cats

Jess: Anyone in?

Me: Sadly, yes

Jess: Me too..... And I've got work to do!!! Outfuckingrageous.

Me: Who asked Santa for a fat man on a sun lounger?
Jess: FD!!!! Dude! I love his paw hanging out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Huntin'...You're doing it wrong!

Jess: OH ffd! LOVE IT!!!!

Sadie: Laughing!

Me: Um. I have nothing to say about this one other than our cat sometimes does a really good impression of a shot elephant. See, he collapses in his basket after a hard day with his bitches. And then the warmth of being in front of the radiator gets too much so he staggers out of his bed and manages to make it about 2 foot and then his head hits the floor with such a thud and he sleeps there for a bit. I wish I was quick enough to film the absolute thud when he hits the ground. I'm like dad, every single time I ask Matt who shot his cat.
Jess: Oh SO laughing!!!!!!!! That is SO good!!!! He's like...well...DEAD.....

Me: I'm all, Clyde, you gotta stop hitting your head so hard mate. It's not like you can afford to lose the brain cells.
I played with him for AGES last night in the lounge. And then I was all, WHY AM I CHASING THE BALLS AND MICE AND YOU ARE JUST BATTING THEM WITH YOUR PAW FROM YOUR BASKET????!!!! Exercising the cat. FAIL

Jess: Laughing......... I left a tap running in the bathroom sink.......sink filled up........overflowed.......kitchen ceiling did MARVELLOUS impression of Niagara Falls...Izzy sat on edge of couch whole time this was happening(about 20 minutes of running water) and just looked at me, then back at the torrent of water...her look said.......washing the kitchen floor? FAILLLLL!

Me: OH MY GOD! Jess! That's badddd man!!! Clyde was waking me up this morning at 5 AS USUAL. He does this really sweet snuggle thing so you sleepily pat him on the head and then he BITES YOU SO HARD so you put all extremities under the covers so the only thing he can do is stick his HUGE face in yours and start nuzzling that so you think it is safe to pat him again and then he BITES YOU SO HARD and, all in all, it is a really terrible way to start your day.

Sadie: Laughing at emails. I have no cats to make me laugh. Just dead flying ants behind the fridge, dead slugs under the bath and probably dead mice under the floorboards.

Jess: Eeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Me: Sadie. Dude. Pets.... FAIL

Sadie: Really really laughing!

Jess: Funny!!!! And dear God...Izzy's breath could sterilize nations.

Me: DUDE!!! That's baddddd! I don't think I could cope with Clyde having bad breath as well as being a poo head! Although I stroked him the other night and a slug stuck to my hand and that made me retch all over the shop so . . I dunno. 6 of one and whatnot.

Jess: Laughing!!!! I give her all the dentibit shit but I swear she's licking SOMEONE'S ass! I couldn't sleep last night..still watching the clock at 3 fu**ing AM! I get up at half 5..but NONE of this was helped by the fact that MY cat could tell I wasn't asleep and kept me even MORE awake with constantly sitting inches away from my nose, purring and wanting attention..........needless to say I had a cappuccino on my way to work...then you realise that half of freakin London is on hols!!!!!

Me: 2 hours sleep and I would be mainlining espresso, no poncey cappucino!!
Izzy sounds sweet! And at least you can be all, hey, lets snuggle at a better time. With Clyde, you take what you can get.

Jess: Dude, Ally bringing me another coffee on her way in.......
She is sweet, she's started a new thing........I'm fast asleep, she mewls to wake me up. I resolutely ignore her and scrunch my eyelids up even tighter.so......she pats my nose with her paw.......I'm lost....I have to laugh and give it up and cuddle her.....
I love Clyde, he is a freakin comedien!

Me: No, see, that is cute. That is how Clyde would begin and the next thing you know your missing a nostril

Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really laughing at that!!!!

Me: He makes me look like a self harmer

Jess: Snarf!

