so I enjoyed that!!! Can't stand these men falling in love with stupid chicks so sexy murdering slasher quite appeals to me...hmm.... I know what I WROTE is so wrong but I just can't seem to care.......
Me: You are into homicidal maniacs Titch? Because I am sure out of all the crazies I talk to, some must fit that description. Let me know if you wanna be hooked up.
Disclaimer: None look like Jensen Ackles.
Jess: I ONLY WANT CRAZY IF HE LOOKS LIKE JENSEN...............
Sophie: No dude, I hate all that crud as well. Lulu and Rosie LOVE those films though. I find it quite shocking the b*llocks they watch as no one else in the entire family is into that tripe. I quite enjoyed The Reader, although it was a bit odd.
Jess: God I DETEST them........I honestly can't think of anything worse than romcoms or chickflicks! I love films mind!!! Don't mind rooood films tho, s'long as there's not a fu**ing squeak of *sneery face* romance!!!
Me: Me and Lol love us a bit of Charlies Angels COME ON and Miss Congeniality. And Happy Go Lucky is great.
Jess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sophie:Hahahahhahahahahahaa. Do you know what…. I was going to say in my 1st email if it’s got Cameron Diaz (vom) in it they love it.
Jess: Cameron freakin Diaz is a freak.
Me: I wouldn't mind being freaky like her.
Sadie: I agree with Jess and Soph re the Romcoms. Although I do have a sneaky fondness for the Doris Day/Rock Hudson Pillow Talk. Personally I like a jolly good action thriller with plenty of bad language. Angela likes films about paraplegic's who then have something dreadful happen to them.................srysly
I saw Carmina Burana and Verdi at the O2, cos I is posh totty. What is The Reader?
Re face to desk bounce, I do love the idea of doing it silently. I can imagine my arm swiftly lashing out, followed by a loud thwack ringing out in the silence of the office as desk connectivity is made. And I've still got bad sinuses, so they should just leave me the F**K alone today.
Me: I like most films but me and Lol love a good crappy one. Not too crappy though 'PS I LOVE YOU' I AM LOOKING AT YOU.
I HATE the depressing ones like paraplegics and whatnot. Sophie went out last night and Matt was trying to get me to watch Elephant Man with him. I was all NO and he was all *pretending to be elephant man* AIIIIII AMMMMM NOTTTTTT ANNNN ANIMALLLLLLLLLLLL.
I love the thought of someone coming up to you and asking a stupid question whilst you are typing and you just do the head bounce thing. I'm just gonna pretend that is what you are doing.
Cool re: Carmen. Was it good?
Poor you with the sinuses. I just have a headache from dealing with idiots. Oh the FATIGUE of it all!
Sadie: Laughing at Matt impression! Dude, Elephant Man though, what a deeeeeeeeeeepressing film.
Carmen was good, although the performance art during it was a bit strange. At one point Angela turned to me and in a loud whisper said 'Oh what the F*CK are they doing now'
Clearly we just ain't that cultured.
Sophie: Carmina Burana – good one.
I imagine the head, desk interface Wallace and Gromit plasticine style for some reason.
Matt text me last night “let me know when you’re on your way home and I’ll do your hot water bottle” how sweet is that.
Sinuses – mine are HIDEOUS too!!!! It’s back. Waking up feeling like someone smashed my face in again, perpetually tired. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT SO I AM WITH YOU THERE
Sadie: Matt is sooooo sweet!
Poor you, I thought your sinuses were a thing of the past. The first day I got it I woke myself up at three in the morning shouting MY NOSE REALLY HURTS. My shouting really made my heart race, and I spent half an hour trying to calm down. And another half hour searching for nurofen.
Sophie: I feel your pain but that made me larfffff. I a bit behind due to lunch break commitments and typing one handedly
Sadie: Laughing!Is the one handed typing due to holding food in the other?
Also, I was a bit embarrassed after that shout. Said to myself, there's not actually anyone in the room to tell.
Sophie: Mate, I’ve just eaten 6 baby pitas and tarama (again). Feel like I’ve eaten a breeze block. Woooo. Very full now.
Me: Have I told you how irritating Clyde has been lately? For some reason he has decided that the best place to be is on my dresser. Which is crowded with delicate things. Like lamps. And glasses of water. And, also, he likes it best up there at night. So I get woken up by him standing on my head so his fat butt can leap up. That is the first insult. Second he bumbles around up there and I have to get up and get him down before I'm cleaning up broken glass and whatnot at 3am. Third. Stupid cat.
