Friday 30 May 2008
zzzzz
Starbucks' 'Rise and Shine' muffin is doing nothing to counteract M's 'just one more glass' drinking style.
Thursday 29 May 2008
sweet talking
M: I think MS really likes you!
Rosie: Nah. Think he is just working his way round the laydeeeees.
Later ...
Rosie: MS is sad because noone will go to a concert with him on Saturday. I said to ask R and he said no because they aren't really talking at the moment after he told R's girlfriend she should go on a diet. I was like, is she big then. He said 'a beached whale.' I was like, bigger than me? And he was like, nah, the same. And I was like IT WOULD NEVER HAVE WORKED BETWEEN US DUDE.
Rosie: Nah. Think he is just working his way round the laydeeeees.
Later ...
Rosie: MS is sad because noone will go to a concert with him on Saturday. I said to ask R and he said no because they aren't really talking at the moment after he told R's girlfriend she should go on a diet. I was like, is she big then. He said 'a beached whale.' I was like, bigger than me? And he was like, nah, the same. And I was like IT WOULD NEVER HAVE WORKED BETWEEN US DUDE.
Wednesday 28 May 2008
Tuesday 27 May 2008
red hot chilli pepper
From: Rosie
To: Cor
Subject: Lazy Chillis
Hey Cor,
How are you today? How was your weekend? Mainly, I slept. I slept so much that I was getting up at 9. But then having a nap at 12. And again at 5. And so on and so forth.
Last night I cooked dinner for everyone and mum was all 'PUT SOME CHILLI IN IT' because she is a chilli fiend. Anyway. I cut a chilli up into tiny pieces for the sauce and had a total spaz moment and thought I would taste a tiny piece. Now. Some chillis are very mild. They taste like pepper. This chilli was not of that variety and, in fact, even though I only managed to lick it, it gave me 3rd degree burns on my chin and forehead. I had to drink a lot of wine to counteract the chilli but it didn't really work. Also, the chilli pain did not stop there. It got up my fingers nails and everytime I touched something it felt like I was sticking hot needles up my nails. I will not go into it in detail but suffice to say there was a lot of showering last night and vows not to touch a chilli again.
ANDDDDDDDD that pretty much sums up my weekend! Sleeping and chillis.
From: Hawk
To: Rosie
Hey hey,
Hope you have recovered from your chin burning yesterday (or at least stopped moaning about it anyway)
Um. Guess not.
To: Cor
Subject: Lazy Chillis
Hey Cor,
How are you today? How was your weekend? Mainly, I slept. I slept so much that I was getting up at 9. But then having a nap at 12. And again at 5. And so on and so forth.
Last night I cooked dinner for everyone and mum was all 'PUT SOME CHILLI IN IT' because she is a chilli fiend. Anyway. I cut a chilli up into tiny pieces for the sauce and had a total spaz moment and thought I would taste a tiny piece. Now. Some chillis are very mild. They taste like pepper. This chilli was not of that variety and, in fact, even though I only managed to lick it, it gave me 3rd degree burns on my chin and forehead. I had to drink a lot of wine to counteract the chilli but it didn't really work. Also, the chilli pain did not stop there. It got up my fingers nails and everytime I touched something it felt like I was sticking hot needles up my nails. I will not go into it in detail but suffice to say there was a lot of showering last night and vows not to touch a chilli again.
ANDDDDDDDD that pretty much sums up my weekend! Sleeping and chillis.
From: Hawk
To: Rosie
Hey hey,
Hope you have recovered from your chin burning yesterday (or at least stopped moaning about it anyway)
Um. Guess not.
Sunday 25 May 2008
home towns
Me: Wondering what to do this evening. You fancy me coming over with a bottle of JD?
BC: Hey, sounds good!!!
Me: Ok, will drive over, see you soon.
BC: Where are you?
Me: Um...about 10 minutes away I think
BC: Any landmarks?
Me: Some stupid roundabouts....andddddd some prostitutes
BC: Welcome to Essex!
BC: Hey, sounds good!!!
Me: Ok, will drive over, see you soon.
BC: Where are you?
Me: Um...about 10 minutes away I think
BC: Any landmarks?
Me: Some stupid roundabouts....andddddd some prostitutes
BC: Welcome to Essex!
Friday 23 May 2008
duty of care
There was a fire drill today at work so, as fire marshall, I had to make sure my team got out the building safely. I was the only marshall not wearing an orange armband. It all went well and we had our debriefing session. Bit worrying that the guy giving the session had to read his pad to tell everyone which company he was from but whatev. His tips for us were: 1 - Help the pregnant and disabled. 2 - Do not breathe in the smoke, if possible. OH OK THANKS.
Happy
Last night I went to the leaving drinks of 2 people from my ex company. Loads of people turned up and toasted their escape.
Today one of my absolute bestest most amazing pals, M, got offered a new job and gets to leave that place too. I am so happy for them all but hearing M's news has put me on one of the highest of highs ever. I cannot explain how hard she worked for little or no appreciation. For the amount of shit she put up with over the years. No one possibly deserves the new, highly paid, good bonussed, excellent benefits job she was offered more than her.
I am thinking she is going to enjoy her bank holiday weekend a whole heap and I am looking forward to the celebratory drinks. My liver is not.
Today one of my absolute bestest most amazing pals, M, got offered a new job and gets to leave that place too. I am so happy for them all but hearing M's news has put me on one of the highest of highs ever. I cannot explain how hard she worked for little or no appreciation. For the amount of shit she put up with over the years. No one possibly deserves the new, highly paid, good bonussed, excellent benefits job she was offered more than her.
