Non WorkingMonkey

STOLEN from Non WorkingMonkey:

There are polite ways of saying things
For example:

I couldn't agree more, but ...
I do not agree with you at all.

I completely see your point
You are wrong.

I can see your point of view
You are wrong and also stupid.

That's very interesting
That will happen over my dead and twitching body.

There may be another way of looking at this
I am now about to tell you what to do. Pay attention.

That's one way of doing it. Another is to ....
You are wrong. I am right.

What I suggest you think about is ...
Do it. Now.

Just looking at this objectively...
You are a fuckwit but you are also my client, so I cannot show you up.

I think that's a very interesting point of view.
I think you are retarded.

Possibly the best way to go at this is to ...
If we do not do this, everything will go to shit. Believe me.

That's one point of view!
You fucking cretin.

To be frank
I am quite close to hitting you.

To be honest
I am about to be very rude indeed.

May I be blunt?
I am about to tell you that you are a fucking idiot, so you may as well assume the 'brace' position.

With the greatest respect
I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Thanks for telling me. Now, how can I help you solve this problem?
Stop whining and go away.

How nice to hear from you
What do you want?

I've been in meetings all day
I have been avoiding your phone calls because I don't want to talk to you.

How was your weekend?
I am about to ask you to do something for me.

You're a star
Thank you for performing a mundane task, irritating person.

I hear you.
Fuck. Off.

This is so true it is scary. Seriously. People know what I really mean when I say: That's one point of view! ? Oh dear. At my last company I was asked to edit some research we were posting on Reuters. I was asked to do it with another person in the office who basically could not write for shit. Although he was very good at maths.
I am not entirely sure why he was asked to do it actually but it was the worst idea ever. It took about 2 hours to edit something that would have taken me 20 minutes because he kept debating and suggesting changes that were ridiculous.I am not good at much. I cannot look in the fridge at the ingredients already there and make a delicious curry or stew out of them like my sister can. I cannot set up Sky boxes and video players like Matt can. I cannot do anything my dad can. I CAN edit stuff though. My only skill is my English. And, even though SOME people might read this and say, you would say it is your English that is good? Well. You have obviously not heard yourself speak. Or, remember that time you wrote 'your' when you meant 'you're?' Or when you used to pronounce Monopoly Mono-polly? And how you still pronounce raucous rauchus? It is still something I can do. I have a journalism degree. This doesn't make me better at English than the next person but by God was I saying things like, I can see your point of view . . .

I sent this to my aunt because she is in a role where she regularly needs to say these things (I am not anymore, sadly. Everyone here is much smarter than me).

Sadie: Oh DUDE, I say so many of those things, especially:
There may be another way of looking at this
I am now about to tell you what to do. Pay attention.
and,
Possibly the best way to go at this is to ...
If we do not do this, everything will go to shit. Believe me.
Honestly, I really do!!!!!

Me: HAHA! Sophie showed me her blog. When I started reading it, SO MUCH reminded me of you!


Have also stolen this from her:

When in doubt, I use Dog Logic. It is very simple: you look at the evidence before you, and go for the most obvious answer. (He chucked me = he does not want me to be his girlfriend; I am hungry = I will eat; I am not hungry = I will not eat. That sort of thing.)

But Cat Logic is different. When cats get together of an evening, they do not talk about the weather, or what kind of catfood they like best. They plot endlessly and without cease; they exchange nasty little ruses ("If we get the mouse, how can we torture him?"); they offer each other tips on how to say one thing convincingly while they mean another altogether; they practice their "I'm innocent" faces on each other. Whereas dogs admire in other dogs an ability to chase sticks fast and take up the most room in the dogbasket by the fire, cats admire other cats for their inscrutability and ability to utterly confound anyone who comes in their path. They are mean, and they are contrary.

In summary, cat logic will lead you to over-analyse the problem to hand to the point of insanity, make a squeaking fuss, and remain inscrutable so no-one knows what you are really feeling. That way, you will be sure to tie yourself in knots and render yourself miserable. Cats are cats, so they don't care; but humans shouldn't think like cats. It will make them mad.


Here's how it works.


I am hungry

I will whine and whine and whine and whine and wind myself round your legs until you pay me attention, whether I want it or not.


I am comfortable in your lap.

I will dig my claws in hard, knead you in all the places it hurts the most, then leap off you leaving your lap covered in cat hair.


I love you.

I will bite you hard. It's a sign of affection. If I draw blood, it means I love you even more.


You are allergic to me and do not want me anywhere near you.

I will follow you around interminably and without cease, rub myself on you (sending up clouds of cat allergens), and somehow find my way into your bedroom and into your bed until you throw me out of the door with your eyes streaming.


I am ill.

I will go very quiet and sulky until you realise I may possibly be dying, at which point you will spend £500 taking me to a private veterinary hospital in Wimbledon.


I am going out.

If I find someone who gives me nicer food and has a warmer spot by the radiator, I will leave home and forget you ever existed.


You like me.

I will ignore you.


The fish is no longer in the fishbowl, and a fish tail is hanging out of my mouth.

It wasn't me.


I am thirsty.

I want fresh running water. In fact, leave the bath dripping at the pace I like all day, otherwise I will die of dehydration, and it will be your fault, and you will feel guilty.


You have a new sofa.

I will shred it with my claws in the most obvious place, not round the back where no-one will see it.


You have bought me a new cat bed at great expense from the deaf Scottish woman in Streatham.

I will spurn it, even though it is by the radiator and sit, with my black fur, on your white linen chair. Then I will sit in all the places you don't want me to sit, including the leather armchair which cannot be restored once I have scratched it.


You have emptied my cat litter tray, bleached it and re-filled it, as you do every couple of days.

I will get in it, shit on the floor, then kick up piles of cat litter all over the wooden floorboards.


You have done some washing and folded it neatly on the bed.

I will sit on it. And yawn.


You have visitors.

I will be unspeakably sweet and amenable. When the front door closes on the last guest, I will scoot at speed onto the leather chair, and massage it with my claws.


I want your attention.

Now I have it I will wander off, flicking my tail.


This is very much like Clyde. Especially the tipping over of the cat litter. And the fact that Clyde is pretty much only affectionate at 4am. Or when he wants to be fed.

Sophie: I hope that Clyde lives a lovely long life. Like, to about 18
Me: Yeah. Me too. Although you can have him
Sophie: What? Wouldn't you want him?
Me: I do love Clyde but I am also aware that he is a total shit head.