jam ANDDDD custard???

Rosie: S just went to Tesco to buy coffee beans. I gave him petty cash money and he bought: coffee beans, custard creams, doughnuts and cookies. HMMMMM

M: Cookies!!!!

Rosie: Cookies

M: From petty cash??? Bitch!

Rosie: From petty cash. Jam AND custard doughnuts. I was like, *ex-company* would NEVER have allowed this

M: Exactly! Imagine the uproar. Can barely buy bin bags. Jam AND custard. God.

my woman

Rosie: M!!!!!!!

M: Lady!!!! Just sent you e-mail... The training of this girl is just horrible!!!!

Rosie: Reading ...

M: I mean she is ok but she sits next to me ALL the time!

Rosie: HA. Dude. Give her a list of jobs and tell her to go to her desk and do them and come back if she needs help

M: I did... but the thing is there is not sooo many things to do, so I just showed her how to do VAT and she's doing it now...
but yesterday it was all about payments and admin duties, so she just sat next to me and I couldn't even go online... or check my e-mails... then she even went for lunch with me...

Rosie: Ar. Sweet. But tell her that your bitch (me) is the jealous sort and she should BACK THE FUCK UP

M: Hahaha. Ok, I'll tell her!

Rosie: I ain't even nearlyyy joking

student rules

The time is 16:41

M: Are you going out with your colleagues for a drink this evening?

Rosie: Ye. S asked if I fancied a drink this morning. I asked what time because those techies leave WELL late. Anyway he said they are going to be DEFINITELY finished by 5.30. First he said 5, so lets see.

17:28

Rosie: E's in Switzerland, H is working from home and R has just left. If those techies were normal they would give R 5 minutes to get away from the building then we would all go to the pub. They are SO lame. Or I am so still a student.

hair

Me: I like your hair.

S: I had a hair cut

Me: Nice. Also, you aren't wearing gel... oh, wait, you are. Nice. Subtle

S: Yep. The original bed head. Sometimes I just get into bed to do my hair.

like the wind

The property manager just came in with some guy to check our fire exit. Somehow none of us noticed that our fire door was swinging in the wind. Then they left and S came RUNNING down the corrider to ask who they were because he wanted to complain about the air con. I was like IF you had read the minutes of the tenants meeting I sent round you would know that I already complained about this a bajillion times AND, after the meeting, got SH ( the property manager) to come stand in E's office and see how cold it is.

S was all, yeah but the tenants meeting is fricking boring so, when you say 'Did I read the minutes of it?' I would have to say, no.

Anyway. We were chatting then he was all, ok, I cant talk anymore because I made myself a latte and it's getting cold.

Me - Just run back down the corrider as fast as you did to get here. Sorted

S: Yep, I think that is going to be my mode of transport from now on. Running. Don't do enough running.

Me: Please do, that'd be so hilarious if you just suddenly SPRINTED to the kitchen from your desk

S - Yeah, short journeys would be funniest

Me - I would love R or H to ask what you were doing and me to be all 'sssh don't question it' - just holding your latte out carefully and sprinting back to your desk and sitting down and getting back to work all casual like

Lady M

M: J sent me this e-mail:

J: Wow!!! You look fantastic!!!
M: Thank you J, I appreciate it.
J: My pleasure, believe me. I mean you always look great but today is just mouth watering

M: I haven't replied... I'm not going to...

Rosie: Have you gone into work wearing your bikini again?

Leaving

Dear all,

After many (long) years at *ex-company*, SB, DM and I have decided it is time to move on. We are having a joint leaving drinks on
Friday outside the Goose pub..

S and D have decided, after much practising in the office, to fulfill their dreams of being go-go dancers and have begged me to be their manager. Who am I to refuse?

Anyway, I hope that you can make it, it would be lovely to see you all again whether it is only for one drink or until we get kicked out at closing!

M

P.S. Please bring plenty of singles. My boys prefer £50's. Thanks.

cancer

My Grandma was recently diagnosed with cancer. Luckily the women in our family are very tough and she is recovering well. I think she liked legitimately being able to boss Grandad around though.

Sponsoring others:

Hi everyone!!!!

