On the train home last night was a crazy person. My crazy antenna is finely tuned so I made sure to sit near enough to witness any crazy action but far away enough so it didn't involve me.
So this American tourist with her other American tourist pal got on and crazy sensed foreign and vulnerable and pounced.
Crazy: (to American Tourist 1) Is that your natural hair? (fair question. It was massively permed and orange.)
AM1: Em...yes.
Crazy: I once permed my hair. I had a photoshoot and I wanted to look good for it and I thought a perm was the way to go.
AM1: Right. Ok. I bet that looked real nice honey.
Crazy: Where you from?
AM1:America
Crazy: Ever been to Scotland?
AM1:No can't say I have
Crazy: Because I have a kilt. I wore it to the photoshoot. I had on my kilt and sporran and I had on some nice shoes and the right socks. Not the small socks. You have to wear the big socks with the kilt. Y'know? The big grey ones. Anyway. I did that. The kilt and sporran is everyday wear really. Can wear it all the time. Everyday clothes. Just casual y'know? But smart.
Then the train stopped randomly in the tunnel.
Crazy: I hate when the train stops like this. And they don't tell you what is happening and you just sit here and have to wait and I have places I need to go. I need to maybe go for a photoshoot and...
Train Announcer: Sorry for the delay. We are just waiting for the train in front to leave the station. We will be moving in just a moment.
AM1: There you go sweetie. No problem. Only a minute.
Crazy: But SOMETIMES they don't tell you and you sit here thinking it could be anything. It could be MONSTERS on the track or something and we would be sitting here and noone would know to run away and . .
AM1: Erm...sweetie. That's not likely to happen because . . .
Crazy: And it makes me soooo nervous because they don't say and
Then the train pulled into the station
AM2: Oh look! Our stop!
AM1: Oh, no our stop is. .
AM2: This one!! Ha ahahah ahha Come along Barbara.
Then I got off the train and received a message from my sister saying:
Oh my God there is a complete Alpen head sitting in front of me on the bus and I feel so sick.
That is the worst kind of crazy. The smelling, diseased, sick etc ones. My old business studies teacher had a car accident and it left his balding head covered in scabs. The whole back of it. Gradually they dried but instead of creaming his head up and washing it he left it for ages. Everytime he turned to the blackboard I retched. It put me off business studies totally.
Friday, 4 April 2008
Thursday, 3 April 2008
sinners
An email exchange with M regarding MS and how I told her (when I was told strictly not to. Whoops) that he kept asking me out because apparently I said if he could open my bra with one hand I would sleep with him and now he thinks that is, like, fact. Also, I don't remember even saying it (although . . I mayyyy have been drinking).
ME: Just got a text from MS asking if I was coming to the pub this evening (remember you are not aware of what I told you the other evening) and that he had bought me a DVD. I wonder what it is. With him it could be ANYTHING
M:Love is in the air.......... lalala
Of course, you didn't tell me a thing, in fact I already forgot. What thing? What are you talking about? Who's MS?
Yeah, I would be more worried than excited about the DVD!!! Let's see what it is!
ME: Haven't texted him back yet... dunno what to say. And well done secret squirrel. We spoke about nothing on Wednesday. In fact, we didnt even meet on Wednesday. Who are you again?
M: Text him that it had better be an Oscar winning movie! Why am I talking to you? Are you real? Or is it just a voice in my head?
ME: I texted him and asked if it was Charlies Angels. He said:
"well i havent bought u one i have brought u one though with such cultural aspirations as charlies angels looks like you could do with some culture break from norf london"
This is an exact wording of his message. I dont understand it so not replying. And yes I am just a voice in your head! Wooooooooooooo buy Rosie a drinkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk woooooo
M: Everybody's looking forward to seeing you in the pub later. Davis can't do today 'cause they have men only church session. I asked him if they talk about sex. Probably that explains why he ran away :)
ME: Laughing at you asking Davis whether the men only session is about sex. I bet it is. Sex and how to abstain from it and how 'more than 3 shakes is a sin.' I think everyone is looking forward to a Friday drink more than seeing me.
M: Maybe it's only me then.. Andy is wearing a light blue shirt today. I told him that he never knows, he might get lucky tonight!
