iz funny

ye, I gets it. I iz a 'basket case,' iz just not vair funneh

Corinne stayed over. Haven't seen her for AGES and I forgot how funny she is. We were lying in bed laughing about something when she farted.

Cor: Stop making me laugh. You KNOW it makes me fart.

Me: Oh. Right. Blame me. HA. Do you remember that time you farted on Chris and he went nuts at you?

Cor: Which time?

Me: You mean, there was more than once?

Cor: Well the thing is, Chris farts on me ALL THE TIME so once I decided to get my own back. But unfortunately the fart I did was not as unrepulsive as his. In fact, it was disgusting. It absolutely stank. Like, steps away from diarrhea without actually following through.

Me: OH MY GOD. That is DISGUSTING.

Cor: What was more unfortunate was that I did it on his head.

Me: .......................

Cor: HAHA. God. It was bad. And the other time was when we were at T and C's house and I was leaning on Chris and farted and he went NUTS. I was trying to lie because, y'know, it's C and she doesn't like stuff like that. But he kept yelling: "OH MY GOD YOU FARTED ON ME AND DON'T LIE BECAUSE I FELT THE VIBRATIONS." And I had to keep denying it. When I confessed to T that I felt embarrassed in front of C he said not to worry. That nothing amuses C more than rolling on top of him, farting and rolling away laughing.

Me: HAHAHA. That is GROSS. You guys are GROSS.

Cor: WHATEVER. I remember the first time I farted in front of Shaun. It was at my 21st birthday party and we were sitting on the sofa. Which he felt vibrate. And he looked at me all askance and was all, did you just fart!!!?????? And then he mentioned it in the pub in front of Charlie and Charlie HATES women who fart and he was all, you don't fart do you Corinne? And I was all, noooooo. And Shaun and Chris's heads nearly fell off.

Me: HAHAHAHAHH.

she should have known, he was only interested in her bacon

First, he won her over with his Kiss impressions. . .

Then he whispered sweet nothings in her ear. . .

It got raunchy pretty quickly . . .

But she had a sneaking suspicion he was just using her . . .

And he never listened to what she had to say

Actually, she is pretty sure he is avoiding her.

clarification

Me: Guess what I have!

Jess: OH they is well pretty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well done!

Me: HAHA. I had to commandeer them with minimal noticability. This is A) Because SH does not know A is giving the flowers away and B) Because I do not want anyone to realise that if the flowers are the same on a Monday morning, they are free for the taking and thus meaning I have flower stealing competition.
My progress was hindered by A) Not being able to take the vase and having to find a vase big enough and B) Not realising the
flowers were stuck into a big green dripping chemicalised foam block. In the end I stuck them in a Tesco carrier bag and managed to pull them out the foam in our kitchen. They are all different lengths but I have already spent about half an hour stealing them and so cutting them to the same length is a little beyond me at this point.

Jess: Dude!!! Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!! A) I loved the thievery B) How irritating these thievery transfers can be.

Me: Well I always miss out on the free flowers because A gives them away on a Friday night and I never fancy carrying them around the pub. Love the sunflowers in this display. Preferred the AS YET UNOPENED lillies and bullrushes that he threw away because I was too slow. Not anymore though! Wondering what display is there today. This is the only thing exciting about Monday.

Jess: So really you're sorted for Mondays from now on!!!! I hate this place whether it's Monday or any day. AND I can't steal any flowers. Bummer.

Me: That is not good, to hate your work everyday. Although working with your pal is good.

In other news. We untaped the cat flap and it was tres amusing watching Clyde try and get in and out. Also, I like when you let him out the front door and 5 minutes later he is climbing in Sophie's bedroom window. Or you let him out the lounge window and he climbs in the bathroom. What I do not like is washing my pillowcases and hanging them up to dry on my airer and coming in an hour later to find him sleeping on them with a staircase of muddy paw prints leading up to the top case.



Jess: Oh dude laughing at that naughty cat! I put clean sheets on mine one morning (which was a feat in itself as I did it before work) anyway, when I came home I went upstairs to say hello to Izzy. She woke up, stood up and stretched, then shook her head and she must have had some food on her face because all of a sudden on my sheets was this arc of liquid cat food stretching some 3 feet, all over my newly changed sheets. It's the haughty 'what?' face that gets me.

Me: Man that is not cool! Now Clyde goes outside he covers my bed in dirt too. Worse, last night, I was stroking him and I pulled something out of his fur that looked just like a MAGGOT. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jess: OH LAUGHING!!!!!!!!! Oh god he's gonna pick up fleas next!! I'm sitting here laughing to myself at the maggot bit.....still chuckling.

Me: It was not the funnest thing ever. AND he bit me afterwards. Matt was all, MAGGOT? MAGGOT??? THROW HIM IN THE BATH
IMMEDIATELY. But I didn't because I was too busy scrubbing my hands with bleach.

Jess: HAHA!

Me: Dad was so funny last night. We went over to theirs after Spitalfields for a lovely Sunday roast. Lulu was saying she was fat and ugly again and Dad started talking about people like Posh Spice who are so thin he says they are: "dead already." HAHA! "Who is going out with these dead women?" Then he was showing off about how much weight he had lost and LOOK! LOOK what hole he uses now on his belt! And then Matt tried it on and could wrap it round himself wayyy past the buckle holes. Dad: "Matt!! You are one of those dead people. That's not right man!" And then Jamie tried it on and tried to compete with Matt and nearly killed himself.

Jess: FUNNY!!!! Mark will never be a size zero, not unless he swaps his wine for elderflower cordial.

Me: Heh. Wondering what to have for lunch. Looking forward to going to the library for a wander. How vair vair exciting. Wish it was the weekend already. Jeez. Wonder how Lulu is getting on at college too. She had to go in this morning at 9 for photos etc. And gets her timetable. She says one of her teachers is really hot and she is going to sleep with him for a good grade. Or just sleep with him because, did she mention? He is HOTTT.

Jess: DUDE! She's been hanging around you lot too long!

Me: Well it is one way to pass your exams! Hopefully there are some lovely people on the course. Apparently Toby's mate Harry is starting at the same time as her and doing art so I would love if he was in her class or around.

Jess: Oh God, wouldn't Lulu being in Harry's class be a blast!

Me: Would be good. Would give her some confidence. Or even if he is just around the college. Dad was like, don't steal anything Lu or get into any trouble because they have CCTV and will be able to recognise you instantly. As in, she is the only white blonde girl. Unlike me apparently! I went into a cafe for lunch and the guys behind the counter started chatting to me in Turkish. I was like, what? This is disorientating. I just what a sandwich. Apparently they thought I looked Turkish. A: "Hadn't you spoken yet then? Cos as soon as you open your big gob people know you're from London."

Jess: OH FUNNNY!!!!!!!!! You is a Turkish bird!

Me: Well A thought I was Australian so he can shut up. I am obviously very ambiguous and would make a good spy. "She was Australian." "NO she was TURKISH."

Jess: HAHA. Sophie just rang me. She told me how sympathetic you were yesterday!!

Me: HAH! About her rash? Because she was moaning about it continually ("Maaaaat. Maaaat! Make me a cup of teeeeeeea because my rash is itchinnnnnnnnnng") and when I had disease of the hand she was all: "Eurgh Don't come nearrrrrr me." And anyway, I was right. It WASN'T meningitis.

Jess: HAHA! Good excuse for a cuppa anyway!

Me: Yeah. S just came over to borrow some dental floss. As I said, no, keep it. Then he started flossing in front of me. I was all DUDE THAT IS SKANKING. So he said now when he is finished he is going to blow his nose too. Nice.

Jess: As long as he doesn't shit on your desk be grateful.

Me: Christ! Does someone at your work do that?

Jess: Laughing........ Alison! Just got a funny text from Sophie, apparently her and Clyde have just kipped.

Me: What a cow.

Alison: DUDE! I DO NOT SHIT ON DESKS!!!

and there was me thinking the acoustics in the bathroom made me sound wicked

Sophie: Loved your version of Easy Lover in the shower this morning

Me: What? I wasn't singing that! I was singing a Good Charlotte song

Matt: I TOLD you she couldn't hold a tune

naptime dinner

Matt: Hello, If you want to wait until I get back I can do some Tesco's finest canneloni (i know I can't spell it), with a tomato pasta sauce on top and possibly a salad. Interested?

Me: This sounds good. I just had a sandwich and now I have sheep bloat and my jeans are now cutting off my circulation.
I think that might be how you spell it.

Sophie: Sounds lovely. Don't want to go driving. Just want to go homes to sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Me: I keep wondering, if I crawl under my desk and go to sleep, how long until someone notices? Just until the phone goes unanswered I reckon.

