My pallio Mike works at an advertising company. Warner Bros are their clients and they gave Mike free tickets to the premier of a film called 'Speed Racer' and to the after show party. He called me last minute to say he had just been given them and did I want to go. Well I am always up fo hijinks so met him at Leicester Square.
Embarrassingly we were made to walk down the red carpet. All the journalists were like ARE THEY FAMOUS??? I was all, don't trip don't trip...
Anyway, about 5 minutes after we got in the building all the superstars arrived. Christina Ricci, Susan Sarandan and John Goodman...
Every chair in the cinema had a drink and popcorn on. The stars stood on stage and had a chat with us. Then we watched the film. It was very very long. Mike said if he bumped into any of the actors he felt he would be forced to mention that should they ask his opinion. Luckily they didn't.
My favourite bit in the film was when the masked man was about to take his mask off. He was blatantly the brother who the family thought had died in a car accident. Anyway, I just loved the person behind who was all: 'OH MY GOD I BET IT IS HIS BROTHER.'
Mike: Well that was a bit of a suspense killer.
The aftershow party was at a place called P near Baker Street station. I think it was an underground car park that had been done up for the occasion. It was fabulous and there were bars lining the walls covered in cocktails and wine and beer. And it was all free. Waitors wandered around with platters of food.
We had a very good evening. Me and Mike were trying to celebrity spot but soon realised we wouldn't know one if they boinked us on the head. Saw that dark haired chick from S Club 7 though. Mike wanted to go chat about Reach for the Stars with her.I said no. John Goodman wandered past. Me and Mike were a little star struck at that. Also, Mike thought this blond haired guy was a stripper but I think he was in Hollyoaks. Didn't correct him though.
We had our photos taken wearing racing helmets and I can't stop looking at them and giggling. My hat was so tight it has given me hamster cheeks. Mike just looks pissed.
It was a very good evening.
Mike:
I’m just listening to the Radio 1 movies section and they’re reviewing Speed Racer – Edith Bowman said she found the monkey funny, but the film guy didn’t find it funny at all. If I’d have spotted Edith Bowman I would have broken her legs so she couldn’t come to work today as I cannot stand her show
Me:
I am glad you did not make me a GBH accessory. Thank you. Also, laughing at what rubbish celebrity spotters we are!
Wednesday 30 April 2008
Tuesday 29 April 2008
romantic
Romantic:
Soph:
Matt got offered a promotion yesterday. If he accepts he will be a systems analyst for the operations dept. Basically scrutinising data. And he will be working in direct contact with moi. Because my job is also scrutinising data.
Romantic:
M:
Raining!! I straightened my hair this morning especially so I looked pretty when I came round to yours this evening.
Me:
Ar sweetie I like you however you look. If it is raining later I have a hot shower, a hair dryer, a fire, candles, a nice film and a warm bed :) I actually don't mind when it is raining when I am going home. I like getting in and having a boiling shower and putting my pajamas on. I love thunderstorms. I love eating fish and chips in the car on holiday looking at the sea whilst the rain streams down the windows.
M:
That was sooo romantic! I just say, I wouldn't mind if it rains while I'm at yours already! I don't like fish and chips... but yes, I love spring and autumn thunderstorms, I love being tucked in the bed and watch movies and eat ice cream...
Me:
Well lets hope it thunderstorms this evening! We can snuggle. In a total heterosexual way.
Romantic? Ha. Yeah. That's me. Best memory of my ex is going to his after work. I picked up some flowers and suddenly it absolutely poured with rain. His house was a 5 minute walk the station. When he opened the door I couldn't have been more soaked. The flowers had totally wilted under the pressure. He laughed. He ran me a boiling bath. I came down wearing his
old shirt and he had cooked dinner and opened wine.... I mean, obviously within minutes of that we started arguing but whatever.
Also, HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE FISH AND CHIPS??? OMG. You have not lived until you have sat in a car with your family on holiday with a portion of chips and looked at the waves crashing on the shore while the rain pounds on the roof!
M:
Hmm. Well I love being with someone inside whilst the weather is terrible out. Do you want me to bring some alcohol for us to also snuggle with?
Me:
Tonight, you do not need to bring any alcohol. Seriously
M:
Ha, of course, I don't need to bring the wood to the forest - that's a translation from Slovak, so noooo idea how you say it here at this island :) What I meant, I forgot your house is full of alcohol, so I will get some dessert then 'cause don't want you to be tempted to nibble my ear lobe. Nothing against you I just don't like it!
Me:
I think that your Slovak saying translates just as well in English! I don't like the earlobe nibbling either. I was actually chatting to Ale about it the other day. He said obviously I just hadn't had the right man doing it.
M:
Hmmm, I will think about Alejandro's comment but I guess if I haven't enjoyed it after around 50 men trying to nibble my ears I don't think it will ever happen! But it inspired me and I got us some bananas for training purposes later today ;) we can master ourselves in BJ... I mean if you want. If not we will just incorporate them into desserts.
Soph:
Matt got offered a promotion yesterday. If he accepts he will be a systems analyst for the operations dept. Basically scrutinising data. And he will be working in direct contact with moi. Because my job is also scrutinising data.
Romantic:
M:
Raining!! I straightened my hair this morning especially so I looked pretty when I came round to yours this evening.
Me:
Ar sweetie I like you however you look. If it is raining later I have a hot shower, a hair dryer, a fire, candles, a nice film and a warm bed :) I actually don't mind when it is raining when I am going home. I like getting in and having a boiling shower and putting my pajamas on. I love thunderstorms. I love eating fish and chips in the car on holiday looking at the sea whilst the rain streams down the windows.
M:
That was sooo romantic! I just say, I wouldn't mind if it rains while I'm at yours already! I don't like fish and chips... but yes, I love spring and autumn thunderstorms, I love being tucked in the bed and watch movies and eat ice cream...
Me:
Well lets hope it thunderstorms this evening! We can snuggle. In a total heterosexual way.
Romantic? Ha. Yeah. That's me. Best memory of my ex is going to his after work. I picked up some flowers and suddenly it absolutely poured with rain. His house was a 5 minute walk the station. When he opened the door I couldn't have been more soaked. The flowers had totally wilted under the pressure. He laughed. He ran me a boiling bath. I came down wearing his
old shirt and he had cooked dinner and opened wine.... I mean, obviously within minutes of that we started arguing but whatever.
Also, HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE FISH AND CHIPS??? OMG. You have not lived until you have sat in a car with your family on holiday with a portion of chips and looked at the waves crashing on the shore while the rain pounds on the roof!
M:
Hmm. Well I love being with someone inside whilst the weather is terrible out. Do you want me to bring some alcohol for us to also snuggle with?
Me:
Tonight, you do not need to bring any alcohol. Seriously
M:
Ha, of course, I don't need to bring the wood to the forest - that's a translation from Slovak, so noooo idea how you say it here at this island :) What I meant, I forgot your house is full of alcohol, so I will get some dessert then 'cause don't want you to be tempted to nibble my ear lobe. Nothing against you I just don't like it!
Me:
I think that your Slovak saying translates just as well in English! I don't like the earlobe nibbling either. I was actually chatting to Ale about it the other day. He said obviously I just hadn't had the right man doing it.
M:
Hmmm, I will think about Alejandro's comment but I guess if I haven't enjoyed it after around 50 men trying to nibble my ears I don't think it will ever happen! But it inspired me and I got us some bananas for training purposes later today ;) we can master ourselves in BJ... I mean if you want. If not we will just incorporate them into desserts.
Monday 28 April 2008
when i'm all done napping . . .
Andy:
Yo dude,
The gun squad and lady M will be be frequenting the K of D after work if you are around.
Me:
The gun squad and Lady M??? I am so making that into a badge.
Yo dude,
The gun squad and lady M will be be frequenting the K of D after work if you are around.
Me:
The gun squad and Lady M??? I am so making that into a badge.
Friday 25 April 2008
up up and away
At my old work we had a facility where you could log online and trial our services. Obviously people never gave correct details for us to contact them on. It wasn't necessary if you could have it all for free. Some of the names people logged on with were quite amusing. More amusing was how desperate my boss was for one of them to be a sale and a notorious incident is him telling me that 'Leo' at 'Titanikov' on '12341234' could possibly be real details. M knows how much I love these so sent me the latest. My favourite is:
1) E-mail: ummwotsup@hotmail.com
2) Address1: fuck you suck my balls you fuck
I love the below story. I love that the firefighter says he had a lot of equipment with him and will be safe then one of the journalists says yeah he had a lot of equipment but he didn't know how to use it. But he had faith! Though one of the pictures taken was a poignant image of the priests balloons found floating in the sea.
Wednesday April 23rd 2008, CBC News:
Rev. Adelir Antonio di Carli, a Brazilian priest who rode a bundle of party balloons into the horizon to set a flight record, has
disappeared. He took off Sunday from the coastal city of Paranagua in southern Brazil, buoyed by 1,000 helium-filled balloons.
Wearing a helmet, aluminum thermal flight suit, waterproof clothes and a parachute, he was attempting to break the 19-hour record of human flight by party balloons.
Eight hours after takeoff, di Carli was reported missing after he lost contact with authorities.
Rescuers said they have found the balloons floating in the ocean off the coast of southern Brazil but have seen no sign of di Carli, who planned to use money raised from his adventure to finance a "spiritual" rest stop for truckers in Paranagua, which is the country's primary grain port.
"Given his physical condition and the equipment he was carrying, I would say there is an 80 per cent chance that he is still alive," fire commander Johnny Coelho told Globo TV. Coelho said the priest could be floating somewhere in the ocean or may
have found refuge at a remote beach or coastal forest. He was carrying enough cereal bars and water to sustain him for five days and had a GPS device, satellite phone and buoyant chair with him, Coelho said.
A reporter with the newspaper Folha De Sao Paolo, Barbara Gancia, was less optimistic. "What we're hearing now is that he did not know how to use his equipment, the GPS, and he was ill-prepared for his flight," she told CBC News on Wednesday.
She said that while di Carli had intended to drift inland, weather conditions forced him over the ocean. She said authorities have also found the chair he was travelling in.
Meanwhile, a flight instructor who expelled di Carli from flight school three years ago has publicly criticized the priest for his
stunt, Gancia said. "He called him undisciplined and an exhibitionist, and he was always bragging about his faith and how his faith was going to carry him and take him safely through his journey. And that's not what happened."
This was di Carli's second balloon journey following a successful four-hour voyage from the Brazilian town of Ampere to Argentina in January.
