addictive

I adore Paul. He is just up there with my favourite people in the whole world.

The one legged rehabilitation specialist who skateboards, motorbikes, climbs mountains, wrassles sharks…

Me: My car was valued at £35
Paul: I have skateboards worth 5 times that!

Paul: How was your Christmas?
Me: Fantastic thanks. Although I turned 27 and just felt so old, what with my neck issues, which are causing back ache. And on New Years Eve I fell over and turned my ankle so hard AND I hadn’t even had a drink yet.
Paul: Well that is because you haven’t sorted your neck out - it affects your balance.
Me: Whatevs, I just felt so old … so I went and got a tattoo.
Paul: LET ME SEE….. Nice. Do you want to see mine? *Whips trousers down*
Me: Good grief!

He has the most awesome tattoos though. Norse Gods and Godessess. I think that after getting a tattoo myself, I like them a lot more. His are amazing. Blew my little rose right out of the water.

8 inch cogs

Today I went to Ruths house for her birthday. Her father-in-law, Chris, is seriously one of the funniest dudes ever.

We were sitting on the sofa and Andy, Ruths husband, was saying to his daughter: ‘there are a lot of things you don’t know about grandpa. Ask him about his time in the army.’

Dot (Andys mum): NO DO NOT ASK HIM ABOUT HIS TIME IN THE ARMY

Apparently, at the end of world war 2, Chris was the reason one of the biggest Nato air strikes was called off. Because he was missing. And was found having relations with a woman. A German woman.

Now, I am not sure how much of this is true but what is true is that when he left the army his mum had remarried and moved house. Without telling him.

Chris was telling us about his bike ride to Clapton. And his 8 inch cock.

Andy: COG. 8 inch COG.

Man I got the giggles.

I haven’t seen Ruth for ages so it was really lovely snuggling with her and catching up. She pulled me into another room for a sneaky look at my tattoo. Her mum walked in. Then her Dad walked in. And out again.

Ruth: This is not such a sneaky look.

In other news there is a spot on my chin that it would be a mockery to call a little friend. He is huge. I am 27, this shit is meant to be OVAH.

easin in gently

This year, our Christmas tree was the one my housemate, Mouse, had kept alive from last year. Yes, it had a few dead bare branches but he is a little survivor and it seemed mean leaving him out in the cold when his purpose was to also be Christmas tree 2011.

I packed away Christmas yesterday. Took down the Christmas cards, Christmas figures, threw out the holly… and repotted the tree back outside. When we bought our tree in I was told to do it in hourly stages so he could acclimatise to the inside. That seemed mental so we bought him, covered him in tinsel and hoped for the best. Putting him back outside I did think, hmm, this MAY send him into shock. Centrally heated house and whatnot. And then I thought nahhhh. And put him outside. Today was the most rainy day I have seen for a while.

A: Just pop down to the Co-op now.
Me: POP DOWN?! Have you looked outside?! I would need a frickin ark!

…. My tree may not make Christmas 2012.

On the upside, I tidied my garden. Me and Mouse, Mouse and I, spent a lot of time in the garden last Spring / Summer. Planted some lovely herbs, grew plants from seeds, seeded the lawn, grew and ate the most delicious tomatoes… unfortunately we live with Cat who is a hoarder. The full extent of what has been happening in our garden during these wintery, weathery months was only apparent when I decided it was definitely time to compost the tomato plants. I am pretty sure they were almost compost anyway…

We have a side passage to our garden. This is where our bins are kept. And, seemingly, Steptoes second yard.

Thing I found:

The massive plastic box of dog biscuits our elderly neighbour gave us as her dog did not like them. Funny that, what with them teaminggg with moths. She sprayed them with insect killer and passed them on to us…. And…. Cat kept them. Apparently she was too embarrassed to through them away in case the neighbour found out. I had no such problem. I then used the empty box to collect and store….
Many, many paint brushes, cans of paint (giving you some idea how big this box of moths biscuits was
At least 5 broken chairs
A bucket of wet sand and a pile of firewood
An old door
2 table tops; 1 marble, 1 plastic
An old picture in a frame with broken glass

I also found a MONSTROSITY. We used to have small green food / garden waste bins, until they were replaced with massive garden waste bins, which are much more useful. Cat has an allotment. When we had the little bin it was used for unwanted food. Mouldy food. Leftovers. Garden waste. Cat said she would take this bin to the allotment and empty it in the compost bin. This was a while ago. Enough time ago for the food in the bin to have liquefied and formed a whole new world. A world of the worst smell imaginable. A world of maggots. Rot. Mould. Once I had finished heaving, I took the bin down the mud track next to our house. Far enough away that I would not smell it on the breeze and fall down dead. I tipped that mother over and ran like the wind, heaving all the way home.

I could not look at Cat for a few hours. I had to go out for some wine.

I used to watch a programme called The Life of Grime. I would come in from the late shift at work, make dinner and that is what was on tv. Nigh on every time I would wonder why I put it on whilst eating. You wonder how these peoples lives, rooms, houses end up like that. I think it just builds. I think they store something in a place and fill it up. Get overwhelmed dealing with it so shut the room instead. It doesn’t help that they choose to go out with people who have similar hoarding habits. I am pretty sure her boyfriend encourages the hoarding. This is the difference between us. Mine encourage whoreing, hers encourages the collection of old pail handles from woods to make ‘tree ornaments.’

I am very aware that I have not written in this blog for ages. Which is a shame because I read some posts about my family and they still make me laugh remembering them. It has been a year and many things have happened. My nephew was born, possibly being the most awesome. But I need to ease back into this with the little things on my mind now. Like how I am going to manage to clear a scrap yard from my garden. Anyone for a game of scrapheap challenge?!

villerettes

Wow. A whole month. Where does the time go.

Half of this month was spent in Cyprus. My friend Heather, she of the gym tyrant fame, was married in Protaris, Cyprus, on the 16 September. It was beautiful. She looked like a princess. She was married in the grounds of a hotel overlooking the ocean. I cried a little because my friend Elizabeth, and Heathers best friend and maid of honour, never cries and you could see her holding the tears back so as not to look like a big girl. Or at least just so she didn’t ruin her makeup anyway. Heather struggled slightly with her vows, giggling slightly through the tears. It was lovely.

The evening was dancing and free cocktails, again overlooking the ocean, just off the beach. Amazing. Heathers dad is a very quiet man but on the night of the wedding there was karaoke, kicked started by a spectacular rendition of Heather and Barry singing ‘Especially for you.’ Brilliant in its absolute awfulness. Her dad said: I am very quiet. I want to sing something.’ ‘Smack your bitch up’ said Heather. Three times, because he didn’t hear her, until I said ‘Heather, please stop saying smack your bitch up to your father.’ Anyway. He was like, I want to sing that Beatles song that goes, duh duh duh .. duh duh .. duh. And, as we all said, WTF? Turns out it was Baby you can drive my car. And boy did he rock it. Kiss took over on stage and then her dad sat down afterwards, quietly, again. We cheesily sang reach for the stars by S Club 7. Heather danced for hours in, I swear, foot high heels. She is a legend.

rented a villa, me, Sarah and Elizabeth (the girls I am moving in with this weekend), Corinne, Alicia, Yvonne and her 4 year old son Finn. The villa was beautiful and had its own pool. The first night we got there, at 1am, we all leapt into the pool. This set the tone for the whole holiday really. Some days we spent chilling at the villa, some we spent chilling at the beach. The evenings we walked down the strip to The Square Bar.

Heather and Barry (her now husband) have been to Cyprus a few times before and have made friends with a bartender called Costas. Costas. What can I say. The face of Cyprus. Everyone knew him. A round of 6 Sambucas, 6 Jaegar Bombs and 6 normal drinks (yeah, it got messy some nights) cost 12 euros. If Costas served you.

One night we went Ayia Napa for a joint stag and hen do. Costas got us into all the clubs free. We went to The Castle, which is apparently the best club in Ayia Napa. At one point some guy pinched one of our girls arses. A few times. Costas told him to stop and he didn’t. Costas told him again. He pushed Costas. Big. Mistake. Costas is built like a rhino and this guy was an ostrich. Cue the biggest headbutt I have ever seen. One security guy restrained the ostrich. 12 restrained Costas. None could restrain him when the ostrich broke free and hit Costas again. We all had to kiss his head better the next night.

One of my favourite days was when Corinne, Yvonne and Finn went for a nap and us four headed out to explore. We found a little beach. We snorkelled amongst the fishes for ages. Then found a little bar. We returned quite pissed 4 hours later.

Unfortunately, on day 2 of the holiday, I had an accident. The pool area was quite slippery. I am Queen of the falling and gracelessness – I can lose my balance standing still. I was all BE CAREFUL BE CARFUL. And I splat. I was holding a camera so didn’t put my hands out to cushion the fall at all and my left knee took a bashing. I was on all fours and had landed with my knees slightly splayed and O. M .G. It is the one time in my life I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. I couldn’t breathe. It was only dignity that made me roll to a sitting position. I have now had a limp for 3 weeks and work keep hassling me to get it looked at and x-rayed. Flipping doctors/osteopaths/physiotherapists/podiatrists that they are. I kinda think that if you can walk on it it is fine. Bit worried about body pumping on it though. It was one of those moments that you just want your mum. And spookily she texted me. I almost cried.
Anyway. The holiday was great. I’ll remember more moments and write about them later. Like Finn getting on stage in The Square Bar and blasting out Kings of Leons ‘your sex is on fire’ word perfectly.

fists up

Sophie has a Flickr account. She put some photos up recently of us lot. Some guy called Diego 'favourited' a picture of my brother. It is great fun to tease Jamie about this, although HE says Diego is not after his butt and more is a very good photographer with an eye for a good photo.

Me: I think Diego has printed that photo and laminated it
Jamie: *Half not listening* What's wrong with laminating? I love laminating things. I laminate everything at the church (where he works).

