Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeen

Going to a Halloween party tonight with my pal

Lauren: Well I couldn't get Medusa bits in the end so I'm now a zombie. ARGH!!! Fake blood galore!! But . . I tried out my make up last night and . . I need help dude!!!

Me: I will look up Zombies online to get some hints and tips! You should be a Zombie cheerleader!! You have loads of well short skirts.

Lauren: I don't own short skirts, only ankle length ones :) when they're on the floor . . .

Me: LAUGHING!!!! Funny!!!! I texted Elizabeth last night. Said I hope she was inviting some hot easy men.

Lauren: Date rape! That'll make it easy, hmmm won't change the hotness, I'm a zombie though so who cares :)

Me: Excuse you, I do not need to date rape my men. I am sure even as a Zombie, you will be hot. Some men like that look about a girl . . . but try and avoid those ones.

Lauren: Well, whatever happens, do not let me wake up in bed with ten 17 year olds again. I was so baffled!

Me: WHAT!???

rubbish

Sadie: Sophie left at 18.30 last night, that's very dedicated.

Sophie: How do you know that?!

Sadie: I installed spyware on my pc, its great!

Sophie: What can you spy on?

Sadie: Quite a lot. SPOOK SADIE

Sophie: Can you see me eating my plum?

Sadie: Yes.

Me: ... Lordy

Sadie: Actually, its just that when you don't open emails - cos you can read the one line without opening them- and delete them, it moves the email to your delete box. Then when you turn off your pc for the evening I'm sent an email saying user deleted email at 18.30 without reading it!

Sophie: Ohhhh mine has that too dudette! I can always see when people have read my mails. One time this guy kept deleting without reading and every time he did I resent it until he responded.

Sadie: Respect!

Sophie: Something I have to do which I find really annoying is make sure people are listed as Mr and Mrs. I.e. Mr and Mrs Jones if you have Mr J Jones and Ms S Jones. So if Jamie and I had bought a house we would be Mr and Mrs S. It's just so flipping archaic in this day and age to assume such things since no one can afford houses and is buying with relatives/friends.
And worse, if we have a first initial only I have to run reports making them all Mr. E.g - if we have S. Jones I make that Mr S. Jones. This is some outdated way of being polite because is it more polite to address a female as Dear Mr Jones than to address it to Dear S. Jones?? It is because it is assumed, in 2008, that only MEN can buy their own houses. So Rosie and I would be dear Misses S?! Then we have Cheif, Dr, Prof, Rev and that causes all kinds of palava. Not to mention the Chinese names...
E: "Would you say Ping Ping Lee is male or female?" "What about Xi Li Mi Pi Wi Cheung?"
Hmm, rant over.

Me: Really??? That is RIDICULOUS!!! I would have thought companies like yours would be more up to date than that!! I send letters out just to, eg, R Jones. This is because there is no title confusion AND at County, a self defense officer came in and said if possible have your mail not addressed to you as Miss because it means are more likely to live alone. Or somesuch.

Sadie: Really really laughing at Chinese names! Outrageous. When I get letters addressed to Mr H I ignore them on the basis that I'm not Mr H and its an offence to open someone else's mail. And exactly to the security reasons. I keep meaning to change my bank card which says Miss. Nobody needs that info about me unless they are planning to date me. Therefore, to the best of my belief, big sigh, nobody needs that info about me.

Me: Is it that they just want to jump your bones??

Sadie: I wish. Jump over my bones to get to the next in line more like.

Sophie: Tweeee tweeeeeeeee twannnnng twaaaangggg screech ... that was the sound of my violin.
I am going to change my bank card to Cheif. Or Doctor, since seemingly ANYONE can be a doctor. You have a masters in studying brickwork? You are not a dr.

Me: Cheif? Not chief of spelling that is for sure! BLEARRRRRRRRRRRS!!!!
Ye. My last boss was a 'dr.' But I tell you something. If I was having a heart attack he is the last person I want helping. And not just because he is a fake Dr but because if his mouth went anywhere near mine I would die and it would be very counter productive.

Sadie: LAUGHING!! Is all very confusing!

Me: People should write and complain . . . hey . . . where's Jessica?

Sophie: *put on my 'mum calling the dogs' voice*
JEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa

Sadie: Yes, where IS Jessica?

Me: Napping probably.
Dad is coming over tonight to fix our sink:
Me: Why is the bathroom sink blocked?
Sophie: It's Matt's fault
Matt: No it's not. It's yours!!! You dropped the glass down there!
Me: . . . .
Sophie: Well YOU dropped a razor blade down there
Me: . . . .
Matt: Well YOU dropped an earring down there
Me: BLIMEY MOSES

Sadie: Dear goodness. Do they live over the sink?

Sophie: Eh, I think the razor blade was a previous tenant. The glass was from the toothpaste mug and we only found all of this out because I lost my beloved earring (sob)

Me: I dunno. Living with maniacs. AND that includes Clyde. Do you know what he did last night!!!! DO YOU????!!!!!
We have been watching 'The restaurant' now for months. The 100 couples all competing to open a restaurant with Raymond Blanc being whittled down and eliminated each week. Final episode last night. We pause live tv so that we can watch it with our dinner. We watch the 2 teams battle it out on the Orient Express to cook for 40 passengers. Final moments. Raymond is just about to say who has won . . . CLYDE SITS ON THE REMOTE AND 100 POUND OF CAT PRESSED THE STOP BUTTON. The TV returned to normal viewing. It was UNBELIEVABLE. Matt's cat is proper stupid.

Sadie: Snorting!

Sophie: The whingey couple won! I know, awful.

Me: TRAVESTY.

Yes!

Lunch. Walking down the street:

Man: Alright lovely lady? Where are you going then?
Me: None of your business
Man: Alright. No need to be rude.
Me: I wasn't being rude. If I was being rude I would have said: "It's none of your fucking business

. . . and then I gave myself a mental high five

Sadie: Oh well done!!!!! I would have even done a physical high five in the air.

Me: You don't think my coolness might somewhat have been reduced if I had high fived myself then?

Sadie: Ok, you have a point. A fair point. Quite a good point actually.

but, was it though?

Sadie: Who saw Spooks last night? Just having a look at the bowling green outside my window where Rupert was.

Me: I SAW SPOOKS!!! Is the bowling green intact?

Sadie: Bowling green is still intact, just. But don't say anything as I don't know if Jess has watched Spooks yet. Don't want to spoil it for her.

Jess: Girls!!!! Fell asleep at 8.20pm last night (cos up at 5am Monday and couldn't sleep Sunday night) so missed Spooks ..... but....I'd really like to know what happened cos I think Rupert bought the farm... I don't like nasty shocks...tell me.

Me: He didn't buy no farm that is for sure

Jess: Jesus.... That's supposed to be my answer is it?

Sadie: Jess, yes sadly Rupe went out in a blaze of glory. But the good news is Mr A is delicious in it. As for Ros, she got some great lines last night, made me laugh out loud.

Me: So . . omg . . . Ruperts dead then????!!!!!!!!!

Sadie: I thought you said you watched it??????????

Me: YEAH but I thought he might have MADE IT. What is a blazing inferno to a Spook???!!! I've seen them survive much tougher spots.

Jess: Honestly who the fuck would have their job? They all freakin die!!!!

Me: Ruth watches it too. I got a text from her last night saying : "If they continue to blow everyone up, who is going to be left to save the country???" As I said, "NOT ME. I've seen Spooks. WAY too dangerous."

Sophie: I have never watched Spooks except for last night but I can confirm that noone came out of that splosion alive.
Funny here because some fule has been deleting things off T drive in the common folder used by the whole company thinking it would only delete it from their computer (yep, and they are EMPLOYED). I.T won't tell me who it is but it took 7 hours to recover so I think they might have got a slapped wrist. Tee hee

Me: OMG to deleting stuff!!!! How embarrassing!!!! 7 hours as well. Cor. ........Was it Matt?

Jess: Oh oh oh oh REALLY REALLY ffd!!!! WAS...IT....MATT................HAHAHAHAHHAHA

Me:
Matt: Our sink is leaking. It isn't so bad. We just need to replace that stuff round the pipe. You know, the gluey stuff.
Me and Sophie: Mastick?
Matt: Alriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Matts brother phones him:
Matt: We just need to replace that stuff . .
His Brother: The mastick?
Matt: Right. So. EVERYONE knows what is is except me. WHATEVER.

Jess: FFD!!!! He's funny!!!

Sadie: Laughing at dude deleting stuff off the common folder, what a dork! We have an hourly back up of all common drives here cos sensibly the bosses know we employ boneheads here too.
Rupert drove round Finsbury Square with a bomb and the controller was saying, yes you're miles away from anyone. Dude, think you need to update your A-Z from circa 1537

Jess: FFD!!!

Sadie: Still laughing at 'Was it Matt'

working things out in the morning

Sadie: Yummy, but baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad hair man.

Jess: I LOVE HIS HAIR...JARED'S

Sophie: Oh. I always miss the photo links so I never know what/who you are talking about. I've worked this one out now though. He is in a band called 40 seconds to Mars and I like a couple of their songs. I have just woken up from a very deep sleep on the bus and don't know what is going on.

Jess: Dude! WTF? But FFD you not knowing what's going on. What band? Who? What pic?

Sophie: You lot were rambling on about hair and then someone said this - "I LOVE HIS HAIR...JARED'S " So I worked it out as Leto. Then I said he is also in a band called 30 seconds to mars (havent seen him acting in anything recently) . I don't really know what is going on. Need some coffee.

Jess: DUDE.....so wrong.......Jared Padalecki........from Supernatural...... Prob cant sing for shi*e...