Just wanted to let you all know that I am running the race for life on July 20th at Regents Park! Please take the time to have a look at my donation website, have a laugh at the photograph and hopefully give me a bit of sponsorship money, as we all know I am not much of a long distance runner (I've always been far more talented at the 100m dash...to the pub..) and will find this experience incredible painful but for an exceptionally worthy cause. Thanks so much in advance for those of you who do sponsor me, I appreciate it loads and loads and if any of you are free on that glorious Sunday and fancy a laugh, come on down and watch me turn bright red and have a cardic arrest on the finish line.
Loads and loads of love to you all, hope all is well. Jenna xxxxxxxxxxxx

best jobs

Matt de-limescaled the shower head yesterday (he gets all the best jobs) and so now water isn't shooting out in all directions.

He also gets to wrangle the screwed up blinds the landlady had fitted, deal with lightbulbs, reach things from high cupboards, take the rubbish out of the cupboard with the gigantic resident spider and spend hours on the phone dealing with the council, waterboard, tv license people etc.

route finder

Dad and lolly drove to Brent to pick us up. Mum called me and said she was sending Lulu to guide him. I was all, REALLYYYYYY???Apparently she nearly took him to Scotland. She kept saying to him 'ssssh I need to concentrate on landmarks' then pointed them out as they sped past the car.

bubblewrapped bobblehead

Matt has a collection of dolls; footballers and Johnny Depp as Edward Scisssorhands and Corpse Bride. He had bubbled wrapped all these plastic dolls and boxed them up. Whilst me and Sophie were hanging all our clothes up out of bin bags, he started carefully unwrapping them all. Taking them out the box one at a time. "And this is Johnny Depp . . . and THIS is . . ." He wobbled his Sally Bobblehead at Sophie and she sprayed her coke out. I laughed a lot. Especially since I do not have to have them in my room. Dolls are freaky. Sophie will probably wake up in the middle of the night to find they've circled the bed.

breakdown

H just came over and asked how it all went. I told her about Sunday. About spending all Saturday lugging stuff around and thinking we would have a nice morning at Brent Cross spending our John Lewis money and getting Father's Day presents. And how the car broke down and had to be pushed into the Brent Car park. How we found out the place didn't even open for another 2 hours. How I don't actually have breakdown cover. How the car keys got locked in the car. How I rung dad and said 'Happy Fathers Day.... *sob*' How the car broke down again on the North Circ on the way home. How it started then broke down again. How Sophie and Matt got out and walked off saying 'disassociate' as I managed to bunny hop it down to the Volkswagon forecourt. But that we had a lovely dinner and then spent Monday sorting it all out and, aside from pictures being on the wall, it is all done.

It is so lucky we have good senses of humour. And a Dad with a tow rope.

moving weekend

1 -Me and Sophie took yesterday off work. Saturday we spent the whole day moving and were absolutely shagged by the evening. Matt wasn't so worn out but then it is not so tiring moving 4 pairs of boxers and '3 and a half' socks.

2 - Saturday night we had fish n chips for dinner then played on Matt's Wii that his dad bought him. It was hilarious. Very very funny. Sophie boxing looked like a spasticated cat. She nearly gave herself a stroke. My favourite part was me and Sophie kicking Matt's arse at bowling and him saying 'I dont understand, I do it properly and have the technique and can't hit anything, yet you two are crap and keep winning.' Sunday night he told us we weren't as 'passionate' about it as we had been and that this time 'we couldn't even be bothered to stand up and play.' I don't know WHERE he got the energy from. Me and Sophie woke up with back pain yesterday morning. Matt was all, MYYY back doesnt ache....... well, my legs do though.

3 - Sunday dinner was Shepherds Pie back home and it was delicious. As was the brownie chocolate and cream mousse mum made for pudding. Even though I was stuffed, I still ate it because I know that we will probably be living on beans and toast. Had A LOT to drink as was getting the bus home BECAUSE

4 - Stupid car. That is all.

5 - We did our big shop yesterday and I cooked spag bol for dinner. I also tupperwared it up for all our lunches today AND their is spare cooked bol in the freezer. MARTHA STEWART CAN SUCK IT.

