its like this

This website - Jamphat - explains rap in graphical terms. My favourites were: the one showing which day we were going to drink Bacardi (Shortys Birthday), Things that you can touch and things you cannot (this), Which individuals in a trailer park go round the outside (girls) and how many boys were bought to the yard by whose milkshake.

Other things I like:

Dad: Lucy! Your plant in the lounge has sprouted fruit!!
Mum: Really? Wow! Fruit?
Dad: Yeh, these red berry things!
Mum: I’ll come have a look!

*2 minutes later*

Mum: Hahahah Rosie, he thought the red plastic Christmas berries I’d put on were real! I was all, yeah and that’s a real fairy! And check it out; it’s sprouted a gold star! Ha ha, Mark! Mark! Lets call Gardeners World magazine!! I think we have an exclusive for them!

*2 minutes later*

Me: Look! Dad! That plant has sprouted a cup of tea for you!! Whoa….

homework

I just got asked to do a 5-year-olds homework because I’m ‘good at things like that.’ I would hope any adult is up to this standard frankly. The homework just got completed by 2 heads of departments:

IT Head: Do you think that it looks ok?
Me: I think that it looks very professional...you know, like how if 2 heads of departments completed it!!!


Some Seinfeld quotes I like:

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

animal, tree or bag?

When England and America collide:

America: Is that bag ‘gator?

England: No it’s Mulberry

America: What kind of animal is a mulberry?

England: It's a tree

Me: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa HA

silver tongued devil

Don’t bother insulting me. I do it perfectly well for myself. Yesterday someone I email (work related) asked what I looked like and I said like a troll.

Today someone said I reminded them of a film star and I said I hope they didn’t mean Vanessa Feltz. I know she is not a film star. Just a moment ago I told someone I was channeling manatee.
Me: I don’t mean I look like a manatee….
Shamima: You really didn’t need to clarify that

What I meant was I am being all Zen. When you bother a manatee he swims away. Bother him some more? He swims further away.

Also, an email that made me laugh:

-----Original Message-----
From: Steve
Sent: 28 November 2007 16:28
To: Rosie
Subject: Testimonial

(Slightly amended genuine testimonial from a real client)

"(My Company) has an excellent understanding of the blah blah and have provided us with expert advice on the likely performance of blah blah.
Their understanding of the risks involved in this area was first-class and their independent analysis was an essential input to our decision making process.

Blah blah

Working with Steve is an absolute pleasure. The man is phenomenal. What he doesn't know about blah blah, isn't worth knowing.
Legend."

Me – I think I see where this was amended…

toilet talk

An air freshener has been fitted in all the toilets in the building. It is mounted high on the wall and you have to walk under it to get in the door. I never noticed it at first until I thought someone had spat at me. If you are unlucky it’ll randomly pffftt out air freshener over your head and you will spend the day smelling like toilet freshener. Because there is no mistaking that smell. It is like an old ladies armpit.

I personally think the air freshener is unnecessary in the ladies toilet on my floor. This is because there is only 6 full time female members of staff working here. And they are all normal and clean. The toilets are always beautiful and sparkling. I don’t know what setting they have the air freshener on but it is TOO MUCH. You go in and the cloying floral smell gets in the back of your throat. Not only do you come out stinking of flowers, you can taste them too.

Also, someone keeps turning the lights out in there and I have to grope around in the dark. I don’t want to be groping around in the dark in a toilet no matter how clean the staff.

magic and mayhem

The train was packed this morning. We were all crammed on enough and then some guy felt this wasn’t crammed enough and pushed his way on. Normally I don’t mind. There is sometimes a bit of extra space and people need to get to work on time. But this time there was no space. And yet he still forced his way on. He stood behind me so I had my back to him. Which was a mistake. First of all he finished his carton of juice. And he was going to suck up every last drop from that carton. Then he burped so violently the hair on the back of my head moved. Then he blew his nose so loudly and grossly I was glad my back was to him. Then I looked up and noticed that the guy opposite me was staring over my shoulder and grimacing. I really did not want to know what the guy behind me was up to but I was counting the minutes until my stop.

On Friday I saw a magic show. My friend Corinne’s boyfriend was doing the lights for it and his friend was the magician. It was supposed to be a combination of magic and the dark arts or whatever. It was good. I like people who can hold their own against heckling. We drove him home and he was a really funny guy. I hope he goes on to do really well.