Me: Sophie, that was some good working out. But, wrong.

Jess: Fd! Yes.... Sophie....that was a really complicated working out process so well done from me too...

Me: "I've worked this one out now though. He is in a band called 40 seconds to Mars ... " I just reread this. HAHA. Yeah. WHAT a Sherlock.

Sophie: Haha but be fair to me I had JUST woken up and you were all muttering on about someone called Jered!

Me: Just funny. 'By the powers of my deduction I have come up with Jared Leto.' HAHA.

Sophie: Cos its such a common celebrity name

dirrrrrrrty

Attempts of Dirty Dancing fitness video: 3
Jokes made about DDFV: Millions





Every time I look at the pony picture I laugh. Me doing the pony and the mushroom float are 2 things I do that just crack Lulu up. I don't know why but she almost drowned when I demonstrated the ol' 'shroom float. (P.s. Why were we taught this in school? Knowing how to do a mushroom float can't help with anything (as your head is underwater) other than amusing people in your public pool).

unbelievable homework

This is a sample from some homework that Lulu sent me and Sophie to edit:

"Firstly I made my box. At the time I didn’t like it as it was an ugly colour and was just bad. So I put it in the bin (it also got caught in the rain and was soggy) and started again."

"The vision I perceived for the next box I made was better than the reality version of it."

"It took me 3 attempts to get my T-shirt right. On my 1st,the ink bled all over the t-shirt leaving nasty marks. On the second T-Shirt I used sellotape. I was not aware it melted when it gets ironed."

"(Although it doesn’t look it, my necklace took me years)."

"When I look at what other students have made they look more professional. I should of asked for more help and gone to the workshop."

It was an evaluation that we had neither seen the brief for nor the finished results. After editing her work, I sent it back to her and asked for some actual photos to look at. She managed to make an album on Facebook. Me and Sophie had a look at the photos and made comments. Eg. You should add ... to your evaluation. To which she phoned Sophie and went MENTAL. About the fact we were asking HER to add things to HER OWN homework. Sophie passed the phone to me.
Me: But, all you have to do is cut and paste the comments we've written . . .
Lulu: I CAN'T DO THAT. FOR GOD'S SAAAAAAAAAAKE

And:
Lulu: FINE!!! FINE JUST FORGET IT!!!

And she HUNG UP.

It was UNBELIEVABLE. You wouldn't believe it because it was unbelievable.

That morning she had asked me whether I would look at some homework for her. She said she would email it to me and I was going to have a look at it during my lunch break. I don't know WHAT happened (but I imagine it involved a nap) but I did not receive her homework until about 8pm when all I wanted to do was find out who was being kicked off 'The Restaurant.' Anyway. Then we ask to see some photos. The photos of items the evaluation was actually about and would have been pretty useful at the start. When it got to 10pm and we still hadn't received them, Sophie called her. To find out she was WATCHING DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. It was Unbelievable. All I wanted to do was go to bed with my hot-water bottle and instead I was being shouted at by a raving loon.

AND!!! Even after the hanging up and shouting, she sent me more homework to do on the history of geometry!!! 10.30pm and I was writing about how the Ancient Greeks used geometry for astrology, surveying and map reading.

I tell you, at 23 it is not how you want to spend an evening. Although the retelling greatly amused my father.

and it's all, coming back, to me, nowwwwwwwwww

This weekend the clocks went back and we gained an hour. This morning, it does not feel like this is the case.

Friday night I was trudging home in the rain when my friend Ruth texted me. She said she would bring round dinner and wine. This perked me up considerably. Matt and Sophie had gone out and me and Ruth sat in the lounge eating pizza, garlic bread and Ben and Jerrys. We also drunk quite a bit of red wine and sung Celine Dion songs. Well, I sung a Celine song to her and she thought it was hilarious and keeps sending me text messages with random lines from the song on. Here it is. You can imagine how confusing it was to receive some of the lines (if I touch you like thatttttt) at 1 in the morning.

"It's All Coming Back To Me Now"
Celine Dion

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back

There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper

There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And if we, , ,

ANYWAY. So. I sang that to her and then we watched SuperBad. Ruth fell asleep on the sofa. I let her nap and she woke up at the end of the film feeling quite refreshed.
Then there was the usual palaver of ordering a cab and telling them where we lived. For some reason we are not on any maps and if you Google us our postcode just points you to a spot in the middle of a road.

On Saturday Ruth came over again to pick up her car. She normally spends the weekend with her boyfriend but they had had one of their numerous rows so me, her and Sophie went into Enfield instead. Ruth is no longer a student and in the money a bit now, just at the time when me and Sophie pay rent and bills and whatnot. Ruth was buying jumpers and boots and we were buying butter, milk and a giant bag of pasta.

On Saturday evening me, So and Matt went over to mum and dads. They had emptied out the shed and put chairs, heaters and candles in there so we could sit outside but in warmth and shelter whilst dad bbqed. He kept saying, I cannot believe we are sitting out here instead of in the million pound house. It was pretty funny, especially since there was a slight storm raging outside making all the candles flicker and dance. I have to say though, it was the warmest bbq we have ever had and I had to take a jumper off. A jumper. I was wearing leggings, jeans, boots, thermal socks, a vest, a t shirt, a jumper and a fleece. Lovely jubbly.

Loads of things made me laugh. Lulu said to dad: 'If you can put your whole hand over your face, it means you are more likely to get cancer.' Dad put his hand over his face. Lulu punched him on the nose. Dad: 'oh my God. What was that? You nearly broke my nose.' Apparently it is some school thing. It made dad mutter about his nose for ages.

On Sunday it rained and rained and rained. For about 10 minutes it stopped and me and Sophie legged it to Tesco for dinner ingredients. When we came back we needed a nap. Even though we'd only been awake about 2 hours. I woke up around 5pm. Unbelievable. Made myself get out of bed. Turned the heating up because it was freezing, closed all the blinds and turned all the lights and lamps on to make the lounge cosier. Sophie and Matt cooked dinner and we watched the X Factor and Strictly. Matt says me and Sophie are really harsh critics, worse than the judges. In the main because we generally like the hot swimmer as opposed to whoever dances/sings better.

Am now at work. And it is Monday. Enough said. Except that this is a bloody big mouse.

I laughed a lot at this

Me: SADIE! I was part of a beautiful meeting today. I wrote on my pad and nudged R. He said 'what does 'm' mean?' I think you know, don't you!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????

Sadie: No, what does M mean?

Me: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Sadie: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Jess: What is it then?

Me: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Jess: But why?

Sadie: Because the guy was hot. Or morish. Or mucho gusto.

Me: Don't you remember Sadie telling us a story how she was in a meeting or somewhere and a friend passed a note regarding someone that just said 'm' and when Sadie asked what that meant, her friend said mmmmmmm?

Sadie: That wasn't me, I don't think so anyway.

Jess: Jesus....let's move on already....

Sophie: Yeah, it was Sade

Sadie: Jeez, that's really sad I don't remember it.

Jess: WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Me: But it happened to you!!!! YES

Jess: Srsly...I'm gonna write to someone bout how you lot are still going on about this.

Sadie: I'm a bit behind on opening my emails. Are we not supposed talking about 'm' anymore then? M for mmmmmmmmmm that is I mean.

Sophie: Hahahhahaahhahhahahahaha Jess is going to go mad at this.

Jess: Too late. I'm there.

Sophie: You were at a conference and the lady you work with wrote it on a notepad at the speaker

Jess: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Me: Sadie. This is going back, like, 5 years

Jess: SERIOUSLY DUDES!!

Sadie: I'm just truly amazed at your memories. Don't even remember what my middle name is anymore.

Jess: DUDE. I swear.

gas

Me: People laying gas main outside making a terrible racket. Floor vibrating. Thinking how I can work this into going home early . . . Beautiful day outside. And A is talking to me again and has given me 2 days worth of post. Cretin

Jess: Fd!- ?possible gas leak - you can smell something off? You should evacuate? Cretin such a great emo word! As is git....

Sophie: The tree men are outside!!! LOVE muscly tree men!

Jess: Gulp.

Me: I can confirm that ours are NOT muscly tree men. And, in fact, appear to be maniacs of the first order

Jess: FFD!!! No we NEVER get the muscles, we get the toothless, foreign, sparsely haired(in a pony tail, what's THAT all about), emphysema lunged (or that's what they sound like to me) old gits.

Me: One is wearing a 'novelty' hard hat that has a bobble on top.

Jess: Tosser.

Me: And, either he has florescent red hair, a curly wig.

Jess: FL!!!

Me:
R: *Shaking hands with some dweebish looking man, soaked and dripping with rain. still. after a meeting* see you on Monday then!! Bye!!!

R: SO???!!! Man!!! Starting!!!!
Me: *.......*
R: Ok, I admit he isn't hot . . .
Me: ..........
R: Married anyway.
Me: .........
R: I tried
Me: FAIL

Jess: Oh really FFFFF at last bit! I thought he was given EXPLICIT instructions from you about ONLY hiring a HOTTIE!!!

Me: This guy looked like Martin from that old show which had Samantha Janus in. Remember? Except about 5 times worse.
Also:
R: Could you tell Alan there is a man coming tomorrow called Andy Mountain
Me: Cool name
R: Yes. I hear he is very . . . 'ANDY!!!!!
Me: . . .
R: HAHAHAH
Me: Oh dearrrrrr

Jess: Oh double dear

Sophie: We get loads of good looking guys here for various maintenance. You should have seen the electricians. One of them came and lay under mine and V's desks and we didn't know what to do with ourselves.

Jess: Oh do fuck off. Jelus.

Me: LAUGHING!! I'D KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

Jess: I'd fucking know too!

