The MD wanted to know why I was celebrating Halloween. I came into the office wearing an orange vest with black jeans and a black cardigan, orange sparkly eyeshadow and bat earrings.
Me: I am a seasonal whore!
Then I was walking to my desk thinking, is it ok to say whore in front of your MD? And I hope he understood I meant that I acknowledge most celebrations, especially if it requires going out for a drink to do so, and not that on certain days I go stand on a street corner and shake my money maker.
Via text:
M: I’m going to Sainsbury’s on the way in to buy us breakfast
Me: Ok but as long as it’s Halloween related….
When she arrives:
M: I bought breakfast!
Me: Yay maple and pecan pastry … though it is not so Halloween related….
M: That’s why I got you a Halloween iced biscuit too! Y’know having a sweet breakfast is the best thing for you
Me: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm hm
M: No it’s true! The sugar gives you energy and ....(etc etc)
Me: Ok, can you now justify us having a glass of wine with this?
M: Gotta have your portions of fruit every day
Wednesday 31 October 2007
Tuesday 30 October 2007
like john wayne in the desert
Seriously, don’t ever get anything delivered to my office because I will totally shake it to guess what is inside. Mark had a package delivered this morning. He sits opposite Andy. I went over and was all, Mark your ‘how to make friends and influence people’ book has arrived.
Andy - Heh heh
Mark - Haha very funny. Just because your IQ went up 30 points
Me: ..... What.... did it? How would you know this?
Mark – I’m just joking
Andy - I don’t get it
Me - Me either
Mark - Because of how you look now
Me - ...............
Andy - .........
Me - Wow Mark. This is almost as good as you telling me yesterday my eyes were like John Waynes in the desert
Andy - I don’t get that one either.
Me - Nope, I was like, I have nothing to say to that
Andy - Heh heh
Mark - Haha very funny. Just because your IQ went up 30 points
Me: ..... What.... did it? How would you know this?
Mark – I’m just joking
Andy - I don’t get it
Me - Me either
Mark - Because of how you look now
Me - ...............
Andy - .........
Me - Wow Mark. This is almost as good as you telling me yesterday my eyes were like John Waynes in the desert
Andy - I don’t get that one either.
Me - Nope, I was like, I have nothing to say to that
Monday 29 October 2007
wet butt
Some people I work with are funny:
M: Lorenzo you need to cut your hair
Me: No!! it looks lovely as it is!
M: No, I prefer short hair on a man
Me: He has sexy bed hair!
Maurice: So Lorenzo - it totally depends what lady you want to get with - cut your hair short or leave it long
Lorenzo - So what do I want to do if I want both of them at the same time?
Some people I work with are funny IN THE HEAD:
Mark: Wow Rosie, your eyes suddenly looked like John Waynes in the desert.
Me: I … don’t know what to say to that
And some people are just INCREDIBLY irritating:
Me: *sitting in a wet chair* What the….. D, why is this chair wet?
D: Oh (CEO) didn’t want it on his balcony anymore.
Me: So..you thought you’d put a wet chair back in the office?
D: Where else am I supposed to put it? Women, always complain…
M: Lorenzo you need to cut your hair
Me: No!! it looks lovely as it is!
M: No, I prefer short hair on a man
Me: He has sexy bed hair!
Maurice: So Lorenzo - it totally depends what lady you want to get with - cut your hair short or leave it long
Lorenzo - So what do I want to do if I want both of them at the same time?
Some people I work with are funny IN THE HEAD:
Mark: Wow Rosie, your eyes suddenly looked like John Waynes in the desert.
Me: I … don’t know what to say to that
And some people are just INCREDIBLY irritating:
Me: *sitting in a wet chair* What the….. D, why is this chair wet?
D: Oh (CEO) didn’t want it on his balcony anymore.
Me: So..you thought you’d put a wet chair back in the office?
D: Where else am I supposed to put it? Women, always complain…
Friday 26 October 2007
fork off
There used to be forks in the office and now there are none.
*Lunch Time*
Lorenzo: Where are all the forks?
Me: Dunno, think (CEO) bins them when he has finished and we won’t replace them.
L: But I have spaghetti for lunch!!
