Mashed potatoes

I have not updated for agesssss and that is because work are trying to kill me. I have a new job. I'm a medical secretary now and I love it. I love talking to the patients and learning the medical side of it. But by the time I get home I am so ready for bed.

Today I had a nap. It is Sunday and napping and Sundays go hand in hand. When I woke up I went into the kitchen and made me and Sophie a nice gin and tonic. Again. What Sundays are made for. Matt was cooking mash potatoes. Sophie was making crumble.

Me: I had a dream about mash potatoes.
Sophie: *...*
Me: Mash potatoes with sugar on top. Really weird.
Sophie: Do you think this is because I asked you where the sugar was and told you to find a mashed potato recipe for left overs tomorrow?
Me: What?
Sophie: Well.. I guess you were asleep when I asked you. You replied though.
Me: Y'all gotta stop fucking with me when I'm asleep.

Currently I am watching The Wire with Sophie and Matt, full from a lamb and mashed potato. It has been a pretty perfect Sunday really. Lulu came over today and Sophie treated us to lunch. A delicious meze meal. Then we went for a walk. I took Lulu home and mum gave us a beautiful big thyme plant and some tomatoes from her garden. She also gave us some of her scotch bonnet chillies. Which really upsets Matt. The house is sparkling clean. This might not seem perfect to some, but to me this is a good day.

fitties

In a bid to get fitter, Sophie bought us a pedometer each. She is VERY competitive about doing the most steps a day. Apparently the losers have to make the winner a cup of tea each however I fail to see how this is any different from normal.

Me: 2323 steps

Matt: 3398 steps. Now that we are emailing this we are definately losers!

Sophie: 3751, ahead, as per usual.

Me: Matthew that is the quickest you have ever replied to an email. This has obviously GRIPPED you.

Sophie: Matt would reply but he’s currently running laps of the car park

soapier

Sophie: Jess, just thought i’d tell you that now, whenever someone at work makes a bit of a cock up someone else will do a mental comparison and then say ‘it’s not as bad as the phone soap’. I didn’t even start it!! Phone Soap has become the barometer for when we do something stoopid.
So far nothing has actually been deemed worse than Phone Soap.

Sadie: Oh F***CK AM I LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!

Jess: Yeh, of COURSE YOU'D be laughing!!!

Sadie: F*cking priceless that.

soapy still

Sophie: Titch – the soap has gone unmentioned today until now. My fave ever bit was when you said it had no signal.

Me: And mine! Am at Titches now. Dad is fixing her machine. He is filthy. He is telling me about the last time he fixed her machine and how he pulled so much wire out (from her reinforced bra) that he could have build a rabbit hutch.

Me: Just realised this also sending to dad. Sorry for being a snitchnose dad. He is lying in a load of moss and dirt right now for you though. I think i'll have to make him run behind my car as it has been cleaned.

Jess: How's Mark getting on? Is he ok?

Me: There is a lot of grumbling and bad language going on... You should probably brace yourself.. plus my padders is filthy.

Jess: Oh god........your padders is filthy, that has nothing to do with me or my washing machine..........

Me: Har.....
hold the phone.... might be sorted......
... or not... what i just heard "fucking stupid thing"

Jess: Oh laughing........... Poor Mark, he's amusing us all here tho............

Me: ME: Dad, Jess wants an update
Dad: I am keeping my fingers crossed

So there you go. Current action for you there.
Plus he is eating sweets.
It is flippin cold in here as the backdoor is open. My boobs are so cold. For reals. Being a plumbers mate ain't glamorous that is for sure.

Jess: There's a lovely hoodie hanging in the hall dude, keep you warm, he found sweets? oh yeh sucky ones, he is a trooper....
so are you................


Me: Update, live - Dad: We're really getting there now Ro!! . . . I think.

Sadie: Laughing at Mark not allowed in the newly cleaned car. What did you clean it with? A bar of mobile, or the more traditional bar of soa?

Jess: OH HA HA HA HA HA!!! and what pray tell is a SOA? Sadie.on.acid?

Sophie: Yep Jess, try and shift who we are laughing at here…. I would too.

Sadie :F*******king LAUGHED so so much at that!

Me: I tried using my mobile but it really wasn't shifting the dirt

Jess: Oh for the love of god......... m*therf*cker, i'm advising you to shut your c*ckholster before i tie you're whor*ass into a pretzel.

Sadie: Madam!

Me: I think we're pretty safe. I mean, Jessica could threaten to shoot me or whatever but she'd probably be picking up a banana and not a gun

Sadie: FUNNY FUNNY!

Sophie: HA
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

Jess: bollo**s.

soap as phone? fail

Jess: I PICKED UP A BAR OF NOVELTY SOAP OFF MY BED INSTEAD OF MY PHONE!!!! ... got no signal.

Rosie: HAHA

Sophie: Really laughed and read it aloud to people and they laughed too.

Jess: *BLUSH* Jessica the tard!

Sophie: I’m never going to forget this

Jess: Repeat...... Jessica the tard.

Me: I keep laughing everytime I read 'I got no signal' . . . did you get into a right old lather?

Jess: OH hahahahahahahah

Sadie: The question is, was the novelty soap in the shape of a mobile? If so that (still makes you tard) is totally understandable.

Jess: DUDE! It IS the same shape and size of my mobile, BUT, there, the similarity ends...the soap is multicolored greens and blue tropic island colours.....
JESSICA IS SO A TARD!
...and DUDE, rude message.

Sophie: Tropic island colours… hHAHAHAHAHAH ahahahaha AHAH

Jess: *SNRFF*

Dad: Got my hands dirty over the park today. Tried to wash them with mobile phone and water, silly me

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jess: OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!
OH.MY.GODDDDDDDDDD!!!!! SOPHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU TOLD MARRRKKKKKK. LOOK. It could happen to ANYONE!

Sophie: Just off to the park now myself. I’m taking my bar of soap with me. Ohhhh no… I mean phone.

Jess: Look. It could happen to anyone... I'm gonna be hearing about this alot aren't I.

Me: I've never grabbed a novelty soap instead of my phone...

Jess: F**K off the lot of youuuuuuu. (Jessica is too sensitive for this world.) You lot are wan**rs. Big hairy to**ers.

Dad: Just had a shower to cool off, strange my bar of soap started to ring going to use my old brand in future

Jess: This isn't getting old is it.

Me: Have you ever used an iSoap? Really stings.

Jess: Oh Goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Sophie: Good one! I have to snigger quietly because I can’t be bothered to tell people I’m still laughing at the soap.

Jess: I can SEE these emails you know…..The soap looks (exactly) nothing like a phone.

rules are rules

In our house there is a rule. If Sophie and Matt go out for the evening I am allowed either one man OR six midgets.

Sophie: Im going out to tea with twins this eve and matt is going to see his pa.

Me: but id prepared . . . ha ha

Sophie: Prepared an amuse bouche, followed by oysters and champagne, followed by steak and chips followed by a triple chocolate mousse followed by a cheese board served from the naked chests of 7 midgets?

Me: yeah that was what i was going to do. except then i realised it wouldnt work as i am only allowed 6 midgets.

Sophie: Matt, is rosie allowed a 7th midget?

Me: I'd love it as much as the other 6!

Matt: i'm going to have to be a stickler for the rules and say only six midgets are allowed

just say the word

I am not sure if I have mentioned it on here (and I cannot be bothered to go back and check) but there is a crazy house next to ours and a nutter who is forever calling his mate Alan from our driveway. You see, the back garden of the crazy house is down our driveway and so Alan's mate walks down it and leans over their fence and calls for Alan.
Here is an example of what used to wake me up at oh fuck o clock every weekend.

ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNN ALANNNNNNNN....... lend me some money Alannnnnnnnnnn!!! Carollll Carolll where's Alan? He doesn't want to talk to me? Lend me a pound Carol! Carol! Alannnnn I'm down on a tenner Alan!!!

Anyway. Sophie and Matt did not believe me until they witnessed it firsthand. Sophie was all DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? And I was all *blink blink*

Me: Someone might need to provide me with an alibi in a minute.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
Maybe you should go out and tell him you'e Alan. That'll confuse the crazy. Though I suspect most things confuse a crazy.

Me: No, you see. It is a Catch 22 situation (i read the book and from what I can understand, a crazy screaming outside the house definitely counts) as in. If I go give him a pound yelling OMG JESUS CHRIST HERE YOU GO TAKE IT TAKE IT FOR THE LOVE OF GODDD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. But then he would be back and hassling me and the thought of his little bald head peering in my window whilst I am trying to sleep is just too too much
And then I might feel a little bad letting loose on a crazy because.. you know. He's crazy.

Sadie: They deserve it. Just cos they're crazy, doesnt mean they are good peeps.

Me: Yeah but if they are bad peeps it is because there is a duck siting on their shoulder whispering stuff about melon balls and whatnot

Sadie: Laughing!

Sophie: Tell him to k no b off! If I was there I would!
I swear!

Sadie: SOPHIE!

Sophie: Yeah, we had this discussion. If we give him a pound then he’ll move on from Alan to us. I thought we could throw coppers really hard out the window at his big bald head so he doesn’t know where they are coming from. But I think he might just come back praying to the sky.

Sadie: LAUGHING!
So, really what we're all saying is that shooting then burying in cement to cover up the crime is your only option.

Sophie: Honestly, I had to restrain myself (ok, matt had to restrain me) when I was cooking dinner listening to it. I was about to go out with my knife aloft! I wouldn’t have stabbed him, just used it to emphasise a point.

Sadie: I felt like that at 1am when crazy neighbours were bickering.

Sophie: Oh mate, I think I would probably write them a letter saying please argue-whisper between 9pm-7am as it’s very inconsiderate.

Sadie: Or I could just shoot and cement 'em.

Me: yeah. but is it worth the effort? I mean. where are we gonna get cement from?

Sadie: I had not considered that.

Me: we'll do a deal. u scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. and by scratch i mean kill. and by back i mean neighbours

Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
I am more than prepared to scratch your backs. honestly, MORE THAN PREPARED.

british

Sadie: Just working out how to put my auuuto spell check back on

Sophie: Mine won’t switch off yank!!! The setting is English UK but it’s still misspelling English words.
Do they not understand Brittania rules the world?!!!!!