Sophie: And now some more are here removing packing crates

Jess: Sophie I'm gonna mash you. But first, I'm gonna write and complain.

Me: That sentence just made me choke on my bagel

Jess: She's such a showoff with her hotty mchosters.

Me: Our office smells like poo. Is this because:

A) I am getting old and not 'in control' anymore
B) R has srsly been eating too many vegetables
C) The maniacs hit a sewer line
D) Someone cooked hairy gorilla balls for lunch

Jess: Well obviously the hairy gorillas is completely feasible, but I'd probably blame R. Just cos.

Me Either:

A) I have become desensitised to the smell
B) My nose hairs have all died
C) I have died

Jess: Or.........it's you making the smell and now can't smell it.

Me: I think R just went out and had a word with the gasmain people. It has all gone VERY silent.
Either:
A) He scared the bejesus out of them and they have runned off
B) They hit him on the head with a shovel and chucked him in the hole.

Jess: or
C) He's just pretended to have a talk but in fact they've finished for the day
D) All of them have been abducted by aliens.

Me: Ooo. plot thickens . . . still totally silent though

Jess: FFD!

Me: I bet the real answer is:
E) Owing to total stupidity, they all fell in the huge hole they dug


Jess: I'll go with that...as it's all males.

Me: They shouldn't have been given a mini digger machine in the first place

Jess: Well obviously as they ARE all males.

Sadie: I read that and thought the gasmain people were like some kind of tribe.

Jess: Oh fuck I lost it at that one!!!! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Me: A tribe of idiots.

although marrying a millionaire is much easier

R: *walking past*
Me: *sticks hand in air*
R: You're excused
Me: What? No, I was going to ask . . . wait. Can I? Wicked. See ya!
R: HA
Me: I was going to say, Nina asked how we want them to pay us for using our boardroom. Bacs or cheque?
R: Ummmmm. Bacs is fine. I'll give you our account details.
Me: AWESOME. So. I get to leave AND get the company bank details? Superb
R: Ha. Yes. Would you like mine whilst you're at it?
Me: That would be lovely. Seriously. I really like working here

ain't right

Me: Just looked in the mirror and noticed I am wearing gold earrings, silver eyeshadow and a silver bracelet. The horror!

Sophie: Oh noes to the gold/silver uproar!

Me: I am very embarrassed about the whole gold/silver mix up. I told Corinne. She said: "You are obviously very sick and need to go home. If your work need persuasion as to the truth of this I will testify that this is indeed evidence of your incapacity to work today." Taught well.

black marks

To: Andy

Dude,

I just met the Lady for lunch (me - sandwich, her - the neck of a Texan). She wants to know if there are going to be drinks on Friday as she 'misses the Guns.' I told her to email and/or text you but she gave me a Scary Look and so I am doing it (not many people see the Scary Look and live to tell the tale/do not turn to stone). So. Are there? I am giving you advance notice.

Also. It has taken me 32 minutes to write this as people keep distracting me with work related matters. I don't know why. It is
vair vair irritating.

Rosie

P.s. What is the gossip?


From: Andy

Dude.

We have been working out extra hard at the Gun Squad to try and fill the void of not having Lady M and the gossip queen around these days. We are hoping that "feeling the burrrrnnnn" will make up for our feelings of emptiness.

There may be one or two around Friday, but not everyone will be there, as the Italian stallion has gone back to mama to recuperate for a week, Ben has left and Mark is off sick/holiday at moment (although he normally resurfaces by Friday).

It might be better if we organise something for next Friday if you ladies (using term v. loosely) are free?

Also are you and Lady M going to Ben's drinks on Saturday. I believe he said you were coming. If so, Essex's answer to Morecambe and Wise can meet you somewhere?

Andy

P.s. I don't know if there is any gossip at Monkey LTD because I don't actually bother to talk to anyone here anymore as that would require some kind of effort on my part.


To: Andy

OOOOOOOH!!! She is just a LADY and I am a Queen????? Oh BLEARRRRRSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

I am also 'feeling the burn' although it is the burn of work. It is tres sad. Also. I had a fight with the doorman/receptionist whatever his title is here and now he is withholding our post. I said, er, don't you even KNOW I am friends with a Gun Squad? He laughed. I said, I am also friends with a Slovakian. And I got my post back. But APPARENTLY I have 2 black marks against my name in the system now!!!! You are probably sitting there, scratching your little head and saying, what system? And why 2 black marks? Firstly, I do not know what system. I assume the system of a madman. Secondly, the first mark was because he didn't understand something I told him 4 times. The second mark is because I said: I do not give a shit you silly cockmonkey. As you can see, I borrowed Mark's 'How to make friends and influence people' book. I think it is going well.

Bummer to no drinks this Friday. No to drinks the following Friday because that Friday is HALLOWEEN and I shouldn't have to say anymore. Other than, bat wings, bat ears, Bat out of Hell t-shirt.

I am not sure about Ben's leaving drinks. M is definitely not coming as she is in Canterbury or somesuch. I am not sure because . . . eh. It's you lot.

Rosie
Worthless Monkey
Can do work of up to and including 5 year old children

P.S. Very rude to use the term 'ladies' loosely what with me being a God fearing Christian and all over good citizen


From: Andy

Thank you. I have now added the term cockmonkey to my extensive vocabulary.

I forgot it was Halloween. I don't think I want to imagine trick or treating "M styley" as it probably involves thumb screws.

If you get suicidal/deranged Saturday don't forget you can turn up for an audience with "ghosts of WM LTD" (Ben-past) (Mark-present) (myself-(oh christ I'm depressed) future).

Failing that we can sort out another Friday soon for a "friends of WM LTD" reunion

Andy

P.s WHATEVER

back in the daaaaay

In our house, we reuse our bags. Clyde says that they make vair good cat toys:
And a comfy bed:
(this is only dangerous for babies)

If you do not have a plastic bag to play with then Clyde suggests you go into the garden/street and find some worms to play with. Inside. It will seriously make you happy:

If you do not have a Matt on hand to pick these up off the floor, where they will promptly fall apart into a million pieces, I feel very very sorry for you.

Jess: Oh that is theee cutest!!!! They like being smothered...sort of....not from an arse or anything......so Ro, downloaded The
Pretender. Yup...excellent...

Me: I showed R. He says: Did you get him out?
Me: No. I kicked it round the floor a bit
R: !!!!
Me: Needed a good photo angle
R: !
Me: Whatever dude. He loved it. When I took him out the bag he got all pissed and tried to get back in.

Jess: Oh FFFFFFFFD! Really FL!

Me. HAHA! That's true as well. I would have moved it with my hands but that would have resulted in an amputation carried out by a maniac (Clyde). Similar to what happened to the worms he bought in and played with that Matt had to pick up. Which fell apart in his hands. Which resulted in Clyde's catflap being locked WAY before curfew. Which made him poo all over his catbox which has been unsullied for about a week. Frankly, though, I would rather clean out a catbox than pick up massive huge worms that are wriggling all over the lounge floor that, praise be, have only been brought into the lounge when we have been around to notice and are not, eg, ON MY PILLOW (please please Jesus).
And if he didn't sit in my seat as soon as I get up he wouldn't get smothered by my butt on his head. Yay to you liking The Pretender. I had it on really really loud to drown out the ramblings of A and I think it blew out one headphone. Or my right eardrum.

Jess: Oh God really larfing! And I do like the shouty loud ones.......... I got the new AC/DC album...shouty loud and so sexist.. Grrrrreeeaaaaaatttttttttt!

Sadie: Clyde is so sweeeeeeet!

Me: He was being most decidedly UNsweet last night actually. First there was the worm incident, then there was vicious bag attack and then he kept jumping onto the couch where I was sitting like a flying marmoset with its claws out. Which, fyi, are RAZOR sharp and able to penetrate through a thick red blanket and pajama bottoms.When he bought the worms in, me and Sophie were shrieking like wimmins. I had to hold a wormy wet Clyde who looked mighty pissed at Matt for taking his friends away. The second time Matt shut the lounge door because Clyde had bought one into the hallway and Matt couldn't get it off him. All I could think was, worm juice. On our freshly cleaned floor.

Sophie: I think Clyde was feeling deprived as over a week ago we took all his toys away when we cleaned and we didn't bother putting them back until he started making his own games with worms and plastic bags.

Sadie: Spoke to Mum today, she says she was given GBH - the date rape drug - when she had her throatoscopy thingy. Who'd have thought she'd be the female in the family to be given it......
I'm having to work hard again, my forehead looks like it has been ploughed by a 50 stone ox its that furrowed. And I need breakfast.

Sophie: I'm drinking tea and bopping but my bopping stops because they keep playing such ghastly nonsense on this radio station. There is a song called bongos and it just goes "I like to play my bongos in the morning" urghhhhhhhhhfffff. Anyway, I am working really hard too, but you know me, I like to play that aspect down. Wink wink. Is Grandma Joon feeling any better?

Me: Just like Lassie, Clyde is. Using the interpretive worm dance to convey his meaning. Also, Sade, poor you with the hard work and the furrowed brow!!! And the needing of breakfast is most tragic of all! If you were here, I would totally make you a coffee or tea. OR get S to make you a latte. He is really good at making those and can spend up to and including at least half hour on it
Ps. Sophie. I bet Lulu just text you. I just got her standard weekly message (I bet she has saved this into her phones template message folder) - "What are you doing?"

Sophie: Yes. Every week I reply the same "drinking tea and emailing." I'm at work - what does she think I'm doing?! "Well, I am doing interpretations on the bongo song - I LIKE TO DRINK MY TEA IN THE MORNING, I LIKE TO TORTURE KITTENS IN THE EVENING, I LIKE TO PLAY MY BONGOS IN THE KITCHEN."