I am thinking she is going to enjoy her bank holiday weekend a whole heap and I am looking forward to the celebratory drinks. My liver is not.
Thursday 22 May 2008
disbelief
Last night, midnight.
Lulu: Rosieeeee can I sleep in yourrrr bed tonight? There's a mouse in my rooom.
Me: What? A mouse? A mouse in your room? Are you asleep?
Lulu: NOOOOO there really is a mouse in my rooooooom
Me: Ok. Night night
This morning, in the bathroom with my mother:
Mum: Where's Lulu?
Me: In my bed because there was a mouse in her room last night
Mum: What? A mouse? Was she pissed?
2 minutes later:
Mum: Marrrrrrrrrrrrrk. Mark! Lulu says there is a mouse in her room.
Dad: A mouse? Is she pissed?
Mum: THAT'S WHAT I SAID
Lulu: Rosieeeee can I sleep in yourrrr bed tonight? There's a mouse in my rooom.
Me: What? A mouse? A mouse in your room? Are you asleep?
Lulu: NOOOOO there really is a mouse in my rooooooom
Me: Ok. Night night
This morning, in the bathroom with my mother:
Mum: Where's Lulu?
Me: In my bed because there was a mouse in her room last night
Mum: What? A mouse? Was she pissed?
2 minutes later:
Mum: Marrrrrrrrrrrrrk. Mark! Lulu says there is a mouse in her room.
Dad: A mouse? Is she pissed?
Mum: THAT'S WHAT I SAID
Wednesday 21 May 2008
brave man stupid man
Me: About 5 minutes ago, A went to the mens toilets, which I can see from the window in my door. But the door was locked so he went back to his desk. He waited 5 minutes then tried again but the door was still locked. Really really loudly he shouted for Fernando the cleaner, yelling 'Fernanddddddddoooooo have you locked the toilets?????' (sometimes Fernando locks them but I dont know why. Cleaning mystery).
And Fernando yells back: 'nooooooooo why??????? Can't you opennnn the doooooooooor???'
A: 'NOOOOOO its be locked for agessssssssssssssss'.
So Fernando comes over and tries the door. Rattling it and pushing. . . and then this Chinese guy comes out with the REDDEST face. I was all, who wasnt expecting that to happen. How embarrassing.
Sade: Really laughing!!!!!!!!!!! The poor Chinese bloke. Was probably thinking he could have a good old strain in private and wasn't expecting the entire company to be a party to it. Also, laughing at 'cleaning mystery'
Me: I was just watching it all unfold and was like, pooor poooor bastard. Fernando has many cleaning mysteries. Mainly staring in through my window for hours until I happen to glance up.
Jess: OH GOD LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AT THAT!!! That poooor man!! I don't think I would have had the courage to come out at all!!!
Me: I swear, I sat here with my hand over my mouth like, should I intervene? He came out, head down, and marched up the stairs. A and Fernando just started giggling. A was like, I might leave it for a bit actually.
Sade: Snorted my water out at that!
BRAVE MAN JOKES:
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'
Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'
Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'
And Fernando yells back: 'nooooooooo why??????? Can't you opennnn the doooooooooor???'
A: 'NOOOOOO its be locked for agessssssssssssssss'.
So Fernando comes over and tries the door. Rattling it and pushing. . . and then this Chinese guy comes out with the REDDEST face. I was all, who wasnt expecting that to happen. How embarrassing.
Sade: Really laughing!!!!!!!!!!! The poor Chinese bloke. Was probably thinking he could have a good old strain in private and wasn't expecting the entire company to be a party to it. Also, laughing at 'cleaning mystery'
Me: I was just watching it all unfold and was like, pooor poooor bastard. Fernando has many cleaning mysteries. Mainly staring in through my window for hours until I happen to glance up.
Jess: OH GOD LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AT THAT!!! That poooor man!! I don't think I would have had the courage to come out at all!!!
Me: I swear, I sat here with my hand over my mouth like, should I intervene? He came out, head down, and marched up the stairs. A and Fernando just started giggling. A was like, I might leave it for a bit actually.
Sade: Snorted my water out at that!
BRAVE MAN JOKES:
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'
Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'
Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'
Tuesday 20 May 2008
brothers and sisters
This particular pair of brother and sister are FOREVER chewing shit up. Pens, paper, bed posts....
Lulu: Can you send me the New Years Eve pics please? What you been up to?
Jame: I will send you the pics in a couple of days, I gotta concentrate on work at the moment. I cannot tell you what I have been up to as it is on a need-to-know basis, but I will tell you one thing, and that is that I bought steak in the shop the other day for £2 instead of £6, which was a bargain and also delicious.
Lulu: Ahh right. I heard about that.. good luck getting it all done for tomorrow. What a bargain that is. Corr. Also, you know that blue squidgey thing with the flour in it...Sophie got it for you for Christmas. Well. Somehow it acidentially got a hole in it. And I can say, for the record, it wasnt flour that was in it. I'm not sure what it was. It tasted like how I think snow tastes like. It wasn't that nice. That steak was probably much nicer. And I dont even like steak.
Lulu: Can you send me the New Years Eve pics please? What you been up to?
Jame: I will send you the pics in a couple of days, I gotta concentrate on work at the moment. I cannot tell you what I have been up to as it is on a need-to-know basis, but I will tell you one thing, and that is that I bought steak in the shop the other day for £2 instead of £6, which was a bargain and also delicious.
Lulu: Ahh right. I heard about that.. good luck getting it all done for tomorrow. What a bargain that is. Corr. Also, you know that blue squidgey thing with the flour in it...Sophie got it for you for Christmas. Well. Somehow it acidentially got a hole in it. And I can say, for the record, it wasnt flour that was in it. I'm not sure what it was. It tasted like how I think snow tastes like. It wasn't that nice. That steak was probably much nicer. And I dont even like steak.
