cats

Jess: Anyone in?

Me: Sadly, yes

Jess: Me too..... And I've got work to do!!! Outfuckingrageous.

Me: Who asked Santa for a fat man on a sun lounger?
Jess: FD!!!! Dude! I love his paw hanging out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Huntin'...You're doing it wrong!

Jess: OH ffd! LOVE IT!!!!

Sadie: Laughing!

Me: Um. I have nothing to say about this one other than our cat sometimes does a really good impression of a shot elephant. See, he collapses in his basket after a hard day with his bitches. And then the warmth of being in front of the radiator gets too much so he staggers out of his bed and manages to make it about 2 foot and then his head hits the floor with such a thud and he sleeps there for a bit. I wish I was quick enough to film the absolute thud when he hits the ground. I'm like dad, every single time I ask Matt who shot his cat.
Jess: Oh SO laughing!!!!!!!! That is SO good!!!! He's like...well...DEAD.....

Me: I'm all, Clyde, you gotta stop hitting your head so hard mate. It's not like you can afford to lose the brain cells.
I played with him for AGES last night in the lounge. And then I was all, WHY AM I CHASING THE BALLS AND MICE AND YOU ARE JUST BATTING THEM WITH YOUR PAW FROM YOUR BASKET????!!!! Exercising the cat. FAIL

Jess: Laughing......... I left a tap running in the bathroom sink.......sink filled up........overflowed.......kitchen ceiling did MARVELLOUS impression of Niagara Falls...Izzy sat on edge of couch whole time this was happening(about 20 minutes of running water) and just looked at me, then back at the torrent of water...her look said.......washing the kitchen floor? FAILLLLL!

Me: OH MY GOD! Jess! That's badddd man!!! Clyde was waking me up this morning at 5 AS USUAL. He does this really sweet snuggle thing so you sleepily pat him on the head and then he BITES YOU SO HARD so you put all extremities under the covers so the only thing he can do is stick his HUGE face in yours and start nuzzling that so you think it is safe to pat him again and then he BITES YOU SO HARD and, all in all, it is a really terrible way to start your day.

Sadie: Laughing at emails. I have no cats to make me laugh. Just dead flying ants behind the fridge, dead slugs under the bath and probably dead mice under the floorboards.

Jess: Eeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Me: Sadie. Dude. Pets.... FAIL

Sadie: Really really laughing!

Jess: Funny!!!! And dear God...Izzy's breath could sterilize nations.

Me: DUDE!!! That's baddddd! I don't think I could cope with Clyde having bad breath as well as being a poo head! Although I stroked him the other night and a slug stuck to my hand and that made me retch all over the shop so . . I dunno. 6 of one and whatnot.

Jess: Laughing!!!! I give her all the dentibit shit but I swear she's licking SOMEONE'S ass! I couldn't sleep last night..still watching the clock at 3 fu**ing AM! I get up at half 5..but NONE of this was helped by the fact that MY cat could tell I wasn't asleep and kept me even MORE awake with constantly sitting inches away from my nose, purring and wanting attention..........needless to say I had a cappuccino on my way to work...then you realise that half of freakin London is on hols!!!!!

Me: 2 hours sleep and I would be mainlining espresso, no poncey cappucino!!
Izzy sounds sweet! And at least you can be all, hey, lets snuggle at a better time. With Clyde, you take what you can get.

Jess: Dude, Ally bringing me another coffee on her way in.......
She is sweet, she's started a new thing........I'm fast asleep, she mewls to wake me up. I resolutely ignore her and scrunch my eyelids up even tighter.so......she pats my nose with her paw.......I'm lost....I have to laugh and give it up and cuddle her.....
I love Clyde, he is a freakin comedien!

Me: No, see, that is cute. That is how Clyde would begin and the next thing you know your missing a nostril

Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really laughing at that!!!!

Me: He makes me look like a self harmer

Jess: Snarf!

Me: Lookin' like a lion..That's not bad actually

Jess: Oh God he's like a lovely cute furry fluffy black ball...............only YOU know the real truth.

Me: If he wasn't such a clumsy fu*k he'd make a good ninja

Jess: Oh dude!!! FUNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Sadie: I keep snorting. People giving me funny looks.

doughnuts anonymous

S: Look what I have bought!!

Me: . . . doughnuts?

S: YES!

Me: You know that you have a serious doughnut problem don't you?

S: What? Why?

Me: People just don't EAT as many doughnuts as you

S: I don't eat that many!!

Me: Right. Whatever

S: I haven't had a doughnut for ages!

Me: Er.... like . . since MONDAY

S: But that's not many!

Me: If someone asked me how many doughnuts an average person eats in a year I'd say about . . . four.

S: NO WHATEVER

Me: I'd even say 10, maximum. You beat that in a month.

S: WHATEVERRRRRRRRRR

Me: Anyway. I'm off for the afternoon. You can have mine

S: BRILLIANT

shrimppppp

Me: God. I might have to talk to the crazy cleaner whilst you're on Christmas holiday.

Hot Australian Electrician: What's wrong with talking to him anyway?

Me: He's crazy? Plus, there is a definite language barrier and he doesn't know what I am talking about

HAE: That's just because your English is terrible. No one can understand you

Me: That is rude. And blasphemous.

HAE: BlASPHEMOUS??

Me: Whatever. SHRIMP ON THE BAH-BIEEEE

HAE: We don't actually call them shrimp . . we call them ..

Me: PRAWNNNNNNNNNNNS. Ye, I know. S is always telling me that. But, WHATEVER. He comes over here and starts callin me Guv'nor and I start talking about shrimp on the barbie. That's how it works. He has got his English from Dickens and mine is from Dumb and Dumber.

HAE: That's what you and S do all day?

Me: Well. Not ALL day. But we can keep it up for a while. I've seen Home and Away. I'm pretty good at it. Sheilaaaaaa and whatnot.

HAE: HA. That one is fair enough. Although it isn't . . . mainstream Oz. Not what the classy people like me say.

Me: What do you say? I can add it to my repetoir

HAE: Bird. As in... look at the hot bird over there

Me: So . . . teaching me English words then?

HAE: Should I go give this one to S?