Nigella, Delia and Gordon

Me: A tried talking to me again this morning at 8.40 about the thing that I told him that he didn't understand that is apparently MY fault. I turned up Foo Fighters 'The Pretender.' Nearly blew my eardrums off but I think that it was worth it.
P.s. This is a very good song. Perhaps my favourite FF one. I don't know. It is far too early to make such big decisions.

Jess: Will check it out. See if I concur with your normal babbling nonsense.

Me: It is pretty fantastic. And I do not talk nonsense. That is Rude. Although I did say to Sophie on Sunday that squashes have seeds in! Just like pumpkins! And they smell like pumpkins!!!

Jess: Oh FFD! Dude- nonsense is good. Non-nonsense is net curtains.

Me: I cooked squash the other night. It was pretty delicious. The recipe was like, toast your (23,000) spices under the grill to release the aromas. Then mix in a bowl with some nut oil and carefully coat your cubed squash. Sophie came into the kitchen and was like, veering from the recipe a little then? As I was gaily throwing around paprika and cumin and whatnot straight into the roasting tin with cooking oil. And they weren't grilled to release no aromas neither.

Sophie: I wondered why you were asking Matt where the grill was

Jess:Fd!
Sounds blooming gorgeous!!!!
Srsly...gorgeous....
And 2300 spices eh.

Me: I asked him and then I was like, dude, when have we ever grilled paprika to release aromas? Surely that is a v pointless thing to do as the whole point of spices and herbs is that they just ARE. And I SWEAR there was a total LIST of spices to use. I mean, as it was I used salt, pepper, paprika, cumin and tumeric!

Jess: So not ac-tually 23,000 then. In fact about 8. Mmmm yum though, will try and cook it!

Me: Coolio. If you need instructions, let me know. I.e, do I add the 1/2 teaspoon of paprika before or after the salt? Answer: chuck it all in a pan, gaily, and do not bother using a teaspoon.

Jess: Fd! Sounds like the sort of cooky shit I like to do...... I made another interminable fucking casserole on Thursday, I'm afraid it went down the crapper yesterday... So borrrrrrrring.

Sophie: I make a nice rice one. Mum used to make it -

Cook some rice
Chop and fry some chicken
Chop and fry whatever veg you like in another pan (I make mine really tiny as don't like big bits)
Add curry paste to veg

Put cooked chicken in casserole dish
Put cooked veg in caserole dish
Add 1 can chopped toms to casserole dish
Add 1 can curry milk (or however much)

Add egg to pan and fry in the rice
Put in casserole dish

Mix everything in casserole dish and heat in oven

Written down it looks quite long but its really just chopping anything you want to eat, frying it and adding it to a casserole dish with curry paste.

Another dinner we do often is chop up some (Tesco finest, free range, organic, darlings) beef and mix it with cornflour. Then fry with some stir fry veg and sauce. Yum. But you have to remember to get it out the freezer which is where we go wrong fairly often.

The other one that we have whenever we don't know what to eat (like 3 times a week) is the one I made when you came round.

That's basically :

Fry onion, chilli, garlic, any veg going a bit mank in the fridge on low heat whilst you chop....
Bacon or sausage or if Hawk is super lucky BOTH.
Add to pan

Cook pasta

Add chopped tomatoes and water to the above veg/meat once cooked add any kind of herbification you like or have in cupboards i.e. pepper, mixed herbs, paprika

If Hawk is not looking add a teaspoon of peanut butter

Et voila!!!
This dinner doesn't really take much more time than it takes to cook pasta and we always have all the stuff which is why it gets made so often.

Jess: YUM!!! I do use peanybutt quite a lot as its delish cooked!

Me:
Matt: ROSIE!!! GUESS WHAT!!
Me: WHAT!????????????
Matt: SOPHIE PUT PEANUT BUTTER IN THE PASTA SAUCE!
Me: . . .
Matt: Like, A MASSIVE LOAD OF IT!!!
Me: ......
Matt: Like *thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis* much!!!
Me: *raises eyebrows*
Matt: I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!
Me: . . .
Matt: Don't worry though. I made her take it out.

Sophie: He said he hadn't been so outraged since he found out the cost of dishwasher tablets

Jess: Oh FFD! I like Matt- he's a nonsense person!!!! Even though.... The Hinder Extreme Behaviour album is one of my fave's and he said Hinder were a glorified boyband!!!

Me: You shouldn't listen to Matt's music opinions as they verge on the extreme. I like listening to his randomness but cor blimey don't give him the remote if you are watching the music channels. You'll never get to watch a song all the way through.

Jess: FD! Pre-ordered the new AC/DC album for Tobs, he just text me to say he's listening to it now!!! Mine should be on my mat when I get home or else!

Me: You'll write a stiff letter(on cardboard) to the fanclub?

Jess: Rude!

Me: HA. Do you have a good soup recipe? Fancy attempting one.

Jess: For a fish one I do - I finely chop, onion, celery and carrot. Sauté it for few minutes. Boil the kettle. Add water and veg stock. Then in that put big dollop of korma paste (really its to your specific taste) a huge dollop of mango chutney, and creamed coconut sachet, I think it needs 2. Cook all that up- then roughly blend it- then back on the stove, add loads of white fish and cook gently til fish is done- Delish! Once. I cooked a whole saucepan of this soup..all went well until I lifted it up off the stove to blend it and the pan handle fell clean off the pan....fish soup from my kitchen to the UCI cinema.

Me: LAUGHING at soup disaster!!!! We did our cleaning. All finished. Matt puts hoover and mop away. I open cat cupboard. Approximately 17 million cat biscuits scatter as far as the eye can see.

Jess: FFD!! Those pesky cat biscuits.............. They go everywhere!!! And the freakin cat hates them anyway!!!! I'll be using them as an alternative topping for my shepherds pie soon!

lost limbs and autumn leaves

Lovely weekend. Very funny.

Most Fridays I go out drinking. Recently I have decided I need to go home and have a hot bath and dinner and red wine with Sophie, Matt and Clyde. Somehow Sophie managed to cut her finger open cooking dinner. I am still unsure whether we had pasta and meatballs in a red sauce or pasta and her blood and stump. She showed me the tea towel she had wrapped her finger in. It wasn't white anymore that is for sure.

On Saturday Matt disappeared very very early to see if he could get a hair appointment and to see his dad. Me and Sophie stayed in bed until at least midday when we decided we needed to get up and have a cup of tea and something to eat. Had a lovely wander down our high street and sat in a cafe called Cookie for a rather tasty tuna baguette.

We take our tea very seriously:
Me: Can we have 2 strong teas too please
Sophie: *whispering* Did you say strong??
Me: 2 strong teas
Man: Yep
Me: Just a tiny bit of milk . . .
Sophie: *whispering to me* ask him to put a milk in a separate container
Me: . . can you actually put our milk in a separate container
Man: How about I just put your teabags in cups with boiling water and you can sort the rest?
Me: PERFECT

After that we raided the chemist for steristrips and plasters for Sophie and said hello to an old friend who works in our local library. Then we picked up some potatoes for dinner and wandered home. I wanted to buy some ice cream but Sophie would not let me.

Matt arrived home shortly after us and we decided to go to our local park and take some photos. Actually, Sophie decided this, me and Matt just tagged along. On the way to the park, Matt bought himself some chips and Sophie bought us an apple pie. It says a lot that SHE is allowed to choose the apple pie and yet I was not allowed to buy ice cream.

It was an absolutely beautiful Autumn day for taking photos. We wandered through the fields to the animal farm. Sophie stopped every 2 seconds to photograph a leaf or a bramble. Or me and Matt. And my God is she a harsh photographer. Screaming at Matt not to move even though he had something in his eye. Which started a conversation on how whipped Matt is. How 'under the thumb' he is. I think it was news to him.

The animal farm bit is really sweet. All the animals are rescued in some way and many have one eye or look a bit odd. Sophie and Matt fitted in pretty well.

Then we walked down a lovely leafy part home. Sophie got all David Bailey on us and was throwing leaves up in the air. Matt got all . . . Matt on us and climbed a tree (and got covered in bird poo) and kept jumping in front of the camera. It was vair vair amusing. Then we walked home. Matt bought a drink. I was again not allowed to buy ice cream. Sophie saw a jewellers. She pretended it was called Valeries so that I would sing the Valerie song as she knew it would wind Matt up. I felt dirty and used.

Here are some photos STOLEN from Sophie.

The walk took 2 hours and we all decided a nap was much in order once we got home. Napping is possibly the best thing ever. Matt woke up a bit grumpy because he hadn't meant to have napped and was instead supposed to do his homework as he has recently started an open university course in creative writing.

Dinner was delicious. Jacket potatoes and chicken. Yum. Had some red wine and watch Flight of the Conchords and then Sophie made me go to the shop and buy ice cream.

On Sunday I stayed at home with the cat whilst Sophie and Matt went shopping for coathangers and a computer mouse. When they came back we did a big clean of the house. Sophie calls this a 'deep clean' because things like the bin get hosed out and the walls wiped down and Matt cleans mould from the ceiling. Looks flipping fantastic when it's all done though. Until you open the cat cupboard, seconds after Matt has finished vacuuming and mopping, and tip approximately 17 billion cat biscuits over the floor.