It was a good weekend. The perfect mix of going out drinking with pals, lounging in bed reading and spending time with my family.

fruity

M: Here Steve, have some plums

S: Thanks! But I need to go to the bathroom…. Rosie will you hold my plums for me?

Me: BEST SENTENCE YOU’VE EVER SAID!

today

Director (After finishing the first round of an interview with someone and writing notes about what he thought of her): How do I say professionally she was a bullshitter?

I caught a fast train to work and decided to go to Sainsbury and stock up on milk. When I arrived in the office and opened the fridge I found out that M had bought 10 on Friday and Davis had bought 10 on Monday. Won’t run out of it for at least 2 days now then.

Simpsons quotes I like:

“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!”

“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”

“I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.”

“There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”

bits

I went out to buy lunch and it was raining and the bottoms of my trousers are quite quite wet. Luckily me and M have an illicit fan heater under our desk.

Shamima - How did you get one of those?
Me - I can't tell you, the sexual favours we had to do... it would blow your mind.

I ordered a projector screen for a private event we were hosting. When it arrived on Friday it was broken. They couriered over another that afternoon that was also broken. They sent another. This one was fine. I was like; ok can you take the broken ones back please? The guy said he wasn’t authorised to pick anything up. Monday we received another working projector screen. I called them and told them. They have no record of this. This morning I received another one. The company now has 2 broken screens and 3 working ones. I’m thinking eBay.

My director just sneezed so hard he hit his head on his computer monitor.

One of the technical analysts walked out because we haven’t paid a bill on time for his technical software. I’m all – c’mon for something involving me to fail - heating, lights, phones....

good morning

Last night I watched Californication for the first time. It is a new series on Channel 5 with David Duchovny. The phrase ‘Stinky Pinky’ made me laugh.

Today I spoke to a stationary sales manager for what seemed like a 100 years. They try and get the company to buy their stationary and they are pests. This company have already tried to get us to buy their stationary and in the end we gave up answering their calls to the point where I received a really curt email from them. Then today I received a call from another sales manager there trying to get us to buy the same stuff that the other guy had. I was like, um, you should go talk to your colleague. But he didn’t and we ended up having the longest conversation about whether he should get his name tattooed on his arm. I was like, erm I think not because a tattoo is forever and ever and ever and ever. Though if you do get one please don’t get it in a foreign language. Anyway, it was a long phone call and it turned out he lives about 10 minutes from me and his sister went to the same uni as mine and probably were on the same course and now I’m thinking its gonna be kinda awkward when I ignore his calls. I can imagine him going up to the colleague who spoke to us before and being all – Rosie is lovely. And the other guy being all *shudder* ‘stone cold man, stone cold.’

Unfortunately I had taken the call at a colleague’s desk so they were all agog like goosegogs at this conversation and making smooching noises etc. When I hung up the phone one girl was like, you have the sexiest telephone voice ever and I would totally swoon if you called me.

Good morning!

charts

Mark came over to discuss the launch of the credit derivative research paper.

Me: Let me just have a look at todays edition.... why cant I read this chart?
Mark: Let me have a look... oh. I see the problem...
Me: I'm CD stupid?
Mark: ...No..The charts been put in upside down...... andddddddd back to front.
Me: Well that'll help our rep and credibility. I look forward to calling people regarding it

sexy

You totally do not want blowjob from me right now. Just had a falafel sandwich that was 87% chilli. My mouth is ten times the size it was an hour ago.

all hallows eve

The MD wanted to know why I was celebrating Halloween. I came into the office wearing an orange vest with black jeans and a black cardigan, orange sparkly eyeshadow and bat earrings.

Me: I am a seasonal whore!

Then I was walking to my desk thinking, is it ok to say whore in front of your MD? And I hope he understood I meant that I acknowledge most celebrations, especially if it requires going out for a drink to do so, and not that on certain days I go stand on a street corner and shake my money maker.

Via text:

M: I’m going to Sainsbury’s on the way in to buy us breakfast
Me: Ok but as long as it’s Halloween related….

When she arrives:
M: I bought breakfast!
Me: Yay maple and pecan pastry … though it is not so Halloween related….
M: That’s why I got you a Halloween iced biscuit too! Y’know having a sweet breakfast is the best thing for you
Me: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm hm
M: No it’s true! The sugar gives you energy and ....(etc etc)
Me: Ok, can you now justify us having a glass of wine with this?
M: Gotta have your portions of fruit every day

like john wayne in the desert

Seriously, don’t ever get anything delivered to my office because I will totally shake it to guess what is inside. Mark had a package delivered this morning. He sits opposite Andy. I went over and was all, Mark your ‘how to make friends and influence people’ book has arrived.