Although he was amusing me GREATLY last night by sticking his head in the top of my lamp whilst I was in bed reading. Like, his whole head. Then I guess he realised the bulb was really hot because it kept making him sneeze. But he kept sticking his head back in it. And sneezing. And his little head would come out looking all confused and puzzled and dazed. I laughed a lot. Until he woke me up all night jumping onto my dresser.
Jess: I so laughed at this mail!!!!
Sadie: Laughing! Ah, he sounds such a cutie. A big mountainous lump of a cutie, but a cutie nevertheless. Wish I could have a cat, it's not fair.
Sophie: This morning he lay in wait in the bathroom and then leapt on to my leg in attack as I walked in (having woken up 10 seconds previously). Very shocking. Very shocking indeed.
Jess: Izzy has worked out that why smack my face once during the night when she can keep smacking it as it wakes me up and i larf!!!
I woke up this morning with a pin prick spot of blood on the bridge of my nose, yup, a rather violent reminder of an izzy swipe....
AND again she sneezed full in my face last night!!! I.MEAN.FULL.ON.SNEEZE!!!!
Sadie: Dude. Hasnt she seen those adverts on the tube escalator saying USE A HANKIE.
Me: I hate those adverts. Next to the word moist, I hate 'water droplets' in terms of those posters. Makes me retch.
Sadie: So, you wouldnt like a hanky, made moist from water droplets? Hanky is a silly word when written down. Or is is Hankie?
Jess: Snot rag dude.
Sadie: But I am a lady.
Jess: Again, snot rag dude.
Sophie: Titch, did you go to finishing school? It’s just with that turn of phrase I’m sure you must have.
Jess: Well I know school finished me off...does that count?
Sophie: 5 mins til what?
Me: You could do a lot in 5 minutes. Madge and Justin saved the world in only 4
Sadie: I didnt quite save the world, but I have managed to get through the week without performing a face to desk bounce on anyone, and thats quite a remarkable feat.
I am having a nightmare time again, no lunch for days, early mornings, late nights. And I also had a reasonably rubbish time on Saturday. Went for a meal before O2 concert, forty quid for some chicken and chips and a glass of water. Right put me in a bad mood that did. Plus 25 quid taxi cos 02 is in such a shite place you cant get home from it.
Still at least...............no, there's no at least.
Jess: Morning ho's. 'fraid I'm gonna have to get the expression 'face to desk bounce' in SOMEWHERE today!!! Srsly like that!!!!!
Sophie: Who did you see at the O2? £40 for chicken and chips? I go to the Pizza Express if I go to the O2. Just put on contact lenses, face powder, eyeliner, mascara and a coat of nail polish at my desk (over the chipping coat).
Added bonus: someone came to talk to me whilst I was trying to put my lenses in and said “bad time” and walked off.
Went to see The Reader last night.
Jess: CLEVER! What was The Reader like?...................My Bloody Valentine was mega tosh, but Mr Ackles was stunningly gorgeous eye candy homicidal maniac in it so I enjoyed that!!! Can't stand these men falling in love with stupid chicks so sexy murdering slasher quite appeals to me...hmm.... I know what I WROTE is so wrong but I just can't seem to care.......
Me: You are into homicidal maniacs Titch? Because I am sure out of all the crazies I talk to, some must fit that description. Let me know if you wanna be hooked up.
Disclaimer: None look like Jensen Ackles.
Jess: I ONLY WANT CRAZY IF HE LOOKS LIKE JENSEN...............
Sophie: No dude, I hate all that crud as well. Lulu and Rosie LOVE those films though. I find it quite shocking the b*llocks they watch as no one else in the entire family is into that tripe. I quite enjoyed The Reader, although it was a bit odd.
Jess: God I DETEST them........I honestly can't think of anything worse than romcoms or chickflicks! I love films mind!!! Don't mind rooood films tho, s'long as there's not a fu**ing squeak of *sneery face* romance!!!
Me: Me and Lol love us a bit of Charlies Angels COME ON and Miss Congeniality. And Happy Go Lucky is great.
Jess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sophie:Hahahahhahahahahahaa. Do you know what…. I was going to say in my 1st email if it’s got Cameron Diaz (vom) in it they love it.