Me: There are spoons in the cupboard still…
L: Oh my God!! Someone must know where the forks are!! I am going to send an email line round with the subject line – Re: Forks – Where are they? Then if no one replies I am going to start hiding the rest of the cutlery. Until people are reduced to eating their soup with a knife! Then I will hide the mugs! And the kettle! Then…
Me: This has really got to you, huh?
L: My spaghetti I had to cut into hundreds of pieces. Like a child. This is so degrading.
I can’t capture the moment enough but he was really wound up. Don’t be taking an Italians fork when he has spaghetti for lunch.
Also,
I will totally laugh if you tell me you want a ’50 inch monster’ even though I know you are talking about a TV.
I will also laugh if you say ‘I need a knob’ even though I know you are talking about a projector screen.
And I always smirk when the lift says ‘going down.’ .
*Lunch Time*
Lorenzo: Where are all the forks?
Me: Dunno, think (CEO) bins them when he has finished and we won’t replace them.
L: But I have spaghetti for lunch!!
Me: There are spoons in the cupboard still…
L: Oh my God!! Someone must know where the forks are!! I am going to send an email line round with the subject line – Re: Forks – Where are they? Then if no one replies I am going to start hiding the rest of the cutlery. Until people are reduced to eating their soup with a knife! Then I will hide the mugs! And the kettle! Then…
Me: This has really got to you, huh?
L: My spaghetti I had to cut into hundreds of pieces. Like a child. This is so degrading.
I can’t capture the moment enough but he was really wound up. Don’t be taking an Italians fork when he has spaghetti for lunch.
Also,
I will totally laugh if you tell me you want a ’50 inch monster’ even though I know you are talking about a TV.
I will also laugh if you say ‘I need a knob’ even though I know you are talking about a projector screen.
And I always smirk when the lift says ‘going down.’ .
Thursday 25 October 2007
if you're lucky
Find your own pose!
This is true. Though there is NO WAY YOUR FEET WILL TOUCH MINE if we happen to share a bed.
Wednesday 24 October 2007
friends
I saw the Shaolin Monks with M last week. They were pretty good. Flipping all over the stage. My favourite part was when one lay down over a rack of knives and the whole audience was quiet making M saying: ‘he is crazyyyy’ all the more audible.
I also went to a classical concert in a beautiful church called St Johns in Notting Hill. It was M’s flatmate playing the violin and her friend playing the piano. It was all very civilised. Until we finished the evening in the pub. I have never felt so unwell at work as the next morning. We both would have called in sick except I was celebrating being at this company for one year (a surprisingly difficult feat) and had arranged for everyone to go to the pub that evening.
I arrived at the office where M, on the early shift, was just slumped over her desk trying to speak coherently to someone on the phone. She is from Slovakia and was finding it really difficult to speak English.
All morning I felt like I was on a ship. I think this is probably because I was still drunk. We didn’t finish the evening until 3.00 and had to be awake at 6.00. At lunchtime I was starving and wandered over to tell M who said: ‘Yeah me too. I guess that’s why I just ordered two large takeaway pizzas then.’ It is so not hard to know why we are friends.
Luckily we were both feeling better by pub time. Loads of people turned up at the pub, which was lovely, and it is such a big deal making a year here that I even got a card. So many funny, lovely messages.
I also went to a classical concert in a beautiful church called St Johns in Notting Hill. It was M’s flatmate playing the violin and her friend playing the piano. It was all very civilised. Until we finished the evening in the pub. I have never felt so unwell at work as the next morning. We both would have called in sick except I was celebrating being at this company for one year (a surprisingly difficult feat) and had arranged for everyone to go to the pub that evening.
I arrived at the office where M, on the early shift, was just slumped over her desk trying to speak coherently to someone on the phone. She is from Slovakia and was finding it really difficult to speak English.
All morning I felt like I was on a ship. I think this is probably because I was still drunk. We didn’t finish the evening until 3.00 and had to be awake at 6.00. At lunchtime I was starving and wandered over to tell M who said: ‘Yeah me too. I guess that’s why I just ordered two large takeaway pizzas then.’ It is so not hard to know why we are friends.
Luckily we were both feeling better by pub time. Loads of people turned up at the pub, which was lovely, and it is such a big deal making a year here that I even got a card. So many funny, lovely messages.