Jess: Oh God, thats appalling. But laughing at BRTW!

Me:dont ask me. i tell you. being out of work, you lose all sense of routine and time and capability. srsly. im like. shall i even bother to brush my teeth?? but i do because. you know. gross. not that far gone.

had a LOVELY day yesterday though. walked down to palmers green as i needed to go to the post office and renew my tax disc. i could have driven as i was only a few hours untaxed and on the way to pick up a new disc but i really really dont need a criminal record at the moment.

anyway. i walked and yea verily was it hot. i had nickleback on the ipod though so happily bopped along. i started on one side of the high street in that little clothes shop by the station. there was a beautiful maxi type hippy dress in there but it was £30. so i wandered to the bank and paid in a cheque and sweated a lot because it was approx 75 thousand degrees in there. then some little kid said something to me and i forgot i had rock music blaring and i thought i said what but in fact i said WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

then i wandered along the charity shops. i bought a couple of books in each one. well done charity shops! then i crossed over and went to the post office where, again, they tried to boil me alive and i queued up and q-ed and q-ed and then i was like, huh, maybe i should have checked that they did tax discs in here before i started q-ing. but i was feeling all zen and all, well, i have nothing better to do. but luckily they did do tax discs in there AND i had all the correct documents. high five me.

then i wandered into the picture shop and bought a little card to send to gma and pa and a union jack pen to write it with. then i carried on in the charity shops and then i needed a sandwich from greggs because i hadnt eaten yet. obviously i got stuck behind a mental who was debating bread with the sullen teenage boy serving who had no idea what bread she brought last time (and he didn't care, either) and i was all I JUST WANT MY PLOUGHMANS SANDWICH OMG (i wanted the tuna actually but i eat a lot of tuna at home and i dont want to give myself mercury poisoning).

Then i went into b wise. but i came straight out again. then i went into ethel austin where i bought a beautiful sundress which was £10 - much better priced for me! PLUS i also purchased 2 of their lavender body scrubs which were meant to be £1.50 but my total was only ten so either i stole the body scrubs or my dress was only 7. either way. bargainous.

then i went to morrisons to buy some eggs for matt. then i came out and by seconds missed my bus. by this point my bad was so freakin heavy and i almost fainted from dehydration but i didnt want to risk leaving the bus stop and another elusive 121.

anyway. then i got home and so did matt and sophie and matt cooked chicken kievs and omg YUMMEY.

Jess: oh dude that was VERY entertaining...

Sadie: Wasn't it! Laughed loud at the PO trying to boil you! Good on the dress for £7!!!!! I am off out now before the highest temps hit to see what the clothes shops in Leadenhall have.

Me:i came home and drank about 2 pints of water and lay very still. my whole outing only cost 15. unless you include a tax disc which was 66. and if that car breaks down before the disc is run out i will shake my fist

Sadie:Shake your fist and say grrrrrr no doubt.

Me: And needless to say i will be writing to complain

Security breach

Dear Spammers and Chancers,

If you are going to send me email alerts about security problems with my bank account and could you have my details please, at least try and send me an email about a bank I actually have an account with.

Who is falling for this shit anymore?

Now, excuse me, I've got to give my friend Mr Okiwana Mombasando my account details so he can transfer 12 million to me as his family (The Royal Family of Nicaragua) are trying to kill him and he wants to start a new life in the U.K.

confirming

Sorry, are we talking about peanuts or penises?

liberated

Sophie: Did anyone other than Ro and I watch 'Crimewatch'?
They caught these old dudes printing almost perfect replica bank notes. They ranged in age from 60 – 80 . I was really gutted that they got caught.
Murder, rape and pillagery doesn’t get 10 months surveillance work. 5 old boys trying to con the government and make a fortune did though.

Sadie: Laughing! I hope I'm that active and inventive when I'm 80!

Sophie: Let’s face it…. You aren’t now. What’s gonna change?

Sadie: Cruel. And untrue. I'm very inventive when it comes to work avoidance, morning avoidance and generally any effort avoidance

Me: We were also watching 'The One Show' last night. It was about what has liberated women. Answer? The washing machine.
"Me: Well. That's pushing it a little. Not equality then?"
Anyways, Apparently in ye olden days, women got up at 4 to do their washing because they had to hang it up by midday otherwise other women on the block thought they were lazy.
Sophie: " WHAT. I'd be all LADIES LADIESSSSSSSSSS"

Sadie: LAUGHING! I'd be hanging mine up at midnight then when the other ladies were all getting up at 4 I'd mention some of us had got up at 2 in the morning to do our washing.

Sophie: I don’t understand why they had no common sense between them. I’d have just been like ‘let’s not be hating on each other. Let’s all have a lie in and sort this out together at a reasonable time’
They were all good mates with the neighbours in thems days.
... I think this has affected me deeply.

Jess: LAUGHING!!!
So! I've discovered I was missing a bra wire...so I've realised it's that wots caught in my machine...so...I've borrowed ally's ratchet spanner set as I don't have any spanners/ratchets and tonight I am going to attempt to take the back off my washer and see if I can find the wire.....this will be monumental proof of how it sucks big time to be fu**ing liberated....

Sadie: Ah! The old bra wire in the machine trick. Happened to me in Swindon, but it didn't break the machine so I just ignored it. Also it wasnt my machine, so I couldnt have given a flying f*ck.
Yup, it sucks to be liberated.

Sophie: At least it will be less hexpensive though. I accidentally put a platinum silver and pink diamond cubic zirconia pendant in ours the other day and it has been irrevocably damaged.

Jess: I haven't done it yet.....dad says I won't be able to get to it from the back.*sigh* I can feel a major FAIL coming on...meanwhile Ally has washed all my tops for me...undies and sock shi* to do by hand tonight... *wow*

Sophie: Well. This absolute nutttttt case just called me.

Me: HAHA! Oh dearrrrrrrrr. God. Me and the crazies here are having a music competition. Who can play theirs loudest. Blatantly I am going to win since they only appear to have elvis in their collection.
Just cleaned the bathroom. Stood in the bath to clean the shower. Somehow turned shower on. Am soaked.

Sophie: Hey dude, I brought you a new mascara as a cleaning present. Good times.

Jess: AW that's nice.

Sophie: She earnt it…
Tee hee
Our house was MINGING
M I N G I N G
Apart from my cleaning lots of mould from bathroom blind, front door and hallway skirting boards. All those areas were sparkling.
And an outside cupboard. Just one mind. Where we store the alcohol. I displaced a good few spiders.
The other one is Matt’s cupboard of Potential Death and Hell. Ro and I keep the hoover and mop there and the rest is matt’s OCD collection of electrical goods boxes. In case some day we may need the cardboard box the cd player came in.

Me: I cleaned the lounge, including skirting boards and picture rails.
Mould : Behind wall hanging and in corner of room.
Spiders : 3

I cleaned the kitchen, including cleaning out all the cupboards, on TOP of the cupboards, and the fridge
Mould : Loads but mainly behind fridge and pulling that out was above and beyond.
Spiders : 2

Hallway : Skirting rail
Mould : None cos SOphie did it.
Spiders : 1

My Bedroom : Including all under the bed and behind cupboards
Mould : Back of cupboard
Spiders :1
Dead Birds : 0
Rat : 0

Bathroom :

.. Im bored of this. But the point is. There are spiders everywhere, which i leave, YOU'RE WELCOME JESUS and mould. And I have finally finished and do not have any more cleaning to do which is a relief because seriously, 4 days worth is a lot.

Also, spookily, I opened Matt's outside cupboard and his Wii box fell on me and the kitty litter and whatnot and I was all.. shall I?? And then 7 spiders fell off the mop and I quickly locked the door and RAN AWAY

Sadie: Laughing LAUGHING!
Dude, thats a lot of hard work, and a lot of spiders. And mould, a lot of mould. But at least you scored nil on the whole dead bird/rat/hedgehog/rattlesnake/chicken/fox area.
Ange keeps her cardboard boxes too - mostly on the lounge floor. I found one in her cupboard for her 8 year old iron. Wjen I asked her why, she wouldnt look me in the eye, just shuffled her feet and mumbled something about if she ever had to move.....something to pack it in...........protect it from things........
Silliness.

Me: OMG. That is pretty bad. I do NOT have the hoarder gene and am capable of chucking things willy nilly. it is something dad frowns on greatly because omg what if you just NEED a cable that was for your 1980s walkman or whatnot.

Sophie: For some peculiar reason my email deletes sadie’s messages. Or they are going in to a black hole. Because I see them , then they go. Velly strange.
That box keeping thing is so crazy. 8 yr old iron box tops the biccie though!

Sadie: Have you 'ruled' mine to spam? Cos, you know man, thats a bit rude.

you can wash the outside...

I came home from a nice evening out to find Matt leaning out my bedroom window. I was all, gosh. What is HE doing. That is nowhere NEAR the underwear drawer. But then I came in the front door and found Sophie hiding in the kitchen because apparently there was a RAT trapped in my bedroom.
David and Matt got to do a bit of manly bonding and worked together to get the rat out. Of COURSE my fluffy dressing gown had to be used.
This was a traumatic experience for mainly the rat and Sophie though as I didn't see the rat once and by the time I'd made a cup of tea, it had gone.

THEN my friend Ruth came over for dinner. Matt went to bed. Me and Ruth and Sophie stayed up drinking and, at 1am, I made my merry way to my room.
Me: Clyde!
Me: Clyde.. You've MALTED everywhere. You've malted black FEATHERS everywhere.... oh noooooes.
Me: MATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Matt removed the dead bird buried in my bed but I did not sleep comfortably that night. The next day started a whole week cleaning of the house including skirting boards, picture rails and cleaning windows.

We fondly remember the days it was just worms he bought in. And I do not even want to HEAR that those animals were gifts.

I'm down on a 20 Alannnnnn

Sadie: They've been filming Spooks outside the office this morning. Only Ros has been seen though. I'm hoping that tomorrow - I'm in the office from 7.30am - Richard Armitage will be popping along. Then quite frankly it will be a case of f*ck the testing, I'm off out to drool!

Jess: Awesome!!!!!

