cheesyyyyy

Me: Toby just texted to ask how to make mashed potato. Hopefully he is planning dinner and not his own lunch :)

Jess: Oh that sounds promising.......... but.......he's asking how to make mash? is there more than one way?

Me: I don't think he has ever made it before. It is like boiling an egg. I always forget how to do that because I do it so rarely. It's like, 5 minutes? Sounds riiiight. Anyway, told him to boil the potatoes and mash them. He said, mash them in what? HAHA. Um, the bath? HAHA. But I am not telling him that that is a funny question because he has told me to pick up some gravy on my way home . . . Now wondering what a suitable time to bust outta this joint would be... 4 seems a leeetle too early . . . BUT IS IT?

J: Oh dude!!!! That sounds bloody promising!!!!!! Is Jamie not around?

Me: Yep. Jamie made Toby a full English for lunch so all good at the ranch. Once, when I was sad about something, Toby made me egg on toast and turned the eggs into eyes and added tomato sauce smiles. Sweetness!

J: Oh what a sweetheart!!! That's well cute!!

Sadie: BLESS!!!!!!

town weirdo

Every town has one: the local weirdo. The guy in the yellow is ours. I always find it is good he dresses so distinctively as I know where he is at all times. Generally along the street outside our office shouting obscenities at people and being an all round dislikable character. But I forgive him as he is crazy. YOU'RE WELCOME JESUS.

Also, I do not know if you remember me mentioning the plants in my office and how dead they are and how S says they are 'life challenged?' Do you remember? OBSERVE THE DEAD BUSH. What is strange about this bush, and the identical looking one opposite, is that the leaves have not fallen off yet. Weird.

controversial

Me: In my first tenants meeting we were told about the redecoration of the reception. It had already been painted blue but they mentioned these metal wall art things. ANYWAY. HEEEEEE-LARIOUSSSSSSSS.They are being put up right now and OMFG there are CATTLE GRIDS on the walls!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Sorry. This is SO not funny as it was not what was described to us but AH AHAHAHAHA HA HAH !!! HEAVY ARSE CATTLE GRIDS!!!! And they are seriously WELDING these mo fo's to the wall. OOOOOOOO I am waiting for the emails to start . . . I reckon this is why SH arranged to go on holiday now. These things are controversial.

Sadie: Laughing! Your reception area is just ripe for and tension and dissension.

Jess: Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I reckon you're gonna have some mega fall out from those there cattle grids!!!!

Me: Seriouslyyyy though. MAN. WHAT are they DOING???? HA HA HA HA !!! I can't stop going out and looking at them. HA HA AHAHAHA HA.

J:Laughing!!! Can you take a piccy?

Me: Going to try but there is a heck load of men out there trying to cement them to the walls.

*moooooooooooo*

Jess: Laughing!!!!! We have some hideous tasteless water colour of the clinic one of the geriatric old consultants chose with his crappy old man who thinks he has taste. Taste? Looks like a painting by numbers effort!!!

Sadie: Watercolours are so last year. We have two lovely life size giraffe head and necks in bronze. But then we also have a piece of hideous 'Changing Rooms' perspex crap on the walls too.

Sophie: Watercolour sounds boring. Giraffes sound funky. We have huge framed photos of the properties the company owns along the south bank and some ancient leases, which are also huge, framed. They are on parchment with ink and those huge wax stamps that you see in period dramas.

Me: *emailed picture* Ok, A totally busted me. He thought I was taking photos of him. I was all, NO GROSS I AM TAKING PICTURES OF THE WALL ART. He said that the tenant, N, who is the ring leader of the group, has not seen them yet. Would explain the ominous silence. Also, blue? Dark blue? Aqua? You can now decide!!!

J: EEYUW!!! They is quite gross!!!! Dude, that N is gonna blow a gasket!!!! Sadie's sounds lovely! Only this place shi* oh, now Ro's too.

Sophie: Looks like you are photographing that dude's bum. They look like sheets of steel.

Sadie: Oh God! That's so seventies dark brown dark blue depressive dullity. As a company statement its less come in we're here to help and more, come in and we're here to help you open your veins.