Me: Lookin' like a lion..That's not bad actually

Jess: Oh God he's like a lovely cute furry fluffy black ball...............only YOU know the real truth.

Me: If he wasn't such a clumsy fu*k he'd make a good ninja

Jess: Oh dude!!! FUNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Sadie: I keep snorting. People giving me funny looks.

doughnuts anonymous

S: Look what I have bought!!

Me: . . . doughnuts?

S: YES!

Me: You know that you have a serious doughnut problem don't you?

S: What? Why?

Me: People just don't EAT as many doughnuts as you

S: I don't eat that many!!

Me: Right. Whatever

S: I haven't had a doughnut for ages!

Me: Er.... like . . since MONDAY

S: But that's not many!

Me: If someone asked me how many doughnuts an average person eats in a year I'd say about . . . four.

S: NO WHATEVER

Me: I'd even say 10, maximum. You beat that in a month.

S: WHATEVERRRRRRRRRR

Me: Anyway. I'm off for the afternoon. You can have mine

S: BRILLIANT

shrimppppp

Me: God. I might have to talk to the crazy cleaner whilst you're on Christmas holiday.

Hot Australian Electrician: What's wrong with talking to him anyway?

Me: He's crazy? Plus, there is a definite language barrier and he doesn't know what I am talking about

HAE: That's just because your English is terrible. No one can understand you

Me: That is rude. And blasphemous.

HAE: BlASPHEMOUS??

Me: Whatever. SHRIMP ON THE BAH-BIEEEE

HAE: We don't actually call them shrimp . . we call them ..

Me: PRAWNNNNNNNNNNNS. Ye, I know. S is always telling me that. But, WHATEVER. He comes over here and starts callin me Guv'nor and I start talking about shrimp on the barbie. That's how it works. He has got his English from Dickens and mine is from Dumb and Dumber.

HAE: That's what you and S do all day?

Me: Well. Not ALL day. But we can keep it up for a while. I've seen Home and Away. I'm pretty good at it. Sheilaaaaaa and whatnot.

HAE: HA. That one is fair enough. Although it isn't . . . mainstream Oz. Not what the classy people like me say.

Me: What do you say? I can add it to my repetoir

HAE: Bird. As in... look at the hot bird over there

Me: So . . . teaching me English words then?

HAE: Should I go give this one to S?

Me: Yes. You flamin G'LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

taster

Matt: I never thought I would say this, but, Beyonce on the X-Factor on Saturday night was excellent

Me: IF I WERRRRRRRRRRRE A BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY . . . That was just a taster

Sophie: Of what? HELL?

Matt: Oh. That was MEAN!

Me: Yeah. Thanks.

Matt: I mean, I thought the same but still. You didn't have to say it aloud.

how you know whether it was a good night

“M8 police turned up at 3 and started pulling the power out, downstairs was mental. my trowers got set on fire and everything i cant remember shit. Anyway yeah let me have a think about tonite i got no money left."

Trousers on fire? Check
Police? Check

Yes.

brilliant

This weekend included the perfect amount of friends, family and napping. On Friday, my pals Jenna and Ruth came over. Friends and wine are always going to be a good evening in my book. However, we are obviously getting on a bit because at 11 Ruth fell asleep (again). Luckily me and Jenna are made of sterner stuff.

On Saturday I met another pal, Corinne, in Enfield. Brilliant time wandering the shops picking up little presents and christmas cards. TALKING OF Christmas cards . . . we sent ours on Thursday. I wrote one for my parents and asked Sophie to sign it, before she went out drinking for the evening. Somehow she managed to start signing it from me. THEN, when she got home, I asked her to sign another card. This time she simply spelt her name wrong. At least that time I can blame the cocktails. In between her signing 2 different cards wrong, me and Matt ate a fuckload of chips.
After Enfield, I drove the car to the carshop to get them to fix my radio. The car has always had a dodgy gearbox but it was being spectacularly bad on the way there. Already I was nervous about parallel parking outside a garage. It did not help that the car sounded on the brink of the edge of stalling. No.