Explaining why we were all laughing was super fun.

It was Sophuses birthday. By her next birthday she will be a mumma. How odd is that. Can't wait.

I have managed to keep up body pump classes. Even though they are on Friday nights.
Mum: So, tonight... are you going to go body pump and then body hump!??!!!11!
Me: Jesus Christ mother... huh. That sounds good actually.

So I went to G's where he told me he is thinking about becoming Muslim. It made me laugh A LOT when he sat bolt upright in the morning at 10 with FUCK!
Me: O god what?!!
G: I forgot to go pray.
HAHAH. This was possibly a lot more funny at the time.

Baby Megs had her vaccinations.
Ruth: She screamed and screamed.
Me: I am glad that she screams when some stranger stabs her with a needle. Bet she was proper good at it too.
Ruth: Yeah she put her fists up too.
Me: Her mighty aunt is proper proud.

I snuggled her on Sunday and she smiled at me. First smile! Absolutely amazing.

splish splash i was takin a bath

On Sunday I met my pal Liz for a dog walk. She said the magic words (bacon sadwich) and I was there. I was slightly worried because my parents dogs are raving lunatics and the size of ponies. Which is a bad combination. But all was well and Lilly the lab charmed the pants off of them and they were all very well behaved.

Monty is a water dog. Unfortunately he is now an elderly water dog and streams and rivers and lakes that he would joyfully bound in he struggles to get out of. This happened in the muddiest ditchiest deepest under a bridge swamp land. I had to go and rescue him. I was wearing a nice Monsoon summer dress. Filthy. And my face. And my arms. And legs. I was like a spa victim. It is just sheer luck that I did not fall in.

We went for a lovely ramble through the woods and to a gorgeous lake. Liz was like, we just have to wait for the ducklings to swim away and then we can... SPLASH. My heffalump hounds were in. The biggest belly flops you ever did see. Ducklings scattered in all directions on a tidal wave of dirty water. Lilly gracefully slipped in. Those dogs fetched sticks and swam for ages and the whole surrounding area was absolutely ruined. Chewed sticks everywhere, mud and half the lake. That is when we decided to go home. It was rough dirty fun.

When I got home, I had just enough time to shower before Ruth and baby Megs came round. Ruth said Megs was crying because the house smelt like shit and she was right. Boris likes to perfume himself with the stench of death and decay. I locked him in the garden for a bit. I can’t believe Megs is now 7 weeks old. She is too cute and tiny and snuggable. Can’t wait to meet Baby Fabe.

Then Lulu, Ma and Pa came home and we drank champagne.Because Lulu birthdays are 4 day affairs.

Then I went to work today and shared a bottle of champagne from a patient with my boss. He has been waiting for a whole week to drink it and tonight I finally allowed it to be opened. Too exciting. This morning he was raving about someone who wrote something annoying to him. He was like, why are you not annoyed about this? Why does this not totally work you up? And I was all, a lot of caring is used up on myself, innit. And that is true. I am really not bothered about people outside my sphere of family and friends. I mean seriously, have you seen the spots on my chin?

the land of the scots and heather

Well. It has been a very busy few days.
On Thursday night it was birthday drinks for Lulu who was almost 18. As dad says, old enough to buy us all a pint. Which is the most important thing. There was family, pizza and beer. Although the pizza didnt stick around for long because Boris is a ninja.

On Friday Lulu was taken to Scotland. Our aunts were born in Scotland and apparently Lulu bombarded them with messages such as: I need a wee. How do you say toilet in Scottish? (To which my aunt was replying, I am going to mash you). I decided to leave work early and walk the dogs. Obviously it was the day that I forgot my door key so I had to trek to my brothers work and home again and by that point I may as well have just finished work at the regular time. I walked the dogs with G because he was all, I would love to walk a dog, and I was all...dude. That is easily arranged. He loved holding Monty.

On Saturday my friend Heather took me to the gym. I have told her that I need to lose weight for her wedding in Cyprus in September and she has made it her mission to gym buddy me. She is one scary mother though and I thought she was going to kill me. I had my induction (when I joined a previous gym I asked for an ugly woman to show me round. Obv Hevs picks the hottest man. Him – So why are you joining the gym. Me – Oh. For entirely glamorous reasons..).

After the induction Heather was like, so, what shall we do now? And I was all, sit by the pool and have a chat? So. That was the wrong answer. Ok. 10 minutes on the cross trainer. Just whilst we are here. And I prefer it if you didn’t hold on. Puff puff. Ok. Just 10 minutes on the treadmill. Oh. Piece of piss! I can walk for England. Appaz not on an incline of MOUNTAIN going at a slow jog. Just 10 minutes was the longest 10 minutes of my life. Then we went on the power plate. I was all, yay, this one is the celebrity one that you just stand on and it does the work for you. Not in Heather land. In Heather land you hold a sit up on it, and a squat, and you feel the burn like nothing before. Although I was kept amused by some guy who was just lying on it. I tell you something though. Make sure you have gone to the toilet in all departments before you get on because everything gets shaken loose. As it were. *Ahem*

Luckily my treat was then going for a swim. Which I totally heart. I love swimming. Especially in a beautiful clean empty outdoor heated pool. And then in the jacuzzi. Then the steam room. And then a guilty squeeze of all spots that were steamed loose.

After the gym, we went to the gym cafe. I joked I was going to order a bottle of red and some cheesecake – which was randomly on the menu – but after a stern look from Heather I ordered the jacket potato.

Then my pallios came over for a drink and some pasta in the evening. Living at home makes it easy to host last minute glamorous alfresco dinner parties as my mother has hundreds of cute bowels and plates and outdoor furniture and lamps and candles.

Slept like the dead. Muscles woke me up in the morning. Every single one of them.

i love steps

I had a fantastic day yesterday. My friend G has decided to give up beer, fags and being a lazy uncultured bum and has decided to visit galleries around London. Yesterday he invited me to come to the National Gallery with him. I am the first to admit that I am pretty geographically clueless. I can only map parts of London in my mind once I have worked there for a while or been a few times. G tells me The National Gallery is at Embankment. We travel to Embankment.

Me - I am pretty sure no galleries are on this side of the river in this area.
Him - Eh, I dunno. Lets cross then.
Me - Ok..
*Walking along the Hungerford Bridge, we come to the map/skyline of London*
Me - Crap. The gallery is on that side.
G - O mannn. What do we do?
Me - I dunno. Carry on and walk along South Bank instead? Or go find the Gallery?
G - I don't mind.
Me - Ok, lets not be a pair of losers who can't find a famous gallery.
*We cross back over the bridge in the 30 degree heat and start heading towards The Tower of London*
G - Must be down here somewhere
Me - I just don't remember a gallery being on this side of the river in this area.
*20 minutes later*
Me - Another map over here lets just... oh mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
G - So lets head back the way we came shall we?
Me - Srsly. We are a total pair of losers. I'm embarrassed.
*Back to the Hungerford Bridge but right at the top instead of left*

Have you ever turned right at the top of that bridge?? There is a whole other town up there! Market stalls and whatnot. By this point though I would have stabbed a man for a glass of water. We found a little newsagent and I downed my water. Delicious. Best water ever. And FINALLY we found signs to the gallery. Which was just where I remember it being, down from Leicester Square tube. If only I'd remembered that. Especially since me, so, Matt and Lol were there on St Georges Day.

I loved that G thought the place was so amazing. He had never been before and could not quite get his head round the fact that he was 3 foot from Van Goghs Sunflowers.
"But, like, I can TOUCH that! What is it DOING here? Is this for real? Do you know how famous this picture is?? How old? How come it is here? This must be one of the best galleries in the world."

It was great taking someone so enthusiastic although he did 'wain' "get it? I am hay WAINING! Waning! Need to get out of here" after an hour. Although so had I at that point.
He loved the Constables and Turners whilst I am more Monet and Van Gogh.
When we left, we walked past the Portrait Gallery and popped in to look at the BP portrait exhibition.
G - That's a photo!
Me - No, all are paintings.
G - But this one is a photo.
Me - Nope. Brilliant isn't it?
G - THIS one is a photo. Must be.
Me - ALL of them are paintings.
G - But THIS one ..
Me - Srsly. I will kill you.

By this point we had clearly had enough culture and needed to lie flat on some grass with a sandwich. We had a slight debate about where to get a sandwich - I voted Costa or Starbucks but he was all pooh pooh American chains so we went to a Subway style sandwich shop. In HIS face though because I ordered a vege baguette and he ordered a meatball baguette and the server was a twit so he also ended up with a vege sub. Haha.
I have been very stressed recently. There were work moments that made my hands start curling into fists, I moved and my gma is very ill. So to lie in the sun on the grass was just a moment of gorgeous. I rested my head on G's stomach and he stroked my hair and we discussed the most important issues in life - if you could live anywhere but London, where would it be? Pigeons - friend or foe? Is that mark on my shirt your dribble or dressing from my sandwich?

Then we bought an ice cream and shambled over the Hungerford Bridge (for the 3rd time). It was BOILING and I'd kinda had enough of The Hungerford Bridge but it was beautiful out so I said, instead, I LOVE STEPS I DO. Which made G laugh for up to and including 4 minutes. By this time I needed another bottle of water. Hydration is very important. So we wandered along South Bank to the end where the little beach is. For some reason there was a small group of tiny flags on it with photographers. So we sat in the sun and watched that for a bit. I had another bottle of water. As G said, gosh, you like water don't you. It was really flippin hot. Then we walked back and over the bridge and walked to St James' Park. I was kinda bursting for a wee at that point but it was really too hot to look for a toilet.
We spreadeagled on the grass here, with one eye open for pelicans. Those bastards will eat anything.

Then we walked all the way round the lake and back to where we started because G wanted to know what the Horse Guard place was. Basically it was a slight tunnel thing with one poor guard standing in full dress and to attention whilst tourists hung off him for photos. As we both said, poor bastard.

