bag lady

Me: Jess - Clyde says thanks v much for the adult cat food and he is finally old enough to eat it. He says if you need him to take any more of your hands, he will.

Jess: I have loads of pouch cat food for your baby!!!

Me: Wicked to the cat food. Cheers!!!

Sophie: Yes very good. What ones does Izzy eat then? if you like we can give you those pouches from the packs we order. Clyde eats any brand and flavour. I did the Tesco order and got him a huge variety e.g. roast dinners, meals from the ocean, wild game etc etc

Jess: Oh that's sweet. Honestly don't worry.. my cat is not a huge eater so I have plenty... I've got a ton of pouches for you....she doesn't like Waitrose fish in jelly now...jeez!!!

Me: Although we could just give him a plate of worms and satsumas. He eats anything.

Jess: Oh FFFFD!!

Sophie: Well are there no Felix or Whiskers ones she likes as we have about 400 coming this evening... even though we hate that Ponders End Tesco because we are last on their drive so if our order is between 7 - 9 it gets to us at 10.30. Tonight I had to get 8 - 10 so Lord only knows how long our frozen prawns will have been driving about Enfield for.

Jess: FFFFD!!!! And don't worry, you're baby will eat 400 in no time.......

Me: Ok then. And, If you could put the food for him in an interesting bag, he'd doubly like it. Last night he got in this bag. Rustle rustle rustle rustle Me: Clyde. That is pretty irritating. I'm trying to sleep. Rustle rustle rustle. Me: THAT IS IT. GET OUT. *eventually have to hide bag as he tries to get in 97 more times.* I try going back to sleep. Rustle rustle rustle Me: WHAT THE . . .*turn lamp on* Can you see the Oasis bag next to the one he is in? It has a skirt in that I am taking to dry cleaners. He got in that one instead. Arse.

Jess: OH ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!!!

Sophie: He is just so demented. I honestly think if he was human he'd be sectioned. This morning he started from about 5 onwards. By 6 I thought if I have to listen to that bell TINKLE TINKLE TINKLE one more time I'm going to throw him out the window. We lock him in at night until he's had his op and he was bashing at his closed cat flap like a battering ram. Then he tried to knock off my orchid. I heard Ro slam her door when he started shredding newspaper. In the end Matt got up.

Me: HAHA. Yeah, I kicked him out my room this morning. It was 5am and he was DIGGING on my bed. That is as irritating as it sounds. Also, it was digging interspersed with biting my shoulder. Interspersed with being all snuggly which including biting.

Jess: SRSLY... My baby at 5 was snuggled up into my side....as she was all through the night....apart from the 2 cuddles she insisted on....but your one is like a proper cartoon/thug/delinquent/disturbed/slug-loving kitteh!

Me: You're a flippin show off

Sophie: Yeah, show off!

Jess: Snarf.... Tell you what she likes.....me sitting on my bed during the day reading, she likes me to sit with my legs dangling off the edge of the bed, then she likes to jump over them as she goes up and down the bed purring and pretending she's a horse! And she likes me to put the pillow in the middle of the bed so she can jump over that...

Me: Man, I CANNOT WAIT until he gets snipped. Then he can go harass the entire neighbourhood. One month. Come on. Why doesn't your cats idea of a good time include biting?

Jess: FFDDDD!! POOR CLYDE! And it's 'cos my cat is a ladeee....woh who who she's a laydeee...talkin about that liddle lady........

Sophie:
Sophie: Here Clyde *putting food down*
Matt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO
Sophie: *gasp* Jesus, what?
Matt: You have to turn the 'DOG' to the back

Jess: FDDDDDDDDD

Me: JEEEEEEEEEZ. A just came in for THEE LONGEST CHAT EVER. It included:
His divorce (when his wife took him to the cleaners) When he was declared bankrupt
How he thought all women were money-grabbing bitches
How he has a lot of money in the bank because he is too lazy to spend it
How he COULD go to Spain for 3 weeks on the interest he gets (from all the money in his account) but he doesn't so he sits at home for 3 weeks and then says, look at all the money I've saved!
Me: . . .
I think I preferred it when we weren't speaking.

Sophie: Freak

Jess: Y'know sometimes I wonder how on earth some people just cant realize what boring sad to**ers they are..... It's not the fact that they ARE BST's it's the fact that they want to share their BSTing life with you....no wonder we get so jaded...

Me: Exactly! Amusing and/or interesting stories/anecdotes only please. He was telling me and I was all, mm m mmmm *pointedly looking at screen* I mean, what fresh hell?

Jess: FD!! What fresh hell indeed..... Me and Ally both on 8am shift today....so we meet up to get coffee. We're accosted by 2 staff en route...I had to listen to twaddle while Ally hung back and let me be bored to further insanity....she didn't help at all....nope....left me too it....and what makes people talk about freakin WORK out of hours??? I'm not interested while I'm AT work let alone out of it!!!

Me: Agreed!! Cos, WHY is he telling me all that? Some people need boundaries. Also. 2 ways in which I deal with things like that:
Present Day: E.g, generally being rude, swearing, common
Past: You have to pretend you are a Jane Austen character. E.g. Good Day! And, that is a very inappropriate thing to say to a lady.
It is pretty fun. And a testament to how bored I get.

Jess: I prefer present day so us laydees can be as graphically rude as we like,....tho I know you laydees are now where NEAR as rude as me.... I like - some people need boundaries!

Me: No, srsly, some people need boundaries. Goodness, how much I do not want to hear about your boyfriend nicknaming you 'poobear' because you like bumming I cannot even BEGIN to say. And Jane Austen replies are Fun! Ending a conversation/argument with a sales person on the phone with a, Good Day! is pretty amusing. Maybe only to me. You and Ally should see how long you can keep up Jane Austen talk. Imagine having to be polite ...

Jess: I'm gonna Austen it in the office and see how long before I a)fail and b)someone notices!!! I'll let you know!

Me: Shouldn't be too long before someone notices you being polite!

Jess: Dude ruined it straight away when I ordered Ally to sort my bagel for lunch...right I'm gonna start now...

Sophie: Larfed at that I did

.....

Jess: Dude.....Ally's looking at me strange.. Have managed one sentence so far. Major fail