8 inch cogs

Today I went to Ruths house for her birthday. Her father-in-law, Chris, is seriously one of the funniest dudes ever.

We were sitting on the sofa and Andy, Ruths husband, was saying to his daughter: ‘there are a lot of things you don’t know about grandpa. Ask him about his time in the army.’

Dot (Andys mum): NO DO NOT ASK HIM ABOUT HIS TIME IN THE ARMY

Apparently, at the end of world war 2, Chris was the reason one of the biggest Nato air strikes was called off. Because he was missing. And was found having relations with a woman. A German woman.

Now, I am not sure how much of this is true but what is true is that when he left the army his mum had remarried and moved house. Without telling him.

Chris was telling us about his bike ride to Clapton. And his 8 inch cock.

Andy: COG. 8 inch COG.

Man I got the giggles.

I haven’t seen Ruth for ages so it was really lovely snuggling with her and catching up. She pulled me into another room for a sneaky look at my tattoo. Her mum walked in. Then her Dad walked in. And out again.

Ruth: This is not such a sneaky look.

In other news there is a spot on my chin that it would be a mockery to call a little friend. He is huge. I am 27, this shit is meant to be OVAH.

still awake

oh look, I have blogged about this problema before

tat for tit

So today, for me, I did something kinda big. Nothing like a bucket list or a life list or what not but up there with definitely out of my comfort zone. I got a tattoo. I never really thought I was a person who would get one and, when I did think that maybe I would like one, could never decide what I would get. Or where I would get it.

Do you have that thing where you can be wearing a necklace or bracelet and you can’t get it off and you begin to panic and whether it is an heirloom or not you have the urge to rip it from your being? I have that. So does my sister I believe. And so does my housemate, Mouse. I kinda thought having a tattoo would be similar. That I would one day WANT IT OFF ME.

But. I decided for my 27th birthday, I was going to get a tattoo. A rose, for I am Rosie.

I went to the tattoo shop my pal Alicia recommends on my actual birthday, having psyched myself up. The tattooist I wanted, Chris (who has tattooed Alicia, a tattoo that I like), was not available for a week. No problem. I picked OUT OF THE BOOK OMGSH the design I liked. A simple, open, rose head. And walked out. I was unaware of the absolute controversy and … and… thoughtsss people would have about this. You are most definitely doing it wrong.

I had -

Omg do not get a tattoo
DO NOT get a rose, what is the matter with you?
On your BREAST?
Leaves?? No.
Swirls? No
A RED ONE? No.
Why would a tattooist advertise he does roses? A 3 year old can tattoo that.

On. And on. And on.

Heather recommended the partner of her mate, who tattoos from home. He said he could also do it the same day the shop offered and would email me some designs. I have met this dude at a party, a few parties, and it never once entered my head that, oh, MAY be awkward that he would see my breast. But I liked the idea of him designing it and me choosing and amending it since it seemed a bit simple just to have walked into the shop and picked a standard rose out of the book (omg you picked one from a book and didn’t design it? DOING IT WRONG). Luckily, Alicia convinced me that I should stick with Chris because Chris? My kind of dude.

Anyway. Every night, in bed, I would think CANCEL. What am I doing? Every night.

I had a conversation recently with someone about his paranoia - not full blown paranoia but he will not blog/face book/link in. He does not like people knowing where he is. I said that I am an anxious person. That I do not turn my phone off just in case. He was like - that is paranoia! And I could not explain that, no. No it is not. I told him that whenever he calls me (he is a work colleague) I think it will be to tell me off. That if a police car drives past me they will pull me over. Sadly this is not an anxiety that makes you not eat. Well, not all of the time. I could not have put anything in my mouth this morning to save my life. Anyway, so. Last night. All nights leading up to this. The anxiety! Oh. The anxiety.

Heather was meeting me at mine at 10am today. I was pacing by 9.50 and in the end had to tell her I had to start walking to the shop and she could meet me there. I walked into the shop and met Chris, my tattooist, who is like a Hells Angel coupled with a Hairy Biker. Everything *I* think a tattooist should be. He was like, alright love, I am just gonna have a cigarette and will be right with you.

Chris is the owner of the parlour I went to. As he walked off, another tattooist out front asked where I was getting my rose.

Me: On my breast, here.
Him: *Sucks in his teeth and pulls a face*
Me:….. Did you really just do that moments before my tattoo?
Him: Better to be honest, right, than I hear you screaming that I am a lying bastard.
Me: … I… guess. I thought boobs are painless to tattoo though as they are mainly fat.
Him: People lie. I had my chest done and it hurt. And so did my butt.
Me: …..

Just then, Heather walked in. I showed her the design I had chosen.

H: Er… well.. It is a bit… big.
Me: Are you really saying this to me now?
H: Well, I thought you were thinking of adding to it if you liked it…
Me: Yeh, maybe, but remember my breasts are huge so on you a small flower would look nice, on me? A spot.
H: Yeh but…hmm. Also, why red? I think pink.
Me: NO. NO NO NO NO NO. We are NOT doing this now. I am DONE. I want a simple fucking flower not the freaking Mona Lisa and if you don’t shut up I am going to get … get (looking around for inspiration) a gigantic Jesus face on my back.

The other tattooist looked at me.

Him: What is wrong with Jesus?
Me: Lordy. Literally. Nothing. I just am not so keen on the religious tattoo.
Him: I have a cross on my arm
Me: That’s fine, I am just not so keen on faces
Him: I have a face on this arm (shows me a day of the dead face)
Me: Well. That is kinda cool. Ok. I am not keen on names really, either.
Him: I have a name on my butt
Me: HAHA! Ok. I am going to shut up now.

The moral of the story is, get whatever tattoo you want. You love it and have thought it through? That is ALLLLLL that matters.

Chris: Are you ready?
Me: Yep.

I follow him to the back, through another tattooists room and a dude getting tattooed.

Chris: So, you are going to have to.. strip then.
Me: Brilliant!
Chris: And the bra!
Me: At the risk of cliché… normally I have a drink at this point. Or a few.

So he applied the transfer of the rose I had picked and asked me to look in the mirror. I wasn’t sure. Thought it should be moved over a little. But seemingly I do not like inconveniencing people, even in this kind of situation. He looked at my face. ‘Should we move it over a bit?’ Me - YES PLEASE.

We had a chat about the design. I asked whether he liked it.
Chris: Yes. It is a cute simple rose.
Me: Because did you know how controversial this was to get? I mean, I thought once you made up your mind you were getting a tattoo and what YOU wanted, hard part out of the way.

I explained that people were all OMG A ROSE HOW LAME.

Chris: People are such snobs. Genuine tattooists and people who love tattoos are not really like that. They think get what you love.
Me: Yeh. I think it is like naming your baby. Don’t tell anyone what you are naming it because SOMEONE will have an opinion / know someone awful with that name / think of an awful nickname etc.
Chris: The only part of this rose I am not so keen on are the swirly bits. They are too.. meh.
Me: Eh, I can take em or leave em.
Chris: I just think if you are going to have a tattoo be a WOLF about it, not a DOG. So, have massive swirly bits, not … pointless little bits.