Monday 19 May 2008
offensive to millions
Sophus: Hey ladybird . . . found the best pubs in Hertford tonight. Can you come to mine next w.end and we will go? SXXXXXXXXXXX
Me: I think I have a window in my diary to come to yours doll!!! I have just noticed all this superpoking business going on! Lesbian. And what is going on on your wall? Dirttttttt
Weeing myself - how funny is my wall. My sister is a dirtbag! Did you get the pic of my bum I sent it to everyone by accident! Oh well - I need to stop drinking! So when are you free? Saturday? Friday? SX
Your wall is a shocker! Only on Facebook for minutes and already your dirtbagginess shines through. And your lesbatronic tendencies. Saturday night sounds good to me! And no, no bum picture. I know that cos I still have vision in both eyes
Sounds like a plan stan! You wait you will get the bum! I can't help it I'm a dirtbag thru and thru - been drinking all day - waahoo! sx
Duuuuude I totally got the bum. See you and your sexy ass Saturday. Though it better be beclothen.
Off work sick at the mo, have cold and sickness -yum yum yum! Need to change jobs can you help!
You can be my bitch? The pay is pretty shoddy but you can totally see my boobs.
Ah then it would be worth it - I would volunteer to see those charlies!
One word 'saturday'
Three words - BRING IT ON!
Hey hey. I think you called me earlier but I was on the train and my phone died. Then I got home and flat out forgot to call you back. You totally love me lesbotronically. Don't lie........ I just listened to your message. Sexy.
You're still dirt Ro - You're still DIRT! When we gonna hook up again - and whats up - any news? sx
Har. You left it. Sullying my voice mail. I have a new job! woooooooooooop. That is le gossip. We can hook up again next month some time innit. My last day here is next Friday and im finking im gonna be having a drink. Or 7. And this weekend i have shit planned. Anyway. So we will pick a March type date and I'll come see you and you'll get all lesbotronic on my ass and i'll be all, Sophs how many times, i like you an all, and you'll be going, just once! and i'll say, ha, you will never be able to have this just once! And you'll be all, ok ok fine but then you'll try and get me drunk and i'll be all, dont tihnk i dont know what you are trying to do lord knows i have done it enough, anyway. you'll cry and be all sad and rejected and so see you soon yeh? cool
You're so funny- So new job - eh? What - where . . . etc? I'm so glad for you! Are you going to replace Summer in Hollyoaks and then become a big West End STAR! sx
For sure. I'm all over that Edelweisssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Edelweisssssssssssssss and frolicking over the mountains.
Whats new with you anyway? I hear (lurking and stalking your comments) that you also have a new job? Is high class lesbian call girl really what you want to do? What? Oh, sorry, its just, y'know, i misunderstood when you mentioned 'bushes'
Yo Dolly . . . Keeping missing each other on the phone! So you got an Azalea as your leaving pressie then? Hows work going? Any nice boys to have a cheeky flirt with! sx
You know why i am laughing? Because you knew what plant that was. Big ol gardening lesbian. New job is going well. When are we going to meet for a love up catchup?
I know I'm so sad!!!! Well whip me with a palm leaf and call me lesley! Free for your love up time - all the time. yagetme!
Ye home dog! Its been bare time mate. We will arrange something soon but I aint whippin u with no foliage aittttttttt.
Touch me cos you want to not because you can sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx all over you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx including your toes XXXXXXXXXXX
Oi you big smelly head. When are we meeting and drinking? Also, did you try and call me yesterday? Looked like a countrified lezzer type number
When are you free? Yes tried to call you . . . you didn't answer so i got off with someone else. sx
I am free on saturday. Is this convenient for you or do you have some other lesbian type farmerish activities to attend to?
Can't do Saturday this week . . . are you free next w.end? sx
Sounds like a plan little bush monkey.
Are you free Wednesday night this week? Come eat and drink on me . . . naked?sx
Well y'know, there is little I like more... x
Me: I think I have a window in my diary to come to yours doll!!! I have just noticed all this superpoking business going on! Lesbian. And what is going on on your wall? Dirttttttt
Weeing myself - how funny is my wall. My sister is a dirtbag! Did you get the pic of my bum I sent it to everyone by accident! Oh well - I need to stop drinking! So when are you free? Saturday? Friday? SX
Your wall is a shocker! Only on Facebook for minutes and already your dirtbagginess shines through. And your lesbatronic tendencies. Saturday night sounds good to me! And no, no bum picture. I know that cos I still have vision in both eyes
Sounds like a plan stan! You wait you will get the bum! I can't help it I'm a dirtbag thru and thru - been drinking all day - waahoo! sx
Duuuuude I totally got the bum. See you and your sexy ass Saturday. Though it better be beclothen.
Off work sick at the mo, have cold and sickness -yum yum yum! Need to change jobs can you help!
You can be my bitch? The pay is pretty shoddy but you can totally see my boobs.
Ah then it would be worth it - I would volunteer to see those charlies!
One word 'saturday'
Three words - BRING IT ON!
Hey hey. I think you called me earlier but I was on the train and my phone died. Then I got home and flat out forgot to call you back. You totally love me lesbotronically. Don't lie........ I just listened to your message. Sexy.