J: Laughing!!!

dangerous content

Jess: How's Mont?

Me: Monty is fiiine. I walked him yesterday morning and Toby walked him in the afternoon and then he was kept up until the wee hours because Toby had some friends over. I took him out this morning for a walk and he was all, seriously? Can we leave it for a couple of hours? Hm?
Also, he is just like Clyde. I have 2 pairs of pumps at mums, some sandals, a pair of heels and trainers. I lined them all up and that is where he chose to sleep last night. Not on his bed but all over my shoes. Idiot dog.

Jess: I'm glad Monty is happy, he doesn't like too much exercise, but then who does at that time! You're a good girl looking after his interests! Love him sleeping on your shoes! I bet you miss your Clydeeee, I bet Monty likes you there... I'd like some Shepherds pie and beans now.

Me:Toby had his mates over last night and I was wandering around wearing Dads pajama top and Tobys boxers. No shame.

Sadie: JEEEEEEEZ to the boxers!

Me: Yeah. And they are full of holes. I showed Lulu and she gagged. And then Dad was all, hey, those used to be mine and then Lulu died.

Jess: Hussy......
It's really quiet here...so boring...... Alas we have to sit here looking like special bus travelers.
That boy EVER gonna get a job? That's one lazy boy dude! Hope he cooks you a nice tea tonight, have you put in your order? Steak and onions and chips? He quite a good cook isn't he?

Me: That is a good idea. Spookily he just texted me but only to ask if I had fed Monty this morning. I had not, FYI, because I felt it was too early.
OMG I TELL YOU SOMETHINGGG. I am LOVING being here whilst Lulu isn't. OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED! I totally raided her jewellery and makeup last night. Sparkly green eyeliner? Tried that out. All her hair accessories. I am wearing a funky gold hairband. A thin metal one. It is giving me an ache behind the ears but looks cute. . . I'm gonna take a picture and email it to you...

Me: Well!!! I know I ain't wearing makeup in those photos but there is no need for your clinic to return my email and get all up in my ass about sending 'dangerous content.'

Dude

Text:

Sadie: A THIRTY TWO E!!!!! THIRTY 2 E!!!! OMGGGGGG

Me: Bitch. 34F.

Me: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT 36. Jeez.

Sadie: HAHA Laughing aloud in Selfridges cafe!


Email:

Jess. Sadie said she's a 32E according to Rigby+Peller!!

Me: Ye, she texted me. What a mammoth

Jess: Dude. Mammoth. Rude. Imagine what we'd be measured as.

Me: 'gazelle'

Jess: Oh yes, of course we would, almost ballerina like.

BRAAAAA

Sadie: Have tomorrow off! Going shopping and also have an appointment at Rigby and Peller Bond Street!

Jess: What do you mean you're off tomorrow and going shopping. What shopping? Bloody nerve.

Me: LOVELY to being off and having a shopping day. Jealous. And niiiice to R&P. I tell you something disgusting. I just made myself a coffee and when I went to drink it just then something HIDEOUS had happened. It looked like there was a biscuit floating on the top. I won't go into more detail than that because it made me retch a bit and I had to get S to smell the milk in the fridge and see which one poisoned my coffee. He said why did he have to do it and I said because if I smell off milk I will fall down and hit my head and die and it will all be his fault.

Sophie: Oh very nice to getting lovely new bras. Disgusting to the milk things. The muffin maker woman always fills our fridge up with red milk which nobody drinks. Also, she brought in muffins made with cottage cheese... me : so they are savoury? she:no, sweet. What the double eff?

Me: I could eat a muffin now, cottage cheese or no.
Nothing interesting happening so far today. Same old stuff. Made a nice cup of tea because was put off by coffee. Mum called me. I said I didn't want to speak to her as I could hear seagulls. She said don't worry, they will not boast about hearing seagulls as apparently the seagull sound is continuous and driving them nuts. All good with that lot anyway.

Jess: Good one!!! Did mum ask about Monty?

Me: Well DUH. Why do you think she called? To ask how we were?

Jess: Laughing laughing............ I thought as much!!!!

give me my pants back cat

Jess: How is your dog sitting going?