I lay on his couch. This is where anxiety kicked in again. Anticipation. I give blood as much as I can. I HATE the finger prick test you have first. I hate giving someone my finger and waiting for the click. I start pulling my finger away. The actual giving blood part I do not mind. Lying on his couch, that is how I felt. Inching towards the wall. He got a little towel and covered my other boob and the boob he was going to tattoo’s nipple. ‘To preserve your dignity.’ Me: ‘Few years too late.’ He scrunched up some tissue and put it on top of my boob (to wipe blood as he went) (serious, who would do this to themselves?) and at THAT moment I was THIS near to being all NUUUU UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SEEEES YAAAAAA. Luckily I am also a coward so could not say it.

Chris: Are you ready?
Me: We will see, ay.

And he started.

….

…

…

Him: How you doing?
Me: …. Fine…..

We had a lovely chat. I made him laugh a few times (don’t make them laugh. That is an inky needle next to your person).

20 minutes later…

Him: Are you alright?
Me: … Yeh.
Him: Why did you say it like that?
Me: Because, I don’t want to be cocky or anything, or in case the real pain is just about to start when you colour it in BUT…

….

….

I feel NOTHING.

Him: Good.
Me: No. Serious. Like. Nothing. Like you are drawing with a biro maybe.
Him: I AM!
Me: ….
HIM: JOKE!

Side bar -

Me: So, do you like the colours of this rose then?
Him: Yeh, I do... Do you?
Me: Yes. Its just... so... I am slightly colour blind...
Him: OMG OMG OMG OMG ! SERIOUS? Oh! Oh! LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Me: So, I think it is green, red and yellow but.. it is, right?
Him: HAHAHAHHHAHAHAH. Yes, dear, it is lovely.

So. It lasted about an hour. Under I would say. Was completely painless and I loved it.

Other staff did come into the room and go about their business and at one point the guy I had the chat with in the waiting room was all: ‘coffee Chris?’ and Chris was all ‘lovely thanks!’. And he walked past into the next room.

Me: Serious. Is my boob out in your kitchen?
Chris: Don’t worry. I have covered your nipple.
Me: Great. 1% covered then!
And then we both got the giggles.

Chris: Ok, so in a couple of hours wash it with a sensitive / antibacterial wash and cover it with nappy rash cream.
Me: Should I cover it with something?
Chris: No, don't keep it covered. That would be a crying shame, they are great boobs!
Me: Thanks!

Some people could say that and I would be all, inappropriate, but Chris was telling me about his partner and how he tattoos her (in those standard flowers and butterflies and ooo a unicorn! But as long as she is happy) so it was just.... nice.

We walked out to reception where Heather and the other tattooist were.

Heather: Alright? Did it hurt?
Me: Well, I feel bad saying this in front of him (other tattooist) but… yeh. Completely painless. Didn’t know he had started.

Other tattooist: Must be because I am more of an A cup and he was… like hitting bone or .. something.

So, currently, 13 hours later, I still love it. And what they say is true. It is addictive. I am already thinking of adding to it. A boob sleeve. A bleeve. TRADEMARK!

easin in gently

This year, our Christmas tree was the one my housemate, Mouse, had kept alive from last year. Yes, it had a few dead bare branches but he is a little survivor and it seemed mean leaving him out in the cold when his purpose was to also be Christmas tree 2011.

I packed away Christmas yesterday. Took down the Christmas cards, Christmas figures, threw out the holly… and repotted the tree back outside. When we bought our tree in I was told to do it in hourly stages so he could acclimatise to the inside. That seemed mental so we bought him, covered him in tinsel and hoped for the best. Putting him back outside I did think, hmm, this MAY send him into shock. Centrally heated house and whatnot. And then I thought nahhhh. And put him outside. Today was the most rainy day I have seen for a while.

A: Just pop down to the Co-op now.
Me: POP DOWN?! Have you looked outside?! I would need a frickin ark!

…. My tree may not make Christmas 2012.

On the upside, I tidied my garden. Me and Mouse, Mouse and I, spent a lot of time in the garden last Spring / Summer. Planted some lovely herbs, grew plants from seeds, seeded the lawn, grew and ate the most delicious tomatoes… unfortunately we live with Cat who is a hoarder. The full extent of what has been happening in our garden during these wintery, weathery months was only apparent when I decided it was definitely time to compost the tomato plants. I am pretty sure they were almost compost anyway…

We have a side passage to our garden. This is where our bins are kept. And, seemingly, Steptoes second yard.

Thing I found:

The massive plastic box of dog biscuits our elderly neighbour gave us as her dog did not like them. Funny that, what with them teaminggg with moths. She sprayed them with insect killer and passed them on to us…. And…. Cat kept them. Apparently she was too embarrassed to through them away in case the neighbour found out. I had no such problem. I then used the empty box to collect and store….
Many, many paint brushes, cans of paint (giving you some idea how big this box of moths biscuits was
At least 5 broken chairs
A bucket of wet sand and a pile of firewood
An old door
2 table tops; 1 marble, 1 plastic
An old picture in a frame with broken glass

I also found a MONSTROSITY. We used to have small green food / garden waste bins, until they were replaced with massive garden waste bins, which are much more useful. Cat has an allotment. When we had the little bin it was used for unwanted food. Mouldy food. Leftovers. Garden waste. Cat said she would take this bin to the allotment and empty it in the compost bin. This was a while ago. Enough time ago for the food in the bin to have liquefied and formed a whole new world. A world of the worst smell imaginable. A world of maggots. Rot. Mould. Once I had finished heaving, I took the bin down the mud track next to our house. Far enough away that I would not smell it on the breeze and fall down dead. I tipped that mother over and ran like the wind, heaving all the way home.

I could not look at Cat for a few hours. I had to go out for some wine.

I used to watch a programme called The Life of Grime. I would come in from the late shift at work, make dinner and that is what was on tv. Nigh on every time I would wonder why I put it on whilst eating. You wonder how these peoples lives, rooms, houses end up like that. I think it just builds. I think they store something in a place and fill it up. Get overwhelmed dealing with it so shut the room instead. It doesn’t help that they choose to go out with people who have similar hoarding habits. I am pretty sure her boyfriend encourages the hoarding. This is the difference between us. Mine encourage whoreing, hers encourages the collection of old pail handles from woods to make ‘tree ornaments.’

I am very aware that I have not written in this blog for ages. Which is a shame because I read some posts about my family and they still make me laugh remembering them. It has been a year and many things have happened. My nephew was born, possibly being the most awesome. But I need to ease back into this with the little things on my mind now. Like how I am going to manage to clear a scrap yard from my garden. Anyone for a game of scrapheap challenge?!

bank holiday weekend

I am going to Cyprus in 5 days and I can't wait. EXHAUSTED. Although the bank holiday weekend was super fun. On Friday I went to the gym with Heather. That was not the super fun part, although I do enjoy the body pumping. Because Heather broke me. And I nearly broke myself by forgetting to lower the weight amount on my bar and bicep curling more weights than the instructor. I was like, this is unusually hard today.. wait... why do I have 4 weights on mine and everyone else only 2? I could barely lift my wine glass in the pub that evening.