ME: Why does a light blue shirt mean he might get lucky? Are you telling me it makes him look like a fox?
M: He looks hot! ;) He never wears shirts, only T-shirts and jumpers..
ME: He only wears shirts when he hasn't done his washing
M:I know... he told me!
ME: I think that means we have both been working there too long... sad man.
M: All the alcoholics left for pub already (Alicja, Andy, Lorenzo, Ben, Mark)... I will follow them soon :) It might take you quite a time to get here, so you better hurry up!
....
M: Off now... see you in a bit:)
Later, in the pub, I made Andy explain to her what '3 shakes is a sin' meant. HA
ME: Just got a text from MS asking if I was coming to the pub this evening (remember you are not aware of what I told you the other evening) and that he had bought me a DVD. I wonder what it is. With him it could be ANYTHING
M:Love is in the air.......... lalala
Of course, you didn't tell me a thing, in fact I already forgot. What thing? What are you talking about? Who's MS?
Yeah, I would be more worried than excited about the DVD!!! Let's see what it is!
ME: Haven't texted him back yet... dunno what to say. And well done secret squirrel. We spoke about nothing on Wednesday. In fact, we didnt even meet on Wednesday. Who are you again?
M: Text him that it had better be an Oscar winning movie! Why am I talking to you? Are you real? Or is it just a voice in my head?
ME: I texted him and asked if it was Charlies Angels. He said:
"well i havent bought u one i have brought u one though with such cultural aspirations as charlies angels looks like you could do with some culture break from norf london"
This is an exact wording of his message. I dont understand it so not replying. And yes I am just a voice in your head! Wooooooooooooo buy Rosie a drinkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk woooooo
M: Everybody's looking forward to seeing you in the pub later. Davis can't do today 'cause they have men only church session. I asked him if they talk about sex. Probably that explains why he ran away :)
ME: Laughing at you asking Davis whether the men only session is about sex. I bet it is. Sex and how to abstain from it and how 'more than 3 shakes is a sin.' I think everyone is looking forward to a Friday drink more than seeing me.
M: Maybe it's only me then.. Andy is wearing a light blue shirt today. I told him that he never knows, he might get lucky tonight!
ME: Why does a light blue shirt mean he might get lucky? Are you telling me it makes him look like a fox?
M: He looks hot! ;) He never wears shirts, only T-shirts and jumpers..
ME: He only wears shirts when he hasn't done his washing
M:I know... he told me!
ME: I think that means we have both been working there too long... sad man.
M: All the alcoholics left for pub already (Alicja, Andy, Lorenzo, Ben, Mark)... I will follow them soon :) It might take you quite a time to get here, so you better hurry up!
....
M: Off now... see you in a bit:)
Later, in the pub, I made Andy explain to her what '3 shakes is a sin' meant. HA
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
ho bags and curry
I saw a really old wrinkled lady buying Number 7's protect and perfect serum. This made me think for ages. Like, is it worth using that now? But then, well, you don't want any more wrinkles. Though there is nowhere else they could fit on her face...
On Good Friday my brother Jamie came home from uni for the weekend. As a whole family we went out for dinner. My favourite sentence was Jamie struggling to read 'hor d'ourves.'
Jamie: Hor ... hor.. hmm.
Me: *pronouncing it for him* y'know...starter
Jamie: I think you'l find the whore comes after the meal.
On Good Friday my brother Jamie came home from uni for the weekend. As a whole family we went out for dinner. My favourite sentence was Jamie struggling to read 'hor d'ourves.'
Jamie: Hor ... hor.. hmm.
Me: *pronouncing it for him* y'know...starter
Jamie: I think you'l find the whore comes after the meal.
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
texts
Texts that made me happy:
My pal M had cooked lunch for us. I texted and asked how it was going:
Chickens ready (it stopped screaming). I had a hard time getting it in the water but after a few minutes it gave up. Who's the chef?
When I left my old company and asked M whether anyone emailed me:
There are some tips on a harder weiner which won't let you down..
My first day at my new work after M asked how it was going:
Me:I walked into the door
M: You're not wearing your contact lense again, are you? Did it wake you up at least?
To my grandma who was going into hospital for major surgery:
Me: Hey Gma, good luck, thinking about you. Also, please let me know if your doctor is hot.
