you can wash the outside...

I came home from a nice evening out to find Matt leaning out my bedroom window. I was all, gosh. What is HE doing. That is nowhere NEAR the underwear drawer. But then I came in the front door and found Sophie hiding in the kitchen because apparently there was a RAT trapped in my bedroom.
David and Matt got to do a bit of manly bonding and worked together to get the rat out. Of COURSE my fluffy dressing gown had to be used.
This was a traumatic experience for mainly the rat and Sophie though as I didn't see the rat once and by the time I'd made a cup of tea, it had gone.

THEN my friend Ruth came over for dinner. Matt went to bed. Me and Ruth and Sophie stayed up drinking and, at 1am, I made my merry way to my room.
Me: Clyde!
Me: Clyde.. You've MALTED everywhere. You've malted black FEATHERS everywhere.... oh noooooes.
Me: MATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Matt removed the dead bird buried in my bed but I did not sleep comfortably that night. The next day started a whole week cleaning of the house including skirting boards, picture rails and cleaning windows.

We fondly remember the days it was just worms he bought in. And I do not even want to HEAR that those animals were gifts.

trouserless

Things that you say at 5am:


Woken up by Clyde leaping onto dresser:
Mmmmmmok well, you can play with my makeup but try not to tangle my necklaces

Clyde drinking out your water glass:
Try not to spill that on my phone

Clyde snuggling/sticking his head in your face:
Cute. Lets do this another time though cos this is too early. K?

Clyde biting your hands:
ow. this really hurts. please stop

Clyde scratching the fake wood:
Dude, that's not realllll. Go do it somewhere else.

Things that you say at 7.30am:


Clyde leaping onto the dresser:
OMG GET DOWN YOU IDIOT WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION!!?????

Clyde drinking out your water glass:
DUDE!!! OMG!!!! I DRINK THAT!!! HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING IT TOO???? GROSS!!!

Clyde snuggling/sticking his head in your face:
This doesn't happen when it's a convenient time. E.g. Not fuck o'clock

Clyde biting your hands:
OW THAT HURTS JESUS CHRIST CAT

Clyde scratching the fake wood:
No, srsly, that ain't real wood. Stop it before it looks worse than it does... are you even listening to me?

Jess: Oh god I love this email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keeping it!

Sadie: Laughing big time! I'm beginning to be grateful I dont have a cat!

Sophie: Last night -
*THUMPPPPPPPP CRASH*
Matt: Erm… Clyde?
Matt: Clyde!
Matt: CLYDE!
Clyde: …. *looking*
Matt: Clyde, are Clyde’s allowed up there?
Clyde: *Looking*
Clyde: *Still just generally looking*
Matt: It’s ok buddy I’ll get you down
Matt: (Whispering) It’s ok, I won’t tell Sophie what your arse has just done to her glasses
Me: OH MY GOD YOU FAT EFFING CAT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY YOU AREN’T ALLOWED UP THERE YOU GINORMOUS BL**DY LUMP
Matt: Poor Clyde, I think you have upset him
Clyde *Still just looking*
Me: POOR CLYDE?! RANTRANTRANT

Jess: Srsly fu88ing funnyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! Love it!!!


Me: You know, it's funny when it happens to you. And your stuff.

Jess: Snigger

Me: When I got home last night, Sophie and Matt were lounging on their bed. I went in and had a chat. Went out and bumped into Clyde outside. Picked him up and went back in their room and was all: Look Clyde, all your family together! I put him on the bed. He LEAPED off and shot out the door. Matt: "Well. Huh. That was pretty insulting."

Sophie: Yes, this was 10 mins after the whole sitting on my glasses situation. He had just endured a bit of an earful.
I had a big fat headache last night and came home after an hour and a half driving lesson. Was going to put some washing on and think about dinner but I just took my trousers off and went to bed. Then Clyde came in and sat on me. That Matt came home and was like, what is going on? And then he sat on the bed watching telly. Then Rosie came home and was all, what is going on? And I just wanted to be in bed trouserless and in peace and dark.

Me: *All in bedroom*
Sophie: I would just like you both to know that I'm trouserless.
Me: Eh, you're always naked
Matt: *doesn't even acknowledge*

Jess: Oh laughing still!!

Sadie: FD! All your nightly conversations just excellent!

Matts baby

Comments on my Facebook 'Clyde' albums' newest photo addition:



Lisa: As soon as I saw this album had been updated I got all excited that it'd be Clyde in the snow!!!!! He's giving you the evil eye though... I bet you ran away sharpish when he was let loose after having his picture taken!!!!

Me: HAHA!! Lisa, it was far too blimmin cold for me to go and lark about in the snow taking pictures. I don't think Clyde was even out there for too long, he likes visiting the crazy house next door. He was soaking the whole house though every time he dashed in and out.

Annette: I don't think the weight control biscuits are working.

Lisa: You haven't put poor Clyde on a diet?????

Me: HAHA! Matt bought ONE box of weight control biscuits to 2 normal. PLUS, moments after this photo, Matt fed Clyde an extra meal because he 'felt sorry for him getting wet playing in the snow.' He should be careful, Clyde probably weighs about the same as him. "Poor Clyde." MOST amusing

Sophie: Look how big his foot is. Not to mention his evil eyes.

Annette: Don't say such horrible things about my baby boy!

Matt: Harsh!

Sophie: Just now...
*THUMP CRASH*
Matt: Clyde
Matt: CLYDE!
Clyde: ....
Matt: Clyde, are Clyde's allowed up there? Get Down
Clyde: ....
Matt: It's ok, I'll gently lift you down.
Clyde:...

madness

7:05 - Clyde clambers up on my bed and onto the headrest (preparing to leap into the dresser) Me: *Mumble* nooo Clyde. Drags him down

7:06 - Clyde looks at me. I try and snuggle back down for the last few pre getting up precious minutes

7:07 - Clyde puts his paw on my head in the 2nd attempt to get on the dresser. Me: mmmphhhhffff Clydeee noooo and God your foot is wetttttt blahhhhhhhhhh *pushes him to the floor*

7:07 - Clyde attempts a quick leap up onto dresser from floor position. Clyde and mini jewellery box come tumbling down. Me: *pillow over head* arghhhhhhh

7:08 - Clyde slinks up onto the bed, trying to act unsuspicious and nochalant. He bites my shoulder REALLY HARD. Me: mmmmmmmmpfhhhhhhh *pushes him to floor again*

7:09 - Clyde leaps up onto bed and pretends to snuggle. All the while his body is edging nearer and nearer to the dresser edge. Me: I'm not stupid. *Pushes him to floor*

This went on until 7:21 when Matt got out the shower and went to feed him. It was like Groundhog Day but even more annoying and I hate that film.

sleepin all over the world

Sleepin on mamas old duffle coat. Dats pretty cuwte.

