how to impress

*knock on the door*

Me: Hello?
Guy: Hi, I've got an interview with R?
Me: O ok I'll just go tell him

Me: R, Mr M is here
R: WHAT? WHY? He is an hour early!! And E won't be back until 2.30!
Me: .... I dunno
R: Could you go and tell him the interview is at 2.30 and we cant see him until then because E is out
Me: Sure

Me: Hi, Mr M, you're interview was actually at 2.30...
Mr. M: Yes, that's right
Me: So . . you're an hour early. . .
Mr M: Sorry?
Me: Well, it's only 1.30 . .
Mr M: OH SHIT I FORGOT TO PUT MY WATCH BACK
Me: Dude. It's Wednesday
Mr M: Ahem
Me: HAHA

Me: R, he's gone to get some lunch. He's forgotten to put his watch back an hour . .
R: Lord. This doesn't say much for him . .
Me: WHAT? I think he is FANTASTIC!
R: Yeah but you walked into a door when you started
Me: Thought you'd forgotten that . . .
R: ...no. And we'd already hired you.

Cycle of Life

My friend Chris spent about 3 months cycling across Africa, with his friends, for charity. On Wednesday night I went to the RGS to listen to his friend, and organiser of the trip, Barty describe what just sounds like the most incredible journey.

I met up with M and Hollie and we managed to bag seats near the front of what quickly became a packed out auditorium. I am so happy that loads of people turned up because I think that what he did was amazing.

Barty stood on stage and said that he didn't know so many people were going to have shown up. He cleared his throat a few times. Rustled his papers. I guess speaking in front of hundreds instead of the family members and friends that you were just expecting is pretty daunting.

I was worried that I would fall asleep. There is just something about lecture halls that makes me feel sleepy. But. This was not the case. Barty captured peoples attention immediately with photos and his whole talk was peppered with anecdotes and humour and yet the importance of the trip was foremost in his speech. The idea was to draw attention to the poverty in Africa, as well as to the conservationist side.

Their journey took them through Zimbabwe where the currency was something like 5000 to a pound. When they left, 9 days later, it was something like a million. This was smack in the middle of the election period and the drama surrounding Mugabe and his treatment of his opposition. They also set up camp one night, to the total consternation of a native who told them, no, this area is "too animally."

Things that made me laugh:

Pictures of Chris with his wild man of Borneo hair
Chris's brother joining them on the trip and them posing for a photo doing the most excited faces
One of the guys accidentally running over a snake
Chris being really anal regarding timing and numbers
Barty buying flour instead of meal. They have a photo of when they all found out, after 8 hours cycling. Too funny.
When Mark Beaumont joined the group for the last leg of the journey and all the photos of the team cycling along with him holding hands or touching his butt.

I can't imagine doing something like that and then coming back to a 9-5 job. I also know that I probably would have had a tough time dealing with the sights that they saw so am glad I did the best I could to help by donating. They raised £60,000 and I am so proud of Chris.

To learn

To Donate

Happy Birthday Sadie!

Well, our order arrived at the right house, in our order slot. Now we just have to figure out how to store it all.

Clyde says he thinks he has figured out where to put all the cat food

The dishwasher tablets were on special offer. Bargainous. Wedge them in the shed.

Me: Sophie, CORRRRRR. 'Ow we gonna fit THESE in the cupboard??!!
Sophie: SHUT UPPPPP. It is very difficult to see the size of something on screen
Me: CORRRR

Why do we have so much tomato sauce?

Me: Why do we need so much bathroom cleaner?!
Sophie: I never ordered that many! I only ordered one!
*Checks substitution list*
Sophie: Oh. I see. They have substituted all our bleach for bathroom bleach
Matt: Well, we probably won't need to order bleach next month then
Sophie: Or the month after that . . .


Toilet roll mountain

Fat Matt

All that thinking fair tuckered him out

bag lady

Me: Jess - Clyde says thanks v much for the adult cat food and he is finally old enough to eat it. He says if you need him to take any more of your hands, he will.

Jess: I have loads of pouch cat food for your baby!!!

Me: Wicked to the cat food. Cheers!!!

Sophie: Yes very good. What ones does Izzy eat then? if you like we can give you those pouches from the packs we order. Clyde eats any brand and flavour. I did the Tesco order and got him a huge variety e.g. roast dinners, meals from the ocean, wild game etc etc

Jess: Oh that's sweet. Honestly don't worry.. my cat is not a huge eater so I have plenty... I've got a ton of pouches for you....she doesn't like Waitrose fish in jelly now...jeez!!!