Heather is a mystery shopper and, randomly, she was asked to mystery shop our local pub. You get a selection of drinks you are allowed to order and each is judged accordingly. My Pimms with the brown slice of lemon and lime scored prettyyyyy low.

Then on Saturday I went to Lakeside with her. Managed to buy 2 black dresses in the Dorothy Perkins sale. £6 each. Although it is a bit ridiculous as I am going to Cyprus where it is 37 degrees with a humidity of 79%.

We bought some wine in the supermarket to sit on her balcony with. Standing next to her in the queue. Both buying the same bottle of wine. I get served, no problem. SHE gets IDed. And SHE is older than me. I was all WHOA WHOA WHOA. WHY are you not ID-ing me???? And the server as like, er, cos you look old. Me - BRILLIANT. THANK YOU. HEATHER. WE NEED MORE WINE. What a knob.

On Sunday I body pumped AGAIN and then went to Sophies house to see baby Megs who is very very cute. Sophie showed me baby Fabes new clothes, as we found out he was a boy on Thursday. THOROUGHLY exciting. His wardrobe currently consists of a flat cap, a kermit outfit and some gold converse. Kids gonna rock.

On Monday I went into London with Ma, Pa and Lol. We went to the pub. Which was lovely. It is called the Fishmongers Arms. Actually. That could be wrong. It is the one opposite St Pauls, on the other side of the Thames, at the end of Embankment. It is lovely in there and you can sit outside and look moodily across the water.

We walked to St Pauls. It is perhaps where my gmas ashes will be scattered. The gardens are beautiful. Gma loved London and we would all like somewhere we can go to remember her. Not that she will be far from our minds.

At her funeral the minister had speeches from us all; memories about gma. It was beautiful. Although I lost it when the minister said June was a proud mother to ... A proud Grandmother to... and a proud great Grandmother to baby Danny and the bump. It really hit home then that she had gone. She was a massive presence in our family and a constant source of amusement. I remember calling her to tell her... I had a job or had got my A'level results or something. And she was all, that's lovely dear but I have another call waiting. I know that doesn't sound funny but it is, to me, because that is what she was like. Like a hummingbird flitting from one thing to the next. Mainly from people we didn't know to the *whisper* lesbians to the other people we didn't know to *whisper* the doctors husband who turned out to be gay.

When me and Sophie wrote our families memories about Gma we really laughed at all the things she used to say, all her stories. We told our aunt we had to curb what we said as we couldn't let a minister say gay and lesbian and whatnot in church. Her stories were pretty scandalous. My aunt said yes, she wanted to say that she admired her mothers ability to walk into a room and within minutes identify who was gay, who was straight and who was having an affair with whom. "Hello dear, hello dear, WELL HELLO DUCKY, hello dear..."

I got a litte emotional at St Pauls. There was a tiny moment where I wished I was the kind of person who prayed at church. My friend G told me he prays sometimes in the chapel of the hospital he works in. Then mum broke the moment by laughing when I said, look at that squirrel burying his nuts. Me - seriously. Did you just laugh? Mum - I will ALWAYS think it is funny when someone says look at that squirrel burying his nuts.

We then walked to St Brides church. It was the church of the Fleet Street printers. It was locked though so we could only walk round the outside. Then mum wanted to see the Pudding Lane memorial. It was quite impressive. I have photos. I wish I could be bothered to upload them. You could walk up it but mum has put her foot down with a firm hand and decided that indeed it IS only retarded farmers who walk up hundreds of steps (quote from the film, In Bruges). The memorial is a tall statue with a gold acorn type thing on top. I said it should be a burning cupcake. Something a bit more relevant.

We parked in the station carpark. When we got back to my car I realised the passanger door was unlocked. That car is ALWAYS unlocked. Once I left it in a pub car park with the keys in the ignition. No one joy rid it. Says a lot about my car.

Work again today and my boss had done all his work. Which meant I came in to a MOUNTAIN of notes and letters and paper on my desk. Literally, a stack of about 40 notes...

Cyprus. 35 degrees. 4 days.

team 'wtf get out the bathroom' appaz

Just home from watching Twilight: Eclipse. It was good. Team Wolf or Team Cullen? Me and Lulu discussed on the way home. I say Team Cullen because when they change you into a vampire you become fabulous. Otherwise it is really just a battle as to who is hotter, Jacob or Edward. And both have their points. Although I am more drawn to hot wolf than cold vamp.

Considering me and Lulu were out all evening, I really do not see why both my brothers chose the minute we walked in the door to hog the bathroom. Espesh when I needed to pee. I don't remember, from living at home previously, either brother having an extensive face care regime. I don't even really remember them washing their faces, let alone both heading into the bathroom with hands full of products. Jeez.

Amusing moment of the night, for me, was getting my bag checked at the door of the cinema. My gym bag. After a class of legs bums and tums. There was a moment when he looked at the sports bra and couldn't decide whether to search further or stop. I think he chose the right option for all of us and waved me on in 2.5 seconds.

My stomach muscles were aching from crunching. As I said to Sophie, What did this woman think I was ? The Crunch master? But as Sophie said, I've never done a crunch in my life so after 2 I was gonna start being pissed.

I had my first complaint letter from a patient today. It was pretty annoying since it wasn't my fault that another secretary didn't get back to him. My boss wrote a letter that was basically to that effect. As I typed it from his dictaphone I wanted to go hug him. I am finally working for someone that sticks up for me. Its pretty great to know that you never have to explain yourself; that he knew that I had done my best. That's pretty major.

Also, busting a gut (poss literally, jury out until morning) means being allowed a tub of popcorn for dinner, right? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Good night.

downward dog

Yoga class tonight. You cannot even believe how much it makes you sweat. At one point we all had to get into a position that required you lean both hands on the mirrors. Oh yes, my sweaty hands on a slippery surface.It did throw my calm breathing off somewhat.

I actually find yoga harder than body pump. Although today some woman on the train was super rude to me because I shut the window because I was getting rained on. I was all prepared to be rude back and all DONT MESS WITH ME BITCH I BODY PUMP!! But luckily it didnt come to that as she looked at my pumped arms (glaring face) and totally apologised. Oh yeaa I gotta get me some of thattttttt (The sit up song from body pump. Not the Evita song which is for arm pumping).

Today there was A MOUSE in our reception. In our Harley Street reception. Luckily the only patient who noticed it did not speak English so the other patients were moved to consulting rooms and it was removed. Awesome.

16

So anyways. I survived legs bums and tums. I ENJOYED the ache from it. Body pump on Sunday, however, almost killed me.