Sleepin on mamas clean washing. That is VERY VERY ANNOYING.

I like big butts and I can not lie

Jes: Oh man…Monday…and Saturday to look forward to. Not.

Sophie: Nooooooooooooooo(nonononononononononono)

Jess: FD.... though I do feel that pain.

Sophie: Where is Sadie then?

Jess: I dunno!! Any idea?

Sophie: Chillaxing at home?

Me: Funny! That is what I think too. I am eating porridge. Taking it slowly.

Jess: She may be on a course I suppose? Now I want to know.... I'll text her.

Sophie: Company brekkie being delivered in a mo. Good thing about that is the crate of yummy seasonal fruit from I believe the only English greengrocers left in London. I like to make myself a platter to last the week

Me: Wish we had fresh fruit delivered here. Instead we get doughnuts. Loads and loads of doughnuts and custard creams. My butt. Jess - I had a dream last night that you lost so much weight that you butt was like... TINY. But, like, DEFORMED tiny. I don't know why I am dreaming of your butt instead of, for e.g., Jensen Ackles' butt. You need to write and complain for me.

Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!! Laughing big time!!! New series of Supernatural started last night........gosh those two lads are lovely.... bestest tv programme eva! I'd damwell love to see Jensen's butt.

Me: Talking of butts-
Me: Get down. Down. GET DOWN. DOWN. GET... Clyde.. I am NEVER going to feed you again unless you get down
Clyde: SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTT
Me: Graceful.
He is a big butt head. He was sitting in the front of the dresser getting ready to leap up. I was lying in my bed going, sternly, NO CLYDE. NO. NO. He was all WHATEVER *preparing to leap* I rolled up my magazine and was like NO CLYDE. He looked at me and was all, pffft. *Walks round to side of dresser, out of reach of me by the door and leapt up. Me: Ok. That was impressively done. But GET DOWN

Sophie: He did that to me yesterday. When I was going “OI. OIIIIIII, GET. OFF.” He just sat his fat a r s e down and looked me in the eye.

Jess: Oh FFDD!!!! So FD! "Sat his fat a r s e down!"

Sophie: The thing was I was sitting on my bed sorting out my scarves so he was literally looking me in the eye in a blatant display of “Yeah…. And?” It’s just so rhude! He has every ledge and sofa, bed and even the kitchen table to plonk on but I take offence to the one area I have made nice with jewellery, photos, make up etc

Me: I know. The ONE surface. The one with glasses of water, coffee cups, perfume bottles. What a d i c k.
ALSO. He came and snuggled last night. Too late I was all, dude you are WET and pushed him off the white sheets. This morning there is a perfect trail of muddy paw prints. Gross.

Jess: Fd! HE'S A RIGHT BOY THAT CAT!!! Rude and ignorant...actually that is so cat!

Sophie: It’s the only surface that I have covered with trinkets and bits and bobs that I like.
I typed bits and boobs then but that is definitely not right.

Jess: SNIGGER. Funny tho.

not an animal

Sadie: Wanted to read and reply to all emails as I have 5 mins but PC crashing all over the place so can barely type this email. Forgodsakeandallthatsholyalready...........

Sophie: 5 mins til what?

Me: You could do a lot in 5 minutes. Madge and Justin saved the world in only 4

Sadie: I didnt quite save the world, but I have managed to get through the week without performing a face to desk bounce on anyone, and thats quite a remarkable feat.
I am having a nightmare time again, no lunch for days, early mornings, late nights. And I also had a reasonably rubbish time on Saturday. Went for a meal before O2 concert, forty quid for some chicken and chips and a glass of water. Right put me in a bad mood that did. Plus 25 quid taxi cos 02 is in such a shite place you cant get home from it.
Still at least...............no, there's no at least.

Jess: Morning ho's. 'fraid I'm gonna have to get the expression 'face to desk bounce' in SOMEWHERE today!!! Srsly like that!!!!!

Sophie: Who did you see at the O2? £40 for chicken and chips? I go to the Pizza Express if I go to the O2. Just put on contact lenses, face powder, eyeliner, mascara and a coat of nail polish at my desk (over the chipping coat).
Added bonus: someone came to talk to me whilst I was trying to put my lenses in and said “bad time” and walked off.
Went to see The Reader last night.

Jess: CLEVER! What was The Reader like?...................My Bloody Valentine was mega tosh, but Mr Ackles was stunningly gorgeous eye candy homicidal maniac in it so I enjoyed that!!! Can't stand these men falling in love with stupid chicks so sexy murdering slasher quite appeals to me...hmm.... I know what I WROTE is so wrong but I just can't seem to care.......

Me: You are into homicidal maniacs Titch? Because I am sure out of all the crazies I talk to, some must fit that description. Let me know if you wanna be hooked up.
Disclaimer: None look like Jensen Ackles.

Jess: I ONLY WANT CRAZY IF HE LOOKS LIKE JENSEN...............

Sophie: No dude, I hate all that crud as well. Lulu and Rosie LOVE those films though. I find it quite shocking the b*llocks they watch as no one else in the entire family is into that tripe. I quite enjoyed The Reader, although it was a bit odd.

Jess: God I DETEST them........I honestly can't think of anything worse than romcoms or chickflicks! I love films mind!!! Don't mind rooood films tho, s'long as there's not a fu**ing squeak of *sneery face* romance!!!

Me: Me and Lol love us a bit of Charlies Angels COME ON and Miss Congeniality. And Happy Go Lucky is great.

Jess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sophie:Hahahahhahahahahahaa. Do you know what…. I was going to say in my 1st email if it’s got Cameron Diaz (vom) in it they love it.

Jess: Cameron freakin Diaz is a freak.

Me: I wouldn't mind being freaky like her.

Sadie: I agree with Jess and Soph re the Romcoms. Although I do have a sneaky fondness for the Doris Day/Rock Hudson Pillow Talk. Personally I like a jolly good action thriller with plenty of bad language. Angela likes films about paraplegic's who then have something dreadful happen to them.................srysly
I saw Carmina Burana and Verdi at the O2, cos I is posh totty. What is The Reader?
Re face to desk bounce, I do love the idea of doing it silently. I can imagine my arm swiftly lashing out, followed by a loud thwack ringing out in the silence of the office as desk connectivity is made. And I've still got bad sinuses, so they should just leave me the F**K alone today.