Sophie: Me and Grannie B have practiced poses that look like we're working when we are sleeping. Most effective: hold a pen, pretend to be reading something whilst looking down but close your eyes. It helps if you have papers in front of you or you're just reading the table.

Me: If someone caught you out, you could just say you were thinking reallllll hard

I know that because he is smiling

Iz dreamin of fud. Nom nom nom

I love when Clyde squeaks. I tried to record him squeaking last night but couldn't. Like, if you wake him up when he is fast asleep on your bed, he squeeeeaks. Then he punches you in the face. He is pretty similar to an aggressive hamster we once had. If you woke him up or had the AUDACITY to clean out his manky bedding, he would hiss and spit at you and, if you made him really mad, he would go in his little house and waggle his balls out the window.


Tenant issues ( I don't think she reallyyyyyy cares how his holiday is going)(also, 'wave panels' = cattle grids):

From: M
To: SH + All Tenant Reps

Hi SH,

I know you are on holiday but the smell of the varnish that is being painted on the wave panels in reception is highly noxious. We are on the 4th floor & the smell is drifting up the stairwell & causing headaches & nausea. I can only imagine what it is like on the lower floors. I have asked the painters to stop & they have agreed but this does not get rid of the smell. Apparently you or your architect requested this paint/varnish. Could they not have chosen a less toxic option? Can it be stopped & not resumed in working hours.

Hope you are enjoying your holiday

Best Regards,
M


From: Rosie
To: S

S!

Please let me know you are all ok and have not passed out from the noxious fumes!

Worried,

Rosie


From: S
To: Rosie

Dear Worried,

Thanks for your concern and exclamation! All good here, but I must admit it is smelly in the foyer.

I'm pretty sure the whole problem could have been averted or minimised by them simply opening the front door and the 2 back foyer doors to help circulate the air from the start.

And the cattle grids are growing on me.... BIG time. In fact, I quite like BOTH them AND the plain blue walls now!

S


From: Rosie
To: S

You need to go and stand outside and get some fresh air circulating through your brain cells because obviously the fumes have got to you.

Still worried,

Rosie

he totally does though

Me: Clyde. Do you love me?

Me, as Clyde: Yes

Matt: You are really really sad.


From: Matt
To: Rosie

Hello Rosie,

If you pass HMV can you please get me the new issue of Metal Hammer? The new issue has a cover made of steel, so should be easy to find.

Cheers


From: Rosie
To: Matt

Ok. What is it? A compilation or something?


From: Matt
To: Rosie

I don't even know if you are joking but it is a magazine. This link will show what the cover looks like to help you on your quest.


Lianne came over last night. She bought her own cider, straws and ice with her. She is a dedicated drinker. She reminded me of this time at uni when we went to a house party and got really drunk and I flashed everyone. "And you were wearing a BIG WHITE BRA." I am glad I don't remember this.


As I left this morning I noticed Clyde amassing slugs on the doorstep. Luckily I am going out this evening so Sophie and Matt can face hallway slug slaughter scene 2.

fatty

Man do you feel it when he jumps off the window ledge onto your stomach in the middle of the night


Me: Matt! Take a picture of me and Clyde! I look just like Sarah Jessica Parker sitting here typing away on the laptop with the cat sleeping next to me.

Matt: SJP doesn't have a cat. And, I know this may sound like a weird compliment but, you don't have a horse face.

Me: But other than that, IDENTICAL right?


Budget living . . .

Me: Brand Tumeric = £1.18. Tesco version = 68p. HA

Sophie: You go there

Me: I am


Me: Can you hear Clyde squeaking?

Me: Can you hear him squeaking now?

Me: Listen... Clyde makes this funny squeaking sound when he is asleep and you wake him up . . .

Sophie and Matt: Can't hear anything . . .

Sophie: *sitting on the sofa - accidentally sitting on Clyde*

Clyde: SQUEEAK!


Overheard: "I'm not gay! I'm FLAMBOYANT!"


Overheard, some hippy talking to another: "I'm thinking of changing my first name to rain and my second to bow, what do you think?"

Lulu and me: snort

Lulu: I am going to change my name to buttock.

Me: HAHA. Yeh. Funny. People would be all, what's up butty?

Lulu: And I'd be all, it's BUTTOCK

Me: It's pronounced boo-tock ACTUALLY

Lulu: HAHA, yeh. It's FRENCH. You're pronouncing it wrong. Jeez.

Me: Whatever BUTTOCK.

Because everyone, even kittehs, need a bosom for a pillow

Iz FACT


Talking of boobies. Or something:

Me: Had to listen to Sophie and Matt arguing over whether, in prison, the top dog sticks a spoon up his bitches butt to show dominance. Or something. Matt was on the side of this being an absolute TRUTH and his brothers girlfriends brother is a prison officer and has SEEN IT HAPPEN. Sophie was on the side of YOU ARE MENTAL THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN. I was on the side of, ladle or teaspoon? (Tablespoon was, I believe, the 'correct' answer).

Sadie: Oh my goodness.

Sophie: I know.

Me: That is an example of the conversations in our house. None of us wanted to Google it and confirm.

Sadie: Laughing at 'noooooo' to Googling!

Me: Corinne stayed over last night. He tried to embroil her in the debate on spooning. I heard: "No no no no no no! Why are you telling me this??? Spooning is when two people who love each other are snuggling in bed! No no no no. Stop talking!" So I now think it is 3:1. Or I guess 3:3 if we are allowing the original instigators of this (his brother and his brothers girlfriend) to join in. This can be the question we ask anyone that comes over: "Fact or fiction? When in prison . . "


Things that are awesome:

Me: H, I have just realised that I have not sent you an updated leave form and I have taken about 4 days off since I last sent it
H: Rosie. This does not come under things that are important.
Me: Really? Well. Forget I said anything
H: Forgotten.

Being able to leave at 3 yesterday because the internet went down.


Things that are not awesome:

Leaving at 3 and getting home before Sophie and Matt, thereby being the one that has to face the hallway slug slaughter scene.

Your kitten being affectionate and you having to touch him and be affectionate back because he doesn't know that slug slaughter scenes are BAD

Having to touch your kitten whilst wondering if he is covered in slug.


Matt got home a bit later, pretty much just as I had finished cleaning up the slug slaughter, and started asking all these hideous questions about what the slugs looked like. Me: It was more a get rid of them as soon as possible without retching maneuver. I didn't stop to study.

Jess: Laughing! Clyde is so funny, he's gonna get funnier too!

Me: He won't get funnier if he keeps leaving half dead slugs in the house because I will have to kill him and put him in a stew.

Jess: A STEWWWWWWWWW? Cover your ears Cldye baby!!!

Me: Don't worry, I think the meat would be too tough. BA BOOM. Thanks. I'm here all night, try the veal.

Jess: Laughing! SO SILLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

cat fan club

Jess: I'm tired today.....Izzy was hungry and kept waking me up til eventually at 1am I fed her.... Then I couldn't sleep, but neither could she. She was even awake when I left at 6am. Bloody isn't now though.

Me: ARR! Cute! She has fallen asleep on her nose!
Matt cooked a delicious dinner last night. Anchovy stuffed lamb with rosemary and potato. Boy is pretty nifty in the kitchen.

Jess: I know! Love that photo! Blimey!! Posh grub!!!! I'm in awe!!!

Sophie: It looked like restaurant food. It was all neat and there were sprigs of thyme garnishing. My food is usually stuff that you bung in a bowl - pasta, curry, casserole...

Jess: I've NEVER cooked anything posh, I'm well impressed... I could eat that now...stupid croissant.... Picnic in Regents Park tomorrow for Ally's birthday!!! Slight-ly worried about weather prospects.

Sophie: Well, if the weather is poo you'll just have to have a picnic in a pub.

Me: Lovely to picnic tomorrow. Hopefully the weather is lovely otherwise I second Sophie's suggestion of pub picnic. Matts dinner was well impressive. Yum. Meat. He can cook dead beast really well.
I just got a text from M saying: "I can meet you for lunch today if you like. Unless it is raining in which case I am not leaving the office." So. That's nice.
Sweet to Izzy. How does she tell you she is hungry? Does she try and rip your arm off? Or is that JUST OUR CAT? Seriously. He is a fat pig. Matt fed him at 7. I gave him chicken at 9 and at 5 he was telling me he was going to pass out from the hunger. I was all, well. You should conserve some energy and lay down then shouldn't you? BUT he DID NOT. What is worse is that if you go to the toilet in the night, say 3am, he gets all excited that he is going to be fed. And he has biscuits down. I don't think any cat eats those biscuits. Clyde just flicks them across the floor like the most annoying game of tiddlywinks ever.

ALLO, IS IT FUD TIME YET? NOW? NOW? NOW?



Sadie: Laughing! Cant blame Clyde for lovin' his food considering his role models!