Andy - Heh heh
Mark - Haha very funny. Just because your IQ went up 30 points
Me: ..... What.... did it? How would you know this?
Mark – I’m just joking
Andy - I don’t get it
Me - Me either
Mark - Because of how you look now
Me - ...............
Andy - .........
Me - Wow Mark. This is almost as good as you telling me yesterday my eyes were like John Waynes in the desert
Andy - I don’t get that one either.
Me - Nope, I was like, I have nothing to say to that

wet butt

Some people I work with are funny:

M: Lorenzo you need to cut your hair
Me: No!! it looks lovely as it is!
M: No, I prefer short hair on a man
Me: He has sexy bed hair!
Maurice: So Lorenzo - it totally depends what lady you want to get with - cut your hair short or leave it long
Lorenzo - So what do I want to do if I want both of them at the same time?

Some people I work with are funny IN THE HEAD:

Mark: Wow Rosie, your eyes suddenly looked like John Waynes in the desert.
Me: I … don’t know what to say to that

And some people are just INCREDIBLY irritating:

Me: *sitting in a wet chair* What the….. D, why is this chair wet?
D: Oh (CEO) didn’t want it on his balcony anymore.
Me: So..you thought you’d put a wet chair back in the office?
D: Where else am I supposed to put it? Women, always complain…

fork off

There used to be forks in the office and now there are none.

*Lunch Time*

Lorenzo: Where are all the forks?

Me: Dunno, think (CEO) bins them when he has finished and we won’t replace them.

L: But I have spaghetti for lunch!!

Me: There are spoons in the cupboard still…

L: Oh my God!! Someone must know where the forks are!! I am going to send an email line round with the subject line – Re: Forks – Where are they? Then if no one replies I am going to start hiding the rest of the cutlery. Until people are reduced to eating their soup with a knife! Then I will hide the mugs! And the kettle! Then…

Me: This has really got to you, huh?

L: My spaghetti I had to cut into hundreds of pieces. Like a child. This is so degrading.

I can’t capture the moment enough but he was really wound up. Don’t be taking an Italians fork when he has spaghetti for lunch.

Also,

I will totally laugh if you tell me you want a ’50 inch monster’ even though I know you are talking about a TV.

I will also laugh if you say ‘I need a knob’ even though I know you are talking about a projector screen.

And I always smirk when the lift says ‘going down.’ .

if you're lucky

Find your own pose!

This is true. Though there is NO WAY YOUR FEET WILL TOUCH MINE if we happen to share a bed.

friends

I saw the Shaolin Monks with M last week. They were pretty good. Flipping all over the stage. My favourite part was when one lay down over a rack of knives and the whole audience was quiet making M saying: ‘he is crazyyyy’ all the more audible.

I also went to a classical concert in a beautiful church called St Johns in Notting Hill. It was M’s flatmate playing the violin and her friend playing the piano. It was all very civilised. Until we finished the evening in the pub. I have never felt so unwell at work as the next morning. We both would have called in sick except I was celebrating being at this company for one year (a surprisingly difficult feat) and had arranged for everyone to go to the pub that evening.
I arrived at the office where M, on the early shift, was just slumped over her desk trying to speak coherently to someone on the phone. She is from Slovakia and was finding it really difficult to speak English.
All morning I felt like I was on a ship. I think this is probably because I was still drunk. We didn’t finish the evening until 3.00 and had to be awake at 6.00. At lunchtime I was starving and wandered over to tell M who said: ‘Yeah me too. I guess that’s why I just ordered two large takeaway pizzas then.’ It is so not hard to know why we are friends.

Luckily we were both feeling better by pub time. Loads of people turned up at the pub, which was lovely, and it is such a big deal making a year here that I even got a card. So many funny, lovely messages.

On Fridays quite a few people from work head to the pub to start the weekend. I really love these Friday drinks as my favourite people from the office always attend. There is one guy,MS, who is really nice but sometimes does things I really don't understand. Like riling up a coked-to-the-eyeballs guy. I have no idea what he thought he would achieve by this but it was kind of worth it for this guy calling MS ‘curtains.’

coffee break

The CEO has started a trial of Nespressos coffee machine for the office and it is pandemonium. It is next to my reception desk and the guy showed me; D and M how to use it and left. I was all, ok I will go tell people the coffee machine is here and if they want to know how to use it to come to reception.