You're still dirt Ro - You're still DIRT! When we gonna hook up again - and whats up - any news? sx
Har. You left it. Sullying my voice mail. I have a new job! woooooooooooop. That is le gossip. We can hook up again next month some time innit. My last day here is next Friday and im finking im gonna be having a drink. Or 7. And this weekend i have shit planned. Anyway. So we will pick a March type date and I'll come see you and you'll get all lesbotronic on my ass and i'll be all, Sophs how many times, i like you an all, and you'll be going, just once! and i'll say, ha, you will never be able to have this just once! And you'll be all, ok ok fine but then you'll try and get me drunk and i'll be all, dont tihnk i dont know what you are trying to do lord knows i have done it enough, anyway. you'll cry and be all sad and rejected and so see you soon yeh? cool
You're so funny- So new job - eh? What - where . . . etc? I'm so glad for you! Are you going to replace Summer in Hollyoaks and then become a big West End STAR! sx
For sure. I'm all over that Edelweisssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Edelweisssssssssssssss and frolicking over the mountains.
Whats new with you anyway? I hear (lurking and stalking your comments) that you also have a new job? Is high class lesbian call girl really what you want to do? What? Oh, sorry, its just, y'know, i misunderstood when you mentioned 'bushes'
Yo Dolly . . . Keeping missing each other on the phone! So you got an Azalea as your leaving pressie then? Hows work going? Any nice boys to have a cheeky flirt with! sx
You know why i am laughing? Because you knew what plant that was. Big ol gardening lesbian. New job is going well. When are we going to meet for a love up catchup?
I know I'm so sad!!!! Well whip me with a palm leaf and call me lesley! Free for your love up time - all the time. yagetme!
Ye home dog! Its been bare time mate. We will arrange something soon but I aint whippin u with no foliage aittttttttt.
Touch me cos you want to not because you can sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx all over you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx including your toes XXXXXXXXXXX
Oi you big smelly head. When are we meeting and drinking? Also, did you try and call me yesterday? Looked like a countrified lezzer type number
When are you free? Yes tried to call you . . . you didn't answer so i got off with someone else. sx
I am free on saturday. Is this convenient for you or do you have some other lesbian type farmerish activities to attend to?
Can't do Saturday this week . . . are you free next w.end? sx
Sounds like a plan little bush monkey.
Are you free Wednesday night this week? Come eat and drink on me . . . naked?sx
Well y'know, there is little I like more... x
Sunday 18 May 2008
she's beauty and she's grace...
Me: Hey Davis
proffessord: Yo Ro. Whats up? Whats up? I am in American mode today. Yo, Yo, Yo
Me: Nice. What happens in American mode? I am in clumsy mode. I poured a glass of freezing water down my cleavage in the middle of a meeting and then spilt a whole cup of tea over my trousers.
proffessord: Indeed. I won't even image how you did the first thing.
Me: I was carrying 2 coffees and a glass of water. The sleeve of my top slipped down my arm so I pulled it up, forgetting I had a glass of water in that hand, and tipped it down my shirt
proffessord: Try not to spill things. Or you will end up looking not so clever.
Me: It does not matter if I spill something right now since I got an account! Going out for a celebratory drink this eve x
proffessord: That sounds so nice. I am happy that you are in a place where you are appreciated. Sanjay say whats up Ro.
Me: Tell Sanjay all his teachings has paid off and I got my first account yesterday.
proffessord: He said can he please have his commision then. He also said we are looking forward to a wet T-shirt competition. The minds of some people.
Me: HA. Luckily I am wearing a black shirt and not white. Though maybe wet t shirts are the way to win clients. Is that how Sanjay does it then? All coming out now.
proffessord: He said it has worked for him all along.
proffessord: Yo Ro. Whats up? Whats up? I am in American mode today. Yo, Yo, Yo
Me: Nice. What happens in American mode? I am in clumsy mode. I poured a glass of freezing water down my cleavage in the middle of a meeting and then spilt a whole cup of tea over my trousers.
proffessord: Indeed. I won't even image how you did the first thing.
Me: I was carrying 2 coffees and a glass of water. The sleeve of my top slipped down my arm so I pulled it up, forgetting I had a glass of water in that hand, and tipped it down my shirt
proffessord: Try not to spill things. Or you will end up looking not so clever.
Me: It does not matter if I spill something right now since I got an account! Going out for a celebratory drink this eve x
proffessord: That sounds so nice. I am happy that you are in a place where you are appreciated. Sanjay say whats up Ro.
Me: Tell Sanjay all his teachings has paid off and I got my first account yesterday.
proffessord: He said can he please have his commision then. He also said we are looking forward to a wet T-shirt competition. The minds of some people.
Me: HA. Luckily I am wearing a black shirt and not white. Though maybe wet t shirts are the way to win clients. Is that how Sanjay does it then? All coming out now.
proffessord: He said it has worked for him all along.
Saturday 17 May 2008
100% proof
Sanjay: So how was Slovakia??
Me: Absolutely fantastic. Don't bother going for a while. I drank all the wine and ate all the food
Sanjay: I might be going for different reasons .. women .. just joking ...
Me: The hot women are back in London anyway
Sanjay: Drunk ..
Me: Har. Yeah. I didn't like to stand near any open flames whilst I was there. Was definitely flammable. Her mum was giving us homemade 50% shots for breakfast. And her dad made me try all his Slovakian wine. I can confirm every bottle was delicious.
Sanjay: Well as long as you have not returned an alcholic . .
Me: I did not RETURN as one
Sanjay: You were one when you left !!!
Me: Absolutely fantastic. Don't bother going for a while. I drank all the wine and ate all the food
Sanjay: I might be going for different reasons .. women .. just joking ...
Me: The hot women are back in London anyway
Sanjay: Drunk ..