Then we walked to Covent Garden.
G - Do you KNOW how to walk to Covent Garden.
Me - I know roughly where Covent Garden is and am more hinging this on that we can't miss it.

Luckily we found it; more specifically we found a pub. I went straight to the toilet. By this time I had drunk about 4 bottles of water. Deep joy. Then I washed all my makeup off because it was totally melted anyway and just covered all bare skin with sun cream. G says that there is no need for sun lotion in England but he is Italian and a twit.

So we had a nice beer in the sun and by that time it was 6pm and we both decided to head back to North London to a pub garden where we could actually sit down. It had pretty much got to the point where I had enough of standing and walking. To sit down in the pub garden finally was bliss.

Then we got some chips and walked home. Perfect end to the perfect day.

romancinnnnn

Backstory: David is back in the dating game. Him trying out some chat up lines:

Get in the van
Don't scream
Should I bother flirting or shall I just get out the Rohypnol now?

etc. They amused me A LOT but I'm sick.

David: Afternoon Bounciepoo

Me: Keep calling me that and I will mash you

David: I'd just enjoy that..

Me: Pervert

David: Shut up and get in the van

Me: You WISH you had a van

David: I don't NEED a van

Me: I really don't think throwing someone over the back of your bike is going to work....

David: I got a potato sack and a bloody big shopping basket. Shut up and get on the bike

Me: Dude. I really don't want to see you on CrimeWatch tomorrow - man on pushbike tries to kidnap woman...

David: True.. just invite me over then. Less paperwork.

Me: ROMANTIC


Jess: I have so laughed at David!!!! David who IS David, I love him already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I call him Dave. Suits him more. He hates it. He says it makes him sound like an idiot. I'm all *.....*

Jess: So is he Dave? or Roderick? I laughed out loud again and showed Ally your Dave conversation!!!

Me: Was really making me laugh too. Which is unfortunate in a public place... laughing at rape... ho hum.

Jess: Dave's come from Dagenham.........it's a given........me and Ally know this for fact...Dave is Dagenham Dave, a bit like comedy Deeve is from oop north.

Me: "All Daves are from Dagenham. FACT."
HAHA. He is Enfield Tahnnnnnnnn mate.
Also, he is really into Arnold Swartzenegger (whatever spellchecker). Like, really. Amusingly really. We went to Forbidden Planet on Friday (OH DEARSSS) and he casuallyyyyy leant on the counter and was all, er... mate... do you have any... er... TERMINATOR stuff? And the guy was all, dude, no. And Dave was all, lets leave now. But he said it to empty air because I was disassociating.

Jess: SRSLY.... I'm pissing myself!!!

Me: He is also amusingly ... slow? literal? Like, we were in Spitalfields and he picked up Jeff Buckleys album and I said, oh, does it have Alexandra Burke singing Hallelujah on it? And he was all ER NO DUH I DON'T THINK SO. And I'm all, shut up Dave

Jess: How did you meet Dave from Dagenham?

Me: Dave is more Matt's mate I think... well. We used to all work in the library together and his evening was with Matt (mine was with Fiontan) and if you weren't paired with someone on an evening you didn't really see them as most non-casual staff did Saturdays elsewhere.
ANYWAY. I used to chat to him a bit though. He fancied Sophie. He cracked Matt up.
I think he used to text Matt a bit but they never met up. Then I was online one day and David started chatting to me. Then I think he texted Matt and was all, I've broken up with my gf lets all go out drinking. And I chatted to him online more. We went out drinking.. and he's become a mate.
I was like, MATT. DAVE IS REALLY AMUSING. And Matt was all DUH! Don't you remember me telling you he read books on tanks at the counter?? And I was all NOW I UNDERSTAND. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH.

Jess: SRSLY...I LOVE HIM and I don't know him.....

Me: Some people are so amusing. He walks like Terminator too. As in, straight across a road. I'm all *cover eyes.*
And when we got off at my station (he came back to mine for a cuppa) and he marched off. I was all WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO MINE BEFORE. COME BACK. Like, he was HERDING ME the wrong way.
Then, we sat in the lounge drinking tea. And he was all, what a nice view. I'm really digging this room. Loving the pictures, the sofas are cool, all those c.d's are amazing.. BUT. What SKIP did you drag that tv out of??

OH AND. TALKINGGGG OF HERDING:
When me Sophie and Sadie went to Brent Cross, Sophie and Sadie kept wandering in the wrong direction. Sophie had a go at me because she was all GOD IT IS LIKE A ROUTE MARCH just because I was like LEFT. But if I hadn't of said it, those 2 have ended up in Early Learning.
ANYWAY. We were on the A10 shopping thing and whilst Matt was in JJB's we headed to Homebase. A straight line of shops. Homebase big and green at the end.... so why Sophie and Lulu headed into Comet I DON'T KNOW.
And Lulu was all, gosh, we would have worked it out eventually.
And I'm all EVENTUALLY??? Why do you need time to work out that this shop is BLATANTLY not HOMEBASE???

Jess: SNIGGER!!! man I'm srsly loving this dude!!
And, Dude I'm so with you on the wandering malarkey, Sadie does it ALL the time.... but she lives in her own little world, like Sophie, so we're used to it!!! Funny tho...... Sophie, Lulu and Sadie are a disaster waiting to happen......oh no, hang on too fu**ing late!!!
Am still laughing out loud at Dave leaning on the counter and going, mate, have you any terminator stuff.. classic!!!

Me: If Sophie starts driving. And we go somewhere. And she drives. I'm going to be scared to fall asleep incase we end up in Scotland.
How's Ally's driving??!! Booked any road trips???
Him leaning on the counter and trying to be nonchalant about it all .. HAHAHAHAHA.

Jess: She hasn't actually driven yet but that is because her car has been out of action.... hey dude she's drving us to Grandmas on April 26th! But she's gonna have to drink to put up with mad June and ken, and of course you, and mark, and lulu, and Lucy... Also, Ro, I can't get past the counter thing...I'm still enjoying and laughing...just shared with Ally.

Me: HAHA! I hid behind some Twilight merchandise.
She's going to drive down? Ar that's wicked! Good to see her! Why is her car out of action? Did she run someone over? She really shouldn't. That dents up cars more than you'd think.
I'm loving my gma and pa so no rudeness about them! Fingers crossed that I have a job by then.

Jess: FUNNY!!! Her car is just not recognising the key entry code.... what thef**kever! She wants to run someone over badly tho....(secretly, she says, that's why she hasn't got in the car yet).

Me: Key entry code? Goodness. Fancy. When my car won't let me in (e.g. I've locked the keys inside) I just pull down the corner of the door.
Running people over is tempting but damaging to a small vehicle like mine. Also, I don't want to drive around with a gaffer taped up bonnet again.

Jess: Oh man funny!!!

Steve leaves

Chris is leaving my old place of work. Since he has been known as Steve there for 3 years now, I assume it is to get his identity back.

Steve: Dear all,

Just a quick reminder about this Thursday. For those of you who were away last week, we postponed the dinner to Thursday 19th March, so hopefully everyone can now make it along.

The vague plan is to meet in a pub at 6pm, then I will book a table somewhere for 7pm. Please let me know whether this works with everyone. If so, I will send clearer plans on the day.

I have already got confirmation from Hollie, Martina, Sam, Florian, Charlotte and myself, so am still waiting for a final word from Mike, Shamima and Fanny.

Hopefully see you all on Thursday.
Regards,

CS

Me: RUDE. Don't I count?

Steve: Apologies Rosie! But to quote Jagdish, "you worthless monkey!"
Count yourself officially counted. See you on Thursday.

Sam: I guess we all took it for granted you would be there - like Chris. Else what's the point?

Me: Thanks Sam! I tell you, it is lucky I know such great people otherwise I might have chucked myself under the Piccadilly Line by now... actually, that is a lie. I find it really bugging when people do that.

Sam: Too true, please choose another line when the time comes. Look forward to seeing you. Sam

Cycle of Life

My friend Chris spent about 3 months cycling across Africa, with his friends, for charity. On Wednesday night I went to the RGS to listen to his friend, and organiser of the trip, Barty describe what just sounds like the most incredible journey.

I met up with M and Hollie and we managed to bag seats near the front of what quickly became a packed out auditorium. I am so happy that loads of people turned up because I think that what he did was amazing.

Barty stood on stage and said that he didn't know so many people were going to have shown up. He cleared his throat a few times. Rustled his papers. I guess speaking in front of hundreds instead of the family members and friends that you were just expecting is pretty daunting.

I was worried that I would fall asleep. There is just something about lecture halls that makes me feel sleepy. But. This was not the case. Barty captured peoples attention immediately with photos and his whole talk was peppered with anecdotes and humour and yet the importance of the trip was foremost in his speech. The idea was to draw attention to the poverty in Africa, as well as to the conservationist side.

Their journey took them through Zimbabwe where the currency was something like 5000 to a pound. When they left, 9 days later, it was something like a million. This was smack in the middle of the election period and the drama surrounding Mugabe and his treatment of his opposition. They also set up camp one night, to the total consternation of a native who told them, no, this area is "too animally."

Things that made me laugh:

Pictures of Chris with his wild man of Borneo hair
Chris's brother joining them on the trip and them posing for a photo doing the most excited faces
One of the guys accidentally running over a snake
Chris being really anal regarding timing and numbers
Barty buying flour instead of meal. They have a photo of when they all found out, after 8 hours cycling. Too funny.
When Mark Beaumont joined the group for the last leg of the journey and all the photos of the team cycling along with him holding hands or touching his butt.

I can't imagine doing something like that and then coming back to a 9-5 job. I also know that I probably would have had a tough time dealing with the sights that they saw so am glad I did the best I could to help by donating. They raised £60,000 and I am so proud of Chris.

To learn

To Donate

and it's all, coming back, to me, nowwwwwwwwww

This weekend the clocks went back and we gained an hour. This morning, it does not feel like this is the case.