This is like the social area now. The Italians are standing round having a chat and I have to frisk them before they leave as we have a limited amount of pods and they are thieving the espressos.

What really made me laugh was when the guy was showing me how to use it:

Nespresso Guy: All the options, e.g. espresso button, normal, intense.., are programmed to put the right amount of water in your cup. Scientists at Nespresso worked out the correct amount and this is set. *I have shortened this for boredom related reasons but basically he rambled on for a hundred years on scientific reasons why 1.39.45 seconds is the correct bla bla*

Me: Yeh, fuck curing cancer and whatnot, lets work out the correct amount of hot water for a cup of coffee.

Then my colleague, D, got really anal and was asking about what happens if we disagree with the amount that they have programmed in. The guy looked a bit flummoxed like, we have scientists working round the clock on this...and you think you know better?? But he showed us how to change it all and IT WAS THE MOST COMPLICATED UNNECESSARY PROCEDURE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Seriously. Ridiculous amounts of buttons and sequences and yadda yadda.

Me: Ok, we will never need to know that. Put it back on the scientific option.

(Bearing in mind that there is also a hot water option so you can top your cup up should it fall short of what you think constitutes the correct coffee size) (But you’d be wrong since you are no coffee scientist)

D: Well...never say never

Me: No, we will never need to know

D: Well...what if someone says my coffee is not big enough? Is there an option on this machine to change the size?

Me: Sorry, there is no option to do that, but here is the hot water button

D: Nope, I think it is good to know

Me: Ok, fine, it is good to know, but we will never need it and if we do tell people there is this option they will be pressing buttons and messing with it etc etc

D: But you never know... what if (CEO) might ask if..

Me: Ok then, sorry this machine does not have this option, shall I put more hot water in it for you?

no glove, no love

Jenna: When you find yourself thinking: ‘I can’t be bothered to shave my legs because no one is going to see them’ is when you know you need a shag.

Me: Cheers Jenna. I mean, I like you and all ….

J: Waheyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy where’s my razor?

Me: Aw baby I like a bit of stubble. And if you could also maybe wear a fake beard? And call yourself Bob?

J: Well, I have a date this weekend anyway so I don’t need you. So ner. He is taking me to the zoo. I said: ‘Ok that’s fine, but no monkeying around!’ Heh, you see what I did there? Monkeying around.

Me: Yeah it was reallllllll subtle. Oh, and! You know how all we learnt in Spanish was where is my hat? Well I said it to a Spanish friend of mine last night and he was kinda shocked. Apparently you gotta be real careful with the pronunciation cos hat in Spanish sounds much like condom. I was all: ‘whoaaaa no wonder I got laid whenever I said that.’

J: Ha ha theres you thinking it was your exotic and erotic accent.

Me: Yeah I know. Egg on my face

ooo er

From: Thomas
To: Rosie

Do I need to add a croissant to get you over the edge?

making friends and influencing people

I love how specific his response is regarding the weather...

From: Rosie
To: Thomas

Thanks for all your help in this and I hope the weather is not as terrible there as it is here.
Rosie


From: Thomas
To: Rosie

We have a splendid autumn day. A little crispy at night and fog around dusk and dawn but otherwise 17 degrees and sunshine.
Best regards
Thomas


From: Rosie
To: Thomas

JEALOUS!

Rosie


Then I came into work today and received this:


From: Thomas
To: Rosie

Are you still jealous? Or have things improved at your end? The International book fair started so you might want to the chance and jump in a train. I might offer you a cappuccino to give you a warm welcome.
Best regards
Thomas


I only started emailing this guy yesterday. His emails make me happy.

Davis: Why are you smiling?
Me:No reason
Davis: You are flirting with that German guy again aren't you? Jeez.

lost and found

All the doors that I open here on a regular basis are fire doors. At 7.30 in the morning sometimes those things are heavy. Is all I'm sayin.

It is amazing how many responses you get back when you send a message like this:

From: Worthless Monkey
Sent: 01 October 2007 12:28
Subject: Found: Mobile

Anyone left a mobile in the mens toilets?
I have it at reception.

lovely lady lumps

Mum: I put all my summer clothes away in my trunk today.

