british

Sadie: Just working out how to put my auuuto spell check back on

Sophie: Mine won’t switch off yank!!! The setting is English UK but it’s still misspelling English words.
Do they not understand Brittania rules the world?!!!!!

Jess: Oh God, thats appalling. But laughing at BRTW!

Me:dont ask me. i tell you. being out of work, you lose all sense of routine and time and capability. srsly. im like. shall i even bother to brush my teeth?? but i do because. you know. gross. not that far gone.

had a LOVELY day yesterday though. walked down to palmers green as i needed to go to the post office and renew my tax disc. i could have driven as i was only a few hours untaxed and on the way to pick up a new disc but i really really dont need a criminal record at the moment.

anyway. i walked and yea verily was it hot. i had nickleback on the ipod though so happily bopped along. i started on one side of the high street in that little clothes shop by the station. there was a beautiful maxi type hippy dress in there but it was £30. so i wandered to the bank and paid in a cheque and sweated a lot because it was approx 75 thousand degrees in there. then some little kid said something to me and i forgot i had rock music blaring and i thought i said what but in fact i said WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

then i wandered along the charity shops. i bought a couple of books in each one. well done charity shops! then i crossed over and went to the post office where, again, they tried to boil me alive and i queued up and q-ed and q-ed and then i was like, huh, maybe i should have checked that they did tax discs in here before i started q-ing. but i was feeling all zen and all, well, i have nothing better to do. but luckily they did do tax discs in there AND i had all the correct documents. high five me.

then i wandered into the picture shop and bought a little card to send to gma and pa and a union jack pen to write it with. then i carried on in the charity shops and then i needed a sandwich from greggs because i hadnt eaten yet. obviously i got stuck behind a mental who was debating bread with the sullen teenage boy serving who had no idea what bread she brought last time (and he didn't care, either) and i was all I JUST WANT MY PLOUGHMANS SANDWICH OMG (i wanted the tuna actually but i eat a lot of tuna at home and i dont want to give myself mercury poisoning).

Then i went into b wise. but i came straight out again. then i went into ethel austin where i bought a beautiful sundress which was £10 - much better priced for me! PLUS i also purchased 2 of their lavender body scrubs which were meant to be £1.50 but my total was only ten so either i stole the body scrubs or my dress was only 7. either way. bargainous.

then i went to morrisons to buy some eggs for matt. then i came out and by seconds missed my bus. by this point my bad was so freakin heavy and i almost fainted from dehydration but i didnt want to risk leaving the bus stop and another elusive 121.

anyway. then i got home and so did matt and sophie and matt cooked chicken kievs and omg YUMMEY.

Jess: oh dude that was VERY entertaining...

Sadie: Wasn't it! Laughed loud at the PO trying to boil you! Good on the dress for £7!!!!! I am off out now before the highest temps hit to see what the clothes shops in Leadenhall have.

Me:i came home and drank about 2 pints of water and lay very still. my whole outing only cost 15. unless you include a tax disc which was 66. and if that car breaks down before the disc is run out i will shake my fist

Sadie:Shake your fist and say grrrrrr no doubt.

Me: And needless to say i will be writing to complain

Security breach

Dear Spammers and Chancers,

If you are going to send me email alerts about security problems with my bank account and could you have my details please, at least try and send me an email about a bank I actually have an account with.

Who is falling for this shit anymore?

Now, excuse me, I've got to give my friend Mr Okiwana Mombasando my account details so he can transfer 12 million to me as his family (The Royal Family of Nicaragua) are trying to kill him and he wants to start a new life in the U.K.

confirming

Sorry, are we talking about peanuts or penises?

liberated

Sophie: Did anyone other than Ro and I watch 'Crimewatch'?
They caught these old dudes printing almost perfect replica bank notes. They ranged in age from 60 – 80 . I was really gutted that they got caught.
Murder, rape and pillagery doesn’t get 10 months surveillance work. 5 old boys trying to con the government and make a fortune did though.

Sadie: Laughing! I hope I'm that active and inventive when I'm 80!

Sophie: Let’s face it…. You aren’t now. What’s gonna change?

Sadie: Cruel. And untrue. I'm very inventive when it comes to work avoidance, morning avoidance and generally any effort avoidance

Me: We were also watching 'The One Show' last night. It was about what has liberated women. Answer? The washing machine.
"Me: Well. That's pushing it a little. Not equality then?"
Anyways, Apparently in ye olden days, women got up at 4 to do their washing because they had to hang it up by midday otherwise other women on the block thought they were lazy.
Sophie: " WHAT. I'd be all LADIES LADIESSSSSSSSSS"

Sadie: LAUGHING! I'd be hanging mine up at midnight then when the other ladies were all getting up at 4 I'd mention some of us had got up at 2 in the morning to do our washing.

Sophie: I don’t understand why they had no common sense between them. I’d have just been like ‘let’s not be hating on each other. Let’s all have a lie in and sort this out together at a reasonable time’
They were all good mates with the neighbours in thems days.
... I think this has affected me deeply.