Sadie: And of course if I do get to meet him, lets just say I'm quitely confident of a June wedding.

Sophie: Hello hello, I think that would definitely be the case. Can I attend? Went to BX last night and spent £80 at the Mac make up counter. The woman was really non-invasive and nice. I think that was her secret skill. Ro is in her interview now. I just called Matt up and said I’m nervous. Sadie, 7.30! Work! Saturday! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I would not cope well with that. Would not cope well at all. Lots of keenos here come in at the weekends (through choice) including Matt.

Jess: Ro coming here after interview- quick lunch in the churchyard- will see how she got on-
I'm working tomorrow, been covering allys sickness so been on half 5 wake ups for nearly 2 weeks- so tired- no lie in tomorrow- no lie in Sunday- work absolutely horrendous here- every fu**ing person must be ill in the fu**ing UK.
Tired, pissy, fed-up----------- fu*8ing fax machine/emails are relentless-----non stopping............ JESUS FU**ING CHRIST IF THIS FU**ING GODDAM FU**ING FAX MACHINE DOESN'T STOP FUCKING SHI* FU**ING SPEWING OUT STUFF OUT SOON MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sadie: God, you poor f*ck.
Laughing at the rant though.
I am geting the 6.52 tom from Enfield Taaan by the way.

Jess: Oh dude I get the 7.23 but if i can drag my arse up I'll go for that one too!!! I'm sure I can manage it.

Sadie: No, dont get up half an hour before you have to dude!!!!! I have to be up at 5.50 and thats bad enough.

Jess: Be nice to see you tho, so i'll try.......you know wot i'm like...i'll wake up anyway.......just keep your phone handy........no probs........

I’m sorry. Ro is ok and all but I would not wake up that early to see her.

Sophie: She called me by the way. Said it went well but I’m sure she’ll tell you ALLLLLLLLL about it. Hmm just looked up and seen that she was included in this email.
I called her yesterday and she was asleep. She said “yes, yes that is fine.” Me: are you asleep?

Ro:No

Me: what did you want me to buy you again?

Ro: what?

Me: what did you… are you sure you aren’t sleep talking right now?

Ro: NO I AM AWAKE … tell the lady rufflerufflemoon

Me: ok…

*20 mins later my phone rings*

Ro: Hi, did you call me earlier?

Me: eh…

Ro: what were you saying again?

Jess: Oh dudeeeeeeeeeeeee last bit so funnyyyyyyyyyy

Sophie: For months on end Rosie has said there is someone shouting “ALAN” outside her window. Frankly, I was not a believer. I thought I would be able to hear someone shouting outside the flat. This has gone on for ages. Every few days she gets up and asks if we heard the person calling for Alan.

This being Ro, I just labeled it under ‘crazy sleep’.

Matt has stood outside the house before shouting Alan outside her window.

So, matt and I came home a couple of days ago and there was a bald man dressed all in black loitering around outside.

He was getting agitated and started calling out into the crazy garden. As we get into the house we hear him shouting

“ALAN, ALAN GIVE ME SOME MONEY ALAN”

Ro *in the lounge*: can you hear that man calling for Alan again?

Matt and I: dumdedum Nope.

I think this is how people get committed.

Sadie: Laughing! Thats so MEAN!!!!!!

unbelievable

Me: Guess what happened in Asda last night!!!! The checkout lady thought I was Sophie's MOTHER!!!!! Not happy. At all. And she's now dead. I had to mash her for that one.

Sadie: i'M LAUGHING SO HARD THAT I cant type properly! Seriously dude, the woman must be a bit simple though!

Jess: OH DUDE....that is SO not funny!!!!!!!!! Why then, am I peeing myself?

Sophie: Checkout lady scanning wine: eh, you aren’t paying though? your… mum is? Me: haha, yes, I am paying. That’s my little sister.

Jess: FUNNY!!!!

Me: UN BE LIEV ABLE.
It was.
UNBELIEVABLE

Jess: Laughing!!!! Funny dude!!!

Sadie: Still laughing.

Jess: Me too

Sophie: Then I got out my driving licence which was PINK woo hoo!!! Then I wound Rosie up all evening. I couldn’t possibly put the shopping away, I’ll leave mum and dad to it etc

Me: Luckily I am a firm believer in beating ones kids.

alternatives

Me: My tomatoes are delicious.

Jess: EH? I had sushi for lunch.

Me: I had a chicken bagel and some veges Sophie cut up. I pretended they were cake. Mmm mmm mmm mmm MMM.

Jess: Hmm mmm m mmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm yummy...... Cake is bad. Veggies are good...I feel I should be finishing that sentence off with a gangster rap lyric thingy.... something in da hood!

Me: Cake is bad
Veggies are good
Don't hit the spot like cake could
Tho

Jess: Well up to the 'tho' I was wondering if I was emailing notorius B.I.G.

Me: You are emailing notorious B.I.G... is why I am eating veggies innit.

Jess: Ffddd!

Sophie: That is well gangsta… trippin

Me: I know. Think I have found an alternative career. GANGSTA aiiiiiight

romancinnnnn

Backstory: David is back in the dating game. Him trying out some chat up lines:

Get in the van
Don't scream
Should I bother flirting or shall I just get out the Rohypnol now?

etc. They amused me A LOT but I'm sick.

David: Afternoon Bounciepoo

Me: Keep calling me that and I will mash you

David: I'd just enjoy that..

Me: Pervert

David: Shut up and get in the van

Me: You WISH you had a van

David: I don't NEED a van

Me: I really don't think throwing someone over the back of your bike is going to work....

David: I got a potato sack and a bloody big shopping basket. Shut up and get on the bike

Me: Dude. I really don't want to see you on CrimeWatch tomorrow - man on pushbike tries to kidnap woman...

David: True.. just invite me over then. Less paperwork.

Me: ROMANTIC


Jess: I have so laughed at David!!!! David who IS David, I love him already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I call him Dave. Suits him more. He hates it. He says it makes him sound like an idiot. I'm all *.....*

Jess: So is he Dave? or Roderick? I laughed out loud again and showed Ally your Dave conversation!!!

Me: Was really making me laugh too. Which is unfortunate in a public place... laughing at rape... ho hum.

Jess: Dave's come from Dagenham.........it's a given........me and Ally know this for fact...Dave is Dagenham Dave, a bit like comedy Deeve is from oop north.

Me: "All Daves are from Dagenham. FACT."
HAHA. He is Enfield Tahnnnnnnnn mate.
Also, he is really into Arnold Swartzenegger (whatever spellchecker). Like, really. Amusingly really. We went to Forbidden Planet on Friday (OH DEARSSS) and he casuallyyyyy leant on the counter and was all, er... mate... do you have any... er... TERMINATOR stuff? And the guy was all, dude, no. And Dave was all, lets leave now. But he said it to empty air because I was disassociating.

Jess: SRSLY.... I'm pissing myself!!!

Me: He is also amusingly ... slow? literal? Like, we were in Spitalfields and he picked up Jeff Buckleys album and I said, oh, does it have Alexandra Burke singing Hallelujah on it? And he was all ER NO DUH I DON'T THINK SO. And I'm all, shut up Dave

Jess: How did you meet Dave from Dagenham?

Me: Dave is more Matt's mate I think... well. We used to all work in the library together and his evening was with Matt (mine was with Fiontan) and if you weren't paired with someone on an evening you didn't really see them as most non-casual staff did Saturdays elsewhere.
ANYWAY. I used to chat to him a bit though. He fancied Sophie. He cracked Matt up.
I think he used to text Matt a bit but they never met up. Then I was online one day and David started chatting to me. Then I think he texted Matt and was all, I've broken up with my gf lets all go out drinking. And I chatted to him online more. We went out drinking.. and he's become a mate.
I was like, MATT. DAVE IS REALLY AMUSING. And Matt was all DUH! Don't you remember me telling you he read books on tanks at the counter?? And I was all NOW I UNDERSTAND. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH.

Jess: SRSLY...I LOVE HIM and I don't know him.....

Me: Some people are so amusing. He walks like Terminator too. As in, straight across a road. I'm all *cover eyes.*
And when we got off at my station (he came back to mine for a cuppa) and he marched off. I was all WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO MINE BEFORE. COME BACK. Like, he was HERDING ME the wrong way.
Then, we sat in the lounge drinking tea. And he was all, what a nice view. I'm really digging this room. Loving the pictures, the sofas are cool, all those c.d's are amazing.. BUT. What SKIP did you drag that tv out of??

OH AND. TALKINGGGG OF HERDING:
When me Sophie and Sadie went to Brent Cross, Sophie and Sadie kept wandering in the wrong direction. Sophie had a go at me because she was all GOD IT IS LIKE A ROUTE MARCH just because I was like LEFT. But if I hadn't of said it, those 2 have ended up in Early Learning.
ANYWAY. We were on the A10 shopping thing and whilst Matt was in JJB's we headed to Homebase. A straight line of shops. Homebase big and green at the end.... so why Sophie and Lulu headed into Comet I DON'T KNOW.
And Lulu was all, gosh, we would have worked it out eventually.
And I'm all EVENTUALLY??? Why do you need time to work out that this shop is BLATANTLY not HOMEBASE???

Jess: SNIGGER!!! man I'm srsly loving this dude!!
And, Dude I'm so with you on the wandering malarkey, Sadie does it ALL the time.... but she lives in her own little world, like Sophie, so we're used to it!!! Funny tho...... Sophie, Lulu and Sadie are a disaster waiting to happen......oh no, hang on too fu**ing late!!!
Am still laughing out loud at Dave leaning on the counter and going, mate, have you any terminator stuff.. classic!!!

Me: If Sophie starts driving. And we go somewhere. And she drives. I'm going to be scared to fall asleep incase we end up in Scotland.
How's Ally's driving??!! Booked any road trips???
Him leaning on the counter and trying to be nonchalant about it all .. HAHAHAHAHA.

Jess: She hasn't actually driven yet but that is because her car has been out of action.... hey dude she's drving us to Grandmas on April 26th! But she's gonna have to drink to put up with mad June and ken, and of course you, and mark, and lulu, and Lucy... Also, Ro, I can't get past the counter thing...I'm still enjoying and laughing...just shared with Ally.