Legs bums and tums was quite hard because the instructor was crazy fast and I am crazy uncoordinated. Body Pump was relatively easy compared. Basically you have weights and a weight bar thing – no idea what the technical name for the bar with weights on either end is called – and you pump to the music. Haha. Sounds rude. Anyways. I quite liked this class. Until afterwards. We went for a nice swim and I couldn’t lower myself into the pool. And the next day I couldn’t do stairs. Or walk. I almost had to ride the train to the end of the line because I couldn’t get off it. I am still feeling uber thigh ache now. And I am going back on Friday. Madness.

Today I even bought some proper gym leggings. My previous gym clothes were mens joggers because they have pockets, and womens don’t, for my iPod. Now I just talk to Heather. Or, you know, listen to her yelling INCREASE THE INCLINE!!

The leggings are from M&S. I went to try them on and the queue was massive. Luckily I was wearing my patented shopping outfit – skirt, leggings, vest, slip on shoes. This outfit means that you can try pretty much any item of clothing on without queueing for a changing room. Although I admit, taking my leggings off on the shop floor today was the most audacious I have ever been.

There was quite a large lady also looking at the M&S gym range. I was buying from there because I know they have big sizes and they are ok priced. Not from any particular know how or whatnot. So she starts asking my advice. And I’m all.. uh.. dude.. I dunno. Basically I am getting a cropped pair because I did yoga the other day and tripped over the long bottoms on my joggers whilst doing downward dog. And in black because it matches my trainers. She was all, oh. Um. But what do you think of these? And she held up a grey pair. Now, Heather told me not to get grey because of the sweating issue and it showing through. So this lady was all, putting these back then! And what about these? And I was all, srsly, dude. WTF. Look at my butt. It clearly does not know much about gyms. NOT YET ANYWAY.

One of the additional benefits of the gym is that it stops you eating ‘bad’ food. My office is junk food central. Cookies here, brownies there. Now I am all DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE TO MARCH ON AN INCLINE TO WEAR THAT OFF?? MY THIGHS DID NOT SUFFER FOR A COOKIE. You bet your ass when I break this diet it will be for something worthwhile.

This evening I made a delicious spaghetti bolognaise. Mum was all, this is delicious. I did not know you could cook. But I am pretty sure everyone knew that I can cook the shit out of a packet of mince. This spag bol had tomatoes, courgettes, aubergines, onions, mushrooms and peppers and kidney beans. It was too too healthy and yum.

I ate it whilst watching a Gok Wan programme in mum and dads room. Lulu came in and wedged herself on the bed between them. Then she said: “Gok would just dress me naked since every part of me is hot.” Haha. Then she did a big sneeze and Dad said: “Gosh. That was so big I almost fell off of the bed."

peaceful

I think that one of my least favourite things in life is bitchy women. Especially bitchy women in the workplace. He said she said I SAID WE ARE NOT 16 ANY MORE BITCHES, JEEZ.

Living at home is going well. I have started drinking coffee in the morning before work with ma and pa. Or, rather:
Mum: Mark, make Ro a coffee
Dad: WHY DON’T I GET FUCKING STARBUCKS TATTOOED ON MY FOREHEAD.

It was Lulus 18th birthday evening last night. She got quite a bit of money and there was champagne and cake. She was happy. I dropped Sophie and Matt home. Matt bought out my big furry mate Clyde to say hello. I miss that mad furry bastard.

Mum and Dad have taken her to Scotland for the weekend. I am dog sitting. I decided to leave work early and have a nice afternoon with them. Obviously today is the day I forgot my keys. Had to trek to get my brothers keys and by the time I’d got thebus back home there was really not much of the afternoon left. Met G in the park. He told me last weekend that he would love to walk a dog and I was all.. easily arranged dude. We lay flat in a field for about an hour. Peaceful.

hillbilly rock

I have moved back home for a bit until I move in with friends. So far it is working out ok.

Things I have heard:

STOP PISSING ON MY RHUBARB!

The box says you can leave a thin layer on overnight, or a fat layer on for 10 minutes. I am leaving a medium layer on for 5 hours because I do not follow the rules.

As well as this, my washing is done every night, my little sister makes evening cups of tea and my mum cooked a delicious lamb curry for dinner.

liberated

Sophie: Did anyone other than Ro and I watch 'Crimewatch'?
They caught these old dudes printing almost perfect replica bank notes. They ranged in age from 60 – 80 . I was really gutted that they got caught.
Murder, rape and pillagery doesn’t get 10 months surveillance work. 5 old boys trying to con the government and make a fortune did though.

Sadie: Laughing! I hope I'm that active and inventive when I'm 80!

Sophie: Let’s face it…. You aren’t now. What’s gonna change?

Sadie: Cruel. And untrue. I'm very inventive when it comes to work avoidance, morning avoidance and generally any effort avoidance

Me: We were also watching 'The One Show' last night. It was about what has liberated women. Answer? The washing machine.
"Me: Well. That's pushing it a little. Not equality then?"
Anyways, Apparently in ye olden days, women got up at 4 to do their washing because they had to hang it up by midday otherwise other women on the block thought they were lazy.
Sophie: " WHAT. I'd be all LADIES LADIESSSSSSSSSS"

Sadie: LAUGHING! I'd be hanging mine up at midnight then when the other ladies were all getting up at 4 I'd mention some of us had got up at 2 in the morning to do our washing.

Sophie: I don’t understand why they had no common sense between them. I’d have just been like ‘let’s not be hating on each other. Let’s all have a lie in and sort this out together at a reasonable time’
They were all good mates with the neighbours in thems days.
... I think this has affected me deeply.

Jess: LAUGHING!!!
So! I've discovered I was missing a bra wire...so I've realised it's that wots caught in my machine...so...I've borrowed ally's ratchet spanner set as I don't have any spanners/ratchets and tonight I am going to attempt to take the back off my washer and see if I can find the wire.....this will be monumental proof of how it sucks big time to be fu**ing liberated....

Sadie: Ah! The old bra wire in the machine trick. Happened to me in Swindon, but it didn't break the machine so I just ignored it. Also it wasnt my machine, so I couldnt have given a flying f*ck.
Yup, it sucks to be liberated.

Sophie: At least it will be less hexpensive though. I accidentally put a platinum silver and pink diamond cubic zirconia pendant in ours the other day and it has been irrevocably damaged.

Jess: I haven't done it yet.....dad says I won't be able to get to it from the back.*sigh* I can feel a major FAIL coming on...meanwhile Ally has washed all my tops for me...undies and sock shi* to do by hand tonight... *wow*

Sophie: Well. This absolute nutttttt case just called me.

Me: HAHA! Oh dearrrrrrrrr. God. Me and the crazies here are having a music competition. Who can play theirs loudest. Blatantly I am going to win since they only appear to have elvis in their collection.
Just cleaned the bathroom. Stood in the bath to clean the shower. Somehow turned shower on. Am soaked.

Sophie: Hey dude, I brought you a new mascara as a cleaning present. Good times.

Jess: AW that's nice.