Jess: Bloody laughed out loud at M!!!! And cat story!!! And dead beast cookery!

Me: I love my relationship with M. I love that we both say stuff like that that you might not say to someone else for fear of offending them. I told her I was on a diet and SHE said:

Rosie. Some people are just meant to be fat.
Me: Right. Thanks. But . . I still think I could lose a couple of stone
M: If *I* lost a couple of stone I would be dead
Me: Well. Thanks for that.

But it means when she tells you you look nice, she is telling the truth. Not trying to make you feel better. We were looking at some photos and there is one of me and this guy we used to work with. The photos has been taken from the most horrible angle and my stomach is huge in it.

M: ARRRR this is a LOVELY photo!
Me: Er, no, look at my stomach!
M: Well yeah but what can you do about that? You still look nice.
Me: On the one end, your a poo head for not saying I don't know WHAT you are talking about. On the other, thanks.
M: Did you just call me a poo head?

Jess: Laughing!!!!!!!!! She is funny!!!

Sadie: Ha. Laughing! Also, Jess, Ally and I dont stand a snowflakes chance in hell of having a dry picnic tomorrow. I want toast now.

Jess: Laughing!!! EX-AC-TL-EEEE!!! I have a ground sheet. It's an old shower curtain, but it would make ground dry. Forecast is sun and showers, and we'll have brollys and coats!! It will be funny. I really want to get some pretty bits to brighten the picnic up.

Sadie: Thats a good idea. It'll be dry enough. We can always eat and then, if the hail gets too much to take, move to a pub later.

Jess: Absolutely!!! How can we make it silly looking?

Sophie: You lot being there should be enough.

Jess: RUUUUUUUUUUDE!

Me: Laughing. That definitely sounds like an English picnic. What are pretty bits re: a picnic? Because all I'm thinking is me or fairycakes.

Jess: Laughing!!!! Yes Ro, def you would qualify!!!

Sophie: Lulu finds out which college she is going to by midday. With Lolly you just have to hope that one day her levels of crazy will be called 'creative genius' and she can make some kind of money from it. Although I have a feeling she will always be just completely nuts. I wish I was doing something arty like her.

Sadie: YOU wish you were doing something arty??! I spent all yesterday trying to come up with a process to open up 2,493 csv files, extract specific bits of data from each file, load the data into excel, reformat it, copy other specific bits of data, and dump it into another application with a date attached. Apparently this has to be done by end of next week because someone somewhere has messed up. Hmmmphhh. I wish I was a sculptor.

Me: *Sigh* None of us seem to be doing what we want. I want to go be The Stig on Top Gear.

Jess: Oh oh funny dude!!!!! I could see you as a bad ass driver on top gear. And you are arty! All of you!!! Not sure about Rosie.

Me: RUDENESS! I got a FIRST in photography at uni. Shame it was only a module. And a C in Art. Which was good because I never did anything in art. Our table was riotous. Example -

Mr George: That is IT! If I hear another word from anyone they are DISQUALIFIED from this exam.
*2 seconds later*
Sarah: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M BLINDDDDD IM BLINDDDDDDD I GOT GUTTER IN MY EYEEE OH MY GODDD I'M.. oh. Wait. I'm ok. Phew.
*Talking resumes*

Jess: OH LAUGHING!!!!!!!! FUNNY!!!

Me: It was pretty much mayhem after that happened. She made me laugh so much I was nearly sick. I still drink with Sarah and do impressions of it. Also -

*Nicki walks in*

Mr G: NICKI!!!! Where have you been???? This is your GCSE art exam!
N: Is it? Well. Noone told me.
Mr G: WHAT?
N: Oh well. Someone pass me some paints.
Mr G: N, I think you are going to have to stay behind to make up the time.
N: OH I DON'T THINK SO SUNSHINE
Mr G: I am NOT your SUNSHINE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. God. HAHAHAHAH. All day me and Jenna were all:
Can you get me a bag of crisps sunshine?
I am not your sunshiiiiiine!

Jess: Hilarious!!!!!

Me: Oh. My. God. Hot engineer air conditioner fixer guy just came over to talk to S (obviously given up on talking to me) and I am not wearing any makeup! Shouldn't say that really though as I once had an argument with someone I used to work with. She was one of the many assistants, only about 21 and never wore makeup. Once she said to me that she doesn't know why women wear it and bla bla feminism bla bla I am only wearing it to impress MEN bla bla. Me: I do not wear makeup because I feel I have to wear makeup. I don't think I am a total dog without it. I just believe in putting your best foot forward. I know my skin looks better with foundation. And I know my eyes look better with liner and mascara. I impress the men by dipping like a bobcat and bending like a pretzel. Her:" . . . ." Later that day someone on her team said something like omg that was amazing she has not shut up lecturing us about dressing etc for the MAN and bla bla and this is the first time she has not said anything.

I think this is why I couldn't go back to school etc. There comes a point in your life where you don't need to justify what music you like or anything else about who you are. Which leads to a conversation I just had with S where I told him Top Gear is my dream job because I could drive cars and be with Jeremy Clarkson. S: "Have you been smoking crack?"

Sadie: Nothing wrong with dressing for a man. That's how you get sex. What's the issue?

Me: I thought undressing for a man was how you got sex?

Sadie: Fair point, well made.

Me: S is also wandering around in his socks because, as mentioned before, it helps him think better. He says to me: "I should be lucky he has still got his pants on." Oh. Right. Well when you put it like that. He just called me from across the office to tell me that my concerns regarding the milk situation are "ungrounded" as we are now down to the last 2 pints. This is because I had a go at him for telling me we need more milk because we had none left when there was already 3 pints in the fridge and the 2 I bought were going to go out of date before they could be drunk. He admits to being a little panicked about not having his daily lattes. He also said I was 'sick' as I answered the phone to him with: 'Good morning, Meatloaf fanclub.' Anywayyyy, HOME TIME!!!

unicorns

My pals are total piss heads. They all went clubbing in Essex a while ago and now can't stop making references to unicorns and whether any of us have seen them because they have! In Essex!

From: Rosie
To: Mark, M, Lorenzo, Andy
Subject: Unicorns

Found one



From: Lorenzo

Lol, how much do u want for it??
What's about a trade: Italian stallion for your unicorn?


From: Rosie

You want to come sleep in my back garden ay. Saucy.


From: Lorenzo

Will the unicorn be there as well???


From: Rosie

He is pretty much always there. In that position. He is QUITE the lazy unicorn.


From: Andy

This must be a fake picture. Unicorns couldn't live in the polluted atmosphere of North London as they are very pure creatures!!


From: Rosie

That is, in fact, exactly where they hang out. Doing God's work, spreading joy etc. Totally says so in the Bible.

And he don't mean in the PM

No, srsly. You need someone to wake you up at 5? I iz your kitteh.



And have we mentioned? Our offices are COLD . . .

Sophie: I have on long sleeve top, short sleeve top, jumper, scarf and I'm wearing my coat as a cape.

Sadie: I'm cold. Fleece on, Anna and I bitchin about the K2 conditions here and have Terry sent for cups of tea.

Me: Why are our offices so cold? We are obviously delicate flowers. S is totally like Dad because he comes over and is all: "Bla bla, oh WHY are you wearing fleeces? Why is the heating on? What is the matter with you?" As he gambols around in his short sleeved t-shirt.

Jess: Laughed out loud at gambols!!!!

Me: I'm all: "Witness the dead plants. Clearly they died of freezing to death." But he says I am ridiculous and if I water the plants they will come back to life. Me: "....."

cos attacking is tiring work

Iz lucky I cute when I sleep since Lord knows I do not like anyone else to enjoy it


Differing music tastes . . .

Matt: >>>>>You have been sent an iTunes Voucher for £15 from Rosie!<<<<<<<<<

Matt: Nice one blud!

Me: Now you can download all those Meatloaf songs you wanted! Although do remember the 'Best of' album IS on the shelf at home.

Matt: I was listening to the Best of Meatloaf the other day and all I got was complete silence, it's almost like he has no good songs!

Me: Maybe it is because your ears are up the creek after listening to all those screaming 'songs.'


Last night I cleaned the house. It only started with changing my bed sheets which I like to do on a Thursday because then it is all lovely for the weekend. But then I was like, God, better vacuum my floor too because otherwise I'll keep putting all this CLYDE dirt in my bed. Then because I thought that I was going to vacuum, thought I'd polish my room too. Only 2 surfaces so whatev. Then thought might as well do the lounge whilst the can is in my hand. Then I bleached the kitchen, which is probably the cleanest kitchen ever as it is always getting bleached. But that is good since Clyde wanders all surfaces gaily wiping his litter tray feet everywhere.