Me: All good with dog sitting. Took him for a lovely long walk on Sunday. Left the house thinking I was all that in the sun with my sunglasses on etc and fell over. SPLAT.

Toby cooked me a delicious meatball and spaghetti dinner last night and we watched some films. That was lovely.

Took Monty for a walk this morning at early o thirty. Again with me being all howwwwwwwwwww virtuous. And then it poured down. Awesome. Got home and had a shower then got back into bed. That was a very bad idea as mum and dad have the best bed in the whole world. Fell asleep until about half 8. LOVELY. First time I have not fallen asleep on the train.Tried to sneak in at 9.20 this morning but R crept up behind me and was all HA HA I SEE YOU.

J: Laughed at you and all that!!! Sounds like you doing a good job with Monty, I'm well impressed with Toby cooking, and you walking dog at crack of dawn!! Funny! But how quickly Clyde is forgotten.

Me: I tell you something, not being woken up from 4am by that stupid cat is lovely. Monty is pretty funny though. We came up to bed last night and I was all, get in bed, done. Monty circled his mat a few times then lay down, adjusted his position, scrabbled around, belched, sighed, farted, sighed, scrabbled around... I was all, MONTY ARE YOU QUIIIIITE FINISHED?

J: Laughing!!!! Really laughing!!!!! Sophie sent me a video of Clyde killing a plastic bag at 5am in the morning, laughed so much!!! Really laughing at that stupid cat!!

Me: Some mornings you come out of your room and it looks like you have been burgled.

Sophie: He tried to start this morning but I tucked my hands in. Then he went and bit Matt's arm a few times whilst Matt was sleeping. Really funny. Nothing funnier than watching someone asleep being slowly tortured.

flowerssss

Me: These just got delivered to me. Was SO embarrassed. They were just from the company I let use the boardroom. Want to take them home but little bit awkward to carry. . .

Jess: Oh dude!!!! They is gorgeous!! How classy of them!!!

Me: Innit though!! We are hosting the next tenants meeting in our boardroom. I am going to send SH this photo and tell him it is what I shall be expecting. Although I should get flowers EVERY time I even GO to that stupid meeting. Flowers and hard drugs man.
So embarrassing when the delivery guy came though. Seriously.
Also, kinda wish they were from a hot guy but whatever.

thinkingggg

Just had to go to Tesco because S came over and told me there were no biscuits in the kitchen and he couldn't think properly and so had had to take his shoes off. Sadly I understand this logic

IIIIIICEBERRRRRRG

Sophie: Went swimming last night. I love swimming. Rosie said I looked like I had been punched in the face because I was make up less and I have awful, awful black circles under my eyes which I paint skin coloured every day with concealer. Stupid sinuses.

Me: Sophie did a handstand in the pool. Some crazy swum into her. It was like watching the Titanic crashing into an iceberg. Sophie came up and was all: I felt really graceful doing that. I was all *hand covering face so as not to see unavoidable collision*

No, seriously

This morning I put on base, foundation, concealer, powder, eyeshadow base and vaseline.

*minutes later*

"How comes you look so good without makeup on?"

Me: Just blessed.

erroneous wedding underwear bullshitting

Me: I am doing a spreadsheet in millions. Eg, this is 3.2 million. So if I have an amount in the thousands, eg, 72.413, is it 0.72?????

Sophie: You are what you eat and I eat them.

Me: Hmmm. That is not helpful.

Jess: Hmm..... I thought that was not helpful too. I wish I knew what you meant by spreadsheet. PDF? Spreadsheet? All funny troll language.

Me: I wish I didn't know what a spreadsheet was either. I am working consecutively on about 17. And they are MASSIVE. Like, 23 tabs long. It is all getting a bit out of hand actually. They are becoming very unwieldy. I wonder if I can outsource them ...

S: I outsource mine to under my desk.. I noticed one there a few weeks (months) ago (we stick related bits in a folder) and then I remembered it was one that I was meant to sort out because it's Welsh and we didn't really understand it the first time round (we do them roughly at first so the bank people funding us are happy with figures) then we go through them after.

Sadie: Nobody understands Welsh things.

Jess: Or even wants to.