Jess: LAUGHING!!!
So! I've discovered I was missing a bra wire...so I've realised it's that wots caught in my machine...so...I've borrowed ally's ratchet spanner set as I don't have any spanners/ratchets and tonight I am going to attempt to take the back off my washer and see if I can find the wire.....this will be monumental proof of how it sucks big time to be fu**ing liberated....

Sadie: Ah! The old bra wire in the machine trick. Happened to me in Swindon, but it didn't break the machine so I just ignored it. Also it wasnt my machine, so I couldnt have given a flying f*ck.
Yup, it sucks to be liberated.

Sophie: At least it will be less hexpensive though. I accidentally put a platinum silver and pink diamond cubic zirconia pendant in ours the other day and it has been irrevocably damaged.

Jess: I haven't done it yet.....dad says I won't be able to get to it from the back.*sigh* I can feel a major FAIL coming on...meanwhile Ally has washed all my tops for me...undies and sock shi* to do by hand tonight... *wow*

Sophie: Well. This absolute nutttttt case just called me.

Me: HAHA! Oh dearrrrrrrrr. God. Me and the crazies here are having a music competition. Who can play theirs loudest. Blatantly I am going to win since they only appear to have elvis in their collection.
Just cleaned the bathroom. Stood in the bath to clean the shower. Somehow turned shower on. Am soaked.

Sophie: Hey dude, I brought you a new mascara as a cleaning present. Good times.

Jess: AW that's nice.

Sophie: She earnt it…
Tee hee
Our house was MINGING
M I N G I N G
Apart from my cleaning lots of mould from bathroom blind, front door and hallway skirting boards. All those areas were sparkling.
And an outside cupboard. Just one mind. Where we store the alcohol. I displaced a good few spiders.
The other one is Matt’s cupboard of Potential Death and Hell. Ro and I keep the hoover and mop there and the rest is matt’s OCD collection of electrical goods boxes. In case some day we may need the cardboard box the cd player came in.

Me: I cleaned the lounge, including skirting boards and picture rails.
Mould : Behind wall hanging and in corner of room.
Spiders : 3

I cleaned the kitchen, including cleaning out all the cupboards, on TOP of the cupboards, and the fridge
Mould : Loads but mainly behind fridge and pulling that out was above and beyond.
Spiders : 2

Hallway : Skirting rail
Mould : None cos SOphie did it.
Spiders : 1

My Bedroom : Including all under the bed and behind cupboards
Mould : Back of cupboard
Spiders :1
Dead Birds : 0
Rat : 0

Bathroom :

.. Im bored of this. But the point is. There are spiders everywhere, which i leave, YOU'RE WELCOME JESUS and mould. And I have finally finished and do not have any more cleaning to do which is a relief because seriously, 4 days worth is a lot.

Also, spookily, I opened Matt's outside cupboard and his Wii box fell on me and the kitty litter and whatnot and I was all.. shall I?? And then 7 spiders fell off the mop and I quickly locked the door and RAN AWAY

Sadie: Laughing LAUGHING!
Dude, thats a lot of hard work, and a lot of spiders. And mould, a lot of mould. But at least you scored nil on the whole dead bird/rat/hedgehog/rattlesnake/chicken/fox area.
Ange keeps her cardboard boxes too - mostly on the lounge floor. I found one in her cupboard for her 8 year old iron. Wjen I asked her why, she wouldnt look me in the eye, just shuffled her feet and mumbled something about if she ever had to move.....something to pack it in...........protect it from things........
Silliness.

Me: OMG. That is pretty bad. I do NOT have the hoarder gene and am capable of chucking things willy nilly. it is something dad frowns on greatly because omg what if you just NEED a cable that was for your 1980s walkman or whatnot.

Sophie: For some peculiar reason my email deletes sadie’s messages. Or they are going in to a black hole. Because I see them , then they go. Velly strange.
That box keeping thing is so crazy. 8 yr old iron box tops the biccie though!

Sadie: Have you 'ruled' mine to spam? Cos, you know man, thats a bit rude.

you can wash the outside...

I came home from a nice evening out to find Matt leaning out my bedroom window. I was all, gosh. What is HE doing. That is nowhere NEAR the underwear drawer. But then I came in the front door and found Sophie hiding in the kitchen because apparently there was a RAT trapped in my bedroom.
David and Matt got to do a bit of manly bonding and worked together to get the rat out. Of COURSE my fluffy dressing gown had to be used.
This was a traumatic experience for mainly the rat and Sophie though as I didn't see the rat once and by the time I'd made a cup of tea, it had gone.

THEN my friend Ruth came over for dinner. Matt went to bed. Me and Ruth and Sophie stayed up drinking and, at 1am, I made my merry way to my room.
Me: Clyde!
Me: Clyde.. You've MALTED everywhere. You've malted black FEATHERS everywhere.... oh noooooes.
Me: MATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Matt removed the dead bird buried in my bed but I did not sleep comfortably that night. The next day started a whole week cleaning of the house including skirting boards, picture rails and cleaning windows.