Dinner was pizza, garlic bread, crisps and squash. It was pretty delicious and the first time that I have cooked a squash. Sophie came in the kitchen at one point whilst I was preparing my squash. She said: 'veering from the recipe a little then?' and she was right. This is because the recipe we had for squash called for about 29 different spices AND for them to be toasted under the grill first to 'release the aromas.' I deemed this Unnecessary. If you would like to know how to cook a squash, all you do is:

Turn the oven on to 180 degrees
Peel and cube your squash. (I found out squashes have seeds in. Just like pumpkins. As soon as I thought that and said it to Sophie, I kinda wished I hadn't.) (Also. It is nigh verily impossible to cube something that is not square.)
Chuck your squash cubes in an oiled roasting tray
Sprinkle over whatever spices are in your cupboard. I used paprika, cumin, tumeric, pepper and salt.
Mix your squash around in it all
Put in the oven for 20/30 minutes, mixing every ten

When they are done they are kinda crispy on the outside and soft in the inside. Sophie and Matt said they tasted good. When you cook squash, it is a lot easier to do if you do not also have to coordinate the differing times of pizza and garlic bread.

After dinner Matt went off to do his homework and me and Soph watched Son of Rambow. It was pretty fantastic. I loved it. I also loved when, halfway through, Matt bought in hot chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream.

It is now Monday morning and to avoid a 'discussion' with someone in the building about something he is trying to blame on me because he 'didn't understand' I turned up Foo Fighters 'The Pretender.' It nearly blew out my eardrums but was most definitely worth it.

Also, I have a cold. It started on Friday ready for my weekend with a sore throat (which I remedied with alcohol). I came in today and people (men) are off work because of it. I am obviously too slow. Or too womanly because I'm all, but . . . it's just a cold. I just need a cup of tea. Strong. Cheers.

for the record

Blearsssssssssss is a real and true word. Meaning, shaaaaaaaaaaame or in yourrrr faaaaaaaace. Fact.

dudes

A regular morning conversation with Clyde:

Bedroom. 6.25
Fuck off. FUCK OFF. Fuck off. fuck OFF. GO AWAY.

Bedroom. 6.45
FUCK OFF. No, SERIOULSY, FUCK OFF. Fuck offfffff

Bedroom. 7.05
Fuck off. FUCK OFF. Fuck . . OH FINE

Kitchen. 7.06
Fuck off. FUCK OFF. GOD I HAVE FUCKING FED YOU ALREADY FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFF

Kitchen. 7.15
FUCKKKKKK OFFFFF. Fuck OFFF. OMG CLYDE!!!! Blimey . . I've said fuck a lot this mor . . . FUCK CLYDE! I wouldn't trip over you if you didn't do that!


Me: Are you all round there playing golf?
S: Define 'golf'
Me: Er. Needs a stick and some balls.
S: !!!!!!!!!!!!! Young LADYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Me: HA. Never thought that sentence through


Alan: Do you ever watch tv on your massive boardroom screens?
Me: Can't say I have Alan
Alan: I used to come in 'ere, back in the day . . . sit here and watch Match of the Day. When was it . . .
Me: 1912?
Alan: No it was . . wait. What?!
Me: Nothing Alan. You were saying.
Alan: I'd come in 'ere and watch football at 7 in the mornin . . .remember when it was played in China and broadcast here really early?
Me: No, Alan, for I was not born in the 18th Century
Alan: Well you missed out because . . wait... what did you say?
Me: Nothing Alan. Carry on.
Alan: Footballs great.
Me: Eh
Alan: What? Don't you watch it then?
Me: Er. NO
Alan: That is very very sad.
Me: Not really. Although my housemate supports Man U so I do watch a bit.
Alan: Eurgh! I spit in his eye!
Me: What?
Alan: I support Liverpool. We spit in Mancs eyes!
Me: Eurgh. He isn't from Manchester though
Alan: Doesn't matter. If he worked here I would spit in his eye. And he would probably spit in mine. And we wouldn't talk.
Me: How very very sad
Alan: No it isn't. It's life
Me: Whatever dude.


After hiring a woman:

R: Ok! We'll see you on Monday then! Bye!
Me: R. Seriously. What did I say? FIT MEN. Not women. Jeez.
R: HAHAHAH. Well. WHAT a sexist remark.
Me: ... point?


Sophie: Rosie, you know that guy with mental problems that looks like a fat G? This morning on the bus he called someone and said: "I'm still alive.... just.... the doctor told me if I continue I'll have another heart attack but yesterday I ate 8 slices of bread with butter and parmesan cheese." PARMESAN CHEESE ON BREAD?! He really is mental!

Me: 'another??!!' Also. What is wrong with cheddar? He MUST have problems if Parmasan is his cheese of choice

Sadie: My cheese of choice is chocolate


Sophie: I want to go to a farm. Has to be one in London we can get to without a car though
Me: I guess there are farms in London . . like Botany Bay . . .
Sophie: Matt is looking for some. He says he has found a special needs one: "a bit of acting from me, you be yourself."

the whole wide world

Lulu stayed over last night. We ate a delicious rice and chicken curry and watched Stardust. Lulu came out with a few gems:

Lol: Ro, remember when you said you were sad because your friend moved to New Zealand?
Me: Ye . . .
Lol: Well. At the time I was wondering why you was sad because I was thinking you could go visit them
Me: Bit far Lol
Lol: YES!!! That is what I realised! I was looking at a map and I thought NZ was a train ride away but IT'S NOT!!!
Me: . . .
Lol: It's like, the OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD
Me: . . .
Sophie: She was totally thinking New Quay wasn't she

And -
Lol: *whatever hand flick* Eh. I don't really know the world

And:
Lol: AND! The UK is, like, REALLY TINY
Me: ...
Lol: Like, in comparison to Russia which is HUGE!!!!
Me: ...

And:
Lol: Does the Queen go on holiday?
Me: What? Er, yes.
Lol: And, like, what do people think of her though?
Me: What?
Lol: Well, I remember Jamie telling me she wasn't Queen of the whole world. Which I was a bit upset about.
Me: ....
Lol: So, like, what do people think of her?
Me: Well. Like a celebrity kinda. I mean, if they know who she is.
Lol: But could they, like, just kill her? Because she ain't their Queen?
Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Matt: Lol, just because she doesn't rule them, doesn't mean killing her isn't illegal. And. Like. MURDER

But she bought us a mixer and thus balancing out the crazytalk

Beef Stirfry and Noodles

Last night I cooked a beef stirfry and noodles. This dinner is very quick and simple and so delicious I burnt my lip trying to eat it whilst it was still hot.

Makes enough for 3 plus a cheeky bowl refill

You need:

Readymade stirfry. I bought the 'family' (families can also be, like, 3 people, right?) size pack from Tesco. It cost £1.50 and is a lot cheaper and easier than cutting up a load of vegetables.

Some steak. We used about 4 good sized steaks.

Noodles. I used those packets of dry ones.

Sauce. This can be any stirfry sauce you like. I think we had a Kung Po garlic and chilli one.

Cooking oil

Preparation

Sometimes you can be lucky enough to have a sister who gets vair vair hungry around 6.30 and who will prepare your meat for you before you get in for work so she doesn't have to wait an extra 5 minutes for dinner. This is handy. To prepare the meat you cut it into bite sized pieces. If you are Sophie and like to be all fancy, you can mix it up in a bowl with some flour. It made the meat taste really good and is something I would not have thought about doing.

If you bought a load of vegetables instead of taking the sensible option of a readymade stirfry box, you'll need to cut them all up, ready for stir frying. If you are normal, you bought the box/bag and just have to open it.

Open the jar of sauce


To cook:

1. Heat up some oil in a frying pan. Add your meat. You do not need to try and fit it all in the pan at the same time. You can cook two batches. It only takes about 5 minutes to cook anyway. I like it nice and brown and a bit crispy. When cooked, tip on a plate. I like to have a layer of grease proof paper on the plate as I think it absorbs the oil. If you prefer, you can cook your steaks whole under the grill and cut them up afterwards.

2. Find a glass bowl. Put in your noodles. I used 2 sheets of the dried stuff. Boil the kettle and tip the boiling water over the noodles. Cover in clingfilm and leave for about 5 minutes until your noodles are done. When they are, drain and run under the cold tap so they don't stick together. You could do this at the beginning in the preparation stage but I cook them and throw them straight in the mix.

3. Now you need a wok. Unless you aren't doing much and then I don't know. A frying pan might work. Heat some oil in the wok and add your stirfry. Cook it for about 2 minutes.

4. Add your noodles, meat and sauce. Stir and cook for a further 2 minutes, or until your sauce is hot.

5. Serve.

Optional

6. Eat whilst watching 'The Restaurant.' The nub and thrust of this programme is that chef Raymond Blanc sets challenges for some couples who have restaurants. The winners get to open a restaurant with him. Personally, all the couples seem a bit useless. They have served 14 hour old sandwiches and the food at one couples Mexican evening was a shop bought bag of tortillas. My noodles were much better.

Non WorkingMonkey

STOLEN from Non WorkingMonkey:

There are polite ways of saying things
For example:

I couldn't agree more, but ...
I do not agree with you at all.

I completely see your point
You are wrong.

I can see your point of view
You are wrong and also stupid.

That's very interesting
That will happen over my dead and twitching body.

There may be another way of looking at this
I am now about to tell you what to do. Pay attention.

That's one way of doing it. Another is to ....
You are wrong. I am right.

What I suggest you think about is ...
Do it. Now.

Just looking at this objectively...
You are a fuckwit but you are also my client, so I cannot show you up.

I think that's a very interesting point of view.
I think you are retarded.

Possibly the best way to go at this is to ...
If we do not do this, everything will go to shit. Believe me.

That's one point of view!
You fucking cretin.

To be frank
I am quite close to hitting you.

To be honest
I am about to be very rude indeed.

May I be blunt?
I am about to tell you that you are a fucking idiot, so you may as well assume the 'brace' position.