Me: Yes. You flamin G'LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

taster

Matt: I never thought I would say this, but, Beyonce on the X-Factor on Saturday night was excellent

Me: IF I WERRRRRRRRRRRE A BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY . . . That was just a taster

Sophie: Of what? HELL?

Matt: Oh. That was MEAN!

Me: Yeah. Thanks.

Matt: I mean, I thought the same but still. You didn't have to say it aloud.

how you know whether it was a good night

“M8 police turned up at 3 and started pulling the power out, downstairs was mental. my trowers got set on fire and everything i cant remember shit. Anyway yeah let me have a think about tonite i got no money left."

Trousers on fire? Check
Police? Check

Yes.

brilliant

This weekend included the perfect amount of friends, family and napping. On Friday, my pals Jenna and Ruth came over. Friends and wine are always going to be a good evening in my book. However, we are obviously getting on a bit because at 11 Ruth fell asleep (again). Luckily me and Jenna are made of sterner stuff.

On Saturday I met another pal, Corinne, in Enfield. Brilliant time wandering the shops picking up little presents and christmas cards. TALKING OF Christmas cards . . . we sent ours on Thursday. I wrote one for my parents and asked Sophie to sign it, before she went out drinking for the evening. Somehow she managed to start signing it from me. THEN, when she got home, I asked her to sign another card. This time she simply spelt her name wrong. At least that time I can blame the cocktails. In between her signing 2 different cards wrong, me and Matt ate a fuckload of chips.
After Enfield, I drove the car to the carshop to get them to fix my radio. The car has always had a dodgy gearbox but it was being spectacularly bad on the way there. Already I was nervous about parallel parking outside a garage. It did not help that the car sounded on the brink of the edge of stalling. No.

On Sunday we went over to our parents for dinner. It was delicious. As always. And the cake was Brilliant. My favourite moments were:
Mum telling us about Lulu's friend, Callum, staying over. Apparently Lulu went into Mums room at 11pm to tell her. Mum had fallen asleep and dad had carried on watching tv. When she went in, she turned the tv off and woke mum. Before apologising for waking her up OR getting to the point of why she was there, she pointed to dad slumped over mum with his wine glass in one hand and the tv remote in the other and said: WHAT is THAT? And thenshe told mum that Callum was going to stay over. In the morning, ma and pa were painting the hallway when they heard: For GOD SAKE come ON. And Lulu marched Callum down the stairs, passed them, and out the front door. Then she turned to mum and dad and said: I am SO tired, I'm going back to bed. Ok! Right then!! But apparently she also said: GOD MOTHER. I did NOT sleep with him. He is SO UGLY. Ma was all, I didn't even get the chance to tell her about the birds and the bees. Me: Mother, you have been yelling at her "no glove no love" since she was about 12. I think she's got it now.

I also laughed when Jamie/Dad did the most mingingest fart EVER and Lulu went off on a rant about how she had only showered THAT MORNING and she had WASHED HER HAIR. GODDDDDD.

le idiot

There is a box in my room. It contains things like wrapping paper, tissue paper, spare birthday cards and different coloured pens. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards. I put the box on my bed and sat next to it. Clyde immediately uncurled himself from where he was lying and tried to get into it. The box? It is not so big. Clydes arse? Massive.

yes!

Coming home from a night out and finding this stuck to the toilet mirror warms the cockles.
Coming home from a night out and finding a hot water bottle in your bed warms your cockles AND your feet.

The victorian era

Sometimes some things in life are just too big to deal with. That just the thought of having to deal with them makes you think, God, I'm staying at work another 15 minutes just so I can avoid dealing with them. However, I just read this and it made me laugh so . .

On November 30th, there were definite toilet problems in our house. As in, it was taking ages for stuff to flush and for the water to go down. This was an unfortunate thing to find out at midnight on a Sunday. On Monday, we should have called our landlady and asked for a plumber. Instead, we let things get progressively worse until, on the following Saturday, a literal shit storm occurred. Luckily it was my uncles 50th birthday and so we had anothers facilities to use for the evening. Which, being classy peeps, we told him. Or, at least, I did. It was definitely, DEFINITELY, time to call the landlady and arrange a plumber.

You would think that that would be the end of the story and I am sure, for most people, they call a plumber and shit (literally, remember) would get sorted. But. NO. In fact, I would say, we went BACKWARDS. Somehow (THAMES WATER CONTRACTORS COCKSUCKERS) we ended up with a call out charge of £65 with NOTHING BEING DONE because we weren't at the house. We were at work. Where a large proportion of people are on a Monday afternoon.

All I wanted to do on Monday was come home, find the toilet sorted and watch the last episode of Spooks. But did this happen? NO. I mean, I managed to watch Spooks but only because Matthew cannily convinced us to get Sky wherein live TV can be paused. And pause Spooks I did. I paused it to answer numerous calls from our landlady which varied from: "I mean, what the fuck?" and "This never happened when *I* was living there" and "Could you go and knock on the neighbours doors and ask if they are also experiencing any problems." So that is how I found myself standing shivering my bollocks off knocking on neighbours doors and asking them about toilet troubles at 10pm. Spooks is confusing enough at the best of times. Pausing it every 5 minutes meant that I was forgetting plot lines from an hour beforehand and I was all, OH JESUS SAVE LONDON FROM THE CRAZY RUSSIANS ALREADY I NEED A BOUNTY AND BED.

The best part of Monday night was picking ticks off of the cat and that is an experience neither me, Sophie or Clyde would like to remember.

it's just tuna pasta man

Lulu stayed over on Friday night. We drove to Morissons to buy Mama Mia and it had SOLD OUT. This was very Disappointing so, to make sure, I asked the cashier if they would have any copies anywhere else. Perhaps we had missed the huge Mama Mia DVD display or something. I asked her this question confidentially because, come on, the whole store does not need to know that you are sitting at home on a Friday night and watching Mama Mia. I mean, at least sit at home and watch something cool. But this is how me and Lulu roll. We love us some crap films (Charlies Angels COME ON). The checkout lady was not as quiet as me and Lulu and, in fact, shouted across the store at another assistant who shouted back to HER about it who then shouted over to the customer service desk. Lulu was all LORDY and quietly: "Yep, that's right, nothing to see here, we're just buying, you know, Die Hard or .. um . . something cool."

