Jess: I PICKED UP A BAR OF NOVELTY SOAP OFF MY BED INSTEAD OF MY PHONE!!!! ... got no signal.
Rosie: HAHA
Sophie: Really laughed and read it aloud to people and they laughed too.
Jess: *BLUSH* Jessica the tard!
Sophie: I’m never going to forget this
Jess: Repeat...... Jessica the tard.
Me: I keep laughing everytime I read 'I got no signal' . . . did you get into a right old lather?
Jess: OH hahahahahahahah
Sadie: The question is, was the novelty soap in the shape of a mobile? If so that (still makes you tard) is totally understandable.
Jess: DUDE! It IS the same shape and size of my mobile, BUT, there, the similarity ends...the soap is multicolored greens and blue tropic island colours.....
JESSICA IS SO A TARD!
...and DUDE, rude message.
Sophie: Tropic island colours… hHAHAHAHAHAH ahahahaha AHAH
Jess: *SNRFF*
Dad: Got my hands dirty over the park today. Tried to wash them with mobile phone and water, silly me
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jess: OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!
OH.MY.GODDDDDDDDDD!!!!! SOPHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU TOLD MARRRKKKKKK. LOOK. It could happen to ANYONE!
Sophie: Just off to the park now myself. I’m taking my bar of soap with me. Ohhhh no… I mean phone.
Jess: Look. It could happen to anyone... I'm gonna be hearing about this alot aren't I.
Me: I've never grabbed a novelty soap instead of my phone...
Jess: F**K off the lot of youuuuuuu. (Jessica is too sensitive for this world.) You lot are wan**rs. Big hairy to**ers.
Dad: Just had a shower to cool off, strange my bar of soap started to ring going to use my old brand in future
Jess: This isn't getting old is it.
Me: Have you ever used an iSoap? Really stings.
Jess: Oh Goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
Sophie: Good one! I have to snigger quietly because I can’t be bothered to tell people I’m still laughing at the soap.
Jess: I can SEE these emails you know…..The soap looks (exactly) nothing like a phone.
Monday, 15 June 2009
Friday, 5 June 2009
rules are rules
In our house there is a rule. If Sophie and Matt go out for the evening I am allowed either one man OR six midgets.
Sophie: Im going out to tea with twins this eve and matt is going to see his pa.
Me: but id prepared . . . ha ha
Sophie: Prepared an amuse bouche, followed by oysters and champagne, followed by steak and chips followed by a triple chocolate mousse followed by a cheese board served from the naked chests of 7 midgets?
Me: yeah that was what i was going to do. except then i realised it wouldnt work as i am only allowed 6 midgets.
Sophie: Matt, is rosie allowed a 7th midget?
Me: I'd love it as much as the other 6!
Matt: i'm going to have to be a stickler for the rules and say only six midgets are allowed
Sophie: Im going out to tea with twins this eve and matt is going to see his pa.
Me: but id prepared . . . ha ha
Sophie: Prepared an amuse bouche, followed by oysters and champagne, followed by steak and chips followed by a triple chocolate mousse followed by a cheese board served from the naked chests of 7 midgets?
Me: yeah that was what i was going to do. except then i realised it wouldnt work as i am only allowed 6 midgets.
Sophie: Matt, is rosie allowed a 7th midget?
Me: I'd love it as much as the other 6!
Matt: i'm going to have to be a stickler for the rules and say only six midgets are allowed
Thursday, 4 June 2009
just say the word
I am not sure if I have mentioned it on here (and I cannot be bothered to go back and check) but there is a crazy house next to ours and a nutter who is forever calling his mate Alan from our driveway. You see, the back garden of the crazy house is down our driveway and so Alan's mate walks down it and leans over their fence and calls for Alan.
Here is an example of what used to wake me up at oh fuck o clock every weekend.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNN ALANNNNNNNN....... lend me some money Alannnnnnnnnnn!!! Carollll Carolll where's Alan? He doesn't want to talk to me? Lend me a pound Carol! Carol! Alannnnn I'm down on a tenner Alan!!!
Anyway. Sophie and Matt did not believe me until they witnessed it firsthand. Sophie was all DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? And I was all *blink blink*
Me: Someone might need to provide me with an alibi in a minute.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
Maybe you should go out and tell him you'e Alan. That'll confuse the crazy. Though I suspect most things confuse a crazy.