Friday night I was trudging home in the rain when my friend Ruth texted me. She said she would bring round dinner and wine. This perked me up considerably. Matt and Sophie had gone out and me and Ruth sat in the lounge eating pizza, garlic bread and Ben and Jerrys. We also drunk quite a bit of red wine and sung Celine Dion songs. Well, I sung a Celine song to her and she thought it was hilarious and keeps sending me text messages with random lines from the song on. Here it is. You can imagine how confusing it was to receive some of the lines (if I touch you like thatttttt) at 1 in the morning.

"It's All Coming Back To Me Now"
Celine Dion

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back

There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper

There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And if we, , ,

ANYWAY. So. I sang that to her and then we watched SuperBad. Ruth fell asleep on the sofa. I let her nap and she woke up at the end of the film feeling quite refreshed.
Then there was the usual palaver of ordering a cab and telling them where we lived. For some reason we are not on any maps and if you Google us our postcode just points you to a spot in the middle of a road.

On Saturday Ruth came over again to pick up her car. She normally spends the weekend with her boyfriend but they had had one of their numerous rows so me, her and Sophie went into Enfield instead. Ruth is no longer a student and in the money a bit now, just at the time when me and Sophie pay rent and bills and whatnot. Ruth was buying jumpers and boots and we were buying butter, milk and a giant bag of pasta.

On Saturday evening me, So and Matt went over to mum and dads. They had emptied out the shed and put chairs, heaters and candles in there so we could sit outside but in warmth and shelter whilst dad bbqed. He kept saying, I cannot believe we are sitting out here instead of in the million pound house. It was pretty funny, especially since there was a slight storm raging outside making all the candles flicker and dance. I have to say though, it was the warmest bbq we have ever had and I had to take a jumper off. A jumper. I was wearing leggings, jeans, boots, thermal socks, a vest, a t shirt, a jumper and a fleece. Lovely jubbly.

Loads of things made me laugh. Lulu said to dad: 'If you can put your whole hand over your face, it means you are more likely to get cancer.' Dad put his hand over his face. Lulu punched him on the nose. Dad: 'oh my God. What was that? You nearly broke my nose.' Apparently it is some school thing. It made dad mutter about his nose for ages.

On Sunday it rained and rained and rained. For about 10 minutes it stopped and me and Sophie legged it to Tesco for dinner ingredients. When we came back we needed a nap. Even though we'd only been awake about 2 hours. I woke up around 5pm. Unbelievable. Made myself get out of bed. Turned the heating up because it was freezing, closed all the blinds and turned all the lights and lamps on to make the lounge cosier. Sophie and Matt cooked dinner and we watched the X Factor and Strictly. Matt says me and Sophie are really harsh critics, worse than the judges. In the main because we generally like the hot swimmer as opposed to whoever dances/sings better.

Am now at work. And it is Monday. Enough said. Except that this is a bloody big mouse.

black marks

To: Andy

Dude,

I just met the Lady for lunch (me - sandwich, her - the neck of a Texan). She wants to know if there are going to be drinks on Friday as she 'misses the Guns.' I told her to email and/or text you but she gave me a Scary Look and so I am doing it (not many people see the Scary Look and live to tell the tale/do not turn to stone). So. Are there? I am giving you advance notice.

Also. It has taken me 32 minutes to write this as people keep distracting me with work related matters. I don't know why. It is
vair vair irritating.

Rosie

P.s. What is the gossip?


From: Andy

Dude.

We have been working out extra hard at the Gun Squad to try and fill the void of not having Lady M and the gossip queen around these days. We are hoping that "feeling the burrrrnnnn" will make up for our feelings of emptiness.

There may be one or two around Friday, but not everyone will be there, as the Italian stallion has gone back to mama to recuperate for a week, Ben has left and Mark is off sick/holiday at moment (although he normally resurfaces by Friday).

It might be better if we organise something for next Friday if you ladies (using term v. loosely) are free?

Also are you and Lady M going to Ben's drinks on Saturday. I believe he said you were coming. If so, Essex's answer to Morecambe and Wise can meet you somewhere?

Andy

P.s. I don't know if there is any gossip at Monkey LTD because I don't actually bother to talk to anyone here anymore as that would require some kind of effort on my part.


To: Andy

OOOOOOOH!!! She is just a LADY and I am a Queen????? Oh BLEARRRRRSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

I am also 'feeling the burn' although it is the burn of work. It is tres sad. Also. I had a fight with the doorman/receptionist whatever his title is here and now he is withholding our post. I said, er, don't you even KNOW I am friends with a Gun Squad? He laughed. I said, I am also friends with a Slovakian. And I got my post back. But APPARENTLY I have 2 black marks against my name in the system now!!!! You are probably sitting there, scratching your little head and saying, what system? And why 2 black marks? Firstly, I do not know what system. I assume the system of a madman. Secondly, the first mark was because he didn't understand something I told him 4 times. The second mark is because I said: I do not give a shit you silly cockmonkey. As you can see, I borrowed Mark's 'How to make friends and influence people' book. I think it is going well.

Bummer to no drinks this Friday. No to drinks the following Friday because that Friday is HALLOWEEN and I shouldn't have to say anymore. Other than, bat wings, bat ears, Bat out of Hell t-shirt.

I am not sure about Ben's leaving drinks. M is definitely not coming as she is in Canterbury or somesuch. I am not sure because . . . eh. It's you lot.

Rosie
Worthless Monkey
Can do work of up to and including 5 year old children

P.S. Very rude to use the term 'ladies' loosely what with me being a God fearing Christian and all over good citizen


From: Andy

Thank you. I have now added the term cockmonkey to my extensive vocabulary.

I forgot it was Halloween. I don't think I want to imagine trick or treating "M styley" as it probably involves thumb screws.

If you get suicidal/deranged Saturday don't forget you can turn up for an audience with "ghosts of WM LTD" (Ben-past) (Mark-present) (myself-(oh christ I'm depressed) future).

Failing that we can sort out another Friday soon for a "friends of WM LTD" reunion

Andy

P.s WHATEVER

9% proof beer? can you even beeelieve?

Goodness. I cannot believe how quickly the weekend goes. Mainly, in a blur of alcohol.

On Friday night I stayed at my friend Sophie's house in Hertford. She has the same name as my sister. Confusing. I used to call her 'other Sophie' but she got a bit offended. Plans were carried out like a military operation:

Me: What is the plan tomorrow then? Did you get my message about only being able to stay over on Friday because I am busy on Saturday night???

S: Yep got it, sorry thought I mailed you back . . . That I HATED YOU!!! And then changed my mind and told you actually . . . I couldn't live without you and your sexatronic curves. What time can you finish work tomorrow? sx

Me: OH marvellous! I am so glad. I was so worried. I can't afford to lose friends. I mean, as it is it is only you and the crazy lady upstairs. And she isn't really a friend. More like someone who keeps locking the bin cupboard so I cannot put my rubbish in there. Hm. What time do you finish tomorrow and can pick me up?

S: She sounds like a better friend than me, dude . . . You ain't using my bin cupboard! (Do we actually mean a bin cupboard or are we being rude???) May be able to get away at 3pm? But then will have to get over to you. x

Me: I'l be home and ready at 6.30. OK? Also. OMG. When did bin cupboard become euphemism?

S: Ok I will drive like a bat out of hell, I'll be there when the morning comes. Or, like, 6.30 like we organised! x

Me: So, like you normally drive then!!!! Looking forward!!!! What alcohol shall I bring? I have eaten SO MANY wotsits

S: I ate a MINGING and Yes I mean bloody Minging Chicken and pasta thing - I feel soooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick!

Me: Gross. Anyway. How about I just text you when I leave work? It takes mean hour to get home so you can leave yours accordingly. What shall I bring? What alcohol do you like drinking? Or are we just going out? Let me know. Love, xxx

S: My head hurts soooo much!!! My brother had his leaving do last night as he is flying to Hong Kong this AM (To live there for the rest of his life!!!) Sounds good to pick you up later. Can you remind me of the location again. The Maze . . . Something . . . Somewhere! Will have to AA routeplan it. OHHHHHHHHHHHHH my head hurts and I've just eaten a chicken burger for breakfast in an attempt to make myself feel better. Hungover people should not be allowed to eat fatty, disgusting food! Wasn't sure what you fancied doing tonight, maybe a couple of drinkies out and about and a takeaway!?

Me: Dude. Animal. Gross to chicken burger for breakfast! Will send you directions to mine. Also. Fact: I have now eaten too much rocky road

S: Next Fact: I have started on the ROAST BEEF Monster Munch. Verdict: Its all going very downhill from here . . . Could poss be starting on the Redbull any, and I mean ANY, minute!

Me: Want pickled onion Monster Munch now.

S: Have you seen the Old - New packs . . . Loving them! And guess what else I just bought?

Me: A Wispa?

S: WHOA! Good guess lady!! Spot on!

Me: HAHA! People at my sisters company are going a bit mad for them apparently. Sophie said Matt bought about 7 yesterday and so did her boss. Funny because I don't remember them being this exciting first time round . . .

S. They are delish. Just eaten a jacket pot, with chilli and cheese. Now trying to sit at my desk and arrange myself so that I look as if I'm working but I'm actually asleep x

Me: Sent you directions. Laughing at you arranging yourself. Best to have head in hands and look like you are reading something on the table. Always good to actually have something on the table as otherwise it gives le game away.

S: Just route planned your ass! Did you realise that we only live 36 mins away from each other. . . Why don't we see each other more???

Me: Because you smell

S: Good point.

