When England and America collide:
America: Is that bag ‘gator?
England: No it’s Mulberry
America: What kind of animal is a mulberry?
England: It's a tree
Me: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa HA
Friday 30 November 2007
Thursday 29 November 2007
silver tongued devil
Don’t bother insulting me. I do it perfectly well for myself. Yesterday someone I email (work related) asked what I looked like and I said like a troll.
Today someone said I reminded them of a film star and I said I hope they didn’t mean Vanessa Feltz. I know she is not a film star. Just a moment ago I told someone I was channeling manatee.
Me: I don’t mean I look like a manatee….
Shamima: You really didn’t need to clarify that
What I meant was I am being all Zen. When you bother a manatee he swims away. Bother him some more? He swims further away.
Also, an email that made me laugh:
-----Original Message-----
From: Steve
Sent: 28 November 2007 16:28
To: Rosie
Subject: Testimonial
(Slightly amended genuine testimonial from a real client)
"(My Company) has an excellent understanding of the blah blah and have provided us with expert advice on the likely performance of blah blah.
Their understanding of the risks involved in this area was first-class and their independent analysis was an essential input to our decision making process.
Blah blah
Working with Steve is an absolute pleasure. The man is phenomenal. What he doesn't know about blah blah, isn't worth knowing.
Legend."
Me – I think I see where this was amended…
Wednesday 28 November 2007
toilet talk
An air freshener has been fitted in all the toilets in the building. It is mounted high on the wall and you have to walk under it to get in the door. I never noticed it at first until I thought someone had spat at me. If you are unlucky it’ll randomly pffftt out air freshener over your head and you will spend the day smelling like toilet freshener. Because there is no mistaking that smell. It is like an old ladies armpit.
I personally think the air freshener is unnecessary in the ladies toilet on my floor. This is because there is only 6 full time female members of staff working here. And they are all normal and clean. The toilets are always beautiful and sparkling. I don’t know what setting they have the air freshener on but it is TOO MUCH. You go in and the cloying floral smell gets in the back of your throat. Not only do you come out stinking of flowers, you can taste them too.
Also, someone keeps turning the lights out in there and I have to grope around in the dark. I don’t want to be groping around in the dark in a toilet no matter how clean the staff.
I personally think the air freshener is unnecessary in the ladies toilet on my floor. This is because there is only 6 full time female members of staff working here. And they are all normal and clean. The toilets are always beautiful and sparkling. I don’t know what setting they have the air freshener on but it is TOO MUCH. You go in and the cloying floral smell gets in the back of your throat. Not only do you come out stinking of flowers, you can taste them too.
Also, someone keeps turning the lights out in there and I have to grope around in the dark. I don’t want to be groping around in the dark in a toilet no matter how clean the staff.
Tuesday 27 November 2007
magic and mayhem
The train was packed this morning. We were all crammed on enough and then some guy felt this wasn’t crammed enough and pushed his way on. Normally I don’t mind. There is sometimes a bit of extra space and people need to get to work on time. But this time there was no space. And yet he still forced his way on. He stood behind me so I had my back to him. Which was a mistake. First of all he finished his carton of juice. And he was going to suck up every last drop from that carton. Then he burped so violently the hair on the back of my head moved. Then he blew his nose so loudly and grossly I was glad my back was to him. Then I looked up and noticed that the guy opposite me was staring over my shoulder and grimacing. I really did not want to know what the guy behind me was up to but I was counting the minutes until my stop.
On Friday I saw a magic show. My friend Corinne’s boyfriend was doing the lights for it and his friend was the magician. It was supposed to be a combination of magic and the dark arts or whatever. It was good. I like people who can hold their own against heckling. We drove him home and he was a really funny guy. I hope he goes on to do really well.
It was a good weekend. The perfect mix of going out drinking with pals, lounging in bed reading and spending time with my family.
On Friday I saw a magic show. My friend Corinne’s boyfriend was doing the lights for it and his friend was the magician. It was supposed to be a combination of magic and the dark arts or whatever. It was good. I like people who can hold their own against heckling. We drove him home and he was a really funny guy. I hope he goes on to do really well.
It was a good weekend. The perfect mix of going out drinking with pals, lounging in bed reading and spending time with my family.
Thursday 22 November 2007
fruity
M: Here Steve, have some plums
S: Thanks! But I need to go to the bathroom…. Rosie will you hold my plums for me?
Me: BEST SENTENCE YOU’VE EVER SAID!
S: Thanks! But I need to go to the bathroom…. Rosie will you hold my plums for me?
Me: BEST SENTENCE YOU’VE EVER SAID!
Wednesday 21 November 2007
today
Director (After finishing the first round of an interview with someone and writing notes about what he thought of her): How do I say professionally she was a bullshitter?
I caught a fast train to work and decided to go to Sainsbury and stock up on milk. When I arrived in the office and opened the fridge I found out that M had bought 10 on Friday and Davis had bought 10 on Monday. Won’t run out of it for at least 2 days now then.
Simpsons quotes I like:
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!”
“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
“I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.”
“There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”
I caught a fast train to work and decided to go to Sainsbury and stock up on milk. When I arrived in the office and opened the fridge I found out that M had bought 10 on Friday and Davis had bought 10 on Monday. Won’t run out of it for at least 2 days now then.