Jess: Cameron freakin Diaz is a freak.
Me: I wouldn't mind being freaky like her.
Sadie: I agree with Jess and Soph re the Romcoms. Although I do have a sneaky fondness for the Doris Day/Rock Hudson Pillow Talk. Personally I like a jolly good action thriller with plenty of bad language. Angela likes films about paraplegic's who then have something dreadful happen to them.................srysly
I saw Carmina Burana and Verdi at the O2, cos I is posh totty. What is The Reader?
Re face to desk bounce, I do love the idea of doing it silently. I can imagine my arm swiftly lashing out, followed by a loud thwack ringing out in the silence of the office as desk connectivity is made. And I've still got bad sinuses, so they should just leave me the F**K alone today.
Me: I like most films but me and Lol love a good crappy one. Not too crappy though 'PS I LOVE YOU' I AM LOOKING AT YOU.
I HATE the depressing ones like paraplegics and whatnot. Sophie went out last night and Matt was trying to get me to watch Elephant Man with him. I was all NO and he was all *pretending to be elephant man* AIIIIII AMMMMM NOTTTTTT ANNNN ANIMALLLLLLLLLLLL.
I love the thought of someone coming up to you and asking a stupid question whilst you are typing and you just do the head bounce thing. I'm just gonna pretend that is what you are doing.
Cool re: Carmen. Was it good?
Poor you with the sinuses. I just have a headache from dealing with idiots. Oh the FATIGUE of it all!
Sadie: Laughing at Matt impression! Dude, Elephant Man though, what a deeeeeeeeeeepressing film.
Carmen was good, although the performance art during it was a bit strange. At one point Angela turned to me and in a loud whisper said 'Oh what the F*CK are they doing now'
Clearly we just ain't that cultured.
Sophie: Carmina Burana – good one.
I imagine the head, desk interface Wallace and Gromit plasticine style for some reason.
Matt text me last night “let me know when you’re on your way home and I’ll do your hot water bottle” how sweet is that.
Sinuses – mine are HIDEOUS too!!!! It’s back. Waking up feeling like someone smashed my face in again, perpetually tired. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT SO I AM WITH YOU THERE
Sadie: Matt is sooooo sweet!
Poor you, I thought your sinuses were a thing of the past. The first day I got it I woke myself up at three in the morning shouting MY NOSE REALLY HURTS. My shouting really made my heart race, and I spent half an hour trying to calm down. And another half hour searching for nurofen.
Sophie: I feel your pain but that made me larfffff. I a bit behind due to lunch break commitments and typing one handedly
Sadie: Laughing!Is the one handed typing due to holding food in the other?
Also, I was a bit embarrassed after that shout. Said to myself, there's not actually anyone in the room to tell.
Sophie: Mate, I’ve just eaten 6 baby pitas and tarama (again). Feel like I’ve eaten a breeze block. Woooo. Very full now.
Me: Have I told you how irritating Clyde has been lately? For some reason he has decided that the best place to be is on my dresser. Which is crowded with delicate things. Like lamps. And glasses of water. And, also, he likes it best up there at night. So I get woken up by him standing on my head so his fat butt can leap up. That is the first insult. Second he bumbles around up there and I have to get up and get him down before I'm cleaning up broken glass and whatnot at 3am. Third. Stupid cat.
Although he was amusing me GREATLY last night by sticking his head in the top of my lamp whilst I was in bed reading. Like, his whole head. Then I guess he realised the bulb was really hot because it kept making him sneeze. But he kept sticking his head back in it. And sneezing. And his little head would come out looking all confused and puzzled and dazed. I laughed a lot. Until he woke me up all night jumping onto my dresser.
Jess: I so laughed at this mail!!!!
Sadie: Laughing! Ah, he sounds such a cutie. A big mountainous lump of a cutie, but a cutie nevertheless. Wish I could have a cat, it's not fair.
Sophie: This morning he lay in wait in the bathroom and then leapt on to my leg in attack as I walked in (having woken up 10 seconds previously). Very shocking. Very shocking indeed.
Jess: Izzy has worked out that why smack my face once during the night when she can keep smacking it as it wakes me up and i larf!!!
I woke up this morning with a pin prick spot of blood on the bridge of my nose, yup, a rather violent reminder of an izzy swipe....