We fondly remember the days it was just worms he bought in. And I do not even want to HEAR that those animals were gifts.

I'm down on a 20 Alannnnnn

Sadie: They've been filming Spooks outside the office this morning. Only Ros has been seen though. I'm hoping that tomorrow - I'm in the office from 7.30am - Richard Armitage will be popping along. Then quite frankly it will be a case of f*ck the testing, I'm off out to drool!

Jess: Awesome!!!!!

Sadie: And of course if I do get to meet him, lets just say I'm quitely confident of a June wedding.

Sophie: Hello hello, I think that would definitely be the case. Can I attend? Went to BX last night and spent £80 at the Mac make up counter. The woman was really non-invasive and nice. I think that was her secret skill. Ro is in her interview now. I just called Matt up and said I’m nervous. Sadie, 7.30! Work! Saturday! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I would not cope well with that. Would not cope well at all. Lots of keenos here come in at the weekends (through choice) including Matt.

Jess: Ro coming here after interview- quick lunch in the churchyard- will see how she got on-
I'm working tomorrow, been covering allys sickness so been on half 5 wake ups for nearly 2 weeks- so tired- no lie in tomorrow- no lie in Sunday- work absolutely horrendous here- every fu**ing person must be ill in the fu**ing UK.
Tired, pissy, fed-up----------- fu*8ing fax machine/emails are relentless-----non stopping............ JESUS FU**ING CHRIST IF THIS FU**ING GODDAM FU**ING FAX MACHINE DOESN'T STOP FUCKING SHI* FU**ING SPEWING OUT STUFF OUT SOON MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sadie: God, you poor f*ck.
Laughing at the rant though.
I am geting the 6.52 tom from Enfield Taaan by the way.

Jess: Oh dude I get the 7.23 but if i can drag my arse up I'll go for that one too!!! I'm sure I can manage it.

Sadie: No, dont get up half an hour before you have to dude!!!!! I have to be up at 5.50 and thats bad enough.

Jess: Be nice to see you tho, so i'll try.......you know wot i'm like...i'll wake up anyway.......just keep your phone handy........no probs........

I’m sorry. Ro is ok and all but I would not wake up that early to see her.

Sophie: She called me by the way. Said it went well but I’m sure she’ll tell you ALLLLLLLLL about it. Hmm just looked up and seen that she was included in this email.
I called her yesterday and she was asleep. She said “yes, yes that is fine.” Me: are you asleep?

Ro:No

Me: what did you want me to buy you again?

Ro: what?

Me: what did you… are you sure you aren’t sleep talking right now?

Ro: NO I AM AWAKE … tell the lady rufflerufflemoon

Me: ok…

*20 mins later my phone rings*

Ro: Hi, did you call me earlier?

Me: eh…

Ro: what were you saying again?

Jess: Oh dudeeeeeeeeeeeee last bit so funnyyyyyyyyyy

Sophie: For months on end Rosie has said there is someone shouting “ALAN” outside her window. Frankly, I was not a believer. I thought I would be able to hear someone shouting outside the flat. This has gone on for ages. Every few days she gets up and asks if we heard the person calling for Alan.

This being Ro, I just labeled it under ‘crazy sleep’.

Matt has stood outside the house before shouting Alan outside her window.

So, matt and I came home a couple of days ago and there was a bald man dressed all in black loitering around outside.

He was getting agitated and started calling out into the crazy garden. As we get into the house we hear him shouting

“ALAN, ALAN GIVE ME SOME MONEY ALAN”

Ro *in the lounge*: can you hear that man calling for Alan again?

Matt and I: dumdedum Nope.

I think this is how people get committed.

Sadie: Laughing! Thats so MEAN!!!!!!

unbelievable

Me: Guess what happened in Asda last night!!!! The checkout lady thought I was Sophie's MOTHER!!!!! Not happy. At all. And she's now dead. I had to mash her for that one.

Sadie: i'M LAUGHING SO HARD THAT I cant type properly! Seriously dude, the woman must be a bit simple though!

Jess: OH DUDE....that is SO not funny!!!!!!!!! Why then, am I peeing myself?

Sophie: Checkout lady scanning wine: eh, you aren’t paying though? your… mum is? Me: haha, yes, I am paying. That’s my little sister.

Jess: FUNNY!!!!

Me: UN BE LIEV ABLE.
It was.
UNBELIEVABLE

Jess: Laughing!!!! Funny dude!!!

Sadie: Still laughing.

Jess: Me too

Sophie: Then I got out my driving licence which was PINK woo hoo!!! Then I wound Rosie up all evening. I couldn’t possibly put the shopping away, I’ll leave mum and dad to it etc

Me: Luckily I am a firm believer in beating ones kids.