lovely lady lumps

Mum: I put all my summer clothes away in my trunk today.

Me: Is there a lot of junk in it?

Mum: No. It’s very neat.

Lulu: I think there’s a lotttt of junk in your trunk *snort*

Me: Mum. Whatchu gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk?

Mum: There isn’t any!

Lulu:Are you gonna make them work work make them work?

Mum: Wha...Who?

Lulu: Mum! What you gonna do with all that ass all that ass inside those jeans?

Me: Mum! Do you drive those fellas crazy, do it on the daily?

my boys

I had to go to the post office and Sainsburys for work (milk, coffee etc) and put the reception phone on answerphone. This means that all calls go through to Maurice and Max:

Max: Jeeeeesus, get back to your desk already. I am sick of fielding your calls. I am not paid to be a receptionist.

Maurice: Doubt Rosie is either

Me: But you two make such pretty receptionists!

Max: *pouting*

Maurice: Well, I do have the legs for it. And Max has the skirt.

Me: Anywayyyyyyy did anyone important call?

Maurice: Yeahh some guy, whatshisname….Dr something…

Me: Noooo!

Max: Yeah. I told him to fuck off!

Maurice: Nah, we just told him you were out with the rugby team.

Max: Pissed

Maurice: Animal

Max: Can’t get the staff

Me: Wow. I love how you guys got my back!

familiar yet really strange

This weekend I drove my mum and dad to the pub.

Dad: It’s a warm feeling knowing that sometimes your children can be fucking useful

On the way I pulled up at a cash point and mum got out. She was wearing a beautiful butterfly dress, leggings and heels.

Dad: Haven’t I done well with your mother? She’s a stone cold fox.

Mum: *getting back in the car* Ro, lets ditch your father and go out on the pull.

Me: oooooooooo you’re gonna feel so bad when I tell you what he was saying about you

Mum: *looking at Dad* Ahhhhhhh sweetie I’ll make it up to you later

Then I went home and cooked dinner for my sister Lu and brother Toby.

Toby was telling me about his friends, Tom and Harry.

Me: So.... does that make you a dick?

working 9-5 what a way to make a living

I really love the people I work with and I love that everyone makes an effort to come out for Friday night drinks. Whether you come for one drink or you are the last to leave.

Me: Ale, are you coming for a drink later?
Ale: No sorry, I'm off to Paris after work.
Me: Cool, bring me back a dashing French man. And a baguette.
Ale: Ok, and would you like me to bring back a baguette for you as well?
Me: Jeez, loweringgggg the tone.

partying like it's 1999

Last night I went to the O2 Arena and saw Prince. I went with So, Hawk and Fiontan and all three of them were wearing purple. I was all, sooooooooo obvious.

Prince was excellent. His stage was just his symbol shape with flashing lights and his dancers were busting out with very Tina Turner-esque moves. The kind of moves that I do in my room on my own when no one is watching.

My only complaint was the people who did not stay in their seats but instead who continually walked up and down the aisles and stairs to get more drinks or whatever. Who does that when the performance is underway?

I really liked the total jobsworth of a security guard who told the lone man standing on the stairs next to his seat that he was a hazard. Excuse you, if there is a fire, that man standing there is not going to be much of a hindrance to me barrelling past.

I also really love when people heckle. When Prince left the stage for the last time I totally joined in the boos. And the 'Prinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnce.'
I went to the cinema with my younger sister, LuLu, and the screen was fuzzy. All these young children started booing and I totally joined in.

Fiontan entertained me the whole way home with his game of lets make a conversation made up entirely of song lyrics. He also told the funniest story of how he was running for a bus and some guys in a van drove alongside him shouting: ‘you runnnnn like a gayyyyyyy boy.’

Fiontan: ‘And I was only getting the bus home because my gran had told me it was safer than walking!’

orcs in the aisle

I saw Lord of the Rings on stage with M. It was amazing. The staging was a work of art. My only complaint is regarding the FREAKING ORCS in the FREAKING AISLES. At one point they dimmed the lights. And the screaming began. In my head I knew they were just people dressed up but at one point I was trying to climb over M. I am your friend. Until the orcs roam the aisle. Then I will totally sacrifice you so I can run away.

The lift at my work was recently renovated. It took months and was only back in service recently. And I cannot see any improvement except that in feels like it has gone on that programme – Pimp my Ride. Our lift now has flashing green and red lights down the side and talks to you. But it says the wrong thing. Like, you reach your floor and it says: ‘Lift going down, doors opening.’ And it takes about 7 years for the doors to close or it to arrive. I kind of think they had cowboy engineers who were like, we’ll put flashing lights in it AND NOONE WILL EVER KNOW WE CAN’T REPAIR LIFTS.

excuse you rude

Last night I went out to dinner again with M. There is a groovy parade of restaurants in London on St Christopher’s Place. It is a bit like being in Ibiza or wherever it is that club reps stand outside trying to entice you in. But with waiting staff.
So we wandered along and settled on a Spanish tapas place. The waiter, unlike at every other restaurant along the street, was not bothered that we were interested in eating there and, in fact, ignored us until M stood in front of him and asked for a table. The table he gave us was recently vacated and needed cleaning so he said he would be back with a cloth. But he lied and it took another twenty minutes to attract his attention again. What with it taking so long for him to serve us, we decided whilst we had him there, we ordered our wine at the same time as asking him to wipe the table.

Waiter: *really arsily* Do you want me to get you wine or wipe the table?
Me: er…BOTH?

M: Whatssssss hissssss problem?
Me: Dunno, lets smile maniacally at him though to freak him out.

This totally worked and at the end of the meal he smiled back and had a chat with us.

M: Finallyyyyyyyyy
Me: Ha whatever, we got the Dr to tell us he loved us, he was nothing.
M: Yeah, he needed to try so much harder with the hostile…
Me: Needed to throw in a few worthless monkeys etc..
M: God we’re so jaded

Finished a beautiful evening with this exchange with my brother, J.

J: *standing outside bathroom*
Me: Damn, is there a queue?
J: Mums in there
Me: HaHa the door is totally unlocked, I’m going in. Don’t you wish you were a woman?
J: No I just wish I didn’t need a crap