Me: I like most films but me and Lol love a good crappy one. Not too crappy though 'PS I LOVE YOU' I AM LOOKING AT YOU.
I HATE the depressing ones like paraplegics and whatnot. Sophie went out last night and Matt was trying to get me to watch Elephant Man with him. I was all NO and he was all *pretending to be elephant man* AIIIIII AMMMMM NOTTTTTT ANNNN ANIMALLLLLLLLLLLL.
I love the thought of someone coming up to you and asking a stupid question whilst you are typing and you just do the head bounce thing. I'm just gonna pretend that is what you are doing.
Cool re: Carmen. Was it good?
Poor you with the sinuses. I just have a headache from dealing with idiots. Oh the FATIGUE of it all!

Sadie: Laughing at Matt impression! Dude, Elephant Man though, what a deeeeeeeeeeepressing film.
Carmen was good, although the performance art during it was a bit strange. At one point Angela turned to me and in a loud whisper said 'Oh what the F*CK are they doing now'
Clearly we just ain't that cultured.

Sophie: Carmina Burana – good one.
I imagine the head, desk interface Wallace and Gromit plasticine style for some reason.
Matt text me last night “let me know when you’re on your way home and I’ll do your hot water bottle” how sweet is that.
Sinuses – mine are HIDEOUS too!!!! It’s back. Waking up feeling like someone smashed my face in again, perpetually tired. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT SO I AM WITH YOU THERE

Sadie: Matt is sooooo sweet!
Poor you, I thought your sinuses were a thing of the past. The first day I got it I woke myself up at three in the morning shouting MY NOSE REALLY HURTS. My shouting really made my heart race, and I spent half an hour trying to calm down. And another half hour searching for nurofen.

Sophie: I feel your pain but that made me larfffff. I a bit behind due to lunch break commitments and typing one handedly

Sadie: Laughing!Is the one handed typing due to holding food in the other?
Also, I was a bit embarrassed after that shout. Said to myself, there's not actually anyone in the room to tell.

Sophie: Mate, I’ve just eaten 6 baby pitas and tarama (again). Feel like I’ve eaten a breeze block. Woooo. Very full now.

Me: Have I told you how irritating Clyde has been lately? For some reason he has decided that the best place to be is on my dresser. Which is crowded with delicate things. Like lamps. And glasses of water. And, also, he likes it best up there at night. So I get woken up by him standing on my head so his fat butt can leap up. That is the first insult. Second he bumbles around up there and I have to get up and get him down before I'm cleaning up broken glass and whatnot at 3am. Third. Stupid cat.
Although he was amusing me GREATLY last night by sticking his head in the top of my lamp whilst I was in bed reading. Like, his whole head. Then I guess he realised the bulb was really hot because it kept making him sneeze. But he kept sticking his head back in it. And sneezing. And his little head would come out looking all confused and puzzled and dazed. I laughed a lot. Until he woke me up all night jumping onto my dresser.

Jess: I so laughed at this mail!!!!

Sadie: Laughing! Ah, he sounds such a cutie. A big mountainous lump of a cutie, but a cutie nevertheless. Wish I could have a cat, it's not fair.

Sophie: This morning he lay in wait in the bathroom and then leapt on to my leg in attack as I walked in (having woken up 10 seconds previously). Very shocking. Very shocking indeed.

Jess: Izzy has worked out that why smack my face once during the night when she can keep smacking it as it wakes me up and i larf!!!
I woke up this morning with a pin prick spot of blood on the bridge of my nose, yup, a rather violent reminder of an izzy swipe....
AND again she sneezed full in my face last night!!! I.MEAN.FULL.ON.SNEEZE!!!!

Sadie: Dude. Hasnt she seen those adverts on the tube escalator saying USE A HANKIE.

Me: I hate those adverts. Next to the word moist, I hate 'water droplets' in terms of those posters. Makes me retch.

Sadie: So, you wouldnt like a hanky, made moist from water droplets? Hanky is a silly word when written down. Or is is Hankie?

Jess: Snot rag dude.

Sadie: But I am a lady.

Jess: Again, snot rag dude.

Sophie: Titch, did you go to finishing school? It’s just with that turn of phrase I’m sure you must have.

Jess: Well I know school finished me off...does that count?

cats

Jess: Anyone in?

Me: Sadly, yes

Jess: Me too..... And I've got work to do!!! Outfuckingrageous.

Me: Who asked Santa for a fat man on a sun lounger?
Jess: FD!!!! Dude! I love his paw hanging out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Huntin'...You're doing it wrong!

Jess: OH ffd! LOVE IT!!!!

Sadie: Laughing!

Me: Um. I have nothing to say about this one other than our cat sometimes does a really good impression of a shot elephant. See, he collapses in his basket after a hard day with his bitches. And then the warmth of being in front of the radiator gets too much so he staggers out of his bed and manages to make it about 2 foot and then his head hits the floor with such a thud and he sleeps there for a bit. I wish I was quick enough to film the absolute thud when he hits the ground. I'm like dad, every single time I ask Matt who shot his cat.
Jess: Oh SO laughing!!!!!!!! That is SO good!!!! He's like...well...DEAD.....

Me: I'm all, Clyde, you gotta stop hitting your head so hard mate. It's not like you can afford to lose the brain cells.
I played with him for AGES last night in the lounge. And then I was all, WHY AM I CHASING THE BALLS AND MICE AND YOU ARE JUST BATTING THEM WITH YOUR PAW FROM YOUR BASKET????!!!! Exercising the cat. FAIL

Jess: Laughing......... I left a tap running in the bathroom sink.......sink filled up........overflowed.......kitchen ceiling did MARVELLOUS impression of Niagara Falls...Izzy sat on edge of couch whole time this was happening(about 20 minutes of running water) and just looked at me, then back at the torrent of water...her look said.......washing the kitchen floor? FAILLLLL!

Me: OH MY GOD! Jess! That's badddd man!!! Clyde was waking me up this morning at 5 AS USUAL. He does this really sweet snuggle thing so you sleepily pat him on the head and then he BITES YOU SO HARD so you put all extremities under the covers so the only thing he can do is stick his HUGE face in yours and start nuzzling that so you think it is safe to pat him again and then he BITES YOU SO HARD and, all in all, it is a really terrible way to start your day.