Me: Mac Ver = Big Mac

Sadie: Laughing! Ok, that is quite useful.

Me: One spreadsheet I have been working on for 2 months. (3). Noone has asked for it yet. If they do I am just planning on dazzling them with my well organised folder (work avoidance).

Sadie: That'll work. And then just say it would be impractical and inefficient to deliver the on-line data at this time.

Jess: Love,love, love your bullshi* talk!

Me: *Writing* . . . impractical and inefficientttttt to deliverrrrrr theeee onliiiine daaataaaaaaah at thisss time...

S: We say "task management and data handling" when our time wasting is brought into question.

Sadie: Chatting is 'Continually focusing on and developing my enhancement of interpersonal relationships in a working environment skill set.'

J: Does anyone have an equivalent for telling someone to f off because they are rude and unreasonable?

Sadie: Your interpretation of the facts is erroneous and consequently of no value. It therefore behoves me to immediately remove myself from your presence. . . or F*ck off you ugly c*nt?

Me: Was reading Fussy's blog where she had taken some pictures of herself wearing some dresses and wanted to know which one she should wear to a wedding; whether the black dress she was posing in was appropriate. Someone left this comment:

"You look pretty hot in the black. And plus wear the scowl too. So if someone says "This isn't a little-black-dress sort of occasion", you can scowl and say "Fuck you. Do I look like I solicited your evaluation of the ratio between my dress and the occasion? Shake your ass out of my face."

Sadie big boobs, have you been posting comments online?

Sadie: Laughing, I might use adapt and use that sentence when people comment that my cords aren't appropriate for work.

crack baby

Me: This morning being in my bed was not dissimilar to being in a bomb shelter. Clyde crack baby was RACING round the house. He did his flying marmoset leap onto my bed and up the curtains approximately 17 hundred times. It felt like being air raided.

Jess: OH DUDE!!! I love that kitty!!!! Clyde crack baby!!!! Excellent!! And I can so see the flying marmoset!!!

Me: When he gets tired of the regular bombing he likes to try a bit of clustering. This is where all extremities get attacked and you have to hide under the covers and hope he disappears.

J: I loved the video of him pouncing on your bed and yet to show it to Sadie!

Me: It was about 10 seconds long or something when I filmed it but wasn't sure how long it was when sent. I had my knees up reading a magazine and the page turning excited him. He scares the crap out of me when he leaps like that. One minute you're reading about top ten mascaras and the next you have his big head in your face.

J: So funny!!! I got him leaping then it stopped as he obviously crashed into you! Just sat and rewatched my Clyde videos AGAIN for millionth time.

Me: Maybe I will try and film him tomorrow. It will possibly be quite muffled and dark as I tend to hide under the covers instead of facing him.

messages

Left my phone at work last night. Had 4 messages, 3 missed calls and 2 voicemails. Seriously. What are the odds?

I had the sweetest message from Lulu saying: 'I haven't seen you for ages. What are you doing???' Which is sweet for because she had to rouse herself from napping to send it.

Also my other sister left me a longggg ramblinggggg message about potatoes. This happens more often that you think. In fact, she is pretty much the only person who leaves me messages. One was about the crazy lady upstairs and whether she had a bed fellow.

The other message was from M, basically saying 'HIIIIIII IMM ON MY WAYYYYY TO TURRRKEYYYY NOWWWW. HAVE FUNNNN IN THE RAAAINNNN LOSERRRRRRRRR'

The best voicemail I have on my phone is from M at her leaving drink. All were in the pub at 4.30. At 6 M was all WHERE IS ROSIE and called me. Obv I was on the tube at that point so it went to voicemail. I found this voicemail the next day and it is:

M: LADYYYYYYYY WHERE ARRRRRE YOU??? LADY!! LADY WHY ARE YOU NOT TALKING? HELLLLLOOOOOOO. Andy, Andy see if you can hear what Rosie is saying.

Andy: ROSIE! Where ARE you? Hello? Hello? hellooooo. Hmm . . . M . . . is this a voice mail? Lorenzo, you listen . .

Lorenzo: Rosie. Where are you? we are all in the pub waiting for you. Hello? Why isn't she speaking?