Anyway. Cleaned it all and hoovered it all. Sophie and Matt were in bed and had shut their bedroom door at one point. Mine was also shut because I was like, for one night I will not have the hairy bed and his feet on my pillows. So I went and had a lovely bath. Get out the bath and Clyde was basically sitting in the hallway looking at the closed doors with his arms folded. He looked at me. Walked over to his litter tray and tipped approximately the whole thing over the floor. Then he looked at me again and marched into the lounge.

Try telling me THAT wasn't deliberate.

So I got my pajamas on and went and found him on the lounge window ledge. Wouldn't look at me. Picked him up and brought him to bed. He was all YES THANK YOU AND IF YOU HAD DONE THIS EARLIER WE WOULD NOT HAVE NEEDED THE LITTER TRAY INCIDENT. And then he wiped his feet on my pillow and fell asleep. Until 5 this morning.

oh HAI!

Kitteh thinks he is all that and a box of Whiskers

Whereas I? Am not -

Me: HOTTT engineer type guy just came in to office and asked me to print something off his memory stick. He asked me how me week had been . . . I spoke ABSOLUTE gibberish to him. I think I swallowed my tongue. Awesome.

Jess: Oh dude sooooo laughing!!!!!!

Sadie: Laughing! Oh how nice though to have a hottie in the office.

Me: At one point I said: "Um this is a Mac so I don't know where the thing is for your thing. Um, you know, the hole for your stick." So, actually? I'm dead now.

Jess: Oh fuc*******ing creasing up in here.....them all staring at me!

Me: After I said all that rubbish: *swallow* *clear throat* right. so. The IT department is that way.

Jess: Laughing!!! Bit of a windalicker moment!

Me: Yeah. I laughed too. OH WAIT. No. I didn't. I died of SHAAAAAAME. Although thinking about what I said it is quite funny now. In an unbelievable kind of way. S just came over and said:

Why are you so happy this morning? OH WAIT. Let me guess. It begins with P and ends with aul.
Me:Is that hotty mchots name then?
S: HAHA. Jeez. You haven't even asked his name?
Me: No. I just like looking at him. I haven't got round to the coherent sentences yet.

boilers and felonies

Jess: Morning! Been off for a couple of days getting my boiler sorted out. Finally had a bath, 2 baths actually, in less than 12 hours!! Divine!!

Sophie:You probably needed 2 baths. Must have been rather whiffy with no hot water.

J: DUDE! Izzy's been eating off paper pates to save on the washing. Poor thing moves it all across the landing as it's so light. Found her at the top of the stairs the other morning. She had a paw on the plate trying to stop it from falling down the first step!!! How's my favourite kitteh doing?

Sophie: Arr bless her. Clyde is lucky because he does things which are soooo irritating like trying to stick his face in your food and then the next minute looking very cute. He had some burger last night. I gave it to him in the kitchen and the next thing he's chasing it around the living room.

J: Oh God your cat stories make me roar!!!!! Sitting here being watched by rest of office as I laugh at Clyde escapades!!!!

Me: Yay to having a hot bath! Bum 'oleys to having to take days off and pay money for it though. All good with the Clydester. He can't be your favourite!!! Poor Izzy!! He is really affectionate around 5 in the morning because he wants his sup sup time (hooray it's) but then I'm all NO POINT BEING AFFECTIONATE NOW KITTEH PLEASE TO GO AWAY. And then he starts attacking.
Laughed at paper plate problem. Clyde woulda thrown it down the stairs and hunted it some more. Ain't no meat like the dead dead meat.
R: Why is there such a big scratch on your leg?
Me: Eh? Oh. Is how the kitteh asks for his breakfast.

Thought I was going to have a 'mare of a journey today what with the 'passenger incident' ("what is a passenger incident?" "Body under the train love") at my stop. But it was all fine. And I am the only one in the office so far. And today is fire alarm test day. Every Wednesday at 9.00. Today they felt it necessary to test it 17 TIMES. There was a FURORE in the reception with people all with the "what the HECK is going on? Is it still going off or are my earoles just still ringing?" I can describe the whole passage of my earway to my brainbox to you because it is all vibrating.

J: Laughing!!!!!!!!!!! Loved kitteh asking for his breakfast!!!! Dude, Clyde is my favourite kitteh, Izzy is my cutie big cat!! And laughed at how Clyde would sort paper plate out!!!

Me: NOONE is in the office yet. Normally R is in by now. Was the fire drill real? Someone get back to me asap. Lolly met me and M in London on Saturday. Her friends decided to go sit in Hyde Park at 4 so she met me and M in the Wellington Pub on the Strand for a drink. M was all chatting about men/sex/general rudeness/torture techniques and Lol was all DUDE.
M: What?
Lol: I am too young for this talk!
M: How old are you?
Lol: 16.
M: OMG!! WHAT?? I thought you were at least 17/18. Am I some kind of FELON now? An ACCESSORY to underage drinking?

Anyway. Then we went to Soho for dinner at an Indian restaurant M likes on Frith Street. And afterwards we were walking to the station and there were some firemen and Lulu and M were wavingggg and flirtingggg and M was all, move out of my way girl. And Lulu was all: Shut up lesbian mother! Which I thought was a very good come back. Until I realised that I was the other lesbian mother.

J: Oh laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Excellent!!!!

Sadie: Snorted coffee on pc at last line! Honest, there's actual spray on the keyboard.

unfortunate incidents

Me: Man. Only 11.30 and yet I have done LOADS. What is the point in doing loads if the time does not go any faster?

Sadie: Heh. Also, well done you for asking for a review...................Bugger, just noticed I have a one to one at 10.30.

Sophie: So . . . now then.

Me: Don't worry, being late makes you look important . . . right? I am glad I asked for a review because I worry that, because I was recommended, they won't say anything. Actually I definitely think they would but it was nice to ask. I wonder how Jessica's boiler situation is. And how was the wedding Sadie?

Sophie: 1 for the money and the free ride
2 for the lie that you deny
ALL RISE
ALL RISE
3 for the calls you been makin'
4 for the times you been fakin'
ALL RISE

Me: Going to have that stuck in my head all day now.

One for the money and the free rides
It's two for the lie that you denied (ohhh)
All rise (ohhh) all rise (uhuh uhuh)
Three for the calls you've been making
It's four for the times you've been faking
I said all rise
I'm gonna tell it to your face
All rise, I rest my case (uhuh uhuh)

Sadie: Well, thanks for the toon buzzing round my brain. Oh yeah. Jess's boiler fixed, a snap at £250!!! And she can now wash her skanky dishes up. Wedding was very gay. Kylie warbling as they walked up the aisle. Alison Moyet as they walked back down the aisle. Heaven remix by DJ Sammy as the first song. Venue was lovely and clear blue sky all day so they where very lucky. I looked stunning, naturally, and to celebrate my stunningness, I drank several glasses of champagne. I don't recall much about the evening........

Me: AWESOME! Kylie? HAHA. Which song? Do the locomotion? What did you wear? God. £250. Poo chunks to that. Although, what the price of a hot shower?

Sadie: Dude it was proper gay. I vaguely knew the Kylie song but it wasn't one of her big hits. I have a pic of me in my day dress I'll send, but not in my evening dress which was gold and brown, with gold and brown shoes and a gold bag. I was all bling bling bling.

Me: Haha to proper gay. Cool. Was it the gold and brown M&S dress then? You managed to squueeeeeze yourself in? Laughing at the bling.

Sadie: Yes, it was. Much easier to do up a side zip when someone else does it for you. All I had to do stick my arms straight up in the air and suck it all up. Not glamorous, but effective.

Sophie: At least you got it on (as it were). This reminds me - chatting to D in the kitchen whilst putting Vs 5 sugars in her tea. I told him that I normally put in less and don't tell her. He said "innuendo." I was like, pardon? And he said "I mean, placebo."
I don't think it's either but how strange. Music sounds awful but at least you looked good. Did you get a tear to the eye?

Sadie: Only of laughter. For some reason the word 'ring' set me off. Not innuendo or placebo, just kindly! I mean, 5 sugars, who needs 5 sugars????? Must taste like tea flavoured sherbert.

Me: HA. Freudian. Kinda placebo as she drinks the tea because she thinks it has the 5 in. But ... not really.
Two things of note which have happened this morning. And they aren't even that noteworthy:

1 - R just mistook me for S. I am wearing a black dress, am about a foot and a half shorter and NOT A MAN. He says it is because I sneaked up on him and that is what S does.