6 - We didnt have dinner until about 9.30 last night because we FINALLY sorted out all the cupboards and cleaned and mopped. Sophie thought it was TOO clean around 10 and smashed the salt pot all over the floor. Even though it got rehoovered, I believe it is something we are going to be cleaning up for a while. On the plus, my feet got exfoliated this morning.

7 - The champagne we had last night was perfect, as were the £7 beautiful charity shop champagne glasses we bought.

your BRAIN is not working

I just sent you an email to tell you my email isn't working. Did you ge... huh. Um. So. Just came over to tell you my email isn't working.

scary fish

Rosie: E just scared the absolute crap out of me. I went to put some post in his office and he came out of the office just as I was about to walk in.
Me - OHHHH Jeeeeesus Christ

M: Haha laughing at you and E.

Rosie: I was doing my usual wandering and not paying attention. I may even have been singing a tune in my head. It may have been:

FISH FISH FISH FISH
FISHA FISHA FISH FISH
FISH FISH

M: HA HA HA. How about:

fish fish fish
I love you at my dish
fish fish fish
why r u so delish?

Rosie: GOOD ONE. Or:

FISH FISH FISH
I put pepper on your head
FISH FISH FISH
My tummy is now your bed

M: We are getting better and better :) We should open fish and chips shop.

Rosie: And sing to our customers? Ha ha. Don't think you are MEANT to scare them away.

M: Hmmm, that's true but we could have the happiest fish ever when we sing to them, they will die happy and have a good meat!

Rosie: OK!

lunch

Rosie: Playing my fish game. Hard work man.

M: How are the fish?

Rosie: Okkkkk. Accidentally keep killing them though. AND I think the credit crunch is affecting my fake fish shop because no one wants to buy my little fishes.
Fish
Fish fish fish fish fish

M: I'll buy your fish! How much is the fish?

Rosie: My Greenfin Fruit fish is $17

M: That's too much for a green fish! How about $7?

Rosie: Oh what!! Don't be hagglin' wiv me woman. This ain't an Arabian carpet stall. This is a top end fish store.

M: Ok then, how about $10 and some hairy strawberries?

Rosie: TOO LATE! My Greenfish just got sold. FULL PRICE

M: But I wanted to barter hairy strawberries for it!

Rosie: That is a scandelous trade.

M: Oh well, they went anyway. I traded them for a Saturday night date ;)

Rosie: OH! WHO WITH???

M: Nah, you don't know him.... haha, kidding!

Rosie: Oh

M: Me? Date? Pffff.

Rosie: Just leap into the hardcore sex, I gotcha. Dates are for girls.

M: Laughing

Rosie: Wondering what to get for lunch . . .

M: Fish!

Rosie: FISH???

Fish fish fish
Carp, trout and pike
Fish fish fish
On my fork you spike

I am going to feed my fishys. Then myself (not with my fishys though) (not with ol' George and Pete and Dave)

M: Hmmm, none of them is M???

Rosie: Nah, they are all quite ugly. And not at all vild. If one of 'em eats the babies I'll name that one after you.

Fish fish fish
Dog and cat and flat
Fish fish fish
On your head I boink you with my bat

M: Fish, I will eat you alive!

Rosie: Stay away from my fishes!

M: Cats like fishes...

Rosie: Yikes! No! Bad pussy!

M: Yummy!

Rosie: 2 are pregnant. Sluts.

M: Even better!

Rosie: :o

M: I thought they are guys!

Rosie: Ha ha, it's all the chemicals in the water. Making them a bit GAY.

M: Oh, gotcha. Ok. I am off to get some lunch. I really fancy some fish now. Laters.

salmonesque

I was on the tube last night and it was RAMMED. I assume because all the trains were screwed. Anyway. I was sitting down and there was this black rasta oldish type guy standing in front of me. We pulled into the station and the old guy sitting down behind the BROT guy got up to get off. BROT guy was all 'ruuude, excuse you' and all this other crap. To the old guy that accidentally jostled him in a packed carriage. I was all, WHAT a dick. And planned to step on his toes in my heels. Accidentally. Anyway. This totally beefy muscled guy sits in the vacated seat and accidentally jostles BROT guy, who starts up again with 'oh! another one! so rude.' And all this other bullsht. I was all, c'mon fella, get up and lay the smack down!!! I mean, I am not one for pounding on the smaller but this guy deserves it! KAPOW! But beefy rugby guy apologises. Unbelievable. I am not even NEARLY describing what a JERK this BROT guy was being. All teeth kissing and what not. ANYWAY. The tube pulled into Finsbury Park a minute later and I got up and he did the whole RUDE routine on me. And I may have turned round and told him to fuck himself.