AND again she sneezed full in my face last night!!! I.MEAN.FULL.ON.SNEEZE!!!!
Sadie: Dude. Hasnt she seen those adverts on the tube escalator saying USE A HANKIE.
Me: I hate those adverts. Next to the word moist, I hate 'water droplets' in terms of those posters. Makes me retch.
Sadie: So, you wouldnt like a hanky, made moist from water droplets? Hanky is a silly word when written down. Or is is Hankie?
Jess: Snot rag dude.
Sadie: But I am a lady.
Jess: Again, snot rag dude.
Sophie: Titch, did you go to finishing school? It’s just with that turn of phrase I’m sure you must have.
Jess: Well I know school finished me off...does that count?
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
priorities
Dad: Do you miss living here?
Me: Well, I miss not having to wash mould off the walls that is for sure
Dad: ... anything else?
Me: Not having to deal with stupid blimmin plumbing problems was great too
Dad: ANYTHING ELSE
Me: OH! OH! I MISS LIVING WITH YOU DAD!
Dad: I'M BEHIND MOULD AND BLOCKED TOILETS?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Well, I miss not having to wash mould off the walls that is for sure
Dad: ... anything else?
Me: Not having to deal with stupid blimmin plumbing problems was great too
Dad: ANYTHING ELSE
Me: OH! OH! I MISS LIVING WITH YOU DAD!
Dad: I'M BEHIND MOULD AND BLOCKED TOILETS?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
lamp or wall fixture?
Sophie: Matt: Yesterday Clive was wearing one of those things that you tie around your neck
Me: A neckerchief?! Really!? When?!
Matt: Dude, not the cat, Clyde. Cli-V-e. From work.
Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Matt: I think they wear them where he's from
Me: The Scouts?!
Matt: No, South Africa
Matt: Jesus, I wish I never bother sometimes.
Me: Funny. I don't like telling you stories because you question everything. E.g, what colour where his socks? And I'm all, dude, I was telling you that he had just had a baby, what have socks got to do with anything?
Sadie: Snorting! What was your expression Rosie, eyes on the story?
Sophie: Whatever!
Me: Yeah. Exactly. When I worked with Giovanni, I couldn't tell him anything either. He does the same thing as Sophie. You're trying to tell some 3 minute anecdote and he is asking who their grandparents are or something. I told Sophie something once and she asked her usual 23 questions and I was all OMG. And then, we were in the library, I told Giovanni. Like, 2 minutes later. And he asked hundreds of questions too. I remember being all THAT IS IT I AM NOT TELLING YOU TWO STUFF ANYMORE. Matt clearly hasn't learnt.
Sophie: Some people just aren't 'bigger picture' people
Sadie: Laughing!
Jess: Pi**ing myself!!!!
Me: Mate. It is the most annoying thing ever.
Jess: Funny tho......
Sadie: Laughing! So whilst the rest of us are often saying TMI, Sophie is saying TLI - too little information.
Sophie: It's just those stupid jokes that you don't get are jokes. e.g. a man walks into a bar..... I need background like what bar? when? was he alone? But obviously not as obvious as that.
Me: Well. Sometimes . . .
Sadie: You would be perfect for my job!!! The old joke goes -
God said "Let there be light"
The Business Analyst says " What colour do you want? When should it come on?"
Sophie: Lamp or wall fixture?
Sadie: Laughing!
Do you want it to turn on and off automatically? Do you ever want it to flash? Should there be an override switch? How do you want it powered? Who will have access to fix it when it goes wrong? What do you want as an area of coverage? Do you want it off in some places and on in others? When you say white, what shade of white?
My job can be very fulfilling sometimes.
Sophie: I find it excruciating when Matt casually throws stuff in like: "My sister watched Iron Man as well... and oh yeah, she's pregnant." Really? how far pregnant? Does she know what she's having? And he's just like I don't know for eff sake I was asking her about Iron Man. He is the opposite to me. Absolutely painful.
Jess: FD! Got woken up this morning by a full-blown-right-in-the-face-wet-far-reaching cat sneeze...Me: DUUUUDDDDDE
Me: DISGUSTING
Jess: Was. I'm not concentrating on what's going on in the office as I'm on the net reading, but I'm sure I just heard R ask C something and C replied: "We can't put her there because she's a hippo" ...........I'm not asking.