Me: Is there a lot of junk in it?

Mum: No. It’s very neat.

Lulu: I think there’s a lotttt of junk in your trunk *snort*

Me: Mum. Whatchu gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk?

Mum: There isn’t any!

Lulu:Are you gonna make them work work make them work?

Mum: Wha...Who?

Lulu: Mum! What you gonna do with all that ass all that ass inside those jeans?

Me: Mum! Do you drive those fellas crazy, do it on the daily?

my boys

I had to go to the post office and Sainsburys for work (milk, coffee etc) and put the reception phone on answerphone. This means that all calls go through to Maurice and Max:

Max: Jeeeeesus, get back to your desk already. I am sick of fielding your calls. I am not paid to be a receptionist.

Maurice: Doubt Rosie is either

Me: But you two make such pretty receptionists!

Max: *pouting*

Maurice: Well, I do have the legs for it. And Max has the skirt.

Me: Anywayyyyyyy did anyone important call?

Maurice: Yeahh some guy, whatshisname….Dr something…

Me: Noooo!

Max: Yeah. I told him to fuck off!

Maurice: Nah, we just told him you were out with the rugby team.

Max: Pissed

Maurice: Animal

Max: Can’t get the staff

Me: Wow. I love how you guys got my back!

familiar yet really strange

This weekend I drove my mum and dad to the pub.

Dad: It’s a warm feeling knowing that sometimes your children can be fucking useful

On the way I pulled up at a cash point and mum got out. She was wearing a beautiful butterfly dress, leggings and heels.

Dad: Haven’t I done well with your mother? She’s a stone cold fox.

Mum: *getting back in the car* Ro, lets ditch your father and go out on the pull.

Me: oooooooooo you’re gonna feel so bad when I tell you what he was saying about you

Mum: *looking at Dad* Ahhhhhhh sweetie I’ll make it up to you later

Then I went home and cooked dinner for my sister Lu and brother Toby.

Toby was telling me about his friends, Tom and Harry.

Me: So.... does that make you a dick?

working 9-5 what a way to make a living

I really love the people I work with and I love that everyone makes an effort to come out for Friday night drinks. Whether you come for one drink or you are the last to leave.

Me: Ale, are you coming for a drink later?
Ale: No sorry, I'm off to Paris after work.
Me: Cool, bring me back a dashing French man. And a baguette.
Ale: Ok, and would you like me to bring back a baguette for you as well?
Me: Jeez, loweringgggg the tone.

partying like it's 1999

Last night I went to the O2 Arena and saw Prince. I went with So, Hawk and Fiontan and all three of them were wearing purple. I was all, sooooooooo obvious.

Prince was excellent. His stage was just his symbol shape with flashing lights and his dancers were busting out with very Tina Turner-esque moves. The kind of moves that I do in my room on my own when no one is watching.

My only complaint was the people who did not stay in their seats but instead who continually walked up and down the aisles and stairs to get more drinks or whatever. Who does that when the performance is underway?

I really liked the total jobsworth of a security guard who told the lone man standing on the stairs next to his seat that he was a hazard. Excuse you, if there is a fire, that man standing there is not going to be much of a hindrance to me barrelling past.

I also really love when people heckle. When Prince left the stage for the last time I totally joined in the boos. And the 'Prinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnce.'
I went to the cinema with my younger sister, LuLu, and the screen was fuzzy. All these young children started booing and I totally joined in.

Fiontan entertained me the whole way home with his game of lets make a conversation made up entirely of song lyrics. He also told the funniest story of how he was running for a bus and some guys in a van drove alongside him shouting: ‘you runnnnn like a gayyyyyyy boy.’

Fiontan: ‘And I was only getting the bus home because my gran had told me it was safer than walking!’

orcs in the aisle

I saw Lord of the Rings on stage with M. It was amazing. The staging was a work of art. My only complaint is regarding the FREAKING ORCS in the FREAKING AISLES. At one point they dimmed the lights. And the screaming began. In my head I knew they were just people dressed up but at one point I was trying to climb over M. I am your friend. Until the orcs roam the aisle. Then I will totally sacrifice you so I can run away.