So. We ended up watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. The Louise Rennison books of this are BRILLIANT and HILARIOUS and the film was . . . beyond the valley of cringe into the valley of hiding behind the sofa. Luckily, me and Lulu are easily amused so whatevs. She actually had come over so I could also help her with her homework. We managed to discuss homework for half hour whilst I cooked dinner. Then, for some reason, it amused Lulu that we ate tuna pasta and facebook stalked hotties. I am sure she kept saying something like: Just sitting here, eating ma fish pasta and lookin at sexeh photos. Yessir, nothing to see here, just looking at sexeh photos and eatinnnn our lurvelyyyy tunaaaa pasta." Tres amusing.

oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree

This weekend, we bought a Christmas tree. Matt was VERY particular about the decorations. He can be a right pain when it comes to colour schemes and decorations etc.

Lights

Tinsel

Baubles



Presents

Luckily the tree didn't hold Clyde's attention for too long. I assume this is because it was neither made of food nor worms

This makes me want to go home immediately and put my slippers on and have a glass of wine

How can I resist ya?

Me: What time is your Christmas party on Friday and when do you think you will be home?

Sophie: I have no idea when we will be home, why? It starts in the afternoon

Me: Lulu is staying over. I said that you would be at your Christmas party so I'll do some homework with her and then watch a crappy film. Can't remember what time you were home last year but don't think it was so late.

Sophie: Oh yeah. Forgot. I text her and said it should be fine. Yeah, shouldn't be too late because people start drinking at 1/2pm and I make sure I leave before they start passing out in the loos and being rushed to casualty for shattering a shot glass into their hand.

Me: She'll stay over if you come back late or not :) We are planning to watch Mama Mia!

Sophie: Well now I know there is homework and Matt knows there is Mama Mia expect us back Saturday!

she proper is

Lulu: What are you doing?

Me: Working. You?

Lulu: College. I am going to stay round on Friday night. Is this ok?

Me: Sounds good. Sophie and Matt are at their Christmas party. They never get home late but we can have dinner and watch ... MAMA MIA!!!

Lulu: :o You got it! Cool! Yeah, let's watch it. I forgot how funny it is! Colin Firths booty wiggle!!

Me: Will buy it today! OOOO Exciting!!! Maybe I'll come over and pick the car up on Friday and we can drive home together. I dunno. I haven't thought it through. Will get the red wine in though and think about what to have for dinner.

Lulu: O skeen that soundz megaz bruvz!

Me: Putting a 'Z' on the end of your words doesn't make you cool you know

Lulu: I thinkz itz doesz

Me: I think you are flippin mental

Lulu: Whateverz. It's nearly xobs

Me: Xobs isn't even a word. Idiot.

Lulu: Christmas

Me: Yeah. I worked it out. You're still silly though.

Oh dear

Dad: What is going on with that cat??
Me: It's very similar to what happens if we leave Matt home alone for too long

Oh dear Oh dear

Jess: OH OH OH EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sophie: I wouldn't mind but he has those lice things on him and that was a clean bra.
Sade, I only noticed you said hello on messenger hours later - didn't even know I was on it! I didn't know you went on that!

Me: Nah. He's clean. I picked them off. Matt: Haven't you emasculated him enough?

Sophie: Rosie: Clyde has these white lumps...
Me: ...
Rosie: I think they are alive. Come and have a look at these may be alive white lumps
Me (pretending I can't hear)
Rosie and Matt: *debating/picking* possibly living lumps
Me: Positively not getting involved
Matt: (Bringing them into the living room because I didn't get up to look at them & presenting things with lots of fur attached) LOOK
Me: OH MY GOD! Did you just drop one on the floor? OH MY GOD!

Sadie: Oh god laughing out loud!!!!!!!

Jess: Oh god lice not much fun...........
Honestly, boys are just universally filthy fu**s, be they man or beast. Srsly I'm still bit shocked at ' I picked them off' Jeeeeez!

Sadie: Um, lice? Nice. Clyde/Claudia looked so sweet. Only my second time on it, its webcam set up next!

Jess: Yes after 565 years Sadie actually managed to get with the program and set up her IM.... you wait, she'll sort her webcam out soon............. *sarcastic raise of eyebrow*

Me: He only looked sweet because he was half asleep. Otherwise he would have taken my hand off.
Sophie has some kind of webcam thing on her computer. OMG it takes the UGLIEST pictures EVER. Totally the cameras fault and not the fact we were all gurning at it.

Sophie: The other day I found the video camera function that is inbuilt in my laptop. Makeupless and spotty it was just really depressing. Then I showed Ro and it is just so awful and ugly that it is quite engrossing.

Jess: FD!!! Yes, webcams are ONLY for the reeeely pretty.

Me: Nah, there are markets for everything :)

Jess: God *unfortunately imagining*

Sophie: I think it was the harsh lighting...

Me: Yeah. Candlelight is TERRIBLE. Fact

Sadie: Harsh lighting and bad angles. It happens to me ALL the time.

Jess: FD! Your *mother* text me..... we could make some spending money by selling ourselves on a street corner and giving the men a sandwich...and i don't mean egg mayonnaise.... I'm still * O *

Sophie: Does not surprise me.

Sadie: Oh. My. God.

Jess: DISGUSTING

Sophie: Corr I could eat an egg mayo sarnie now though

Jess: Me too!

Sophie: He'd have to be a big fella to cope with being sandwiched between you lot and i'm not necessarily talking in the trouser dept. Have I gone a step too far?

GAK

Me: Do your cats ever get these weird tiny egg looking things attached to them? I was picking them off Clyde last night. It was DISGUSTING but possibly less disgusting than hundreds of spiders (or whatever) hatching all over my bed.

Cor: Were they all barbed or hairy and difficult to get off? Cos thats ususally seeds or grass seeds. so nothing too gross. unless they weren't hairy in which case i have no idea, probably dirty disgusting mankyness. eurgh. eggs. that makes my skin crawl.