Me: HAHA! I hid behind some Twilight merchandise.
She's going to drive down? Ar that's wicked! Good to see her! Why is her car out of action? Did she run someone over? She really shouldn't. That dents up cars more than you'd think.
I'm loving my gma and pa so no rudeness about them! Fingers crossed that I have a job by then.

Jess: FUNNY!!! Her car is just not recognising the key entry code.... what thef**kever! She wants to run someone over badly tho....(secretly, she says, that's why she hasn't got in the car yet).

Me: Key entry code? Goodness. Fancy. When my car won't let me in (e.g. I've locked the keys inside) I just pull down the corner of the door.
Running people over is tempting but damaging to a small vehicle like mine. Also, I don't want to drive around with a gaffer taped up bonnet again.

Jess: Oh man funny!!!

bzzzzzzz

I washed my car on Sunday. I flung a bucket of water over it and a lot went over my head. BUT. That is not the point! Eyes on the story! I said to mum, whilst I was living at home: "Mum. My car smells like an ash tray. What's the dealio with that?"
And SHE said: "Don't be silly"
Anyways. I found 3! 3 - count em - cigarette butts under the seats.
WHAT THE JIGGINS!!!!

ALSO. I believe their are BEES in the fan in my room. BEES!!!!

ALSO. There is a man from the crazeeee house who wakes me up at the weekend yelling for Alan.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNN . . . .
ALANNNN ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Lend us some money ALANNNNNNNNNNNN (no)
Sophie says I am sleepwalking but I'm not. Goddammit Alan answer him.

spring shambles

Friday:

My mate David asked me if I wanted to go to Spitalfields with him. I was all.. yeah. Guess so. Had a lovely day wandering in the sunshine. The only thing I have against David.. actually, against is the wrong word, especially since it is kinda amusing.. is that he takes some things really literally... We were looking at all the CD's available and he picked up a Jeff Buckley one. I was all, do you reckon it'll have Alexandra singing Hallelujah on it? (Blatantly I am aware Jeff died years ago and Alex won X Factor and realised her version about a month ago). And David is all, yeah righttttt I don't thinkkkkkk sooooo. *looks at me like I'm an idiot* As I said: Dave, swear to God, it is lucky you are cute.

Saturday:

Such beautiful weather lately that we went for a walk to soak up as much sun as we could. Went to our local park. Back fields empty of people. Sat in the sun eating our sandwiches. Walk to the main part of the park, near to the carpark. SWARMS of people. Half of London. Bizarre that they choose to be in such close proximity to each other when the majority must spend their days crammed like sardines on buses and trains. Daffodils out in force. Found my camera (YES!). Sophie took some lovely arty shots. Asked Matt to go pose in them. Matt stands in them like a dork. Ask him to hide his coke bottle. FLINGS it. Unexpected.
Came home and had a nap. Reapplied makeup as thought David was coming over. Scarf down some pasta with Sophs. David cancels. Watch shit tv instead. Very enjoyable.

Sunday:

Waiting outside some sports EMPORIUM for Matt to choose a pair of football boots:

Lulu: Can I have a pound please? I want to buy a 99.

Me: Yeah.. are 99's a pound then?

Lulu: Don't be a dickhead *walks off to ice cream van*

Me: *to Sophie* I just didn't think they'd only be 99p is all

Sophie: She'll be back in a minute...

Lulu: *Not at all embarrassed* Can I have another pound please?

Me: HAHA

Ambulance man nearby: Haha!

Sophie: Ro, you should go after him. Fit AND useful

Then we got bored waiting for Matt so we went to Homebase to get some ant killer (I know, all laughs round ours). And I stupidly asked the inbred INBRED INBREDIST person in the whole world to point us in the direction of the poison. He took us to the correct aisle. THEN I stupidly asked if ant killer was harmful to cats. (Although would take a JUGGERNAUT to harm Clyde). And he was all, I'll get on the phone to pest control. AND he asked his colleague to help him. His colleague who was definitely DEFINITELY his inbred brother. ANYWAYS half an hour later... they shambled over and one guy was like, no no no no no it's not harm harm harmful to CATS but don't don't don't put it put it it it
Me: All over the cat?
Him: NO! No no no don't do that...
Sophie and Lulu: *Turning their backs to us*

Then Matt finally picked a pair of trainers...

Me: Oh THANK GOD.... do you want a burger?

Matt: I'd LOVE a BURGER

Sophie: HAHA did you think he'd be all, no..

Me: No. I mean, who WOULDN'T want a dirty burger out of a van in a carpark next to a motorway.

Then Matt was a bit worried the guy wouldn't offer him onions but he did. Which was a relief.

Sophie cooked a deeeee licious beef and ale pie for dinner and we watched ER whilst Matt did his homework. ER is proper depressing man. Killing people off in the first 5 minutes.. jeez. We also watched Come Dine With Me because we are into shit tv. WHERE do they get such mentals from? Amusing.

Peter Pan

Ruth: On way to Slimming World. Feels like I'm off to be hanged as have been so bad over the weekend.

Me: Think happy thoughts then you'll become light enough to fly.

*Later*

Ruth: Happy thoughts didn't work for me... I became heavier!

Me: Well. Shit. It worked for Peter Pan.

Ruth: Peter was drinking Red Bull.

Me: Peter's a dick sometimes man.

Ruth: I know. Goes around feeding kids substances to make them think they can fly out of their window. Who does he think he is?

Me: I'm going to get onto child services.

Steve leaves

Chris is leaving my old place of work. Since he has been known as Steve there for 3 years now, I assume it is to get his identity back.

Steve: Dear all,

Just a quick reminder about this Thursday. For those of you who were away last week, we postponed the dinner to Thursday 19th March, so hopefully everyone can now make it along.

The vague plan is to meet in a pub at 6pm, then I will book a table somewhere for 7pm. Please let me know whether this works with everyone. If so, I will send clearer plans on the day.

I have already got confirmation from Hollie, Martina, Sam, Florian, Charlotte and myself, so am still waiting for a final word from Mike, Shamima and Fanny.

Hopefully see you all on Thursday.
Regards,

CS

Me: RUDE. Don't I count?

Steve: Apologies Rosie! But to quote Jagdish, "you worthless monkey!"
Count yourself officially counted. See you on Thursday.

Sam: I guess we all took it for granted you would be there - like Chris. Else what's the point?

Me: Thanks Sam! I tell you, it is lucky I know such great people otherwise I might have chucked myself under the Piccadilly Line by now... actually, that is a lie. I find it really bugging when people do that.

Sam: Too true, please choose another line when the time comes. Look forward to seeing you. Sam

dreams

Me: Am applying to jobs like, PA to CEO of financial research company. Experience is like, able to write well, talk well, worked 1:1 before, worked in finance before. I'm all, YEP ALL OVER IT. THEN it's like, excellent powerpoint, word and excel skills. And I'm like... er.. go for it? Or forget? Because I can cobble together a powerpoint presentation (last attempted at uni) and can work on excel but am not sure am EXCELLENT at it. Thoughts?

Sadie: Go for it. You can always buy Powerpoint for home and brush up. Excel doesnt have that much in it to be skilled at.

Sophie: Go for it cos it takes about a minute to learn anyway. I lied and got lumbered with the whole excel thing and now sometimes when I have to write in English and I’ve spent the last 56465435465 hours in Excel I forget how to type normal words. I think they just say that b-locks in a app to cover their bases. You could be a parachuting medic and they’d put down ‘IT skills’ as something you should be good at.

Sadie: Laughing! Am going to check the very next parachuting medic cv I spot.

Me: Yeah. I've applied to them because am reasoning that I've got the other experience they are asking for and have the basics of excel and pp so can always get someone to show me if get job. Am trying to apply for nice sounding pa jobs, in media and whatnot. Why have i only got experience and am checking all the boxes for the financial pa roles?? HOW DID THIS ABOMINATION HAPPEN?

Sadie: I know! I wanted to be an archaeologist.

Sophie: I want to be a forensic scientist and I would have loved to be an archaeologist. And now I would quite like to be an ethnobotamist like the Grow Your Own Drugs dude.

Sadie: I spend my day talking in acronyms as in:
Is the feed into CRD direct from CTM? or is it CRD via ITR to CTM, and does CRD have a UAT environment because I have to report to the ITMT before I do a CC re the BONY change.
When my day is over, I often find myself thinking TTFON. Time To F* Off Now.

Sophie: Oh! We have that too. And sometimes I snigger because sometimes they are the same as real life things like BNP, SAS and sometimes they just are a bit wrong like FUC.

Me: I love those ones!! Mainly bcause Im all WHY HAS NOONE REALISED!!! Ironically, I HATE the one for the Harley Street breast clinic which is BAAPS. HATE.

Sadie: BAAPS was a huge mistake by someone.
We had FART (FMC Additional Reporting) and this was replaced by ARSE (Additional Reporting System Enterprise) Both names deliberately made up. Sadly, just before go-live they made us change ARSE to MARS.

Me: Just mean.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOBY

Me: This morning on the way to the station I got a clearer look at the guy who wears a pink cowboy hat and says hello. The hat isn't actually pink but more a reddish snakeskin. I don't think it is especially an improvement.
Also, when I got to work, there was an old man standing outside the station holding a small sign in the air saying: JESUS. I desperately wanted to go: "Where??!!" But I didn't.

Sophie: FYI cowboy hat man was vomming as I went past and searching for something in the vom. The newsagents kicked him out.

Sadie: Oh. My. God. OH MY GOD! What could have POSSIBLY been in there that he might want.

Me: Very glad I didn't snog him then.

Sadie: Snorting!!!!!!

Me: Even though he is polite and yesterday told me he liked my dress, the drunken slurring and rambling put me off.

Sophie: Well, I believe this is what happened:
He walked to the newsagents
Tried to buy alcohol with coppers
Was turned away
Started his very slow walk back (he has a limp leg)
Puked and dropped coppers
Etc
I feel quite sorry for him to be honest. He told Matt is was his birthday the other day and that he should buy him a drink.

Sadie: Lord, life must be hard when coppers are that important to you. So what would I wade through sick for I wonder..............

Sophie: At least a fiver.