The lift at my work was recently renovated. It took months and was only back in service recently. And I cannot see any improvement except that in feels like it has gone on that programme – Pimp my Ride. Our lift now has flashing green and red lights down the side and talks to you. But it says the wrong thing. Like, you reach your floor and it says: ‘Lift going down, doors opening.’ And it takes about 7 years for the doors to close or it to arrive. I kind of think they had cowboy engineers who were like, we’ll put flashing lights in it AND NOONE WILL EVER KNOW WE CAN’T REPAIR LIFTS.

excuse you rude

Last night I went out to dinner again with M. There is a groovy parade of restaurants in London on St Christopher’s Place. It is a bit like being in Ibiza or wherever it is that club reps stand outside trying to entice you in. But with waiting staff.
So we wandered along and settled on a Spanish tapas place. The waiter, unlike at every other restaurant along the street, was not bothered that we were interested in eating there and, in fact, ignored us until M stood in front of him and asked for a table. The table he gave us was recently vacated and needed cleaning so he said he would be back with a cloth. But he lied and it took another twenty minutes to attract his attention again. What with it taking so long for him to serve us, we decided whilst we had him there, we ordered our wine at the same time as asking him to wipe the table.

Waiter: *really arsily* Do you want me to get you wine or wipe the table?
Me: er…BOTH?

M: Whatssssss hissssss problem?
Me: Dunno, lets smile maniacally at him though to freak him out.

This totally worked and at the end of the meal he smiled back and had a chat with us.

M: Finallyyyyyyyyy
Me: Ha whatever, we got the Dr to tell us he loved us, he was nothing.
M: Yeah, he needed to try so much harder with the hostile…
Me: Needed to throw in a few worthless monkeys etc..
M: God we’re so jaded

Finished a beautiful evening with this exchange with my brother, J.

J: *standing outside bathroom*
Me: Damn, is there a queue?
J: Mums in there
Me: HaHa the door is totally unlocked, I’m going in. Don’t you wish you were a woman?
J: No I just wish I didn’t need a crap

murder on the dance floor

On Friday I went out for birthday drinks for an ex-colleague of mine, Mike. The pub we went to was rammed with people watching the England vs. South Africa…I wanna say Rugby…game. When the game ended, and people were quite pissed, the DJ started playing. I love that at the beginning he was playing ‘cool’ songs and people were nonchalantly standing around, maybe tapping their toes. Then he put on Summer of 69 by Bryan Adams and Livin’ on a Prayer by Bon Jovi and suddenly IT WAS MAYHEM on the dance floor. I think it says it all to say he ended the set with Queens Don’t Stop Me Now. Londoners. We are soooooo easy to please. I forget how much I enjoy dancing. Even though I am terrible at it. I can only dance with a glass of wine in my hand.

On Saturday I wandered my local high street with my parents and younger sister. We went to a second hand bookshop where my dad basically stood in the same place and read Duncan Bannatynes autobiography. But wouldn’t buy it because it was £5. My dad is really thrifty and rarely buys himself anything. He also rarely reads so to find a book that captured his attention in the shop for twenty minutes was impressive. But he left without buying it. Even though he told us he had wanted to read it for ages. Because it was £5. My mum was all: ‘For goodness sake, I’ll buy it for you. Out of our joint account.’ And he continued reading it down the street.

Saturday evening I went to the cinema with my 2 sisters and my sisters boyfriend, Hawk, to see SuperBad. We have taken to buying our own drinks and sweets and smuggling them past the Gestapo security. Adds a frisson of danger to the evening. I loved the film.

Sunday I was meant to go to the Thames festival but I never managed to get out of bed until eleven so I took my little sister to Brent Cross instead. She managed to buy a whole outfit whilst I only bought another black eyeliner.
In the evening I went to the cinema to see 1408 because my friends boyfriend and his friend did some of the electrical work. There is a scene in the film where John Cusacks character waves one of those long lights around – looks like a lightsabre. Apparently it was not John Cusacks hand holding it though. It was my friends. Most obscure claim to fame ever! He also kept the ashtray that was thrown through the window in one scene but sssh. Don't tell anyone.

shake it if you got it

M is arranging a hen party for her friend so after work she decided to head to Ann Summers for supplies. I offered to go with her for moral support. I am a good friend like that.

Before we went we were looking at the Ann Summers website where, amongst other things, you can buy a full sized strippers pole for £160.

Me: Imagine having that in your bedroom!!
M: Yeah, you’d be all swinging around it, the ceiling shaking…
Me: Your flatmate going: ‘What’s going on? What’s that noise?’
M: ‘Oh its nothing! I’m just…dancing…’
Me: *CRASH* ‘Don’t come in!! I’m fine!’
M: I can imagine so many bruises
Me: Imagine going to work the next day with a black eye or a broken arm. ‘How did you do that?’
M: ‘Oh, I just…walked into a door!’