On Fridays quite a few people from work head to the pub to start the weekend. I really love these Friday drinks as my favourite people from the office always attend. There is one guy,MS, who is really nice but sometimes does things I really don't understand. Like riling up a coked-to-the-eyeballs guy. I have no idea what he thought he would achieve by this but it was kind of worth it for this guy calling MS ‘curtains.’
Friday 19 October 2007
coffee break
The CEO has started a trial of Nespressos coffee machine for the office and it is pandemonium. It is next to my reception desk and the guy showed me; D and M how to use it and left. I was all, ok I will go tell people the coffee machine is here and if they want to know how to use it to come to reception.
This is like the social area now. The Italians are standing round having a chat and I have to frisk them before they leave as we have a limited amount of pods and they are thieving the espressos.
What really made me laugh was when the guy was showing me how to use it:
Nespresso Guy: All the options, e.g. espresso button, normal, intense.., are programmed to put the right amount of water in your cup. Scientists at Nespresso worked out the correct amount and this is set. *I have shortened this for boredom related reasons but basically he rambled on for a hundred years on scientific reasons why 1.39.45 seconds is the correct bla bla*
Me: Yeh, fuck curing cancer and whatnot, lets work out the correct amount of hot water for a cup of coffee.
Then my colleague, D, got really anal and was asking about what happens if we disagree with the amount that they have programmed in. The guy looked a bit flummoxed like, we have scientists working round the clock on this...and you think you know better?? But he showed us how to change it all and IT WAS THE MOST COMPLICATED UNNECESSARY PROCEDURE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Seriously. Ridiculous amounts of buttons and sequences and yadda yadda.
Me: Ok, we will never need to know that. Put it back on the scientific option.
(Bearing in mind that there is also a hot water option so you can top your cup up should it fall short of what you think constitutes the correct coffee size) (But you’d be wrong since you are no coffee scientist)
D: Well...never say never
Me: No, we will never need to know
D: Well...what if someone says my coffee is not big enough? Is there an option on this machine to change the size?
Me: Sorry, there is no option to do that, but here is the hot water button
D: Nope, I think it is good to know
Me: Ok, fine, it is good to know, but we will never need it and if we do tell people there is this option they will be pressing buttons and messing with it etc etc
D: But you never know... what if (CEO) might ask if..
Me: Ok then, sorry this machine does not have this option, shall I put more hot water in it for you?
This is like the social area now. The Italians are standing round having a chat and I have to frisk them before they leave as we have a limited amount of pods and they are thieving the espressos.
What really made me laugh was when the guy was showing me how to use it:
Nespresso Guy: All the options, e.g. espresso button, normal, intense.., are programmed to put the right amount of water in your cup. Scientists at Nespresso worked out the correct amount and this is set. *I have shortened this for boredom related reasons but basically he rambled on for a hundred years on scientific reasons why 1.39.45 seconds is the correct bla bla*
Me: Yeh, fuck curing cancer and whatnot, lets work out the correct amount of hot water for a cup of coffee.
Then my colleague, D, got really anal and was asking about what happens if we disagree with the amount that they have programmed in. The guy looked a bit flummoxed like, we have scientists working round the clock on this...and you think you know better?? But he showed us how to change it all and IT WAS THE MOST COMPLICATED UNNECESSARY PROCEDURE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Seriously. Ridiculous amounts of buttons and sequences and yadda yadda.
Me: Ok, we will never need to know that. Put it back on the scientific option.
(Bearing in mind that there is also a hot water option so you can top your cup up should it fall short of what you think constitutes the correct coffee size) (But you’d be wrong since you are no coffee scientist)
D: Well...never say never
Me: No, we will never need to know
D: Well...what if someone says my coffee is not big enough? Is there an option on this machine to change the size?
Me: Sorry, there is no option to do that, but here is the hot water button
D: Nope, I think it is good to know
Me: Ok, fine, it is good to know, but we will never need it and if we do tell people there is this option they will be pressing buttons and messing with it etc etc
D: But you never know... what if (CEO) might ask if..
Me: Ok then, sorry this machine does not have this option, shall I put more hot water in it for you?
