fitties

In a bid to get fitter, Sophie bought us a pedometer each. She is VERY competitive about doing the most steps a day. Apparently the losers have to make the winner a cup of tea each however I fail to see how this is any different from normal.

Me: 2323 steps

Matt: 3398 steps. Now that we are emailing this we are definately losers!

Sophie: 3751, ahead, as per usual.

Me: Matthew that is the quickest you have ever replied to an email. This has obviously GRIPPED you.

Sophie: Matt would reply but he’s currently running laps of the car park

soapier

Sophie: Jess, just thought i’d tell you that now, whenever someone at work makes a bit of a cock up someone else will do a mental comparison and then say ‘it’s not as bad as the phone soap’. I didn’t even start it!! Phone Soap has become the barometer for when we do something stoopid.
So far nothing has actually been deemed worse than Phone Soap.

Sadie: Oh F***CK AM I LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!

Jess: Yeh, of COURSE YOU'D be laughing!!!

Sadie: F*cking priceless that.

soapy still

Sophie: Titch – the soap has gone unmentioned today until now. My fave ever bit was when you said it had no signal.

Me: And mine! Am at Titches now. Dad is fixing her machine. He is filthy. He is telling me about the last time he fixed her machine and how he pulled so much wire out (from her reinforced bra) that he could have build a rabbit hutch.

Me: Just realised this also sending to dad. Sorry for being a snitchnose dad. He is lying in a load of moss and dirt right now for you though. I think i'll have to make him run behind my car as it has been cleaned.

Jess: How's Mark getting on? Is he ok?

Me: There is a lot of grumbling and bad language going on... You should probably brace yourself.. plus my padders is filthy.

Jess: Oh god........your padders is filthy, that has nothing to do with me or my washing machine..........

Me: Har.....
hold the phone.... might be sorted......
... or not... what i just heard "fucking stupid thing"

Jess: Oh laughing........... Poor Mark, he's amusing us all here tho............

Me: ME: Dad, Jess wants an update
Dad: I am keeping my fingers crossed

So there you go. Current action for you there.
Plus he is eating sweets.
It is flippin cold in here as the backdoor is open. My boobs are so cold. For reals. Being a plumbers mate ain't glamorous that is for sure.

Jess: There's a lovely hoodie hanging in the hall dude, keep you warm, he found sweets? oh yeh sucky ones, he is a trooper....
so are you................


Me: Update, live - Dad: We're really getting there now Ro!! . . . I think.

Sadie: Laughing at Mark not allowed in the newly cleaned car. What did you clean it with? A bar of mobile, or the more traditional bar of soa?

Jess: OH HA HA HA HA HA!!! and what pray tell is a SOA? Sadie.on.acid?

Sophie: Yep Jess, try and shift who we are laughing at here…. I would too.

Sadie :F*******king LAUGHED so so much at that!

Me: I tried using my mobile but it really wasn't shifting the dirt

Jess: Oh for the love of god......... m*therf*cker, i'm advising you to shut your c*ckholster before i tie you're whor*ass into a pretzel.

Sadie: Madam!

Me: I think we're pretty safe. I mean, Jessica could threaten to shoot me or whatever but she'd probably be picking up a banana and not a gun

Sadie: FUNNY FUNNY!

Sophie: HA
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

Jess: bollo**s.

soap as phone? fail

Jess: I PICKED UP A BAR OF NOVELTY SOAP OFF MY BED INSTEAD OF MY PHONE!!!! ... got no signal.

Rosie: HAHA

Sophie: Really laughed and read it aloud to people and they laughed too.

Jess: *BLUSH* Jessica the tard!

Sophie: I’m never going to forget this

Jess: Repeat...... Jessica the tard.

Me: I keep laughing everytime I read 'I got no signal' . . . did you get into a right old lather?

Jess: OH hahahahahahahah

Sadie: The question is, was the novelty soap in the shape of a mobile? If so that (still makes you tard) is totally understandable.