And then I leapt off the train like a salmon.

telephone message

Me: S, I have Ed on the phone for you. He says you never called him back.

S: Uh o. Does he sound mad?

Me: Er.... Not especially.

S: What did he call me? Was it 'that Shithead S?'

Me: Nope. He was alright.

S: Ok. You can put him through.

it's alannnnnn

This morning Alan has just made me laugh A LOT. He is the building manager. I got in and he was all - you can email me now if you want!

Me - What? Why would I want to email you?

Alan - I dunno but the point is that NOW YOU CAN!!! They gave me a company email address!!

Me - Thats very exciting. What is it then?

Alan - Its - Alan. Just send it to Alan.

Me- What? Just send it to Alan? Alan @ what?

Alan - Just Alan!!!

Me - You're a maniac. It has to be @ something

Alan - NO its just Alan

Me -Jesus. Ok. This is my email. Send me a message

From: blah blah House 'blahblah.House@blahblah.co.uk'
To: rosie
Subject: my email address

What is my address??

From: Rosie
To: blahblah.House@blahblah.co.uk
Subject: fw my email address

blahblah.House@blahblah.co.uk

I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T JUST 'ALAN!!!' SILLY

art ATTACK

Me: Me and M both sit next to the fax machine. Just decided to send her a fax. Beautiful picture of us two drinking that I drew. She just messaged me asking where her nose was. I was like WOMAN, IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY?

Sade: But she recognised that the picture was of two humans, right? I mean, that's gotta count.

Me: She said it was very 'Picassoesque' but I dont think she meant it as a compliment

Sade: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllll probably not.

friction

Not only am I First Aid Officer and Fire Marshall but also the company tenant rep in our building. I just had to sit through a meeting where the colour of the freshly painted reception was discussed (dark blue? aqua? black? Midnight blue? GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW) was discussed for 18 MINUTES. And then, when that was over, we discussed the beigeness of the new stair carpet (too beige? a bit light? too dark?) so I'm feeling a touch of cabin fever. Did cause a few ripples by saying all at my company quite liked the colour. And (regarding the BEIGE) 'not bothered.'

FISHHHHHHHHHHH

M: Stuart the mouse

Rosie: The mouse????

M: I think there was a fairy tale with Stuart the mouse. Also, F is wearing a backless top at work today. Sexy Bitch!

Rosie: Stuart Little?

M: Hahaha. Omg! I laughing don't know why!

Rosie: Hahahahahahah. I dont know either but now I'm giggling. Why is F wearing a backless top??? Also, you aren't allowed to call her a sexy bitch because that is what you call me and I GET JEALOUS

M: I'm sitting here by myself gigling quite a lot! I look like I'm in a mental house

Rosie: Um. You are.

M: Hahahahahahahahahaha

Rosie: Hahahahahahahah.

M: F just passed by... she not as sexy from infront anyhow

Rosie: OMG. Laughing. You are a bitch. A sexy bitch. A viiiiiiiiiiiild vooooooman.

M: I have a hot man feeding me sushi in the bath later!

Me: You know at Christmas time, in Slovakia, you buy fish to eat on Christmas Eve and keep them alive in the bath tub . . .

M: Ye . . .

Rosie: If you're in Slovakia and you have a hot man, do you just jump in the bath with the fish already swimming around and get the guy to boink them on the head?

M: I'm soooo laughing on that image!!!

Rosie: Hahahahahah. I laughed writing it.