There was beer drinking (9% beer!!!!!!!!), Thai food and wine. Sadly we are old ladies these days and couldn't keep our eyes open much later than midnight. On Saturday, Sophie went to work at the butt crack of dawn for an hour. She works in a large plant nursery and had to oversee a delivery. She got dressed in a beautiful nursery branded fleece.
Me: Wow. That's trendy. Can I have one of those?
S: Er. I'll try and get you one. . .
Me: Would you? I'd love that.
S: Oh. Okkk *looks at my face* ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS???
Me: DUH
S: *Talking to her dog, Bo* Aunty Rosie is very mean isn't she? I thought she would like a nice dog walking fleece and instead I find out she is being horrible.
Me: SSSSH I am trying to sleep. Go to work already. Go check for your greenfly and whatnot.

When she got home we went for lunch in Cafe Rouge. We sat outside in the most glorious weather. But it took AGES to be served. No one came to even take our drinks order:
Me: OMG I am 99% parched over here
S: In a minute I am going to go inside, tip the flowers out of their vases and drink the water to make my point
Me: HAH. I am going to go inside and just start drinking from the tap
S: I am going to go inside and make my own. I'll be all, RIGHT, WHERE IS THE MILK?
Me: HAHA Yeah!

But we got served eventually and the waitress was very stressed as machines were breaking and people were shouting at her. Our lunch was delicious. Some kind of prawn in tomato sauce dish with french bread to dip. Also some garlic coated bread stick things and some fries. Atkins took one look at it all and died. Again.

Sophie drove me home around 4. Bo met Clyde. I was very impressed that even though Clyde puffed himself up to the size of a small dog and made growling noises, he didn't run away. He eventually got nose to nose with Bo and gave her a good old sniff. Then carried on growling. Bo is the nicest dog ever, and that is including Boris and Monty who I love but who are complete poo heads. Sophie has just spent about 4 thousand pounds on Bo because she inhaled a grass seed into her lungs. Luckily Sophie had her insured otherwise it would have been another 4.

Sophie: I mean, I wouldn't even consider putting her down when it is something as stupid as a grass seed but . . seriously . . 4 grand!!! Eurgh. It was my house deposit. My rainy day money . . . and this month has been a fucking thunderstorm. (She also had to replace the brakes on her car and pay her housemates rent) (She also had to dislodge her housemates poo from the toilet because it was so big it wouldn't flush and her housemate had walked off without noticing. It was the grossest story ever and she had to tell me over the phone before she drove over because it had affected her so much she couldn't wait half an hour) ("I used oven cleaner and everything!!!!").

On Saturday night I went out for dinner with Ruth. We went to a nice Indian restaurant near my house. Again with the SLOW service although this time had nothing to do with broken machines etc and more to do with lazy staff or something. We were shown to our seats and sat there for 20 minutes at least before Ruth nearly killed someone for a glass of wine. Then it was another half hour before we were asked if we were ready to order. It was nicely busy in there but still each waiter only had 2 tables each. We ordered 2 onion bahjis ( I can't spell that and spell check is asking me if I meant banjos) and instead of 2 bhajis they gave us 2 portions. They must have taken one look at us and thought, fat bitches probably do mean 2 portions. Bastards. Although we did eat them all.

Then she came back to ours for a cuppa and to watch X-Factor which Sophie and Matt had recorded. I don't know when we became such losers but this is not the only lame thing we record but TOTALLY enjoy (Rock of Love, Strictly Come Dancing . . .). We had a good old time dissing everyone. Sophie said we were very very pissed. This is entirely possible. And, in fact, true.

Sunday morning, none of us woke up until 12. I can honestly say I have not done this since I was about 15. Sophie woke me up. Apparently I slept talked to her for a bit about rabbits until I finally came to. She made me a delicious coffee out of some really sweet mugs she basically stole from a charity shop. Stealing from a charity shop. My God. What is next ay? In our house, a delicious bacon sandwich made by Matt and then a nice sunshiney jaunt to Asda to buy a mop since Sophie broke the last one. Don't even ASK what she was doing to it. She's changed man.

Even though we only went to Asda for a mop and some milk, we somehow managed to spend £50. This was partly due to a vair vair delicious dinner Sophie cooked which was about 79% garlic. She was obviously worried about vampires. I would give her dinner 9/10. She is missing a point because she forgot to put lemon on it and that is unforgivable.

Sophie and Matt spent the weekend painting their room white instead of the glowing purple that it was. You didn't even need lights in there it was so florescent. Also, I say Sophie painted it, but she isn't the one with tons of paint still in her hair. I also tidied my room this weekend. It is a very satisfying feeling knowing all your cupboards are junk free and organised and your clothes in colour order isn't it? Yes.

Tin-Tin

Our Facebook wall-to-wall:

Me: Yo wassup dirty

F: Just stressing with revision - there is soooooooooooooooooooo much to learn! Argh!! Hope you are well. Nice to see you in another realm of the internet. xx

Me: Stalking you boy. What with the new hairdresser supply shop, Palmers Green is officially trendy. Bring on the summer switches!

Me: Hey hey you you I don't like your girlfriend

F: That's not very nice

Me: I have been napping and now I am almost ready for bed. This working malarkey really plays havoc with ones social life. But I am being all Mrs Robinson with Toby's mates now. Pretty much entirely accidentally as I didn't really want them all catching me in my pajamas last night. Especially since they are stripy bottoms and an Oxfam t-shirt that says 'will have sex for beer' as opposed to a slinky slip.

F: Sounds like you are playing the game juuuuuuuust right. Esp. with teenage boys!!

Me: I saw Aerosmith at Hyde Park on Sunday. Tin, I had an epiphany that day, standing in the rain. I realised I am not rock n roll. I like to observe dirt from a distance. Like my sofa. Or bed.

F: Why does that not suprise me.
I can't stand the rain... against my window...doo doo doo... Bringing back sweet memories...

Me: That's where me and ol' Tina disagree. I would have 100% preferred it against my window as opposed to on my bonce.

Me: Hey dude. Had a lovely night last night! Good seeing you. x

F: Good seeing you too. It had been tooooo long. Hope work is going well...now get back to it! Kidding! xxxx

Me: Mmmmmmm I'm sure you are meant to be doing something too - how IS the packing going?

F: Chut up! I am currently half naked with a towel loosely draped around my body. Getting into Ozzy mode. xxx

Me: "They call me bitch. At least thats what my clients say"

F: What is that from?

Me: You! It was attached to a picture message of you in a towel

F: I clearly would not be a very good celeb - I blab and blab and blab and I don't remember what I said!!!

Me: Such a Paris Hilton wannabe!!! Happy travels today dude. I hope you have your flight socks, eye mask etc etc and your sunglasses at the airport 'cos the papparazi are gonna be all over you with that new haircut thinking Beckham's in town

F: I am sooooooo not David Beckham!!

Me: How are you online already??? When are you leaving for Oz?? And what's wrong with being David Beckham? I would totally be up in your grill if you were.

F: I am here and it is noice, unusual, and surprisingly European. x

Me: I am glad you made it safe and sound and arrived looking stylishly chic, a la Posh Spice etc. V jealous of you meeting Kath n Kim and Kylie.

F: Yeah... and I'm meeting Ms.MacPherson tomorrow, then talking with Natalie Imbruglia about her forthcoming singles collection.

Me: You star seeker you xx

F: I hope you are working!

Me: Always working. It. When are you free to meet your pal for lunch?

F: Are you around on Saturday brunch/lunch-time? Because I might actually be able to find my way down to Palmers Green!
xxx

Me: I am thinking I am free to meet you on Saturday! I will ask Sophus and the Hawk also! You can text on Saturday if you are around.

F: I shall text early Friday to confirm out soiree... xxxxxx

Me: Hey you always on the run/ gotta slow it down baby/ gotta have some fu-unnnnnnnn. So...when arrrrrrrre you in P Green next?

F: Well I iz going down deeper and down on Monday night for Daddys birthday and then probably come down at the end of this week. How are things with you?! xxx

Me: Good. I bought Footloose and Flashdance for Lulu. Watched Footloose last night. As good as I remembered. I wonder if SJP and Kevin are still pals. If you around for a coffee let us know innit

F: Shall do. Glad you enjoyed Footloose - I am sure SJP and Kevin are still friends. They'll have so much to talk about - fashion, dance, being child stars... ...a bit like us

Me: Tin! I read Rupes diary. I think there are some startling parallels indeed with our lives in P Green and the library. I would go so far as to say he has stolen some moments from our lives. Especially the bit about that time in the library basement with the stripe-ed animals and dancing boys.

F: Glad you enjoyed. I thought that there would be parallels ...anything that is titled 'red carpets and other banana skins' is BOUND to refer to our lives in someway. Hope to see you sooooooooon xxx

Me: It was good. It pretty much summed up the library experience. Y'know, Madonna, sex, arguments.... Sure I'll see you next time you are in the P Green area. I will know when you are in town because they raise a sparkly flag on the triangle.

F: Oh so that is what that is for! I thought it was just to ward off the chavs (suppose it's one and the same). I am currrently alone in Paris just like Carrie in Sex and the City - just waiting for Mr. Big to come.....
.....still waiting.....
Have you started your new job yet - if so I hope it is going well! xx

Me: Well. I do not know much French but! I can teach you a song about a blackbird losing its feather. This is sure to win over le menfolk (it is totally true that if you put 'le' in front of a word it makes it French). I start my new job on Monday. My sequinned hotpants are pressed and ready. I chose those because they always make an impression.

F: I am sure they do! Hope it all goes well! I have found if I just use lyrics that involve French that usually works soooo:
je ne sais pourqai
voulez vous
voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir...
What more could you need!

Me: Oooooooooooo er

F: Hey how is the jobby going? I had a dream the other night that I was meeting you for a natter...must be time for one soooooon! Eurgh trying to do essay but is SOOOOOO sloooooooooooooooow!