Me: Although we could just give him a plate of worms and satsumas. He eats anything.

Jess: Oh FFFFD!!

Sophie: Well are there no Felix or Whiskers ones she likes as we have about 400 coming this evening... even though we hate that Ponders End Tesco because we are last on their drive so if our order is between 7 - 9 it gets to us at 10.30. Tonight I had to get 8 - 10 so Lord only knows how long our frozen prawns will have been driving about Enfield for.

Jess: FFFFD!!!! And don't worry, you're baby will eat 400 in no time.......

Me: Ok then. And, If you could put the food for him in an interesting bag, he'd doubly like it. Last night he got in this bag. Rustle rustle rustle rustle Me: Clyde. That is pretty irritating. I'm trying to sleep. Rustle rustle rustle. Me: THAT IS IT. GET OUT. *eventually have to hide bag as he tries to get in 97 more times.* I try going back to sleep. Rustle rustle rustle Me: WHAT THE . . .*turn lamp on* Can you see the Oasis bag next to the one he is in? It has a skirt in that I am taking to dry cleaners. He got in that one instead. Arse.

Jess: OH ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!!!

Sophie: He is just so demented. I honestly think if he was human he'd be sectioned. This morning he started from about 5 onwards. By 6 I thought if I have to listen to that bell TINKLE TINKLE TINKLE one more time I'm going to throw him out the window. We lock him in at night until he's had his op and he was bashing at his closed cat flap like a battering ram. Then he tried to knock off my orchid. I heard Ro slam her door when he started shredding newspaper. In the end Matt got up.

Me: HAHA. Yeah, I kicked him out my room this morning. It was 5am and he was DIGGING on my bed. That is as irritating as it sounds. Also, it was digging interspersed with biting my shoulder. Interspersed with being all snuggly which including biting.

Jess: SRSLY... My baby at 5 was snuggled up into my side....as she was all through the night....apart from the 2 cuddles she insisted on....but your one is like a proper cartoon/thug/delinquent/disturbed/slug-loving kitteh!

Me: You're a flippin show off

Sophie: Yeah, show off!

Jess: Snarf.... Tell you what she likes.....me sitting on my bed during the day reading, she likes me to sit with my legs dangling off the edge of the bed, then she likes to jump over them as she goes up and down the bed purring and pretending she's a horse! And she likes me to put the pillow in the middle of the bed so she can jump over that...

Me: Man, I CANNOT WAIT until he gets snipped. Then he can go harass the entire neighbourhood. One month. Come on. Why doesn't your cats idea of a good time include biting?

Jess: FFDDDD!! POOR CLYDE! And it's 'cos my cat is a ladeee....woh who who she's a laydeee...talkin about that liddle lady........

Sophie:
Sophie: Here Clyde *putting food down*
Matt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO
Sophie: *gasp* Jesus, what?
Matt: You have to turn the 'DOG' to the back

Jess: FDDDDDDDDD

Me: JEEEEEEEEEZ. A just came in for THEE LONGEST CHAT EVER. It included:
His divorce (when his wife took him to the cleaners) When he was declared bankrupt
How he thought all women were money-grabbing bitches
How he has a lot of money in the bank because he is too lazy to spend it
How he COULD go to Spain for 3 weeks on the interest he gets (from all the money in his account) but he doesn't so he sits at home for 3 weeks and then says, look at all the money I've saved!
Me: . . .
I think I preferred it when we weren't speaking.

Sophie: Freak

Jess: Y'know sometimes I wonder how on earth some people just cant realize what boring sad to**ers they are..... It's not the fact that they ARE BST's it's the fact that they want to share their BSTing life with you....no wonder we get so jaded...

Me: Exactly! Amusing and/or interesting stories/anecdotes only please. He was telling me and I was all, mm m mmmm *pointedly looking at screen* I mean, what fresh hell?

Jess: FD!! What fresh hell indeed..... Me and Ally both on 8am shift today....so we meet up to get coffee. We're accosted by 2 staff en route...I had to listen to twaddle while Ally hung back and let me be bored to further insanity....she didn't help at all....nope....left me too it....and what makes people talk about freakin WORK out of hours??? I'm not interested while I'm AT work let alone out of it!!!