Simpsons quotes I like:
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!”
“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
“I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.”
“There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”
Tuesday 13 November 2007
bits
I went out to buy lunch and it was raining and the bottoms of my trousers are quite quite wet. Luckily me and M have an illicit fan heater under our desk.
Shamima - How did you get one of those?
Me - I can't tell you, the sexual favours we had to do... it would blow your mind.
I ordered a projector screen for a private event we were hosting. When it arrived on Friday it was broken. They couriered over another that afternoon that was also broken. They sent another. This one was fine. I was like; ok can you take the broken ones back please? The guy said he wasn’t authorised to pick anything up. Monday we received another working projector screen. I called them and told them. They have no record of this. This morning I received another one. The company now has 2 broken screens and 3 working ones. I’m thinking eBay.
My director just sneezed so hard he hit his head on his computer monitor.
One of the technical analysts walked out because we haven’t paid a bill on time for his technical software. I’m all – c’mon for something involving me to fail - heating, lights, phones....
Shamima - How did you get one of those?
Me - I can't tell you, the sexual favours we had to do... it would blow your mind.
I ordered a projector screen for a private event we were hosting. When it arrived on Friday it was broken. They couriered over another that afternoon that was also broken. They sent another. This one was fine. I was like; ok can you take the broken ones back please? The guy said he wasn’t authorised to pick anything up. Monday we received another working projector screen. I called them and told them. They have no record of this. This morning I received another one. The company now has 2 broken screens and 3 working ones. I’m thinking eBay.
My director just sneezed so hard he hit his head on his computer monitor.
One of the technical analysts walked out because we haven’t paid a bill on time for his technical software. I’m all – c’mon for something involving me to fail - heating, lights, phones....
Friday 9 November 2007
good morning
Last night I watched Californication for the first time. It is a new series on Channel 5 with David Duchovny. The phrase ‘Stinky Pinky’ made me laugh.
Today I spoke to a stationary sales manager for what seemed like a 100 years. They try and get the company to buy their stationary and they are pests. This company have already tried to get us to buy their stationary and in the end we gave up answering their calls to the point where I received a really curt email from them. Then today I received a call from another sales manager there trying to get us to buy the same stuff that the other guy had. I was like, um, you should go talk to your colleague. But he didn’t and we ended up having the longest conversation about whether he should get his name tattooed on his arm. I was like, erm I think not because a tattoo is forever and ever and ever and ever. Though if you do get one please don’t get it in a foreign language. Anyway, it was a long phone call and it turned out he lives about 10 minutes from me and his sister went to the same uni as mine and probably were on the same course and now I’m thinking its gonna be kinda awkward when I ignore his calls. I can imagine him going up to the colleague who spoke to us before and being all – Rosie is lovely. And the other guy being all *shudder* ‘stone cold man, stone cold.’
Unfortunately I had taken the call at a colleague’s desk so they were all agog like goosegogs at this conversation and making smooching noises etc. When I hung up the phone one girl was like, you have the sexiest telephone voice ever and I would totally swoon if you called me.
Good morning!
Today I spoke to a stationary sales manager for what seemed like a 100 years. They try and get the company to buy their stationary and they are pests. This company have already tried to get us to buy their stationary and in the end we gave up answering their calls to the point where I received a really curt email from them. Then today I received a call from another sales manager there trying to get us to buy the same stuff that the other guy had. I was like, um, you should go talk to your colleague. But he didn’t and we ended up having the longest conversation about whether he should get his name tattooed on his arm. I was like, erm I think not because a tattoo is forever and ever and ever and ever. Though if you do get one please don’t get it in a foreign language. Anyway, it was a long phone call and it turned out he lives about 10 minutes from me and his sister went to the same uni as mine and probably were on the same course and now I’m thinking its gonna be kinda awkward when I ignore his calls. I can imagine him going up to the colleague who spoke to us before and being all – Rosie is lovely. And the other guy being all *shudder* ‘stone cold man, stone cold.’
Unfortunately I had taken the call at a colleague’s desk so they were all agog like goosegogs at this conversation and making smooching noises etc. When I hung up the phone one girl was like, you have the sexiest telephone voice ever and I would totally swoon if you called me.
Good morning!
Thursday 8 November 2007
charts
Mark came over to discuss the launch of the credit derivative research paper.
Me: Let me just have a look at todays edition.... why cant I read this chart?
Mark: Let me have a look... oh. I see the problem...
Me: I'm CD stupid?
Mark: ...No..The charts been put in upside down...... andddddddd back to front.
Me: Well that'll help our rep and credibility. I look forward to calling people regarding it
Me: Let me just have a look at todays edition.... why cant I read this chart?
Mark: Let me have a look... oh. I see the problem...
Me: I'm CD stupid?
Mark: ...No..The charts been put in upside down...... andddddddd back to front.
Me: Well that'll help our rep and credibility. I look forward to calling people regarding it
Friday 2 November 2007
sexy
You totally do not want blowjob from me right now. Just had a falafel sandwich that was 87% chilli. My mouth is ten times the size it was an hour ago.
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