M: Hm... maybe it is her voice mail

Andy: Hee hee, I think it is

M: Heee heeee

I was randomly checking my messages when I found it. HILARIOUS. Was giggling on the tube.

idiot

From: Matthew
To: Sophie

Do you think it will be nice enough to go to the park today?


From: Sophie
To: Matthew

Yeah, hopefooly


From: Matthew
To: Sophie

Can't wait...I know this might not sound like much to you but my shoes are off and my toes are loving it.


From: Sophie
To: Matt
CC: Rosie

Same here. Shoeless. Who is writing the Tesco email?


From: Rosie
To: Sophie; Matthew

Hey Kids.

I am also shoeless! Although it is raining here so I do not think I will go to the park. I am going to go to the library instead.
I do not mind writing the Tesco email if no one else wants to.

Waiting for a visitor to turn up. R said his name is Michael Moore. I was all, what THEE Michael Moore? R was all, yeah, doubt he has heard that one before. So I went and told A that we were going to have a visitor and could he allocate him parking. A- what, THEE Michael Moore? Me - Yeah, VERY original A. Jeez.


From: Sophie

Weirdo....
Yes please to the email. I don't really know what kind of dramas went on between you 2 and Tesco. I arrived home to you both frantically trying to flag down a mysterious van.


From: Rosie

Who's writing it then?
H: What THEE Michael Moore?


From: Matt

I think Rosie write it and then sends us a copy and we can add to it. As long as the email includes the words "driver" "idiotic and "arsehole" then I think it will be fine.


From: Rosie

So far . .
Subject: Your idiotic arsehole of a driver


From: Matthew

I like it


From: Rosie
Subject: Tesco

Feel free to chop and change/be meaner about the driver . . .

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to make a complaint about the terrible customer service I received last night from Tesco.

I arranged for my groceries to be delivered in the 7.00-9.00pm time slot. When they didn't turn up my partner called the Tesco customer service number to be told that they had received no information from the driver that he was running late and if we hadn't heard from him by 9.30 we were to call back. At 9.30 we called back and were put on hold whilst the driver was contacted. We were told that the driver was running late and had tried to call us numerous times and had left a voicemail. I received no calls nor any messages and do not believe this to be the case.

The driver told us he would be with us before 10pm. Around 10 he called us to say he could not find our address and said where he was. His location was about 2 minutes from the property and we directed him to our house. After 10 minutes he called again to say he still couldn't find us. Again we gave him simple directions. When 20 minutes later he still had not showed up we tried calling him and one of us even walked to where he said he was to see if they could find him.

At 10.30 we called Tesco to be told that the driver had decided to return to the store and could we go to Tesco in Ponders End and collect our groceries. Obviously if it was convenient to do this we would not have bothered with a delivery at all. We were also told that if a delivery cannot be made the drivers post a note at the address and had we received this. Considering we had spent our evening waiting at home for the driver and calling Tesco continually to see where he was, asking this question made no sense.

I fail to understand why the driver decided to return to the store and why there was so little communication between him, Tesco and us. It should not have been our responsibility to track down the order, spend hours on the phone and go in search of the van to ultimately have to rearrange the delivery for another time at great inconvenience.

I arranged my first Tesco delivery to this property (only having moved in two months ago) last month and had absolutely no problems. The driver arrived on time and was polite, courteous and helpful. Having always used Tesco and continually received excellent customer service I would hate to use another store. However, if this is what I can expect from deliveries in the future I see no other option unless this issue is addressed and I am duly compensated for a wasted and, frankly, exasperating evening.

round big and juicy

I was walking down the high street with Lulu on Wednesday when she saw some boys from her school. She was all OMG OMG OMG OMG I'm not wearing maaaake up.
Me - LULU, you are wearing a £100 Rigby and Peller bra and a low vest top. Trust me when I say these boys ain't lookin atcha face. I'M not even looking at your face

poop

From: Rosie
To: Jess; Sadie; Sophie

I have NO IDEA where the expression 'I think not baby puppy' is from but I have it in my head CONTINUALLY. Probably from when one of the dogs was a pup. I am forever saying it to people, professional people, and Clyde. Who could not give a sht. TALKING of THAT cat and poop. Turns out his facial lump is an infection. An E-coli infection. A poo infection. AND THAT is because he likes to play in his litter tray.