On Sunday we went over to our parents for dinner. It was delicious. As always. And the cake was Brilliant. My favourite moments were:
Mum telling us about Lulu's friend, Callum, staying over. Apparently Lulu went into Mums room at 11pm to tell her. Mum had fallen asleep and dad had carried on watching tv. When she went in, she turned the tv off and woke mum. Before apologising for waking her up OR getting to the point of why she was there, she pointed to dad slumped over mum with his wine glass in one hand and the tv remote in the other and said: WHAT is THAT? And thenshe told mum that Callum was going to stay over. In the morning, ma and pa were painting the hallway when they heard: For GOD SAKE come ON. And Lulu marched Callum down the stairs, passed them, and out the front door. Then she turned to mum and dad and said: I am SO tired, I'm going back to bed. Ok! Right then!! But apparently she also said: GOD MOTHER. I did NOT sleep with him. He is SO UGLY. Ma was all, I didn't even get the chance to tell her about the birds and the bees. Me: Mother, you have been yelling at her "no glove no love" since she was about 12. I think she's got it now.

I also laughed when Jamie/Dad did the most mingingest fart EVER and Lulu went off on a rant about how she had only showered THAT MORNING and she had WASHED HER HAIR. GODDDDDD.

le idiot

There is a box in my room. It contains things like wrapping paper, tissue paper, spare birthday cards and different coloured pens. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards. I put the box on my bed and sat next to it. Clyde immediately uncurled himself from where he was lying and tried to get into it. The box? It is not so big. Clydes arse? Massive.

yes!

Coming home from a night out and finding this stuck to the toilet mirror warms the cockles.
Coming home from a night out and finding a hot water bottle in your bed warms your cockles AND your feet.

The victorian era

Sometimes some things in life are just too big to deal with. That just the thought of having to deal with them makes you think, God, I'm staying at work another 15 minutes just so I can avoid dealing with them. However, I just read this and it made me laugh so . .

On November 30th, there were definite toilet problems in our house. As in, it was taking ages for stuff to flush and for the water to go down. This was an unfortunate thing to find out at midnight on a Sunday. On Monday, we should have called our landlady and asked for a plumber. Instead, we let things get progressively worse until, on the following Saturday, a literal shit storm occurred. Luckily it was my uncles 50th birthday and so we had anothers facilities to use for the evening. Which, being classy peeps, we told him. Or, at least, I did. It was definitely, DEFINITELY, time to call the landlady and arrange a plumber.

You would think that that would be the end of the story and I am sure, for most people, they call a plumber and shit (literally, remember) would get sorted. But. NO. In fact, I would say, we went BACKWARDS. Somehow (THAMES WATER CONTRACTORS COCKSUCKERS) we ended up with a call out charge of £65 with NOTHING BEING DONE because we weren't at the house. We were at work. Where a large proportion of people are on a Monday afternoon.

All I wanted to do on Monday was come home, find the toilet sorted and watch the last episode of Spooks. But did this happen? NO. I mean, I managed to watch Spooks but only because Matthew cannily convinced us to get Sky wherein live TV can be paused. And pause Spooks I did. I paused it to answer numerous calls from our landlady which varied from: "I mean, what the fuck?" and "This never happened when *I* was living there" and "Could you go and knock on the neighbours doors and ask if they are also experiencing any problems." So that is how I found myself standing shivering my bollocks off knocking on neighbours doors and asking them about toilet troubles at 10pm. Spooks is confusing enough at the best of times. Pausing it every 5 minutes meant that I was forgetting plot lines from an hour beforehand and I was all, OH JESUS SAVE LONDON FROM THE CRAZY RUSSIANS ALREADY I NEED A BOUNTY AND BED.

