dads baby

SMASH

Background: Since I watched the Hulk on Sunday night, every conversation I've had with David has included the words: "Hulk SMASH!!!

David: Right, I'm off for a blood test.

Rosie: Are you off to see if you are the Hulk?

David: No. I know I'm the Hulk. What with forever waking up in random locations naked. A trail of destruction behind me and a raging headache.

Rosie: ARE YOU REALLY THE HULK??!! OMG. WAIT RIGHT THERE. I AM COMING TO JUMP YOUR BONES.

David: What?? Do you fancy the Hulk!!????

Rosie: Er... YEAH. Who doesn't??

David: We've talked about this. What about his penis problems?

Rosie: What?! What penis problems??! We just said that no one could fell him by kicking him in the nuts!

David: You're only going out with him because of his big arms. I mean, it certainly ain't the conversation. Especially when all he can say is "Betty."

Rosie: What can I say. I chose big arms over conversation. I am shallow like that. Plus, I don't mind him calling me Betty.
Someone I used to work with used to call me Audrey.

David: "Yes darling, Hulk smash!, now come on lets go to the cinema"

Rosie: Jealous

David: I just cant believe youve found someone better at smashing than me. I'll just have to go find me a radioactive chick

Rosie: Good luck with that

David: Wow. We talk a lot of bollocks.

madness

7:05 - Clyde clambers up on my bed and onto the headrest (preparing to leap into the dresser) Me: *Mumble* nooo Clyde. Drags him down

7:06 - Clyde looks at me. I try and snuggle back down for the last few pre getting up precious minutes

7:07 - Clyde puts his paw on my head in the 2nd attempt to get on the dresser. Me: mmmphhhhffff Clydeee noooo and God your foot is wetttttt blahhhhhhhhhh *pushes him to the floor*

7:07 - Clyde attempts a quick leap up onto dresser from floor position. Clyde and mini jewellery box come tumbling down. Me: *pillow over head* arghhhhhhh

7:08 - Clyde slinks up onto the bed, trying to act unsuspicious and nochalant. He bites my shoulder REALLY HARD. Me: mmmmmmmmpfhhhhhhh *pushes him to floor again*

7:09 - Clyde leaps up onto bed and pretends to snuggle. All the while his body is edging nearer and nearer to the dresser edge. Me: I'm not stupid. *Pushes him to floor*

This went on until 7:21 when Matt got out the shower and went to feed him. It was like Groundhog Day but even more annoying and I hate that film.

sleepin all over the world

Sleepin on mamas old duffle coat. Dats pretty cuwte.

Sleepin on mamas clean washing. That is VERY VERY ANNOYING.

questions mainly based on scary programmes on tv

Me: Would you rather:
Suck a slimy, snotty slug
or
Crunch a cockroach?

Gio: Great, great question….cockroach I think.
A woman here just said she wouldn’t sell her cat for £20 million. I told her to get a grip.

Me: I think cockroach too. The thought of even touching the slug makes me gag.
£20 million!!!!!! Firstly, I would question the sanity of anyone offering £20 million for Clyde. Second, I would question it whilst cashing my £20 million down Barclays.
Would you rather:
Suck a tramps crusty infected toes for up to and including 5 minutes
or
Give him £1000?

Gio: Have to give them a grand of my dosh I suppose.
Looked at my CD collection yesterday and really worried about myself when I saw Kylie, Aqua, Take That and Chapzone staring back at me.

Me: Me too.
Don't worry re: the albums. Matt has some of those too. He just hides them between albums like: omgihateeveryonetheyareallsuchloserswhydoesntanyoneunderstandmegoingtohavetopokemyselfintheeyeargh
Would you rather be:
Half ton son
or
Half man/half tree?
P.s. It is the year of the Ox. Even though I am rattus rattus, I feel this is my year.

Gio: Have to be Half ton son, at least he can do something about it I suppose.
I’m an Ox an’all!!

Me: Good answer. I don't think I could still be your friend if you were the tree man. Freaks me out too much. I could only watch 4 minutes of that programme. Like the Elephant Man. Me and Matt were arguing the other day about what Rolf harris' wobble board was called and he wouldn't change the channel off of the Elephant Man until I said, alright alright it is called something more technical than wobble board.
We have some very sophisticated debates in our house.
ARE YOU ALSO AN OX???!!!! HAHA! Biiiiiig and strongggggg.
Would you rather get off with:
One of those extreme doll things
Or
A bollard?

Gio: Some of those "extreme doll things" are very nice I'll have you known.

Me: ... Lordy

riddles and revelations

Sophie: There's a body lying dead on a bed, and on the floor beside it is a pair of scissors. The scissors were instrumental in his death, yet there's no trace of blood. The body reveals no signs of any cuts or bruises. How could the person have been murdered with the pair of scissors?

Me: Rubber/metal allergy. You hear about people with allergies like that. They can't wear condoms.

Jess: Shouldn't we call the police instead of trying to solve the crime ourselves? I mean...someone's dead!

Sophie: I think they need to call EXTREME FORENSICS!

Me: I reckon
he swallowed the scissors
and then
pooped them out.
No need for extreme forensics. I'm on it.

Jess: FD!! It's rather sad that i immediately think of stupid things to say RATHER than actually be bothered enough to work out the riddle... I spose it's because I just don't really give a f**k... and I'm immature.