1) E-mail: ummwotsup@hotmail.com
2) Address1: fuck you suck my balls you fuck
I love the below story. I love that the firefighter says he had a lot of equipment with him and will be safe then one of the journalists says yeah he had a lot of equipment but he didn't know how to use it. But he had faith! Though one of the pictures taken was a poignant image of the priests balloons found floating in the sea.
Wednesday April 23rd 2008, CBC News:
Rev. Adelir Antonio di Carli, a Brazilian priest who rode a bundle of party balloons into the horizon to set a flight record, has
disappeared. He took off Sunday from the coastal city of Paranagua in southern Brazil, buoyed by 1,000 helium-filled balloons.
Wearing a helmet, aluminum thermal flight suit, waterproof clothes and a parachute, he was attempting to break the 19-hour record of human flight by party balloons.
Eight hours after takeoff, di Carli was reported missing after he lost contact with authorities.
Rescuers said they have found the balloons floating in the ocean off the coast of southern Brazil but have seen no sign of di Carli, who planned to use money raised from his adventure to finance a "spiritual" rest stop for truckers in Paranagua, which is the country's primary grain port.
"Given his physical condition and the equipment he was carrying, I would say there is an 80 per cent chance that he is still alive," fire commander Johnny Coelho told Globo TV. Coelho said the priest could be floating somewhere in the ocean or may
have found refuge at a remote beach or coastal forest. He was carrying enough cereal bars and water to sustain him for five days and had a GPS device, satellite phone and buoyant chair with him, Coelho said.
A reporter with the newspaper Folha De Sao Paolo, Barbara Gancia, was less optimistic. "What we're hearing now is that he did not know how to use his equipment, the GPS, and he was ill-prepared for his flight," she told CBC News on Wednesday.
She said that while di Carli had intended to drift inland, weather conditions forced him over the ocean. She said authorities have also found the chair he was travelling in.
Meanwhile, a flight instructor who expelled di Carli from flight school three years ago has publicly criticized the priest for his
stunt, Gancia said. "He called him undisciplined and an exhibitionist, and he was always bragging about his faith and how his faith was going to carry him and take him safely through his journey. And that's not what happened."
This was di Carli's second balloon journey following a successful four-hour voyage from the Brazilian town of Ampere to Argentina in January.
Thursday 24 April 2008
Slovakia
M:
Thinking about the first Monday in May... What are you doing? Hmmmm? Can you already take some days off? One or two?
Me:
I can take time off already I think..... Are you thinking it is time I braved your home town? Lets chat over dinner tonight.
Next Day
M:
I'm soo exhausted! I am tired like a camel! I just made up this expression :) How are you? Was great to see you and finally I'm not going to mix up sashimi and nigiri.
Listen! We didn't discuss the trip to slovakia! If you are not too scared, we can plan it around that May bank holiday weekend, hmm? :)
Me:
I am not at all scared about Slovakia and am really looking forward to it!!! Can't wait for a holiday!!! I am totally happy to plan it around May day.
M:
I will have a look at flight over the weekend and we can book them asap, cool!
Some days later . . .
M:
We are off to Slovakia in two weeks from Thursday! I better start planning our days there :) Any special requirements?
Thinking of my packing - three t-shirts, clean pair of socks and panties :) I have some ideas already where to take you around so let's hope the weather is all good and it won't be miserable to stay out all the time! To start with, check this website: Trnava - I admit it's little bit boring to read all that stuff but the other site wrote that there's not too much to see in Trnava :)
Me:
I see in your packing you have not included any trousers. Is Slovakia a pant free zone?
M:
I will have one pair of trousers on, that should be enough and maybe take one skirt with me (I still have loads of clothes at my parents also) but feel free to think it's a pant free zone and don't pack any ;) I went through the site I sent you - I laughed at 'Trnava Organ Days.' Hahahah, thank God the event doesn't take place until August!!
Me:
I laughed at 'Organ Days' too. Totally rebooking our flight for then.
M:
'Love Days' sound interesting! I guess I will reconsider moving back :) I think my niece will love meeting you. I am teaching her English. You can teach her some as I'm still not very good in English songs and poetry... otherwise, she knows it all, so she's ready to meet you and have a meaningful conversation about life and stuff ;)
Me:
OMG. Going to have to start thinking up songs to sing her. What about Meatloaf? HA HA. Don't think it will be a very meaningful conversation. She probably knows more about the world than me. I'll be the one going: 'so there's this boy I like but I don't know if he likes me..' and she'll be all: 'are you, like, 5?'
M:
I'm not sure about Meatloaf songs unless rock ballads. Otherwise anything about animals or princesses (we passed that vocabulary already) and then she can have a proper British conversation about weather ;) Regarding the boy and girl stuff, she can teach us both probably! And then the younger one will tell you 'ham' as it's the only word she knows, so you can teach her 'egg'.
Me:
Ham and eggs? I see she has all her priorities covered.
M:
I talked to my mom this morning, they are looking forward to meeting you but don't expect any English from them :) She already asked me how shall she prepare the rooms... as my brother will be around, I hope you don't mind sharing the room with me! I will behave! Not like BC ;)
Me:
I am looking forward to meeting your parents!! You are going to spend your whole time translating though! I do not mind sharing a room with you - good to hear you will behave. I sleep naked. Thats cool though, right?
M:
I don't mind translating, even though sometimes you don't need any translation especially with my father (he uses international body language gestures: drink, eat, good, big... etc. :) Hmmm, I'm concerned now about sharing a room (BC was dead even after two days!)
Me:
Heh. Don't worry. Whilst you are my favourite Slovakian, you are not my type of man.
In other news:
Primary School Children Writing About The Sea
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.(Billy age 8)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Brian age 33)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7).
Thinking about the first Monday in May... What are you doing? Hmmmm? Can you already take some days off? One or two?
Me:
I can take time off already I think..... Are you thinking it is time I braved your home town? Lets chat over dinner tonight.
Next Day
M:
I'm soo exhausted! I am tired like a camel! I just made up this expression :) How are you? Was great to see you and finally I'm not going to mix up sashimi and nigiri.
Listen! We didn't discuss the trip to slovakia! If you are not too scared, we can plan it around that May bank holiday weekend, hmm? :)
Me:
I am not at all scared about Slovakia and am really looking forward to it!!! Can't wait for a holiday!!! I am totally happy to plan it around May day.
M:
I will have a look at flight over the weekend and we can book them asap, cool!
Some days later . . .
M:
We are off to Slovakia in two weeks from Thursday! I better start planning our days there :) Any special requirements?
Thinking of my packing - three t-shirts, clean pair of socks and panties :) I have some ideas already where to take you around so let's hope the weather is all good and it won't be miserable to stay out all the time! To start with, check this website: Trnava - I admit it's little bit boring to read all that stuff but the other site wrote that there's not too much to see in Trnava :)
Me:
I see in your packing you have not included any trousers. Is Slovakia a pant free zone?
M:
I will have one pair of trousers on, that should be enough and maybe take one skirt with me (I still have loads of clothes at my parents also) but feel free to think it's a pant free zone and don't pack any ;) I went through the site I sent you - I laughed at 'Trnava Organ Days.' Hahahah, thank God the event doesn't take place until August!!
Me:
I laughed at 'Organ Days' too. Totally rebooking our flight for then.
M:
'Love Days' sound interesting! I guess I will reconsider moving back :) I think my niece will love meeting you. I am teaching her English. You can teach her some as I'm still not very good in English songs and poetry... otherwise, she knows it all, so she's ready to meet you and have a meaningful conversation about life and stuff ;)
Me:
OMG. Going to have to start thinking up songs to sing her. What about Meatloaf? HA HA. Don't think it will be a very meaningful conversation. She probably knows more about the world than me. I'll be the one going: 'so there's this boy I like but I don't know if he likes me..' and she'll be all: 'are you, like, 5?'
M:
I'm not sure about Meatloaf songs unless rock ballads. Otherwise anything about animals or princesses (we passed that vocabulary already) and then she can have a proper British conversation about weather ;) Regarding the boy and girl stuff, she can teach us both probably! And then the younger one will tell you 'ham' as it's the only word she knows, so you can teach her 'egg'.
Me:
Ham and eggs? I see she has all her priorities covered.
M:
I talked to my mom this morning, they are looking forward to meeting you but don't expect any English from them :) She already asked me how shall she prepare the rooms... as my brother will be around, I hope you don't mind sharing the room with me! I will behave! Not like BC ;)
Me:
I am looking forward to meeting your parents!! You are going to spend your whole time translating though! I do not mind sharing a room with you - good to hear you will behave. I sleep naked. Thats cool though, right?
M:
I don't mind translating, even though sometimes you don't need any translation especially with my father (he uses international body language gestures: drink, eat, good, big... etc. :) Hmmm, I'm concerned now about sharing a room (BC was dead even after two days!)
Me:
Heh. Don't worry. Whilst you are my favourite Slovakian, you are not my type of man.
In other news:
Primary School Children Writing About The Sea
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.(Billy age 8)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Brian age 33)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7).
Wednesday 23 April 2008
distracted
Thinking about moving in with Sophs and Hawk.
Being woken up by BC kissing the back of my neck and making me a coffee
Money. Car insurance, house, GOOD TIMES, travel.
Lying on the floor chatting about life and drinking whisky.
Domestic crap like putting up pictures, cooking dinner....
Bumping into an ex-ex-colleague who was happy to see me and said it changed since I left. Added to everyone having job security worries it is a very dull place to be.
How many shoes do I pack for Slovakia?
Why isn't it pub garden weather yet?
I said I was cold. He said he had a warm bed.
Think of meeeeeeee think of meeeeee fondlyyyyy whennnn we sayyyy gooooooodbyee (watched too much phantom of the opera. Distracted by songs.)
Being woken up by BC kissing the back of my neck and making me a coffee
Money. Car insurance, house, GOOD TIMES, travel.
Lying on the floor chatting about life and drinking whisky.
Domestic crap like putting up pictures, cooking dinner....
Bumping into an ex-ex-colleague who was happy to see me and said it changed since I left. Added to everyone having job security worries it is a very dull place to be.
How many shoes do I pack for Slovakia?
Why isn't it pub garden weather yet?
I said I was cold. He said he had a warm bed.
Think of meeeeeeee think of meeeeee fondlyyyyy whennnn we sayyyy gooooooodbyee (watched too much phantom of the opera. Distracted by songs.)
Tuesday 22 April 2008
ICRNAVM statttttttttttt
Sadie is forever sending me emails that are meant to go to Robbins and not Rosie.
Sadie:
Hi All
FYI I have just changed the template ICRNAVM.cus used in batch job ICPREPAR for the production of the ICVC daily official
vals. I will be releasing this to live shortly, so please don't make any amendments to this file in BILLY.