Me: Agreed!! Cos, WHY is he telling me all that? Some people need boundaries. Also. 2 ways in which I deal with things like that:
Present Day: E.g, generally being rude, swearing, common
Past: You have to pretend you are a Jane Austen character. E.g. Good Day! And, that is a very inappropriate thing to say to a lady.
It is pretty fun. And a testament to how bored I get.

Jess: I prefer present day so us laydees can be as graphically rude as we like,....tho I know you laydees are now where NEAR as rude as me.... I like - some people need boundaries!

Me: No, srsly, some people need boundaries. Goodness, how much I do not want to hear about your boyfriend nicknaming you 'poobear' because you like bumming I cannot even BEGIN to say. And Jane Austen replies are Fun! Ending a conversation/argument with a sales person on the phone with a, Good Day! is pretty amusing. Maybe only to me. You and Ally should see how long you can keep up Jane Austen talk. Imagine having to be polite ...

Jess: I'm gonna Austen it in the office and see how long before I a)fail and b)someone notices!!! I'll let you know!

Me: Shouldn't be too long before someone notices you being polite!

Jess: Dude ruined it straight away when I ordered Ally to sort my bagel for lunch...right I'm gonna start now...

Sophie: Larfed at that I did

.....

Jess: Dude.....Ally's looking at me strange.. Have managed one sentence so far. Major fail

cat snowed under

Sophie: On my way home last night I got caught in a thunder storm, sheeting rain, hail, and then a snow blizzard.


Sophie: A piccie of Clyde...
Jess: Weather freaky.... Piccies so cute...kitteh got so big!!!

Sophie: Very big and very hungry. He had a little look at the snow last night while we watched and laughed at him run back in.

Jess: F!! I can see him..... Izzy went out last night too, pre-snow. I let her out 'cos I'm kind, anyway, she did a wee and decided to return.... She came through the hatch with such force and speed that the hatch came off the door at high velocity and hit a blender which was on a shelf under the cooker..... blender, lid, knobby part of lid and hatch all sprawled across kitchen floor. Jessica heart racing as noise made her jerk up on couch, and then Izzy went like the devil himself was chasing her, up the stairs and onto my bed....just a streak of tortoiseshell........

Me: FUNNY!!!! Makes you jump when they come through the catflap at such speeds. This morning Clyde jumped from the window ledge onto my stomach (please have another look at the photo of him when imaging what this felt like). So. I woke up this morning to the belief that I was being attacked by a burglar. Nice.
Also. MIAOWWWWWW miaowwww miaow miaow?? MIAOW Miaowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww??? Miaow! Miaowwww Miaowwwwww? Miaow Miaow Miaow

Jess: Oh FFD!!!! Cherisst!!! I bet he made you go oommmmphhhhhhhh!!

Me: He winded me. Remember when you were on the train and you fell asleep and then woke up and went warghhhhhhhhhhhh and your arms and legs went up in the air? Thats pretty much what happened.

Jess: Oh ffd!!!!!!!

Me: Yeah. But. It kinda wasn't. It was only 6.45 and he managed to bomb me 3 more times. Then he did the pathetic act - sticking his big fat head in my face. Don't tell Sadie but, I'm wrapping him up for her birthday present.

Jess: Oh so laughingggggggggggg. Honestly I SO larf at these mails!!!!!

Sadie: You are too kind. I couldn't possibly accept such a generous gift. Honestly, no. Really, never. Ever.

Jess: FFFFFFF

Me: Shit. Suppose I better unwrap him then. When I get home later. Will be a job because I duct taped him really well this morning.

Sadie: Laughing!

Jess: OH REALLY FFD!

Sadie: Left home early this morning for a change. Got to the station and no trains. But there was at least a bus replacement service. The bus driver said to us, well I can drive you into the City if you all want. But only if someone knows the way. I decided to walk to the next station. Good job I wore my new duvet coat today, it's a bit nippy noo nah out there.

Me: It is blimmin freezing!!! And what was with the snow? I am the only one wearing wellies though. Like some country bumpkin. PLUS! There were trees and branches fallen down round our way!!! Michael Fish didn't predict this!!! On the train some old guy asked if I was off to school. Am wearing my black polka dot dress and wellies and tights. Nothing like our school uniform and I am gonna be so peeved if someones uniform was like this. And then I got to work and R said: "Nice wellies. Have you had them since you were 6?" They are mums ones she gave me. Kickers ones with pictures of london buses on.

Jess: Really f! Old guy perving at you, he WANTED to SEE you in your school uniform!!!