Gma: You ought to know that the only man in my life is the milkman.
To a pal, who was not coming to a fancy dress party, but asked whether another pal looked hot:
Um no because I made her dress like a monkey so I wasn't the only one looking retarded. Though unfortunately the plan fell through and she looks like a hot simian and I look like one who fell out the tree.
On way to party after drinking with Mike and Lottie first:
Chris! Me and Mike and Lots are on way? The park is about to get started. Mike is naked.
My pal M had cooked lunch for us. I texted and asked how it was going:
Chickens ready (it stopped screaming). I had a hard time getting it in the water but after a few minutes it gave up. Who's the chef?
When I left my old company and asked M whether anyone emailed me:
There are some tips on a harder weiner which won't let you down..
My first day at my new work after M asked how it was going:
Me:I walked into the door
M: You're not wearing your contact lense again, are you? Did it wake you up at least?
To my grandma who was going into hospital for major surgery:
Me: Hey Gma, good luck, thinking about you. Also, please let me know if your doctor is hot.
Gma: You ought to know that the only man in my life is the milkman.
To a pal, who was not coming to a fancy dress party, but asked whether another pal looked hot:
Um no because I made her dress like a monkey so I wasn't the only one looking retarded. Though unfortunately the plan fell through and she looks like a hot simian and I look like one who fell out the tree.
On way to party after drinking with Mike and Lottie first:
Chris! Me and Mike and Lots are on way? The park is about to get started. Mike is naked.
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
spin spin spin
Man people at my work are funny. I am really going to miss them.
Sanjay totally cracked my shit up today and it was completely unintentional. We have an Italian guy in the office who is always eating. I don’t know how he is not a heffalump. Anyway, I bought some milk today because peeps were complaining and, because they just seemed like children, I bought them some cookies and put them in the kitchen. Everyone was taking A cookie with their tea. Then the Italian guy headed to the kitchen and Sanjay was all, UH OH THERE GOES THE COOKIES!!! I don’t know why this was so funny but I lost it. I laughed A LOT. I snorted. It was very unladylike.
This evening, because our washing machine finally gave up the ghost (though to be fair it had probably done about a gazillion loads), I headed to the launderette.
OH MY GOD. It is so very very Eastenders. Well, maybe mine is. First off all I had to go ask for some change from the shop. The woman was very pissy. Then I asked a guy in the launderette for a money swap and he lectured me on how he has come organised and blab bla and I was all apologetic and I have never felt more middle class than asking a woman in a ‘Juicy’ (this is what her arse said) tracksuit for help opening the machine door. Then I helped a pregnant woman fold her sheets whilst the first guy was asking me whether I wanted to iron for him and be his woman (tempting offer but I’m good thanks) thennnnn some guy came up to me and said: ‘so.... can I have a pair of your pants then?’ Me: ‘Er, no.’ Dude.
Sanjay totally cracked my shit up today and it was completely unintentional. We have an Italian guy in the office who is always eating. I don’t know how he is not a heffalump. Anyway, I bought some milk today because peeps were complaining and, because they just seemed like children, I bought them some cookies and put them in the kitchen. Everyone was taking A cookie with their tea. Then the Italian guy headed to the kitchen and Sanjay was all, UH OH THERE GOES THE COOKIES!!! I don’t know why this was so funny but I lost it. I laughed A LOT. I snorted. It was very unladylike.
This evening, because our washing machine finally gave up the ghost (though to be fair it had probably done about a gazillion loads), I headed to the launderette.
OH MY GOD. It is so very very Eastenders. Well, maybe mine is. First off all I had to go ask for some change from the shop. The woman was very pissy. Then I asked a guy in the launderette for a money swap and he lectured me on how he has come organised and blab bla and I was all apologetic and I have never felt more middle class than asking a woman in a ‘Juicy’ (this is what her arse said) tracksuit for help opening the machine door. Then I helped a pregnant woman fold her sheets whilst the first guy was asking me whether I wanted to iron for him and be his woman (tempting offer but I’m good thanks) thennnnn some guy came up to me and said: ‘so.... can I have a pair of your pants then?’ Me: ‘Er, no.’ Dude.