Sadie: Funny dude!

Sophie: Hm but true.
Unless it was that dude’s sick.
It depends if it is my own. I may even fish in a family member’s for a fiver but absolutely no way that dude from this morn.

Sadie: I'm so glad you draw the line somewhere.


I hope Toby appreciates this post in honour of his birthday.

drivin

Jess: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! ALLY PASSED HER DRIVING TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sadie: Oh DUDE!!!!!!! WELL DONE ALLY!!!!!!!! That's SUPER!!!!!!

Sophie: OH THANK GAWD!!!! WELL DONE ALLY!

Jess: You and her both!

Sophie: My driving licence arrived today!

Sadie: So, thats everyone but me then!

Me: You should hook up with lulu. She has a vair vair interesting business plan re: hot naked chauffeur drivers.

Sophie: YOUR TURN SADIE!

Sadie: So not.

Jess: Aw, Sade, not important dude.

Sophie: Oh, that’s what I meant too!

Sadie: TOO LATE! I shall just stick to knitting and kittens. And wardrobe removal.

Me: If those 3 categories are your strengths... good luck dude.

Sadie: Mean

Sophie: Tee hee

Me: Congrats to Ally anyways. Did she get her boobs out? ME TOO

Sadie: Dude. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

Me: Give me a break, that sht was HARD man. Also, that just proves I am entrepreneurial and forward thinking and willing to put my best foot forward etc.

Sadie: Proud of you babe. Proud.

Bun Control

Me: Thinking of going to Brent Cross this weekend for interview trousers/skirt. There is a Next, Evans, Dorothy Perkins across the flyover and in Brent is Monsoon and M&S. Do you want to come with? x

Sadie: That'd be cool-as long as we are allowed breakfast/lunch/snack/whatever whilst there. Sat fine with me.

Me: Right, because I was REALLY going to disallow that!! HA! Ok, so will go on Sat then. Sounds good.

Sadie: I know how strict you are with the whole bun control issue.

Me: I like buns in all forms. And I think you know what I mean.

Sadie: Yes, I think I think I know what you mean too.

epic fail

Dad: Shhhhhhhhh. Don't tell anyone.....

Sophie: HAHA

Sadie: Mean. MEAN. But at least we got it half way up the sta..................OK, OK, epic fail.

Me: WHATEVER! We are wimmins not beefcakes. Which is lucky as we had to slide past that gap to get downstairs and to the pub. It was like, worst fears realised going past that - thought I was going to get stuck and be there forever.

Sadie: What Rosie means is we glided past it. Glided and shimmied I tell you.

Me: So, we got the wardrobe stuck up the stairs and Sadie was all, OK! THAT didn't work!! Let's go to the dump instead. So we lug the heaviest tv in the WHOLE WORLD down the street to my car. Manage to wedge it in the boot. Think have locked keys in mote as can't find them, haven't. Get in car. Get ready to go. Realise left something in house. Go back in. Get back in car. Go to dump. Dump closed.
ME: What shall we do now?
Sadie: Red wine.
ME: OK!
Epic fail. Epic. I mean, not to the red wine. We did that REAL well.

Sadie: Rosie said red wine. I said a nice cup of tea, and I only went with the whole red wine idea because the pub didnt serve cups of tea.

Me: Slander

Dad: F the removal

Sophie: Haha!

the lion, the witch and the wedged 'drobe

So. The wardrobe. I get to Sadie's where this big old wardrobe is in the hall. She's taken the bannister off and we are ready to go!!! Managed to get it half way before wedging it. Luckily there was enough room, once it had been pushed to the side, for me to get passed and down the stairs. I had to slowly edge past it and can I just say, WORST NIGHTMARES REALISED as at one point I got stuck and thought I was going to be left in the dark behind a wardrobe until I died. Frickin scary.
So then Sadie was all, ok. Forget the wardrobe. We'll take the t.v to the dump. Load the heaviest tv in the world into my car. Get to the dump. Dump closed. OH OF COURSE IT IS!
Me: Ok. What should we do now?
Sadie: Pub?
Me: Let's go.

Also, she has had to text my father and ask him to help her shift it and not mention to ANYONE that the wimmins got a wardrobe lodged up the stairs. I'd say about 2 minutes later she received numerous texts from relatives asking about whether she needed a quote to remove a wardrobe. Most amusing.

what's occurring?

Again with the not updating. And the being made redundant. Plus I lost my phone. That is because it doesn't rain IT SHITS ON YOUR HEAD.
Here is an update via email:

Me: Came in this morning to my formal redundancy letter :(
Ruth came round last night with pizza and wine so at least had a lovely evening.
...Sophie ruined it a little by coming home and puking like a mule.

Sophie: Hello, I am at home this day. Feeling a tad better now. Just stomach aches and rumbles. Very embarrassing. Think I got food poisoning from a Hoisin Duck Wrap from Tesco cos when I was eating it I thought 'this tastes funny'. I thought I was never going to get home. Was sick along B Ave, inside 51 B Ave a few times(had to keep it quiet from mum and dad because didnt want them worrying before they go on hol), at Southgate station a couple of times, In Southgate Mcdonalds a couple of times. Then I started crying. IN THE STREET. Just so embarrassing. Thought I was never going to get home and be able to puke in my own toilet ALL EVENING.
Would like to say I cleaned and bleached all loos involved but sadly for commuters this morning I did not clean the streets.
I would also like to add the puking was not the worst part there were other worse horrors that I can't face going in to.
Thank God Matt was there because I would probably still be slumped against a wall somewhere around Southgate. I haven't managed to wash yet because I'm thinking that I might be sick in hot steam. URGHHHHHHHH

Jess: Oh poor Sophie!!!!
I hope you are feeling better hon...that's a shi88y thing to happen!!! It certainly sounds like F.P, bless nasty thing to happen..

Me: Just adding to the puke along our road by the pubs innit.
Hope it IS food poisoning as if I am sick on my weekend I'll be kinda upset.

Jess: Rosie that's not being very supportive....if you ARE sick this weekend it will burn off the PIZZA you had.

Sophie: So not worth the day off work!! Does anyone have any good news?!!!! This is where you need Lulu to cheer you up. Apparently her 'of' and 'off' spelling test was real.
Actually, good news is that Ruth is very sweet. I text her yesterday morn to say that Ro had some bad news and might need a hug/drink and I got a reply 2 mins later saying "I'll be round at 7 with the non-healthy options".

Sadie: Bless

Me: HAHA! Mmmmm minstrels.

Jess: Poor Soph! No good news, but good news that I'm not 'puking like a mule' as Ro so delicately put, and not redundant(so far). We need something nice to happen girls. If anyone wants coffee tomorrow let me know.

Me: She was.

Jess: Very good expression!

Sophie: Me: Matt I'm sooooooo embarrassed.
Matt: Don't worry, nobody noticed.
What a lovely liar. I would like a coffee

Jess: Ar he's sweet!! OK. Lovely to coffee

Me: HAHA! Oh well. I always think, eh, I'm NEVER going to be the most disgusting person on public transport puking or not.
Clyde made Ruth laugh A LOT last night. He was sitting staring up at the wall at something (dead people) and then would LEAP up as high as he could (few cm's) and stretch out his paws. For AGES he did that (2 minutes) and then EXHAUSTION made him lie on the sofa with her. Until she petted him and then he jumped down, looked at her with disgust, and went to his basket. Seconded to coffee. Although at some point I've been volunteered to walk the dogs whilst ma and pa are in Bruges.
Can have a look in Next for some interview trousers. Deep joy.

Sadie: Laughing!

Jess: I love that cat!!!!
Oh I'll walk the dogs wiv you!!

Sophie: Me too.

Sadie: Sophs, hope you're feeling better now. I want coffee, and I want to walk the dogs, but I also need some help.
Wardrobe turned up out of the blue last night, man said he took a chance even though he hadnt booked it with me. I hadnt taken the bannister off so couldnt attempt to get it upstairs. So I need someone to help me get it up the stairs.
And also I need Rosie to take me to the dump. Not to dump me you understand, though to be fair I am a bit creaky and some bits dont work so good no more. Its the TV in my front garden, and the bust bread machine that gotta go.
Pretty please.

Sophie: IT HURTS TO LAUGH! Tee hee. I will help. Not that strong though. I think wardrobe pushing is the job for an ox...

Me. If you 2 aren't aware, she is referring to me and the time we were in the kebab shop and the kebab man said I was like an ox. She is very RUDE even though I have been very sympathetic to her malady. FRIED EGGS sophie FRIED EGGS

Jess: Oh funny!!!

Sophie: That is so cruel. Just managed to shower. Feels so good.

Me: HIGH FIVE!!! Try managing a hoover!! Is good for recovery :) Fried eggs are the WORST thing to think of when you feel sick. Yuk. Fried eggs. Who wants to think of fried eggs when they are feeling vomitous? Noone, that's who.

Jess: Heh heh

Sophie: WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THEM??

Sadie: Really REALLY laughing! Poor Sophie, she needs sympathy not cruel (but hilarious) comments.

Jess: FFD!!!!! Really laughed at that!

Sophie: I'm glad you lot can see the funny side. Makes me feel so much better.

Me: Ruth is an occupational therapist. She would probably also suggest some soothing cooking. Perhaps around 7pm.

Jess: Funny!!

Sophie: Think I would die unfortunately. Had to lie down after shower. What a pity.

Jess: Yes im not sure we're up to lifting wardrobes up stairs?

Sadie: Its not really heavy, I lifted it out of the man with a van's van, with the man with the van.

Sophie: Was the man with the van called Stan?

Sadie: I didn't catch his name as we didn't formally introduce ourselves. I shagged him anyway.

Sophie: Shocking. Look at this email:
From: Kendra at Tesco
Dear Miss S,
We've noticed that you haven't placed a grocery shop with us for a while, and we hope that we haven't let you down.
Please don't forget how easy and convenient it is to shop online. All the purchases you've made online and in-store are still kept in 'My Favourites'.
And because we'd really like to welcome you back, we'll give you £7.50 off your next grocery order when you spend £75 or more.
So why not let us do your shopping for you again soon?
Best wishes,
Kendra

From: Sophie

Dear Kendra,

Haven't shopped online for a while, that is correct. The reason for this is because we were at the end of the delivery run and our items usually turned up late and somewhat soggy. I think things melted on other things by the time they got to us. Quite often our groceries were missing or wrong or on the use by date.