Me: Har. Yeah. I didn't like to stand near any open flames whilst I was there. Was definitely flammable. Her mum was giving us homemade 50% shots for breakfast. And her dad made me try all his Slovakian wine. I can confirm every bottle was delicious.
Sanjay: Well as long as you have not returned an alcholic . .
Me: I did not RETURN as one
Sanjay: You were one when you left !!!
Friday 16 May 2008
she's a vildddd voooooman
Me:Telling a nice guy that you think they were taking advantage of a drunk woman and that they are a sexual predator is probably the worst thing you can say to a man.
M: I thought that was: 'is it in yet?'
Me: I just looked up and the crazy cleaner was staring at me through the door, O HI THERE CRAZY
M: Oh, you sexy chick
Me: Luckily I wasn't scratching my butt or something innit. And I don't think sexy has anything to do with it. I just think it is a matter of proximity. I think I give out some ... sign .... please approach me. And if you could also be weirdly pervy, that would be cool.
M: Signs that only crazy people can read?
Me: Yep
M: Cool! you dirty bitch :)
Me: So the part about them being all weird and pervy went over your head then?
M: Doing f***ing lateness sheet! Such a wais of time! waist? west?
Me: Waste
M: Coast?
Me: Vaaaaaaste
M: That's what I meant!!!
M: Since you left, there's noone here to make me laugh ;'( ok, maybe pickle and dirty... I'm not complaining though! At least I have time to look for new job and be more motivated to get my ass out of here!
Me: God. Stop. You are totally bringing me down man. Joke. You have to remind yourself that you have a banging body and a sexy sex life and a vicked sense of humour and I love you. DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER NOW? Ain't nothing better than the love of a good woman. Shame you only get the love of a bad vooooooman. But still.
M: Oh, you just made my day much better! I love you too! I'm all good and happy that's it's nice weather! AND!!!!!!!!!! I talked to my mom yesterday... and Denise is expecting another GIRL :) they will be three pricesses like in fairy tales but now all the pressure is on me to have a baby boy! OMG!
Me: I love you M but we cannot have babies together. I'm sorry
Me: S asked me to buy some paper towels for the kitchen. I said what is wrong with nicking them from the toilet like everyone else? Though apparently it is just me that does that. So I stole the whole bunch that was in there and put them in the kitchen.
M: Hehehehehehehe. That's *ex company* style! Noone else think this way! We are brainwashed the minute since we walked into this office
Me: As soon as I said it and he looked at me blankly I was like, stealing paper towels from the toilet is so *ex company* isn't it? It's like being schizophrenic. Trying to hide the *ex company* training.
Me: First first aid moment M! Some guy working in the hallway cut open his finger. I totally bandaged that sucker up. Well, put a plaster on it anyway.
M: I knew you were the best fire and first aid marshall in one!
Me: I KNOW. And I advised him to have a soothing cup of tea
M: The medical AND psychological help, nice!
Me: And I showed him my boobs to distract him from the pain (I learnt that on the Long Kiss Goodnight)
M: Good one! :D But be honest. Is that the reason he cut himself in the first place?
M: Fucking Dick Head just called and I told him about the book and he asked me soooo many other questions about the book and I was replying obviously very annoyingly... then he was like: M, am I giving you headache? and I said yes... then he was like, ok just send me the link and I will have a look at it tomorrow.
Me: HIGH FIVE. VIIIIIIIIILD VOOOOOOOOOMAN
M: I thought that was: 'is it in yet?'
Me: I just looked up and the crazy cleaner was staring at me through the door, O HI THERE CRAZY
M: Oh, you sexy chick
Me: Luckily I wasn't scratching my butt or something innit. And I don't think sexy has anything to do with it. I just think it is a matter of proximity. I think I give out some ... sign .... please approach me. And if you could also be weirdly pervy, that would be cool.
M: Signs that only crazy people can read?
Me: Yep
M: Cool! you dirty bitch :)
Me: So the part about them being all weird and pervy went over your head then?
M: Doing f***ing lateness sheet! Such a wais of time! waist? west?
Me: Waste
M: Coast?
Me: Vaaaaaaste
M: That's what I meant!!!
M: Since you left, there's noone here to make me laugh ;'( ok, maybe pickle and dirty... I'm not complaining though! At least I have time to look for new job and be more motivated to get my ass out of here!
Me: God. Stop. You are totally bringing me down man. Joke. You have to remind yourself that you have a banging body and a sexy sex life and a vicked sense of humour and I love you. DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER NOW? Ain't nothing better than the love of a good woman. Shame you only get the love of a bad vooooooman. But still.
M: Oh, you just made my day much better! I love you too! I'm all good and happy that's it's nice weather! AND!!!!!!!!!! I talked to my mom yesterday... and Denise is expecting another GIRL :) they will be three pricesses like in fairy tales but now all the pressure is on me to have a baby boy! OMG!
Me: I love you M but we cannot have babies together. I'm sorry
Me: S asked me to buy some paper towels for the kitchen. I said what is wrong with nicking them from the toilet like everyone else? Though apparently it is just me that does that. So I stole the whole bunch that was in there and put them in the kitchen.
M: Hehehehehehehe. That's *ex company* style! Noone else think this way! We are brainwashed the minute since we walked into this office
Me: As soon as I said it and he looked at me blankly I was like, stealing paper towels from the toilet is so *ex company* isn't it? It's like being schizophrenic. Trying to hide the *ex company* training.
Me: First first aid moment M! Some guy working in the hallway cut open his finger. I totally bandaged that sucker up. Well, put a plaster on it anyway.
M: I knew you were the best fire and first aid marshall in one!
