On Friday night I stayed at my friend Sophie's house in Hertford. She has the same name as my sister. Confusing. I used to call her 'other Sophie' but she got a bit offended. Plans were carried out like a military operation:
Me: What is the plan tomorrow then? Did you get my message about only being able to stay over on Friday because I am busy on Saturday night???
S: Yep got it, sorry thought I mailed you back . . . That I HATED YOU!!! And then changed my mind and told you actually . . . I couldn't live without you and your sexatronic curves. What time can you finish work tomorrow? sx
Me: OH marvellous! I am so glad. I was so worried. I can't afford to lose friends. I mean, as it is it is only you and the crazy lady upstairs. And she isn't really a friend. More like someone who keeps locking the bin cupboard so I cannot put my rubbish in there. Hm. What time do you finish tomorrow and can pick me up?
S: She sounds like a better friend than me, dude . . . You ain't using my bin cupboard! (Do we actually mean a bin cupboard or are we being rude???) May be able to get away at 3pm? But then will have to get over to you. x
Me: I'l be home and ready at 6.30. OK? Also. OMG. When did bin cupboard become euphemism?
S: Ok I will drive like a bat out of hell, I'll be there when the morning comes. Or, like, 6.30 like we organised! x
Me: So, like you normally drive then!!!! Looking forward!!!! What alcohol shall I bring? I have eaten SO MANY wotsits
S: I ate a MINGING and Yes I mean bloody Minging Chicken and pasta thing - I feel soooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick!
Me: Gross. Anyway. How about I just text you when I leave work? It takes mean hour to get home so you can leave yours accordingly. What shall I bring? What alcohol do you like drinking? Or are we just going out? Let me know. Love, xxx
S: My head hurts soooo much!!! My brother had his leaving do last night as he is flying to Hong Kong this AM (To live there for the rest of his life!!!) Sounds good to pick you up later. Can you remind me of the location again. The Maze . . . Something . . . Somewhere! Will have to AA routeplan it. OHHHHHHHHHHHHH my head hurts and I've just eaten a chicken burger for breakfast in an attempt to make myself feel better. Hungover people should not be allowed to eat fatty, disgusting food! Wasn't sure what you fancied doing tonight, maybe a couple of drinkies out and about and a takeaway!?
Me: Dude. Animal. Gross to chicken burger for breakfast! Will send you directions to mine. Also. Fact: I have now eaten too much rocky road
S: Next Fact: I have started on the ROAST BEEF Monster Munch. Verdict: Its all going very downhill from here . . . Could poss be starting on the Redbull any, and I mean ANY, minute!
Me: Want pickled onion Monster Munch now.
S: Have you seen the Old - New packs . . . Loving them! And guess what else I just bought?
Me: A Wispa?
S: WHOA! Good guess lady!! Spot on!
Me: HAHA! People at my sisters company are going a bit mad for them apparently. Sophie said Matt bought about 7 yesterday and so did her boss. Funny because I don't remember them being this exciting first time round . . .
S. They are delish. Just eaten a jacket pot, with chilli and cheese. Now trying to sit at my desk and arrange myself so that I look as if I'm working but I'm actually asleep x
Me: Sent you directions. Laughing at you arranging yourself. Best to have head in hands and look like you are reading something on the table. Always good to actually have something on the table as otherwise it gives le game away.
S: Just route planned your ass! Did you realise that we only live 36 mins away from each other. . . Why don't we see each other more???
Me: Because you smell
S: Good point.
There was beer drinking (9% beer!!!!!!!!), Thai food and wine. Sadly we are old ladies these days and couldn't keep our eyes open much later than midnight. On Saturday, Sophie went to work at the butt crack of dawn for an hour. She works in a large plant nursery and had to oversee a delivery. She got dressed in a beautiful nursery branded fleece.
Me: Wow. That's trendy. Can I have one of those?
S: Er. I'll try and get you one. . .
Me: Would you? I'd love that.
S: Oh. Okkk *looks at my face* ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS???
Me: DUH
S: *Talking to her dog, Bo* Aunty Rosie is very mean isn't she? I thought she would like a nice dog walking fleece and instead I find out she is being horrible.