Me: No, you see. It is a Catch 22 situation (i read the book and from what I can understand, a crazy screaming outside the house definitely counts) as in. If I go give him a pound yelling OMG JESUS CHRIST HERE YOU GO TAKE IT TAKE IT FOR THE LOVE OF GODDD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. But then he would be back and hassling me and the thought of his little bald head peering in my window whilst I am trying to sleep is just too too much
And then I might feel a little bad letting loose on a crazy because.. you know. He's crazy.
Sadie: They deserve it. Just cos they're crazy, doesnt mean they are good peeps.
Me: Yeah but if they are bad peeps it is because there is a duck siting on their shoulder whispering stuff about melon balls and whatnot
Sadie: Laughing!
Sophie: Tell him to k no b off! If I was there I would!
I swear!
Sadie: SOPHIE!
Sophie: Yeah, we had this discussion. If we give him a pound then he’ll move on from Alan to us. I thought we could throw coppers really hard out the window at his big bald head so he doesn’t know where they are coming from. But I think he might just come back praying to the sky.
Sadie: LAUGHING!
So, really what we're all saying is that shooting then burying in cement to cover up the crime is your only option.
Sophie: Honestly, I had to restrain myself (ok, matt had to restrain me) when I was cooking dinner listening to it. I was about to go out with my knife aloft! I wouldn’t have stabbed him, just used it to emphasise a point.
Sadie: I felt like that at 1am when crazy neighbours were bickering.
Sophie: Oh mate, I think I would probably write them a letter saying please argue-whisper between 9pm-7am as it’s very inconsiderate.
Sadie: Or I could just shoot and cement 'em.
Me: yeah. but is it worth the effort? I mean. where are we gonna get cement from?
Sadie: I had not considered that.
Me: we'll do a deal. u scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. and by scratch i mean kill. and by back i mean neighbours
Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
I am more than prepared to scratch your backs. honestly, MORE THAN PREPARED.
Here is an example of what used to wake me up at oh fuck o clock every weekend.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNN ALANNNNNNNN....... lend me some money Alannnnnnnnnnn!!! Carollll Carolll where's Alan? He doesn't want to talk to me? Lend me a pound Carol! Carol! Alannnnn I'm down on a tenner Alan!!!
Anyway. Sophie and Matt did not believe me until they witnessed it firsthand. Sophie was all DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? And I was all *blink blink*
Me: Someone might need to provide me with an alibi in a minute.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
Maybe you should go out and tell him you'e Alan. That'll confuse the crazy. Though I suspect most things confuse a crazy.
Me: No, you see. It is a Catch 22 situation (i read the book and from what I can understand, a crazy screaming outside the house definitely counts) as in. If I go give him a pound yelling OMG JESUS CHRIST HERE YOU GO TAKE IT TAKE IT FOR THE LOVE OF GODDD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. But then he would be back and hassling me and the thought of his little bald head peering in my window whilst I am trying to sleep is just too too much
And then I might feel a little bad letting loose on a crazy because.. you know. He's crazy.
Sadie: They deserve it. Just cos they're crazy, doesnt mean they are good peeps.
Me: Yeah but if they are bad peeps it is because there is a duck siting on their shoulder whispering stuff about melon balls and whatnot
Sadie: Laughing!
Sophie: Tell him to k no b off! If I was there I would!
I swear!
Sadie: SOPHIE!
Sophie: Yeah, we had this discussion. If we give him a pound then he’ll move on from Alan to us. I thought we could throw coppers really hard out the window at his big bald head so he doesn’t know where they are coming from. But I think he might just come back praying to the sky.
Sadie: LAUGHING!
So, really what we're all saying is that shooting then burying in cement to cover up the crime is your only option.
Sophie: Honestly, I had to restrain myself (ok, matt had to restrain me) when I was cooking dinner listening to it. I was about to go out with my knife aloft! I wouldn’t have stabbed him, just used it to emphasise a point.
Sadie: I felt like that at 1am when crazy neighbours were bickering.
Sophie: Oh mate, I think I would probably write them a letter saying please argue-whisper between 9pm-7am as it’s very inconsiderate.
Sadie: Or I could just shoot and cement 'em.