2 - Phone call:

Me: Hello, TG
Person: Hi, it's Shaun from ST. May I speak to someone regarding your printers please.
Me: Ok, that would be me. How can I help?
Person: Well, I wanted to really talk to someone in the IT department who knows what I am talking about
Me: . . . . . . Afraid you only get me. How can I help?
Person: It's quite complicated though. . .
Me: Well, I'll try and understand . . .
Person: It's about printer auditing and how we can save you money
Me: Right. So, you want to know how much we print and whether, if we change to you, it'll save us money? This doesn't sound complicated. And I'm sorry but it really isn't something we will be interested in.
Person: You see, this is why I need to talk to someone in IT, because they would understand.
Me: . . . understand better than me that you want to sell us your printers because they POSSIBLY could be more cost effective than ours?
Person: Yes. Exactly!
Me: Well, I think I understand the nub and the thrust of this conversation well enough . .
Person: I don't think you do.
Me: We are not interested. But thanks. That was a good effort. Goodbye.

Sadie: Oh dude, LAUGHING!

Me: Nothing else to report since then. No sales people telling me I am stupid because I don't understand printer efficiency. And haven't been mistaken for a man again. So.... OH. Did I mention? Crazy cleaner is back!!! Back to either locking the toilet door or loitering inside. Back to saying 'alriiiiiiightttttt darlinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng.' Back to randomly peering through the window of my office door. I would take a photo of his little Columbian head but I think it will only encourage him.

Sadie: Our cleaners wait till you are busting, then slap the keep out notice on the door for half an hour. When they've finished I like to pee all over the floor to get my own back. Not really, but I have been known to splash the sink up unnecessarily. I'm a rebel, me.

Me: Dude

Sadie: I'm really laughing cos JUST had an emergency loo situation, rushed to the loo and the keep out notice was on the door. Had to run back to my desk, pick up my pass and go down to the first floor. She must have been reading my emails!

Sophie: Emergency loo situation.... g---ross

Me: Luckily the toilets are across the hall from us so would have to be pretty sheer desperadoes to have an emergency loo situation. Had a homemade tuna salad for lunch. Was delicious. But now I have an onion headache and onion breath.

Sophie: I have a driving lesson and I feel anxious for some unknown reason. I too have onion breath and think I just ate my last bit of chewie.

Sadie: Am not liking the sound of onion breath. Never had an onion headache. Have had a football headace when someone threw a football at my head but I suspect is not the same thing.

Me: Sorry, I know it was bad but, I am remembering when someone threw the football at your head and am laughing . Which is bad because I think your glasses got broke. Oh dear. Now am thinking of the dog shaking and covering you in worms and when the oven exploded and blew your tights off. HAHAHAHHA.

Sadie: You mean when my £600 glasses broke. Yes, I don't remember laughing hysterically! Probably other people have been the victims of worm shower, or the victims of oven fireballs, but few people have had the misfortune to be victims of both. Just me most likely.

Me: I know. Ain't standing next to you in a thunderstorm

Sadie: Oh oh oh LAUGHING!

cheesy orange juice

Sophie: Wish I brought some Babybel with me. Dinner tonight: burgers and salad - Mattyo I thought we could pick up a tomato salsa and baps at lunch? Matt - and also some of that special Kraft cheese that you lurve so much on a burger.

Matt: I say no cheese....cheese is evil, so is Babybel!

Me: Good plan for dinner. I was supposed to make a nice lunchbox up for us today but that plan seems to not have worked so well. I blame the gin. Which we should have tonight because I made myself ask R for a 6 month review because I was all nervous that I am crap. But he said: "We would tell you if something was wrong and are all happy with you. Your work is very good and you are a pleasure to have around. Even though I lost a stone and YOU NEVER NOTICED." So feel a lot better and not so out of my depth with stupidness. And then we chatted about Martin Clunes and his dogs and R said it was hard to believe all dogs were descended from wolves when you have a big fat setter snoring on your lap. Also, cheese is delicious. I have not met a cheese I haven't liked. Good job, cheese.

Matt: You even like stinking bishop? That's just wrong if you do. I'm gonna buy some meat for sandwiches for the week.

Sophie: And some washing tablets. I was looking forward to a sexy salad as well. I keep smelling a weird smell and I think it might be my white top which took about 14 days to dry. Smells a bit dampish I think. Covered with horseface parfum.

Matt: Are your windows open? Because we had a damp smell up here and I thought it was me but we closed our windows and the smell went. Also, what are we doing for lunch? Rosie you are also welcome to join us for lunch today if you'd like.

Sophie: Ohhhhhhhhhhh maybe it wasn't me! Can't smell it anymore actually. I forgot to say, well done for the 6 month - non-review. I'll crack open a pork scratching & cheese string in celebration. No gin - A nice healthy glass of orange juice.

Note - We order groceries online and on Sunday Tesco delivered 6 huge cartons of orange juice. Sophie is blaming Tesco but Tesco weren't clicking the mouse.

Me: Are you sure there is enough orange juice? Also, I will have to decline the lunch invitation due to a distance/time continuum. Or something.

dinner guests

Jess: How was your chicken last night???

Me: Last night was good! There was A LOT of chicken but it all got eaten! There was one drumstick left when I was clearing up so I picked the unmarinaded parts for Clyde. DID NOT stop him attacking me this morning though. Not only was there chicken but there was a big salad, a feta, tomato and onion salad and 2! bowls of boiled potato (one was a mayonaise potato salad and one was plain butter because I was told some people do not like mayonaise. Turns out, the ONLY person who does not like mayonaise is JAMIE who also does not like BOILED POTATO).

J:Laughing!!! Typical Jamie!!! I had a shit dinner, a shit journey home, had to boil kettle to do washing up as no hot water for 2 weeks now, but yay boiler repair man coming Monday so hopefully will get hot water again, what else,oh yes,hoovered bedroom floor of tons of fur then knocked over plant which spread earth from window to door way!!! Crap evening. Crap dinner made me wake up at 1am starving... found a packet of crisps, ate them, then had to clean my teeth again. Crisps. Not worth it.

Sophie: What did you have for dinner? We hoovered and then they walked half of Trent park in. Did you get the hoover out again after the plant incident? Those things always happen at that time - it's always after you've finished cleaning up that you drop a glass. Boiled potato sounds horrid, they were actually specially selected baby new potatoes. And he doesn't like potato, not just boiled. He only likes chips. Chicken turned out well, despite my fears. Brothers were sloshed.

J: I didn't think in any shape or form you would be serving anything other than delicious potatoes dude!!! You didn't have to highlight! You're a bit of a cooky clever I think! Laughed at Trent park remark!!!! Dinner: opened box of old crackers(bit stale), feta cheese, old pickled onions from jar I found in fridge I swear I've had since Christmas, maraschino cherries I swear I've had since Christmas. That's it. Off a paper plate to avoid using dishes that take forever to wash using one kettle repeatedly being boiled!

Me: Dude. That is not cool re: dinner. Or to the lack of hot water. Mum said Clyde is like Monty because he has a foot fetish and he slumps over your feet. He was flumped all over Dads. Must be cos he has the stinkiest.

what's in a name?

Sadie: I have a video conference at lunchtime. My first ever, all on my own in London and twenty people in Hyderabad and Houston. Its all going to go dreadfully wrong. Off to put my stage make up on shortly..........

Jess: Laughing at stage make up!!! I would be bricking it if I had to do that!!!!! It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Sophie: Remember their first names...

Jess: Titter tee hee!! Yes Sadieeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Sadie: Yes, very funny. Abdul Mohammed just sent me an email but he signed himself Abdul Raheem. I dont stand a chance.

Sophie: Quite bad here as we have Abul and Abdul and everyone has to stop short of saying: "Which one are you?"

Me:Ok. I will pass on 2 tips for you which I have learnt:
R: If you do not know a gentlemans name, simply call him 'sir.' As in: "Good to see you Sir! How you doing?"
M: Call all men baby. This way, there is no chance in bed of calling out the wrong name.

Jess: Laughing!!!!!!!!!!

Cats, meat, men on trains

Me: Nearly had another smack down on the train last night but was restrained. Stupid football supporters. Have only just got. "We've goh-ot the beh-est team/in the land" sung to He's got the whole world in his hands tune out of my head.Though I did say: THAT is patently untrue. (Living with Matt means I know who is top of the league and it ain't Arsenal) although I said it under my breath because these guys were VAIR VAIR drunk and I did not want them all up in my face with their stinking beer breath.

One girl, I think she was about 15, got caught up in their group so she moved down the seated bit to get away. I was sitting at the beginning of the seated bit and she moved a little past me. One of the guys noticed and tried to talk to her. All "Nothing WRONG wiv us SINGING luv... OI . . Hey..." etc trying to get her attention. Then he tried to get down the carriage to speak to her so...um... I might not be brave enough to say something but boy am I brave enough to stick my leg out. Felt a bit sorry for the guy he crashed into though but it did distract him. The girl sat next to me and said thanks. I was like, no probs. All over tripping the drunks. Then they tried talking to us again and I gave them icy glare number 39 (reckon I gots about 78) and they gave up.