I would also like to add that your Hoisin Duck Wrap made me violently ill with food poisoning and its an experience I never wish to repeat.

Kind regards,

Sophie

Me: That made me laugh!!

Sadie: Me too! Classic! Well done you!

Jess: MAN THAT WAS AN AWESOME REPLY!!!!!!! I respect you forever!!! I'm having a shi8e afternoon, people having a go at me for things wot is NOT my fault!!!! I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sophie: Buy them duck wraps!

Jess: Excellent idea!!

Me: JESS YOU JUST 'replied all' ON THAT EMAIL AND SENT IT TO TESCO!!! HA HA

Jess: OH GOD NO NO NO NO! DUDE IM HAVING A REEEELY STRESSED OUT BTCH FROM HELL TIME HERE!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO EXPECT ME TO FOCUS!!!

Sadie: Oh, really laughing now!!!!!!!!!!! Dude! Snorting! Snorting. Big piles of snort on my keyboard!


So- there you go! Next up, the saga of the (non-heavy my butt) wardrobe.

every time I read this I laugh

Dad: Lu Lu say she got 14 out of 14 for spelling today. One of the words was help another was of. She is very please with her result.

Sophie: What?!

Me: "One of the words was help another was of" - Sophie - One of the words was 'help,' another was 'of'

Jess: FD!

Me: Took a while to work out. Am surprised she got of actually and didnt write off or something

Lulu: i only got it right cos i ididnt no that u HAD to put 2 'ff' 's when writing off. i thought it was just 1. didnt no there was any difference :S

Me: You're joking . . . right?

Sophie: Im confused. Why was Lulu in a Primary School having a test and is this her?

Lulu: cos ur mum said u r an idiot thats why

Sophie: YOU ARE

Jess: Wtf?????? is.going.on?

batchap and time man

Hola!
Haven't updated this for a long long while and that is because had some stressful times lately. However, when I learnt of the stressful times, my aunt took me and my sister out for margaritas and wine and the rest of my family did similar and the stress reduced when I realised what a great family I had and that not only do these things happen but that my family will always be there. And that is pretty great.

Things that have happened (I will add pictures when my phone stops being silly and lets me send them to the computer)
Firstly, and most importantly, Sophie passed her driving test. I may be exaggerating a little but after 5 years and a billion lessons and whatnot, it has come as something of a relief. I baked her a banana cake in celebration.

Today I went for a walk with my padders and a small child he looks after in his childminder capacity. He was booted out the house by my mother with Brandon and the 2 dogs and told they could not come back for at least 2 hours. This is because she had a new baby coming to visit her and Brandon causes a touch of mayhem.
Me and B and dad had a really good walk. If you ask B what happened on the walk he will say: MARK FELL IN THE RIVER! And he will keep saying it until my dad starts looking slightly cross and say: I am going to put YOU in the river in a minute.

Even though I haven't written in this for ages, I can't actually think of anything else to say. Except that, until about last year, I never saw the bat in the Batman logo. This seems to be UNBELIEVABLE to the people I told who don't seem to understand that I never really analysed the logo or cared or whatnot. I just used to see the yellow tonsil shapes. I also never realised that the Victorian Era was so called because it covered the reign of Victoria. Same with Edwardian etc. I KNOW that I must have been told this at school or WHATEVER but until I was helping my little sister with her homework it wasn't really something I thought about. Made a lot of sense when I read it though. Same when I saw the Bat logo. Like, ohhhh. Cool. Clever.

ANYWAYZ.

trouserless

Things that you say at 5am:


Woken up by Clyde leaping onto dresser:
Mmmmmmok well, you can play with my makeup but try not to tangle my necklaces

Clyde drinking out your water glass:
Try not to spill that on my phone

Clyde snuggling/sticking his head in your face:
Cute. Lets do this another time though cos this is too early. K?

Clyde biting your hands:
ow. this really hurts. please stop

Clyde scratching the fake wood:
Dude, that's not realllll. Go do it somewhere else.

Things that you say at 7.30am:


Clyde leaping onto the dresser:
OMG GET DOWN YOU IDIOT WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION!!?????

Clyde drinking out your water glass:
DUDE!!! OMG!!!! I DRINK THAT!!! HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING IT TOO???? GROSS!!!

Clyde snuggling/sticking his head in your face:
This doesn't happen when it's a convenient time. E.g. Not fuck o'clock

Clyde biting your hands:
OW THAT HURTS JESUS CHRIST CAT

Clyde scratching the fake wood:
No, srsly, that ain't real wood. Stop it before it looks worse than it does... are you even listening to me?

Jess: Oh god I love this email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keeping it!

Sadie: Laughing big time! I'm beginning to be grateful I dont have a cat!

Sophie: Last night -
*THUMPPPPPPPP CRASH*
Matt: Erm… Clyde?
Matt: Clyde!
Matt: CLYDE!
Clyde: …. *looking*
Matt: Clyde, are Clyde’s allowed up there?
Clyde: *Looking*
Clyde: *Still just generally looking*
Matt: It’s ok buddy I’ll get you down
Matt: (Whispering) It’s ok, I won’t tell Sophie what your arse has just done to her glasses
Me: OH MY GOD YOU FAT EFFING CAT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY YOU AREN’T ALLOWED UP THERE YOU GINORMOUS BL**DY LUMP
Matt: Poor Clyde, I think you have upset him
Clyde *Still just looking*
Me: POOR CLYDE?! RANTRANTRANT

Jess: Srsly fu88ing funnyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! Love it!!!


Me: You know, it's funny when it happens to you. And your stuff.

Jess: Snigger

Me: When I got home last night, Sophie and Matt were lounging on their bed. I went in and had a chat. Went out and bumped into Clyde outside. Picked him up and went back in their room and was all: Look Clyde, all your family together! I put him on the bed. He LEAPED off and shot out the door. Matt: "Well. Huh. That was pretty insulting."

Sophie: Yes, this was 10 mins after the whole sitting on my glasses situation. He had just endured a bit of an earful.
I had a big fat headache last night and came home after an hour and a half driving lesson. Was going to put some washing on and think about dinner but I just took my trousers off and went to bed. Then Clyde came in and sat on me. That Matt came home and was like, what is going on? And then he sat on the bed watching telly. Then Rosie came home and was all, what is going on? And I just wanted to be in bed trouserless and in peace and dark.

Me: *All in bedroom*
Sophie: I would just like you both to know that I'm trouserless.
Me: Eh, you're always naked
Matt: *doesn't even acknowledge*

Jess: Oh laughing still!!

Sadie: FD! All your nightly conversations just excellent!

Matts baby

Comments on my Facebook 'Clyde' albums' newest photo addition:



Lisa: As soon as I saw this album had been updated I got all excited that it'd be Clyde in the snow!!!!! He's giving you the evil eye though... I bet you ran away sharpish when he was let loose after having his picture taken!!!!

Me: HAHA!! Lisa, it was far too blimmin cold for me to go and lark about in the snow taking pictures. I don't think Clyde was even out there for too long, he likes visiting the crazy house next door. He was soaking the whole house though every time he dashed in and out.

Annette: I don't think the weight control biscuits are working.

Lisa: You haven't put poor Clyde on a diet?????

Me: HAHA! Matt bought ONE box of weight control biscuits to 2 normal. PLUS, moments after this photo, Matt fed Clyde an extra meal because he 'felt sorry for him getting wet playing in the snow.' He should be careful, Clyde probably weighs about the same as him. "Poor Clyde." MOST amusing

Sophie: Look how big his foot is. Not to mention his evil eyes.

Annette: Don't say such horrible things about my baby boy!

Matt: Harsh!

Sophie: Just now...
*THUMP CRASH*
Matt: Clyde
Matt: CLYDE!
Clyde: ....
Matt: Clyde, are Clyde's allowed up there? Get Down
Clyde: ....
Matt: It's ok, I'll gently lift you down.
Clyde:...

butts

I went to uni with this guy. He is still at uni now because, for some reason, he decided to do a Masters. At uni I thought he was a bit of a jerk. Like, taking the piss out of people for laughs. It all stopped when I yelled at him. But he started talking to me online, apologised for not realising he was a big jerk and is now... kinda funny. The butt thing is because one of his jokes was to tell everyone I loved butt sex. Just out of the blue. Said that. He is pretty lucky I just yelled at him, come to think of it.

Sonny: What's up bum girl?

Rosie: You are.

Sonny: : )

Rosie: My butt looked great on Tuesday. For reals. OH! Did you get a snow day!!??? ME TOO!!

Sonny: I've been off uni all week. Lectures today though. What did you get up to on Tuesday?

Rosie: Because of the snow? Cool. Tuesday?? Work. Had to trek in. Left early though because am scared of breaking a hip on the black ice

Sonny: Your bum looked good at work?

Rosie: What?? Oh. Are we back to my butt? Gosh. That is all you talk about. It's sad really

Sonny: 2 things on my mind...

Rosie: Left cheek. And right.

Sonny: LOL! Liverpool and sex : )

Rosie: Sad. To the Liverpool part. I had to listen to the live transfer coverage on Monday

Sonny: You don't deny the sex part then!

Rosie: uu - That was supposed to be a butt smiley. I guess I'm not down with the kids enough to know how to do that.

Sonny: Lol

Rosie: EXCEPT I saw some Obama footage and this interviewer was asking him about his fist bumping. Except she called it FISTING. Obama. Fists :O

Sonny: Lol

Rosie: YES WE DID

Sonny: You're nuts

Rosie: What? Why? Because I'm topical?

Sonny: Just how you put things. Neway mate. I gotta get ready to go uni

Rosie: Student bum

Sonny: I'm not a typical student bum

Rosie: Stop talking about bums. Pervert

Sonny: YOU STARTED IT

Rosie: Definitely did not.

Sonny: Okkkkk.