Me: I bet she wasn't as big as the half ton son. Me and Sophie watched that last night. Sophie laughed when this seriously seriously obese woman crashed her mobility scooter thingy into an underwear stand in a shop. I tutted at her and she was all: WHATTT? She's not that fat anymore and it's ok to laugh now! And I was all, ok HAHA
Sadie: Good to see the spirit of Christian Christmas goodwill and loving is still with us
Jess: Snigger
Me: Sophie: MATT MATTTTTTT MATT MATT MATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT MATT MATTT MATT
Matt: *Coming out of his bedroom where he has been doing homework* What?
Sophie: Watch half ton son with us!!!
Matt: This is really not my thing
Sophie: No! It is great! Look at him!
Matt: No, seriously. This is not my thing. I'm with you on the forensic programmes but this I will leave ... why is she feeding him hamburgers?
Me: Dude. That's nothing. He was sitting on the toilet a minute ago and his belly covered the whole thing, right down to the floor! And then his mum had to wipe his butt!
Matt: *Looking at us* *Leaves the room*
Sadie: Oh God, laughing!
Jess: Oh srsly...............funny.... but I'm gonna have to go with Matt on this one...........*looking at you*
Me: A neckerchief?! Really!? When?!
Matt: Dude, not the cat, Clyde. Cli-V-e. From work.
Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Matt: I think they wear them where he's from
Me: The Scouts?!
Matt: No, South Africa
Matt: Jesus, I wish I never bother sometimes.
Me: Funny. I don't like telling you stories because you question everything. E.g, what colour where his socks? And I'm all, dude, I was telling you that he had just had a baby, what have socks got to do with anything?
Sadie: Snorting! What was your expression Rosie, eyes on the story?
Sophie: Whatever!
Me: Yeah. Exactly. When I worked with Giovanni, I couldn't tell him anything either. He does the same thing as Sophie. You're trying to tell some 3 minute anecdote and he is asking who their grandparents are or something. I told Sophie something once and she asked her usual 23 questions and I was all OMG. And then, we were in the library, I told Giovanni. Like, 2 minutes later. And he asked hundreds of questions too. I remember being all THAT IS IT I AM NOT TELLING YOU TWO STUFF ANYMORE. Matt clearly hasn't learnt.
Sophie: Some people just aren't 'bigger picture' people
Sadie: Laughing!
Jess: Pi**ing myself!!!!
Me: Mate. It is the most annoying thing ever.
Jess: Funny tho......
Sadie: Laughing! So whilst the rest of us are often saying TMI, Sophie is saying TLI - too little information.
Sophie: It's just those stupid jokes that you don't get are jokes. e.g. a man walks into a bar..... I need background like what bar? when? was he alone? But obviously not as obvious as that.
Me: Well. Sometimes . . .
Sadie: You would be perfect for my job!!! The old joke goes -
God said "Let there be light"
The Business Analyst says " What colour do you want? When should it come on?"
Sophie: Lamp or wall fixture?
Sadie: Laughing!
Do you want it to turn on and off automatically? Do you ever want it to flash? Should there be an override switch? How do you want it powered? Who will have access to fix it when it goes wrong? What do you want as an area of coverage? Do you want it off in some places and on in others? When you say white, what shade of white?
My job can be very fulfilling sometimes.
Sophie: I find it excruciating when Matt casually throws stuff in like: "My sister watched Iron Man as well... and oh yeah, she's pregnant." Really? how far pregnant? Does she know what she's having? And he's just like I don't know for eff sake I was asking her about Iron Man. He is the opposite to me. Absolutely painful.
Jess: FD! Got woken up this morning by a full-blown-right-in-the-face-wet-far-reaching cat sneeze...Me: DUUUUDDDDDE
Me: DISGUSTING
Jess: Was. I'm not concentrating on what's going on in the office as I'm on the net reading, but I'm sure I just heard R ask C something and C replied: "We can't put her there because she's a hippo" ...........I'm not asking.
Me: I bet she wasn't as big as the half ton son. Me and Sophie watched that last night. Sophie laughed when this seriously seriously obese woman crashed her mobility scooter thingy into an underwear stand in a shop. I tutted at her and she was all: WHATTT? She's not that fat anymore and it's ok to laugh now! And I was all, ok HAHA
Sadie: Good to see the spirit of Christian Christmas goodwill and loving is still with us
Jess: Snigger
Me: Sophie: MATT MATTTTTTT MATT MATT MATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT MATT MATTT MATT
Matt: *Coming out of his bedroom where he has been doing homework* What?