THEN I bought some steak on the way home and Matt cooked it and it was delicious. That is what we do when Sophie goes out. Get a BIG BIT OF MEAT for dinner.

Jess: So funny!!!!!!!!!!! Really laughed at vair vair and we get meat!

Me: Boy were they EVER drunk. This guy could not even TALK because he was slurring so bad. Another guy was giving some speech about how he "WORKS HARD ALL WEEK" and is just "CUTTING LOOSE" today to support "THE BEST TEAM IN THE LAND" and gradually changing the lyrics to: IVE GOT THE WHOOOOOLE WORRRRRLD ON MY DICKKKKK" (Me: Again, I bet that is untrue.)

Summary of last night -
Me: Whoa, look at the size of that steak!
Matt: WHOA. You want that bit?
Me: No. Dude. I like the meat but that is a cow dude. You have it.
Matt: Thanks! I really feel we're bonding.

Sophie: Matt this morning: "Oh, hey Clyde. That's right, I run around after you all morning and you just sit there licking yourself."

Me: Last night - Me: Do you want me to cut an onion up for your new potatoes Matt?
Matt: I will never say no to onion. I tried to eat one like an apple once because I saw someone on tv do it as a joke. But I wasn't doing it as a joke.

Sophie: Matt's raw onion consumption is the bane of my life. It just reeks.

Jess: Dear God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Matt!!!!!!! Dude!!!!!!!!! Funny cat!! Heard a noise at 1am, woke up and saw my cat sitting outside. On my bedroom window ledge. Yikes!!!

Sadie: Rosie - Really laughing! Well done you. Specially laughed at glare no 39!Jess - Goodness!!! How did she get up there, I don't understand????

Jess: She jumped on the chair, then onto the sill then went out the open window!!! I was terrified she'd fall off the ledge!!! Jesus all I wanted to do was kip!!! She was a naughty minx last night, running up and down my bed, going out the window, speed diving off the bed to rip the carpet up... I told her I was going to have to have a word with her tonight when I get in...

Me: Oh it is so much worse at 5am. Also, Clyde has learnt a new trick. Before, you could just hide your extremities under the covers. NOW he has learnt he can stick his pokey paw under there and get you. Stupid cat. Sadie - that was the cowardly way of handling it. Or, as I like to think, the TACTFUL way. "Oh. Whoops. Did I trip you? Was just crossing my legs and accidentally caught you in the back of the knee (the sweet spot)."
Everyone has a list of glares. Glares at people who walk SLOWLY down the platform even though the train is approaching and I want to get to the end and into an empty carriage. Glares at people trying to hurry you when you are packing your bags in a shop . . . actually that one I get in arguments about. It takes me less than a minute to pack my bags, pay and put my wallet away. When the cashier starts serving someone else or the person behind me starts rushing me I get so mad man. RUDE. I guess it really does not help that I have a tolerance level of approximately 20% and YOU BETTER BE DISADVANTAGED IN SOME WAY.

Sophie: I had to shut the door on Clyde at 5. I could here him skidding about happily in the hallway but I just couldn't cope with his antics in my room. Needed sleep.

Sadie: Laughing. I had a pop at the man in the wheelchair in Budgens. He avoids eye contact with me now. Even the disabled will feel my wrath.

Me: HAHA. What did he do? Also, Sophie will not say anything about it being bad to disrespect the disabled as Matt says she pushes the old ladies out the way so she can board the bus first.

Sadie: He wouldn't get out the way for me to pack my bag. Started sorting out his keys and shit. I wasn't even the next one behind him. Another woman had had to pack her bags round him. So I told him to move the shit along.

Sophie: Oh God no. I hate disgusting ones. I heaved at one yesterday on the way home and Matt made us walk faster. I can just tell when they are going to smell. The smell makes me heave immediately and I can't help it. I know that most dreadlocked men will make me heave because they generally are smokers and a bit unclean hippie smelly. Any stale wee. Any gurning no teethers. The other day I was in Nero and an AUBURN hair came out of my mouth it was in my tea mug and gag gag I am actually retching right now as I think about it.

Sadie: Laughing lots, but poor you! Gross to hairy tea.

Jess: Oh dude ginger hair........ Absolute sympathy......

Laying the smack down since '84

Jess: Hello! Sadie did you have a nice evening with Toby and Carina? Ro+So, any news on Lulu's results, don't want to ask her if it's not good, she must have them by now?

Me: No worries. Her results were good. Give her a call!

Sadie: Thank Fork! Lovely time last night. Drinks and dinner. Toby paid for it all, bless. He bought me dinner last time too. So tipsy he left his laptop and phone in the pub, but it was still there this morning. Probably because the pub isn't frequented with youngsters, just middle aged men with florid noses!
So cold yesterday that today I brought a coat in and am sitting wearing it with a fleece over my legs. Too cold to work methinks.

Jess: Oh laughed at florid noses!!!! Thank God for florid middle aged men!!! Poor you being cold!!! That ain't funny!!!

Me: WHAT is with people and the need for the coldness? People here have a PROBLEM and need to get their thyroids checked or something. It ISN'T NORMAL to need 2 fleeces and a cardigan in your drawer.

Sophie: Florid noses! Funny. Sade, you must have been like a babe in there with all those oldies hahaha.

Jess: Sadie, Sophie's being rude I wouldn't stand for that........

Sadie: I was indeed a man magnet, but my beauty ofttimes scares them so they keep their distance. How's Clyde?

Me: HAHA! Clyde is good. He WOULD NOT come in last night because hiding under cars and in bushes is WAY more awesome. But you know what makes the little piglet come in? SHAKIN A WHISKERS PACKET. *Zooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom* Oh yeah babyyy. Like us, the cat LOVES the meat.

Then Matt came home after seeing his fams and me and So were all DON'T LET THE CAT OUT! And he was all, I won't! And then about an hour later we were all, where is the cat? It is very quiet. Matt, did you let the cat out?

M: NO
Us: Hm. Are you sure he didn't run past you?
M: NO
Us: Because he IS very fast
M: NO. GOD. *Gets up and searches house* *Opens front door* *tinkle tinkle tinkle* *Cat pads in. Bit nippy noodles*
M: UM. O. HE WAS TOTALLY IN THE KITCHENNNNNNN

Lulu will tell you what she got. Am very happy for her. But seriously, this conversation made me laugh:

L: So I got a C in Citizenship and now y'all can stop telling me I am stupid and laughing at me for not knowing who, like, all these people are like Gordon Brown.
Me: Who IS Gordon Brown then?
L: Um. That was a bad example. I don't know who HE is, like, the president or somink but whatever
Me: HAHA

Dinner with Toby and Carina is nice! All good with them? Yikes to leaving his laptop in the pub! SILLY

Jess: Funny!! Laughing at Matt letting greedy piggy out!!! Is he not allowed to use the cat flap yet? Clyde not Matt. And bloody laughed at Gordon Brown!!!

Me: We haven't untaped the cat flap yet. Probably in a couple of weeks. Bit too nervous still for him to be wandering all day what with him being a maniac and all. After saying the Gordon Brown thing she was all, no no I TOTALLY know who he is. HMMMMM SURE THAT ISN'T WHAT YOU SAID A MINUTE AGO. Also, last night, Sophie and Matt were bickering and I was all PLEASE STOP I DON'T WANT TO COME FROM A BROKEN HOME.
Sophie: HA like we're your PARENTS
Matt *whispering*: If we split up you get to keep her
Sophie: ROSIE GUESS WHAT MATT JUST SAID

Sophie: I think he needs to get used to going outside and the surroundings before he's allowed out for an all night cat party.

Sadie: Laughing! Yes, you know how those cats can rave daddy-oh.

Sophie: Daddy-oh! So hip it hurts.

Jess: Hello is that you scat-jazz man? I got home last night, (25 past 8) went upstairs, Izzy in same position that I left her yesterday morning, she took about an hour to come to, an hour of me sitting stroking her head, her tummy and her back. Then she went back to sleep until eleven.

Me: I could SO do that

Sophie: Same here. She does sleep A LOT though.

Jess: It's probably for the best as I'm out all day, although she does come awake at night! Funny thing though, she sits awake most of the night all broody right next to me, like she's just happy to doze, but during the day, FULL TIME COMATOSED ASLEEP!

Me: Ar man. I am jealous of your cat.
I met M at lunch time for a coffee. It is very weird meeting her for non alcoholic beverages. AND THEN, right, she left and I went to Tesco to get some lunch and TOTALLY HAD TO LAY THE SMACK DOWN ON A BIG ISSUE SELLER AND A POLICE MAN HAD TO INTERVENE! Seriously! It was RIGHTEOUS.

Jess: Dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What happened??????????