Sadie: Laughing at emails. I have no cats to make me laugh. Just dead flying ants behind the fridge, dead slugs under the bath and probably dead mice under the floorboards.

Jess: Eeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Me: Sadie. Dude. Pets.... FAIL

Sadie: Really really laughing!

Jess: Funny!!!! And dear God...Izzy's breath could sterilize nations.

Me: DUDE!!! That's baddddd! I don't think I could cope with Clyde having bad breath as well as being a poo head! Although I stroked him the other night and a slug stuck to my hand and that made me retch all over the shop so . . I dunno. 6 of one and whatnot.

Jess: Laughing!!!! I give her all the dentibit shit but I swear she's licking SOMEONE'S ass! I couldn't sleep last night..still watching the clock at 3 fu**ing AM! I get up at half 5..but NONE of this was helped by the fact that MY cat could tell I wasn't asleep and kept me even MORE awake with constantly sitting inches away from my nose, purring and wanting attention..........needless to say I had a cappuccino on my way to work...then you realise that half of freakin London is on hols!!!!!

Me: 2 hours sleep and I would be mainlining espresso, no poncey cappucino!!
Izzy sounds sweet! And at least you can be all, hey, lets snuggle at a better time. With Clyde, you take what you can get.

Jess: Dude, Ally bringing me another coffee on her way in.......
She is sweet, she's started a new thing........I'm fast asleep, she mewls to wake me up. I resolutely ignore her and scrunch my eyelids up even tighter.so......she pats my nose with her paw.......I'm lost....I have to laugh and give it up and cuddle her.....
I love Clyde, he is a freakin comedien!

Me: No, see, that is cute. That is how Clyde would begin and the next thing you know your missing a nostril

Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really laughing at that!!!!

Me: He makes me look like a self harmer

Jess: Snarf!

Me: Lookin' like a lion..That's not bad actually

Jess: Oh God he's like a lovely cute furry fluffy black ball...............only YOU know the real truth.

Me: If he wasn't such a clumsy fu*k he'd make a good ninja

Jess: Oh dude!!! FUNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Sadie: I keep snorting. People giving me funny looks.

le idiot

There is a box in my room. It contains things like wrapping paper, tissue paper, spare birthday cards and different coloured pens. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards. I put the box on my bed and sat next to it. Clyde immediately uncurled himself from where he was lying and tried to get into it. The box? It is not so big. Clydes arse? Massive.

Oh dear

Dad: What is going on with that cat??
Me: It's very similar to what happens if we leave Matt home alone for too long

Oh dear Oh dear

Jess: OH OH OH EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sophie: I wouldn't mind but he has those lice things on him and that was a clean bra.
Sade, I only noticed you said hello on messenger hours later - didn't even know I was on it! I didn't know you went on that!

Me: Nah. He's clean. I picked them off. Matt: Haven't you emasculated him enough?

Sophie: Rosie: Clyde has these white lumps...
Me: ...
Rosie: I think they are alive. Come and have a look at these may be alive white lumps
Me (pretending I can't hear)
Rosie and Matt: *debating/picking* possibly living lumps
Me: Positively not getting involved
Matt: (Bringing them into the living room because I didn't get up to look at them & presenting things with lots of fur attached) LOOK
Me: OH MY GOD! Did you just drop one on the floor? OH MY GOD!

Sadie: Oh god laughing out loud!!!!!!!

Jess: Oh god lice not much fun...........
Honestly, boys are just universally filthy fu**s, be they man or beast. Srsly I'm still bit shocked at ' I picked them off' Jeeeeez!

Sadie: Um, lice? Nice. Clyde/Claudia looked so sweet. Only my second time on it, its webcam set up next!

Jess: Yes after 565 years Sadie actually managed to get with the program and set up her IM.... you wait, she'll sort her webcam out soon............. *sarcastic raise of eyebrow*

Me: He only looked sweet because he was half asleep. Otherwise he would have taken my hand off.
Sophie has some kind of webcam thing on her computer. OMG it takes the UGLIEST pictures EVER. Totally the cameras fault and not the fact we were all gurning at it.

Sophie: The other day I found the video camera function that is inbuilt in my laptop. Makeupless and spotty it was just really depressing. Then I showed Ro and it is just so awful and ugly that it is quite engrossing.

Jess: FD!!! Yes, webcams are ONLY for the reeeely pretty.

Me: Nah, there are markets for everything :)

Jess: God *unfortunately imagining*

Sophie: I think it was the harsh lighting...

Me: Yeah. Candlelight is TERRIBLE. Fact

Sadie: Harsh lighting and bad angles. It happens to me ALL the time.

Jess: FD! Your *mother* text me..... we could make some spending money by selling ourselves on a street corner and giving the men a sandwich...and i don't mean egg mayonnaise.... I'm still * O *

Sophie: Does not surprise me.

Sadie: Oh. My. God.

Jess: DISGUSTING

Sophie: Corr I could eat an egg mayo sarnie now though

Jess: Me too!

Sophie: He'd have to be a big fella to cope with being sandwiched between you lot and i'm not necessarily talking in the trouser dept. Have I gone a step too far?

GAK

Me: Do your cats ever get these weird tiny egg looking things attached to them? I was picking them off Clyde last night. It was DISGUSTING but possibly less disgusting than hundreds of spiders (or whatever) hatching all over my bed.

Cor: Were they all barbed or hairy and difficult to get off? Cos thats ususally seeds or grass seeds. so nothing too gross. unless they weren't hairy in which case i have no idea, probably dirty disgusting mankyness. eurgh. eggs. that makes my skin crawl.

Me:No, that's the problem. I pull enough barbed etc crap off him to know these didn't look plant based . . . they looked like smoothy smooth little eggs. And they made a popping sound when I picked them off ... *retch*

Cor:Dude. That popping comment is going to stay with me. I nearly just threw up my biscuit. If you only ever do one more thing for me in this life- never mention anything like that to me ever ever again

Me: The sentence "nearly just threw up my biscuit" has given me the proper giggles. Also, you think it will stay with YOU? I keep reliving it!!! The feel, the sound . . *GAK*
Seriously. Cats are disgusting.

Lisa: Your cats got ticks!