Jess: DUDE! It IS the same shape and size of my mobile, BUT, there, the similarity ends...the soap is multicolored greens and blue tropic island colours.....
JESSICA IS SO A TARD!
...and DUDE, rude message.

Sophie: Tropic island colours… hHAHAHAHAHAH ahahahaha AHAH

Jess: *SNRFF*

Dad: Got my hands dirty over the park today. Tried to wash them with mobile phone and water, silly me

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jess: OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!
OH.MY.GODDDDDDDDDD!!!!! SOPHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU TOLD MARRRKKKKKK. LOOK. It could happen to ANYONE!

Sophie: Just off to the park now myself. I’m taking my bar of soap with me. Ohhhh no… I mean phone.

Jess: Look. It could happen to anyone... I'm gonna be hearing about this alot aren't I.

Me: I've never grabbed a novelty soap instead of my phone...

Jess: F**K off the lot of youuuuuuu. (Jessica is too sensitive for this world.) You lot are wan**rs. Big hairy to**ers.

Dad: Just had a shower to cool off, strange my bar of soap started to ring going to use my old brand in future

Jess: This isn't getting old is it.

Me: Have you ever used an iSoap? Really stings.

Jess: Oh Goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Sophie: Good one! I have to snigger quietly because I can’t be bothered to tell people I’m still laughing at the soap.

Jess: I can SEE these emails you know…..The soap looks (exactly) nothing like a phone.

rules are rules

In our house there is a rule. If Sophie and Matt go out for the evening I am allowed either one man OR six midgets.

Sophie: Im going out to tea with twins this eve and matt is going to see his pa.

Me: but id prepared . . . ha ha

Sophie: Prepared an amuse bouche, followed by oysters and champagne, followed by steak and chips followed by a triple chocolate mousse followed by a cheese board served from the naked chests of 7 midgets?

Me: yeah that was what i was going to do. except then i realised it wouldnt work as i am only allowed 6 midgets.

Sophie: Matt, is rosie allowed a 7th midget?

Me: I'd love it as much as the other 6!

Matt: i'm going to have to be a stickler for the rules and say only six midgets are allowed

just say the word

I am not sure if I have mentioned it on here (and I cannot be bothered to go back and check) but there is a crazy house next to ours and a nutter who is forever calling his mate Alan from our driveway. You see, the back garden of the crazy house is down our driveway and so Alan's mate walks down it and leans over their fence and calls for Alan.
Here is an example of what used to wake me up at oh fuck o clock every weekend.

ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNN ALANNNNNNNN....... lend me some money Alannnnnnnnnnn!!! Carollll Carolll where's Alan? He doesn't want to talk to me? Lend me a pound Carol! Carol! Alannnnn I'm down on a tenner Alan!!!

Anyway. Sophie and Matt did not believe me until they witnessed it firsthand. Sophie was all DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? And I was all *blink blink*

Me: Someone might need to provide me with an alibi in a minute.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
Maybe you should go out and tell him you'e Alan. That'll confuse the crazy. Though I suspect most things confuse a crazy.

Me: No, you see. It is a Catch 22 situation (i read the book and from what I can understand, a crazy screaming outside the house definitely counts) as in. If I go give him a pound yelling OMG JESUS CHRIST HERE YOU GO TAKE IT TAKE IT FOR THE LOVE OF GODDD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. But then he would be back and hassling me and the thought of his little bald head peering in my window whilst I am trying to sleep is just too too much
And then I might feel a little bad letting loose on a crazy because.. you know. He's crazy.

Sadie: They deserve it. Just cos they're crazy, doesnt mean they are good peeps.

Me: Yeah but if they are bad peeps it is because there is a duck siting on their shoulder whispering stuff about melon balls and whatnot

Sadie: Laughing!

Sophie: Tell him to k no b off! If I was there I would!
I swear!

Sadie: SOPHIE!

Sophie: Yeah, we had this discussion. If we give him a pound then he’ll move on from Alan to us. I thought we could throw coppers really hard out the window at his big bald head so he doesn’t know where they are coming from. But I think he might just come back praying to the sky.

