Laying the smack down since '84

Jess: Hello! Sadie did you have a nice evening with Toby and Carina? Ro+So, any news on Lulu's results, don't want to ask her if it's not good, she must have them by now?

Me: No worries. Her results were good. Give her a call!

Sadie: Thank Fork! Lovely time last night. Drinks and dinner. Toby paid for it all, bless. He bought me dinner last time too. So tipsy he left his laptop and phone in the pub, but it was still there this morning. Probably because the pub isn't frequented with youngsters, just middle aged men with florid noses!
So cold yesterday that today I brought a coat in and am sitting wearing it with a fleece over my legs. Too cold to work methinks.

Jess: Oh laughed at florid noses!!!! Thank God for florid middle aged men!!! Poor you being cold!!! That ain't funny!!!

Me: WHAT is with people and the need for the coldness? People here have a PROBLEM and need to get their thyroids checked or something. It ISN'T NORMAL to need 2 fleeces and a cardigan in your drawer.

Sophie: Florid noses! Funny. Sade, you must have been like a babe in there with all those oldies hahaha.

Jess: Sadie, Sophie's being rude I wouldn't stand for that........

Sadie: I was indeed a man magnet, but my beauty ofttimes scares them so they keep their distance. How's Clyde?

Me: HAHA! Clyde is good. He WOULD NOT come in last night because hiding under cars and in bushes is WAY more awesome. But you know what makes the little piglet come in? SHAKIN A WHISKERS PACKET. *Zooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom* Oh yeah babyyy. Like us, the cat LOVES the meat.

Then Matt came home after seeing his fams and me and So were all DON'T LET THE CAT OUT! And he was all, I won't! And then about an hour later we were all, where is the cat? It is very quiet. Matt, did you let the cat out?

M: NO
Us: Hm. Are you sure he didn't run past you?
M: NO
Us: Because he IS very fast
M: NO. GOD. *Gets up and searches house* *Opens front door* *tinkle tinkle tinkle* *Cat pads in. Bit nippy noodles*
M: UM. O. HE WAS TOTALLY IN THE KITCHENNNNNNN

Lulu will tell you what she got. Am very happy for her. But seriously, this conversation made me laugh:

L: So I got a C in Citizenship and now y'all can stop telling me I am stupid and laughing at me for not knowing who, like, all these people are like Gordon Brown.
Me: Who IS Gordon Brown then?
L: Um. That was a bad example. I don't know who HE is, like, the president or somink but whatever
Me: HAHA

Dinner with Toby and Carina is nice! All good with them? Yikes to leaving his laptop in the pub! SILLY

Jess: Funny!! Laughing at Matt letting greedy piggy out!!! Is he not allowed to use the cat flap yet? Clyde not Matt. And bloody laughed at Gordon Brown!!!

Me: We haven't untaped the cat flap yet. Probably in a couple of weeks. Bit too nervous still for him to be wandering all day what with him being a maniac and all. After saying the Gordon Brown thing she was all, no no I TOTALLY know who he is. HMMMMM SURE THAT ISN'T WHAT YOU SAID A MINUTE AGO. Also, last night, Sophie and Matt were bickering and I was all PLEASE STOP I DON'T WANT TO COME FROM A BROKEN HOME.
Sophie: HA like we're your PARENTS
Matt *whispering*: If we split up you get to keep her
Sophie: ROSIE GUESS WHAT MATT JUST SAID

Sophie: I think he needs to get used to going outside and the surroundings before he's allowed out for an all night cat party.

Sadie: Laughing! Yes, you know how those cats can rave daddy-oh.

Sophie: Daddy-oh! So hip it hurts.

Jess: Hello is that you scat-jazz man? I got home last night, (25 past 8) went upstairs, Izzy in same position that I left her yesterday morning, she took about an hour to come to, an hour of me sitting stroking her head, her tummy and her back. Then she went back to sleep until eleven.

Me: I could SO do that

Sophie: Same here. She does sleep A LOT though.

Jess: It's probably for the best as I'm out all day, although she does come awake at night! Funny thing though, she sits awake most of the night all broody right next to me, like she's just happy to doze, but during the day, FULL TIME COMATOSED ASLEEP!

Me: Ar man. I am jealous of your cat.
I met M at lunch time for a coffee. It is very weird meeting her for non alcoholic beverages. AND THEN, right, she left and I went to Tesco to get some lunch and TOTALLY HAD TO LAY THE SMACK DOWN ON A BIG ISSUE SELLER AND A POLICE MAN HAD TO INTERVENE! Seriously! It was RIGHTEOUS.

Jess: Dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What happened??????????

Sadie: Just back from lunchtime drinks for Iain's wedding. Am a little merry. Not totally sober. I'm afraid to do any work. Until the tuna baguette kicks in I just think its not a good idea. Just sent an email to a chap called S Ali and copied in F. I started the email, Hi Ali. F came over and said 'You p*sshead.' Oops. I am now just emailing Linton Joseph. Hi Linton, hi Linton, Hi LINTON ............. first name LINTON, not Joseph, Linton, Linton LINTON.