Me: Do you think that is what they were? When I held one up to the light, it was definitely looked like a tick. But it was white. I thought they were black? And also, I just picked it off with my nails. Is that right? God. Bloody cat.

Lisa:The ones I saw were white because I kept it to take to the vet, You can just pull them off with your nails but the vet advised me not to do that because you can leave their legs behind which can get infected! Althoug the vet may just have been trying to get money out of me!!!

Me:GROSS. I really did NOT want to pick it off with my nails because . . GROSS. But it seemed preferable to eggs hatching. Think I might buy some tweezers to use ... I wasn't sure whether to pull them off myself because I have heard they leave stuff behind but I also think the risk is pretty low. My friends mum is one of those people that knows all about stuff like that and lives in the country and I've seen her pull ticks off with her hands too. BLAH. I am swapping Clyde with baby Pearl.

Lisa:She's got ticks too!!!!!

Me: Eurgh. Then you can just have them both!!

delicates

I shall call this: Clyde is fucking lucky Sophie had her contacts in

Balls

On Friday, Clyde did not become a man. Me, Sophie and Matt (well, less Matt) decided that Clyde needed to be neutered. Personally, I think that there are far too many unwanted animals in this world without people like us adding to it. And Lord knows Clyde is keen to go forth and multiply. Heres hoping that his partner on the estate is male otherwise we could be too late. I am not sure how we can deny ownership of any kittens should they be born as I imagine Clyde's genes will be pretty prominent and they'll come out with horns.

Clyde was not allowed any food after his dinner on Thursday evening at 7.30. This is probably not a problem for some cats. For Clyde, we might as well have been torturing him with endless kisses and hugs. To make sure he didn't go and eat slugs, worms, or another cat from the block, we also had to lock the cat flap. Lock and barricade. It was a very ... trying evening.

In the morning, he was pitiful. It was heartbreaking watching him pad after us, curling round our legs, pointedly staring at his bowl, miaowing. All I could think was, IT IS FOR THE BEST, IT IS FOR THE BEST. But I couldn't look at him. He got into his carrier with minimum fuss. He was pretty weak after not eating for SO LONGGGGGG. Luckily his appointment was at 8.30 as there was no way I would be able to deal with him longer. I would have cracked. I would have had to call the vets and cancel his appointment due to pathetic puppy dog eyes and whimpering. And that would have ruined my bad ass image. Ahem.

When we got to the vets, he was seen immediately. I think this is because his crying was making grown men weep. We have been slightly worried about Clydes weight. Worried that he is being fed by the crazies.
Me: Do you think we should put a note on his collar that says, please don't feed me, I have a medical condition?
Sophie: What condition? I'm a fat bastard?
So I asked the vet what she thought. She said that, though he has DOUBLED in size since he was last weighed (like, a week ago) he is at an ok weight for him. But don't let him get any bigger. Seriously, if we let him get any bigger, he would be calling the shots round ours.

When it was time for me to leave him, the vet picked him up. He was so weak from lack of food that he put up no protest. She waved his little paw at me and said, goodbye. I was all, I have got to leave before he is stripped of any more dignity. Clyde does not WAVE GOODBYE. His terms of affection are a little nibble on your elbow skin. THAT is how he shows HIS love.

I got the bus home. I walked down the drive. There was no little bell ringing as he streaked past and into the house for food. There was no miaowwwww miaowwwwww miaowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. It was all very sad. I did the cleaning. Some washing. Had a nap. In barely any time I received a call from the vet saying all was well. That the operation had gone well, that Clyde had come round and had eaten some food quicker than most dogs. She said, he is clearly a very . . robust cat. If there was a prize going out for euphemisms, that vet would have been raking them in.

I went and picked him up. When he saw me he started purring. I gave him a hug. Put him in his carrier and took him home. The vet told me to feed him small amounts as soon as I got in. When I gave him a 10th of a Whiskers packet, he nearly took my eye out. I was also told to keep him inside until the following afternoon. I think Matt kicked him out around 7am on Saturday. I was all, still sedated and drowsy my arse.

It is safe to say he is fully recovered and is no less a cat than he was before. And is LOVING his freedom. No more cat flap curfew. Clyde is free to roam all night. Although, he is always back in time for his breakfast at 5am.

sleepin, you're doin it well!!!

Today, Sophie and Matt went to Stevenage to have lunch with Matt's sister. Mainly, I napped. In our house, we are pro-nappers.

I think I know who did it . . .

and it weren't the Colonel

Unsuspecting

To: Sophie, Matt
From: Me

Hey Kiddies,

Matt, cover your eyes.

I have booked Clyde in for THE CHOP tomorrow. I phoned the vet and tomorrow is the earliest they have which means we can unlock the catflap at night! Yes! Plus I figure we can watch him at the weekend to make sure he is ok.

This means. He can have his dinner this evening but as soon as he is finished all food needs to be taken away and the catflap locked. His water can stay down until the morning when that too needs to be removed.

He needs to be at the vets at 8.30. Generally you can get your cat back mid-afternoon but it depends how they react to the anesthetic.

The operation costs £55 in total.

However. The nurse suggests that, whilst he is anesthetised, we get him microchipped. This costs £26.54
Pros:
People will know he belongs to us if found (council, police, vets, pounds)
It won't hurt him because he'll be under anesthetic.
If you get it done during the ball operation, it is cheaper

Cons:
People will know he belongs to us
I could spend my microchip money (£9) on beer

I have the whole day off tomorrow. Sorry if either of you wanted to be there. If so, emergency leave? If you really do want to be there I can rearrange?

P.s. If you say 'spading' instead of 'neutering' you will be very confused when they ask if your cat has been in season yet.


From: Sophie

Hello, oh good. Well done for booking Clyde. And sorting out Monica's rent. Matt did you transfer her money yet?

Can't believe you said spade hahaha. I want tomorrow off but don't think it's wise. Shame you dont have the car!


From: Rosie

Well. Maybe you could tell them you need emergency leave???

Shame about car but can just get the bus with you and Matt in the morning.

So, did you want the microchipping? I said yes to the nurse but we can change our mind.

P.s. No. I cannot believe I said spade either. I can do a funny interpretation of me on the phone though. Highlight was when I nearly called it 'the ball operation'


From: Matt

I wouldn't worry, when I picked up my cat from the vet after having his bollocks chopped off, I said "I'm here to pick up my cat, you've just taken his balls." She gave me a weird look.
Not sure if I can get tomorrow off but I don't think I want to be there anyway. He's gonna be a shell of a cat tomorrow I imagine.