Me:No, that's the problem. I pull enough barbed etc crap off him to know these didn't look plant based . . . they looked like smoothy smooth little eggs. And they made a popping sound when I picked them off ... *retch*

Cor:Dude. That popping comment is going to stay with me. I nearly just threw up my biscuit. If you only ever do one more thing for me in this life- never mention anything like that to me ever ever again

Me: The sentence "nearly just threw up my biscuit" has given me the proper giggles. Also, you think it will stay with YOU? I keep reliving it!!! The feel, the sound . . *GAK*
Seriously. Cats are disgusting.

Lisa: Your cats got ticks!

Me: Do you think that is what they were? When I held one up to the light, it was definitely looked like a tick. But it was white. I thought they were black? And also, I just picked it off with my nails. Is that right? God. Bloody cat.

Lisa:The ones I saw were white because I kept it to take to the vet, You can just pull them off with your nails but the vet advised me not to do that because you can leave their legs behind which can get infected! Althoug the vet may just have been trying to get money out of me!!!

Me:GROSS. I really did NOT want to pick it off with my nails because . . GROSS. But it seemed preferable to eggs hatching. Think I might buy some tweezers to use ... I wasn't sure whether to pull them off myself because I have heard they leave stuff behind but I also think the risk is pretty low. My friends mum is one of those people that knows all about stuff like that and lives in the country and I've seen her pull ticks off with her hands too. BLAH. I am swapping Clyde with baby Pearl.

Lisa:She's got ticks too!!!!!

Me: Eurgh. Then you can just have them both!!

love egg?

There was a serious countdown going on last week until Friday. Friday was the day that me and Sophie were on leave and where us two and mum and Lulu were going to Brent Cross. I was receiving countdown texts from Lulu and it is fair to say we were pretty excited.

On Thursday I was all YAY ONE MORE DAY TO GO and prepared to take it easy. Unfortunately I was clearly too cocky as I was given something to do which had to be done by 5.30. I was very stressed. It turns out that people had forgotten I was on leave and thought I had 2 days. When I just had 1. I was getting majorly stressed just printing addresses onto labels. OMG. I may have mentioned this before but. Someone once asked me HOW I lived with my sister because they CERTAINLY could not. I mean, have we had any arguments at all yet? And the answer is no. There is definite bickering but, when it comes down to it, me and Soph both like an easy life in front of Eastenders with a hot chocolate and a bowl of pasta. Plus. I got home on Thursday evening after what was supposed to be a chilled out day before our long awaited day off in a TERRIBLE mood and Sophie and Matt handed me a glass of wine, a bowl of pasta and a tub of Ben & Jerrys. This living together lark seems to be going well.

Friday was Brilliant. We got to the bus stop to get the bus to mums and the bus was just pulling away. So excited was I to get shopping that I chased it. Sophie was all OMG IT ISN'T EVEN NEAR THE STOP!! And I did miss it but whatevs.
First stop was food, then shopping, then cake, then shopping, then coffee. We are Experienced.
I bought a new black bra and a new black top. Perfect. One of my favourite moments was:
In the queue in John Lewis
Mum: *Pointing* That jumper is lovely
Me: *Going over and picking it up* It's Cashmere. Feels a bit itchy actually. Itchy as a bitch on a Saturday night.
Mum: ROSIE!!!
Lulu: *Slaps my arse* Cor! My hand bounced right off that!!
Mum: LULU!!!
Sophie: *Hands mum some red ribbon* Can you get this for me please? It is for my pomanders
Mum: LOVE EGGS?
Me and Lulu: JESUS CHRIST MOTHER *walking away* GOSH. SO RUDE.

Writing that now . . . I can't remember why she said love eggs. It was something to do with ball shaped or something. I don't know. Her mind is a dangerous place.

And then we had fish and chips for dinner which was the perfect end to a perfect day.

Me and Sophie are pretty sorted for Christmas. All our presents are wrapped and I am looking forward to getting a tree on Sunday to put them under. Clyde is going to have an absolute FIELD DAY when that goes up.

On Saturday I got my hair cut. Instead of it being longish and blondish I went for shortish and darkish. Y'know, for Winter. The hairdresser was very reluctant to cut so much hair of but whatever man. It grows back. Then I went and stayed at my friend Sophie's boyfriends house. I hate stuff like that. Staying at people I don't knows houses and whatnot. But he was lovely and I had a double bed and my own bathroom. Which was FANTASTIC. Me and Sophie got dressed up. Her in the shortest dress I have ever seen. She balanced it out with black tights and the biggest pants I have ever seen. She was all, I have to wear them because it balances out the dress. I was all, well Gosh. Don't bend too much because people will see them. Then we went out and drank a boatload of cocktails. Good times.

When I got home on Sunday, Ruth took me shopping in Enfield. She was looking for something to wear to her Christmas party but it was all pretty bla. When I got home, Matt cooked a delicious roast dinner. It was Superb. Even when he improvised by making his Yorkshire puddings in a loaf tin. Matt has been promising to cook me and Sophie a roast dinner for at least 6 months now but I have to say. It was worth the wait. Good job!

All in all, it was an excellent weekend!

what I have to put up with

Sophie: Matt- are you going to do some homework tonight?

Matt: I have brought one booklet to work with me, so I'll flick through it at lunchtime, then I have to read a chapter in my book at home. Already started the actual work but it's going slowly. Think Friday and Saturday might be the days for some Severe typing.

Sophie: I thought Saturday you were doing some severe D I Y at your Marge's?

Matt: Friday...it's only if Dominic does what he says he will... for which I'm doubtful!

Me: How comes you can be a complete Nazi with me but not make your brother pull his socks up with a firm hand? It's a mystery.

Matt: When am I ever a complete Nazi with you?

Me: "BLA BLA BLA STOP SINGINGGGGGGGGGGGGG"

Matt: Ha ha ha... that's not being a Nazi that's just trying to protect Clyde and Sophie's hearing. Plus I think I only said your singing was not up to standard with the Cheeky Girls. And, one final point, ...you never stop singing!!!

Me: Yes. That is because I am not bowing to such oppression. Freedom of speech and whatnot.