M: Dirty is taking picture of Mo on the sofa... they are looking at me like I'm a mentalist

Rosie: Ahahahah. Say hello to them for me. Also, WHATTTTT are they doing? PERVERTS

M: Laughing at the word 'boink'

Rosie: Just boink them fishys on the head. Fresh food! Fish fish fish fish fish!!! Here fishy, heeeeeere little fishy

M: Hahahaha, I can't stop laughing! Mo said you can come over if you want to be with him on the sofa... they say hello

Rosie: COME HERE FISHY. DINNER TIME

M: Fishy, fish!

Rosie: MO - I AM ON THE NEXT TRAIN. WAIT FOR ME BABYYYYY


Rosie: FISH, COME HERE RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE MY DINNER. NOM NOM NOM. I EAATTTTS YOU ALLLLL UP. FISH FISH FISH. SWIMMINNNNN IN MY TUBBBB. I LOVE TO EAT YOUUUU

M: I will pop your eyes first and then eat you!

Rosie: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

M: And cut your head off also...

Rosie: I was singing a happy fish song and u Slovakiad allllll over it

M: I am in mental house, so I'm excused! What's you excuse?

Rosie: Hanging around with you too much, clearly

M: Omg! I had a good laugh! Fish song is definitely my favourite!

Rosie: Har. I shall sing it for you in the pub:

Bathtub Fish

Bathtub fish, how I love thee,
How I love to bosh you on the end and eat thee.

M: Yeah, that's our song then

Rosie: You dont think peeps will find it weird us singing about fish? NAH

Fish fish fish,
Haddock trout and cod,
Fish fish fish,
Gonna stick you in me gob.

M: Hahaha good one. Fish and mish. Mish means mause in Slovak. Stuart maybe?

Rosie: What the heck is mause?

M: Mish mouse

Rosie: What

M: Mish

Rosie: You know gob is your mouth?

M: Yeah

Rosie: Cool

M: I'm talking about mouse

Rosie: This is like a language lesson innit. Except more interesting than school

M: Life will teach you

Rosie: PROFOUND

M: Cause it rhymes with fish. Mish

Rosie: YOU CAN'T JUST MIX UP DIFFERENT LANGUAGES BECAUSE THEY RHYME

M: I CAN

Rosie: We sing that in the pub and people are gonna be all, WHAT

M: They would be like that anyway

Rosie: Yeah, thats true

S

S: So, I am going to be in charge of some of the, er, security, um, stuff now... And YES stuff is a technical term...

Me: Yeah, I guessed that cos it went right over my head

S: Yeah, lotttts of technical terms in I.T.

Me: Uh huh, I'm getting the mental droop already.


S: How many access cards for the door do you have?

Me: None

S: Ok, let me go and get them for you so you can give them out as guest passes to whoever needs them

Me: Er, ok

....

S: I just spoke to R and he said not to bother since you'll only.... WHOA YOUR WEARING BIG EARRINGS!

Me: Thanks. I'm taking that as a compliment.

S: They're huge

Me: Yeah I know. I have to take them off to answer the phone

S: Women are crazy. Anyway. R says not to bother since you'll only need to give them to contractors working here for a couple of days and that is rare. Anyone else will just have to ring the bell and you can use your discretion whether to let them in.

Me: Cool. It'll go something like, no no no HOT! YES! no no no HOT! YES! BUT LEAVE THE WOMAN OUTSIDE

S: If they get nasty you threaten them with your big earrings.


Me: S what shall I do with these 2 dead plant/tree things near my desk?

S: Dead is such a strong word.... they are simply life challenged.

Me: Ok you can call them what you like but I don't think they're coming back.

boobs!

Rosie: Had a fabulous time last night. Love the group style drinking.

Shamima: Yeah me too, was so pleased that you came!

Rosie: DUR. Where there is a drink and some pals I am all over it (sometimes I dont even need the pals but ssssh).

Shamima: Was well chuffed that the boys came too. I sold it to them by saying Rosie will be there with boobs on show

Rosie: HA! Nah. They are nice guys and you are a nice girl, of course they'l come to your leaving drinks! And there was alcohol.


Later:

Me: It's so lovely loads of people turned up!

Andy: That's because Shamima told us you would show your boobs.

Me: Dude. I totally thought she was joking when she told me that.