Me: It's going really well! I'm happy. Stop dreaming of me. Pervert. But I am totally up for a natter. In P Green or London baby? When are you next in Peagreen? Poor you doing essays. I do not miss that. Though I seem to be writing a few for Lola. It's like a competition in our house who can get her the best grade (me). I always find a glass of red wine helps. And a monocle. xx

F: Glad everything is going good. Sorry to be pervert but it has been long. It'll probably happen in PG Tips, as I should be coming home once the Easter hols begins, which is in about a week! I have almost finished my essay - I was up till 3am, and now just adding the icing - it might make it difficult for the teacher to read but I reckon it will make allllll the difference. I think you will probably get Lulu the best grade this way also... x

Me: You know what I do for Lulus homework? You know that scene in Legally Blonde where she sprays her CV with perfume and the guy goes: "smells good?" Well...kinda like that except I'm just gonna sleep with her teachers. C'mon A*!!! Tell me when you're around and we'll hook up. Maybe go to that place that we went to that one time to have the thing and maybe the other thing. Cool. Ok. Later alligator. x

F: Okey dokey. Can't wait! Would you prefer to Palmers Green it or work it?

Me: I'm thinking Palmers. Mainly because it is bloody trendy and 'the inn place to be'

F: Tell me about it! It is such a nightmare getting into any restaurant around there! Soooo poular! PG Tips is a good idea for me. Will let you know soon! x

Me: I think it is the addition of the hair switch shop y'know. Classy.

F: Do you wanna do dinner this week some time ....? xx

Me: Hey poodle. Yes to dinner!! What night is good for you le gay Paris? I will also check with Shawkie.

F: ER I am sooo annoying - still not sure yet but I might have to be sometime next week. I will probably be at home all that week because my mum is going away to Ireland and my sister will be alone. Sorry to be a pain! Also let me know when is best for you / what days you cannot do. xxx

Me: Jeez and I had totally read Heat magazine so we had stuff to chat about too!!! Ok next week it is! Luckily I am free and easy. xxx

F: Oh no! Well, you should be doing that every week anyway. I will text you late to sort it out! xxxxxx

Me: Your new profile picture really shows off those library developed muscles. Charlies Angels c'mon!

F: Just imagine my arms before I started work in the library!

Me: I am always imagining your arms. When is the next super hot ex casual staff hook up love up then? Should start planning it now really since it is so hard to schedule in what with all the switch appointments and hair dye sessions.

F: When my exams on Madonna, elegant interior design and false nail application are finished. SO that will be in the 3rd week of June or soooo. I see you have had a very flash holiday! How was it? I hope you strutted...

Me: The holiday was a-mayzing. Went up into the Carpathian mountains but couldn't find a hot vampire to bite my neck. See you in the next life (June) then kitty kat.

Me: Looking at your "Which member of Girls Aloud are you?" results. Sarah Harding? FIXXXX. In other news... work has given me one of those pass holders you wear around your neck. It is tres snazzy and I have seriously just spent half an hour posing and taking photos on my phone.

F: It might be a bit of a fix but sometimes you have to help nature along. A bit like the IVF/turkey baster treatment. I wish I was somewhere where I could wear pass holders around my neck. I think I might just go around with my fake Britney backstage pass holder. Glad you are still posing. Work it babyyyy. WORK IT.

Me: Check it out. Working it. Rocking it.

F: That photos is tooooooo much! The weather is getting me hot and sweaty as it is!

Me: ALL OVER IT BABY

F: Hey stranger. How are things? Any gossip? xx

Me: Yo boyfriendddd. No gossip. What is up with you? How's life not as a student? xxx

F: Frightening and liberating. I am distracting myself with a trip to NY to be Sarah Jessica Parker's assistant. Have you got a cat for your flat and welcome mat...?!

Me: Does SJP know?? Also, I hear rumours she couldn't cope with the mole jokes any longer and got hers removed. CONTROVERSIAL. Niiiiiiiiice rhyme dude. Smooth as.

F: SJP will know very very soon. And she will be thankful! I am a poet and she will be impressed. Have you caught any men in your net recently...?

Me: Lucky Sarah (she said I could call her that). Re: my net, Jeremy Clarkson's people asked me to release him as APPARENTLY it is illegal to keep people as sex slaves against their will. Who knew.

F: It is so tough these days. But I am sure ol' Jer loved it! I suppose you will now have to find some kind of willing accomplise... mmm...

Me: The willing ones are never as fun

F: Methinks you are speaking from experience!

Me: HA. So when are you free for a love up catch up sexy pants? And I know they are because I stalkered your photos. xxx Also, I was in Essex on Saturday and I looked at this guy and now I think I might be pregnant. WIll you teach my baby the ways of Madonna? Thanks.

F: I don't know if you can call them sexy ...more rank. As for being pregnant - it seems to be all the rage at the mo so congratulations and yes I suppose I will have to help to educate your child in the Church of Madonna. A love up sounds rather tempting. I am working full time at the mo so maybe the weekend would be best...? When is good for you?

Me: I am thinking, re: names - Tallulah Fallulah Monday Bell. And, y'know, that is suitable for a boy OR a girl so I'm sorted.
Working full time ay? I bet that is a shock to the system. Working really cuts into grooming time I feel. Well, let us know what weekend you are free and I will put the kettle on and/or open the wine.

F: It is a shock! But I am still groomed and g.l.a.m.o.r.o.u.s.! We could meet up for a tea chat this weekend perhaps...although I may have to sort my sister first as she comes back from Holiday on Friday... x

Me: ALWAYS the bridesmaid

F: What does"always the bridesmaid" mean? Is Sophie getting married?!

Me: 'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride' - as in, we are coming second again in your weekend plans. I mean, not that we mind as we have important stuff to do. Napping and the like.

F: It is a rare occassion that you come second - I just have a sister that needs guidance. I am like Oprah...or Trisha... you are timeless to meeee. I shall let you know on Friday what we can get up up and then down down toooo x

F: P'haps Sunday? Tea? Gossip? Cake?

Me: Ok pokey artichokey. Will inform the brethan then get back to you

Me: FIONTANNNNNN! Around on Sunday for a brew? ARE YOU? Let me know AS SOON AS POSSIBLE so I can rearrange my schedule accordingly.

F: No I am not I am afraid as I am in New York! So you can keep your schedule nice and neat

Me: How very glamorous! Hope you are Minelli-ing it up! x

Me: I love Simon Amstell. I wish he was my boyfriend. What are you up to?

F: On the streets looking for Simon

Me: REALLY? You are such a good pal!

Me: Did you find him then? I waited up all night in my negligee. Negligee and fake penis.

F: He was already taken . . .

Me: Bum

to me, to you

Mum and Dad and Lulu came over for dinner last night. Sophie cooked Nigella's ham in coke recipe and it was delicious. As Lulu said: "This fake meat is my favourite kind." And then, as we all said, what?

There was also a delicious salad. Again, Lulu had something to say: "Don't waste your calories on salad."

She also told me that my fringe was stupid and made me look like a member of Westlife. This is because I am constantly running my fingers through my hair and eventually my fringe separates into the vair vair attractive boyband curtain style. Actually, thinking about it. I don't know why we allow her over. All she does is insult us and steal our jewellery.

After everyone forgot Lulu had said that, Sophie said: "OMG RONANNNN IS THAT YOUUUUUUU???????" It took me a while to realise what she was talking about. Me: "He was in Boyzone you idiot."

Matt lit all the candles in the lounge. It looked lovely. Except he had not put water and oil in the oil burner so I picked up the little detachable terracotta burner part and I swear to God it was hotter than the sun. AND the only reason I thought it would be ok to pick it up was because I had seen Sophie doing THE EXACT SAME THING. I picked it up between thumb and forefinger. Dropped it onto my wrist. Tried to hold it there but FLESH! BURNING! Somehow managed to drop it onto chest. Gave up. Dropped it onto the floor. Managed not to smash it. Have blister on wrist and thumb that I hold Sophie accountable for.

Today Matt is painting Sophie's bedroom. I told him not to paint over the door frame and not be able to get out. Although I think that only happens when you are wallpapering. And are a Chuckle Brother. He said he wouldn't although you can not count out things like that happening to Matt. Evidenced by the £60 BT call plan somehow we have, even though we do not make any calls.

On Tuesday night I went bowling with M and a girl called Hollie I used to work with. It was good clean fun. Well, until Hollie said M looked very professional handling the bowling balls.

Me: M has very good ball skills

I played absolutely terribly. As I said, it is because my bowling arm is still very very stiff and bruised from falling over a bench.

Me and M shared just ONE bottle of wine. Was at Holborn station by 10pm. Piccadilly line suspended between Kings Cross and Cockfosters. Me - :(

On the platform there is a packed-out tube. Me to the platform man - Hi, could you tell me what is going on please? Him - THERE IS A BODY UNDER THE TRAIN AT WOOD GREEN. DEAD. HOW MANY TIMES CAN I SAY IT. STOP SHOUTING AT ME.
Me - What? Shouting? I wasn't. I just asked what was happening.
Him - THEY ARE DEAD.
Me - Right. Well. That is very tragic but please could you tell me how to get home?
Him - Oh. OK. Go outside the station and get the 91 bus to Kings Cross then the train to bla and then the bus to blah.
Me - Thank you. That is very helpful.
Him - Thats fine. I'm sorry I shouted at you. It's just I have told the people waiting on this tube for half an hour that it isn't going to move for at least an hour and they keep asking me when it is going to move. .
Me - Oh dear.
Him - I KEEP telling them to just get off the Piccaddilly Line and they aren't listening! I mean, look at them. RAMMED ON.

Anyway. Was not so so terrible journey home. I mean, 2 hours instead of 40 minutes but whatever. The tube, then bus, then train, then bus obviously had some effect though because I totally missed my stop this morning. Was just staring out the window reading the stops and whatnot when noticed as the doors closed we were pulling away from mine. All I could muster was a lame: "Oh darn."