Me: SSSSH I am trying to sleep. Go to work already. Go check for your greenfly and whatnot.
When she got home we went for lunch in Cafe Rouge. We sat outside in the most glorious weather. But it took AGES to be served. No one came to even take our drinks order:
Me: OMG I am 99% parched over here
S: In a minute I am going to go inside, tip the flowers out of their vases and drink the water to make my point
Me: HAH. I am going to go inside and just start drinking from the tap
S: I am going to go inside and make my own. I'll be all, RIGHT, WHERE IS THE MILK?
Me: HAHA Yeah!
But we got served eventually and the waitress was very stressed as machines were breaking and people were shouting at her. Our lunch was delicious. Some kind of prawn in tomato sauce dish with french bread to dip. Also some garlic coated bread stick things and some fries. Atkins took one look at it all and died. Again.
Sophie drove me home around 4. Bo met Clyde. I was very impressed that even though Clyde puffed himself up to the size of a small dog and made growling noises, he didn't run away. He eventually got nose to nose with Bo and gave her a good old sniff. Then carried on growling.
Bo is the nicest dog ever, and that is including Boris and Monty who I love but who are complete poo heads. Sophie has just spent about 4 thousand pounds on Bo because she inhaled a grass seed into her lungs. Luckily Sophie had her insured otherwise it would have been another 4. Sophie: I mean, I wouldn't even consider putting her down when it is something as stupid as a grass seed but . . seriously . . 4 grand!!! Eurgh. It was my house deposit. My rainy day money . . . and this month has been a fucking thunderstorm. (She also had to replace the brakes on her car and pay her housemates rent) (She also had to dislodge her housemates poo from the toilet because it was so big it wouldn't flush and her housemate had walked off without noticing. It was the grossest story ever and she had to tell me over the phone before she drove over because it had affected her so much she couldn't wait half an hour) ("I used oven cleaner and everything!!!!").
On Saturday night I went out for dinner with Ruth. We went to a nice Indian restaurant near my house. Again with the SLOW service although this time had nothing to do with broken machines etc and more to do with lazy staff or something. We were shown to our seats and sat there for 20 minutes at least before Ruth nearly killed someone for a glass of wine. Then it was another half hour before we were asked if we were ready to order. It was nicely busy in there but still each waiter only had 2 tables each. We ordered 2 onion bahjis ( I can't spell that and spell check is asking me if I meant banjos) and instead of 2 bhajis they gave us 2 portions. They must have taken one look at us and thought, fat bitches probably do mean 2 portions. Bastards. Although we did eat them all.
Then she came back to ours for a cuppa and to watch X-Factor which Sophie and Matt had recorded. I don't know when we became such losers but this is not the only lame thing we record but TOTALLY enjoy (Rock of Love, Strictly Come Dancing . . .). We had a good old time dissing everyone. Sophie said we were very very pissed. This is entirely possible. And, in fact, true.
Sunday morning, none of us woke up until 12. I can honestly say I have not done this since I was about 15. Sophie woke me up. Apparently I slept talked to her for a bit about rabbits until I finally came to. She made me a delicious coffee out of some really sweet mugs she basically stole from a charity shop. Stealing from a charity shop. My God. What is next ay? In our house, a delicious bacon sandwich made by Matt and then a nice sunshiney jaunt to Asda to buy a mop since Sophie broke the last one. Don't even ASK what she was doing to it. She's changed man.
Even though we only went to Asda for a mop and some milk, we somehow managed to spend £50. This was partly due to a vair vair delicious dinner Sophie cooked which was about 79% garlic. She was obviously worried about vampires. I would give her dinner 9/10. She is missing a point because she forgot to put lemon on it and that is unforgivable.
Sophie and Matt spent the weekend painting their room white instead of the glowing purple that it was. You didn't even need lights in there it was so florescent. Also, I say Sophie painted it, but she isn't the one with tons of paint still in her hair. I also tidied my room this weekend. It is a very satisfying feeling knowing all your cupboards are junk free and organised and your clothes in colour order isn't it? Yes.
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