Me: yeah. but is it worth the effort? I mean. where are we gonna get cement from?
Sadie: I had not considered that.
Me: we'll do a deal. u scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. and by scratch i mean kill. and by back i mean neighbours
Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
I am more than prepared to scratch your backs. honestly, MORE THAN PREPARED.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
british
Sadie: Just working out how to put my auuuto spell check back on
Sophie: Mine won’t switch off yank!!! The setting is English UK but it’s still misspelling English words.
Do they not understand Brittania rules the world?!!!!!
Jess: Oh God, thats appalling. But laughing at BRTW!
Me:dont ask me. i tell you. being out of work, you lose all sense of routine and time and capability. srsly. im like. shall i even bother to brush my teeth?? but i do because. you know. gross. not that far gone.
had a LOVELY day yesterday though. walked down to palmers green as i needed to go to the post office and renew my tax disc. i could have driven as i was only a few hours untaxed and on the way to pick up a new disc but i really really dont need a criminal record at the moment.
anyway. i walked and yea verily was it hot. i had nickleback on the ipod though so happily bopped along. i started on one side of the high street in that little clothes shop by the station. there was a beautiful maxi type hippy dress in there but it was £30. so i wandered to the bank and paid in a cheque and sweated a lot because it was approx 75 thousand degrees in there. then some little kid said something to me and i forgot i had rock music blaring and i thought i said what but in fact i said WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
then i wandered along the charity shops. i bought a couple of books in each one. well done charity shops! then i crossed over and went to the post office where, again, they tried to boil me alive and i queued up and q-ed and q-ed and then i was like, huh, maybe i should have checked that they did tax discs in here before i started q-ing. but i was feeling all zen and all, well, i have nothing better to do. but luckily they did do tax discs in there AND i had all the correct documents. high five me.
then i wandered into the picture shop and bought a little card to send to gma and pa and a union jack pen to write it with. then i carried on in the charity shops and then i needed a sandwich from greggs because i hadnt eaten yet. obviously i got stuck behind a mental who was debating bread with the sullen teenage boy serving who had no idea what bread she brought last time (and he didn't care, either) and i was all I JUST WANT MY PLOUGHMANS SANDWICH OMG (i wanted the tuna actually but i eat a lot of tuna at home and i dont want to give myself mercury poisoning).
Then i went into b wise. but i came straight out again. then i went into ethel austin where i bought a beautiful sundress which was £10 - much better priced for me! PLUS i also purchased 2 of their lavender body scrubs which were meant to be £1.50 but my total was only ten so either i stole the body scrubs or my dress was only 7. either way. bargainous.
then i went to morrisons to buy some eggs for matt. then i came out and by seconds missed my bus. by this point my bad was so freakin heavy and i almost fainted from dehydration but i didnt want to risk leaving the bus stop and another elusive 121.
anyway. then i got home and so did matt and sophie and matt cooked chicken kievs and omg YUMMEY.
Jess: oh dude that was VERY entertaining...
Sadie: Wasn't it! Laughed loud at the PO trying to boil you! Good on the dress for £7!!!!! I am off out now before the highest temps hit to see what the clothes shops in Leadenhall have.
Me:i came home and drank about 2 pints of water and lay very still. my whole outing only cost 15. unless you include a tax disc which was 66. and if that car breaks down before the disc is run out i will shake my fist
Sadie:Shake your fist and say grrrrrr no doubt.
Me: And needless to say i will be writing to complain
Sophie: Mine won’t switch off yank!!! The setting is English UK but it’s still misspelling English words.
Do they not understand Brittania rules the world?!!!!!
Jess: Oh God, thats appalling. But laughing at BRTW!