Sophie: Ohhhh! FUNNNYYYYY!

importance

Me: Sophieeee. I have really bad period pains. What should I do?

OtherSophie: Heatpad and sex

Me: Right. Not very helpful Soph. I'm at work.

OtherSophie: A Guinness!

Me: Seriously. Are you trying to get me fired?

OtherSophie: Ha. Ok. Just suggest some chocolate then! Last night I went to Chris's for dinner. Didn't get home until 1.30.

Me: Gosh. More exciting than my evening for sure. We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned our little house until it sparkled because the landlady is coming over this morning to look at the damp and MOULD on the walls. Yes. Mould. DISGUSTINGGGGGG. MOULD!! THERE IS MOULD ON THE WALLS!! ARGH! IT IS GOING TO GET INTO MY LUNGS AND I WILL DIE A MOULDY DEATH!! Plus, it makes my clean washing and clothes smell. And no one wants that.

*Later*

Sophie: "Condensation differs from rising and penetrating damp in that it is caused by excessive moisture that cannot escape from a building rather than damp coming in. The first sign that condensation is a problem is when black pinpricks of mould appear on walls, ceilings and even furnishings. There is usually a musty smell present and clothes and shoes in cupboards can become covered in a white or green furry mould. Factors, which contribute to condensation, include not opening windows, drying washing inside or using unvented tumble dryers and inadequate heating, but the biggest cause of condensation is the use of portable calor gas heaters. If the cause of the condensation is not rectified the pin pricks of mould will grow and can eventually cover whole walls and ceilings and ruin clothes and decorations."

Me: 'Drying washing inside.' Basically, we need to do that open window locking thing. Not sure about the kitchen though. She needs to sort that wall out.

Sophie: I think it's a shady area. I.e. we are living normally but that is causing it. It's not our fault that we are living in a usual manner; washing, cooking, breathing moisture into the air. Apparently we are the worst case because we work all day allowing the house to cool and then the mould to spread.
My jumper today STINKS of mould but I can't take it off. I think we have to try and dry our washing outside at the weekends (apart from it is usually pissing down).

Me: So, landlord is liable, but it's a tenant fault. Eg, it is definitely because of you drying washing in your room and there being not enough ventilation, causing excessive condensation.

Sophie: Ok, have taken my jumper off but my dress smells too and I can't take that off!!! GROSS.

Me: Monica just called. She says that she has just finished looking at the mould and it is definitely condensation. 3 of us breathing + wet washing + washing etc etc. We just need to wash the mould off and then lock the windows so they are slightly open when we leave for work to get some ventilation going. Or I guess leaving the bathroom light on WHEN I AM NOT THERE will keep the fan running and help, too.
The damp in the kitchen is not condensation. She thinks it is seeping through from the stairs up to Janet's and is going to get a company in to have a look at it. So, even though she just confirmed what we thought about the mould (it's there because of the wet washing and no open windows) she is glad we pointed out the kitchen problem. She was really nice, said sorry about it all and hopes we can deal with it.

Sophie: Plus, on the website, it suggested a dehumidifier, which we have. Did you tell her that? I'm up for the window thing. I don't know if others can smell me or if it's just making me want to vom and no one else can smell it. Paranoia. Basically we have to open the bathroom window whenever we wash and close the door so that it only escapes out the window, leave the light on, leave the windows open-locked and leave our washing til the weekend when we can hang it outside. I need to wash my wardrobe because mould has seeped in.

Me:Um. I think only you can smell it. Because I HATE that smell and whenever I've asked you if you can smell it on me, you say no. And I've asked M and other people in the pub before because I've been paranoid about it and they have all said no, too. We just need to have a demould spring clean and leave the windows 'open.'

Matt: Are we having spaghetti for dinner tonight?

Sophie: Wow.

Matt: Wow what?

Sophie: Wow we just had 10 emails about mould and you replied about spaghetti.
Do you think Monica liked the house how we have it?

Me: How could she not? The colour scheme is a work of art.

Sophie: She didn't comment? Not even on the state of our curtains?

Me: No. I guess she was more focussed on the mould than the fact you shrunk her curtains in the wash, mine are ripped to shreds by the cat, both of us bent our poles hanging up washing ... I mean, the mould is pretty spectacular

things

I met my ex work colleagues for a drink on Friday night. It was a really good evening. The pub we go to has 3 floors. We normally sit at the floor with the bar. On Friday the pub was absolutely RAMMED. I guess people have started meeting up for Christmas drinks and getting in the festive spirit. We were relegated to the downstairs layer which is where the pool tables are. It is pretty small down there and there were some amusing comments about balls and sticks. And that is because the predictable jokes are the funniest.
When I got to the station to go home, I accidentally stood near a total nutter. He was sitting on the bench and randomly swearing. Not tourettes I don't think but just random swearing. He sidled up and leaned on the wall next to me.
Hi. Shit fuck
Me: Hm. Hi.
Him: I like your shoes. Shit
Me: Thanks...
Him: And I like your dress. FUCK.
Me: Thanks.
Him: This isn't working at all, is it?
Me: Sorry?
Him: I'm not impressing you at all am I? Shit. Fuck.
Me: Um. No.
Then the train came and he got on it. I decided to wait until the next one.

On Saturday Sophie cooked some pasta and garlic bread for lunch. It was yum. The plumber came over. I hid from him. He did a fantastic job but I thought he was really odd. And I couldn't understand a WORD he said. When he called I panicked and gave the phone to Matt. Matt seemed to understand him. He was replying anyhow. When he hung up though he said he had no idea what the plumber had said but he thought he might be coming round to fix the sink.
After he had been, me and Sophie decided to leave Matt to his homework and wander to the shops. Luckily for us there was nothing we wanted to buy so we picked up some potatoes and came home. Garlic kievs for dinner and a glass of wine We were proper garlicking it up round ours. Then we had our usual Saturday night of Strictly and X-Factor and then Sophie and Matt went to bed to watch FBI Files because they are a pair of sadsacks. Them looking almost attractive