Me: I KNOW. And I advised him to have a soothing cup of tea
M: The medical AND psychological help, nice!
Me: And I showed him my boobs to distract him from the pain (I learnt that on the Long Kiss Goodnight)
M: Good one! :D But be honest. Is that the reason he cut himself in the first place?
M: Fucking Dick Head just called and I told him about the book and he asked me soooo many other questions about the book and I was replying obviously very annoyingly... then he was like: M, am I giving you headache? and I said yes... then he was like, ok just send me the link and I will have a look at it tomorrow.
Me: HIGH FIVE. VIIIIIIIIILD VOOOOOOOOOMAN
Thursday 15 May 2008
nuthin but monkeys
M: The I.T department says hello and send you this photo . . . .JPG)
Me: RUDE. I am going to email that Kiril...
Me: KIRIL! RUDE EMAIL!!
Kiril: i thought you might be missing us and the abuse . . . I'm doing the 2-10 now, Mister Man is working hard to get rid of me ;)
Me: But the place would fall apart if you left! Who will throw slippers and be rude to the staff? I.T stuff might get done. Crazy.
Kiril : Ask me if I care
Me : Do you care?
Kiril : Nope
.JPG)
Me: RUDE. I am going to email that Kiril...
Me: KIRIL! RUDE EMAIL!!
Kiril: i thought you might be missing us and the abuse . . . I'm doing the 2-10 now, Mister Man is working hard to get rid of me ;)
Me: But the place would fall apart if you left! Who will throw slippers and be rude to the staff? I.T stuff might get done. Crazy.
Kiril : Ask me if I care
Me : Do you care?
Kiril : Nope
Wednesday 14 May 2008
housemates
Tanya: Hi Sophie I am not sure if you are still looking for a property so I thought I'd send you the link to a property we have just taken on. If you are still looking and this property is something that you would like to view then call me.
Hawk: We can see it...I have mixed feelings so far.
Soph: I think it's beautiful. Vic said that you can haggle. I.e. say your budget is £1000 and see if they will accept that. That's what she did....Rosie, have you died?
Me: Hiiiii. No. I did not die. Our internet here did yesterday though. There was a building power surge and the lights flickered and the computers splattered. Everyone else got their internet back in seconds. Ours, of course, did not.
Anyway. This place looks a-mayyyyzing. But a little over budget. I agree with saying maybe our budget is lower. Or go see it and see what happens. I am free on Saturday. Good find batman. The ones I saw were poop.
Hawk: I really like the kitchen for this, I think it's too much to pay though and shame it's only a ground floor apartment but I guess that is all we are going to get.
Me: Nah matt. Think positive!!! We almost got a house innit! I mean, if your face hadn't scared the landlord away
Hawk: My face may have scared him, but I bet he heard your singing and that's what scared him out of the deal!!!
Me: I saw the trilby man on the train with me again last night. I swear, you have a brother you don't know about. I mean, how many people can possibly have that same lopsided walk as u?
Hawk: I'll have you know that's the cool hip-hop walk that all the groovy kids are doing these days.
Me: You call it hip hop, I call it Scope-y
Hawk: We can see it...I have mixed feelings so far.
Soph: I think it's beautiful. Vic said that you can haggle. I.e. say your budget is £1000 and see if they will accept that. That's what she did....Rosie, have you died?
Me: Hiiiii. No. I did not die. Our internet here did yesterday though. There was a building power surge and the lights flickered and the computers splattered. Everyone else got their internet back in seconds. Ours, of course, did not.
Anyway. This place looks a-mayyyyzing. But a little over budget. I agree with saying maybe our budget is lower. Or go see it and see what happens. I am free on Saturday. Good find batman. The ones I saw were poop.
Hawk: I really like the kitchen for this, I think it's too much to pay though and shame it's only a ground floor apartment but I guess that is all we are going to get.
Me: Nah matt. Think positive!!! We almost got a house innit! I mean, if your face hadn't scared the landlord away
Hawk: My face may have scared him, but I bet he heard your singing and that's what scared him out of the deal!!!
Me: I saw the trilby man on the train with me again last night. I swear, you have a brother you don't know about. I mean, how many people can possibly have that same lopsided walk as u?
Hawk: I'll have you know that's the cool hip-hop walk that all the groovy kids are doing these days.
Me: You call it hip hop, I call it Scope-y
Tuesday 13 May 2008
fire fire, fire fire, pour on water, pour on water
Me: R made me FIRE MARSHALL. I was all, giving the jobs and responsibilities out free and easily there innit fella. I said on one condition. That I got a fluorescent vest. We shook on it. Anyway. As fire marshall I am aware that there is a pretend fire drill next Friday at 4.30. My team shall, of course, be exemplary. Also, as I said to R, fires, pretend or not, are very scary and I will send my team home afterwards to recover. He said he thinks my team will be very glad of my new job role. I tell you, I AM ALL OVER IT. Reading manuals and shit. No one is gonna frazzle on my watch. Unless I am down Brent Cross and there is a fire and casualties. Then they are screwed and should have considered better giving one person fire marshall and first aider.
R was all, there will be a debrief session for the marshals afterwards. I laughed. Debriefed. Always funny. Anyway. Hopefully
that will be short. I will be all, LOOKIT my team single filed outta that blazing building and are waiting calmly at the fire point. job done. R says I should tell everyone beforehand but that seems like cheating. We'll all be at the fire point before the alarm is even raised.
Sade: Laughing lots, especially at no one gonna fraz on my watch!!!! Fire alarm last week broke up the most boring meeting known to man, but sadly it was bloody freezing then and my coat was two floors away. I did consider going upstairs to get it first, but I thought probably not quite the point of a fire alarm. Spesh as it was a real one.