Sophie: She earnt it…
Tee hee
Our house was MINGING
M I N G I N G
Apart from my cleaning lots of mould from bathroom blind, front door and hallway skirting boards. All those areas were sparkling.
And an outside cupboard. Just one mind. Where we store the alcohol. I displaced a good few spiders.
The other one is Matt’s cupboard of Potential Death and Hell. Ro and I keep the hoover and mop there and the rest is matt’s OCD collection of electrical goods boxes. In case some day we may need the cardboard box the cd player came in.

Me: I cleaned the lounge, including skirting boards and picture rails.
Mould : Behind wall hanging and in corner of room.
Spiders : 3

I cleaned the kitchen, including cleaning out all the cupboards, on TOP of the cupboards, and the fridge
Mould : Loads but mainly behind fridge and pulling that out was above and beyond.
Spiders : 2

Hallway : Skirting rail
Mould : None cos SOphie did it.
Spiders : 1

My Bedroom : Including all under the bed and behind cupboards
Mould : Back of cupboard
Spiders :1
Dead Birds : 0
Rat : 0

Bathroom :

.. Im bored of this. But the point is. There are spiders everywhere, which i leave, YOU'RE WELCOME JESUS and mould. And I have finally finished and do not have any more cleaning to do which is a relief because seriously, 4 days worth is a lot.

Also, spookily, I opened Matt's outside cupboard and his Wii box fell on me and the kitty litter and whatnot and I was all.. shall I?? And then 7 spiders fell off the mop and I quickly locked the door and RAN AWAY

Sadie: Laughing LAUGHING!
Dude, thats a lot of hard work, and a lot of spiders. And mould, a lot of mould. But at least you scored nil on the whole dead bird/rat/hedgehog/rattlesnake/chicken/fox area.
Ange keeps her cardboard boxes too - mostly on the lounge floor. I found one in her cupboard for her 8 year old iron. Wjen I asked her why, she wouldnt look me in the eye, just shuffled her feet and mumbled something about if she ever had to move.....something to pack it in...........protect it from things........
Silliness.

Me: OMG. That is pretty bad. I do NOT have the hoarder gene and am capable of chucking things willy nilly. it is something dad frowns on greatly because omg what if you just NEED a cable that was for your 1980s walkman or whatnot.

Sophie: For some peculiar reason my email deletes sadie’s messages. Or they are going in to a black hole. Because I see them , then they go. Velly strange.
That box keeping thing is so crazy. 8 yr old iron box tops the biccie though!

Sadie: Have you 'ruled' mine to spam? Cos, you know man, thats a bit rude.

you can wash the outside...

I came home from a nice evening out to find Matt leaning out my bedroom window. I was all, gosh. What is HE doing. That is nowhere NEAR the underwear drawer. But then I came in the front door and found Sophie hiding in the kitchen because apparently there was a RAT trapped in my bedroom.
David and Matt got to do a bit of manly bonding and worked together to get the rat out. Of COURSE my fluffy dressing gown had to be used.
This was a traumatic experience for mainly the rat and Sophie though as I didn't see the rat once and by the time I'd made a cup of tea, it had gone.

THEN my friend Ruth came over for dinner. Matt went to bed. Me and Ruth and Sophie stayed up drinking and, at 1am, I made my merry way to my room.
Me: Clyde!
Me: Clyde.. You've MALTED everywhere. You've malted black FEATHERS everywhere.... oh noooooes.
Me: MATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Matt removed the dead bird buried in my bed but I did not sleep comfortably that night. The next day started a whole week cleaning of the house including skirting boards, picture rails and cleaning windows.

We fondly remember the days it was just worms he bought in. And I do not even want to HEAR that those animals were gifts.

spring shambles

Friday:

My mate David asked me if I wanted to go to Spitalfields with him. I was all.. yeah. Guess so. Had a lovely day wandering in the sunshine. The only thing I have against David.. actually, against is the wrong word, especially since it is kinda amusing.. is that he takes some things really literally... We were looking at all the CD's available and he picked up a Jeff Buckley one. I was all, do you reckon it'll have Alexandra singing Hallelujah on it? (Blatantly I am aware Jeff died years ago and Alex won X Factor and realised her version about a month ago). And David is all, yeah righttttt I don't thinkkkkkk sooooo. *looks at me like I'm an idiot* As I said: Dave, swear to God, it is lucky you are cute.

Saturday:

Such beautiful weather lately that we went for a walk to soak up as much sun as we could. Went to our local park. Back fields empty of people. Sat in the sun eating our sandwiches. Walk to the main part of the park, near to the carpark. SWARMS of people. Half of London. Bizarre that they choose to be in such close proximity to each other when the majority must spend their days crammed like sardines on buses and trains. Daffodils out in force. Found my camera (YES!). Sophie took some lovely arty shots. Asked Matt to go pose in them. Matt stands in them like a dork. Ask him to hide his coke bottle. FLINGS it. Unexpected.
Came home and had a nap. Reapplied makeup as thought David was coming over. Scarf down some pasta with Sophs. David cancels. Watch shit tv instead. Very enjoyable.

Sunday:

Waiting outside some sports EMPORIUM for Matt to choose a pair of football boots:

Lulu: Can I have a pound please? I want to buy a 99.

Me: Yeah.. are 99's a pound then?

Lulu: Don't be a dickhead *walks off to ice cream van*

Me: *to Sophie* I just didn't think they'd only be 99p is all

Sophie: She'll be back in a minute...

Lulu: *Not at all embarrassed* Can I have another pound please?

Me: HAHA

Ambulance man nearby: Haha!

Sophie: Ro, you should go after him. Fit AND useful

Then we got bored waiting for Matt so we went to Homebase to get some ant killer (I know, all laughs round ours). And I stupidly asked the inbred INBRED INBREDIST person in the whole world to point us in the direction of the poison. He took us to the correct aisle. THEN I stupidly asked if ant killer was harmful to cats. (Although would take a JUGGERNAUT to harm Clyde). And he was all, I'll get on the phone to pest control. AND he asked his colleague to help him. His colleague who was definitely DEFINITELY his inbred brother. ANYWAYS half an hour later... they shambled over and one guy was like, no no no no no it's not harm harm harmful to CATS but don't don't don't put it put it it it
Me: All over the cat?
Him: NO! No no no don't do that...
Sophie and Lulu: *Turning their backs to us*

Then Matt finally picked a pair of trainers...

Me: Oh THANK GOD.... do you want a burger?

Matt: I'd LOVE a BURGER

Sophie: HAHA did you think he'd be all, no..

Me: No. I mean, who WOULDN'T want a dirty burger out of a van in a carpark next to a motorway.

Then Matt was a bit worried the guy wouldn't offer him onions but he did. Which was a relief.

Sophie cooked a deeeee licious beef and ale pie for dinner and we watched ER whilst Matt did his homework. ER is proper depressing man. Killing people off in the first 5 minutes.. jeez. We also watched Come Dine With Me because we are into shit tv. WHERE do they get such mentals from? Amusing.

epic fail

Dad: Shhhhhhhhh. Don't tell anyone.....

Sophie: HAHA

Sadie: Mean. MEAN. But at least we got it half way up the sta..................OK, OK, epic fail.