The best part of Monday night was picking ticks off of the cat and that is an experience neither me, Sophie or Clyde would like to remember.

it's just tuna pasta man

Lulu stayed over on Friday night. We drove to Morissons to buy Mama Mia and it had SOLD OUT. This was very Disappointing so, to make sure, I asked the cashier if they would have any copies anywhere else. Perhaps we had missed the huge Mama Mia DVD display or something. I asked her this question confidentially because, come on, the whole store does not need to know that you are sitting at home on a Friday night and watching Mama Mia. I mean, at least sit at home and watch something cool. But this is how me and Lulu roll. We love us some crap films (Charlies Angels COME ON). The checkout lady was not as quiet as me and Lulu and, in fact, shouted across the store at another assistant who shouted back to HER about it who then shouted over to the customer service desk. Lulu was all LORDY and quietly: "Yep, that's right, nothing to see here, we're just buying, you know, Die Hard or .. um . . something cool."

So. We ended up watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. The Louise Rennison books of this are BRILLIANT and HILARIOUS and the film was . . . beyond the valley of cringe into the valley of hiding behind the sofa. Luckily, me and Lulu are easily amused so whatevs. She actually had come over so I could also help her with her homework. We managed to discuss homework for half hour whilst I cooked dinner. Then, for some reason, it amused Lulu that we ate tuna pasta and facebook stalked hotties. I am sure she kept saying something like: Just sitting here, eating ma fish pasta and lookin at sexeh photos. Yessir, nothing to see here, just looking at sexeh photos and eatinnnn our lurvelyyyy tunaaaa pasta." Tres amusing.

oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree

This weekend, we bought a Christmas tree. Matt was VERY particular about the decorations. He can be a right pain when it comes to colour schemes and decorations etc.

Lights

Tinsel

Baubles



Presents

Luckily the tree didn't hold Clyde's attention for too long. I assume this is because it was neither made of food nor worms

This makes me want to go home immediately and put my slippers on and have a glass of wine

How can I resist ya?

Me: What time is your Christmas party on Friday and when do you think you will be home?

Sophie: I have no idea when we will be home, why? It starts in the afternoon

Me: Lulu is staying over. I said that you would be at your Christmas party so I'll do some homework with her and then watch a crappy film. Can't remember what time you were home last year but don't think it was so late.

Sophie: Oh yeah. Forgot. I text her and said it should be fine. Yeah, shouldn't be too late because people start drinking at 1/2pm and I make sure I leave before they start passing out in the loos and being rushed to casualty for shattering a shot glass into their hand.

Me: She'll stay over if you come back late or not :) We are planning to watch Mama Mia!

Sophie: Well now I know there is homework and Matt knows there is Mama Mia expect us back Saturday!

she proper is

Lulu: What are you doing?

Me: Working. You?

Lulu: College. I am going to stay round on Friday night. Is this ok?

Me: Sounds good. Sophie and Matt are at their Christmas party. They never get home late but we can have dinner and watch ... MAMA MIA!!!

Lulu: :o You got it! Cool! Yeah, let's watch it. I forgot how funny it is! Colin Firths booty wiggle!!

Me: Will buy it today! OOOO Exciting!!! Maybe I'll come over and pick the car up on Friday and we can drive home together. I dunno. I haven't thought it through. Will get the red wine in though and think about what to have for dinner.

Lulu: O skeen that soundz megaz bruvz!

Me: Putting a 'Z' on the end of your words doesn't make you cool you know

Lulu: I thinkz itz doesz

Me: I think you are flippin mental

Lulu: Whateverz. It's nearly xobs

Me: Xobs isn't even a word. Idiot.

Lulu: Christmas

Me: Yeah. I worked it out. You're still silly though.

Oh dear

Dad: What is going on with that cat??
Me: It's very similar to what happens if we leave Matt home alone for too long

Oh dear Oh dear

Jess: OH OH OH EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sophie: I wouldn't mind but he has those lice things on him and that was a clean bra.
Sade, I only noticed you said hello on messenger hours later - didn't even know I was on it! I didn't know you went on that!

Me: Nah. He's clean. I picked them off. Matt: Haven't you emasculated him enough?

