just say the word

I am not sure if I have mentioned it on here (and I cannot be bothered to go back and check) but there is a crazy house next to ours and a nutter who is forever calling his mate Alan from our driveway. You see, the back garden of the crazy house is down our driveway and so Alan's mate walks down it and leans over their fence and calls for Alan.
Here is an example of what used to wake me up at oh fuck o clock every weekend.

ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNN ALANNNNNNNN....... lend me some money Alannnnnnnnnnn!!! Carollll Carolll where's Alan? He doesn't want to talk to me? Lend me a pound Carol! Carol! Alannnnn I'm down on a tenner Alan!!!

Anyway. Sophie and Matt did not believe me until they witnessed it firsthand. Sophie was all DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? And I was all *blink blink*

Me: Someone might need to provide me with an alibi in a minute.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
Maybe you should go out and tell him you'e Alan. That'll confuse the crazy. Though I suspect most things confuse a crazy.

Me: No, you see. It is a Catch 22 situation (i read the book and from what I can understand, a crazy screaming outside the house definitely counts) as in. If I go give him a pound yelling OMG JESUS CHRIST HERE YOU GO TAKE IT TAKE IT FOR THE LOVE OF GODDD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. But then he would be back and hassling me and the thought of his little bald head peering in my window whilst I am trying to sleep is just too too much
And then I might feel a little bad letting loose on a crazy because.. you know. He's crazy.

Sadie: They deserve it. Just cos they're crazy, doesnt mean they are good peeps.

Me: Yeah but if they are bad peeps it is because there is a duck siting on their shoulder whispering stuff about melon balls and whatnot

Sadie: Laughing!

Sophie: Tell him to k no b off! If I was there I would!
I swear!

Sadie: SOPHIE!

Sophie: Yeah, we had this discussion. If we give him a pound then he’ll move on from Alan to us. I thought we could throw coppers really hard out the window at his big bald head so he doesn’t know where they are coming from. But I think he might just come back praying to the sky.

Sadie: LAUGHING!
So, really what we're all saying is that shooting then burying in cement to cover up the crime is your only option.

Sophie: Honestly, I had to restrain myself (ok, matt had to restrain me) when I was cooking dinner listening to it. I was about to go out with my knife aloft! I wouldn’t have stabbed him, just used it to emphasise a point.

Sadie: I felt like that at 1am when crazy neighbours were bickering.

Sophie: Oh mate, I think I would probably write them a letter saying please argue-whisper between 9pm-7am as it’s very inconsiderate.

Sadie: Or I could just shoot and cement 'em.

Me: yeah. but is it worth the effort? I mean. where are we gonna get cement from?

Sadie: I had not considered that.

Me: we'll do a deal. u scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. and by scratch i mean kill. and by back i mean neighbours

Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
I am more than prepared to scratch your backs. honestly, MORE THAN PREPARED.