Sophie: Matt says you shouldn't trust people with Christian names as surnames.

Me: Matt said it would 'mostly' be a con if I got hit by a bus so he can shut up.

Jess: Laughing!!!!!!!!! Funny funny..... I love so he can just shut up!

Sophie: What happened was we were on the bus and Rosie was dawdling on the crossing. The bus stopped and she carried on. Matt said: "Wouldn't it be bad if the bus hit Rosie? Pro: We'd be here straight away. Con: Well, mostly cons"

Sadie: So what the hell happened with the tramp. Sorry Housally challenged person.

Me: I met Miss M at Starbucks which is just in the station so I waited by the entrance. As I was waiting, I notice this Big Issue seller. Easy really since he was pretty much CHASING people to get them to buy his magazine and I am finely tuned to the crazies on the street trying to attract my attention. So I was all, urgh do not catch his eye. So M turns up and we have our coffee and the window overlooks where he was doing his "selling" and I was all, GOD M HE IS HIDEOUS. Like, all getting up into peoples faces. Anyway, she left and I go to Tesco further in the station. As I leave the station he is all up in some small tiny womans face yelling how she shouldn't be "rude to him, be DISRISPECKTIN him, she needs MANNERS" and he "can TEACH her some manners" and she was looking VERY SCARED and was saying sorry and "please stop following me." And THEN she started CRYING cos he carried on towering over her. So I was all OH HELL NO and marched over because NO ONE else appeared to be intervening (also, being poor and hungry, he was quite slight and there are generally a few cops milling about this area).

Me: OI! I think you need to leaver her alone dude.

Crazy Big Issue Seller: OH sum ova bich needing some manners taught!

Me: *I* am NOT the one acting like a DICK

CBIS: People disrespecting me need some manners, people round here be ROOD

Me: Oh yeah you KNOW IT and I am the RUDEST so FCK OFF

Anyway, he left this woman and tried to get all up to me and I was all, OH BABY I AM NORF LONDON AND CAN BE ROUGH AS SO YOU BETTER STEP YO COS IF THIS COMES DOWN TO WHO CAN CUSS MORE? YOU WILL LOSE!

There was A LOT of arguing and FOUL language and abuse (mainly from me *ahem*) and crying lady fearing a BEAT DOWN (that I WOULD WIN) went and told a policeman who came over and heard crazy yelling how he was gonna teach me some manners (ok, GET IT manners. Yeesh) but how I was all YEAH? I WANNA SEE IT. Anyway, the policeman was like, THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR FOR SOMEONE TRYING TO SELL THE BIG ISSUE etc etc and escorted him out of the station and I was all YEH 'INAPPROPRIATE!' LOOKS LIKE *YOU* NEED TO LEARN SOME MANNERS. And then there was scuffling as he wanted to COME BACK and teach me them but, again, this bobby was quite beefy and he was all homeless and poor and skinny. Anyway. crying lady explained the situation so I didn't look like a commoner all abusing the homeless trying to make a living. Policemans partner said thanks for stepping in but maybe next time I should get THEM to step in. Oh. Ok.

I tell you something. It released a lot of rage and I can recommend it.

Jess: Dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM KEEPING THIS EMAIL FOR EVER!!!! FUCKING CLASSIC!!!! So glad you was brought up all quiet and ladylike!!!

Sophie: What? Are you from America? Is this a film?

Jess: This is probably one of my best remarks from ever!

Me: Bringing the drama since '08. Also. Should it be made into a film? Cate Blanchett is WELCOME

Jess: SNORTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Me: Who said Kathy Burke? OUT OF ORDER

Jess: SNORT SNORT dude laughing and keeping all these mails!!!

Me: If you like I can reinact for you. Though there will be a lot of spittle. FYI.

Jess. Can't wait!

Me: Like, I am totally polite and middle class sounding around the office/on the phone/in meetings but some dude be all up in some chickies face I am SO THERE. Also, if they are smaller than me. And shit can I sound rough.... Y'all gotta stop nodding, yeah?

Anyway. It was pretty ferocious. I sounded terrible. And! AND! The policeman said he caught some of it and said I am: "THE BEST LIP CURLER AND SNARLER HE HAS EVER SEEN!" But then he ruined it because he said: "And I have seen some ROUGH people." I am still taking it as a compliment though.

You know what though? NO ONE ELSE INTERVENED. So. That either means they were too chicken to step between me and ol' crazy OR it looked like I was handling it. I'm thinking it is probably a mix of both but mainly B as you better BELIEVE how up in his grill I was. Also Clyde has made me look quite rough what with all the hand and arm scratches.

Sadie: Dude, that's one MASSIVE compliment!!!!!