With the greatest respect
I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Thanks for telling me. Now, how can I help you solve this problem?
Stop whining and go away.

How nice to hear from you
What do you want?

I've been in meetings all day
I have been avoiding your phone calls because I don't want to talk to you.

How was your weekend?
I am about to ask you to do something for me.

You're a star
Thank you for performing a mundane task, irritating person.

I hear you.
Fuck. Off.

This is so true it is scary. Seriously. People know what I really mean when I say: That's one point of view! ? Oh dear. At my last company I was asked to edit some research we were posting on Reuters. I was asked to do it with another person in the office who basically could not write for shit. Although he was very good at maths.
I am not entirely sure why he was asked to do it actually but it was the worst idea ever. It took about 2 hours to edit something that would have taken me 20 minutes because he kept debating and suggesting changes that were ridiculous.I am not good at much. I cannot look in the fridge at the ingredients already there and make a delicious curry or stew out of them like my sister can. I cannot set up Sky boxes and video players like Matt can. I cannot do anything my dad can. I CAN edit stuff though. My only skill is my English. And, even though SOME people might read this and say, you would say it is your English that is good? Well. You have obviously not heard yourself speak. Or, remember that time you wrote 'your' when you meant 'you're?' Or when you used to pronounce Monopoly Mono-polly? And how you still pronounce raucous rauchus? It is still something I can do. I have a journalism degree. This doesn't make me better at English than the next person but by God was I saying things like, I can see your point of view . . .

I sent this to my aunt because she is in a role where she regularly needs to say these things (I am not anymore, sadly. Everyone here is much smarter than me).

Sadie: Oh DUDE, I say so many of those things, especially:
There may be another way of looking at this
I am now about to tell you what to do. Pay attention.
and,
Possibly the best way to go at this is to ...
If we do not do this, everything will go to shit. Believe me.
Honestly, I really do!!!!!

Me: HAHA! Sophie showed me her blog. When I started reading it, SO MUCH reminded me of you!


Have also stolen this from her:

When in doubt, I use Dog Logic. It is very simple: you look at the evidence before you, and go for the most obvious answer. (He chucked me = he does not want me to be his girlfriend; I am hungry = I will eat; I am not hungry = I will not eat. That sort of thing.)

But Cat Logic is different. When cats get together of an evening, they do not talk about the weather, or what kind of catfood they like best. They plot endlessly and without cease; they exchange nasty little ruses ("If we get the mouse, how can we torture him?"); they offer each other tips on how to say one thing convincingly while they mean another altogether; they practice their "I'm innocent" faces on each other. Whereas dogs admire in other dogs an ability to chase sticks fast and take up the most room in the dogbasket by the fire, cats admire other cats for their inscrutability and ability to utterly confound anyone who comes in their path. They are mean, and they are contrary.

In summary, cat logic will lead you to over-analyse the problem to hand to the point of insanity, make a squeaking fuss, and remain inscrutable so no-one knows what you are really feeling. That way, you will be sure to tie yourself in knots and render yourself miserable. Cats are cats, so they don't care; but humans shouldn't think like cats. It will make them mad.


Here's how it works.


I am hungry

I will whine and whine and whine and whine and wind myself round your legs until you pay me attention, whether I want it or not.


I am comfortable in your lap.

I will dig my claws in hard, knead you in all the places it hurts the most, then leap off you leaving your lap covered in cat hair.


I love you.

I will bite you hard. It's a sign of affection. If I draw blood, it means I love you even more.


You are allergic to me and do not want me anywhere near you.

I will follow you around interminably and without cease, rub myself on you (sending up clouds of cat allergens), and somehow find my way into your bedroom and into your bed until you throw me out of the door with your eyes streaming.


I am ill.

I will go very quiet and sulky until you realise I may possibly be dying, at which point you will spend £500 taking me to a private veterinary hospital in Wimbledon.


I am going out.

If I find someone who gives me nicer food and has a warmer spot by the radiator, I will leave home and forget you ever existed.


You like me.

I will ignore you.


The fish is no longer in the fishbowl, and a fish tail is hanging out of my mouth.

It wasn't me.


I am thirsty.

I want fresh running water. In fact, leave the bath dripping at the pace I like all day, otherwise I will die of dehydration, and it will be your fault, and you will feel guilty.


You have a new sofa.

I will shred it with my claws in the most obvious place, not round the back where no-one will see it.


You have bought me a new cat bed at great expense from the deaf Scottish woman in Streatham.

I will spurn it, even though it is by the radiator and sit, with my black fur, on your white linen chair. Then I will sit in all the places you don't want me to sit, including the leather armchair which cannot be restored once I have scratched it.


You have emptied my cat litter tray, bleached it and re-filled it, as you do every couple of days.

I will get in it, shit on the floor, then kick up piles of cat litter all over the wooden floorboards.


You have done some washing and folded it neatly on the bed.

I will sit on it. And yawn.


You have visitors.

I will be unspeakably sweet and amenable. When the front door closes on the last guest, I will scoot at speed onto the leather chair, and massage it with my claws.


I want your attention.

Now I have it I will wander off, flicking my tail.


This is very much like Clyde. Especially the tipping over of the cat litter. And the fact that Clyde is pretty much only affectionate at 4am. Or when he wants to be fed.

Sophie: I hope that Clyde lives a lovely long life. Like, to about 18
Me: Yeah. Me too. Although you can have him
Sophie: What? Wouldn't you want him?
Me: I do love Clyde but I am also aware that he is a total shit head.

Fish Curry

A good thing about moving out (I would say one of the best but one of the best things would be not having to listen to Phantom of the Opera 3 times in a row) is having our own kitchen. This has meant we have all started cooking more than a bowl of pasta or whatever. Last night I cooked a Nigella Lawson fish curry and, frankly, it was delicious. Matt managed to force some down even after 5 Wispas.

To serve 4 people (or, like, 3 people who refill their bowls) you need:

2 onions
2 chillis
Tumeric
Salt
Oil
Tamarind paste
Ginger
400 ml coconut milk
Cumin
Some fish. I prefer white fish and used 4 big pieces of cod.
Fish stock - smallest amount you can find as you only need a tablespoon

The good thing about this recipe is, once you can cook it, you can mess around with it. This is the second time I have cooked it and so decided to throw in some prawns. These have to be uncooked. The minging looking grey ones.

Preparation:

1. Either buy skinless and boneless fish or prepare to spend WatchDog deboning and deskinning. Chop your fish up into bite sized lumps and put in a large dish. I used the lid of a long casserole dish. I don't really think it matters. It is just where you put your fish whilst you wait to cook it. Rub some salt into your fish and some tumeric. I use about a teaspoon of tumeric or enough so that most of your fish has orangey patches. Whatever fish you are using goes in this bowl and gets rubbed with some salt and tumeric (eg, my prawns were in this bowl too).

2. Cut up your onions. Mine were finely sliced.

3. Slice your chillis. Either deseed them or don't. I prefer to deseed. If you do, too, I recommend NOT scraping them out with a fingernail. This way leads to biting your nail later, rubbing your eye and then madness.

4. You need about 4cms of peeled ginger. Slice it thinly.

5. Tip your coconut milk into a jug. Add a tablespoon of tamarind paste and a tablespoon of fish stock. Boil some water and fill the rest of your jug up with it until you get to the litre mark. The litre mark makes a soupy curry. Less liquid makes it thicker, obviously. I topped my jug up about 20 ml or so under a litre.

Cooking

1. Heat some oil in a shallow pan. I used our largest frying pan. It seemed to work.
2. Add your onions and a little salt to stop them browing.
3. Cook your onions for about 5 minutes and then add the chilli and ginger.
4. Add a pinch of cumin and another of tumeric.
5. Carry on cooking for a couple of minutes.
6. Tip in your jug of coconut milk, tamarind, fish stock and water
7. Let it all simmer for a bit.
8. When you are ready to eat, add the fish and whatnot.
9. The fish doesn't even really take 5 minutes. And neither do the prawns. The fish goes kinda flaky and the prawns turn pink.
10. Serve.

This is a pretty delicious recipe and if I can make it, a monkey could.

9% proof beer? can you even beeelieve?

Goodness. I cannot believe how quickly the weekend goes. Mainly, in a blur of alcohol.

On Friday night I stayed at my friend Sophie's house in Hertford. She has the same name as my sister. Confusing. I used to call her 'other Sophie' but she got a bit offended. Plans were carried out like a military operation:

Me: What is the plan tomorrow then? Did you get my message about only being able to stay over on Friday because I am busy on Saturday night???

S: Yep got it, sorry thought I mailed you back . . . That I HATED YOU!!! And then changed my mind and told you actually . . . I couldn't live without you and your sexatronic curves. What time can you finish work tomorrow? sx

Me: OH marvellous! I am so glad. I was so worried. I can't afford to lose friends. I mean, as it is it is only you and the crazy lady upstairs. And she isn't really a friend. More like someone who keeps locking the bin cupboard so I cannot put my rubbish in there. Hm. What time do you finish tomorrow and can pick me up?

S: She sounds like a better friend than me, dude . . . You ain't using my bin cupboard! (Do we actually mean a bin cupboard or are we being rude???) May be able to get away at 3pm? But then will have to get over to you. x

Me: I'l be home and ready at 6.30. OK? Also. OMG. When did bin cupboard become euphemism?

S: Ok I will drive like a bat out of hell, I'll be there when the morning comes. Or, like, 6.30 like we organised! x

Me: So, like you normally drive then!!!! Looking forward!!!! What alcohol shall I bring? I have eaten SO MANY wotsits

S: I ate a MINGING and Yes I mean bloody Minging Chicken and pasta thing - I feel soooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick!