Sophie: Or me:
What was he wearing? What time was it? How long had he been dead for? Where was the suspect? Was there any DNA evidence? Fingerprints?
Actually, that line of questioning would serve me well for a career with the fowensics.

Jess: FD!!!

Me: No. You'd be going:
Where did he get his socks from?
What was his paternal grandparents called?

Jess: She SO would!!!

Sophie: Background research!!!

Me: She'd keep on like that until there was a new murder. Hers.

Jess: FD! Fowensics funny! It was probably a perverts death of some sort anyway.

Me: CASE CLOSED

Me: YOU CAN ALL GO HOME. SORTED.

Me: PUT THAT MICROSCOPE AWAY! DIDN'T YOU HEARRR??? PERVERTS DEATH

Jess: Oh reeeely laughing here!!!!

Sophie: I’d LOVEEEEEEEEE that job. Best job ever.

Me: That job is GROSS. You have to deal with dead bodies in refrigerators. That is not my idea of a good time. Unless I put them there.

Jess: FD! I could kill very easily.

Sophie: Me too, especially with a gun where you wouldn’t have to jab flesh or anything squeamish

Me: I've never thought of shooting anyone. If I was going to kill someone I could easily run them over. Or beat them to death. I think once I started battering someone, I wouldn't stop. I'm not like one of those people who get startled by a burglar or attacked and who manage to knock them down but then run off. If I got them down I am going to mash them. Get Clyde to sit on them whilst I call the old bill. Throw bleach and nailvarnish remover at them. ... I've thought it through.

Jess: Srsly you HAVE thought this through!!!

Jess: Oh man I'm still pissing myself here!!!! NAILVARNISH REMOVER???? BLEACH????? What is WRONG with you???

Sophie: Dunno but getting scared. Especially with the sleepwalking tendencies.

Me Srlsy, Sophie threw that shit in my eyes once. Thought I'd been blinded.

Sophie: WHAT! WHEN?

Me: Years ago. You were sitting on the top bunk. I was standing. I remember the burn like it was yesterday.

Jess: Snigger.......elephant memory much!

Me: It is hard to forget these things. Also, if you are ever attacked and you throw nailvarnish remover at them and you survive... YOU'RE WELCOME

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Sadie: Am on a course..
At 4.30 I had had enough.
At 4.45 I had had more than enough.
At 5.15 I had zoned out
At 5.20 I threw a murderous look at Paul when he said 'can I just ask..............'
At 5.21, with the aid of a pair of scissors...............

I like big butts and I can not lie

Jes: Oh man…Monday…and Saturday to look forward to. Not.

Sophie: Nooooooooooooooo(nonononononononononono)

Jess: FD.... though I do feel that pain.

Sophie: Where is Sadie then?

Jess: I dunno!! Any idea?

Sophie: Chillaxing at home?

Me: Funny! That is what I think too. I am eating porridge. Taking it slowly.

Jess: She may be on a course I suppose? Now I want to know.... I'll text her.

Sophie: Company brekkie being delivered in a mo. Good thing about that is the crate of yummy seasonal fruit from I believe the only English greengrocers left in London. I like to make myself a platter to last the week

Me: Wish we had fresh fruit delivered here. Instead we get doughnuts. Loads and loads of doughnuts and custard creams. My butt. Jess - I had a dream last night that you lost so much weight that you butt was like... TINY. But, like, DEFORMED tiny. I don't know why I am dreaming of your butt instead of, for e.g., Jensen Ackles' butt. You need to write and complain for me.

Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!! Laughing big time!!! New series of Supernatural started last night........gosh those two lads are lovely.... bestest tv programme eva! I'd damwell love to see Jensen's butt.

Me: Talking of butts-
Me: Get down. Down. GET DOWN. DOWN. GET... Clyde.. I am NEVER going to feed you again unless you get down
Clyde: SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTT
Me: Graceful.
He is a big butt head. He was sitting in the front of the dresser getting ready to leap up. I was lying in my bed going, sternly, NO CLYDE. NO. NO. He was all WHATEVER *preparing to leap* I rolled up my magazine and was like NO CLYDE. He looked at me and was all, pffft. *Walks round to side of dresser, out of reach of me by the door and leapt up. Me: Ok. That was impressively done. But GET DOWN

Sophie: He did that to me yesterday. When I was going “OI. OIIIIIII, GET. OFF.” He just sat his fat a r s e down and looked me in the eye.

Jess: Oh FFDD!!!! So FD! "Sat his fat a r s e down!"

Sophie: The thing was I was sitting on my bed sorting out my scarves so he was literally looking me in the eye in a blatant display of “Yeah…. And?” It’s just so rhude! He has every ledge and sofa, bed and even the kitchen table to plonk on but I take offence to the one area I have made nice with jewellery, photos, make up etc

Me: I know. The ONE surface. The one with glasses of water, coffee cups, perfume bottles. What a d i c k.
ALSO. He came and snuggled last night. Too late I was all, dude you are WET and pushed him off the white sheets. This morning there is a perfect trail of muddy paw prints. Gross.

Jess: Fd! HE'S A RIGHT BOY THAT CAT!!! Rude and ignorant...actually that is so cat!

Sophie: It’s the only surface that I have covered with trinkets and bits and bobs that I like.
I typed bits and boobs then but that is definitely not right.

Jess: SNIGGER. Funny tho.