My car

I won't lie. I do miss it. It is broken.

Here is it in action: It died about 3 days later. Maybe it was the 200 wine glasses that did it.

There is a broken gasket and oil is mixing with water. Apparently, because this is a labour intensive repair job, it will cost around £500 to fix. Because the car is not even worth that much, me and my dad decided not to get it sorted. For the last 5 months it has been sitting pitifully on my parents drive.

UNTIL

My dad struck up a conversation with a neighbour. This guy had a broken car jacked up on his driveway for ages. Mum used to point out to us the plants growing out of it. And then, he managed to fix it. And then his wife took it out about a day later and smashed it up again. Whoops. Anyway. This guy has offered to repair my car. Dad made a deal with him. Under £200 or the car is yours.

I asked my dad what this guy was like. He said:" I like him. He's an animal." I don't know what is worse. That my dad has entrusted my car to this fella or that this is a quality my dad likes in a man. Also, dad has lent this guy his chainsaw. He thinks this will reduce the cost of the repair work.

Texting my dad -
Dad: Car is with neighbour
Me:YAY! How long do you think it will take him to fix it?
Dad: Don't know how long, the man is a nutter. He might blow car up and nick my chainsaw for all I know.

Sophie: Ro, when he has repaired it, I would take it on small journeys first. Like, not down the motorway straight away. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: *.........*

But I am looking forward to getting it back. I LOVE driving.

I think I know who did it . . .

and it weren't the Colonel

Unsuspecting

To: Sophie, Matt
From: Me

Hey Kiddies,

Matt, cover your eyes.

I have booked Clyde in for THE CHOP tomorrow. I phoned the vet and tomorrow is the earliest they have which means we can unlock the catflap at night! Yes! Plus I figure we can watch him at the weekend to make sure he is ok.

This means. He can have his dinner this evening but as soon as he is finished all food needs to be taken away and the catflap locked. His water can stay down until the morning when that too needs to be removed.

He needs to be at the vets at 8.30. Generally you can get your cat back mid-afternoon but it depends how they react to the anesthetic.

The operation costs £55 in total.

However. The nurse suggests that, whilst he is anesthetised, we get him microchipped. This costs £26.54
Pros:
People will know he belongs to us if found (council, police, vets, pounds)
It won't hurt him because he'll be under anesthetic.
If you get it done during the ball operation, it is cheaper

Cons:
People will know he belongs to us
I could spend my microchip money (£9) on beer

I have the whole day off tomorrow. Sorry if either of you wanted to be there. If so, emergency leave? If you really do want to be there I can rearrange?

P.s. If you say 'spading' instead of 'neutering' you will be very confused when they ask if your cat has been in season yet.


From: Sophie

Hello, oh good. Well done for booking Clyde. And sorting out Monica's rent. Matt did you transfer her money yet?

Can't believe you said spade hahaha. I want tomorrow off but don't think it's wise. Shame you dont have the car!


From: Rosie

Well. Maybe you could tell them you need emergency leave???

Shame about car but can just get the bus with you and Matt in the morning.

So, did you want the microchipping? I said yes to the nurse but we can change our mind.

P.s. No. I cannot believe I said spade either. I can do a funny interpretation of me on the phone though. Highlight was when I nearly called it 'the ball operation'


From: Matt

I wouldn't worry, when I picked up my cat from the vet after having his bollocks chopped off, I said "I'm here to pick up my cat, you've just taken his balls." She gave me a weird look.
Not sure if I can get tomorrow off but I don't think I want to be there anyway. He's gonna be a shell of a cat tomorrow I imagine.

I have not transferred the money yet as I'm very very busy but will drop everything to do it now.

I'm hungry


From: Me

HAHA!!!

Also, when she said, 'you need to starve your cat for 12 hours' I said: oh LORDYYYYYYYYYY.

Don't worry Matt, I think he'll be ok. Maybe he might even become normal!

Monica (obviously) hadn't noticed the rent money deficit yet so no worries. Sometime today is fine.

I am also hungry. Just ate a DairyLea triangle. I have a couple left if you want?


From: Sophie

Funny Hawk. I was going to ask - what does the microchip say on it?

I'll let you handle it on your own tomorrow if that's ok?


From: Matt

Quick update -

Money has been transferred and standing order corrected.

And how is clyde going to be ok????

HE'S LOSING HIS FUCKING BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not normal thing to do.


From: Me

FUNNY!!!! Loads of men don't have balls so don't worry. He'll fit in.

Good stuff on the Monica money. Well done.

Sophie - I'm fine taking him on my own tomorrow. I'll just be dropping him off anyways. And when I pick him him, I doubt I'll be his favourite person. And the microchip has name, address and number. Also, it is free to call and have numbers etc changed. No odds to them, they just change the details on the computer.


From: Sophie

Matt, if it's any consolation I imagine Clyde has already spread his wild seed numerous times and there are possibly (but Dear God hopefully not) some mini Clyde's on the way out there to the poor unsuspecting owner(s) of lady cat(s).


From: Me

We'll deny all knowledge.

What I saw on the train

I get to the station and wait for my train. It pulls in and the doors open. A group of hot lads jump off and strip on the platform, throwing their discarded items back onto the train. Before the doors close they all manage to leap back on. People on the train are looking startled but no one says anything. A few older men look disgusted. A few older women try and get in sneaky glimpses. Others stare, some try and take a surreptitious photo. All in all, the reactions of the people on the train was entirely British. There were no catcalls, no comments. The platform attendant ignored it, but pointedly said: "This train is ready to leave. Stand clear of the closing doors.'

So. If you are wondering what would happen if you stripped on a station platform, leapt on a train and redressed, the answer is, not a lot.