From: Sophie

Isn't it funny (not) that I said he would get a feacal infection and he already had.

general local populace: crazy

From: Rosie
To: Sophie; Sadie; Jess

Haven't stopped for a cuppa yet. Went to Tesco before I came into work for milk and sugar and got into a fight with someone in the q behind. I CANT STAND people who cannot wait for me to pack my bag and put my wallet away before nudging me aside. I was all, EXCUSE YOU BACK UP. And he was all, WHAT is your problem. And I was like, ER YOUR SELF ALL UP IN MY GRILL SO MOVE. And then the checkout lady intervened before I cut him. She was all, um, perhaps it would be better if you stood back a second whilst I finish serving her. And I was all, YEAH PERHAPS IT WOULD. MMMMMMMM HMMMM. Like, God. Get out of my face already.


From: Sophie

Rosie. I have noticed more and more that you are turning into one of these people that go into our Tesco. Something in the water.
Also, I was woken up today by the delightful sound of Clyde upchucking on my not more than 15 hours prior cleaned and hoovered bedroom floor.


From: Rosie

You think I should save time and just get me a rooster, start delivering the local newspapers, cornrow my hair and smoke rollies?

Eurgh. Clyde was sick? Until about 5 this morning he was sleeping on the window ledge in my room. Occasionally I woke up to him patrolling the ledge. Made me feel secure that he was keeping an eye on the crazies for me. The crazy home opposite my window had the lights on all night.

o. thanks

Jamie: I made you a cup of tea

Me: Ahhh cheeersss

Jamie: I sneezed over both of them but boiling water kills all germs, right?

Dr and Vet

From: Sophie
To: Sadie; Jessica; Rosie

I am going to the drs this eve for sinuses AGAIN


From: Sadie

Hope the docs gives you something useful this time.


*NEXT DAY*

From: Sophie

I got some more sinus spray. She said that if I get it again they might have to refer me to an ENT clinic. The dr had really bad obsessive compulsive disorder!! I couldn't believe it! She was a doctor!


From: Sadie

What was she doing?


From: Sophie

Ro and I used to work with one called Eileen who would open and shut books and stuff so I know all their habits.
I walked in and thought she was odd because she was wearing a heavy sweater and it was soooo hot. Then she kept repeating things and checking in a book, opening, shutting, opening, comparing and pointing and saying 'memetonone furex nasal spray 50mg' like a chant and pointing between the prescription and the book. I finally thought she had stopped because she closed the book so I stood up and then she stood up opened the book took the prescription back off me and did it a few more times.
So I was awkwardly half standing half perched and then I just thought fuck it, it's been quite a long day and I have to take the cat to the vet and you are really delaying things so I just grabbed it. As I left she said, sorry for the delay. How can a dr have OCD?!


From: Sadie

Oh Jesus really laughing! Particularly at the thought of you finally grabbing the prescription. If she's got OCD, surely you should at least be warned before you go in that's she's having a bad day!


From: Rosie

It took a little while to click. I tell you something, it was the longest repeat pill prescription consultation I have EVER had. And me and So pride ourselves on being in and out in 5 minutes. One dr couldnt turn her computer on as quickly as I was finished


From: Jess

But Sir Clyde is ok!!! that's the main thing.


From: Rosie

Sir Clyde is a shit head. As the vase of flowers he savaged all over the floor can confirm. It was the pink roses that did it. They just enraged him.


From: Jess

Laughing!!! I love that pud!


From: Rosie

You wouldn't love him between 4 and 6 in the morning. This is his FAVOURITE time. He runs up and down the corridor, sharpens his claws LOUDLY on the door matt, scrabbles around in his litter tray shredding the newspaper, runs into my room, jumps onto my bed, attacks my feet, runs under the bed and bangs the dangling hairdryer against the wall, runs back down the corridor.... He is a maniac.

Matt kept saying to him after the vet yesterday: "We're alright now aren't we buddy? Aren't we? Clyde? Yeah, we're alright." Because Matt was the one who ripped off his leg bandages taking A LOT of fur with it, caged him and held him why he had a thermometer stuck up his butt. Clyde. Not matt.