On Sunday we decided to support our farmers and so headed to the local farmers market. Sophie: But, it's all so . . dirty. . .
As you can imagine, this came as a real shock to me and Matthew. We bought some chops and sausages anyway and a whole heap of fruit and veg We also sampled a sausage, and Sophie and Matt blended in with the surrounding bumpkins Then we went to Morissons to stock up on some essentials and a festive Poinsettia When we got home, the early morning jaunt meant it was definitely time for a nap
In the evening, we went over to Mum and Dads for dinner. Mum has been cooking up a storm lately and last nights goat cheese and vegetable lasagna was delicious. And the Guinness cake was fantastic. Man. I could eat that now. Had a lovely evening in front of the fire reminiscing about what a maniac Lulu was when she was younger. Good times. Then mum gave us a nice basket to take home as a bed for Clyde because all we have given him is a cardboard box to sleep in. We're mean like that. I think he liked it.

sights

I like the clip clop clip clop of the police horses going past my office window. Soothing.

surrounded by idiots

A whole heap of stuff

I don't like not being . . . ready. If I'm going somewhere or doing something, I like to be prepared. This is why I am not normally too far from items such as eyeliners, deodorant, spare shoes, a hairbrush, a toothbrush (and paste) and a selection of reading material.

Evidence:

This is my work drawer: As you can see, it contains:
Makeup -
Number 7 Tinted Moisturiser
L'Oreal Foundation
Urban Decay Eyeshadow Palette - this is really handy as, if you forget your makeup kit or put your makeup on at work, like me, it has all the shades that match the outfits I wear. Plus a black shadow which is all I need sometimes
Number 7 Eyeliner
Rimmel Black Eyeshadow
Number 7 face Powder
Maybelline SuperStay pink lipstick
Solait Bronzer
Cocoa Butter lip moisturiser
And YES I also carry a double of all this in my bag but should I forget something? Sorted!
I also have a toothbrush, toothpaste and floss. I take mouthcare seriously yo.
Dove Deodorant and Givenchy Gentlemen perfume
Hairbrush, hairbands, hairspray
Pink, red and purple nail varnish. A nail file. Nail varnish remover pads.
Sainsburys Floracology body cream. Soap & Glory Glow lotion. Neutrogena hand cream. Estee Lauder face cream.
Vitamin C and Cranberry tablets (healthy immune system, healthy kidneys).
Tissues, plasters, panadol.
Sunglasses.

This is my second drawer at work: This is where I keep my shoes. 2 pairs of black heels and a flat pair of pumps. I think I have my bases covered. Plus a swim kit and a stack of books. There is sometimes a magazine poking around too.

I like to carry some essentials with me though, too. This is my bag. It is the bag I basically use every day and at the end of the week I try and clean it out as otherwise I can be carting around quite a lot of accumulated junk: It generally always contains:
A hairbrush
My Oyster Card
Door Keys
An umbrella
My diary and pen
A reusable bag of some kind
My work doorpass
My wallet
Some hairbands
Tissues of some kind. These are fancy ones because Matt bought them for me.
Makeup
iPod
Book

And, my God. The makeup I cart round with me is pretty impressive: As you can see, it's Wednesday and the eyeshadows are gradually accumulating. There are 6 pots of Barry M, and the permanently included black Estee Lauder. Also:
Rimmel liquid eyeliner
Estee Lauder Kohl Eyeliner
Number 7 mascara
Ruby and Milly tweezers
Estee Lauder foundation primer
Estee Lauder eyeshadow primer
Estee Lauder concealer
2 Maybelline superstay lipsticks
Cotton buds
Eyeshadow applicators

This is all duplicated in what I have at home, too. It makes me feel a lot calmer knowing I am not so far from a black eyeliner and a book.

car update

Dad: Just seen your engine. In bits.
Me: Oh Christ. I hope that isn't what he wanted the chainsaw for.

delicates

I shall call this: Clyde is fucking lucky Sophie had her contacts in

Balls

On Friday, Clyde did not become a man. Me, Sophie and Matt (well, less Matt) decided that Clyde needed to be neutered. Personally, I think that there are far too many unwanted animals in this world without people like us adding to it. And Lord knows Clyde is keen to go forth and multiply. Heres hoping that his partner on the estate is male otherwise we could be too late. I am not sure how we can deny ownership of any kittens should they be born as I imagine Clyde's genes will be pretty prominent and they'll come out with horns.

Clyde was not allowed any food after his dinner on Thursday evening at 7.30. This is probably not a problem for some cats. For Clyde, we might as well have been torturing him with endless kisses and hugs. To make sure he didn't go and eat slugs, worms, or another cat from the block, we also had to lock the cat flap. Lock and barricade. It was a very ... trying evening.

In the morning, he was pitiful. It was heartbreaking watching him pad after us, curling round our legs, pointedly staring at his bowl, miaowing. All I could think was, IT IS FOR THE BEST, IT IS FOR THE BEST. But I couldn't look at him. He got into his carrier with minimum fuss. He was pretty weak after not eating for SO LONGGGGGG. Luckily his appointment was at 8.30 as there was no way I would be able to deal with him longer. I would have cracked. I would have had to call the vets and cancel his appointment due to pathetic puppy dog eyes and whimpering. And that would have ruined my bad ass image. Ahem.

When we got to the vets, he was seen immediately. I think this is because his crying was making grown men weep. We have been slightly worried about Clydes weight. Worried that he is being fed by the crazies.
Me: Do you think we should put a note on his collar that says, please don't feed me, I have a medical condition?
Sophie: What condition? I'm a fat bastard?
So I asked the vet what she thought. She said that, though he has DOUBLED in size since he was last weighed (like, a week ago) he is at an ok weight for him. But don't let him get any bigger. Seriously, if we let him get any bigger, he would be calling the shots round ours.

When it was time for me to leave him, the vet picked him up. He was so weak from lack of food that he put up no protest. She waved his little paw at me and said, goodbye. I was all, I have got to leave before he is stripped of any more dignity. Clyde does not WAVE GOODBYE. His terms of affection are a little nibble on your elbow skin. THAT is how he shows HIS love.

