directional misadventures

On Saturday i am having some old work pals round:

Hey little pineapple head! Hows tricks? Interested in coming over to mine on Saturday?

Andy:
Yes I would love to come!! I will definately be there. Just two questions:
1) Can I bring my mum?
2) Will I be safe? I heard it was a very dangerous area full of undesirables.

Me:
Phew to you coming. Was worried it was just going to be me and M sharing a bed etc etc.
1) Yes you can bring your mum. She has to tell dirty jokes though.
2) Indeed ol' P Town, as the locals refer to it, is very deep down and dirty. Just tell anyone who asks you're with me and
they'll leave you alone. Also, lock the car doors. No point CAVORTING with danger.
Ro, AKA Schnizzle fo dizzle dirty ratfink (around these parts)

Andy:
Yes I was worried that you and M were going to have to share a bed together as that would be immoral. I hope neither of you snore.
My mother taught me all the dirty jokes I know, or a least until I was put into care at any rate.

Me:
Doesn't look good for you if we are snoring.
Heh to your mum. Same here. We never had the birds and the bees. We had, like, um, the whole planet. Or something. She keeps shouting at my younger sister 'no glove no love' everytime she goes out.

Andy:
For the rest of my life I will remember the words "no glove no love". I now feel dirty......well a little more so than normal anyway.

Anyway, they kept bugging me for directions because APPARENTLY I live in the sticks and just telling them which station to get off at wasn't good enough.So one journey home I photographed sights along the way and pasted them on a word document with comments such as: 'my street' and 'walk down it.' It took a lot longer than I thought it would. I am so computer bored. As in, I can mess about on it and fix stuff but it holds no interest. Unlike my younger brother who loves taking them apart and scattering the pieces around a room then not putting it back together properly so you can see all the wires hanging out when he is using it.

I emailed Mike the directions:

Mike:
You are soooo totally excited.
See you Saturday Gherkin

Me:
A HA. Shut up. Stop mocking my OCD. Those directions took FOREVER. No, seriously. Stupid editing in photoshop, then image maker, then realising they needed to be saved as jpegs otherwise you couldn't open them, then trying to fit them on a page then trying to send them... I kept deciding to give up but I had already done too much... It was just like the time me and my family walked 15 miles round a lake because we had already walked about 5 and going back seemed effort. ANYWAY. If you get lost you are retarded. Fact.

Mike:
Haha, I think we all appreciate the directions - they're a triumph.

Me:
I think Andy is driving over but fucked if I'm going to go photograph the Great Cambridge Roundabout.


Didn't matter anyway since he couldn't open the directions I sent:

Andy:
Dude,
That was the greatest blank document I have ever seen in my life. In terms of blank documents its at least a 9 out of 10.......
I will try and open it from work tomorrow in case of the 1000 to 1 shot that it is my computer!!!!!

Me:
Mike and M could both open it and she was using an *ex-company crappy old falling apart 17 hours to turn on* computer!!!! I can only image what you have at home... I'm thinking it involves tin cans and some string though... or maybe, in Essex, a document won't open unless it is porn related?


Me:
HEY HEY BANANA FO FANNA MANANNA!!!!!!!!
Did you get my directions? I know how free and easy you are deleting stuff!
(Since everyone continues to leave my ex-company, M has to check all the old emails. Sometimes she has up to 3000 emails a day. About 10 are not spam).

M:
Hey hey!
You are in a funky mood, girl! Is it because you can't wait to see me on saturday? ;) I got your directions, laughing!
No gossips. Been so busy, haven't even had a chance to go to the bathroom!
What do you want people to get on Saturday? And what time did you tell them to come over? What shall I bring? Can I come earlier?

Me:
OH MY GOODNESS SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!
Dude. No chance to go to the bathroom???? YIKES. I remember those days... Man. A place where you have no time to go to the toilet and when you do it has to be timed with someone to cover for you. Here I frolick around peeing freely. Actually, not so free. I try and make sure Fernando the scary cleaner isn't loitering. I went in the ladies the other day and I SWEAR he was waiting in there for me. I was like, um, carry on. And he was all, NO COME IN!!!
SO!!!! Saturday!!!! People do not need to bring anything though flowers or similar hostess gifts are always appreciated :)
You only need to bring your sexy self!!! And some pajamas! Also, bring a jumper. Make sure you are warm. We are not in London anymore Toto. This is the COUNTRY. The STICKS. No miniskirts. Ok, the boys can totally wear miniskirts.

M:
Andy came for an afternoon chat but I forgot to tell him that he needs to come in a miniskirt ;) and we talked about me and you going to slovakia and that he's afraid I will sell you for body parts... DON'T WORRY! I WON'T!

Gossip about J: he bought some reduced ready meal from Tesco and it exploded in the microwave! It was some chicken in yellow creamy sauce, so you can imagine the micro. Then he had to clean it up as I was waiting to heat my lunch... when I was passing him with my heated up aubergine+potato dish he was eating that chicken (I only hope he didn't scrape it from the
micro. walls! ) Gross!
Saturday sounds like a plan already :) Will let you know when I leave home and we can meet up at the station...

Me:
I laughed out loud at your gossip of J and the microwave. Awesome.
The station is 2 foot from my house so even if you called when you were there thats fine. From my house I can be there in about one minute. Unless I was pantless. In which case 2.