So we went to the shop that evening and picked out the bits she wanted. Then we wandered downstairs which is where all the vibrators are kept. And oh my God. One of them looked like you could play Rounders with it.

M: What the hell would you use that for?
Me: Deter burglars?

The best part was the shop assistant in charge of the vibrators on display. There were quite a few people looking at them, picking them up etc and the shop assistant was throwing out random comments like: ‘That one is a best seller, 9/10 women agree.’ But the way he said it was like he was selling toothbrushes or something. Thee most dispassionate flat voiced commentary ever. I lost it a little bit when he was all: ‘Andddddddd that end goes in the anus whilst this part stimulates the clit-orrrr-us.’ I think that means you have been working there too long.

After the sordidness of the sex shop we needed some wine so we found a really cute Turkish restaurant and sat outside. It was a really lovely evening where you have a bottle of wine and then another and you’re best friends and you’re talking about everything…

When we had finished M went to the bathroom. The tables were quite close together and on the one next to us were another two girls. I was happily sitting there finishing my wine when I noticed that one girl had gone to the bathroom and the other was staring at me. And staring. Then she leaned in and said: ‘I think you and your friend should come back to mine. Me and my pal will show you both a good time…’

Me: Erm….

Then M came back I was like, ok lets go!

We got a safe distance from the restaurant and M said: ‘One of the girls sitting next to us totally propositioned me in the bathroom.’

It was a good night.

milk run

Via text:

ME - Hey M, we only have 2 milks left B.C (Before Cereal).

M - Ok I will get some. I know their cereal is sacred!

ME - God forbid they waste away, concentration and focus on their work dwindling, the competition beginning to sense weakness…. I'll get some at lunch if you cant be bothered.

M - I guess we wouldn’t survive the barbarian invasion if we wait with this strategic manoeuvre until lunch!

ME - You are right secret squirrel! I will batten down the hatches, secure the area and await your arrival with the package!

M - Done deal! Keep an eye on our enemy! I'll knock and bark 3x before entering the site.

Me - The reply will be a dot a dash and a dot beep beep. Don’t look back, beware of the red cows. My prayers are with you.

worthless monkey

My boss is a very busy man. This means that he finds it hard to remember names. So he will make one up for you. Not intentionally.

My friend Chris is Steve to him. This is because it is a derivative of his surname. I am so used to my boss, the good Dr, calling Chris Steve that I have begun to accidentally start calling him that myself:

From: Chris
To: Rosie
Subject: Oi!

Stop calling me Steve in front of all the new kids!

Before you know it they'll be as clueless as the Dr is about who Chris is!

Regards,

Steve

The Dr gets very stressed about work and during one of our, numerable, arguments he called me a worthless monkey and said a ten year old could do my job:

From: Rosie
To: Chris
Subject: RE: Oi!

You think you got problems - Dr thinks my name is worthless ten year old monkey. I’d settle for Steve any day.

Regards,
WTYOM

One of my jobs is to keep the office stocked with milk. Tea drinking is serious business here and God help you if there is no milk. GOD HELP YOU. Due to some office renovations the fridge housing the milk is now a long way from my desk. This means it is not so easy to check the milk status. Which means it runs out and the moaning, hair pulling and general weeping and wailing and rendering of garments will follow shortly. This morning I went to check the fridge and met Steve on his way back taking an unopened pint to the kitchen.

Me: Do you know how many cartons are left?
S: Er…no…I didn’t count
Me: Pffft

So I went to count. Then headed to the kitchen happy there was milk and I wouldn’t have to go to the shop.

Steve: So how many were there?
Me: 4. Or 3. Er… I think 3. Or 4. Lets say 3.5.
S: What! 4 or 3? You can’t count!! How many fingers am I holding up??

This email I received later, continuing from the earlier ones, made me laugh:

From: Chris
To: Rosie
Subject: RE: Oi!

Ten-year old?!

I was pretty sure it was more like a three or four year old monkey. Then again, three and four are such similar numbers I often struggle to differentiate between the two.

Counting is HARD!

Steve

Exchanges like this make me happy and I'm writing them here because I am getting very old and forgetful. Nothing to do with all the alcohol I drink AT ALL.