I got the bus home. I walked down the drive. There was no little bell ringing as he streaked past and into the house for food. There was no miaowwwww miaowwwwww miaowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. It was all very sad. I did the cleaning. Some washing. Had a nap. In barely any time I received a call from the vet saying all was well. That the operation had gone well, that Clyde had come round and had eaten some food quicker than most dogs. She said, he is clearly a very . . robust cat. If there was a prize going out for euphemisms, that vet would have been raking them in.

I went and picked him up. When he saw me he started purring. I gave him a hug. Put him in his carrier and took him home. The vet told me to feed him small amounts as soon as I got in. When I gave him a 10th of a Whiskers packet, he nearly took my eye out. I was also told to keep him inside until the following afternoon. I think Matt kicked him out around 7am on Saturday. I was all, still sedated and drowsy my arse.

It is safe to say he is fully recovered and is no less a cat than he was before. And is LOVING his freedom. No more cat flap curfew. Clyde is free to roam all night. Although, he is always back in time for his breakfast at 5am.

sleepin, you're doin it well!!!

Today, Sophie and Matt went to Stevenage to have lunch with Matt's sister. Mainly, I napped. In our house, we are pro-nappers.

My car

I won't lie. I do miss it. It is broken.

Here is it in action: It died about 3 days later. Maybe it was the 200 wine glasses that did it.

There is a broken gasket and oil is mixing with water. Apparently, because this is a labour intensive repair job, it will cost around £500 to fix. Because the car is not even worth that much, me and my dad decided not to get it sorted. For the last 5 months it has been sitting pitifully on my parents drive.

UNTIL

My dad struck up a conversation with a neighbour. This guy had a broken car jacked up on his driveway for ages. Mum used to point out to us the plants growing out of it. And then, he managed to fix it. And then his wife took it out about a day later and smashed it up again. Whoops. Anyway. This guy has offered to repair my car. Dad made a deal with him. Under £200 or the car is yours.

I asked my dad what this guy was like. He said:" I like him. He's an animal." I don't know what is worse. That my dad has entrusted my car to this fella or that this is a quality my dad likes in a man. Also, dad has lent this guy his chainsaw. He thinks this will reduce the cost of the repair work.

Texting my dad -
Dad: Car is with neighbour
Me:YAY! How long do you think it will take him to fix it?
Dad: Don't know how long, the man is a nutter. He might blow car up and nick my chainsaw for all I know.

Sophie: Ro, when he has repaired it, I would take it on small journeys first. Like, not down the motorway straight away. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: *.........*

But I am looking forward to getting it back. I LOVE driving.

I think I know who did it . . .

and it weren't the Colonel

Unsuspecting

To: Sophie, Matt
From: Me

Hey Kiddies,

Matt, cover your eyes.

I have booked Clyde in for THE CHOP tomorrow. I phoned the vet and tomorrow is the earliest they have which means we can unlock the catflap at night! Yes! Plus I figure we can watch him at the weekend to make sure he is ok.

This means. He can have his dinner this evening but as soon as he is finished all food needs to be taken away and the catflap locked. His water can stay down until the morning when that too needs to be removed.

He needs to be at the vets at 8.30. Generally you can get your cat back mid-afternoon but it depends how they react to the anesthetic.

The operation costs £55 in total.

However. The nurse suggests that, whilst he is anesthetised, we get him microchipped. This costs £26.54
Pros:
People will know he belongs to us if found (council, police, vets, pounds)
It won't hurt him because he'll be under anesthetic.
If you get it done during the ball operation, it is cheaper

Cons:
People will know he belongs to us
I could spend my microchip money (£9) on beer

I have the whole day off tomorrow. Sorry if either of you wanted to be there. If so, emergency leave? If you really do want to be there I can rearrange?

P.s. If you say 'spading' instead of 'neutering' you will be very confused when they ask if your cat has been in season yet.


From: Sophie

Hello, oh good. Well done for booking Clyde. And sorting out Monica's rent. Matt did you transfer her money yet?

Can't believe you said spade hahaha. I want tomorrow off but don't think it's wise. Shame you dont have the car!


From: Rosie

Well. Maybe you could tell them you need emergency leave???

Shame about car but can just get the bus with you and Matt in the morning.

So, did you want the microchipping? I said yes to the nurse but we can change our mind.

P.s. No. I cannot believe I said spade either. I can do a funny interpretation of me on the phone though. Highlight was when I nearly called it 'the ball operation'


From: Matt

I wouldn't worry, when I picked up my cat from the vet after having his bollocks chopped off, I said "I'm here to pick up my cat, you've just taken his balls." She gave me a weird look.
Not sure if I can get tomorrow off but I don't think I want to be there anyway. He's gonna be a shell of a cat tomorrow I imagine.

I have not transferred the money yet as I'm very very busy but will drop everything to do it now.

I'm hungry


From: Me

HAHA!!!

Also, when she said, 'you need to starve your cat for 12 hours' I said: oh LORDYYYYYYYYYY.

Don't worry Matt, I think he'll be ok. Maybe he might even become normal!

Monica (obviously) hadn't noticed the rent money deficit yet so no worries. Sometime today is fine.

I am also hungry. Just ate a DairyLea triangle. I have a couple left if you want?


From: Sophie

Funny Hawk. I was going to ask - what does the microchip say on it?

I'll let you handle it on your own tomorrow if that's ok?


From: Matt

Quick update -

Money has been transferred and standing order corrected.

And how is clyde going to be ok????

HE'S LOSING HIS FUCKING BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not normal thing to do.


From: Me

FUNNY!!!! Loads of men don't have balls so don't worry. He'll fit in.

Good stuff on the Monica money. Well done.

Sophie - I'm fine taking him on my own tomorrow. I'll just be dropping him off anyways. And when I pick him him, I doubt I'll be his favourite person. And the microchip has name, address and number. Also, it is free to call and have numbers etc changed. No odds to them, they just change the details on the computer.


From: Sophie

Matt, if it's any consolation I imagine Clyde has already spread his wild seed numerous times and there are possibly (but Dear God hopefully not) some mini Clyde's on the way out there to the poor unsuspecting owner(s) of lady cat(s).


From: Me

We'll deny all knowledge.