I have not transferred the money yet as I'm very very busy but will drop everything to do it now.

I'm hungry


From: Me

HAHA!!!

Also, when she said, 'you need to starve your cat for 12 hours' I said: oh LORDYYYYYYYYYY.

Don't worry Matt, I think he'll be ok. Maybe he might even become normal!

Monica (obviously) hadn't noticed the rent money deficit yet so no worries. Sometime today is fine.

I am also hungry. Just ate a DairyLea triangle. I have a couple left if you want?


From: Sophie

Funny Hawk. I was going to ask - what does the microchip say on it?

I'll let you handle it on your own tomorrow if that's ok?


From: Matt

Quick update -

Money has been transferred and standing order corrected.

And how is clyde going to be ok????

HE'S LOSING HIS FUCKING BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not normal thing to do.


From: Me

FUNNY!!!! Loads of men don't have balls so don't worry. He'll fit in.

Good stuff on the Monica money. Well done.

Sophie - I'm fine taking him on my own tomorrow. I'll just be dropping him off anyways. And when I pick him him, I doubt I'll be his favourite person. And the microchip has name, address and number. Also, it is free to call and have numbers etc changed. No odds to them, they just change the details on the computer.


From: Sophie

Matt, if it's any consolation I imagine Clyde has already spread his wild seed numerous times and there are possibly (but Dear God hopefully not) some mini Clyde's on the way out there to the poor unsuspecting owner(s) of lady cat(s).


From: Me

We'll deny all knowledge.

bag lady

Me: Jess - Clyde says thanks v much for the adult cat food and he is finally old enough to eat it. He says if you need him to take any more of your hands, he will.

Jess: I have loads of pouch cat food for your baby!!!

Me: Wicked to the cat food. Cheers!!!

Sophie: Yes very good. What ones does Izzy eat then? if you like we can give you those pouches from the packs we order. Clyde eats any brand and flavour. I did the Tesco order and got him a huge variety e.g. roast dinners, meals from the ocean, wild game etc etc

Jess: Oh that's sweet. Honestly don't worry.. my cat is not a huge eater so I have plenty... I've got a ton of pouches for you....she doesn't like Waitrose fish in jelly now...jeez!!!

Me: Although we could just give him a plate of worms and satsumas. He eats anything.

Jess: Oh FFFFD!!

Sophie: Well are there no Felix or Whiskers ones she likes as we have about 400 coming this evening... even though we hate that Ponders End Tesco because we are last on their drive so if our order is between 7 - 9 it gets to us at 10.30. Tonight I had to get 8 - 10 so Lord only knows how long our frozen prawns will have been driving about Enfield for.

Jess: FFFFD!!!! And don't worry, you're baby will eat 400 in no time.......

Me: Ok then. And, If you could put the food for him in an interesting bag, he'd doubly like it. Last night he got in this bag. Rustle rustle rustle rustle Me: Clyde. That is pretty irritating. I'm trying to sleep. Rustle rustle rustle. Me: THAT IS IT. GET OUT. *eventually have to hide bag as he tries to get in 97 more times.* I try going back to sleep. Rustle rustle rustle Me: WHAT THE . . .*turn lamp on* Can you see the Oasis bag next to the one he is in? It has a skirt in that I am taking to dry cleaners. He got in that one instead. Arse.

Jess: OH ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!!!

Sophie: He is just so demented. I honestly think if he was human he'd be sectioned. This morning he started from about 5 onwards. By 6 I thought if I have to listen to that bell TINKLE TINKLE TINKLE one more time I'm going to throw him out the window. We lock him in at night until he's had his op and he was bashing at his closed cat flap like a battering ram. Then he tried to knock off my orchid. I heard Ro slam her door when he started shredding newspaper. In the end Matt got up.

Me: HAHA. Yeah, I kicked him out my room this morning. It was 5am and he was DIGGING on my bed. That is as irritating as it sounds. Also, it was digging interspersed with biting my shoulder. Interspersed with being all snuggly which including biting.

Jess: SRSLY... My baby at 5 was snuggled up into my side....as she was all through the night....apart from the 2 cuddles she insisted on....but your one is like a proper cartoon/thug/delinquent/disturbed/slug-loving kitteh!

Me: You're a flippin show off

Sophie: Yeah, show off!

Jess: Snarf.... Tell you what she likes.....me sitting on my bed during the day reading, she likes me to sit with my legs dangling off the edge of the bed, then she likes to jump over them as she goes up and down the bed purring and pretending she's a horse! And she likes me to put the pillow in the middle of the bed so she can jump over that...

Me: Man, I CANNOT WAIT until he gets snipped. Then he can go harass the entire neighbourhood. One month. Come on. Why doesn't your cats idea of a good time include biting?

Jess: FFDDDD!! POOR CLYDE! And it's 'cos my cat is a ladeee....woh who who she's a laydeee...talkin about that liddle lady........

Sophie:
Sophie: Here Clyde *putting food down*
Matt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO
Sophie: *gasp* Jesus, what?
Matt: You have to turn the 'DOG' to the back

Jess: FDDDDDDDDD

Me: JEEEEEEEEEZ. A just came in for THEE LONGEST CHAT EVER. It included:
His divorce (when his wife took him to the cleaners) When he was declared bankrupt
How he thought all women were money-grabbing bitches
How he has a lot of money in the bank because he is too lazy to spend it
How he COULD go to Spain for 3 weeks on the interest he gets (from all the money in his account) but he doesn't so he sits at home for 3 weeks and then says, look at all the money I've saved!
Me: . . .
I think I preferred it when we weren't speaking.

Sophie: Freak

Jess: Y'know sometimes I wonder how on earth some people just cant realize what boring sad to**ers they are..... It's not the fact that they ARE BST's it's the fact that they want to share their BSTing life with you....no wonder we get so jaded...

Me: Exactly! Amusing and/or interesting stories/anecdotes only please. He was telling me and I was all, mm m mmmm *pointedly looking at screen* I mean, what fresh hell?

Jess: FD!! What fresh hell indeed..... Me and Ally both on 8am shift today....so we meet up to get coffee. We're accosted by 2 staff en route...I had to listen to twaddle while Ally hung back and let me be bored to further insanity....she didn't help at all....nope....left me too it....and what makes people talk about freakin WORK out of hours??? I'm not interested while I'm AT work let alone out of it!!!