Cheers
Me:
Again with me not being Terry. And, also, geek.
Sadie:
That's not geek speak, um is it? Poor Terry never gets my emails any more.
Me:
Does anyone ever say, who is Rosie and why is she interested?
or
SECURITY BREACH
Sadie:
A few did this time. I said you had showed a keen interest in my project about compression of the generic feed files in order to improve performance in our applications processing time. They were highly impressed.
Me:
Har I am laughing. Did many believe that or are they all as geeky as you and can't imagine anyone not being interested in it?
Sadie
No-one here is interested in IT. We all fell in to this department by accident. One giant cosmic trip-up.
Me:
Talking of accidents ... Guess what I am??? HEALTH AND SAFETY OFFICER!!!
Some would question the logic of me being the 1st aid officer since I will be the one with the concussion from walking into a door.
Sadie:
Oh God, laughing!!!!! When did you do that first aid course? Can you still remember how to do a tracheotomy?
Me:
I did not learn how to do a tracheotomy in first aid class however I have watched enough Eastenders/Hollyoaks etcetc to know I simply need a sharp knife and a biro.
Soph:
STATS ARE FALLING
CRASHING
CAN SOMEONE GET A GURNEY
WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO TO THEATRE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THE PROCEDURE RIGHT HERE
... That's right, I watch ER.
Me:
Exactly- the person will totally die on my watch but at least I will SOUND professional
Jess:
I'm sure ro would make an excellent first aider!!!
***** CLEAR*****
Me:
I'll be the one going OH WHATEVER IF YOU THINK I AM GIVING MOUTH TO MOUTH TO THEM. NO WAY. DUDE. GROSS.
Sadie:
Unless he's good looking of course. Then it'll be all shirt ripping, button flying action I'm guessing. And that's just your shirt.
Me:
Hey hey. I am perfectly capable of attracting someone who is not unconscious.
Sadie:
Yes, but finding them after an evening's drinking with you, that's the real challenge.
I was reminded of these emails after what happened on the way to BC's on Friday night. On the train someone started yelling at us to pull the passenger alarm and tell the driver someone had passed out. She came over and did it herself since me and B were a little pissed and distracted.
In other news. Everyone on the train last night was lovely. I offered my seat to a small child and after about 5 minutes another seat was vacated and the mother of the child was beckoning me and 'here! Here is a seat for you!!!' It was next to her son so I was all, um that is ok. You have it. Then a man got up and offered me his chair. I was like, no, thats fine. Then 2 minutes later another person got up and offered me his. People were so nice I didn't know what to say or how to react. This ain't my public transport.... but I like it.
Sadie:
Hi All
FYI I have just changed the template ICRNAVM.cus used in batch job ICPREPAR for the production of the ICVC daily official
vals. I will be releasing this to live shortly, so please don't make any amendments to this file in BILLY.
Cheers
Me:
Again with me not being Terry. And, also, geek.
Sadie:
That's not geek speak, um is it? Poor Terry never gets my emails any more.
Me:
Does anyone ever say, who is Rosie and why is she interested?
or
SECURITY BREACH
Sadie:
A few did this time. I said you had showed a keen interest in my project about compression of the generic feed files in order to improve performance in our applications processing time. They were highly impressed.
Me:
Har I am laughing. Did many believe that or are they all as geeky as you and can't imagine anyone not being interested in it?
Sadie
No-one here is interested in IT. We all fell in to this department by accident. One giant cosmic trip-up.
Me:
Talking of accidents ... Guess what I am??? HEALTH AND SAFETY OFFICER!!!
Some would question the logic of me being the 1st aid officer since I will be the one with the concussion from walking into a door.
Sadie:
Oh God, laughing!!!!! When did you do that first aid course? Can you still remember how to do a tracheotomy?
Me:
I did not learn how to do a tracheotomy in first aid class however I have watched enough Eastenders/Hollyoaks etcetc to know I simply need a sharp knife and a biro.
Soph:
STATS ARE FALLING
CRASHING
CAN SOMEONE GET A GURNEY
WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO TO THEATRE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THE PROCEDURE RIGHT HERE
... That's right, I watch ER.
Me:
Exactly- the person will totally die on my watch but at least I will SOUND professional
Jess:
I'm sure ro would make an excellent first aider!!!
***** CLEAR*****
Me:
I'll be the one going OH WHATEVER IF YOU THINK I AM GIVING MOUTH TO MOUTH TO THEM. NO WAY. DUDE. GROSS.
Sadie:
Unless he's good looking of course. Then it'll be all shirt ripping, button flying action I'm guessing. And that's just your shirt.
Me:
Hey hey. I am perfectly capable of attracting someone who is not unconscious.
Sadie:
Yes, but finding them after an evening's drinking with you, that's the real challenge.
I was reminded of these emails after what happened on the way to BC's on Friday night. On the train someone started yelling at us to pull the passenger alarm and tell the driver someone had passed out. She came over and did it herself since me and B were a little pissed and distracted.
In other news. Everyone on the train last night was lovely. I offered my seat to a small child and after about 5 minutes another seat was vacated and the mother of the child was beckoning me and 'here! Here is a seat for you!!!' It was next to her son so I was all, um that is ok. You have it. Then a man got up and offered me his chair. I was like, no, thats fine. Then 2 minutes later another person got up and offered me his. People were so nice I didn't know what to say or how to react. This ain't my public transport.... but I like it.
Monday 21 April 2008
insults of my time
A guy came to read our meter. I told him I had no idea where it was and he would have to come back when my dad was home. He was all, thats fine. I'll come in and have a look for it.
Um. No, I am not letting a strange man wander around my house. Sorry.
But you are a BIG strong girl. What's an itty bitty man like me going to do to such a BIG strong girl...
Repeat until Soph came down and shut the door in his face.
Buying a kebab with Sophie.
Kebab man to Soph: Hi Sky Girl!! Sky Girl!! What can I get you Sky Girl??
Kebab man to me: You are big and strong like an ox!!!
A, at work: There used to be a company working here that used to give me loads of free tickets to things. Once I was invited to watch the races in their company box. They were eating strawberries and drinking champagne. It was too posh for me so I went and sat on the grass. You would probably sit on the grass too, ay?
Me: What? No. I would be in with the posh peeps drinking champagne. Don't you know my goal in life is to marry a millionaire?
A: They wouldn't have you.
Me: Charming!
A: Well they stick together don't they. You aren't one of them. You aren't rich or posh enough.
On another occasion I gave him some letters to post and he said, I can tell you never addressed these. The handwriting is too posh (I hadn't addressed them).
Grandma: Rosie! Oh I am so glad you aren't one of them skinny lollipop heads! Oh Luce (my ma) you've raised such a farm girl!!!
Emailing someone I used to work with:
J: Hey petal, thinking about moving to Spain, better quality of life and weather. Do you know a phrase more useful than donde esta la playa? Things that might help with the ladies.
Me:Tu es muy bonita, petalo?
J: Gracias, yo lo se!! We're on fire now!!
Me:En fuego? Muy hace calor!
J: Wow!! That's it, i'm going to find a spanish bar tomorrow and practise some more!! Although the last bit is probably for when/if i get lucky... Btw, have you been getting help with your Spanish?
Me: Nah, why, are you impressed? I did GCSE Spanish y'know. I can also tell you the streets are dirty, the sharks dangerous and the pandas endangered. I was all, this is all well and good but not going to get me a sandwich and a beer. I once did a speech about olives. Dont know why. But I got best marks in the class.
J: Well, don't take this the wrong way but I never realised you were so gifted!
J used to insult me continually when I worked with him. He said he hoped I was replaced by someone hot. That I should leave the math to him, that the abuse was all in my head and that when I get another job I'll actually have to do some work.
The last two things made me walk away from him and practice deep breathing. My last job was hard. Example -
"Your replacement got sacked after 4 days, 1 hour and 30 minutes. Apparently she had a problem with being shouted at and abused. This is what happens when you give women the vote!!"
Um. No, I am not letting a strange man wander around my house. Sorry.
But you are a BIG strong girl. What's an itty bitty man like me going to do to such a BIG strong girl...
Repeat until Soph came down and shut the door in his face.
Buying a kebab with Sophie.
Kebab man to Soph: Hi Sky Girl!! Sky Girl!! What can I get you Sky Girl??
Kebab man to me: You are big and strong like an ox!!!
A, at work: There used to be a company working here that used to give me loads of free tickets to things. Once I was invited to watch the races in their company box. They were eating strawberries and drinking champagne. It was too posh for me so I went and sat on the grass. You would probably sit on the grass too, ay?
Me: What? No. I would be in with the posh peeps drinking champagne. Don't you know my goal in life is to marry a millionaire?
A: They wouldn't have you.
Me: Charming!
A: Well they stick together don't they. You aren't one of them. You aren't rich or posh enough.
On another occasion I gave him some letters to post and he said, I can tell you never addressed these. The handwriting is too posh (I hadn't addressed them).
Grandma: Rosie! Oh I am so glad you aren't one of them skinny lollipop heads! Oh Luce (my ma) you've raised such a farm girl!!!
Emailing someone I used to work with:
J: Hey petal, thinking about moving to Spain, better quality of life and weather. Do you know a phrase more useful than donde esta la playa? Things that might help with the ladies.
Me:Tu es muy bonita, petalo?
J: Gracias, yo lo se!! We're on fire now!!
Me:En fuego? Muy hace calor!
J: Wow!! That's it, i'm going to find a spanish bar tomorrow and practise some more!! Although the last bit is probably for when/if i get lucky... Btw, have you been getting help with your Spanish?
Me: Nah, why, are you impressed? I did GCSE Spanish y'know. I can also tell you the streets are dirty, the sharks dangerous and the pandas endangered. I was all, this is all well and good but not going to get me a sandwich and a beer. I once did a speech about olives. Dont know why. But I got best marks in the class.
J: Well, don't take this the wrong way but I never realised you were so gifted!
J used to insult me continually when I worked with him. He said he hoped I was replaced by someone hot. That I should leave the math to him, that the abuse was all in my head and that when I get another job I'll actually have to do some work.
The last two things made me walk away from him and practice deep breathing. My last job was hard. Example -
"Your replacement got sacked after 4 days, 1 hour and 30 minutes. Apparently she had a problem with being shouted at and abused. This is what happens when you give women the vote!!"
Friday 18 April 2008
review
(Yesterday morning:
I arrive at work at 8.32.
Noone else arrives until 9.07.
Me to R:
What is the point of me arriving early if no one is around to witness it?