Sophie: Watch half ton son with us!!!
Matt: This is really not my thing
Sophie: No! It is great! Look at him!
Matt: No, seriously. This is not my thing. I'm with you on the forensic programmes but this I will leave ... why is she feeding him hamburgers?
Me: Dude. That's nothing. He was sitting on the toilet a minute ago and his belly covered the whole thing, right down to the floor! And then his mum had to wipe his butt!
Matt: *Looking at us* *Leaves the room*
Sadie: Oh God, laughing!
Jess: Oh srsly...............funny.... but I'm gonna have to go with Matt on this one...........*looking at you*
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
mental
David: Alright. I've decided I should probably actually do some decent work. At least for a few days
Rosie: Why are you talking to me then?
David: Well, I can talk to you a bit
Rosie: I just got accused by the doorman/security guy of making up an encounter with some sales guy. It was like being in the twilight zone. Like one of those people that get sectioned when they aren't mental
David: What sort of an encounter?
Rosie: Some sales guy came and chatted to me and told me his company were renting one of the free offices here. Turns out, he was lying. I mentioned it to the doorman and he was all, noones renting the upstairs . . and I never saw this guy . .
David: ok...
Rosie: No one saw him come in so I've been accused of lying. And making the whole thing up. Because apparently I'm mental
David: Haha, tricky situation.. can you prove to him that you're not a delusional mentalist? Probably not
Rosie: DAVID! Apparently saying WHY WOULD I MAKE THIS UP doesn't convince them
David: That is pretty funny
Rosie: OMG
David: That's exactly what a mentalist would say though...
Rosie: I will prob think this is funny by our drinks on Thursday but now? DAVID I AM COMING TO MASH YOU
David: Haha I'd like to see you mash me
Rosie: I'd give it a go. I'm a little on edge now what with - Alan: Rosie, how do you keep such a straight face when you are lying?
David: Did he say that with a totally straight face?
Rosie: Yes ... Why? You think he is winding me up? Because he isn't. I had to walk round the building looking for this guy. And check the CCTV. But they would only let me check half hour. We didn't see the guy so he still thinks I have made it up
David: Oooh see that s just gonna make you look more mental
Rosie: DAVID
David: Looking at CCTV for a guy who isn't there . .
Rosie: OMG
David: .. maybe you should take some time off
Rosie: Am not speaking to you anymore. Am on way. Prepare for a beatdown
David: Bring it
Rosie: I am. Have packed those old phones I was telling you about. All 43 of them. Am going to start by individually throwing each one at your head
David: And you think I'm going to sit there and let you throw all 43 phones at my head? Maybe the first 2 might catch me off guard but then I'd be all over you like a powerful moss
Rosie: They will probably daze you. They are from the 80s. I'd only need one good hit
David: Yeah true could be fatal. They probably weigh about 100k
Rosie: Just slightly smaller than a phone box. And my rage will be carrying them. Actually, "powerful moss" has just cracked me up so I forgive you and have put them away.
David: Nothing quite as hot as an angry woman with huge phones coming at you.
David: Oh ok well thats good
Rosie: YOU ARE SO LUCKY.
Rosie: HAHA. It won't be hot once they start ricocheting off your bonce
David: I dunno..what will you be wearing?
Rosie: Currently, I am all in black. Like a ninja. You won't even see me coming
David: Damn you have got it all planned out. I'm a dead man
Rosie: Nah. I told you. You said powerful moss and I liked you again
David: I'll remember that. Next time Rosie wants to beat you to death, just say something slightly ridiculous and she'll probably calm down
Rosie: I'm easy like that. Am going to make a cup of tea. BRB.
David: Cool
Rosie: Made a tea
David: Quick work
Rosie: I am a tea drinker expert
David: Yeah I'm quite addicted. I'll drink any tea too. Earl Grey, peppermint, Echinachia, Rasberry . . . I'm hardcore
Rosie: Peppermint. For when Earl Grey isn't gay enough
David: What you trying to say?