Sophie: Rosie: Clyde has these white lumps...
Me: ...
Rosie: I think they are alive. Come and have a look at these may be alive white lumps
Me (pretending I can't hear)
Rosie and Matt: *debating/picking* possibly living lumps
Me: Positively not getting involved
Matt: (Bringing them into the living room because I didn't get up to look at them & presenting things with lots of fur attached) LOOK
Me: OH MY GOD! Did you just drop one on the floor? OH MY GOD!

Sadie: Oh god laughing out loud!!!!!!!

Jess: Oh god lice not much fun...........
Honestly, boys are just universally filthy fu**s, be they man or beast. Srsly I'm still bit shocked at ' I picked them off' Jeeeeez!

Sadie: Um, lice? Nice. Clyde/Claudia looked so sweet. Only my second time on it, its webcam set up next!

Jess: Yes after 565 years Sadie actually managed to get with the program and set up her IM.... you wait, she'll sort her webcam out soon............. *sarcastic raise of eyebrow*

Me: He only looked sweet because he was half asleep. Otherwise he would have taken my hand off.
Sophie has some kind of webcam thing on her computer. OMG it takes the UGLIEST pictures EVER. Totally the cameras fault and not the fact we were all gurning at it.

Sophie: The other day I found the video camera function that is inbuilt in my laptop. Makeupless and spotty it was just really depressing. Then I showed Ro and it is just so awful and ugly that it is quite engrossing.

Jess: FD!!! Yes, webcams are ONLY for the reeeely pretty.

Me: Nah, there are markets for everything :)

Jess: God *unfortunately imagining*

Sophie: I think it was the harsh lighting...

Me: Yeah. Candlelight is TERRIBLE. Fact

Sadie: Harsh lighting and bad angles. It happens to me ALL the time.

Jess: FD! Your *mother* text me..... we could make some spending money by selling ourselves on a street corner and giving the men a sandwich...and i don't mean egg mayonnaise.... I'm still * O *

Sophie: Does not surprise me.

Sadie: Oh. My. God.

Jess: DISGUSTING

Sophie: Corr I could eat an egg mayo sarnie now though

Jess: Me too!

Sophie: He'd have to be a big fella to cope with being sandwiched between you lot and i'm not necessarily talking in the trouser dept. Have I gone a step too far?

GAK

Me: Do your cats ever get these weird tiny egg looking things attached to them? I was picking them off Clyde last night. It was DISGUSTING but possibly less disgusting than hundreds of spiders (or whatever) hatching all over my bed.

Cor: Were they all barbed or hairy and difficult to get off? Cos thats ususally seeds or grass seeds. so nothing too gross. unless they weren't hairy in which case i have no idea, probably dirty disgusting mankyness. eurgh. eggs. that makes my skin crawl.

Me:No, that's the problem. I pull enough barbed etc crap off him to know these didn't look plant based . . . they looked like smoothy smooth little eggs. And they made a popping sound when I picked them off ... *retch*

Cor:Dude. That popping comment is going to stay with me. I nearly just threw up my biscuit. If you only ever do one more thing for me in this life- never mention anything like that to me ever ever again

Me: The sentence "nearly just threw up my biscuit" has given me the proper giggles. Also, you think it will stay with YOU? I keep reliving it!!! The feel, the sound . . *GAK*
Seriously. Cats are disgusting.

Lisa: Your cats got ticks!

Me: Do you think that is what they were? When I held one up to the light, it was definitely looked like a tick. But it was white. I thought they were black? And also, I just picked it off with my nails. Is that right? God. Bloody cat.

Lisa:The ones I saw were white because I kept it to take to the vet, You can just pull them off with your nails but the vet advised me not to do that because you can leave their legs behind which can get infected! Althoug the vet may just have been trying to get money out of me!!!