Later on that evening, the train driver said: "There are beggars operating on the train. Please do not give them any money as, truth be told, they probably have more than us."
At the next station 2 women got off the tube, babies strapped to them, and went to throw their empty Coke cans at the drivers compartment. A man on the platform said: "I wouldn't do that. People on the train are watching you and those that would maybe give you money next time will definitely not." They walked off.

I was just thinking, if I had to beg, I think I could cope without needing to spend money on Coke. Branded Coke at that.

Actually, it was a pretty tame journey considering there was a big Arsenal match on.

Happy Birthday Jamie

Today is my brothers 22nd birthday. On Saturday night, mum invited some people over for drinks and food and told me and Sophie to make him a cake. We decided to make him a banana cake because we knew it was one of his favourites. Also, it seemed pretty simple. And the Nigella recipe we chose said: This is a very Forgiving recipe. Which me and Sophie are plenty glad for. Making the cake did not start well as we had forgotten to buy any eggs and I had to run out in the rain wearing the most eclectic outfit ever, plus the night befores eye make-up. Luckily the general populace of our local area is crazy and so to go out the house looking mental is just a case of blending in.

Then came the task of weighing out our ingredients. We didn't realise we owned weighing scales until we had worked out how much sugar we needed through math (what is 175+175? 250?), marking out rough halves and quarters and badgers. Then we remember (I remembered) that we had been amazingly proficient in our first IKEA shop and had purchased some scales. I guess it was a sixth sense that knew, 5 months down the line, we would make a banana cake.

Nigella said, put your butter and sugar in a bowl and let the mixer machine do the rest. Well. We did not have a machine that worked without someone holding it and were using a large fruit bowl. This meant that butter and sugar were being flicked all over the shop. Including into Sophie's tea. Which she weren't too happy about. Sophie then tried melting the butter a bit by putting the bowl into hot water. Obviously doing this our way simply meant plunging the bowl into the frothy washing up water. It didn't really work.

Next came blending in the eggs. Something disgusting fell out one of the eggs and I had to interrupt the creaming and blending to dry heave into the sink.

Sophie: The recipe says mash the bananas *slices the bananas and thwacks with the back of the knife* MASHED

Then we had to decide which tin to cook our cake in. Banana cake is typically a loaf and we had bread tins but we didn't want to make him a banana loaf, we wanted to make him a cake. We also had a huge roasting tin. This was too big. So. We did what anyone normal would do and put the loaf tin at the end of the roasting tin and covered it all in grease proof paper. Sophie made me butter the grease proof paper. I was all, why are we buttering grease proof paper? And she said, THIS IS WHAT THE RECIPE SAYS. But when I read the recipe afterwards it said grease the tin and put the paper on top. This was one of many things that could have affected our cake which didn't. It really was a very forgiving recipe.

After we poured our batter in the makeshift cake tin and put it in the oven, Sophie left to go to the Opticians. This made me very nervous as I had to watch the cake. But. After 75 minutes, it was done. I made Matt check it was done as well. It was definitely done.

When Sophie came home, and the cake had cooled, we removed it from the tin. Because the loaf tin didn't entirely cover the end of the roasting tin, some of the cake mix had seeped down the sides. Sophie decided to square the cake up a bit. I don't know why we allowed this since she will freely admit she can't cut straight for shit. Luckily, whilst her cutting was slightly skew whiff, the cake looked fantastic. We all tried a piece of the bit she cut off to make sure. It is vital to do this. You should also lick the batter spoons etc along the way. Just to make sure you do not poison your brother with his own birthday cake.

Then we iced the cake. I used nearly a whole box of icing sugar.
Me: Sophie. Iced cakes are SO unhealthy!!! I've just tipped a whole box of pure sugar over our cake!
Sophie: Well, more like, cakes in general are unhealthy Ro.

We made sure all the cake, top and sides, were covered with icing. Icing covers every flaw and it pretty fantastic. Then Sophie wrote happy birthday on the top and drew a ninja banana. For some reason my brother thinks he is a ninja. It is best not to question these things.

In all, the cake was perfect and Jamie enjoyed it. As did everyone else. Although I have to say, next to my mothers cakes, ours looked unbelievably home made. Whatevs though. She is just a big show off.

The party was brilliant. Mum and Dad emptied out and cleaned the shed and put in a gas fire, a heater and loads of candles. My little sister printed out some posters and me and my dad nailed them on the walls. It had a table and chairs and cushions inside and looked better than some of the places me and So and Hawk looked at to rent.

There was also a massive fire pit on the patio, which noone fell in, so that was a bonus. And there was a TON of food. My Dad and brother Jamie cooked up a storm on the BBQ and it was delicious. MMMM MEAT. Plus my mother had done loads of salad and pasta and vegetables etc. We had to take home a cake dog bag because I was so stuffed. The cake was especially delicious on Sunday night though.

On Sunday me and Soph and Hawk decided to go to Asda and buy some fruit and vegetables. This is because we do not trust Tesco to deliver us good ones since Lord knows they can't get the rest of the order right. We also were thinking to buy a microwave since ours is a health hazard and danger trap and we are sick of risking life and limb to use it. However. Instead of a microwave we somehow ended up buying Scrabble and Cluedo. Clyde enjoyed a game but he didn't win as he only knows how to spell a few words. Cat. Clyde and GIVE ME SOME FOOD BEFORE I RIP YOUR FACE OFF.





It was a very enjoyable weekend. I loved it.

nerves

Sophie's interpretation of a genuine problem:

robot me v pirate Cor

Happy Ending

But she does still pee in the pool. Dirty