R:
Sorrryyyyyyyyyyy. I will try harder tomorrow. )
This morning:
I arrive at work at 8.43.
No one else arrives until 9.10.
R walks through my office to his desk.
R: Um. So. I tried to get in earlier and appreciate you being here...
Me: FAILED
R: Jeez.
2 Minutes Ago:
R:
Rosie! I owe you an apology!!
Me:
What? Why? What did you do?
R:
Your 1 month probation was up on April 3rd.
Me:
Oh. Was it?
R:
Yeah. Well we will have it tomorrow and you can think of some things you would like to discuss.
Me:
*pretending to write a note* Get in early. No one here to appreciate it...
R:
I'm thinking this is going to be a quick review...
I realised I forgot to mention that, on March 3rd, I got a new job. And I am loving it. The bosses are normal. I don't have to quibble over the price of bin bags anymore, or go get the IT manager out of the loos because the Dr is screaming at me to do so. Wicked.
I arrive at work at 8.32.
Noone else arrives until 9.07.
Me to R:
What is the point of me arriving early if no one is around to witness it?
R:
Sorrryyyyyyyyyyy. I will try harder tomorrow. )
This morning:
I arrive at work at 8.43.
No one else arrives until 9.10.
R walks through my office to his desk.
R: Um. So. I tried to get in earlier and appreciate you being here...
Me: FAILED
R: Jeez.
2 Minutes Ago:
R:
Rosie! I owe you an apology!!
Me:
What? Why? What did you do?
R:
Your 1 month probation was up on April 3rd.
Me:
Oh. Was it?
R:
Yeah. Well we will have it tomorrow and you can think of some things you would like to discuss.
Me:
*pretending to write a note* Get in early. No one here to appreciate it...
R:
I'm thinking this is going to be a quick review...
I realised I forgot to mention that, on March 3rd, I got a new job. And I am loving it. The bosses are normal. I don't have to quibble over the price of bin bags anymore, or go get the IT manager out of the loos because the Dr is screaming at me to do so. Wicked.
Thursday 17 April 2008
teachers pet
I went out for dinner with Fiontan, Hawk and So last night. Hawk managed to clear the area where we were sitting of other diners. This is because he wouldn't stop talking about the blow jobs he used to give his teachers to get better grades and how at uni he had to drop out in second year because of jaw lock. Though to be fair, it was in fact So who started the blow job talk by doing an impression of a photo Fiöntan has on his Faceboob sight. Things I never wanted to see in my lifetime? My sister's blow job face.
Fiontan was being his usual innocent, sweet and funny self. I love Fiontan's stories and could listen to them all day. My favourite from last night was how he went to a proper sailors shop in Covent Garden because he wanted an authentic stripy top and the store worker was being all disdainful at the gay coming in to wear their manly men sailor tops.
Then, Fiontan told us how he was mugged and these guys held a broken bottle to his face and chest and he was joking about it and I just though OH MY GOD. We carried on making jokes about the muggers stealing his Ipod and being all, ooooo the new Girls Aloud album! But he really worried us.
On Saturday night I stayed up chatting with Andy. We were talking about drinking, drugs, staying up late etc and I said it is fine for me to do everything but I would kick either of my sister's arses if they did anything to put themselves at risk. I would be so mad if they walked home late at night in the dark, down spooky unlit streets and yet I do it.
When my little sister was about 10, she walked round the park one evening with my parents. It was winter time and quite dark out and a group of guys started walking behind them. It unnerved my parents enough that they left the park. My dad was telling me about it and he said that Lulu had said, 'I wish that Rosie was here.'
When Fiontan told me what happened to him I wish I were there. I doubt I could have done anything but it would have been less scary.
Also, I think we drank Rohypnol wine last night because I barely drank 2 glasses and I woke up this morning with a sock in my mouth and a cotton wool brain.
Fiontan was being his usual innocent, sweet and funny self. I love Fiontan's stories and could listen to them all day. My favourite from last night was how he went to a proper sailors shop in Covent Garden because he wanted an authentic stripy top and the store worker was being all disdainful at the gay coming in to wear their manly men sailor tops.
Then, Fiontan told us how he was mugged and these guys held a broken bottle to his face and chest and he was joking about it and I just though OH MY GOD. We carried on making jokes about the muggers stealing his Ipod and being all, ooooo the new Girls Aloud album! But he really worried us.
On Saturday night I stayed up chatting with Andy. We were talking about drinking, drugs, staying up late etc and I said it is fine for me to do everything but I would kick either of my sister's arses if they did anything to put themselves at risk. I would be so mad if they walked home late at night in the dark, down spooky unlit streets and yet I do it.
When my little sister was about 10, she walked round the park one evening with my parents. It was winter time and quite dark out and a group of guys started walking behind them. It unnerved my parents enough that they left the park. My dad was telling me about it and he said that Lulu had said, 'I wish that Rosie was here.'
When Fiontan told me what happened to him I wish I were there. I doubt I could have done anything but it would have been less scary.
Also, I think we drank Rohypnol wine last night because I barely drank 2 glasses and I woke up this morning with a sock in my mouth and a cotton wool brain.
Wednesday 16 April 2008
charity work
Me:
I am doing some charity work. I just read one of the charities as 'window support.' I was all, wtf? WINDOW SUPPORT. Lucky I did not voice this aloud as an hour later I reread it. Yeah. I am all for supporting WIDOWS. Plan.
Andy:
You seem to be implying that widows are more deserving of our charity than windows. I would take great issue with this. I have known alot of good windows in my time. Less so widows........
Me:
Ok so I am happy to support windows but there is a charity called 'Daisy Chain.' When did porn become a charity?
Andy:
I can't believe the things they teach you girls in P town! I don't know if porn has become a charity yet but if you need anyone to sign a petition for it please forward it on.
Me:
Whoops. Me knowing what a daisy chain is kinda blew my innocent Christian image. Guess I won't tell you I learnt it at Enfield County School for Girls. Or the other stuff I learnt there.
Andy:
Ah that explains it. It is a well know fact that all girls from all girls schools are bad!! Its ok you can tell me or show me the other stuff you learnt there.
Me:
You want me to draw you the structure of a chlorophyl cell?
Andy:
Is that where you learnt sarcasm?
Me:
No. That would be from my mother.
I am doing some charity work. I just read one of the charities as 'window support.' I was all, wtf? WINDOW SUPPORT. Lucky I did not voice this aloud as an hour later I reread it. Yeah. I am all for supporting WIDOWS. Plan.
Andy:
You seem to be implying that widows are more deserving of our charity than windows. I would take great issue with this. I have known alot of good windows in my time. Less so widows........
Me:
Ok so I am happy to support windows but there is a charity called 'Daisy Chain.' When did porn become a charity?
Andy:
I can't believe the things they teach you girls in P town! I don't know if porn has become a charity yet but if you need anyone to sign a petition for it please forward it on.
Me:
Whoops. Me knowing what a daisy chain is kinda blew my innocent Christian image. Guess I won't tell you I learnt it at Enfield County School for Girls. Or the other stuff I learnt there.
Andy:
Ah that explains it. It is a well know fact that all girls from all girls schools are bad!! Its ok you can tell me or show me the other stuff you learnt there.
Me:
You want me to draw you the structure of a chlorophyl cell?
Andy:
Is that where you learnt sarcasm?
Me:
No. That would be from my mother.
Tuesday 15 April 2008
onwards and upwards
Via email:
Me:
Guess what I am? FIRST AID OFFICER. Yeah so it's not very logical to give it to the person who will probably need first aid after concussing herself on a door but whatev. I am off now to fashion myself a badge. (What??? Noone gave me anything at *crappy ex company*. I didn't even have a business card.)
Ro
Ask me how.
Mike:
Ro, it's funny you have become a first aid officer this week, because I have become a fire warden. Look at the roles and responsibilities that open up to us now we've left *CEC* ha!
Could you make me a badge too?
Mike
Hot Stuff
Me:
So, like, does that make you, like, a kinda fireman? HELLO
Mike:
Haha. The worst thing about that is my director said she thought I should get a job as a stripper as a result of my new fire warden status...talk about harrassment in the workplace - if it wasn't M it's this lot!!!
Andy:
Sorry for late reply, just been down the gym working on my guns.
I can't believe that everyone is getting all these promotions. Mike, if your director makes you come into work in a firemans uniform, at least make sure you get a pay rise with it.
Ok let me see if I can rearrange some stuff so I can come on Friday. The lure of seeing Ro bandaging peoples heads is overpowering!
Me:
Yeah it'll totally be my own. I just fell over in Primark. Luckily it was behind a stack of crap so noone saw.
Also, nurse + fireman + um...cowboy = porn film, non?
Andy:
First walking into a door at work now falling over in shops. Sounds like your subconcious is trying to self harm....
We sound more like the 2000 version of the village people minus a red Indian and some dodgy bloke with a tash.....
Me:
You are not allowed to grow a tash.
Me:
Guess what I am? FIRST AID OFFICER. Yeah so it's not very logical to give it to the person who will probably need first aid after concussing herself on a door but whatev. I am off now to fashion myself a badge. (What??? Noone gave me anything at *crappy ex company*. I didn't even have a business card.)
Ro
Ask me how.
Mike:
Ro, it's funny you have become a first aid officer this week, because I have become a fire warden. Look at the roles and responsibilities that open up to us now we've left *CEC* ha!
Could you make me a badge too?
Mike
Hot Stuff
Me:
So, like, does that make you, like, a kinda fireman? HELLO
Mike:
Haha. The worst thing about that is my director said she thought I should get a job as a stripper as a result of my new fire warden status...talk about harrassment in the workplace - if it wasn't M it's this lot!!!
Andy:
Sorry for late reply, just been down the gym working on my guns.
I can't believe that everyone is getting all these promotions. Mike, if your director makes you come into work in a firemans uniform, at least make sure you get a pay rise with it.
Ok let me see if I can rearrange some stuff so I can come on Friday. The lure of seeing Ro bandaging peoples heads is overpowering!
Me:
Yeah it'll totally be my own. I just fell over in Primark. Luckily it was behind a stack of crap so noone saw.
Also, nurse + fireman + um...cowboy = porn film, non?
Andy:
First walking into a door at work now falling over in shops. Sounds like your subconcious is trying to self harm....
We sound more like the 2000 version of the village people minus a red Indian and some dodgy bloke with a tash.....
Me:
You are not allowed to grow a tash.
Monday 14 April 2008
the weekend, powered by ex-colleagues and alcohol
All the planning of the weekend paid off. It was very good. I started getting ready for my pals coming over on Friday night by copius cleaning of my room and my little sisters since people were staying round. Managed to collect around 16 cups and a plate of toast from hers. Nice.