Me: Gross. Anyway. How about I just text you when I leave work? It takes mean hour to get home so you can leave yours accordingly. What shall I bring? What alcohol do you like drinking? Or are we just going out? Let me know. Love, xxx

S: My head hurts soooo much!!! My brother had his leaving do last night as he is flying to Hong Kong this AM (To live there for the rest of his life!!!) Sounds good to pick you up later. Can you remind me of the location again. The Maze . . . Something . . . Somewhere! Will have to AA routeplan it. OHHHHHHHHHHHHH my head hurts and I've just eaten a chicken burger for breakfast in an attempt to make myself feel better. Hungover people should not be allowed to eat fatty, disgusting food! Wasn't sure what you fancied doing tonight, maybe a couple of drinkies out and about and a takeaway!?

Me: Dude. Animal. Gross to chicken burger for breakfast! Will send you directions to mine. Also. Fact: I have now eaten too much rocky road

S: Next Fact: I have started on the ROAST BEEF Monster Munch. Verdict: Its all going very downhill from here . . . Could poss be starting on the Redbull any, and I mean ANY, minute!

Me: Want pickled onion Monster Munch now.

S: Have you seen the Old - New packs . . . Loving them! And guess what else I just bought?

Me: A Wispa?

S: WHOA! Good guess lady!! Spot on!

Me: HAHA! People at my sisters company are going a bit mad for them apparently. Sophie said Matt bought about 7 yesterday and so did her boss. Funny because I don't remember them being this exciting first time round . . .

S. They are delish. Just eaten a jacket pot, with chilli and cheese. Now trying to sit at my desk and arrange myself so that I look as if I'm working but I'm actually asleep x

Me: Sent you directions. Laughing at you arranging yourself. Best to have head in hands and look like you are reading something on the table. Always good to actually have something on the table as otherwise it gives le game away.

S: Just route planned your ass! Did you realise that we only live 36 mins away from each other. . . Why don't we see each other more???

Me: Because you smell

S: Good point.

There was beer drinking (9% beer!!!!!!!!), Thai food and wine. Sadly we are old ladies these days and couldn't keep our eyes open much later than midnight. On Saturday, Sophie went to work at the butt crack of dawn for an hour. She works in a large plant nursery and had to oversee a delivery. She got dressed in a beautiful nursery branded fleece.
Me: Wow. That's trendy. Can I have one of those?
S: Er. I'll try and get you one. . .
Me: Would you? I'd love that.
S: Oh. Okkk *looks at my face* ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS???
Me: DUH
S: *Talking to her dog, Bo* Aunty Rosie is very mean isn't she? I thought she would like a nice dog walking fleece and instead I find out she is being horrible.
Me: SSSSH I am trying to sleep. Go to work already. Go check for your greenfly and whatnot.

When she got home we went for lunch in Cafe Rouge. We sat outside in the most glorious weather. But it took AGES to be served. No one came to even take our drinks order:
Me: OMG I am 99% parched over here
S: In a minute I am going to go inside, tip the flowers out of their vases and drink the water to make my point
Me: HAH. I am going to go inside and just start drinking from the tap
S: I am going to go inside and make my own. I'll be all, RIGHT, WHERE IS THE MILK?
Me: HAHA Yeah!

But we got served eventually and the waitress was very stressed as machines were breaking and people were shouting at her. Our lunch was delicious. Some kind of prawn in tomato sauce dish with french bread to dip. Also some garlic coated bread stick things and some fries. Atkins took one look at it all and died. Again.

Sophie drove me home around 4. Bo met Clyde. I was very impressed that even though Clyde puffed himself up to the size of a small dog and made growling noises, he didn't run away. He eventually got nose to nose with Bo and gave her a good old sniff. Then carried on growling. Bo is the nicest dog ever, and that is including Boris and Monty who I love but who are complete poo heads. Sophie has just spent about 4 thousand pounds on Bo because she inhaled a grass seed into her lungs. Luckily Sophie had her insured otherwise it would have been another 4.

Sophie: I mean, I wouldn't even consider putting her down when it is something as stupid as a grass seed but . . seriously . . 4 grand!!! Eurgh. It was my house deposit. My rainy day money . . . and this month has been a fucking thunderstorm. (She also had to replace the brakes on her car and pay her housemates rent) (She also had to dislodge her housemates poo from the toilet because it was so big it wouldn't flush and her housemate had walked off without noticing. It was the grossest story ever and she had to tell me over the phone before she drove over because it had affected her so much she couldn't wait half an hour) ("I used oven cleaner and everything!!!!").

On Saturday night I went out for dinner with Ruth. We went to a nice Indian restaurant near my house. Again with the SLOW service although this time had nothing to do with broken machines etc and more to do with lazy staff or something. We were shown to our seats and sat there for 20 minutes at least before Ruth nearly killed someone for a glass of wine. Then it was another half hour before we were asked if we were ready to order. It was nicely busy in there but still each waiter only had 2 tables each. We ordered 2 onion bahjis ( I can't spell that and spell check is asking me if I meant banjos) and instead of 2 bhajis they gave us 2 portions. They must have taken one look at us and thought, fat bitches probably do mean 2 portions. Bastards. Although we did eat them all.

Then she came back to ours for a cuppa and to watch X-Factor which Sophie and Matt had recorded. I don't know when we became such losers but this is not the only lame thing we record but TOTALLY enjoy (Rock of Love, Strictly Come Dancing . . .). We had a good old time dissing everyone. Sophie said we were very very pissed. This is entirely possible. And, in fact, true.

Sunday morning, none of us woke up until 12. I can honestly say I have not done this since I was about 15. Sophie woke me up. Apparently I slept talked to her for a bit about rabbits until I finally came to. She made me a delicious coffee out of some really sweet mugs she basically stole from a charity shop. Stealing from a charity shop. My God. What is next ay? In our house, a delicious bacon sandwich made by Matt and then a nice sunshiney jaunt to Asda to buy a mop since Sophie broke the last one. Don't even ASK what she was doing to it. She's changed man.

Even though we only went to Asda for a mop and some milk, we somehow managed to spend £50. This was partly due to a vair vair delicious dinner Sophie cooked which was about 79% garlic. She was obviously worried about vampires. I would give her dinner 9/10. She is missing a point because she forgot to put lemon on it and that is unforgivable.

Sophie and Matt spent the weekend painting their room white instead of the glowing purple that it was. You didn't even need lights in there it was so florescent. Also, I say Sophie painted it, but she isn't the one with tons of paint still in her hair. I also tidied my room this weekend. It is a very satisfying feeling knowing all your cupboards are junk free and organised and your clothes in colour order isn't it? Yes.

overheard

Martin, will you go and buy me some more rum and deliver it straight to my house please? Thanks


Guy 1: Goldie's older stuff is good, check out Sea of Tears

Guy 2: OK I will. I was listening to Timeless the other night and thought it was really good

Guy 1: I met Goldie in Fabric once and said hello - he's about as big as Hans Moleman. Seriously.

Guy 2: I met some dickhead once who said that he used to really like Goldie but then didn't listen to his music anymore after he went on Eastenders and that Bond film. I mean, that's pretty fucking stupid. The fact that he branched out and tried other things doesn't make his music any less good. What a knob-piece.

Guy 1: I know what he means though - I used to thwack off to pictures of Jade Goody's mum until she went on Celebrity Big Brother

Guy 2 : .....Lordy.

Tin-Tin

Our Facebook wall-to-wall:

Me: Yo wassup dirty

F: Just stressing with revision - there is soooooooooooooooooooo much to learn! Argh!! Hope you are well. Nice to see you in another realm of the internet. xx

Me: Stalking you boy. What with the new hairdresser supply shop, Palmers Green is officially trendy. Bring on the summer switches!

Me: Hey hey you you I don't like your girlfriend

F: That's not very nice

Me: I have been napping and now I am almost ready for bed. This working malarkey really plays havoc with ones social life. But I am being all Mrs Robinson with Toby's mates now. Pretty much entirely accidentally as I didn't really want them all catching me in my pajamas last night. Especially since they are stripy bottoms and an Oxfam t-shirt that says 'will have sex for beer' as opposed to a slinky slip.

F: Sounds like you are playing the game juuuuuuuust right. Esp. with teenage boys!!

Me: I saw Aerosmith at Hyde Park on Sunday. Tin, I had an epiphany that day, standing in the rain. I realised I am not rock n roll. I like to observe dirt from a distance. Like my sofa. Or bed.

F: Why does that not suprise me.
I can't stand the rain... against my window...doo doo doo... Bringing back sweet memories...

Me: That's where me and ol' Tina disagree. I would have 100% preferred it against my window as opposed to on my bonce.

Me: Hey dude. Had a lovely night last night! Good seeing you. x

F: Good seeing you too. It had been tooooo long. Hope work is going well...now get back to it! Kidding! xxxx

Me: Mmmmmmm I'm sure you are meant to be doing something too - how IS the packing going?

F: Chut up! I am currently half naked with a towel loosely draped around my body. Getting into Ozzy mode. xxx

Me: "They call me bitch. At least thats what my clients say"

F: What is that from?

Me: You! It was attached to a picture message of you in a towel

F: I clearly would not be a very good celeb - I blab and blab and blab and I don't remember what I said!!!

Me: Such a Paris Hilton wannabe!!! Happy travels today dude. I hope you have your flight socks, eye mask etc etc and your sunglasses at the airport 'cos the papparazi are gonna be all over you with that new haircut thinking Beckham's in town

F: I am sooooooo not David Beckham!!

Me: How are you online already??? When are you leaving for Oz?? And what's wrong with being David Beckham? I would totally be up in your grill if you were.