Sadie: Just back from lunchtime drinks for Iain's wedding. Am a little merry. Not totally sober. I'm afraid to do any work. Until the tuna baguette kicks in I just think its not a good idea. Just sent an email to a chap called S Ali and copied in F. I started the email, Hi Ali. F came over and said 'You p*sshead.' Oops. I am now just emailing Linton Joseph. Hi Linton, hi Linton, Hi LINTON ............. first name LINTON, not Joseph, Linton, Linton LINTON.

Sophie: Matt says you shouldn't trust people with Christian names as surnames.

Me: Matt said it would 'mostly' be a con if I got hit by a bus so he can shut up.

Jess: Laughing!!!!!!!!! Funny funny..... I love so he can just shut up!

Sophie: What happened was we were on the bus and Rosie was dawdling on the crossing. The bus stopped and she carried on. Matt said: "Wouldn't it be bad if the bus hit Rosie? Pro: We'd be here straight away. Con: Well, mostly cons"

Sadie: So what the hell happened with the tramp. Sorry Housally challenged person.

Me: I met Miss M at Starbucks which is just in the station so I waited by the entrance. As I was waiting, I notice this Big Issue seller. Easy really since he was pretty much CHASING people to get them to buy his magazine and I am finely tuned to the crazies on the street trying to attract my attention. So I was all, urgh do not catch his eye. So M turns up and we have our coffee and the window overlooks where he was doing his "selling" and I was all, GOD M HE IS HIDEOUS. Like, all getting up into peoples faces. Anyway, she left and I go to Tesco further in the station. As I leave the station he is all up in some small tiny womans face yelling how she shouldn't be "rude to him, be DISRISPECKTIN him, she needs MANNERS" and he "can TEACH her some manners" and she was looking VERY SCARED and was saying sorry and "please stop following me." And THEN she started CRYING cos he carried on towering over her. So I was all OH HELL NO and marched over because NO ONE else appeared to be intervening (also, being poor and hungry, he was quite slight and there are generally a few cops milling about this area).

Me: OI! I think you need to leaver her alone dude.

Crazy Big Issue Seller: OH sum ova bich needing some manners taught!

Me: *I* am NOT the one acting like a DICK

CBIS: People disrespecting me need some manners, people round here be ROOD

Me: Oh yeah you KNOW IT and I am the RUDEST so FCK OFF

Anyway, he left this woman and tried to get all up to me and I was all, OH BABY I AM NORF LONDON AND CAN BE ROUGH AS SO YOU BETTER STEP YO COS IF THIS COMES DOWN TO WHO CAN CUSS MORE? YOU WILL LOSE!

There was A LOT of arguing and FOUL language and abuse (mainly from me *ahem*) and crying lady fearing a BEAT DOWN (that I WOULD WIN) went and told a policeman who came over and heard crazy yelling how he was gonna teach me some manners (ok, GET IT manners. Yeesh) but how I was all YEAH? I WANNA SEE IT. Anyway, the policeman was like, THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR FOR SOMEONE TRYING TO SELL THE BIG ISSUE etc etc and escorted him out of the station and I was all YEH 'INAPPROPRIATE!' LOOKS LIKE *YOU* NEED TO LEARN SOME MANNERS. And then there was scuffling as he wanted to COME BACK and teach me them but, again, this bobby was quite beefy and he was all homeless and poor and skinny. Anyway. crying lady explained the situation so I didn't look like a commoner all abusing the homeless trying to make a living. Policemans partner said thanks for stepping in but maybe next time I should get THEM to step in. Oh. Ok.

I tell you something. It released a lot of rage and I can recommend it.

Jess: Dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM KEEPING THIS EMAIL FOR EVER!!!! FUCKING CLASSIC!!!! So glad you was brought up all quiet and ladylike!!!

Sophie: What? Are you from America? Is this a film?

Jess: This is probably one of my best remarks from ever!

Me: Bringing the drama since '08. Also. Should it be made into a film? Cate Blanchett is WELCOME

Jess: SNORTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Me: Who said Kathy Burke? OUT OF ORDER

Jess: SNORT SNORT dude laughing and keeping all these mails!!!

Me: If you like I can reinact for you. Though there will be a lot of spittle. FYI.

Jess. Can't wait!

Me: Like, I am totally polite and middle class sounding around the office/on the phone/in meetings but some dude be all up in some chickies face I am SO THERE. Also, if they are smaller than me. And shit can I sound rough.... Y'all gotta stop nodding, yeah?

Anyway. It was pretty ferocious. I sounded terrible. And! AND! The policeman said he caught some of it and said I am: "THE BEST LIP CURLER AND SNARLER HE HAS EVER SEEN!" But then he ruined it because he said: "And I have seen some ROUGH people." I am still taking it as a compliment though.

You know what though? NO ONE ELSE INTERVENED. So. That either means they were too chicken to step between me and ol' crazy OR it looked like I was handling it. I'm thinking it is probably a mix of both but mainly B as you better BELIEVE how up in his grill I was. Also Clyde has made me look quite rough what with all the hand and arm scratches.

Sadie: Dude, that's one MASSIVE compliment!!!!!

update

Me: Gosh. It is very nippy noodles around this gaff. But tell me what's new ay. Cattle grids are still looking . . . griddish. Drain cover-y if you get them in the right light. A is hidden behind a MA-HU-SIVE vase of long gladioli. As I said to him, VAST improvement. There is a bought pineapple container in our fridge that went out of date on the 8th. I am not looking at it too closely. I think it is H's but she is in Switzerland.

Currently on my desk there is a pint glass of water, an empty tea mug, 2 folders, 11 cards, 29 letters, a diary, 79 envelopes, my door pass, a lump of plasticine that I have molded into the shape of a monster and a lot of chewed ended pens. Also, my cold hands. Also, this is only the stuff I am currently using. Not counting the other pile I call "pile o crap" that I have pushed to one end or the award statue that a previous company left that no one has thrown away. Or the fax machine that occasionally beeps and scares the bejesus out of me. I guess it has a fax in it's memory or something that someone needs to jiggery pokery with to get out. Not me though. I don't need more faxes etc.
Ok, it is so cold my knees have froze. I am changing the desk items to include a full cup of tea.

Sophie: I always seem to make blu tac cats

Sadie: It is a well known fact that there will always be at least one plasticine/blue tac monster in an office at any one time.

Me: I meant blu tac. I don't know why I said plasticine. Like I got bored and bought some toys in or something. HAHA.

The post just arrived which included a parcel with 29!!!! stamps on!

Me: R! You can HAVE this parcel IF you can tell me how many stamps are on it.
R: 30
Me: Well. THAT ruined THAT game

Sadie: What an office pooper

Me: I was all, Seriously, Dude, you couldn't have started low? God. I had more fun with the IT boys playing guess how much the cattle grids cost. (£1000 EACH) (Side bar - 'cattle grids' has really caught on and now A LOT of people are calling them that.)

mite mek it a bit hairy tho

Iz well nown fakt that kitteh sleepin on dryin bed sheet meks it dry fastr. No, srsly.

and not in the good way

*Checking our joint account*

Matt: Wow, £18 back from Tesco and all we had to do was be totally fucked around!

kitteh stand off

Me: Me and Soph took Clyde out. This black and white cat started stalking him. Clydes hackles were up and he looked like one of those blowfishes. Then another cute black one came along and him and Clyde stared at each other for hours. Our cat is the only one with a totally gay purple collar and bell.

Jess: Oh dude funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Laughed out loud at the last line!!! And the blowfish!!!!

Me: Yeah, his long hair was standing out from his body. I was all, yeah, you totally look ferocious and not HILARIOUS. Also, his stalking was like, stalk stalk RING stalk stalk TINKLE stalk stalk. Funniness. He was stalking this cat, creeping nearer and nearer and at one point he was standing on top of a drain cover and I have NO IDEA what happened, why he did it but he suddenly boinged 6 feet into the air. Whether the other cat made a sudden movement that made him jump or he felt water rumbling under his feet. HILARIOUS though.

his house

And because that story probably FREAKED you guys out as much as me (what? it didn't? Are you sure you are setting the scene well enough? dark empty old house? doors unlocked? windows open? billowing curtains? midnight? EYE REMOVED?) here is a picture of Clyde guarding his property. Oh you better beeeelieve he will mess you up if you come NEAR his litter tray yo.

clean underpants please

So. Last night I went home to take some stuff back as had been dog sitting and house sitting for my parents.. Matt had gone to a concert so I stayed with Sophie a bit and we took Clyde out etc. Anyway, get home at 10. Both boys have gone out. Walk into a dark house. No worries. Hiya Mont! Want to go in the garden? OK! La La La . . . OMG THOSE DIPSHITS LEFT THE BACK DOOR UNLOCKED. Had to search a dark house because otherwise I wouldn't be able to relax. Check downstairs. . . all good. Go upstairs and check all the bedrooms. Both boys windows still WIDE OPEN (Insurance company: So, Mam, any ideas how they got in?) and the curtains were billowing. Except that TOTALLY looks like a person standing behind them. AWESOME. I even looked under the beds. Finally I was like. Ok. It's all good. And went and watched tv in the lounge until 11. Go up to bed. Turn all the lights out and have my lamps on. Think I'll read Cosmo for a bit. Pick it up off the floor. Saw the cover of it AND JUMPED OUT OF MY FREAKING SKIN

breadbins

From: M
Subject: Tou Up terminat paper

Hi Rosie,

Paper roll for e-pay (top up) terminal is over, could you please arrange them?