Saturday I have never more felt like my mother. Every time my mum organises a party or people over she always does mad cleaning and says it takes ages and bla bla and I said to her I'd have loads of time to do everything and she was all no you won't etc etc and SHE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT.
I was up and dressed by 10. I fed Monty. Monty is a huge Golden Retriever. His partner in crime, Boris, had gone with my parents and sister to Norfolk to stay with my aunt and uncle. I was totally happy with this plan, especially when my aunt texted me to say I owed her 24 profiteroles and a new table.
Then I called my pal Ruth and arranged to meet her in the park for a coffee. Walked up and met her in the beautiful sunshine and sat in the cafe drinking tea whilst it poured. Then walked round the lake a few times and home in beautiful sunshine. To find it was 3.00. M was going to be the first person over at 5.00 as she was coming for dinner. Managed to enlist younger brother Toby's help to vacuum the downstairs whilst I brushed the dog. Then managed to get him to come shopping with me and dump loads of clothes in a charity shop and carry beer. Bribed him with a multi-pack of Quavers. He is clearly quite cheap. Toby, not Monty. Monty would have done it for one Quaver but he is useless at carrying beer.
Got home, packed everything away and vacuumed and mopped the upstairs. By this time it was 4.30 and all plans of a relaxing bath and nail painting went out the window. Was standing dripping and naked in my room when M called. To tell me she was still at home as had only just woken up.
Managed to be ready with a fire lit when I met her at the station. Started cooking dinner with her when Andy called to say he was down the road. Left M cooking us all dinner and drove down to meet him. He commented on the 'passengers travel at their own risk' tax disc on the car. Haven't heard that one before.
Gradually everyone else arrived. Hollie and her husband Sam drove over from Essex. I immediately liked Sam when he walked in and found a dog biscuit in his coat pocket for Monty. Nearly all the jackets in our house have dog biscuits and poop bags in. Awesome when they accidentally fall out in the pub. Dog jokes will never not be funny, right?
Alejandro and Mike arrived and drank gin until they passed out. Hilarious waking them up and getting Mike to clamber up into a bunk bed.
At 5.00am me and Andy were the only ones left chatting as the fire went out and the sun came up.
Saturday I have never more felt like my mother. Every time my mum organises a party or people over she always does mad cleaning and says it takes ages and bla bla and I said to her I'd have loads of time to do everything and she was all no you won't etc etc and SHE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT.
I was up and dressed by 10. I fed Monty. Monty is a huge Golden Retriever. His partner in crime, Boris, had gone with my parents and sister to Norfolk to stay with my aunt and uncle. I was totally happy with this plan, especially when my aunt texted me to say I owed her 24 profiteroles and a new table.
Then I called my pal Ruth and arranged to meet her in the park for a coffee. Walked up and met her in the beautiful sunshine and sat in the cafe drinking tea whilst it poured. Then walked round the lake a few times and home in beautiful sunshine. To find it was 3.00. M was going to be the first person over at 5.00 as she was coming for dinner. Managed to enlist younger brother Toby's help to vacuum the downstairs whilst I brushed the dog. Then managed to get him to come shopping with me and dump loads of clothes in a charity shop and carry beer. Bribed him with a multi-pack of Quavers. He is clearly quite cheap. Toby, not Monty. Monty would have done it for one Quaver but he is useless at carrying beer.
Got home, packed everything away and vacuumed and mopped the upstairs. By this time it was 4.30 and all plans of a relaxing bath and nail painting went out the window. Was standing dripping and naked in my room when M called. To tell me she was still at home as had only just woken up.
Managed to be ready with a fire lit when I met her at the station. Started cooking dinner with her when Andy called to say he was down the road. Left M cooking us all dinner and drove down to meet him. He commented on the 'passengers travel at their own risk' tax disc on the car. Haven't heard that one before.
Gradually everyone else arrived. Hollie and her husband Sam drove over from Essex. I immediately liked Sam when he walked in and found a dog biscuit in his coat pocket for Monty. Nearly all the jackets in our house have dog biscuits and poop bags in. Awesome when they accidentally fall out in the pub. Dog jokes will never not be funny, right?
Alejandro and Mike arrived and drank gin until they passed out. Hilarious waking them up and getting Mike to clamber up into a bunk bed.
At 5.00am me and Andy were the only ones left chatting as the fire went out and the sun came up.
Friday 11 April 2008
directional misadventures
On Saturday i am having some old work pals round:
Hey little pineapple head! Hows tricks? Interested in coming over to mine on Saturday?
Andy:
Yes I would love to come!! I will definately be there. Just two questions:
1) Can I bring my mum?
2) Will I be safe? I heard it was a very dangerous area full of undesirables.
Me:
Phew to you coming. Was worried it was just going to be me and M sharing a bed etc etc.
1) Yes you can bring your mum. She has to tell dirty jokes though.
2) Indeed ol' P Town, as the locals refer to it, is very deep down and dirty. Just tell anyone who asks you're with me and
they'll leave you alone. Also, lock the car doors. No point CAVORTING with danger.
Ro, AKA Schnizzle fo dizzle dirty ratfink (around these parts)
Andy:
Yes I was worried that you and M were going to have to share a bed together as that would be immoral. I hope neither of you snore.
My mother taught me all the dirty jokes I know, or a least until I was put into care at any rate.
Me:
Doesn't look good for you if we are snoring.
Heh to your mum. Same here. We never had the birds and the bees. We had, like, um, the whole planet. Or something. She keeps shouting at my younger sister 'no glove no love' everytime she goes out.
Andy:
For the rest of my life I will remember the words "no glove no love". I now feel dirty......well a little more so than normal anyway.
Anyway, they kept bugging me for directions because APPARENTLY I live in the sticks and just telling them which station to get off at wasn't good enough.So one journey home I photographed sights along the way and pasted them on a word document with comments such as: 'my street' and 'walk down it.' It took a lot longer than I thought it would. I am so computer bored. As in, I can mess about on it and fix stuff but it holds no interest. Unlike my younger brother who loves taking them apart and scattering the pieces around a room then not putting it back together properly so you can see all the wires hanging out when he is using it.
I emailed Mike the directions:
Mike:
You are soooo totally excited.
See you Saturday Gherkin
Me:
A HA. Shut up. Stop mocking my OCD. Those directions took FOREVER. No, seriously. Stupid editing in photoshop, then image maker, then realising they needed to be saved as jpegs otherwise you couldn't open them, then trying to fit them on a page then trying to send them... I kept deciding to give up but I had already done too much... It was just like the time me and my family walked 15 miles round a lake because we had already walked about 5 and going back seemed effort. ANYWAY. If you get lost you are retarded. Fact.
Mike:
Haha, I think we all appreciate the directions - they're a triumph.
Me:
I think Andy is driving over but fucked if I'm going to go photograph the Great Cambridge Roundabout.
Didn't matter anyway since he couldn't open the directions I sent:
Andy:
Dude,
That was the greatest blank document I have ever seen in my life. In terms of blank documents its at least a 9 out of 10.......
I will try and open it from work tomorrow in case of the 1000 to 1 shot that it is my computer!!!!!
Me:
Mike and M could both open it and she was using an *ex-company crappy old falling apart 17 hours to turn on* computer!!!! I can only image what you have at home... I'm thinking it involves tin cans and some string though... or maybe, in Essex, a document won't open unless it is porn related?
Me:
HEY HEY BANANA FO FANNA MANANNA!!!!!!!!
Did you get my directions? I know how free and easy you are deleting stuff!
(Since everyone continues to leave my ex-company, M has to check all the old emails. Sometimes she has up to 3000 emails a day. About 10 are not spam).
M:
Hey hey!
You are in a funky mood, girl! Is it because you can't wait to see me on saturday? ;) I got your directions, laughing!
No gossips. Been so busy, haven't even had a chance to go to the bathroom!
What do you want people to get on Saturday? And what time did you tell them to come over? What shall I bring? Can I come earlier?
Me:
OH MY GOODNESS SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!
Dude. No chance to go to the bathroom???? YIKES. I remember those days... Man. A place where you have no time to go to the toilet and when you do it has to be timed with someone to cover for you. Here I frolick around peeing freely. Actually, not so free. I try and make sure Fernando the scary cleaner isn't loitering. I went in the ladies the other day and I SWEAR he was waiting in there for me. I was like, um, carry on. And he was all, NO COME IN!!!
SO!!!! Saturday!!!! People do not need to bring anything though flowers or similar hostess gifts are always appreciated :)
You only need to bring your sexy self!!! And some pajamas! Also, bring a jumper. Make sure you are warm. We are not in London anymore Toto. This is the COUNTRY. The STICKS. No miniskirts. Ok, the boys can totally wear miniskirts.
M:
Andy came for an afternoon chat but I forgot to tell him that he needs to come in a miniskirt ;) and we talked about me and you going to slovakia and that he's afraid I will sell you for body parts... DON'T WORRY! I WON'T!
Gossip about J: he bought some reduced ready meal from Tesco and it exploded in the microwave! It was some chicken in yellow creamy sauce, so you can imagine the micro. Then he had to clean it up as I was waiting to heat my lunch... when I was passing him with my heated up aubergine+potato dish he was eating that chicken (I only hope he didn't scrape it from the
micro. walls! ) Gross!
Saturday sounds like a plan already :) Will let you know when I leave home and we can meet up at the station...
Me:
I laughed out loud at your gossip of J and the microwave. Awesome.
The station is 2 foot from my house so even if you called when you were there thats fine. From my house I can be there in about one minute. Unless I was pantless. In which case 2.
Hey little pineapple head! Hows tricks? Interested in coming over to mine on Saturday?
Andy:
Yes I would love to come!! I will definately be there. Just two questions:
1) Can I bring my mum?
2) Will I be safe? I heard it was a very dangerous area full of undesirables.
Me:
Phew to you coming. Was worried it was just going to be me and M sharing a bed etc etc.
1) Yes you can bring your mum. She has to tell dirty jokes though.
2) Indeed ol' P Town, as the locals refer to it, is very deep down and dirty. Just tell anyone who asks you're with me and
they'll leave you alone. Also, lock the car doors. No point CAVORTING with danger.
Ro, AKA Schnizzle fo dizzle dirty ratfink (around these parts)
Andy:
Yes I was worried that you and M were going to have to share a bed together as that would be immoral. I hope neither of you snore.
My mother taught me all the dirty jokes I know, or a least until I was put into care at any rate.
Me:
Doesn't look good for you if we are snoring.
Heh to your mum. Same here. We never had the birds and the bees. We had, like, um, the whole planet. Or something. She keeps shouting at my younger sister 'no glove no love' everytime she goes out.