Me: If it was real, it should have been nice and toasty anyways. I would like to congratulate the perfect timing of our fire drill
next week though. Deffers pub o clock after. Good start to the bank holiday weekend!
R was all, there will be a debrief session for the marshals afterwards. I laughed. Debriefed. Always funny. Anyway. Hopefully
that will be short. I will be all, LOOKIT my team single filed outta that blazing building and are waiting calmly at the fire point. job done. R says I should tell everyone beforehand but that seems like cheating. We'll all be at the fire point before the alarm is even raised.
Sade: Laughing lots, especially at no one gonna fraz on my watch!!!! Fire alarm last week broke up the most boring meeting known to man, but sadly it was bloody freezing then and my coat was two floors away. I did consider going upstairs to get it first, but I thought probably not quite the point of a fire alarm. Spesh as it was a real one.
Me: If it was real, it should have been nice and toasty anyways. I would like to congratulate the perfect timing of our fire drill
next week though. Deffers pub o clock after. Good start to the bank holiday weekend!
Friday 9 May 2008
poetic
This morning, when I got into
work
there was a tramp outside my
window
(I guess he was a tramp)
anyway,
he was standing up
but bent
over
trying to sleep
I took him out a muffin and a coffee
He said thanks
And sat on the step
then he left
I guess to go bend double
outside another office
I don't think that anybody knows him.
To know him would be
to get inside the mind
of a mentalist.
work
there was a tramp outside my
window
(I guess he was a tramp)
anyway,
he was standing up
but bent
over
trying to sleep
I took him out a muffin and a coffee
He said thanks
And sat on the step
then he left
I guess to go bend double
outside another office
I don't think that anybody knows him.
To know him would be
to get inside the mind
of a mentalist.
Friday 2 May 2008
random bananas
I can totally support someone who says they love napping or 'napsies.' Hah.
I went to see a place to rent with Sophs. When we got there the landlady showed us around. One bedroom is huge and the other is a single. The landlady was like, you can't put a double bed in here because i'll have to move some of the stuff out and I have no room for it.
Me:
But where am I going to put all the men I bring home?
Then she told us she was being very picky with who she let rent.
Her:
Not being funny but I am only considering English people. I'm not racist but foreigners are over there and I am here.
Sophie:
My boyfriend is Nigerian.
Another awesome article in the paper recently. I wanna go:
Sugar plump fairies - the super-sized Russian ballerinas
by SARAH CHALMERS
5th February 2007
Thundering onto stage, their size-22 costumes straining at the seams, this troupe of outsized dancers are, quite literally, the biggest ballet stars you are ever likely to see.
They may lack the finesse of Margot Fonteyn or the elegance of Darcey Bussell, but these hefty divas (average weight 20 stone) are on a mission to turn the dance world on its head. And woe betide anyone who stands in their way.
See more pictures of the big ballerinas
They are the stars of The Big Ballet - a unique Russian dance troupe who are about to embark on their first UK tour.
Founded in 1994 by renowned choreographer Evgeny Panfilov, the company's aim is to challenge modern conceptions of grace and nimbleness.
Panfilov, who had built up an impressive reputation leading regular dance troupes, wanted to show that skinny people do not have a monopoly on dancing - and to prove that untrained beginners can be turned into professionals.
Initially, he advertised for teenagers weighing more than 12 stone to audition. But demand for places in the extraordinary troupe is now so high that the weight threshold has been raised to over 17 stone.
In a direct reversal of the slimming-obsessed world of mainstream ballet, any of these girls falling below the recommended minimum weight is offered the chance to regain the extra pounds with the help of a nutritionist.
If they do not, they must relinquish their place for another, larger dancer.
Today, the troupe consists of 16 large women aged between 19 and 28, and six regular-sized male dancers.
But while the leading ladies may be large, they are also surprisingly agile.
"They're really very fit and supple, there's no breathlessness and there are medics on hand to make sure no one is straining their heart or joints," says UK tour publicist Dion Clements.
Along with pirouettes and plies, the dancers even manage the splits - "surprisingly easy to do when you have 120 kilos of down-force", says leading lady Tayana Gladkaya.
In some performances, they are even lifted by the male dancers - although it should be noted that it takes four men to get one woman aloft.
During practice, the dancers use exercise machines to keep themselves supple and their costumes have to be customised to each dancer's measurements (averaging 47-39-47).
Other than that, they say they perform and train as any traditional troupe would.
For their UK tour, they will be performing a parody of traditional excerpts from The Nutcracker and Swan Lake, together with more modern routines set to hits including
Tom Jones's Sex Bomb and the Pet Shop Boys' hit Go West.
None of the members takes themselves too seriously and part of the aim is to make the audience laugh.
But despite the light-hearted approach, there is a serious message.
In an age when anorexia is being diagnosed in ever-younger children and Hollywood is obsessed with the size zero, The Big Ballet gives inspiration to those whose body shapes will never conform to the stick-thin images usually seen on stage and screen.
One member, Katya Yurkowa, says: "From childhood, all of us were large and often taunted as children. I've always loved to dance, so Big Ballet was a great opportunity for me.
"It's hard being teased your whole life then finding the confidence to go on stage and perform in front of so many people, but now I have it and I am so happy.
"We hope we are helping to change the public perception about larger people and encourage big children to take part in sport and dance."
So far, the company have received rave reviews, won over their audiences and even impressed fellow professionals.
"Other regular troupes appreciate the work they put in and how technically difficult some of their performances are," says Dion Clements.