Me: Agreed!! Cos, WHY is he telling me all that? Some people need boundaries. Also. 2 ways in which I deal with things like that:
Present Day: E.g, generally being rude, swearing, common
Past: You have to pretend you are a Jane Austen character. E.g. Good Day! And, that is a very inappropriate thing to say to a lady.
It is pretty fun. And a testament to how bored I get.

Jess: I prefer present day so us laydees can be as graphically rude as we like,....tho I know you laydees are now where NEAR as rude as me.... I like - some people need boundaries!

Me: No, srsly, some people need boundaries. Goodness, how much I do not want to hear about your boyfriend nicknaming you 'poobear' because you like bumming I cannot even BEGIN to say. And Jane Austen replies are Fun! Ending a conversation/argument with a sales person on the phone with a, Good Day! is pretty amusing. Maybe only to me. You and Ally should see how long you can keep up Jane Austen talk. Imagine having to be polite ...

Jess: I'm gonna Austen it in the office and see how long before I a)fail and b)someone notices!!! I'll let you know!

Me: Shouldn't be too long before someone notices you being polite!

Jess: Dude ruined it straight away when I ordered Ally to sort my bagel for lunch...right I'm gonna start now...

Sophie: Larfed at that I did

.....

Jess: Dude.....Ally's looking at me strange.. Have managed one sentence so far. Major fail

cat snowed under

Sophie: On my way home last night I got caught in a thunder storm, sheeting rain, hail, and then a snow blizzard.


Sophie: A piccie of Clyde...
Jess: Weather freaky.... Piccies so cute...kitteh got so big!!!

Sophie: Very big and very hungry. He had a little look at the snow last night while we watched and laughed at him run back in.

Jess: F!! I can see him..... Izzy went out last night too, pre-snow. I let her out 'cos I'm kind, anyway, she did a wee and decided to return.... She came through the hatch with such force and speed that the hatch came off the door at high velocity and hit a blender which was on a shelf under the cooker..... blender, lid, knobby part of lid and hatch all sprawled across kitchen floor. Jessica heart racing as noise made her jerk up on couch, and then Izzy went like the devil himself was chasing her, up the stairs and onto my bed....just a streak of tortoiseshell........

Me: FUNNY!!!! Makes you jump when they come through the catflap at such speeds. This morning Clyde jumped from the window ledge onto my stomach (please have another look at the photo of him when imaging what this felt like). So. I woke up this morning to the belief that I was being attacked by a burglar. Nice.
Also. MIAOWWWWWW miaowwww miaow miaow?? MIAOW Miaowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww??? Miaow! Miaowwww Miaowwwwww? Miaow Miaow Miaow

Jess: Oh FFD!!!! Cherisst!!! I bet he made you go oommmmphhhhhhhh!!

Me: He winded me. Remember when you were on the train and you fell asleep and then woke up and went warghhhhhhhhhhhh and your arms and legs went up in the air? Thats pretty much what happened.

Jess: Oh ffd!!!!!!!

Me: Yeah. But. It kinda wasn't. It was only 6.45 and he managed to bomb me 3 more times. Then he did the pathetic act - sticking his big fat head in my face. Don't tell Sadie but, I'm wrapping him up for her birthday present.

Jess: Oh so laughingggggggggggg. Honestly I SO larf at these mails!!!!!

Sadie: You are too kind. I couldn't possibly accept such a generous gift. Honestly, no. Really, never. Ever.

Jess: FFFFFFF

Me: Shit. Suppose I better unwrap him then. When I get home later. Will be a job because I duct taped him really well this morning.

Sadie: Laughing!

Jess: OH REALLY FFD!

Sadie: Left home early this morning for a change. Got to the station and no trains. But there was at least a bus replacement service. The bus driver said to us, well I can drive you into the City if you all want. But only if someone knows the way. I decided to walk to the next station. Good job I wore my new duvet coat today, it's a bit nippy noo nah out there.

Me: It is blimmin freezing!!! And what was with the snow? I am the only one wearing wellies though. Like some country bumpkin. PLUS! There were trees and branches fallen down round our way!!! Michael Fish didn't predict this!!! On the train some old guy asked if I was off to school. Am wearing my black polka dot dress and wellies and tights. Nothing like our school uniform and I am gonna be so peeved if someones uniform was like this. And then I got to work and R said: "Nice wellies. Have you had them since you were 6?" They are mums ones she gave me. Kickers ones with pictures of london buses on.

Jess: Really f! Old guy perving at you, he WANTED to SEE you in your school uniform!!!

Me: The reality of me in my old school uniform would have shocked him outta that fantasy

Sadie: Snorting! And I think the wellies sound lovely. I wore long socks for the first time this winter. Long socks and duvet coat. I was waiting at the bus stop all toasted up, everyone else was all moaning and pinch faced with the cold. Suckers.

Sophie: Well I had on a long top, a jumper, another jumper, my bus hoodie (tied up around my face) and then my coat, scarf and gloves. Walked into the 25 degree centrally heated office with greehouse effect windows and nearly passed out.
Then I struggled to take all the layers off in front of our MD who I sit opposite.

Jess: FFd! I too have long socks and a scarf today! I was well toasty.......I'd like some hot buttered toast now.

Sadie: Spoke to P yesterday. He's worried about his job as his company is firing people. I told him that its not all roses getting your 30% pay rise, it makes you high profile on the big black plastic bag list and that he should have stayed cheap as chips like me. Cheap, but glittery as I like to think of myself.

Sophie: Like a fairy on a christmas tree

Sadie: Absolutely

Jess: I'm cheap and tarnished.........

Sadie: FD! I'm seeing him for a meal in couple of weeks. He said make it a cheap restaurant, just in case.

Jess: So a sarnie and a latte from Pret, then.

Me: What? That's flipping expensive. French stick and onion rings from Tesco

Jess: Fd! Dust and barf.

Sophie: Never eat barf. Or dust. E-ewwwww

buyinggggg and readingggggggggg

Friday was Halloweeeeeeeeen. I went to a wicked party at my friend Elizabeths house. If I ever need someone to organise a party for me in the future, I am going to enlist her help. The place looked fabulous. There were fairy lights and candles everywhere, plus cobwebs and spiders, scairy cakes, jacket potatoes cooking round the bonfire. It was pretty fantastic. I went as a bat. Here is Clyde modelling part of my outfit for me:
On Saturday me and Soph met up with Mum and Lol in Palmers Green. We went to the pub for lunch. I went and ordered and bought a bottle of wine. I never got ID-ed. I NEVER get ID-ed, even when the policy is to ID people who look under 25. Great. When I got back to the table I might have been slightly loud saying how pissed I am that I never get ID-ed. One of the pub staff heard and came over and ID-ed me. It made mum a bit nervous because Lol was drinking all the wine.