Andy:
For the rest of my life I will remember the words "no glove no love". I now feel dirty......well a little more so than normal anyway.
Anyway, they kept bugging me for directions because APPARENTLY I live in the sticks and just telling them which station to get off at wasn't good enough.So one journey home I photographed sights along the way and pasted them on a word document with comments such as: 'my street' and 'walk down it.' It took a lot longer than I thought it would. I am so computer bored. As in, I can mess about on it and fix stuff but it holds no interest. Unlike my younger brother who loves taking them apart and scattering the pieces around a room then not putting it back together properly so you can see all the wires hanging out when he is using it.
I emailed Mike the directions:
Mike:
You are soooo totally excited.
See you Saturday Gherkin
Me:
A HA. Shut up. Stop mocking my OCD. Those directions took FOREVER. No, seriously. Stupid editing in photoshop, then image maker, then realising they needed to be saved as jpegs otherwise you couldn't open them, then trying to fit them on a page then trying to send them... I kept deciding to give up but I had already done too much... It was just like the time me and my family walked 15 miles round a lake because we had already walked about 5 and going back seemed effort. ANYWAY. If you get lost you are retarded. Fact.
Mike:
Haha, I think we all appreciate the directions - they're a triumph.
Me:
I think Andy is driving over but fucked if I'm going to go photograph the Great Cambridge Roundabout.
Didn't matter anyway since he couldn't open the directions I sent:
Andy:
Dude,
That was the greatest blank document I have ever seen in my life. In terms of blank documents its at least a 9 out of 10.......
I will try and open it from work tomorrow in case of the 1000 to 1 shot that it is my computer!!!!!
Me:
Mike and M could both open it and she was using an *ex-company crappy old falling apart 17 hours to turn on* computer!!!! I can only image what you have at home... I'm thinking it involves tin cans and some string though... or maybe, in Essex, a document won't open unless it is porn related?
Me:
HEY HEY BANANA FO FANNA MANANNA!!!!!!!!
Did you get my directions? I know how free and easy you are deleting stuff!
(Since everyone continues to leave my ex-company, M has to check all the old emails. Sometimes she has up to 3000 emails a day. About 10 are not spam).
M:
Hey hey!
You are in a funky mood, girl! Is it because you can't wait to see me on saturday? ;) I got your directions, laughing!
No gossips. Been so busy, haven't even had a chance to go to the bathroom!
What do you want people to get on Saturday? And what time did you tell them to come over? What shall I bring? Can I come earlier?
Me:
OH MY GOODNESS SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!
Dude. No chance to go to the bathroom???? YIKES. I remember those days... Man. A place where you have no time to go to the toilet and when you do it has to be timed with someone to cover for you. Here I frolick around peeing freely. Actually, not so free. I try and make sure Fernando the scary cleaner isn't loitering. I went in the ladies the other day and I SWEAR he was waiting in there for me. I was like, um, carry on. And he was all, NO COME IN!!!
SO!!!! Saturday!!!! People do not need to bring anything though flowers or similar hostess gifts are always appreciated :)
You only need to bring your sexy self!!! And some pajamas! Also, bring a jumper. Make sure you are warm. We are not in London anymore Toto. This is the COUNTRY. The STICKS. No miniskirts. Ok, the boys can totally wear miniskirts.
M:
Andy came for an afternoon chat but I forgot to tell him that he needs to come in a miniskirt ;) and we talked about me and you going to slovakia and that he's afraid I will sell you for body parts... DON'T WORRY! I WON'T!
Gossip about J: he bought some reduced ready meal from Tesco and it exploded in the microwave! It was some chicken in yellow creamy sauce, so you can imagine the micro. Then he had to clean it up as I was waiting to heat my lunch... when I was passing him with my heated up aubergine+potato dish he was eating that chicken (I only hope he didn't scrape it from the
micro. walls! ) Gross!
Saturday sounds like a plan already :) Will let you know when I leave home and we can meet up at the station...
Me:
I laughed out loud at your gossip of J and the microwave. Awesome.
The station is 2 foot from my house so even if you called when you were there thats fine. From my house I can be there in about one minute. Unless I was pantless. In which case 2.
Thursday 10 April 2008
fancy pants and balls
My pal Steve had a jungle themed fancy dress party to celebrate his leaving to cycle round Africa for 5 months. Possibly my favourite part of it all was going to a fancy dress shop with Mike.
Emails with M:
Me: I am meeting Mike at the station at 6 to go to a fancy dress shop down the road. It'd be cool if you came on Friday but I know the thought of it is so much effort. Claires Accessories is always going to have a jaguar mask even if you change your mind at the last minute I can get it for you. I don't know why I am being so perky about it. I am normally the first to be so lazy.
M: Say hi to Mike from me! That's cool you'll see him :) What is he going to be at the party? A bannana? Hmmm, maybe a caveman... then I will be tempted ;)
Me: He is going to be a jungle man and pretty naked. True Story. The boy is not scared of showing his butt.
M: Ok, then give him at least two kisses on his sweet cheeks and have fun :)
Next Day
M: Good morning. How was last night? Did you have a good time with Mike? And did you see him in his jungleman outfit? :)
Me: Last night was very funny. We walked to the fancy dress shop and it was like something out of a horror film. You had to ring a bell to get in and the animal stuff was way down in the basement and I made Mike go ahead of me. It was all damp and dreary and I swear the masks were covered in real hair. Real PUBIC hair. Also, Mike kept saying '£10??? For a spear?? I could make that out of a twig!' So I was convinced we were going to get murdered and turned into masks.
Also there was this guy dressed up as a Musketeer because he was going to a fancy dress skiing party in France. He was asking me and Mikes opinion on whether he looekd ok and could fit his ski clothes on underneath when crazy shop owner said: 'Well, there is no snow in Switzerland.' We all just looked at her. The Musketeer said: 'Isn't there? Well. I am going to France.'
Crazy shop owner: Yep. No snow in Switzerland. None
Musketeer: Um...isn't there?
CSO: No. And people are going there to ski and there is no snow, None.
Musketeer: Well, that must be disappointing.
This exchange went on FOR AGES. I couldn't look at Mike. In the end I cracked and was all, 'WELL ITS LUCKY HE IS GOING TO FRANCE THEN' which shut her up but Mike lost it a bit and went to study some masks very closely.
Anyway, it was all very weird but I bought a monkey hat thing and mike got some face paint. Then we needed a beer after the trauma of it all.
Random extracts:
M: All the same at this battle field (I would like it much better if it is bottlefield, hmmm)
Me: (to Andy after his old football team asked if he could be goalie for them) Hope football was ok on Saturday and you didn't let any of them balls behind you. I think that's bad. . .
Andy: When playing football it's just as important not to get any balls in the face. I hope you have never had this problem when playing.........
Emails with M:
Me: I am meeting Mike at the station at 6 to go to a fancy dress shop down the road. It'd be cool if you came on Friday but I know the thought of it is so much effort. Claires Accessories is always going to have a jaguar mask even if you change your mind at the last minute I can get it for you. I don't know why I am being so perky about it. I am normally the first to be so lazy.
M: Say hi to Mike from me! That's cool you'll see him :) What is he going to be at the party? A bannana? Hmmm, maybe a caveman... then I will be tempted ;)
Me: He is going to be a jungle man and pretty naked. True Story. The boy is not scared of showing his butt.
M: Ok, then give him at least two kisses on his sweet cheeks and have fun :)
Next Day
M: Good morning. How was last night? Did you have a good time with Mike? And did you see him in his jungleman outfit? :)
Me: Last night was very funny. We walked to the fancy dress shop and it was like something out of a horror film. You had to ring a bell to get in and the animal stuff was way down in the basement and I made Mike go ahead of me. It was all damp and dreary and I swear the masks were covered in real hair. Real PUBIC hair. Also, Mike kept saying '£10??? For a spear?? I could make that out of a twig!' So I was convinced we were going to get murdered and turned into masks.
Also there was this guy dressed up as a Musketeer because he was going to a fancy dress skiing party in France. He was asking me and Mikes opinion on whether he looekd ok and could fit his ski clothes on underneath when crazy shop owner said: 'Well, there is no snow in Switzerland.' We all just looked at her. The Musketeer said: 'Isn't there? Well. I am going to France.'
Crazy shop owner: Yep. No snow in Switzerland. None
Musketeer: Um...isn't there?
CSO: No. And people are going there to ski and there is no snow, None.
Musketeer: Well, that must be disappointing.
This exchange went on FOR AGES. I couldn't look at Mike. In the end I cracked and was all, 'WELL ITS LUCKY HE IS GOING TO FRANCE THEN' which shut her up but Mike lost it a bit and went to study some masks very closely.
Anyway, it was all very weird but I bought a monkey hat thing and mike got some face paint. Then we needed a beer after the trauma of it all.
Random extracts:
M: All the same at this battle field (I would like it much better if it is bottlefield, hmmm)
Me: (to Andy after his old football team asked if he could be goalie for them) Hope football was ok on Saturday and you didn't let any of them balls behind you. I think that's bad. . .
Andy: When playing football it's just as important not to get any balls in the face. I hope you have never had this problem when playing.........
Wednesday 9 April 2008
woooooooooooooooooo
I met up with some pals last week. Elizabeth and Sarah have just moved into new place so me and Cor went over. Also Cor was going on holiday with them and was stressing about a belt she had left there that she wanted to take. She hadn't done her washing, packed, bought toiletries, got euros etc but the belt was her most important thing to do.
Anyway, Cor works in the British Museum and regularly trips down to the basement for something. Apparently, recently, she keeps seeing ghosts. My first reaction is to mock and laugh because ghosts do not exist. But then Liz's mum was there at the house and saying she totally believes in them and sees them. Liz also says she sees ghosts and has seen her ex-boyfriends Grandad who spoke to her. She told her boyfriend what he said and it was stuff only him and his Grandad would have known.
Elizabeth also said she hears her sister in her head and regularly phones her to ask whats up or whatever and her sister will be all, stop listening to me in your head. So, thats weird. Then Sarah says she heard her friend have his car accident and die in her dream. Dude.
Liz's mum started telling Cor to 'let the spirits in' and to confront them. To say 'Ok I am listening' or something like that. Or to say that they could talk to her in her dream.
Anyway. It was all very freaky deaky and I am a massive hedge better in that I am not going to say they dont exist because then they will all come get me whilst I am driving home alone in the dark.
Mainly I think your imagination and brain are massively powerful and you fixate or imagine something enough you can convince yourself you heard it or that it happened. Put yourself in a spooky basement with mummies and when you are already quite a fraidy cat of course you are going to freak yourself out.