Me: WHATEVER! We are wimmins not beefcakes. Which is lucky as we had to slide past that gap to get downstairs and to the pub. It was like, worst fears realised going past that - thought I was going to get stuck and be there forever.

Sadie: What Rosie means is we glided past it. Glided and shimmied I tell you.

Me: So, we got the wardrobe stuck up the stairs and Sadie was all, OK! THAT didn't work!! Let's go to the dump instead. So we lug the heaviest tv in the WHOLE WORLD down the street to my car. Manage to wedge it in the boot. Think have locked keys in mote as can't find them, haven't. Get in car. Get ready to go. Realise left something in house. Go back in. Get back in car. Go to dump. Dump closed.
ME: What shall we do now?
Sadie: Red wine.
ME: OK!
Epic fail. Epic. I mean, not to the red wine. We did that REAL well.

Sadie: Rosie said red wine. I said a nice cup of tea, and I only went with the whole red wine idea because the pub didnt serve cups of tea.

Me: Slander

Dad: F the removal

Sophie: Haha!

the lion, the witch and the wedged 'drobe

So. The wardrobe. I get to Sadie's where this big old wardrobe is in the hall. She's taken the bannister off and we are ready to go!!! Managed to get it half way before wedging it. Luckily there was enough room, once it had been pushed to the side, for me to get passed and down the stairs. I had to slowly edge past it and can I just say, WORST NIGHTMARES REALISED as at one point I got stuck and thought I was going to be left in the dark behind a wardrobe until I died. Frickin scary.
So then Sadie was all, ok. Forget the wardrobe. We'll take the t.v to the dump. Load the heaviest tv in the world into my car. Get to the dump. Dump closed. OH OF COURSE IT IS!
Me: Ok. What should we do now?
Sadie: Pub?
Me: Let's go.

Also, she has had to text my father and ask him to help her shift it and not mention to ANYONE that the wimmins got a wardrobe lodged up the stairs. I'd say about 2 minutes later she received numerous texts from relatives asking about whether she needed a quote to remove a wardrobe. Most amusing.

what's occurring?

Again with the not updating. And the being made redundant. Plus I lost my phone. That is because it doesn't rain IT SHITS ON YOUR HEAD.
Here is an update via email:

Me: Came in this morning to my formal redundancy letter :(
Ruth came round last night with pizza and wine so at least had a lovely evening.
...Sophie ruined it a little by coming home and puking like a mule.

Sophie: Hello, I am at home this day. Feeling a tad better now. Just stomach aches and rumbles. Very embarrassing. Think I got food poisoning from a Hoisin Duck Wrap from Tesco cos when I was eating it I thought 'this tastes funny'. I thought I was never going to get home. Was sick along B Ave, inside 51 B Ave a few times(had to keep it quiet from mum and dad because didnt want them worrying before they go on hol), at Southgate station a couple of times, In Southgate Mcdonalds a couple of times. Then I started crying. IN THE STREET. Just so embarrassing. Thought I was never going to get home and be able to puke in my own toilet ALL EVENING.
Would like to say I cleaned and bleached all loos involved but sadly for commuters this morning I did not clean the streets.
I would also like to add the puking was not the worst part there were other worse horrors that I can't face going in to.
Thank God Matt was there because I would probably still be slumped against a wall somewhere around Southgate. I haven't managed to wash yet because I'm thinking that I might be sick in hot steam. URGHHHHHHHH

Jess: Oh poor Sophie!!!!
I hope you are feeling better hon...that's a shi88y thing to happen!!! It certainly sounds like F.P, bless nasty thing to happen..

Me: Just adding to the puke along our road by the pubs innit.
Hope it IS food poisoning as if I am sick on my weekend I'll be kinda upset.

Jess: Rosie that's not being very supportive....if you ARE sick this weekend it will burn off the PIZZA you had.

Sophie: So not worth the day off work!! Does anyone have any good news?!!!! This is where you need Lulu to cheer you up. Apparently her 'of' and 'off' spelling test was real.
Actually, good news is that Ruth is very sweet. I text her yesterday morn to say that Ro had some bad news and might need a hug/drink and I got a reply 2 mins later saying "I'll be round at 7 with the non-healthy options".

Sadie: Bless

Me: HAHA! Mmmmm minstrels.

Jess: Poor Soph! No good news, but good news that I'm not 'puking like a mule' as Ro so delicately put, and not redundant(so far). We need something nice to happen girls. If anyone wants coffee tomorrow let me know.

Me: She was.

Jess: Very good expression!

Sophie: Me: Matt I'm sooooooo embarrassed.
Matt: Don't worry, nobody noticed.
What a lovely liar. I would like a coffee

Jess: Ar he's sweet!! OK. Lovely to coffee

Me: HAHA! Oh well. I always think, eh, I'm NEVER going to be the most disgusting person on public transport puking or not.
Clyde made Ruth laugh A LOT last night. He was sitting staring up at the wall at something (dead people) and then would LEAP up as high as he could (few cm's) and stretch out his paws. For AGES he did that (2 minutes) and then EXHAUSTION made him lie on the sofa with her. Until she petted him and then he jumped down, looked at her with disgust, and went to his basket. Seconded to coffee. Although at some point I've been volunteered to walk the dogs whilst ma and pa are in Bruges.
Can have a look in Next for some interview trousers. Deep joy.

Sadie: Laughing!

Jess: I love that cat!!!!
Oh I'll walk the dogs wiv you!!

Sophie: Me too.

Sadie: Sophs, hope you're feeling better now. I want coffee, and I want to walk the dogs, but I also need some help.
Wardrobe turned up out of the blue last night, man said he took a chance even though he hadnt booked it with me. I hadnt taken the bannister off so couldnt attempt to get it upstairs. So I need someone to help me get it up the stairs.
And also I need Rosie to take me to the dump. Not to dump me you understand, though to be fair I am a bit creaky and some bits dont work so good no more. Its the TV in my front garden, and the bust bread machine that gotta go.
Pretty please.

Sophie: IT HURTS TO LAUGH! Tee hee. I will help. Not that strong though. I think wardrobe pushing is the job for an ox...

Me. If you 2 aren't aware, she is referring to me and the time we were in the kebab shop and the kebab man said I was like an ox. She is very RUDE even though I have been very sympathetic to her malady. FRIED EGGS sophie FRIED EGGS

Jess: Oh funny!!!

Sophie: That is so cruel. Just managed to shower. Feels so good.

Me: HIGH FIVE!!! Try managing a hoover!! Is good for recovery :) Fried eggs are the WORST thing to think of when you feel sick. Yuk. Fried eggs. Who wants to think of fried eggs when they are feeling vomitous? Noone, that's who.

Jess: Heh heh

Sophie: WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THEM??

Sadie: Really REALLY laughing! Poor Sophie, she needs sympathy not cruel (but hilarious) comments.

Jess: FFD!!!!! Really laughed at that!

Sophie: I'm glad you lot can see the funny side. Makes me feel so much better.

Me: Ruth is an occupational therapist. She would probably also suggest some soothing cooking. Perhaps around 7pm.

