cats

Jess: Anyone in?

Me: Sadly, yes

Jess: Me too..... And I've got work to do!!! Outfuckingrageous.

Me: Who asked Santa for a fat man on a sun lounger?
Jess: FD!!!! Dude! I love his paw hanging out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Huntin'...You're doing it wrong!

Jess: OH ffd! LOVE IT!!!!

Sadie: Laughing!

Me: Um. I have nothing to say about this one other than our cat sometimes does a really good impression of a shot elephant. See, he collapses in his basket after a hard day with his bitches. And then the warmth of being in front of the radiator gets too much so he staggers out of his bed and manages to make it about 2 foot and then his head hits the floor with such a thud and he sleeps there for a bit. I wish I was quick enough to film the absolute thud when he hits the ground. I'm like dad, every single time I ask Matt who shot his cat.
Jess: Oh SO laughing!!!!!!!! That is SO good!!!! He's like...well...DEAD.....

Me: I'm all, Clyde, you gotta stop hitting your head so hard mate. It's not like you can afford to lose the brain cells.
I played with him for AGES last night in the lounge. And then I was all, WHY AM I CHASING THE BALLS AND MICE AND YOU ARE JUST BATTING THEM WITH YOUR PAW FROM YOUR BASKET????!!!! Exercising the cat. FAIL

Jess: Laughing......... I left a tap running in the bathroom sink.......sink filled up........overflowed.......kitchen ceiling did MARVELLOUS impression of Niagara Falls...Izzy sat on edge of couch whole time this was happening(about 20 minutes of running water) and just looked at me, then back at the torrent of water...her look said.......washing the kitchen floor? FAILLLLL!

Me: OH MY GOD! Jess! That's badddd man!!! Clyde was waking me up this morning at 5 AS USUAL. He does this really sweet snuggle thing so you sleepily pat him on the head and then he BITES YOU SO HARD so you put all extremities under the covers so the only thing he can do is stick his HUGE face in yours and start nuzzling that so you think it is safe to pat him again and then he BITES YOU SO HARD and, all in all, it is a really terrible way to start your day.

Sadie: Laughing at emails. I have no cats to make me laugh. Just dead flying ants behind the fridge, dead slugs under the bath and probably dead mice under the floorboards.

Jess: Eeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Me: Sadie. Dude. Pets.... FAIL

Sadie: Really really laughing!

Jess: Funny!!!! And dear God...Izzy's breath could sterilize nations.

Me: DUDE!!! That's baddddd! I don't think I could cope with Clyde having bad breath as well as being a poo head! Although I stroked him the other night and a slug stuck to my hand and that made me retch all over the shop so . . I dunno. 6 of one and whatnot.

Jess: Laughing!!!! I give her all the dentibit shit but I swear she's licking SOMEONE'S ass! I couldn't sleep last night..still watching the clock at 3 fu**ing AM! I get up at half 5..but NONE of this was helped by the fact that MY cat could tell I wasn't asleep and kept me even MORE awake with constantly sitting inches away from my nose, purring and wanting attention..........needless to say I had a cappuccino on my way to work...then you realise that half of freakin London is on hols!!!!!

Me: 2 hours sleep and I would be mainlining espresso, no poncey cappucino!!
Izzy sounds sweet! And at least you can be all, hey, lets snuggle at a better time. With Clyde, you take what you can get.

Jess: Dude, Ally bringing me another coffee on her way in.......
She is sweet, she's started a new thing........I'm fast asleep, she mewls to wake me up. I resolutely ignore her and scrunch my eyelids up even tighter.so......she pats my nose with her paw.......I'm lost....I have to laugh and give it up and cuddle her.....
I love Clyde, he is a freakin comedien!

Me: No, see, that is cute. That is how Clyde would begin and the next thing you know your missing a nostril

Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really laughing at that!!!!

Me: He makes me look like a self harmer

Jess: Snarf!

Me: Lookin' like a lion..That's not bad actually

Jess: Oh God he's like a lovely cute furry fluffy black ball...............only YOU know the real truth.

Me: If he wasn't such a clumsy fu*k he'd make a good ninja

Jess: Oh dude!!! FUNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Sadie: I keep snorting. People giving me funny looks.