I remember watching a programme about ghosts once and a lady said a ghost grabbed her ankle and pulled her down the bed. She still lives in the same house and sees the ghost occasionally. Whenever I am half freaked out in bed I always think of that story and begin to feel a hand slowly creep round my ankle.
I drove Cor home later and she said. 'No way am I telling some freaky ghosts they can come visit me whilst I am sleeping.'
Anyway, Cor works in the British Museum and regularly trips down to the basement for something. Apparently, recently, she keeps seeing ghosts. My first reaction is to mock and laugh because ghosts do not exist. But then Liz's mum was there at the house and saying she totally believes in them and sees them. Liz also says she sees ghosts and has seen her ex-boyfriends Grandad who spoke to her. She told her boyfriend what he said and it was stuff only him and his Grandad would have known.
Elizabeth also said she hears her sister in her head and regularly phones her to ask whats up or whatever and her sister will be all, stop listening to me in your head. So, thats weird. Then Sarah says she heard her friend have his car accident and die in her dream. Dude.
Liz's mum started telling Cor to 'let the spirits in' and to confront them. To say 'Ok I am listening' or something like that. Or to say that they could talk to her in her dream.
Anyway. It was all very freaky deaky and I am a massive hedge better in that I am not going to say they dont exist because then they will all come get me whilst I am driving home alone in the dark.
Mainly I think your imagination and brain are massively powerful and you fixate or imagine something enough you can convince yourself you heard it or that it happened. Put yourself in a spooky basement with mummies and when you are already quite a fraidy cat of course you are going to freak yourself out.
I remember watching a programme about ghosts once and a lady said a ghost grabbed her ankle and pulled her down the bed. She still lives in the same house and sees the ghost occasionally. Whenever I am half freaked out in bed I always think of that story and begin to feel a hand slowly creep round my ankle.
I drove Cor home later and she said. 'No way am I telling some freaky ghosts they can come visit me whilst I am sleeping.'
Monday 7 April 2008
massively d.i.y-ed snowage
I had a good weekend. On Friday I went to the leaving drinks of an ex work colleague, Steve. My favourite part of the night was Lorenzo and Marks bet on who could drink a pint of red wine the quickest. Ok, that wasn't fun to watch but the photos of Lorenzo pausing every 10 seconds and putting his pint down to do a little psyching up dance were. Mark won but we all thought he was going to puke so stood far far away.
Also what made me laugh was Lorenzo who kept trying to include the phrase 'Rosie likes massive...' into every conversation. This is because he found a condom in my bag ages ago and he likes to bring it up alllll the time. He told everyone I had a condom designed for a beast basically so now he busts out with 'Rosie likes a massive....challenge.' And people who don't know what he is talking about are all, to me, 'do you? Like what?' Tres amusing.
Then on Saturday me and my sister Sophs drove to Norfolk to see our cousins Gemma, and her 2 children Chloe and Tavi, and Holly. We drove to our aunt and uncles house first because the odds of finding their (separate) new houses were overwhelmingly low, even with the Sat Nav. We both had set of car keys because I have a habit of locking the keys in the car. I guess I didn't figure on us both locking the keys in the car. Luckily Holly has car-breaking-in experience and instructed our uncle on how to bend the door back. I think he was shocked to find his daughter was an experienced felon.
We haven't seen our cousins for ages and it seems so weird that we are all adults. Gemma's children both seem so old. We hadn't seen Tavi and suddenly he was 18 months. Chloe was surprisingly un-shy and kept whispering that she wanted 'to drive in the car with her cousins.' (We are second cousins I think but have all decided that is far far too confusing and now everyones future and present children will all be cousins.)
So we drove into Norwich together and had lunch then went to see Hollys new house then on to Gemmas.
Conversations I really liked:
Pulling into the car park (we had taken two seperate cars with Gemma and Holly both driving):
Gemma: Look at her showing off with her bloody reverse parking.
Then later, after Holly repeatedly (even though she has lived there for years) wandering off in the wrong direction:
Me: Well, she may be able to reverse park but it is going to be bloody miles from where she is supposed to be.
Holly telling us that Gemmas husband Relu loves DIY and Gemma often goes home to find he has painted or hammered or destroyed something.
Holly: Once I went over to find he had cut her sofa into 3 pieces and made a hole in the wall. He had bought a 3 piece suite but couldn't get the old sofa down the stairs and had made a massive hole in the wall. I was like, RELU!!! How do you think the sofa went up there????
Gemma: Yeah but it is because he enlists the help of the mad man down the road. I swear, if Relu had seen some of the things I had seen that man doing.... I drove past him once trying to fit a piano into his people carrier. He was trying to drive and hold it with one hand and he waved at me. I was like, oh my God, WHAT is he doing?
Obviously things like this are very amusing to me and Sophie so we were making them give us other examples. Like the time Relu was trying to wash his car so he attached the hose to the kitchen tap but he attached it to the wrong thing and ended up flooding the kitchen. Gemma came home to him trying to dry the lino and tearing it as he tried to lift it up. And the time she came home and he had repainted the lounge.
Holly: OOOH I haven't heard this. What colour is it?
Gemma: Er...hard to describe...
So obviously when Gemma called home and said 'What the fuck have you done now?' it was tres amusing.
We drove over to see Holly's new house and it is beautiful. My favourite things that happened here were:
Gemma putting Tavi's hat and coat on then shutting him in the garden and sitting down to have a cup of tea. Then her eating a chocolate biscuit and Tavi pointing and pressing his nose against the window and her being all, Tavi I don't know what you want.
Then Chloe came and told us Holly's boyfriend Adam was playing hide and seek and she couldn't find him. Turns out he hadn't told the children he was playing hide and seek and pretty much had just hidden. Holly gave up looking for him and suddenly it started pouring so she bought Chloe and Tavi in. But Adam still maintained his hiding place. It was like something out of David Attenborough - us all with our noses against the windows trying to spot him. We eventually saw some Conifer bushes rustling and him doing a mission impossible style roll through them. I like that he did all that whilst drinking his cup of tea.
Then we drove over to Gemma's house where Relu greeted us with a hammer in his hand. Holly was like, he is always apprehensive when he sees me. Probably because I am so judgmental about stuff he has done. Luckily he had only put up some pictures. One was a random photo of Manhattan. It was alright really. Just incredibly out of place. He had also put up 2 frames that could both hold 2 photos and the top photo in each had slid down. Nothing too drastic though. We all looked at the cracked lino and said nothing. We all looked at the colour of the paint in the lounge. Holly said, she's right, it is hard to describe.
Then me and Sophie drove home, picked up Hawk, and met ma and pa and our brother and sister in the pub for dinner. Nice.
Sunday it snowed A LOT and it was beautiful walking the dogs around the park and through the woods. Apparently it was the most snow London had had for about 20 years. It had all cleared up though by lunchtime and it was really odd to have the sunshine after that.
Also what made me laugh was Lorenzo who kept trying to include the phrase 'Rosie likes massive...' into every conversation. This is because he found a condom in my bag ages ago and he likes to bring it up alllll the time. He told everyone I had a condom designed for a beast basically so now he busts out with 'Rosie likes a massive....challenge.' And people who don't know what he is talking about are all, to me, 'do you? Like what?' Tres amusing.
Then on Saturday me and my sister Sophs drove to Norfolk to see our cousins Gemma, and her 2 children Chloe and Tavi, and Holly. We drove to our aunt and uncles house first because the odds of finding their (separate) new houses were overwhelmingly low, even with the Sat Nav. We both had set of car keys because I have a habit of locking the keys in the car. I guess I didn't figure on us both locking the keys in the car. Luckily Holly has car-breaking-in experience and instructed our uncle on how to bend the door back. I think he was shocked to find his daughter was an experienced felon.
We haven't seen our cousins for ages and it seems so weird that we are all adults. Gemma's children both seem so old. We hadn't seen Tavi and suddenly he was 18 months. Chloe was surprisingly un-shy and kept whispering that she wanted 'to drive in the car with her cousins.' (We are second cousins I think but have all decided that is far far too confusing and now everyones future and present children will all be cousins.)
So we drove into Norwich together and had lunch then went to see Hollys new house then on to Gemmas.
Conversations I really liked:
Pulling into the car park (we had taken two seperate cars with Gemma and Holly both driving):
Gemma: Look at her showing off with her bloody reverse parking.
Then later, after Holly repeatedly (even though she has lived there for years) wandering off in the wrong direction:
Me: Well, she may be able to reverse park but it is going to be bloody miles from where she is supposed to be.
Holly telling us that Gemmas husband Relu loves DIY and Gemma often goes home to find he has painted or hammered or destroyed something.
Holly: Once I went over to find he had cut her sofa into 3 pieces and made a hole in the wall. He had bought a 3 piece suite but couldn't get the old sofa down the stairs and had made a massive hole in the wall. I was like, RELU!!! How do you think the sofa went up there????
Gemma: Yeah but it is because he enlists the help of the mad man down the road. I swear, if Relu had seen some of the things I had seen that man doing.... I drove past him once trying to fit a piano into his people carrier. He was trying to drive and hold it with one hand and he waved at me. I was like, oh my God, WHAT is he doing?
Obviously things like this are very amusing to me and Sophie so we were making them give us other examples. Like the time Relu was trying to wash his car so he attached the hose to the kitchen tap but he attached it to the wrong thing and ended up flooding the kitchen. Gemma came home to him trying to dry the lino and tearing it as he tried to lift it up. And the time she came home and he had repainted the lounge.
Holly: OOOH I haven't heard this. What colour is it?
Gemma: Er...hard to describe...
So obviously when Gemma called home and said 'What the fuck have you done now?' it was tres amusing.
We drove over to see Holly's new house and it is beautiful. My favourite things that happened here were:
Gemma putting Tavi's hat and coat on then shutting him in the garden and sitting down to have a cup of tea. Then her eating a chocolate biscuit and Tavi pointing and pressing his nose against the window and her being all, Tavi I don't know what you want.
Then Chloe came and told us Holly's boyfriend Adam was playing hide and seek and she couldn't find him. Turns out he hadn't told the children he was playing hide and seek and pretty much had just hidden. Holly gave up looking for him and suddenly it started pouring so she bought Chloe and Tavi in. But Adam still maintained his hiding place. It was like something out of David Attenborough - us all with our noses against the windows trying to spot him. We eventually saw some Conifer bushes rustling and him doing a mission impossible style roll through them. I like that he did all that whilst drinking his cup of tea.