Prehistoric Matt

Friday
Met Sophie and Matt in Asda for a Big Shop. I think it helps living with people and budgeting with people who are Amusing. For e.g. Asda was packed and the aisles were crammed with people and trollies. It was easier to leave your trolly at the end of the aisle and grab what you wanted. Then go hunt down Matt and his bobbly head as he wanders off with the trolly you thought you'd left next to the toilet rolls. We had McDonalds for dinner. Bloody delicious.

Saturday
Went shopping with Sophie for Matts birthday present and other peoples and bla bla. We'd made a list of everything we needed and yet still ended up wandering round and round, going into the same shops numerous times.
That evening, ma and pa and Lol came over for Matt's birthday and give him the Wii Guitar World Band Tour thingy game we'd all chipped in for. Carrying that thing round Enfield was awkward in the extreme.
I think he liked it though. Plus Sophie has got really good at making chicken Korma. It was absolutely delicious. And so were the homemade onion bhajis.
Mum made a birthday cake and bought 24 candles. It took us at LEAST 5 minutes to light them all. Then Matt blew them out and someone made me relight them all so that they could take a photo.

Sunday
Matt and Sophie went to the cinema and out for dinner for Matt's birthday. I was told I was allowed an orgy of up to 6 men OR as many dwarves/midgets as I liked. Instead I was visited by almost the OPPOSITE of a midget orgy as Ruth and her FIANCE came over to show me her engagement ring and her new car. So happy for her/them. Apparently Ruth's dad (my Uncle Buck) told Andy he had had a fight with the ugly stick. Twice. And lost. Welcome to the family.
Later that evening, I heard Sophie and Matt coming down the drive. I went to open the door. And waited with the door open for about 10 minutes. I was like, what is holding them up???!!!! Writing 'boobs' on my car in the snow.

Monday
Woke up to snow. A whole lot of snow. Buses were cancelled. Sophie and Matt rejoiced. No news on my tube line. Put on my wellies, packed my lunch and went out. As I walked along, snow soaking me, no difference between road and pavement, falling into snow drifts... etc etc... I thought, this is RIDICULOUS. When I got to the station, it was closed. YES!!!!!!!!! SNOW! DAY! It was quite eerie actually as there was almost no traffic and it was totally silent. I trudged back home and had a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich with Sophie and Matt. Then we all rocked out on Matt's World Tour drums and guitar. Great fun. Then we had birthday cake. Then we had a nap. Pasta. More birthday cake.... It was a GREAT day.

dads baby

SMASH

Background: Since I watched the Hulk on Sunday night, every conversation I've had with David has included the words: "Hulk SMASH!!!

David: Right, I'm off for a blood test.

Rosie: Are you off to see if you are the Hulk?

David: No. I know I'm the Hulk. What with forever waking up in random locations naked. A trail of destruction behind me and a raging headache.

Rosie: ARE YOU REALLY THE HULK??!! OMG. WAIT RIGHT THERE. I AM COMING TO JUMP YOUR BONES.

David: What?? Do you fancy the Hulk!!????

Rosie: Er... YEAH. Who doesn't??

David: We've talked about this. What about his penis problems?

Rosie: What?! What penis problems??! We just said that no one could fell him by kicking him in the nuts!

David: You're only going out with him because of his big arms. I mean, it certainly ain't the conversation. Especially when all he can say is "Betty."

Rosie: What can I say. I chose big arms over conversation. I am shallow like that. Plus, I don't mind him calling me Betty.
Someone I used to work with used to call me Audrey.

David: "Yes darling, Hulk smash!, now come on lets go to the cinema"

Rosie: Jealous

David: I just cant believe youve found someone better at smashing than me. I'll just have to go find me a radioactive chick

Rosie: Good luck with that

David: Wow. We talk a lot of bollocks.

madness

7:05 - Clyde clambers up on my bed and onto the headrest (preparing to leap into the dresser) Me: *Mumble* nooo Clyde. Drags him down

7:06 - Clyde looks at me. I try and snuggle back down for the last few pre getting up precious minutes

7:07 - Clyde puts his paw on my head in the 2nd attempt to get on the dresser. Me: mmmphhhhffff Clydeee noooo and God your foot is wetttttt blahhhhhhhhhh *pushes him to the floor*

7:07 - Clyde attempts a quick leap up onto dresser from floor position. Clyde and mini jewellery box come tumbling down. Me: *pillow over head* arghhhhhhh

7:08 - Clyde slinks up onto the bed, trying to act unsuspicious and nochalant. He bites my shoulder REALLY HARD. Me: mmmmmmmmpfhhhhhhh *pushes him to floor again*

7:09 - Clyde leaps up onto bed and pretends to snuggle. All the while his body is edging nearer and nearer to the dresser edge. Me: I'm not stupid. *Pushes him to floor*

This went on until 7:21 when Matt got out the shower and went to feed him. It was like Groundhog Day but even more annoying and I hate that film.

sleepin all over the world

Sleepin on mamas old duffle coat. Dats pretty cuwte.

Sleepin on mamas clean washing. That is VERY VERY ANNOYING.

questions mainly based on scary programmes on tv

Me: Would you rather:
Suck a slimy, snotty slug
or
Crunch a cockroach?

Gio: Great, great question….cockroach I think.
A woman here just said she wouldn’t sell her cat for £20 million. I told her to get a grip.

Me: I think cockroach too. The thought of even touching the slug makes me gag.
£20 million!!!!!! Firstly, I would question the sanity of anyone offering £20 million for Clyde. Second, I would question it whilst cashing my £20 million down Barclays.
Would you rather:
Suck a tramps crusty infected toes for up to and including 5 minutes
or
Give him £1000?

Gio: Have to give them a grand of my dosh I suppose.
Looked at my CD collection yesterday and really worried about myself when I saw Kylie, Aqua, Take That and Chapzone staring back at me.

Me: Me too.
Don't worry re: the albums. Matt has some of those too. He just hides them between albums like: omgihateeveryonetheyareallsuchloserswhydoesntanyoneunderstandmegoingtohavetopokemyselfintheeyeargh
Would you rather be:
Half ton son
or
Half man/half tree?
P.s. It is the year of the Ox. Even though I am rattus rattus, I feel this is my year.

Gio: Have to be Half ton son, at least he can do something about it I suppose.
I’m an Ox an’all!!

Me: Good answer. I don't think I could still be your friend if you were the tree man. Freaks me out too much. I could only watch 4 minutes of that programme. Like the Elephant Man. Me and Matt were arguing the other day about what Rolf harris' wobble board was called and he wouldn't change the channel off of the Elephant Man until I said, alright alright it is called something more technical than wobble board.
We have some very sophisticated debates in our house.
ARE YOU ALSO AN OX???!!!! HAHA! Biiiiiig and strongggggg.
Would you rather get off with:
One of those extreme doll things
Or
A bollard?

Gio: Some of those "extreme doll things" are very nice I'll have you known.

Me: ... Lordy

riddles and revelations

Sophie: There's a body lying dead on a bed, and on the floor beside it is a pair of scissors. The scissors were instrumental in his death, yet there's no trace of blood. The body reveals no signs of any cuts or bruises. How could the person have been murdered with the pair of scissors?

Me: Rubber/metal allergy. You hear about people with allergies like that. They can't wear condoms.

Jess: Shouldn't we call the police instead of trying to solve the crime ourselves? I mean...someone's dead!

Sophie: I think they need to call EXTREME FORENSICS!

Me: I reckon
he swallowed the scissors
and then
pooped them out.
No need for extreme forensics. I'm on it.

Jess: FD!! It's rather sad that i immediately think of stupid things to say RATHER than actually be bothered enough to work out the riddle... I spose it's because I just don't really give a f**k... and I'm immature.

Sophie: Or me:
What was he wearing? What time was it? How long had he been dead for? Where was the suspect? Was there any DNA evidence? Fingerprints?
Actually, that line of questioning would serve me well for a career with the fowensics.

Jess: FD!!!

Me: No. You'd be going:
Where did he get his socks from?
What was his paternal grandparents called?

Jess: She SO would!!!

Sophie: Background research!!!

Me: She'd keep on like that until there was a new murder. Hers.

Jess: FD! Fowensics funny! It was probably a perverts death of some sort anyway.

Me: CASE CLOSED

Me: YOU CAN ALL GO HOME. SORTED.

Me: PUT THAT MICROSCOPE AWAY! DIDN'T YOU HEARRR??? PERVERTS DEATH

Jess: Oh reeeely laughing here!!!!

Sophie: I’d LOVEEEEEEEEE that job. Best job ever.

Me: That job is GROSS. You have to deal with dead bodies in refrigerators. That is not my idea of a good time. Unless I put them there.

Jess: FD! I could kill very easily.

Sophie: Me too, especially with a gun where you wouldn’t have to jab flesh or anything squeamish

Me: I've never thought of shooting anyone. If I was going to kill someone I could easily run them over. Or beat them to death. I think once I started battering someone, I wouldn't stop. I'm not like one of those people who get startled by a burglar or attacked and who manage to knock them down but then run off. If I got them down I am going to mash them. Get Clyde to sit on them whilst I call the old bill. Throw bleach and nailvarnish remover at them. ... I've thought it through.

Jess: Srsly you HAVE thought this through!!!

Jess: Oh man I'm still pissing myself here!!!! NAILVARNISH REMOVER???? BLEACH????? What is WRONG with you???

Sophie: Dunno but getting scared. Especially with the sleepwalking tendencies.

Me Srlsy, Sophie threw that shit in my eyes once. Thought I'd been blinded.

Sophie: WHAT! WHEN?

Me: Years ago. You were sitting on the top bunk. I was standing. I remember the burn like it was yesterday.

Jess: Snigger.......elephant memory much!

Me: It is hard to forget these things. Also, if you are ever attacked and you throw nailvarnish remover at them and you survive... YOU'RE WELCOME

.
.
.
.
.

Sadie: Am on a course..
At 4.30 I had had enough.
At 4.45 I had had more than enough.
At 5.15 I had zoned out
At 5.20 I threw a murderous look at Paul when he said 'can I just ask..............'
At 5.21, with the aid of a pair of scissors...............

I like big butts and I can not lie

Jes: Oh man…Monday…and Saturday to look forward to. Not.

Sophie: Nooooooooooooooo(nonononononononononono)

Jess: FD.... though I do feel that pain.