F: I am here and it is noice, unusual, and surprisingly European. x

Me: I am glad you made it safe and sound and arrived looking stylishly chic, a la Posh Spice etc. V jealous of you meeting Kath n Kim and Kylie.

F: Yeah... and I'm meeting Ms.MacPherson tomorrow, then talking with Natalie Imbruglia about her forthcoming singles collection.

Me: You star seeker you xx

F: I hope you are working!

Me: Always working. It. When are you free to meet your pal for lunch?

F: Are you around on Saturday brunch/lunch-time? Because I might actually be able to find my way down to Palmers Green!
xxx

Me: I am thinking I am free to meet you on Saturday! I will ask Sophus and the Hawk also! You can text on Saturday if you are around.

F: I shall text early Friday to confirm out soiree... xxxxxx

Me: Hey you always on the run/ gotta slow it down baby/ gotta have some fu-unnnnnnnn. So...when arrrrrrrre you in P Green next?

F: Well I iz going down deeper and down on Monday night for Daddys birthday and then probably come down at the end of this week. How are things with you?! xxx

Me: Good. I bought Footloose and Flashdance for Lulu. Watched Footloose last night. As good as I remembered. I wonder if SJP and Kevin are still pals. If you around for a coffee let us know innit

F: Shall do. Glad you enjoyed Footloose - I am sure SJP and Kevin are still friends. They'll have so much to talk about - fashion, dance, being child stars... ...a bit like us

Me: Tin! I read Rupes diary. I think there are some startling parallels indeed with our lives in P Green and the library. I would go so far as to say he has stolen some moments from our lives. Especially the bit about that time in the library basement with the stripe-ed animals and dancing boys.

F: Glad you enjoyed. I thought that there would be parallels ...anything that is titled 'red carpets and other banana skins' is BOUND to refer to our lives in someway. Hope to see you sooooooooon xxx

Me: It was good. It pretty much summed up the library experience. Y'know, Madonna, sex, arguments.... Sure I'll see you next time you are in the P Green area. I will know when you are in town because they raise a sparkly flag on the triangle.

F: Oh so that is what that is for! I thought it was just to ward off the chavs (suppose it's one and the same). I am currrently alone in Paris just like Carrie in Sex and the City - just waiting for Mr. Big to come.....
.....still waiting.....
Have you started your new job yet - if so I hope it is going well! xx

Me: Well. I do not know much French but! I can teach you a song about a blackbird losing its feather. This is sure to win over le menfolk (it is totally true that if you put 'le' in front of a word it makes it French). I start my new job on Monday. My sequinned hotpants are pressed and ready. I chose those because they always make an impression.

F: I am sure they do! Hope it all goes well! I have found if I just use lyrics that involve French that usually works soooo:
je ne sais pourqai
voulez vous
voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir...
What more could you need!

Me: Oooooooooooo er

F: Hey how is the jobby going? I had a dream the other night that I was meeting you for a natter...must be time for one soooooon! Eurgh trying to do essay but is SOOOOOO sloooooooooooooooow!

Me: It's going really well! I'm happy. Stop dreaming of me. Pervert. But I am totally up for a natter. In P Green or London baby? When are you next in Peagreen? Poor you doing essays. I do not miss that. Though I seem to be writing a few for Lola. It's like a competition in our house who can get her the best grade (me). I always find a glass of red wine helps. And a monocle. xx

F: Glad everything is going good. Sorry to be pervert but it has been long. It'll probably happen in PG Tips, as I should be coming home once the Easter hols begins, which is in about a week! I have almost finished my essay - I was up till 3am, and now just adding the icing - it might make it difficult for the teacher to read but I reckon it will make allllll the difference. I think you will probably get Lulu the best grade this way also... x

Me: You know what I do for Lulus homework? You know that scene in Legally Blonde where she sprays her CV with perfume and the guy goes: "smells good?" Well...kinda like that except I'm just gonna sleep with her teachers. C'mon A*!!! Tell me when you're around and we'll hook up. Maybe go to that place that we went to that one time to have the thing and maybe the other thing. Cool. Ok. Later alligator. x

F: Okey dokey. Can't wait! Would you prefer to Palmers Green it or work it?

Me: I'm thinking Palmers. Mainly because it is bloody trendy and 'the inn place to be'

F: Tell me about it! It is such a nightmare getting into any restaurant around there! Soooo poular! PG Tips is a good idea for me. Will let you know soon! x

Me: I think it is the addition of the hair switch shop y'know. Classy.

F: Do you wanna do dinner this week some time ....? xx

Me: Hey poodle. Yes to dinner!! What night is good for you le gay Paris? I will also check with Shawkie.

F: ER I am sooo annoying - still not sure yet but I might have to be sometime next week. I will probably be at home all that week because my mum is going away to Ireland and my sister will be alone. Sorry to be a pain! Also let me know when is best for you / what days you cannot do. xxx

Me: Jeez and I had totally read Heat magazine so we had stuff to chat about too!!! Ok next week it is! Luckily I am free and easy. xxx

F: Oh no! Well, you should be doing that every week anyway. I will text you late to sort it out! xxxxxx

Me: Your new profile picture really shows off those library developed muscles. Charlies Angels c'mon!

F: Just imagine my arms before I started work in the library!

Me: I am always imagining your arms. When is the next super hot ex casual staff hook up love up then? Should start planning it now really since it is so hard to schedule in what with all the switch appointments and hair dye sessions.

F: When my exams on Madonna, elegant interior design and false nail application are finished. SO that will be in the 3rd week of June or soooo. I see you have had a very flash holiday! How was it? I hope you strutted...

Me: The holiday was a-mayzing. Went up into the Carpathian mountains but couldn't find a hot vampire to bite my neck. See you in the next life (June) then kitty kat.

Me: Looking at your "Which member of Girls Aloud are you?" results. Sarah Harding? FIXXXX. In other news... work has given me one of those pass holders you wear around your neck. It is tres snazzy and I have seriously just spent half an hour posing and taking photos on my phone.

F: It might be a bit of a fix but sometimes you have to help nature along. A bit like the IVF/turkey baster treatment. I wish I was somewhere where I could wear pass holders around my neck. I think I might just go around with my fake Britney backstage pass holder. Glad you are still posing. Work it babyyyy. WORK IT.

Me: Check it out. Working it. Rocking it.

F: That photos is tooooooo much! The weather is getting me hot and sweaty as it is!

Me: ALL OVER IT BABY

F: Hey stranger. How are things? Any gossip? xx

Me: Yo boyfriendddd. No gossip. What is up with you? How's life not as a student? xxx

F: Frightening and liberating. I am distracting myself with a trip to NY to be Sarah Jessica Parker's assistant. Have you got a cat for your flat and welcome mat...?!

Me: Does SJP know?? Also, I hear rumours she couldn't cope with the mole jokes any longer and got hers removed. CONTROVERSIAL. Niiiiiiiiice rhyme dude. Smooth as.

F: SJP will know very very soon. And she will be thankful! I am a poet and she will be impressed. Have you caught any men in your net recently...?

Me: Lucky Sarah (she said I could call her that). Re: my net, Jeremy Clarkson's people asked me to release him as APPARENTLY it is illegal to keep people as sex slaves against their will. Who knew.

F: It is so tough these days. But I am sure ol' Jer loved it! I suppose you will now have to find some kind of willing accomplise... mmm...

Me: The willing ones are never as fun

F: Methinks you are speaking from experience!

Me: HA. So when are you free for a love up catch up sexy pants? And I know they are because I stalkered your photos. xxx Also, I was in Essex on Saturday and I looked at this guy and now I think I might be pregnant. WIll you teach my baby the ways of Madonna? Thanks.

F: I don't know if you can call them sexy ...more rank. As for being pregnant - it seems to be all the rage at the mo so congratulations and yes I suppose I will have to help to educate your child in the Church of Madonna. A love up sounds rather tempting. I am working full time at the mo so maybe the weekend would be best...? When is good for you?

Me: I am thinking, re: names - Tallulah Fallulah Monday Bell. And, y'know, that is suitable for a boy OR a girl so I'm sorted.
Working full time ay? I bet that is a shock to the system. Working really cuts into grooming time I feel. Well, let us know what weekend you are free and I will put the kettle on and/or open the wine.

F: It is a shock! But I am still groomed and g.l.a.m.o.r.o.u.s.! We could meet up for a tea chat this weekend perhaps...although I may have to sort my sister first as she comes back from Holiday on Friday... x

Me: ALWAYS the bridesmaid

F: What does"always the bridesmaid" mean? Is Sophie getting married?!

Me: 'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride' - as in, we are coming second again in your weekend plans. I mean, not that we mind as we have important stuff to do. Napping and the like.

F: It is a rare occassion that you come second - I just have a sister that needs guidance. I am like Oprah...or Trisha... you are timeless to meeee. I shall let you know on Friday what we can get up up and then down down toooo x

F: P'haps Sunday? Tea? Gossip? Cake?

Me: Ok pokey artichokey. Will inform the brethan then get back to you

Me: FIONTANNNNNN! Around on Sunday for a brew? ARE YOU? Let me know AS SOON AS POSSIBLE so I can rearrange my schedule accordingly.

F: No I am not I am afraid as I am in New York! So you can keep your schedule nice and neat

Me: How very glamorous! Hope you are Minelli-ing it up! x

Me: I love Simon Amstell. I wish he was my boyfriend. What are you up to?

F: On the streets looking for Simon

Me: REALLY? You are such a good pal!

Me: Did you find him then? I waited up all night in my negligee. Negligee and fake penis.

F: He was already taken . . .

Me: Bum