Jess: Funny!!

Sophie: Think I would die unfortunately. Had to lie down after shower. What a pity.

Jess: Yes im not sure we're up to lifting wardrobes up stairs?

Sadie: Its not really heavy, I lifted it out of the man with a van's van, with the man with the van.

Sophie: Was the man with the van called Stan?

Sadie: I didn't catch his name as we didn't formally introduce ourselves. I shagged him anyway.

Sophie: Shocking. Look at this email:
From: Kendra at Tesco
Dear Miss S,
We've noticed that you haven't placed a grocery shop with us for a while, and we hope that we haven't let you down.
Please don't forget how easy and convenient it is to shop online. All the purchases you've made online and in-store are still kept in 'My Favourites'.
And because we'd really like to welcome you back, we'll give you £7.50 off your next grocery order when you spend £75 or more.
So why not let us do your shopping for you again soon?
Best wishes,
Kendra

From: Sophie

Dear Kendra,

Haven't shopped online for a while, that is correct. The reason for this is because we were at the end of the delivery run and our items usually turned up late and somewhat soggy. I think things melted on other things by the time they got to us. Quite often our groceries were missing or wrong or on the use by date.

I would also like to add that your Hoisin Duck Wrap made me violently ill with food poisoning and its an experience I never wish to repeat.

Kind regards,

Sophie

Me: That made me laugh!!

Sadie: Me too! Classic! Well done you!

Jess: MAN THAT WAS AN AWESOME REPLY!!!!!!! I respect you forever!!! I'm having a shi8e afternoon, people having a go at me for things wot is NOT my fault!!!! I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sophie: Buy them duck wraps!

Jess: Excellent idea!!

Me: JESS YOU JUST 'replied all' ON THAT EMAIL AND SENT IT TO TESCO!!! HA HA

Jess: OH GOD NO NO NO NO! DUDE IM HAVING A REEEELY STRESSED OUT BTCH FROM HELL TIME HERE!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO EXPECT ME TO FOCUS!!!

Sadie: Oh, really laughing now!!!!!!!!!!! Dude! Snorting! Snorting. Big piles of snort on my keyboard!


So- there you go! Next up, the saga of the (non-heavy my butt) wardrobe.

batchap and time man

Hola!
Haven't updated this for a long long while and that is because had some stressful times lately. However, when I learnt of the stressful times, my aunt took me and my sister out for margaritas and wine and the rest of my family did similar and the stress reduced when I realised what a great family I had and that not only do these things happen but that my family will always be there. And that is pretty great.

Things that have happened (I will add pictures when my phone stops being silly and lets me send them to the computer)
Firstly, and most importantly, Sophie passed her driving test. I may be exaggerating a little but after 5 years and a billion lessons and whatnot, it has come as something of a relief. I baked her a banana cake in celebration.

Today I went for a walk with my padders and a small child he looks after in his childminder capacity. He was booted out the house by my mother with Brandon and the 2 dogs and told they could not come back for at least 2 hours. This is because she had a new baby coming to visit her and Brandon causes a touch of mayhem.
Me and B and dad had a really good walk. If you ask B what happened on the walk he will say: MARK FELL IN THE RIVER! And he will keep saying it until my dad starts looking slightly cross and say: I am going to put YOU in the river in a minute.

Even though I haven't written in this for ages, I can't actually think of anything else to say. Except that, until about last year, I never saw the bat in the Batman logo. This seems to be UNBELIEVABLE to the people I told who don't seem to understand that I never really analysed the logo or cared or whatnot. I just used to see the yellow tonsil shapes. I also never realised that the Victorian Era was so called because it covered the reign of Victoria. Same with Edwardian etc. I KNOW that I must have been told this at school or WHATEVER but until I was helping my little sister with her homework it wasn't really something I thought about. Made a lot of sense when I read it though. Same when I saw the Bat logo. Like, ohhhh. Cool. Clever.

ANYWAYZ.

Prehistoric Matt

Friday
Met Sophie and Matt in Asda for a Big Shop. I think it helps living with people and budgeting with people who are Amusing. For e.g. Asda was packed and the aisles were crammed with people and trollies. It was easier to leave your trolly at the end of the aisle and grab what you wanted. Then go hunt down Matt and his bobbly head as he wanders off with the trolly you thought you'd left next to the toilet rolls. We had McDonalds for dinner. Bloody delicious.

Saturday
Went shopping with Sophie for Matts birthday present and other peoples and bla bla. We'd made a list of everything we needed and yet still ended up wandering round and round, going into the same shops numerous times.
That evening, ma and pa and Lol came over for Matt's birthday and give him the Wii Guitar World Band Tour thingy game we'd all chipped in for. Carrying that thing round Enfield was awkward in the extreme.
I think he liked it though. Plus Sophie has got really good at making chicken Korma. It was absolutely delicious. And so were the homemade onion bhajis.
Mum made a birthday cake and bought 24 candles. It took us at LEAST 5 minutes to light them all. Then Matt blew them out and someone made me relight them all so that they could take a photo.

Sunday
Matt and Sophie went to the cinema and out for dinner for Matt's birthday. I was told I was allowed an orgy of up to 6 men OR as many dwarves/midgets as I liked. Instead I was visited by almost the OPPOSITE of a midget orgy as Ruth and her FIANCE came over to show me her engagement ring and her new car. So happy for her/them. Apparently Ruth's dad (my Uncle Buck) told Andy he had had a fight with the ugly stick. Twice. And lost. Welcome to the family.
Later that evening, I heard Sophie and Matt coming down the drive. I went to open the door. And waited with the door open for about 10 minutes. I was like, what is holding them up???!!!! Writing 'boobs' on my car in the snow.

Monday
Woke up to snow. A whole lot of snow. Buses were cancelled. Sophie and Matt rejoiced. No news on my tube line. Put on my wellies, packed my lunch and went out. As I walked along, snow soaking me, no difference between road and pavement, falling into snow drifts... etc etc... I thought, this is RIDICULOUS. When I got to the station, it was closed. YES!!!!!!!!! SNOW! DAY! It was quite eerie actually as there was almost no traffic and it was totally silent. I trudged back home and had a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich with Sophie and Matt. Then we all rocked out on Matt's World Tour drums and guitar. Great fun. Then we had birthday cake. Then we had a nap. Pasta. More birthday cake.... It was a GREAT day.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Muzletov!

Cor. The 23rd December seems AGES ago. I had SUCH a good Christmas holiday - spanning from December 24th-January 5th - and it has been really hard coming back to work and getting into the swing of things again. Not to mention the fact that it is zero degrees and a hazard to be out of bed.