BBQ

From: Andy
To: Rosie

Dude,

Are you and Lady M going to Mark's BBQ tomorrow? Its going to be the social event of the year. I am going to wear a tux


From: Rosie

Yep.

Got an email from Mark with directions (yikes), orders to bring sausages and a beach towel and money to pay for the shopping bill. It is a very demanding BBQ but, as Essexs finest are going to be there, fair deal. If you cancel, me and M we are going to duff you up. And big guns or no, me and the lady fight dirty.


From: Andy

A beach towel and sausages!! Wow he must not like you. I just had to bring a beach towel!! Me and the Italian stallion are definately there as we couldn't handle the Slovakian death stare. We are meeting at Barking station at 3.00 tomorrow. Is it easier for you to meet us at the station or at Marks?


From: Rosie

Definitely meeting you two at the station is easiest. 3 is well early though innit? Desperate for Mark's sausage ay. I getcha.
He also said we had to turn up naked but, if I have learnt anything from films, you cannot give in to all demands or negotiate with terrorists.


From: Andy

Ok then lets say meet at Barking station at 3.30. Its earlier because:
a) We are not normally allowed out in the daylight at work
b) We are all alcoholics

We are saving Marks sausage for you.


From: Rosie

Ok cool. I will beat the drums on the hilltop at midnight tonight to inform the Slovakian.
Also? Niiiice.

what happens when you fall over

Me: How is your leg?

Jess: My leg gross looking, black right down to toes!!

Me: Eurgh. Shelving the miniskirts for the summer then?

Jess: Don't worry, I'll still wear my minis hon!

Me: Black is slimming anyway.

Jess: HA! I'm having to do dances in the office to help un stiffen my leg. Ally just watched my gyrating gut and wobbly arse and said: 'Why don't we go clubbing anymore?'

no picturrrrres

From: Rosie
To: Jessica; Sadie; Sophie
Subject: FRIDAY

Hi you two! Sorry, took yesterday off as well. Work were really generous and let me.

Had a lovely day. Except, you know, for my mum being a cripple. She is pretty much like someone paralysed from the neck down except occasionally she can move. I know that sounds like a contradiction but you would agree if you saw how she lies in bed. Anyway, you know what mum is like. Bad ass. So all alright really. She can move about a bit more. Believe she went to the bottom of the stairs yesterday. I don't know why. Possibly to say hello to Boris who is too chickenshit to come upstairs. Obviously still haunted by the bath tub.

So Wednesday was nice. Babysat for Will and Eve Tuesday evening and just stayed round ma and pa's. One of those moments where you realise, duh, will just stay here since helping Dad tomorrow. Toby was out so went and nicked his boxers to wear in bed and a t shirt. Lulu almost threw up. Especially when I showed her the boxers. There were more holes in them than a colinder. Was a nice day though. Went to the park with the children and Dad. Sat in the sun. Dad had bought tea.

The next day both me and Sophie went over to help Mum and Dad out. Then me, So and Lol had a nice Italian lunch for Sophie's birthday.

Also, I think Sophie like the camera we bought her. Evidenced by the 1459 PHOTOS ALREADY TAKEN AND I AM NOT JOKING. Clyde now sees blue spots and flashes. Also, Matt cooked a, frankly, DELICIOUS dinner last night. AND bought a birthday cake. He bought all the dinner ingredients, cake, candles and flowers in Asda and the checkout woman said something like: "o, is it for a birthdayyyy???? ER DUH. Then she commented on his candles - a 2 and a 5 and said, o, so she is 25 today then? Matt - I wish I had said, er, no, 52. I wish that too.

Anyway, back at work now and I am not even kidding about the tenant FURORE I have come back to. And it is our fault. Apparently there was a fire evacuation on Wednesday because of a toaster. An ILLEGAL toaster. A CONTRABAND toaster. This has caused enmass emails regarding fire evacuation safety. We aren't even talking about the toaster anymore (and believe me, they were). I was all, blimey. It's only a toaster. But to them, it reallyyyy wasn't.