Monday 15 October 2007
no glove, no love
Jenna: When you find yourself thinking: ‘I can’t be bothered to shave my legs because no one is going to see them’ is when you know you need a shag.
Me: Cheers Jenna. I mean, I like you and all ….
J: Waheyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy where’s my razor?
Me: Aw baby I like a bit of stubble. And if you could also maybe wear a fake beard? And call yourself Bob?
J: Well, I have a date this weekend anyway so I don’t need you. So ner. He is taking me to the zoo. I said: ‘Ok that’s fine, but no monkeying around!’ Heh, you see what I did there? Monkeying around.
Me: Yeah it was reallllllll subtle. Oh, and! You know how all we learnt in Spanish was where is my hat? Well I said it to a Spanish friend of mine last night and he was kinda shocked. Apparently you gotta be real careful with the pronunciation cos hat in Spanish sounds much like condom. I was all: ‘whoaaaa no wonder I got laid whenever I said that.’
J: Ha ha theres you thinking it was your exotic and erotic accent.
Me: Yeah I know. Egg on my face
Me: Cheers Jenna. I mean, I like you and all ….
J: Waheyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy where’s my razor?
Me: Aw baby I like a bit of stubble. And if you could also maybe wear a fake beard? And call yourself Bob?
J: Well, I have a date this weekend anyway so I don’t need you. So ner. He is taking me to the zoo. I said: ‘Ok that’s fine, but no monkeying around!’ Heh, you see what I did there? Monkeying around.
Me: Yeah it was reallllllll subtle. Oh, and! You know how all we learnt in Spanish was where is my hat? Well I said it to a Spanish friend of mine last night and he was kinda shocked. Apparently you gotta be real careful with the pronunciation cos hat in Spanish sounds much like condom. I was all: ‘whoaaaa no wonder I got laid whenever I said that.’
J: Ha ha theres you thinking it was your exotic and erotic accent.
Me: Yeah I know. Egg on my face
Thursday 11 October 2007
Wednesday 10 October 2007
making friends and influencing people
I love how specific his response is regarding the weather...
From: Rosie
To: Thomas
Thanks for all your help in this and I hope the weather is not as terrible there as it is here.
Rosie
From: Thomas
To: Rosie
We have a splendid autumn day. A little crispy at night and fog around dusk and dawn but otherwise 17 degrees and sunshine.
Best regards
Thomas
From: Rosie
To: Thomas
JEALOUS!
Rosie
Then I came into work today and received this:
From: Thomas
To: Rosie
Are you still jealous? Or have things improved at your end? The International book fair started so you might want to the chance and jump in a train. I might offer you a cappuccino to give you a warm welcome.
Best regards
Thomas
I only started emailing this guy yesterday. His emails make me happy.
Davis: Why are you smiling?
Me:No reason
Davis: You are flirting with that German guy again aren't you? Jeez.
From: Rosie
To: Thomas
Thanks for all your help in this and I hope the weather is not as terrible there as it is here.
Rosie
From: Thomas
To: Rosie
We have a splendid autumn day. A little crispy at night and fog around dusk and dawn but otherwise 17 degrees and sunshine.
Best regards
Thomas
From: Rosie
To: Thomas
JEALOUS!
Rosie
Then I came into work today and received this:
From: Thomas
To: Rosie
Are you still jealous? Or have things improved at your end? The International book fair started so you might want to the chance and jump in a train. I might offer you a cappuccino to give you a warm welcome.
Best regards
Thomas
I only started emailing this guy yesterday. His emails make me happy.
Davis: Why are you smiling?
Me:No reason
Davis: You are flirting with that German guy again aren't you? Jeez.
Tuesday 2 October 2007
lost and found
All the doors that I open here on a regular basis are fire doors. At 7.30 in the morning sometimes those things are heavy. Is all I'm sayin.
It is amazing how many responses you get back when you send a message like this:
From: Worthless Monkey
Sent: 01 October 2007 12:28
Subject: Found: Mobile
Anyone left a mobile in the mens toilets?
I have it at reception.
It is amazing how many responses you get back when you send a message like this:
From: Worthless Monkey
Sent: 01 October 2007 12:28
Subject: Found: Mobile
Anyone left a mobile in the mens toilets?
I have it at reception.
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