Me:dont ask me. i tell you. being out of work, you lose all sense of routine and time and capability. srsly. im like. shall i even bother to brush my teeth?? but i do because. you know. gross. not that far gone.
had a LOVELY day yesterday though. walked down to palmers green as i needed to go to the post office and renew my tax disc. i could have driven as i was only a few hours untaxed and on the way to pick up a new disc but i really really dont need a criminal record at the moment.
anyway. i walked and yea verily was it hot. i had nickleback on the ipod though so happily bopped along. i started on one side of the high street in that little clothes shop by the station. there was a beautiful maxi type hippy dress in there but it was £30. so i wandered to the bank and paid in a cheque and sweated a lot because it was approx 75 thousand degrees in there. then some little kid said something to me and i forgot i had rock music blaring and i thought i said what but in fact i said WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
then i wandered along the charity shops. i bought a couple of books in each one. well done charity shops! then i crossed over and went to the post office where, again, they tried to boil me alive and i queued up and q-ed and q-ed and then i was like, huh, maybe i should have checked that they did tax discs in here before i started q-ing. but i was feeling all zen and all, well, i have nothing better to do. but luckily they did do tax discs in there AND i had all the correct documents. high five me.
then i wandered into the picture shop and bought a little card to send to gma and pa and a union jack pen to write it with. then i carried on in the charity shops and then i needed a sandwich from greggs because i hadnt eaten yet. obviously i got stuck behind a mental who was debating bread with the sullen teenage boy serving who had no idea what bread she brought last time (and he didn't care, either) and i was all I JUST WANT MY PLOUGHMANS SANDWICH OMG (i wanted the tuna actually but i eat a lot of tuna at home and i dont want to give myself mercury poisoning).
Then i went into b wise. but i came straight out again. then i went into ethel austin where i bought a beautiful sundress which was £10 - much better priced for me! PLUS i also purchased 2 of their lavender body scrubs which were meant to be £1.50 but my total was only ten so either i stole the body scrubs or my dress was only 7. either way. bargainous.
then i went to morrisons to buy some eggs for matt. then i came out and by seconds missed my bus. by this point my bad was so freakin heavy and i almost fainted from dehydration but i didnt want to risk leaving the bus stop and another elusive 121.
anyway. then i got home and so did matt and sophie and matt cooked chicken kievs and omg YUMMEY.
Jess: oh dude that was VERY entertaining...
Sadie: Wasn't it! Laughed loud at the PO trying to boil you! Good on the dress for £7!!!!! I am off out now before the highest temps hit to see what the clothes shops in Leadenhall have.
Me:i came home and drank about 2 pints of water and lay very still. my whole outing only cost 15. unless you include a tax disc which was 66. and if that car breaks down before the disc is run out i will shake my fist
Sadie:Shake your fist and say grrrrrr no doubt.
Me: And needless to say i will be writing to complain
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Security breach
Dear Spammers and Chancers,
If you are going to send me email alerts about security problems with my bank account and could you have my details please, at least try and send me an email about a bank I actually have an account with.
Who is falling for this shit anymore?
Now, excuse me, I've got to give my friend Mr Okiwana Mombasando my account details so he can transfer 12 million to me as his family (The Royal Family of Nicaragua) are trying to kill him and he wants to start a new life in the U.K.
If you are going to send me email alerts about security problems with my bank account and could you have my details please, at least try and send me an email about a bank I actually have an account with.
Who is falling for this shit anymore?
Now, excuse me, I've got to give my friend Mr Okiwana Mombasando my account details so he can transfer 12 million to me as his family (The Royal Family of Nicaragua) are trying to kill him and he wants to start a new life in the U.K.
Monday, 1 June 2009
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
liberated
Sophie: Did anyone other than Ro and I watch 'Crimewatch'?
They caught these old dudes printing almost perfect replica bank notes. They ranged in age from 60 – 80 . I was really gutted that they got caught.
Murder, rape and pillagery doesn’t get 10 months surveillance work. 5 old boys trying to con the government and make a fortune did though.
Sadie: Laughing! I hope I'm that active and inventive when I'm 80!
Sophie: Let’s face it…. You aren’t now. What’s gonna change?
Sadie: Cruel. And untrue. I'm very inventive when it comes to work avoidance, morning avoidance and generally any effort avoidance
Me: We were also watching 'The One Show' last night. It was about what has liberated women. Answer? The washing machine.
"Me: Well. That's pushing it a little. Not equality then?"
Anyways, Apparently in ye olden days, women got up at 4 to do their washing because they had to hang it up by midday otherwise other women on the block thought they were lazy.
Sophie: " WHAT. I'd be all LADIES LADIESSSSSSSSSS"
Sadie: LAUGHING! I'd be hanging mine up at midnight then when the other ladies were all getting up at 4 I'd mention some of us had got up at 2 in the morning to do our washing.