Me:GROSS. I really did NOT want to pick it off with my nails because . . GROSS. But it seemed preferable to eggs hatching. Think I might buy some tweezers to use ... I wasn't sure whether to pull them off myself because I have heard they leave stuff behind but I also think the risk is pretty low. My friends mum is one of those people that knows all about stuff like that and lives in the country and I've seen her pull ticks off with her hands too. BLAH. I am swapping Clyde with baby Pearl.

Lisa:She's got ticks too!!!!!

Me: Eurgh. Then you can just have them both!!

love egg?

There was a serious countdown going on last week until Friday. Friday was the day that me and Sophie were on leave and where us two and mum and Lulu were going to Brent Cross. I was receiving countdown texts from Lulu and it is fair to say we were pretty excited.

On Thursday I was all YAY ONE MORE DAY TO GO and prepared to take it easy. Unfortunately I was clearly too cocky as I was given something to do which had to be done by 5.30. I was very stressed. It turns out that people had forgotten I was on leave and thought I had 2 days. When I just had 1. I was getting majorly stressed just printing addresses onto labels. OMG. I may have mentioned this before but. Someone once asked me HOW I lived with my sister because they CERTAINLY could not. I mean, have we had any arguments at all yet? And the answer is no. There is definite bickering but, when it comes down to it, me and Soph both like an easy life in front of Eastenders with a hot chocolate and a bowl of pasta. Plus. I got home on Thursday evening after what was supposed to be a chilled out day before our long awaited day off in a TERRIBLE mood and Sophie and Matt handed me a glass of wine, a bowl of pasta and a tub of Ben & Jerrys. This living together lark seems to be going well.

Friday was Brilliant. We got to the bus stop to get the bus to mums and the bus was just pulling away. So excited was I to get shopping that I chased it. Sophie was all OMG IT ISN'T EVEN NEAR THE STOP!! And I did miss it but whatevs.
First stop was food, then shopping, then cake, then shopping, then coffee. We are Experienced.
I bought a new black bra and a new black top. Perfect. One of my favourite moments was:
In the queue in John Lewis
Mum: *Pointing* That jumper is lovely
Me: *Going over and picking it up* It's Cashmere. Feels a bit itchy actually. Itchy as a bitch on a Saturday night.
Mum: ROSIE!!!
Lulu: *Slaps my arse* Cor! My hand bounced right off that!!
Mum: LULU!!!
Sophie: *Hands mum some red ribbon* Can you get this for me please? It is for my pomanders
Mum: LOVE EGGS?
Me and Lulu: JESUS CHRIST MOTHER *walking away* GOSH. SO RUDE.

Writing that now . . . I can't remember why she said love eggs. It was something to do with ball shaped or something. I don't know. Her mind is a dangerous place.

And then we had fish and chips for dinner which was the perfect end to a perfect day.

Me and Sophie are pretty sorted for Christmas. All our presents are wrapped and I am looking forward to getting a tree on Sunday to put them under. Clyde is going to have an absolute FIELD DAY when that goes up.

On Saturday I got my hair cut. Instead of it being longish and blondish I went for shortish and darkish. Y'know, for Winter. The hairdresser was very reluctant to cut so much hair of but whatever man. It grows back. Then I went and stayed at my friend Sophie's boyfriends house. I hate stuff like that. Staying at people I don't knows houses and whatnot. But he was lovely and I had a double bed and my own bathroom. Which was FANTASTIC. Me and Sophie got dressed up. Her in the shortest dress I have ever seen. She balanced it out with black tights and the biggest pants I have ever seen. She was all, I have to wear them because it balances out the dress. I was all, well Gosh. Don't bend too much because people will see them. Then we went out and drank a boatload of cocktails. Good times.

When I got home on Sunday, Ruth took me shopping in Enfield. She was looking for something to wear to her Christmas party but it was all pretty bla. When I got home, Matt cooked a delicious roast dinner. It was Superb. Even when he improvised by making his Yorkshire puddings in a loaf tin. Matt has been promising to cook me and Sophie a roast dinner for at least 6 months now but I have to say. It was worth the wait. Good job!

All in all, it was an excellent weekend!