Then we drove over to Gemma's house where Relu greeted us with a hammer in his hand. Holly was like, he is always apprehensive when he sees me. Probably because I am so judgmental about stuff he has done. Luckily he had only put up some pictures. One was a random photo of Manhattan. It was alright really. Just incredibly out of place. He had also put up 2 frames that could both hold 2 photos and the top photo in each had slid down. Nothing too drastic though. We all looked at the cracked lino and said nothing. We all looked at the colour of the paint in the lounge. Holly said, she's right, it is hard to describe.
Then me and Sophie drove home, picked up Hawk, and met ma and pa and our brother and sister in the pub for dinner. Nice.
Sunday it snowed A LOT and it was beautiful walking the dogs around the park and through the woods. Apparently it was the most snow London had had for about 20 years. It had all cleared up though by lunchtime and it was really odd to have the sunshine after that.
Friday 4 April 2008
tinfoil hats
On the train home last night was a crazy person. My crazy antenna is finely tuned so I made sure to sit near enough to witness any crazy action but far away enough so it didn't involve me.
So this American tourist with her other American tourist pal got on and crazy sensed foreign and vulnerable and pounced.
Crazy: (to American Tourist 1) Is that your natural hair? (fair question. It was massively permed and orange.)
AM1: Em...yes.
Crazy: I once permed my hair. I had a photoshoot and I wanted to look good for it and I thought a perm was the way to go.
AM1: Right. Ok. I bet that looked real nice honey.
Crazy: Where you from?
AM1:America
Crazy: Ever been to Scotland?
AM1:No can't say I have
Crazy: Because I have a kilt. I wore it to the photoshoot. I had on my kilt and sporran and I had on some nice shoes and the right socks. Not the small socks. You have to wear the big socks with the kilt. Y'know? The big grey ones. Anyway. I did that. The kilt and sporran is everyday wear really. Can wear it all the time. Everyday clothes. Just casual y'know? But smart.
Then the train stopped randomly in the tunnel.
Crazy: I hate when the train stops like this. And they don't tell you what is happening and you just sit here and have to wait and I have places I need to go. I need to maybe go for a photoshoot and...
Train Announcer: Sorry for the delay. We are just waiting for the train in front to leave the station. We will be moving in just a moment.
AM1: There you go sweetie. No problem. Only a minute.
Crazy: But SOMETIMES they don't tell you and you sit here thinking it could be anything. It could be MONSTERS on the track or something and we would be sitting here and noone would know to run away and . .
AM1: Erm...sweetie. That's not likely to happen because . . .
Crazy: And it makes me soooo nervous because they don't say and
Then the train pulled into the station
AM2: Oh look! Our stop!
AM1: Oh, no our stop is. .
AM2: This one!! Ha ahahah ahha Come along Barbara.
Then I got off the train and received a message from my sister saying:
Oh my God there is a complete Alpen head sitting in front of me on the bus and I feel so sick.
That is the worst kind of crazy. The smelling, diseased, sick etc ones. My old business studies teacher had a car accident and it left his balding head covered in scabs. The whole back of it. Gradually they dried but instead of creaming his head up and washing it he left it for ages. Everytime he turned to the blackboard I retched. It put me off business studies totally.
So this American tourist with her other American tourist pal got on and crazy sensed foreign and vulnerable and pounced.
Crazy: (to American Tourist 1) Is that your natural hair? (fair question. It was massively permed and orange.)
AM1: Em...yes.
Crazy: I once permed my hair. I had a photoshoot and I wanted to look good for it and I thought a perm was the way to go.
AM1: Right. Ok. I bet that looked real nice honey.
Crazy: Where you from?
AM1:America
Crazy: Ever been to Scotland?
AM1:No can't say I have
Crazy: Because I have a kilt. I wore it to the photoshoot. I had on my kilt and sporran and I had on some nice shoes and the right socks. Not the small socks. You have to wear the big socks with the kilt. Y'know? The big grey ones. Anyway. I did that. The kilt and sporran is everyday wear really. Can wear it all the time. Everyday clothes. Just casual y'know? But smart.
Then the train stopped randomly in the tunnel.
Crazy: I hate when the train stops like this. And they don't tell you what is happening and you just sit here and have to wait and I have places I need to go. I need to maybe go for a photoshoot and...
Train Announcer: Sorry for the delay. We are just waiting for the train in front to leave the station. We will be moving in just a moment.
AM1: There you go sweetie. No problem. Only a minute.
Crazy: But SOMETIMES they don't tell you and you sit here thinking it could be anything. It could be MONSTERS on the track or something and we would be sitting here and noone would know to run away and . .
AM1: Erm...sweetie. That's not likely to happen because . . .
Crazy: And it makes me soooo nervous because they don't say and
Then the train pulled into the station
AM2: Oh look! Our stop!
AM1: Oh, no our stop is. .
AM2: This one!! Ha ahahah ahha Come along Barbara.
Then I got off the train and received a message from my sister saying:
Oh my God there is a complete Alpen head sitting in front of me on the bus and I feel so sick.
That is the worst kind of crazy. The smelling, diseased, sick etc ones. My old business studies teacher had a car accident and it left his balding head covered in scabs. The whole back of it. Gradually they dried but instead of creaming his head up and washing it he left it for ages. Everytime he turned to the blackboard I retched. It put me off business studies totally.
Thursday 3 April 2008
sinners
An email exchange with M regarding MS and how I told her (when I was told strictly not to. Whoops) that he kept asking me out because apparently I said if he could open my bra with one hand I would sleep with him and now he thinks that is, like, fact. Also, I don't remember even saying it (although . . I mayyyy have been drinking).
ME: Just got a text from MS asking if I was coming to the pub this evening (remember you are not aware of what I told you the other evening) and that he had bought me a DVD. I wonder what it is. With him it could be ANYTHING
M:Love is in the air.......... lalala
Of course, you didn't tell me a thing, in fact I already forgot. What thing? What are you talking about? Who's MS?
Yeah, I would be more worried than excited about the DVD!!! Let's see what it is!
ME: Haven't texted him back yet... dunno what to say. And well done secret squirrel. We spoke about nothing on Wednesday. In fact, we didnt even meet on Wednesday. Who are you again?
M: Text him that it had better be an Oscar winning movie! Why am I talking to you? Are you real? Or is it just a voice in my head?
ME: I texted him and asked if it was Charlies Angels. He said:
"well i havent bought u one i have brought u one though with such cultural aspirations as charlies angels looks like you could do with some culture break from norf london"
This is an exact wording of his message. I dont understand it so not replying. And yes I am just a voice in your head! Wooooooooooooo buy Rosie a drinkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk woooooo
M: Everybody's looking forward to seeing you in the pub later. Davis can't do today 'cause they have men only church session. I asked him if they talk about sex. Probably that explains why he ran away :)
ME: Laughing at you asking Davis whether the men only session is about sex. I bet it is. Sex and how to abstain from it and how 'more than 3 shakes is a sin.' I think everyone is looking forward to a Friday drink more than seeing me.
M: Maybe it's only me then.. Andy is wearing a light blue shirt today. I told him that he never knows, he might get lucky tonight!
ME: Why does a light blue shirt mean he might get lucky? Are you telling me it makes him look like a fox?
M: He looks hot! ;) He never wears shirts, only T-shirts and jumpers..
ME: He only wears shirts when he hasn't done his washing
M:I know... he told me!
ME: I think that means we have both been working there too long... sad man.
M: All the alcoholics left for pub already (Alicja, Andy, Lorenzo, Ben, Mark)... I will follow them soon :) It might take you quite a time to get here, so you better hurry up!
....
M: Off now... see you in a bit:)
Later, in the pub, I made Andy explain to her what '3 shakes is a sin' meant. HA
ME: Just got a text from MS asking if I was coming to the pub this evening (remember you are not aware of what I told you the other evening) and that he had bought me a DVD. I wonder what it is. With him it could be ANYTHING
M:Love is in the air.......... lalala
Of course, you didn't tell me a thing, in fact I already forgot. What thing? What are you talking about? Who's MS?
Yeah, I would be more worried than excited about the DVD!!! Let's see what it is!
ME: Haven't texted him back yet... dunno what to say. And well done secret squirrel. We spoke about nothing on Wednesday. In fact, we didnt even meet on Wednesday. Who are you again?
M: Text him that it had better be an Oscar winning movie! Why am I talking to you? Are you real? Or is it just a voice in my head?
ME: I texted him and asked if it was Charlies Angels. He said:
"well i havent bought u one i have brought u one though with such cultural aspirations as charlies angels looks like you could do with some culture break from norf london"
This is an exact wording of his message. I dont understand it so not replying. And yes I am just a voice in your head! Wooooooooooooo buy Rosie a drinkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk woooooo
M: Everybody's looking forward to seeing you in the pub later. Davis can't do today 'cause they have men only church session. I asked him if they talk about sex. Probably that explains why he ran away :)
ME: Laughing at you asking Davis whether the men only session is about sex. I bet it is. Sex and how to abstain from it and how 'more than 3 shakes is a sin.' I think everyone is looking forward to a Friday drink more than seeing me.
M: Maybe it's only me then.. Andy is wearing a light blue shirt today. I told him that he never knows, he might get lucky tonight!
ME: Why does a light blue shirt mean he might get lucky? Are you telling me it makes him look like a fox?
M: He looks hot! ;) He never wears shirts, only T-shirts and jumpers..
ME: He only wears shirts when he hasn't done his washing
M:I know... he told me!
ME: I think that means we have both been working there too long... sad man.
M: All the alcoholics left for pub already (Alicja, Andy, Lorenzo, Ben, Mark)... I will follow them soon :) It might take you quite a time to get here, so you better hurry up!
....
M: Off now... see you in a bit:)
Later, in the pub, I made Andy explain to her what '3 shakes is a sin' meant. HA
Wednesday 2 April 2008
ho bags and curry
I saw a really old wrinkled lady buying Number 7's protect and perfect serum. This made me think for ages. Like, is it worth using that now? But then, well, you don't want any more wrinkles. Though there is nowhere else they could fit on her face...
On Good Friday my brother Jamie came home from uni for the weekend. As a whole family we went out for dinner. My favourite sentence was Jamie struggling to read 'hor d'ourves.'
Jamie: Hor ... hor.. hmm.
Me: *pronouncing it for him* y'know...starter
Jamie: I think you'l find the whore comes after the meal.
On Good Friday my brother Jamie came home from uni for the weekend. As a whole family we went out for dinner. My favourite sentence was Jamie struggling to read 'hor d'ourves.'
Jamie: Hor ... hor.. hmm.
Me: *pronouncing it for him* y'know...starter
Jamie: I think you'l find the whore comes after the meal.
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