R: Who is the lady at reception? Has A left?
Me: No, he is just on holiday for a couple of days. She is his replacement. He told me her name was Zak. I was like, Zak? He said: "Well some kind of Indian name."
R: Heh God. She bellowed: "Good morning" to me very determinedly at me as I came in.
Me: Probably wondering who this suspicious looking character is entering the building
R: Thanks.


Ah, nice:

To: Erik
From: Rosie


Incase you were struggling with content:

Following the problems in the financial sector in the US , uncertainty has now hit Japan . In the last 7 days the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today’s shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cuts, the Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but hey remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Hope all 'good' there and you boys are behaving,

Rosie


From: Erik

I never struggle with content - writing bullshit comes naturally to me...

Hope you're well and enjoying working outside of the monkey group of companies!!! Miss your smile around here...

Erik


From: Rosie

Laughed at "writing bullshit." Funny. Bullshit is a major skill at Monkey Ltd!!!

Hope all is good with you. Hope your children are ok.

I am very well thanks. Moved out of my parents and so now going from one end of the tube line to the other in the morning for work. Sometimes I have a nap and come into work with creases on my face. Bringing the glamour!!!
Love my job. No one has made me go into the mens toilets to get a member of staff to the phone, I am not haggling the price of 99p binbags, searching for Brum dvd's and then getting screamed at for not having time for CR work. It is all pretty weird!

I do miss you all though. People outside of ML are not the same. They're ... normal. You were all such a funny bunch, loved kitchen chats with you.

I still see M. She works near me and meeting for lunch in the pub with her is very dangerous . . .

R


To: Rosie

Glad to hear you're keeping well and enjoying work. You must be so pleased to have ML as a distint memeory (maybe part nightmare?), but life throws all sorts of shit in our path to deal with.

I'm very well, kids driving me insane but that's nothing new. I'm stoical at work, Planet Monkey needs desperate people like me to function, so I have no illusions of what is expected, so in a way I'm happy. One has to question my sanity on that point, though...

Loved the vision of you asleep on the tube (creases ... know the feeling!)

Take care and keep in touch.

Erik


To: Erik

Trying to forget about ML but sometimes the training slips into my everyday life. Like, instead of buying paper towels for the kitchen I just went to the cleaners cupboard and stole a box of them. Also, I was very shocked to learn that petty cash here is just spent on doughnuts. Jam AND custard.

Erik, it is better to think of yourself as the backbone there. And glad to hear your children are ok. They are totally meant to drive you insane.

Ha. I think your vision of me sleeping is possibly a lot nicer than reality. Open mouth, drool etc.

Will definitely stay in touch, you guys are pretty awesome. And one day, I might reconsider and come back. HAHA.

Rosie


To: Rosie

You can check out of Hotel Monkey but you can neverrrrrr leeeeeeave... Think about that when you joke above coming back. Scary thought!!!

Erik

love

From: Mike
To: Rosie, Ale, Andy, M, Lorenzo

Hope everyone is well – it’s been ages!

I just wanted to send an email to invite you for some drinks on Friday at The Castle in Holland Park to help me celebrate my birthday.

Feel free to drop by for a couple on your way out/home. You’ll see from the map (below) that it is very close to the tube.
(If rain is forecast I may switch the venue).

Feel free to invite mates etc if you wish!

Hope to see you soon, either next week or another time!

Mike


From: Ale

Darn it!. Mate I’m taking a flight to Barcelona that afternoon so not going to be able to go. Let’s do drinks before at some point, Rosie has missed me for too long now ;)


From: Me

I can't deny it.
Also, Sam emailed me. Says he is having his leaving drinks on the same Friday ...


From: Andy

Hey Mike,

I will definately be there to celebrate!!

As Rosie said, Sam is having his leaving drinks that night, so I don't know if you want to combine the two? If not I'll pop into the pub for one to say goodbye to Sam and then make my inebriated way to the Castle!!


From: Mike

Good news mate! Yeah I saw that email from Sam too and, as much as I'd like to go and wish him well, I guess I better be at the Castle!! That said, if he ends up getting smashed, bring him down too!!


From: Rosie

So I will be going from here to Holborn then here again and back past Hoborn to get home? That does not totally sound awesome. But I will do it. And that is a testament to my love for you Mike. Or to drinking. Whichever.


From: Mike

I love you too, Rosie


His birthday -


From: Mike
To: Rosie
Subject: Thanks for the birthday text Ro!

Hope you're all good. I'm not going to go to Sam's leaving drinks on Friday as I guess I should be around incase any of my friends turn up at the Castle....

Laters Ro-Ro


From: Rosie
To: Mike
Subject: That's alright Mike!

'allo.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MON PETIT CHOUX FLEUR!

It is vair vair sad to be at work on your birthday. I hope someone has made you a birthday cake to make up for it.

Am looking forward to Friday drinks! Will head down to say goodbye to Sam (I kinda owe him that. What with checking my CV, being my reference and writing my resignation letter and making me feel better by saying mean things about Dr PooChunks) (although he does drink a HIDEOUS cup of tea) and then I will head to yours with the Gun Squad and Lady M. All your regular mates are meeting you in the pub I guess? I mean, us peeps aren't your only pals, riiiiight? Although, don't deny that we are the most awesome.

In other news. I had Friday and Monday off and it was good. Now I am back at work and am very nippy noodles. I am sitting here wondering . . how cold do I have to be before my chest explodes? (I was going to say another part of my anatomy then but am not sure who reads your work email) (although I guess those brackets cancel out my caution).

I am now going to make a cup of tea.

Ro
Tea Maker Extraordinaire


From: Mike
To: Rosie

Hi Ro

I've loved reading your email this morning. I am not too sad to be at work on my birthday - I'm having an excellent birthday week so all is good. Very much looking forward to Friday.
I'm really sad I can't make Sam's drinks. I shall drop him an email to let him know and wish him well. He has been really great to us all and you're right, we owe him that! I can't believe you were so generous to call his hideous brew "tea".

Not sure about any other friends. None of them have got back in touch with me yet so it may be just me, you, M, Guns and Lotts. Nevertheless, that would be fun! So, as such, this DOES make you my most awesome friends.

Pleased you had a good weekend, did you go away or stay domestic? Loved your chat about your chest exploding. Highly amusing birthday conversation.

Ton petit choux fleur
x


From: Rosie
To: Mike

Ha. You are one of about 5 people who think I am amusing. And one of those 5 is my cat. And I think he is just pretending to smile because he wants me to feed him.

I am very glad to hear you are having a tres fantastic birthday week! That is more than the baby Jesus and he turned water into wine. Which made for a very cheap party. Just had to pay for the sausage rolls and fairy cakes.

If none of your friends have replied and you end up alone in Holland Park like the twiglet bowl at a party, come to Holborn. Don't sit there on your own waiting for us. Drinks going flat, balloons drooping etc.

Sam still drinks (open irony quotes) "tea" (close irony quotes) but it is low down on the scale. See, there are CLASSES of tea. There is your regular old tea. Then there is a builder tea. There is also an 'NHS' tea. And then there is a 'milkshake.' Sams tea falls between the NHS and milkshake. If I drank his tea there is a 82% probability that I would fall down, hit my head and die. That is math. Also, I explained this to someone I work with here and he said: "Have you been smoking crack?" And it makes me think that some people do not take tea drinking as seriously as they should.

I took Friday off because my parents went to Budapest and I had to look after the dogs, my little sister, make sure my brother didn't burn the house down and to stop any wild parties. So, to check these things off - I walked the dogs every day DESPITE the fact that my park is full of trees (little known fact about parks) which had hundreds and millions of caterpillars swinging gaily from. Now here is some very important information about me. I FREAK if something lands in my hair. Just the thought has made me spaz out a touch. I do not know why. It is probably something to do with a story I read where someone had a bat caught in their hair and it clung on and the only way they could get it out was to kill it. Or it could be the time when I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled out the biggest beetle you have ever seen and the grossness was so bad I died. True story. So anyway. I looked after the dogs.

The sister. She has started college and is doing an art course so we went to the Tate Modern on Friday where she kept saying what the abstract work looked like to her . . . well. I won't repeat some of it but for one piece *I* saw an elephant trunk and ears because I have an innocent mind. On Saturday we went to the Thames Festival and met up with Lady M who went to the Slovakia stall to be amongst her people. Then on Sunday we did some shopping and then went to the cinema where the only film in our time zone was Mama Mia. Which was actually really good. I mean, come on. Pierce Brosnan singing ABBA was some funny stuff man.

The brother. Even though I have 2, one I can trust not to burn the house down and whatnot. The other has a history of starting fires and, even though firemen turning up is hot, it is also embarrassing.

It has been so long since I started writing this because I got interrupted by people asking about lame things like work so I am going to reread your email and see if I addressed everything . . . ok. I think so. This is actually longer than some essays I have written. Work avoidance? Much?

You know, I think the literal translation of ton petit choux fleur is something like 'your small cabbages flower' which sounds really kind of saucy. Or creepy. Kinda Lolita-ish.

Laters, conserves au vinaigre x


From: Mike
To: Rosie

I rarely laugh until I cry. I have done that twice today, and one was due to your email!
Mike


From: Rosie
To: Mike

Were you laughing at the caterpillars in my hair? Because that was traumatic. But don't worry. One fell into my bra and suffocated.

iz funny

ye, I gets it. I iz a 'basket case,' iz just not vair funneh

Corinne stayed over. Haven't seen her for AGES and I forgot how funny she is. We were lying in bed laughing about something when she farted.

Cor: Stop making me laugh. You KNOW it makes me fart.

Me: Oh. Right. Blame me. HA. Do you remember that time you farted on Chris and he went nuts at you?

Cor: Which time?

Me: You mean, there was more than once?

Cor: Well the thing is, Chris farts on me ALL THE TIME so once I decided to get my own back. But unfortunately the fart I did was not as unrepulsive as his. In fact, it was disgusting. It absolutely stank. Like, steps away from diarrhea without actually following through.

Me: OH MY GOD. That is DISGUSTING.