Regards,
M


From: Rosie
Subject: RE: Tou Up terminat paper

Hey, if you get it from Rymans or WH Smith, I'll pay you from petty cash.

Rosie


From: S
Subject: RE: Tou Up terminat paper

Hi Rosie,

Could you please take care of getting the e-pay terminal receipt paper? I’m afraid we don’t know what sort of paper is required, so your best bet is to call e-pay on and ask them exactly what type/size/product code of paper we need to buy and where we might get it on the High Street (probably best not to order any through e-pay). The e-pay top-up terminal that we have is a “VeriFobne V510”).


From: Rosie
To: S
Subject: RE: Tou Up terminat paper

Ok, will call ePay and sort that out.

Rosie


From: S
To: Rosie
Subject: RE: Tou Up terminat paper

I hope you spotted my mistake below for the “VeriFone V510”. Of course, this was deliberate, in line with the general email subject on the “Tou Up Terminat” (which I believe is the German model. You need to yell it violently for effect…… “TOU! UP! TERMINAT!!!”.


From: Rosie
To: S
Subject: RE: Tou Up terminat paper

I DID notice your error. And by notice I was more thinking, huh, that is a weird sounding technical term. Why do IT people have to put all these weird extra letters in.

For future reference...

ePay terminal paper is FREE. YAY. I did not have to sell any of you to acquire some. I am not sure about the German variety. I believe you have to trade schnitzels for that one whilst doing a merry jig in leiderhosen. So phew to not needing that.

Anyway, I have ordered some rolls which COULD arrive as early as tomorrow. However, it could also not. If it is SHEER DESPERADOS that you have some TODAY you can go into the shopping centre and go to Rymans which will give you one of their rolls FOR FREE as we are all ePay terminal BROTHERS.

ALSO. I am so used to using that Swiss keyboard that the letters on this new one are all back to front. I have just had to correct all my Z's used instead of y although thinking about it I could have left them spelt wrong as zis would add to ze German element of this email.

Rosie


From: S
To: Rosie
Subject: RE: Tou Up terminat paper

Yis. Zat vood huv bin velly funny! (You heard right!! “velly” funny!! My keyboard is made in China!)

I THINK we can wait for the receipt paper. Thanks.

stuff

Jess: What have you got for tea tonight?

Me: No idea about dinner . . Toby won't be awake yet for me to ask either.

Walked Monty this morning even though I had to force myself out of my lovely bed of warmth. And EVEN THOUGH Monty is a very disturbing room companion. He came to bed around 1 (I KNOW! PARTY DOG) and woke me up and the started snuffling and sighing and scratching and snuffling until I went 'MONTY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP.'

Also, both boys are being very good but some things are WELL irritating and as an experiment I would like to see how long they went on for but because it is too gross and irritating I can't. For example, neither of them put on a new toilet roll. And they do not put the finished roll in the recycling so there was 3 by the toilet last night. The hand soap ran out so instead of putting the empty on the bin, they get a new one out and leave the old one there. Their clean washing is in the bathroom cupboard. Assume it will stay there until it is put back in their rooms. Jeans over the bannister, dried. The bathmat is soaking but neither will pick it up. Jamie drinks coffee and ma and pa have a fancy new thing that uses actual coffee. The used coffee is dumped in a pot on the side and then taken to the compost. It is overflowing. Jamie says he is not taking it to the compost until it is totally full as it is a waste of his energy to walk to the compost pile. Now, this is logic I can get behind when you are busy BUT, this is the conversation I had with Jamie last night (whilst eating mashed potato and sausages):

Jamie: How was your day?

Me: Alriiiight. Just normal. Work. Yours?

J: Alright. Got up around 11. Then it takes me a couple of hours to get going, ya know? Like, before I can even have a shower. So I read for a bit with a coffee. Then I had a shower got dressed and I have to relax after that, thats when I like to read the paper with another coffee. Then I made me and Bob a full English and PHWOAR did I need a break after that. I don't know how people carry on their day after a big lunch. Then I watched the Olympics and then . . well . . .you came home.

Me: That was seriously fascinating. No, seriously.

Also, I was freezing my ass of last night. Both the boys were in the lounge watching tv. Like, 11pm and I was reading in bed. So I'm all, it isn't normal to be shivering, that backdoor better not be open or something. Go out on the landing and notice Jamie's window is open. Seriously wide open. Gale blowing through all his music papers. So go and shut that. Go to shut Lulus door and feel wind over my feet from Tobys room. Go into HIS room and shut HIS wide open window. Am all, that should help. Shut their doors. Go have a wee BATHROOM window WIDE OPEN. The house was colder than sleeping naked in a field, swear to God.

Jess:Laughing! Seriously boys are just so typically lazy. Imagine if there was no Lucy to deal with them.... I mean, Monty is a dog so he's excused for HIS behaviour!! And thank GOD you have a dishwasher!!! Still if it means you get a lovely supper like you have been doing then I'd just suck it up!! Loved your rant though, very amusing!!!!

Sadie: Laughing big time. Those boys are useless lumps. Surely no woman dudette is ever gonna find them attractive!

J: Dude, you never saw the dinner he made last night!!! I did and it looked lovely!

Me: I don't think it is laziness. More, not noticing or THINKING. Like, I come home, empty the washing up bowl of slimy cold water. Put the scarily brown dishcloth on the stairs and wipe all the surfaces with a new one. Fill the dishwasher with all the cups, glasses and knives thrown in the sink. Pick up the washing from the floor of the bathroom cupboard and put it in the machine. Pick up the SOPPING wet bath towel. Put their clean washing in their rooms (me: OK, WHOSE are the white stripy boxers? Ok, WHOSE are the . . .) etc.

BUT I tell you something GOOD. Was about to leave the office last night and was like, better find my Oyster card before I have to root around in my rammed bag at the station for it. Can't find it in my bag. Can't find it in my pockets. Not on my desk. I was all GODDDDDDDDD. Had £30 on it. ARGH. Bummed man. Then I get to work today and it is on my desk. On it. I checked all around my desk last night because my trousers are quite baggy and I thought it might have fallen out the pocket. Not there. I asked the guys here if they had seen it. Nope. Asked A if it had been handed in. Nope. So . . .WHAT???? SPOOOOOKY. But awesome. I was going to moan to you last night when I was texting you but thought you would be all HA HA THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR SENDING ME A PICTURE OF YOU WITH A SAUSAGE IN YOUR MOUTH!!!

J: Laughing!!! I wouldn't laugh at you losing your Oyster card! Dude, that ain't funny!!! Jolly glad you found it!!! So when you're there you have boys to sort and when you are at home you have Clyde to sort. I'm not sure what's worse. But on balance, Clyde?

Me: Clyde is worse because you can't shout at him as he is cute but it gets to the point where you think, seriously, if I have to get the vacuum cleaner out again . .

J: Laughing!!!!! That's funny cos it's true.....

Me. I mean, I did gag a bit this morning when I lifted the toilet seat up but at least I dont have to walk in it CLYDE

Sadie: Oh DUUUUUUUUDE!

Me: Tell ME about it. I had to take a violation shower

Sadie: Laughing!

dark and sweet

M: I was dreaming about being an octopus when he woke me up for more sex. I was like, what's happening!! I have 8 legs! I had to check certain parts were all there . . . if you know what I mean.

Me: HA! That happened to me once. Except I was a coffee machine. He woke me up out of a deep deep alcohol infused sleep and I was all: "But I'm a Phillips Senseooooooooooo!" The next day he was like, I wondered what you were talking about. . .

lucky charm

Sadie: Had good shopping trip yesterday, wearing new bra today. Boobs so perky they're blocking the view of the pc screen. Wandered down South Moulton Street and sighed over some of the jewellery. Went into Tiffany's and they have the most gorge ruby and diamond necklace. I dribbled a smidge.

Little old Indian guy stops me in the street

LOIG 'You have a lucky face'
Sadie 'Thank you very much'
LOIG 'Do you want to know why?'
Sadie - Walking off - 'No, lets not spoil the moment'

I made myself laugh all the way down the street!!!

Jess: Laughing funny!! Cataract problem?