The UK tour, which begins at the end of the month, will see the company give 30 performances at 27 venues across the country. The Big Ballet, it seems, is on a roll.
• For more information visit www.thebigballet.co.uk
I went to see a place to rent with Sophs. When we got there the landlady showed us around. One bedroom is huge and the other is a single. The landlady was like, you can't put a double bed in here because i'll have to move some of the stuff out and I have no room for it.
Me:
But where am I going to put all the men I bring home?
Then she told us she was being very picky with who she let rent.
Her:
Not being funny but I am only considering English people. I'm not racist but foreigners are over there and I am here.
Sophie:
My boyfriend is Nigerian.
Another awesome article in the paper recently. I wanna go:
Sugar plump fairies - the super-sized Russian ballerinas
by SARAH CHALMERS
5th February 2007
Thundering onto stage, their size-22 costumes straining at the seams, this troupe of outsized dancers are, quite literally, the biggest ballet stars you are ever likely to see.
They may lack the finesse of Margot Fonteyn or the elegance of Darcey Bussell, but these hefty divas (average weight 20 stone) are on a mission to turn the dance world on its head. And woe betide anyone who stands in their way.
See more pictures of the big ballerinas
They are the stars of The Big Ballet - a unique Russian dance troupe who are about to embark on their first UK tour.
Founded in 1994 by renowned choreographer Evgeny Panfilov, the company's aim is to challenge modern conceptions of grace and nimbleness.
Panfilov, who had built up an impressive reputation leading regular dance troupes, wanted to show that skinny people do not have a monopoly on dancing - and to prove that untrained beginners can be turned into professionals.
Initially, he advertised for teenagers weighing more than 12 stone to audition. But demand for places in the extraordinary troupe is now so high that the weight threshold has been raised to over 17 stone.
In a direct reversal of the slimming-obsessed world of mainstream ballet, any of these girls falling below the recommended minimum weight is offered the chance to regain the extra pounds with the help of a nutritionist.
If they do not, they must relinquish their place for another, larger dancer.
Today, the troupe consists of 16 large women aged between 19 and 28, and six regular-sized male dancers.
But while the leading ladies may be large, they are also surprisingly agile.
"They're really very fit and supple, there's no breathlessness and there are medics on hand to make sure no one is straining their heart or joints," says UK tour publicist Dion Clements.
Along with pirouettes and plies, the dancers even manage the splits - "surprisingly easy to do when you have 120 kilos of down-force", says leading lady Tayana Gladkaya.
In some performances, they are even lifted by the male dancers - although it should be noted that it takes four men to get one woman aloft.
During practice, the dancers use exercise machines to keep themselves supple and their costumes have to be customised to each dancer's measurements (averaging 47-39-47).
Other than that, they say they perform and train as any traditional troupe would.
For their UK tour, they will be performing a parody of traditional excerpts from The Nutcracker and Swan Lake, together with more modern routines set to hits including
Tom Jones's Sex Bomb and the Pet Shop Boys' hit Go West.
None of the members takes themselves too seriously and part of the aim is to make the audience laugh.
But despite the light-hearted approach, there is a serious message.
In an age when anorexia is being diagnosed in ever-younger children and Hollywood is obsessed with the size zero, The Big Ballet gives inspiration to those whose body shapes will never conform to the stick-thin images usually seen on stage and screen.
One member, Katya Yurkowa, says: "From childhood, all of us were large and often taunted as children. I've always loved to dance, so Big Ballet was a great opportunity for me.
"It's hard being teased your whole life then finding the confidence to go on stage and perform in front of so many people, but now I have it and I am so happy.
"We hope we are helping to change the public perception about larger people and encourage big children to take part in sport and dance."
So far, the company have received rave reviews, won over their audiences and even impressed fellow professionals.
"Other regular troupes appreciate the work they put in and how technically difficult some of their performances are," says Dion Clements.
The UK tour, which begins at the end of the month, will see the company give 30 performances at 27 venues across the country. The Big Ballet, it seems, is on a roll.
• For more information visit www.thebigballet.co.uk
Thursday 1 May 2008
conversations
At the Dentist:
Dentist: *rumaging around in my mouth with his mirror* Do you drink fizzy drinks?
Me: *mumble* no
D: Do you have sugar in your tea or coffee?
Me: no
D: Do you floss regularly?
Me:Yes
D: Eat many sweets?
Me: No
And so on and so on until the phrase 'Please take your tool out my mouth before you ask me any more questions' popped into my head and I almost bit his finger off trying not to giggle
With M:
M: I'm off for lunch soon, will talk later aligator. xxx
Me: In a while crocodile xxx
M: What does rhyme with tomorrow?
Me:BANANA!!!
M: Nuts with chocolate!
Me: HAR
M: xxx
Me: I am going to get some COOKIES xxx
M: I'm going cuckoo
Me: Going? Already are innit mate
M: Alright then!!!
Dentist: *rumaging around in my mouth with his mirror* Do you drink fizzy drinks?
Me: *mumble* no
D: Do you have sugar in your tea or coffee?
Me: no
D: Do you floss regularly?
Me:Yes
D: Eat many sweets?
Me: No
And so on and so on until the phrase 'Please take your tool out my mouth before you ask me any more questions' popped into my head and I almost bit his finger off trying not to giggle
With M:
M: I'm off for lunch soon, will talk later aligator. xxx
Me: In a while crocodile xxx
M: What does rhyme with tomorrow?
Me:BANANA!!!
M: Nuts with chocolate!
Me: HAR
M: xxx
Me: I am going to get some COOKIES xxx
M: I'm going cuckoo
Me: Going? Already are innit mate
M: Alright then!!!
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