So. Christmas Eve was brilliant. Me and Sophie and Matt went to Cafe Rouge for dinner. Sophie was sad because she didn't get mussels but me and Matt had delicious steaks each. Matt ate his in about 3 minutes. Then Sophie said something REALLY rude, which I can't remember, and then Matt said something EVEN RUDER. I can't remember what he said either but it was shocking. I was all, it is the eve of the Baby Jesus. Jeeeeeeez. When we got home me and Sophie convinced Mat that we all needed to open our 'Secret Santa' presents. I put that in quote marks because they weren't secret or really from Santa. I got a beautiful scarf and some funky shoes and a necklace and earring bumblebee set. I like bumblebees. They seem all big and fluffy. But they sting me ALL THE TIME. And mum is all, quit stroking the bumblebees! And I'm all owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Anyway. We went to bed pretty late. Going to bed late has been a definitive characteristic of this holiday. We were going to bed around 3am and getting up at midday. Coming back to work and alarms going off at 6.30 has been a right shock to the system. Very distressing.
On Christmas morning I was hoping to have a lovely lie in. This plan was immediately scuppered by scarily enthusiastic adults texting me at 7.30, 8.13 and 8.38. DUDES. And then Matt "couldn't sleep" and apparently had been awake since 5am so we were up pretty flippin early I can tell you.

Sophie and Matt opened their presents and then we headed to our respective families houses. Christmas at our house is always great. We'd watched the Christmas special of Gavin and Stacey when we got back from Cafe Rouge and there is a scene in it where the dad is worried about his Norfolk gold headed red breasted diamond egged turkey. Or whatever. WE GET THIS TURKEY TOO!! The dad is basting/soaking his turkey in a bucket. Those birds are flippin ginormous sometimes and last year our bucket was barely big enough. This year ours was soaking in some kind of laundry basket thing. Brilliant. Anyway, we could totally relate to the dad muttering about his Jamie Oliver recipe and Nigella and whatever. Funny.

Then our uncle Paul turned up with the usual crate of champagne! Much appreciated. I got a beautiful pair of gold hoop earrings that I have wanted for ages and some makeup. Brilliant! I think my brother Jamie sorted mine and he did a very good job. Later on, we watched Mama Mia. Mama Mia is proper cheese and my brothers made some very funny comments through out. Like, oooo girls gossiping and reading diaries! I can NEVER get enough of that... etc. Whatevs. It was a good Christmas day movie.

Me and Sophie sat navved Matts address around 12-1am and headed off to pick him up. The sat nav doesn't like Matt's address and corrects it to where it thinks we should be going. It's always the right place but . . . whatever to not recognising number 5 or whatever.

Boxing day was a total chill fest round ours but we decided to head to Brent Cross on the 27th to pick up some New Years Eve outfits. Lulu stayed round as I wanted to leave early, around 9, because otherwise I assumed it would be MAYHEM. I was not wrong.

I can't remember what we did on the 29th. Presumably chilled out. Ate. Napped. I napped SO MUCH this holiday that it was less napping and more full on heavy sleeping. But in the evening me and Sophie went to ma and pa's for my birthday dinner. Matt was unwell so we left him at home so's as not to ruin the party atmosphere. Mum cooked a delicious dinner of pasta and garlic bread and even a salad which, after all the crap I had eaten, tasted bloody delicious. Then we had a chocolate cake that I think Matt would have been real sad to miss. For my birthday I got a MASSIVE jewellery box from my sister and Matt. It is absolutely brilliant and I love it. I love that I can see all my jewellery and I love all the compartments so it's like a treasure trove of things. Me and Sophie bought some silver dip and tidied our boxes (we both have the same one. I have coveted hers for ages). Shamefully it was still a tight squeeze getting it all in. I also got some purfume, my mum made me an amazing necklace and earring set, lulu bought me a little Aladdins lamp charm, Jamie bought me a book on manners (rude! although I heart etiquette books) and Toby bought me a bunch of flowers. It was a great evening.

The 30th, my actual birthday, Ruth came over and cooked me lunch and bought some Bucks Fizz. She also bought me a really really cool necklace made from an old farthing. I love it. It was a wicked day.

News Years Eve we spend at my families house. I love the eclectic gathering of friends and family and me, Sophie, mum and Lulu had all managed to buy beautiful dresses. Me and Sophie were given the task of crudites and rice crispy cakes. After making the 112 cake I would have been happy not to have seen them again. But they were bloody delicious. Sophie's friend Natalie was very very funny. Her boyfriend bought her a cook book for Christmas and she had turned down the corners of the pages of the recipes that she liked the sound of and handed it back to him to cook them!!! What a GREAT idea! Also, apparently they made a Venison Surprise Pie. The surprise part was no venison. HAHA.

On New Years day we were woken up by our family, up bright and early at the crack of dawn and asking if we wanted to go for a walk. Me and Sophie managed to heave ourselves out of bed but it was an effort and pretty much the only exercise we did all Christmas.

I had a Cracking holiday and a much needed break from working and getting up early and whatnot. This is my first week back and it is SO HARD. The lack of sleep is causing a twitch above my right eye and it is bloody cold. Oh well. Nearly the weekend.

brilliant

This weekend included the perfect amount of friends, family and napping. On Friday, my pals Jenna and Ruth came over. Friends and wine are always going to be a good evening in my book. However, we are obviously getting on a bit because at 11 Ruth fell asleep (again). Luckily me and Jenna are made of sterner stuff.

On Saturday I met another pal, Corinne, in Enfield. Brilliant time wandering the shops picking up little presents and christmas cards. TALKING OF Christmas cards . . . we sent ours on Thursday. I wrote one for my parents and asked Sophie to sign it, before she went out drinking for the evening. Somehow she managed to start signing it from me. THEN, when she got home, I asked her to sign another card. This time she simply spelt her name wrong. At least that time I can blame the cocktails. In between her signing 2 different cards wrong, me and Matt ate a fuckload of chips.
After Enfield, I drove the car to the carshop to get them to fix my radio. The car has always had a dodgy gearbox but it was being spectacularly bad on the way there. Already I was nervous about parallel parking outside a garage. It did not help that the car sounded on the brink of the edge of stalling. No.

On Sunday we went over to our parents for dinner. It was delicious. As always. And the cake was Brilliant. My favourite moments were:
Mum telling us about Lulu's friend, Callum, staying over. Apparently Lulu went into Mums room at 11pm to tell her. Mum had fallen asleep and dad had carried on watching tv. When she went in, she turned the tv off and woke mum. Before apologising for waking her up OR getting to the point of why she was there, she pointed to dad slumped over mum with his wine glass in one hand and the tv remote in the other and said: WHAT is THAT? And thenshe told mum that Callum was going to stay over. In the morning, ma and pa were painting the hallway when they heard: For GOD SAKE come ON. And Lulu marched Callum down the stairs, passed them, and out the front door. Then she turned to mum and dad and said: I am SO tired, I'm going back to bed. Ok! Right then!! But apparently she also said: GOD MOTHER. I did NOT sleep with him. He is SO UGLY. Ma was all, I didn't even get the chance to tell her about the birds and the bees. Me: Mother, you have been yelling at her "no glove no love" since she was about 12. I think she's got it now.

I also laughed when Jamie/Dad did the most mingingest fart EVER and Lulu went off on a rant about how she had only showered THAT MORNING and she had WASHED HER HAIR. GODDDDDD.