Saturday night I babysat with Lulu. Just as the parents walked in the door she did the most disgusting fart ever. It was vile. It was unbelievable. I couldn't believe it happened. She said: Don't worry. They'll probably just think it was you.

I stayed round Mum and Dads afterwards because it is nicer than trekking home at midnight. If you have a mum like mine, the spare room would have looked like this:
Pajamas laid out
Candles
Spare Blankets
AND!!! This is how I know that my mother loves me
Also, you room might be taken up by one of these. Or not. Could just be my mother who fills every available space with trees

On Sunday, Lulu took me shopping and out for lunch. We went to Nero's in Enfield. We ordered 2 paninis. One was tuna and one was mozzarella, basil and tomato and we shared. Lulu was all, MINE IS CHICKEN! And I was all THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I HAVE HALF A TUNA AND HALF A MOZZARELLA. But. She was right. Somehow the lady cutting the paninis in half had mixed a few up. I don't think the man who got the other tuna half was very happy.

A conversation that happened on Sunday night:

Sophie: Ro, I said to Matt, imagine if we had just met. How would you describe yourself. He said: I like buyingggggggg magazines. I like reeeeeeeeeeeeeading magazines..... I was like, right. I'll tell you about MYself. I'm a leggy blonde . . Matt: well, you have legs.

Me: HAHA!

Sophie: I like buyingggggggg magazines. I like reeeeeeeeeeeeeading magazines..... That is the last time I try and spice up our love life.

*Side bar*

The other day, in the kitchen with Matt:

Me: *changing Clydes water* Do you think we have given our cat identity issues because we have his water in a bowl that says 'Dog?'

Matt: No because I always turn the bowl so he can't see the writing

Me: . . . . so . . . you think our cat can read then?

Matt: Well. I wouldn't put it past him

***

Me: Whats that Clyde??

Me, as Clyde. WOOOF WOOF

Me: He says, he likes buyinggggg the bones. He likes eatingggggggggg the bones.......

back in the daaaaay

In our house, we reuse our bags. Clyde says that they make vair good cat toys:
And a comfy bed:
(this is only dangerous for babies)

If you do not have a plastic bag to play with then Clyde suggests you go into the garden/street and find some worms to play with. Inside. It will seriously make you happy:

If you do not have a Matt on hand to pick these up off the floor, where they will promptly fall apart into a million pieces, I feel very very sorry for you.

Jess: Oh that is theee cutest!!!! They like being smothered...sort of....not from an arse or anything......so Ro, downloaded The
Pretender. Yup...excellent...

Me: I showed R. He says: Did you get him out?
Me: No. I kicked it round the floor a bit
R: !!!!
Me: Needed a good photo angle
R: !
Me: Whatever dude. He loved it. When I took him out the bag he got all pissed and tried to get back in.

Jess: Oh FFFFFFFFD! Really FL!

Me. HAHA! That's true as well. I would have moved it with my hands but that would have resulted in an amputation carried out by a maniac (Clyde). Similar to what happened to the worms he bought in and played with that Matt had to pick up. Which fell apart in his hands. Which resulted in Clyde's catflap being locked WAY before curfew. Which made him poo all over his catbox which has been unsullied for about a week. Frankly, though, I would rather clean out a catbox than pick up massive huge worms that are wriggling all over the lounge floor that, praise be, have only been brought into the lounge when we have been around to notice and are not, eg, ON MY PILLOW (please please Jesus).
And if he didn't sit in my seat as soon as I get up he wouldn't get smothered by my butt on his head. Yay to you liking The Pretender. I had it on really really loud to drown out the ramblings of A and I think it blew out one headphone. Or my right eardrum.

Jess: Oh God really larfing! And I do like the shouty loud ones.......... I got the new AC/DC album...shouty loud and so sexist.. Grrrrreeeaaaaaatttttttttt!

Sadie: Clyde is so sweeeeeeet!

Me: He was being most decidedly UNsweet last night actually. First there was the worm incident, then there was vicious bag attack and then he kept jumping onto the couch where I was sitting like a flying marmoset with its claws out. Which, fyi, are RAZOR sharp and able to penetrate through a thick red blanket and pajama bottoms.When he bought the worms in, me and Sophie were shrieking like wimmins. I had to hold a wormy wet Clyde who looked mighty pissed at Matt for taking his friends away. The second time Matt shut the lounge door because Clyde had bought one into the hallway and Matt couldn't get it off him. All I could think was, worm juice. On our freshly cleaned floor.

Sophie: I think Clyde was feeling deprived as over a week ago we took all his toys away when we cleaned and we didn't bother putting them back until he started making his own games with worms and plastic bags.

Sadie: Spoke to Mum today, she says she was given GBH - the date rape drug - when she had her throatoscopy thingy. Who'd have thought she'd be the female in the family to be given it......
I'm having to work hard again, my forehead looks like it has been ploughed by a 50 stone ox its that furrowed. And I need breakfast.

Sophie: I'm drinking tea and bopping but my bopping stops because they keep playing such ghastly nonsense on this radio station. There is a song called bongos and it just goes "I like to play my bongos in the morning" urghhhhhhhhhfffff. Anyway, I am working really hard too, but you know me, I like to play that aspect down. Wink wink. Is Grandma Joon feeling any better?

Me: Just like Lassie, Clyde is. Using the interpretive worm dance to convey his meaning. Also, Sade, poor you with the hard work and the furrowed brow!!! And the needing of breakfast is most tragic of all! If you were here, I would totally make you a coffee or tea. OR get S to make you a latte. He is really good at making those and can spend up to and including at least half hour on it
Ps. Sophie. I bet Lulu just text you. I just got her standard weekly message (I bet she has saved this into her phones template message folder) - "What are you doing?"

Sophie: Yes. Every week I reply the same "drinking tea and emailing." I'm at work - what does she think I'm doing?! "Well, I am doing interpretations on the bongo song - I LIKE TO DRINK MY TEA IN THE MORNING, I LIKE TO TORTURE KITTENS IN THE EVENING, I LIKE TO PLAY MY BONGOS IN THE KITCHEN."