Cor: What was more unfortunate was that I did it on his head.

Me: .......................

Cor: HAHA. God. It was bad. And the other time was when we were at T and C's house and I was leaning on Chris and farted and he went NUTS. I was trying to lie because, y'know, it's C and she doesn't like stuff like that. But he kept yelling: "OH MY GOD YOU FARTED ON ME AND DON'T LIE BECAUSE I FELT THE VIBRATIONS." And I had to keep denying it. When I confessed to T that I felt embarrassed in front of C he said not to worry. That nothing amuses C more than rolling on top of him, farting and rolling away laughing.

Me: HAHAHA. That is GROSS. You guys are GROSS.

Cor: WHATEVER. I remember the first time I farted in front of Shaun. It was at my 21st birthday party and we were sitting on the sofa. Which he felt vibrate. And he looked at me all askance and was all, did you just fart!!!?????? And then he mentioned it in the pub in front of Charlie and Charlie HATES women who fart and he was all, you don't fart do you Corinne? And I was all, noooooo. And Shaun and Chris's heads nearly fell off.

Me: HAHAHAHAHH.

he totally does though

Me: Clyde. Do you love me?

Me, as Clyde: Yes

Matt: You are really really sad.


From: Matt
To: Rosie

Hello Rosie,

If you pass HMV can you please get me the new issue of Metal Hammer? The new issue has a cover made of steel, so should be easy to find.

Cheers


From: Rosie
To: Matt

Ok. What is it? A compilation or something?


From: Matt
To: Rosie

I don't even know if you are joking but it is a magazine. This link will show what the cover looks like to help you on your quest.


Lianne came over last night. She bought her own cider, straws and ice with her. She is a dedicated drinker. She reminded me of this time at uni when we went to a house party and got really drunk and I flashed everyone. "And you were wearing a BIG WHITE BRA." I am glad I don't remember this.


As I left this morning I noticed Clyde amassing slugs on the doorstep. Luckily I am going out this evening so Sophie and Matt can face hallway slug slaughter scene 2.

cat fan club

Jess: I'm tired today.....Izzy was hungry and kept waking me up til eventually at 1am I fed her.... Then I couldn't sleep, but neither could she. She was even awake when I left at 6am. Bloody isn't now though.

Me: ARR! Cute! She has fallen asleep on her nose!
Matt cooked a delicious dinner last night. Anchovy stuffed lamb with rosemary and potato. Boy is pretty nifty in the kitchen.

Jess: I know! Love that photo! Blimey!! Posh grub!!!! I'm in awe!!!

Sophie: It looked like restaurant food. It was all neat and there were sprigs of thyme garnishing. My food is usually stuff that you bung in a bowl - pasta, curry, casserole...

Jess: I've NEVER cooked anything posh, I'm well impressed... I could eat that now...stupid croissant.... Picnic in Regents Park tomorrow for Ally's birthday!!! Slight-ly worried about weather prospects.

Sophie: Well, if the weather is poo you'll just have to have a picnic in a pub.

Me: Lovely to picnic tomorrow. Hopefully the weather is lovely otherwise I second Sophie's suggestion of pub picnic. Matts dinner was well impressive. Yum. Meat. He can cook dead beast really well.
I just got a text from M saying: "I can meet you for lunch today if you like. Unless it is raining in which case I am not leaving the office." So. That's nice.
Sweet to Izzy. How does she tell you she is hungry? Does she try and rip your arm off? Or is that JUST OUR CAT? Seriously. He is a fat pig. Matt fed him at 7. I gave him chicken at 9 and at 5 he was telling me he was going to pass out from the hunger. I was all, well. You should conserve some energy and lay down then shouldn't you? BUT he DID NOT. What is worse is that if you go to the toilet in the night, say 3am, he gets all excited that he is going to be fed. And he has biscuits down. I don't think any cat eats those biscuits. Clyde just flicks them across the floor like the most annoying game of tiddlywinks ever.

ALLO, IS IT FUD TIME YET? NOW? NOW? NOW?



Sadie: Laughing! Cant blame Clyde for lovin' his food considering his role models!

Jess: Bloody laughed out loud at M!!!! And cat story!!! And dead beast cookery!

Me: I love my relationship with M. I love that we both say stuff like that that you might not say to someone else for fear of offending them. I told her I was on a diet and SHE said:

Rosie. Some people are just meant to be fat.
Me: Right. Thanks. But . . I still think I could lose a couple of stone
M: If *I* lost a couple of stone I would be dead
Me: Well. Thanks for that.

But it means when she tells you you look nice, she is telling the truth. Not trying to make you feel better. We were looking at some photos and there is one of me and this guy we used to work with. The photos has been taken from the most horrible angle and my stomach is huge in it.

M: ARRRR this is a LOVELY photo!
Me: Er, no, look at my stomach!
M: Well yeah but what can you do about that? You still look nice.
Me: On the one end, your a poo head for not saying I don't know WHAT you are talking about. On the other, thanks.
M: Did you just call me a poo head?

Jess: Laughing!!!!!!!!! She is funny!!!

Sadie: Ha. Laughing! Also, Jess, Ally and I dont stand a snowflakes chance in hell of having a dry picnic tomorrow. I want toast now.

Jess: Laughing!!! EX-AC-TL-EEEE!!! I have a ground sheet. It's an old shower curtain, but it would make ground dry. Forecast is sun and showers, and we'll have brollys and coats!! It will be funny. I really want to get some pretty bits to brighten the picnic up.

Sadie: Thats a good idea. It'll be dry enough. We can always eat and then, if the hail gets too much to take, move to a pub later.

Jess: Absolutely!!! How can we make it silly looking?

Sophie: You lot being there should be enough.

Jess: RUUUUUUUUUUDE!

Me: Laughing. That definitely sounds like an English picnic. What are pretty bits re: a picnic? Because all I'm thinking is me or fairycakes.

Jess: Laughing!!!! Yes Ro, def you would qualify!!!

Sophie: Lulu finds out which college she is going to by midday. With Lolly you just have to hope that one day her levels of crazy will be called 'creative genius' and she can make some kind of money from it. Although I have a feeling she will always be just completely nuts. I wish I was doing something arty like her.

Sadie: YOU wish you were doing something arty??! I spent all yesterday trying to come up with a process to open up 2,493 csv files, extract specific bits of data from each file, load the data into excel, reformat it, copy other specific bits of data, and dump it into another application with a date attached. Apparently this has to be done by end of next week because someone somewhere has messed up. Hmmmphhh. I wish I was a sculptor.

Me: *Sigh* None of us seem to be doing what we want. I want to go be The Stig on Top Gear.

Jess: Oh oh funny dude!!!!! I could see you as a bad ass driver on top gear. And you are arty! All of you!!! Not sure about Rosie.

Me: RUDENESS! I got a FIRST in photography at uni. Shame it was only a module. And a C in Art. Which was good because I never did anything in art. Our table was riotous. Example -

Mr George: That is IT! If I hear another word from anyone they are DISQUALIFIED from this exam.
*2 seconds later*
Sarah: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M BLINDDDDD IM BLINDDDDDDD I GOT GUTTER IN MY EYEEE OH MY GODDD I'M.. oh. Wait. I'm ok. Phew.
*Talking resumes*

Jess: OH LAUGHING!!!!!!!! FUNNY!!!

Me: It was pretty much mayhem after that happened. She made me laugh so much I was nearly sick. I still drink with Sarah and do impressions of it. Also -

*Nicki walks in*

Mr G: NICKI!!!! Where have you been???? This is your GCSE art exam!
N: Is it? Well. Noone told me.
Mr G: WHAT?
N: Oh well. Someone pass me some paints.
Mr G: N, I think you are going to have to stay behind to make up the time.
N: OH I DON'T THINK SO SUNSHINE
Mr G: I am NOT your SUNSHINE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. God. HAHAHAHAH. All day me and Jenna were all:
Can you get me a bag of crisps sunshine?
I am not your sunshiiiiiine!

Jess: Hilarious!!!!!

Me: Oh. My. God. Hot engineer air conditioner fixer guy just came over to talk to S (obviously given up on talking to me) and I am not wearing any makeup! Shouldn't say that really though as I once had an argument with someone I used to work with. She was one of the many assistants, only about 21 and never wore makeup. Once she said to me that she doesn't know why women wear it and bla bla feminism bla bla I am only wearing it to impress MEN bla bla. Me: I do not wear makeup because I feel I have to wear makeup. I don't think I am a total dog without it. I just believe in putting your best foot forward. I know my skin looks better with foundation. And I know my eyes look better with liner and mascara. I impress the men by dipping like a bobcat and bending like a pretzel. Her:" . . . ." Later that day someone on her team said something like omg that was amazing she has not shut up lecturing us about dressing etc for the MAN and bla bla and this is the first time she has not said anything.

I think this is why I couldn't go back to school etc. There comes a point in your life where you don't need to justify what music you like or anything else about who you are. Which leads to a conversation I just had with S where I told him Top Gear is my dream job because I could drive cars and be with Jeremy Clarkson. S: "Have you been smoking crack?"

Sadie: Nothing wrong with dressing for a man. That's how you get sex. What's the issue?

Me: I thought undressing for a man was how you got sex?

Sadie: Fair point, well made.

Me: S is also wandering around in his socks because, as mentioned before, it helps him think better. He says to me: "I should be lucky he has still got his pants on." Oh. Right. Well when you put it like that. He just called me from across the office to tell me that my concerns regarding the milk situation are "ungrounded" as we are now down to the last 2 pints. This is because I had a go at him for telling me we need more milk because we had none left when there was already 3 pints in the fridge and the 2 I bought were going to go out of date before they could be drunk. He admits to being a little panicked about not having his daily lattes. He also said I was 'sick' as I answered the phone to him with: 'Good morning, Meatloaf fanclub.' Anywayyyy, HOME TIME!!!