Rosie: That when peppermint isn't gay enough, you just get some guy to dip his balls in the hot water
David: But always use a tea strainer. Don't want to have to pull anything out of your teeth
Rosie: Thee ol' classy ball hair remover maneuver
David: Yup. I know all the tricks of the genitalia based hot beverage trade
Rosie: Skillz
David: I dont like where this conversation has gone...
Rosie: Our conversations always end up with you coming out
David: You must just have that fag hag vibe about you
Rosie: That still makes you gay
David: And what?
Rosie: And nothing. Elton
David: Haha nice. Liza
Rosie: Ah touchè
Rosie: Why are you talking to me then?
David: Well, I can talk to you a bit
Rosie: I just got accused by the doorman/security guy of making up an encounter with some sales guy. It was like being in the twilight zone. Like one of those people that get sectioned when they aren't mental
David: What sort of an encounter?
Rosie: Some sales guy came and chatted to me and told me his company were renting one of the free offices here. Turns out, he was lying. I mentioned it to the doorman and he was all, noones renting the upstairs . . and I never saw this guy . .
David: ok...
Rosie: No one saw him come in so I've been accused of lying. And making the whole thing up. Because apparently I'm mental
David: Haha, tricky situation.. can you prove to him that you're not a delusional mentalist? Probably not
Rosie: DAVID! Apparently saying WHY WOULD I MAKE THIS UP doesn't convince them
David: That is pretty funny
Rosie: OMG
David: That's exactly what a mentalist would say though...
Rosie: I will prob think this is funny by our drinks on Thursday but now? DAVID I AM COMING TO MASH YOU
David: Haha I'd like to see you mash me
Rosie: I'd give it a go. I'm a little on edge now what with - Alan: Rosie, how do you keep such a straight face when you are lying?
David: Did he say that with a totally straight face?
Rosie: Yes ... Why? You think he is winding me up? Because he isn't. I had to walk round the building looking for this guy. And check the CCTV. But they would only let me check half hour. We didn't see the guy so he still thinks I have made it up
David: Oooh see that s just gonna make you look more mental
Rosie: DAVID
David: Looking at CCTV for a guy who isn't there . .
Rosie: OMG
David: .. maybe you should take some time off
Rosie: Am not speaking to you anymore. Am on way. Prepare for a beatdown
David: Bring it
Rosie: I am. Have packed those old phones I was telling you about. All 43 of them. Am going to start by individually throwing each one at your head
David: And you think I'm going to sit there and let you throw all 43 phones at my head? Maybe the first 2 might catch me off guard but then I'd be all over you like a powerful moss
Rosie: They will probably daze you. They are from the 80s. I'd only need one good hit
David: Yeah true could be fatal. They probably weigh about 100k
Rosie: Just slightly smaller than a phone box. And my rage will be carrying them. Actually, "powerful moss" has just cracked me up so I forgive you and have put them away.
David: Nothing quite as hot as an angry woman with huge phones coming at you.
David: Oh ok well thats good
Rosie: YOU ARE SO LUCKY.
Rosie: HAHA. It won't be hot once they start ricocheting off your bonce
David: I dunno..what will you be wearing?
Rosie: Currently, I am all in black. Like a ninja. You won't even see me coming
David: Damn you have got it all planned out. I'm a dead man
Rosie: Nah. I told you. You said powerful moss and I liked you again
David: I'll remember that. Next time Rosie wants to beat you to death, just say something slightly ridiculous and she'll probably calm down
Rosie: I'm easy like that. Am going to make a cup of tea. BRB.
David: Cool
Rosie: Made a tea
David: Quick work
Rosie: I am a tea drinker expert
David: Yeah I'm quite addicted. I'll drink any tea too. Earl Grey, peppermint, Echinachia, Rasberry . . . I'm hardcore
Rosie: Peppermint. For when Earl Grey isn't gay enough
David: What you trying to say?
Rosie: That when peppermint isn't gay enough, you just get some guy to dip his balls in the hot water
David: But always use a tea strainer. Don't want to have to pull anything out of your teeth
Rosie: Thee ol' classy ball hair remover maneuver
David: Yup. I know all the tricks of the genitalia based hot beverage trade
Rosie: Skillz
David: I dont like where this conversation has gone...
Rosie: Our conversations always end up with you coming out
David: You must just have that fag hag vibe about you
Rosie: That still makes you gay
David: And what?
Rosie: And nothing. Elton
David: Haha nice. Liza
Rosie: Ah touchè
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