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
months squashed
Man it really was not long before I gave up writing this. Anyway, I will try to recount some of the stuff I got up to.
I had a FANTASTIC Christmas. Probably one of the best. I spent the holiday season partying it up like a mofo. One of the best nights was the 23rd December. Some friends had a Christmas party at theirs and lots of people turned up and lots of drink was drunk. Friends + Drink is one of my favourite combinations. Fact. Then there was only a group of 5 of us left so we went to my pal Charlie’s house. Charlie was living at his parents house with his pal Sam because they were going travelling in a couple of days and had to give up their flat. More drinkage happened. Then things got a little rowdy so we headed to Shaun’s who had his own place. By 5.00am people were pretty tired so we all got into bed. Sharing a bed with 3 men and another lady is hard work. In more ways than one, *Ahem.* It was hilarious though. Also, like one of those maths problems you have because everyone wanted to sleep next to someone else - the guys were pretty funny about not sleeping next to another guy. Anyway. There were many comments about who was snuggling who and whose hand was where. Not much sleep happened. Then the next day I bought Sam home and extended the party. Raowwwwwwww.
Mum: Rosie bought home such a goodlooking boy the other day!! I told her next time that she needed to bring someone like that home for me!
I liked that Sam was really funny and a total dirtbag but then the next day he put his glasses on and told me he was a maths teacher and some math skip-a-year child prodigy. Wicked.
Then it was Christmas Day and I spent it with my family and my uncle Paul supplied the champagne and there were good times!
Then it was my birthday and yet again there was good times and then our New Years Eve hippy party.
Things that happened in 2008: Mainly, I resigned. When you feel like you are on the brink of the edge of a breakdown it is probably for the best if you just resign. I am working my last week now and leaving such amazing people is hard. Really hard. They are lovely and kind and generous and some of them are geniuses and well recognised in their fields. My last day is on Friday and I am so angry I have to leave just because SOME PEOPLE are idiots.
I had a FANTASTIC Christmas. Probably one of the best. I spent the holiday season partying it up like a mofo. One of the best nights was the 23rd December. Some friends had a Christmas party at theirs and lots of people turned up and lots of drink was drunk. Friends + Drink is one of my favourite combinations. Fact. Then there was only a group of 5 of us left so we went to my pal Charlie’s house. Charlie was living at his parents house with his pal Sam because they were going travelling in a couple of days and had to give up their flat. More drinkage happened. Then things got a little rowdy so we headed to Shaun’s who had his own place. By 5.00am people were pretty tired so we all got into bed. Sharing a bed with 3 men and another lady is hard work. In more ways than one, *Ahem.* It was hilarious though. Also, like one of those maths problems you have because everyone wanted to sleep next to someone else - the guys were pretty funny about not sleeping next to another guy. Anyway. There were many comments about who was snuggling who and whose hand was where. Not much sleep happened. Then the next day I bought Sam home and extended the party. Raowwwwwwww.
Mum: Rosie bought home such a goodlooking boy the other day!! I told her next time that she needed to bring someone like that home for me!
I liked that Sam was really funny and a total dirtbag but then the next day he put his glasses on and told me he was a maths teacher and some math skip-a-year child prodigy. Wicked.
Then it was Christmas Day and I spent it with my family and my uncle Paul supplied the champagne and there were good times!
Then it was my birthday and yet again there was good times and then our New Years Eve hippy party.
Things that happened in 2008: Mainly, I resigned. When you feel like you are on the brink of the edge of a breakdown it is probably for the best if you just resign. I am working my last week now and leaving such amazing people is hard. Really hard. They are lovely and kind and generous and some of them are geniuses and well recognised in their fields. My last day is on Friday and I am so angry I have to leave just because SOME PEOPLE are idiots.
Tuesday, 1 January 2008
house
At the beginning, we were looking for a house to mortgage. Our hopes were high:
By Me
They dropped pretty quickly
By So
Shattering into smithereens
Me
So
Me
Sophie
me
Luckily, it has all worked out well and we love our little flat/house/maisonette thing
By Me
They dropped pretty quickly
By So
Shattering into smithereens
Me
So
Me
Sophie
me
Luckily, it has all worked out well and we love our little flat/house/maisonette thing
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