Sophie: I don’t understand why they had no common sense between them. I’d have just been like ‘let’s not be hating on each other. Let’s all have a lie in and sort this out together at a reasonable time’
They were all good mates with the neighbours in thems days.
... I think this has affected me deeply.
Jess: LAUGHING!!!
So! I've discovered I was missing a bra wire...so I've realised it's that wots caught in my machine...so...I've borrowed ally's ratchet spanner set as I don't have any spanners/ratchets and tonight I am going to attempt to take the back off my washer and see if I can find the wire.....this will be monumental proof of how it sucks big time to be fu**ing liberated....
Sadie: Ah! The old bra wire in the machine trick. Happened to me in Swindon, but it didn't break the machine so I just ignored it. Also it wasnt my machine, so I couldnt have given a flying f*ck.
Yup, it sucks to be liberated.
Sophie: At least it will be less hexpensive though. I accidentally put a platinum silver and pink diamond cubic zirconia pendant in ours the other day and it has been irrevocably damaged.
Jess: I haven't done it yet.....dad says I won't be able to get to it from the back.*sigh* I can feel a major FAIL coming on...meanwhile Ally has washed all my tops for me...undies and sock shi* to do by hand tonight... *wow*
Sophie: Well. This absolute nutttttt case just called me.
Me: HAHA! Oh dearrrrrrrrr. God. Me and the crazies here are having a music competition. Who can play theirs loudest. Blatantly I am going to win since they only appear to have elvis in their collection.
Just cleaned the bathroom. Stood in the bath to clean the shower. Somehow turned shower on. Am soaked.
Sophie: Hey dude, I brought you a new mascara as a cleaning present. Good times.
Jess: AW that's nice.
Sophie: She earnt it…
Tee hee
Our house was MINGING
M I N G I N G
Apart from my cleaning lots of mould from bathroom blind, front door and hallway skirting boards. All those areas were sparkling.
And an outside cupboard. Just one mind. Where we store the alcohol. I displaced a good few spiders.
The other one is Matt’s cupboard of Potential Death and Hell. Ro and I keep the hoover and mop there and the rest is matt’s OCD collection of electrical goods boxes. In case some day we may need the cardboard box the cd player came in.
Me: I cleaned the lounge, including skirting boards and picture rails.
Mould : Behind wall hanging and in corner of room.
Spiders : 3
I cleaned the kitchen, including cleaning out all the cupboards, on TOP of the cupboards, and the fridge
Mould : Loads but mainly behind fridge and pulling that out was above and beyond.
Spiders : 2
Hallway : Skirting rail
Mould : None cos SOphie did it.
Spiders : 1
My Bedroom : Including all under the bed and behind cupboards
Mould : Back of cupboard
Spiders :1
Dead Birds : 0
Rat : 0
Bathroom :
.. Im bored of this. But the point is. There are spiders everywhere, which i leave, YOU'RE WELCOME JESUS and mould. And I have finally finished and do not have any more cleaning to do which is a relief because seriously, 4 days worth is a lot.
Also, spookily, I opened Matt's outside cupboard and his Wii box fell on me and the kitty litter and whatnot and I was all.. shall I?? And then 7 spiders fell off the mop and I quickly locked the door and RAN AWAY
Sadie: Laughing LAUGHING!
Dude, thats a lot of hard work, and a lot of spiders. And mould, a lot of mould. But at least you scored nil on the whole dead bird/rat/hedgehog/rattlesnake/chicken/fox area.
Ange keeps her cardboard boxes too - mostly on the lounge floor. I found one in her cupboard for her 8 year old iron. Wjen I asked her why, she wouldnt look me in the eye, just shuffled her feet and mumbled something about if she ever had to move.....something to pack it in...........protect it from things........
Silliness.
Me: OMG. That is pretty bad. I do NOT have the hoarder gene and am capable of chucking things willy nilly. it is something dad frowns on greatly because omg what if you just NEED a cable that was for your 1980s walkman or whatnot.
Sophie: For some peculiar reason my email deletes sadie’s messages. Or they are going in to a black hole. Because I see them , then they go. Velly strange.
That box keeping thing is so crazy. 8 yr old iron box tops the biccie though!
Sadie: Have you 'ruled' mine to spam? Cos, you know man, thats a bit rude.
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