What I saw on the train

I get to the station and wait for my train. It pulls in and the doors open. A group of hot lads jump off and strip on the platform, throwing their discarded items back onto the train. Before the doors close they all manage to leap back on. People on the train are looking startled but no one says anything. A few older men look disgusted. A few older women try and get in sneaky glimpses. Others stare, some try and take a surreptitious photo. All in all, the reactions of the people on the train was entirely British. There were no catcalls, no comments. The platform attendant ignored it, but pointedly said: "This train is ready to leave. Stand clear of the closing doors.'

So. If you are wondering what would happen if you stripped on a station platform, leapt on a train and redressed, the answer is, not a lot.

Later on that evening, the train driver said: "There are beggars operating on the train. Please do not give them any money as, truth be told, they probably have more than us."
At the next station 2 women got off the tube, babies strapped to them, and went to throw their empty Coke cans at the drivers compartment. A man on the platform said: "I wouldn't do that. People on the train are watching you and those that would maybe give you money next time will definitely not." They walked off.

I was just thinking, if I had to beg, I think I could cope without needing to spend money on Coke. Branded Coke at that.

Actually, it was a pretty tame journey considering there was a big Arsenal match on.

Happy Birthday Jamie

Today is my brothers 22nd birthday. On Saturday night, mum invited some people over for drinks and food and told me and Sophie to make him a cake. We decided to make him a banana cake because we knew it was one of his favourites. Also, it seemed pretty simple. And the Nigella recipe we chose said: This is a very Forgiving recipe. Which me and Sophie are plenty glad for. Making the cake did not start well as we had forgotten to buy any eggs and I had to run out in the rain wearing the most eclectic outfit ever, plus the night befores eye make-up. Luckily the general populace of our local area is crazy and so to go out the house looking mental is just a case of blending in.

Then came the task of weighing out our ingredients. We didn't realise we owned weighing scales until we had worked out how much sugar we needed through math (what is 175+175? 250?), marking out rough halves and quarters and badgers. Then we remember (I remembered) that we had been amazingly proficient in our first IKEA shop and had purchased some scales. I guess it was a sixth sense that knew, 5 months down the line, we would make a banana cake.

Nigella said, put your butter and sugar in a bowl and let the mixer machine do the rest. Well. We did not have a machine that worked without someone holding it and were using a large fruit bowl. This meant that butter and sugar were being flicked all over the shop. Including into Sophie's tea. Which she weren't too happy about. Sophie then tried melting the butter a bit by putting the bowl into hot water. Obviously doing this our way simply meant plunging the bowl into the frothy washing up water. It didn't really work.

Next came blending in the eggs. Something disgusting fell out one of the eggs and I had to interrupt the creaming and blending to dry heave into the sink.

Sophie: The recipe says mash the bananas *slices the bananas and thwacks with the back of the knife* MASHED

Then we had to decide which tin to cook our cake in. Banana cake is typically a loaf and we had bread tins but we didn't want to make him a banana loaf, we wanted to make him a cake. We also had a huge roasting tin. This was too big. So. We did what anyone normal would do and put the loaf tin at the end of the roasting tin and covered it all in grease proof paper. Sophie made me butter the grease proof paper. I was all, why are we buttering grease proof paper? And she said, THIS IS WHAT THE RECIPE SAYS. But when I read the recipe afterwards it said grease the tin and put the paper on top. This was one of many things that could have affected our cake which didn't. It really was a very forgiving recipe.

After we poured our batter in the makeshift cake tin and put it in the oven, Sophie left to go to the Opticians. This made me very nervous as I had to watch the cake. But. After 75 minutes, it was done. I made Matt check it was done as well. It was definitely done.

When Sophie came home, and the cake had cooled, we removed it from the tin. Because the loaf tin didn't entirely cover the end of the roasting tin, some of the cake mix had seeped down the sides. Sophie decided to square the cake up a bit. I don't know why we allowed this since she will freely admit she can't cut straight for shit. Luckily, whilst her cutting was slightly skew whiff, the cake looked fantastic. We all tried a piece of the bit she cut off to make sure. It is vital to do this. You should also lick the batter spoons etc along the way. Just to make sure you do not poison your brother with his own birthday cake.

Then we iced the cake. I used nearly a whole box of icing sugar.
Me: Sophie. Iced cakes are SO unhealthy!!! I've just tipped a whole box of pure sugar over our cake!
Sophie: Well, more like, cakes in general are unhealthy Ro.

We made sure all the cake, top and sides, were covered with icing. Icing covers every flaw and it pretty fantastic. Then Sophie wrote happy birthday on the top and drew a ninja banana. For some reason my brother thinks he is a ninja. It is best not to question these things.

In all, the cake was perfect and Jamie enjoyed it. As did everyone else. Although I have to say, next to my mothers cakes, ours looked unbelievably home made. Whatevs though. She is just a big show off.

The party was brilliant. Mum and Dad emptied out and cleaned the shed and put in a gas fire, a heater and loads of candles. My little sister printed out some posters and me and my dad nailed them on the walls. It had a table and chairs and cushions inside and looked better than some of the places me and So and Hawk looked at to rent.

There was also a massive fire pit on the patio, which noone fell in, so that was a bonus. And there was a TON of food. My Dad and brother Jamie cooked up a storm on the BBQ and it was delicious. MMMM MEAT. Plus my mother had done loads of salad and pasta and vegetables etc. We had to take home a cake dog bag because I was so stuffed. The cake was especially delicious on Sunday night though.

On Sunday me and Soph and Hawk decided to go to Asda and buy some fruit and vegetables. This is because we do not trust Tesco to deliver us good ones since Lord knows they can't get the rest of the order right. We also were thinking to buy a microwave since ours is a health hazard and danger trap and we are sick of risking life and limb to use it. However. Instead of a microwave we somehow ended up buying Scrabble and Cluedo. Clyde enjoyed a game but he didn't win as he only knows how to spell a few words. Cat. Clyde and GIVE ME SOME FOOD BEFORE I RIP YOUR FACE OFF.





It was a very enjoyable weekend. I loved it.

nerves

Sophie's interpretation of a genuine problem:

robot me v pirate Cor

Happy Ending

But she does still pee in the pool. Dirty