Sophie: Where is Sadie then?

Jess: I dunno!! Any idea?

Sophie: Chillaxing at home?

Me: Funny! That is what I think too. I am eating porridge. Taking it slowly.

Jess: She may be on a course I suppose? Now I want to know.... I'll text her.

Sophie: Company brekkie being delivered in a mo. Good thing about that is the crate of yummy seasonal fruit from I believe the only English greengrocers left in London. I like to make myself a platter to last the week

Me: Wish we had fresh fruit delivered here. Instead we get doughnuts. Loads and loads of doughnuts and custard creams. My butt. Jess - I had a dream last night that you lost so much weight that you butt was like... TINY. But, like, DEFORMED tiny. I don't know why I am dreaming of your butt instead of, for e.g., Jensen Ackles' butt. You need to write and complain for me.

Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!! Laughing big time!!! New series of Supernatural started last night........gosh those two lads are lovely.... bestest tv programme eva! I'd damwell love to see Jensen's butt.

Me: Talking of butts-
Me: Get down. Down. GET DOWN. DOWN. GET... Clyde.. I am NEVER going to feed you again unless you get down
Clyde: SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTT
Me: Graceful.
He is a big butt head. He was sitting in the front of the dresser getting ready to leap up. I was lying in my bed going, sternly, NO CLYDE. NO. NO. He was all WHATEVER *preparing to leap* I rolled up my magazine and was like NO CLYDE. He looked at me and was all, pffft. *Walks round to side of dresser, out of reach of me by the door and leapt up. Me: Ok. That was impressively done. But GET DOWN

Sophie: He did that to me yesterday. When I was going “OI. OIIIIIII, GET. OFF.” He just sat his fat a r s e down and looked me in the eye.

Jess: Oh FFDD!!!! So FD! "Sat his fat a r s e down!"

Sophie: The thing was I was sitting on my bed sorting out my scarves so he was literally looking me in the eye in a blatant display of “Yeah…. And?” It’s just so rhude! He has every ledge and sofa, bed and even the kitchen table to plonk on but I take offence to the one area I have made nice with jewellery, photos, make up etc

Me: I know. The ONE surface. The one with glasses of water, coffee cups, perfume bottles. What a d i c k.
ALSO. He came and snuggled last night. Too late I was all, dude you are WET and pushed him off the white sheets. This morning there is a perfect trail of muddy paw prints. Gross.

Jess: Fd! HE'S A RIGHT BOY THAT CAT!!! Rude and ignorant...actually that is so cat!

Sophie: It’s the only surface that I have covered with trinkets and bits and bobs that I like.
I typed bits and boobs then but that is definitely not right.

Jess: SNIGGER. Funny tho.

not an animal

Sadie: Wanted to read and reply to all emails as I have 5 mins but PC crashing all over the place so can barely type this email. Forgodsakeandallthatsholyalready...........

Sophie: 5 mins til what?

Me: You could do a lot in 5 minutes. Madge and Justin saved the world in only 4

Sadie: I didnt quite save the world, but I have managed to get through the week without performing a face to desk bounce on anyone, and thats quite a remarkable feat.
I am having a nightmare time again, no lunch for days, early mornings, late nights. And I also had a reasonably rubbish time on Saturday. Went for a meal before O2 concert, forty quid for some chicken and chips and a glass of water. Right put me in a bad mood that did. Plus 25 quid taxi cos 02 is in such a shite place you cant get home from it.
Still at least...............no, there's no at least.

Jess: Morning ho's. 'fraid I'm gonna have to get the expression 'face to desk bounce' in SOMEWHERE today!!! Srsly like that!!!!!

Sophie: Who did you see at the O2? £40 for chicken and chips? I go to the Pizza Express if I go to the O2. Just put on contact lenses, face powder, eyeliner, mascara and a coat of nail polish at my desk (over the chipping coat).
Added bonus: someone came to talk to me whilst I was trying to put my lenses in and said “bad time” and walked off.
Went to see The Reader last night.

Jess: CLEVER! What was The Reader like?...................My Bloody Valentine was mega tosh, but Mr Ackles was stunningly gorgeous eye candy homicidal maniac in it so I enjoyed that!!! Can't stand these men falling in love with stupid chicks so sexy murdering slasher quite appeals to me...hmm.... I know what I WROTE is so wrong but I just can't seem to care.......

Me: You are into homicidal maniacs Titch? Because I am sure out of all the crazies I talk to, some must fit that description. Let me know if you wanna be hooked up.
Disclaimer: None look like Jensen Ackles.

Jess: I ONLY WANT CRAZY IF HE LOOKS LIKE JENSEN...............

Sophie: No dude, I hate all that crud as well. Lulu and Rosie LOVE those films though. I find it quite shocking the b*llocks they watch as no one else in the entire family is into that tripe. I quite enjoyed The Reader, although it was a bit odd.

Jess: God I DETEST them........I honestly can't think of anything worse than romcoms or chickflicks! I love films mind!!! Don't mind rooood films tho, s'long as there's not a fu**ing squeak of *sneery face* romance!!!

Me: Me and Lol love us a bit of Charlies Angels COME ON and Miss Congeniality. And Happy Go Lucky is great.

Jess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sophie:Hahahahhahahahahahaa. Do you know what…. I was going to say in my 1st email if it’s got Cameron Diaz (vom) in it they love it.

Jess: Cameron freakin Diaz is a freak.

Me: I wouldn't mind being freaky like her.

Sadie: I agree with Jess and Soph re the Romcoms. Although I do have a sneaky fondness for the Doris Day/Rock Hudson Pillow Talk. Personally I like a jolly good action thriller with plenty of bad language. Angela likes films about paraplegic's who then have something dreadful happen to them.................srysly
I saw Carmina Burana and Verdi at the O2, cos I is posh totty. What is The Reader?
Re face to desk bounce, I do love the idea of doing it silently. I can imagine my arm swiftly lashing out, followed by a loud thwack ringing out in the silence of the office as desk connectivity is made. And I've still got bad sinuses, so they should just leave me the F**K alone today.

Me: I like most films but me and Lol love a good crappy one. Not too crappy though 'PS I LOVE YOU' I AM LOOKING AT YOU.
I HATE the depressing ones like paraplegics and whatnot. Sophie went out last night and Matt was trying to get me to watch Elephant Man with him. I was all NO and he was all *pretending to be elephant man* AIIIIII AMMMMM NOTTTTTT ANNNN ANIMALLLLLLLLLLLL.
I love the thought of someone coming up to you and asking a stupid question whilst you are typing and you just do the head bounce thing. I'm just gonna pretend that is what you are doing.
Cool re: Carmen. Was it good?
Poor you with the sinuses. I just have a headache from dealing with idiots. Oh the FATIGUE of it all!

Sadie: Laughing at Matt impression! Dude, Elephant Man though, what a deeeeeeeeeeepressing film.
Carmen was good, although the performance art during it was a bit strange. At one point Angela turned to me and in a loud whisper said 'Oh what the F*CK are they doing now'
Clearly we just ain't that cultured.

Sophie: Carmina Burana – good one.
I imagine the head, desk interface Wallace and Gromit plasticine style for some reason.
Matt text me last night “let me know when you’re on your way home and I’ll do your hot water bottle” how sweet is that.
Sinuses – mine are HIDEOUS too!!!! It’s back. Waking up feeling like someone smashed my face in again, perpetually tired. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT SO I AM WITH YOU THERE

Sadie: Matt is sooooo sweet!
Poor you, I thought your sinuses were a thing of the past. The first day I got it I woke myself up at three in the morning shouting MY NOSE REALLY HURTS. My shouting really made my heart race, and I spent half an hour trying to calm down. And another half hour searching for nurofen.

Sophie: I feel your pain but that made me larfffff. I a bit behind due to lunch break commitments and typing one handedly

Sadie: Laughing!Is the one handed typing due to holding food in the other?
Also, I was a bit embarrassed after that shout. Said to myself, there's not actually anyone in the room to tell.

Sophie: Mate, I’ve just eaten 6 baby pitas and tarama (again). Feel like I’ve eaten a breeze block. Woooo. Very full now.

Me: Have I told you how irritating Clyde has been lately? For some reason he has decided that the best place to be is on my dresser. Which is crowded with delicate things. Like lamps. And glasses of water. And, also, he likes it best up there at night. So I get woken up by him standing on my head so his fat butt can leap up. That is the first insult. Second he bumbles around up there and I have to get up and get him down before I'm cleaning up broken glass and whatnot at 3am. Third. Stupid cat.
Although he was amusing me GREATLY last night by sticking his head in the top of my lamp whilst I was in bed reading. Like, his whole head. Then I guess he realised the bulb was really hot because it kept making him sneeze. But he kept sticking his head back in it. And sneezing. And his little head would come out looking all confused and puzzled and dazed. I laughed a lot. Until he woke me up all night jumping onto my dresser.

Jess: I so laughed at this mail!!!!

Sadie: Laughing! Ah, he sounds such a cutie. A big mountainous lump of a cutie, but a cutie nevertheless. Wish I could have a cat, it's not fair.

Sophie: This morning he lay in wait in the bathroom and then leapt on to my leg in attack as I walked in (having woken up 10 seconds previously). Very shocking. Very shocking indeed.

Jess: Izzy has worked out that why smack my face once during the night when she can keep smacking it as it wakes me up and i larf!!!
I woke up this morning with a pin prick spot of blood on the bridge of my nose, yup, a rather violent reminder of an izzy swipe....
AND again she sneezed full in my face last night!!! I.MEAN.FULL.ON.SNEEZE!!!!

Sadie: Dude. Hasnt she seen those adverts on the tube escalator saying USE A HANKIE.

Me: I hate those adverts. Next to the word moist, I hate 'water droplets' in terms of those posters. Makes me retch.

Sadie: So, you wouldnt like a hanky, made moist from water droplets? Hanky is a silly word when written down. Or is is Hankie?

Jess: Snot rag dude.

Sadie: But I am a lady.

Jess: Again, snot rag dude.

Sophie: Titch, did you go to finishing school? It’s just with that turn of phrase I’m sure you must have.

Jess: Well I know school finished me off...does that count?