Me: The reality of me in my old school uniform would have shocked him outta that fantasy

Sadie: Snorting! And I think the wellies sound lovely. I wore long socks for the first time this winter. Long socks and duvet coat. I was waiting at the bus stop all toasted up, everyone else was all moaning and pinch faced with the cold. Suckers.

Sophie: Well I had on a long top, a jumper, another jumper, my bus hoodie (tied up around my face) and then my coat, scarf and gloves. Walked into the 25 degree centrally heated office with greehouse effect windows and nearly passed out.
Then I struggled to take all the layers off in front of our MD who I sit opposite.

Jess: FFd! I too have long socks and a scarf today! I was well toasty.......I'd like some hot buttered toast now.

Sadie: Spoke to P yesterday. He's worried about his job as his company is firing people. I told him that its not all roses getting your 30% pay rise, it makes you high profile on the big black plastic bag list and that he should have stayed cheap as chips like me. Cheap, but glittery as I like to think of myself.

Sophie: Like a fairy on a christmas tree

Sadie: Absolutely

Jess: I'm cheap and tarnished.........

Sadie: FD! I'm seeing him for a meal in couple of weeks. He said make it a cheap restaurant, just in case.

Jess: So a sarnie and a latte from Pret, then.

Me: What? That's flipping expensive. French stick and onion rings from Tesco

Jess: Fd! Dust and barf.

Sophie: Never eat barf. Or dust. E-ewwwww

buyinggggg and readingggggggggg

Friday was Halloweeeeeeeeen. I went to a wicked party at my friend Elizabeths house. If I ever need someone to organise a party for me in the future, I am going to enlist her help. The place looked fabulous. There were fairy lights and candles everywhere, plus cobwebs and spiders, scairy cakes, jacket potatoes cooking round the bonfire. It was pretty fantastic. I went as a bat. Here is Clyde modelling part of my outfit for me:
On Saturday me and Soph met up with Mum and Lol in Palmers Green. We went to the pub for lunch. I went and ordered and bought a bottle of wine. I never got ID-ed. I NEVER get ID-ed, even when the policy is to ID people who look under 25. Great. When I got back to the table I might have been slightly loud saying how pissed I am that I never get ID-ed. One of the pub staff heard and came over and ID-ed me. It made mum a bit nervous because Lol was drinking all the wine.

Saturday night I babysat with Lulu. Just as the parents walked in the door she did the most disgusting fart ever. It was vile. It was unbelievable. I couldn't believe it happened. She said: Don't worry. They'll probably just think it was you.

I stayed round Mum and Dads afterwards because it is nicer than trekking home at midnight. If you have a mum like mine, the spare room would have looked like this:
Pajamas laid out
Candles
Spare Blankets
AND!!! This is how I know that my mother loves me
Also, you room might be taken up by one of these. Or not. Could just be my mother who fills every available space with trees

On Sunday, Lulu took me shopping and out for lunch. We went to Nero's in Enfield. We ordered 2 paninis. One was tuna and one was mozzarella, basil and tomato and we shared. Lulu was all, MINE IS CHICKEN! And I was all THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I HAVE HALF A TUNA AND HALF A MOZZARELLA. But. She was right. Somehow the lady cutting the paninis in half had mixed a few up. I don't think the man who got the other tuna half was very happy.

A conversation that happened on Sunday night:

Sophie: Ro, I said to Matt, imagine if we had just met. How would you describe yourself. He said: I like buyingggggggg magazines. I like reeeeeeeeeeeeeading magazines..... I was like, right. I'll tell you about MYself. I'm a leggy blonde . . Matt: well, you have legs.

Me: HAHA!

Sophie: I like buyingggggggg magazines. I like reeeeeeeeeeeeeading magazines..... That is the last time I try and spice up our love life.

*Side bar*

The other day, in the kitchen with Matt:

Me: *changing Clydes water* Do you think we have given our cat identity issues because we have his water in a bowl that says 'Dog?'

Matt: No because I always turn the bowl so he can't see the writing

Me: . . . . so . . . you think our cat can read then?

Matt: Well. I wouldn't put it past him

***

Me: Whats that Clyde??

Me, as Clyde. WOOOF WOOF

Me: He says, he likes buyinggggg the bones. He likes eatingggggggggg the bones.......

no explanation

With Matt, Cor's ex because he kept waving his skanky fingernail in my face that had gotten shut in the boot of a trunk.