Sadie: LAUGHING!
So, really what we're all saying is that shooting then burying in cement to cover up the crime is your only option.

Sophie: Honestly, I had to restrain myself (ok, matt had to restrain me) when I was cooking dinner listening to it. I was about to go out with my knife aloft! I wouldn’t have stabbed him, just used it to emphasise a point.

Sadie: I felt like that at 1am when crazy neighbours were bickering.

Sophie: Oh mate, I think I would probably write them a letter saying please argue-whisper between 9pm-7am as it’s very inconsiderate.

Sadie: Or I could just shoot and cement 'em.

Me: yeah. but is it worth the effort? I mean. where are we gonna get cement from?

Sadie: I had not considered that.

Me: we'll do a deal. u scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. and by scratch i mean kill. and by back i mean neighbours

Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
I am more than prepared to scratch your backs. honestly, MORE THAN PREPARED.

british

Sadie: Just working out how to put my auuuto spell check back on

Sophie: Mine won’t switch off yank!!! The setting is English UK but it’s still misspelling English words.
Do they not understand Brittania rules the world?!!!!!

Jess: Oh God, thats appalling. But laughing at BRTW!

Me:dont ask me. i tell you. being out of work, you lose all sense of routine and time and capability. srsly. im like. shall i even bother to brush my teeth?? but i do because. you know. gross. not that far gone.

had a LOVELY day yesterday though. walked down to palmers green as i needed to go to the post office and renew my tax disc. i could have driven as i was only a few hours untaxed and on the way to pick up a new disc but i really really dont need a criminal record at the moment.

anyway. i walked and yea verily was it hot. i had nickleback on the ipod though so happily bopped along. i started on one side of the high street in that little clothes shop by the station. there was a beautiful maxi type hippy dress in there but it was £30. so i wandered to the bank and paid in a cheque and sweated a lot because it was approx 75 thousand degrees in there. then some little kid said something to me and i forgot i had rock music blaring and i thought i said what but in fact i said WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

then i wandered along the charity shops. i bought a couple of books in each one. well done charity shops! then i crossed over and went to the post office where, again, they tried to boil me alive and i queued up and q-ed and q-ed and then i was like, huh, maybe i should have checked that they did tax discs in here before i started q-ing. but i was feeling all zen and all, well, i have nothing better to do. but luckily they did do tax discs in there AND i had all the correct documents. high five me.

then i wandered into the picture shop and bought a little card to send to gma and pa and a union jack pen to write it with. then i carried on in the charity shops and then i needed a sandwich from greggs because i hadnt eaten yet. obviously i got stuck behind a mental who was debating bread with the sullen teenage boy serving who had no idea what bread she brought last time (and he didn't care, either) and i was all I JUST WANT MY PLOUGHMANS SANDWICH OMG (i wanted the tuna actually but i eat a lot of tuna at home and i dont want to give myself mercury poisoning).

Then i went into b wise. but i came straight out again. then i went into ethel austin where i bought a beautiful sundress which was £10 - much better priced for me! PLUS i also purchased 2 of their lavender body scrubs which were meant to be £1.50 but my total was only ten so either i stole the body scrubs or my dress was only 7. either way. bargainous.

then i went to morrisons to buy some eggs for matt. then i came out and by seconds missed my bus. by this point my bad was so freakin heavy and i almost fainted from dehydration but i didnt want to risk leaving the bus stop and another elusive 121.

anyway. then i got home and so did matt and sophie and matt cooked chicken kievs and omg YUMMEY.

Jess: oh dude that was VERY entertaining...

Sadie: Wasn't it! Laughed loud at the PO trying to boil you! Good on the dress for £7!!!!! I am off out now before the highest temps hit to see what the clothes shops in Leadenhall have.

Me:i came home and drank about 2 pints of water and lay very still. my whole outing only cost 15. unless you include a tax disc which was 66. and if that car breaks down before the disc is run out i will shake my fist

Sadie:Shake your fist and say grrrrrr no doubt.

Me: And needless to say i will be writing to complain